Lying Flatt: Book one: Glory Days

 Full Manuscript : 5th Draft started 12/19/23

Lying Flatt: Book one: Glory Days - Elijah brahmi - Wattpad

This book is dedicated to my Best Friend, Nate Ellis, Mango Willams, Ruby Garcia, Dante, Étienne George, Feli, Writopia, Imran, everyone in the City College creative minds group, my mom and dad, and Jack Black for whom the main character of this book is inspired, 

and everyone who believed in me when no one else would, I couldn't have finished this book without you. 

The Lying Flatt trilogy 

1. Book One: Glory Days

2. Book two: Love is a Battlefield 

3. Book three: Rock ‘n Roll Suicide/ Wanted Dead or Alive

(Fifth draft: full self edit)

Book One:

Table of Contents 

by Elijah Brahmi

Summary :

“My God is Rock'n'oll. It's an obscure power that can change your life. The most important part of my religion is to play guitar”

-Lou Reed

Prologue

Herb Bean took a deep breath, checked his analytics, and let his finger hover above the trackpad as he stared blankly at his computer screen. Dejected, he exhaled as he finally pressed the record button. The second that little red light flickered on, his droopy frown flipped into a stretched, well-rehearsed grin.

“Hey, Beanies! Welcome back to my channel! You're just in time for Music History Monday! Don't forget to subscribe and smash that like button, below! Today, we're going to be talking about a pretty controversial figure, with a pretty wild history, that I'm going to bet most of you haven't heard of! So, you know the drill, most of today’s spicy content is going to get…you guessed it, demonetized! So, if you guys can donate to my Patreon this month, it would be a huge help! You’ll get lots of cool perks, like extra videos of me eating a sock full of whip cream, and videos about why capitalism is super-duper bad, while I make rainbow cocktails for Pride month naked covered in glitter foam in my bathtub…No pressure though! But hey…ya boy’s gotta pay rent and eat too! Also, I know you freaks keep asking if I have an OnlyFans. The links to all that are all in the description below. Anyway, back to the video. What the hell was I talking about?”

Herb squinted at the cue cards laid out before him on his floating bookshelf. He was always a little embarrassed when he forgot his lines because he used to be a child actor. Today, though, he was mostly glad that his millions of subscribers could only see him from the waist up, sparing them the sight of his skin-tight booty shorts with the words “The music in me” written across the butt. I mean, how could he show his new merch line before it was even released!? What was he, some kind of monster? 

“Look, Beanies, I know Daddy’s been off for a while, and, no, I didn’t get Covid or Monkeypox. I'm fine, but all of your millions of messages were so sweet, even the ones from my stalker—love you, Stalker Pete. (Still have that restraining order against you but nice to know you're keeping busy during Pride month!) I just left to take some time off for my mental health. I went to some concerts, changed some lives, and now I'm back full time! 

So, for this video, I know you guys voted in the poll on my community tab for a deep dive on underrated queer figures in punk history. And since it is Pride month, and I AM a man of my word, I thought I’d treat you guys! So, who is this unsung hero of punk, the Beyoncé of the American underground punk movement on everyone’s mind? Honeys, I hope you have your popcorn! So get yourself a White Claw, grab your bestie and get cozy, because, Baby, do I have a story for you!” He paused, checking the smeared makeup on his monitor, making sure he looked snatched as he braced himself to talk about such a serious topic. 

“We on my channel pride ourselves on spotlighting underrated Rock ‘n Roll icons, and today we're going to talk about one of my personal heroes, Lester Flatt. His story has everything, Beanies: orgies, outings, New York and New Jersey, identity theft, Church Punk, Black Power, gay infighting, and a Frankie Goes to Hollywood record that is still missing to this day. I mean, what more could you want?! It’s a goddamn crime, the world has been denied his story for forty years. I have spent the last two days of my very busy and interesting life doing research on this, all for you guys, because I love you, of course, and for no other reason…”

“Ahem! If you remember in our last video, we talked about CBGBs, Max’s, and the Mudd Club some of the most influential punk rock venues in New York City in the 1980s. Some of the bands that came out of there changed the shape of music history forever. Baby, oh, I would have given my last Louis Vuitton mini purse to be at one of those shows. You have no idea…

You know the names. Bands like the Ramones, Blondie, Television, The Stooges, the Velvet Underground, Talking Heads, the Misfits all grazed their greasy stages, at one time or another. But, Lester was the wildest of them all. Only difference is, you probably heard of all those guys before. Your folks probably loved them or maybe you even got into them because of my channel or other music history channels like mine. (Am I giving myself too much credit? Never.) But at risk of sounding like a broken vinyl here, the main difference between the subject of our video today and those CBGB punk rock alumni was that Lester, tragically, never ascended to household name status. But I'm gonna try to do him justice. Oh, I'm going to need a drink for this one. This gonna be a long video, Beanies!” Herb took another swig of White Claw.

“His career had many ups and downs. Lots of controversy always followed him. Similar to many other punk bands from that era—The Cro-mags, Suicide, and the Fleshtones also come to mind—Lester faded quickly into the ether around ‘89. That was soon after he and his band, Gross Indecency, and their big debut album Politics and Religion started to turn heads. He disappeared all at once in a swirl of rumors. After that, he was never to be heard from again. Out not with a bang, but with a fizzle. But, out of the forgotten punks who left a mark, Lester was by far the most outrageous, and if you know anything about that scene, Honey, that is saying a lot!” Herb pressed pause on his laptop recording. 

  But he did another take just to make sure, reading his perfectly-typed script in double-spaced Comic Sans, with a bit more pizzazz, just to get the point across that this was important content, so the algorithm wouldn't abandon this video in the sea of deep dives, leftist in-fighting, reviews of the Barbie movie, and other videos designed to get views and clicks and not much else. It was an uphill battle. Herb was used to fighting as a full time YouTuber, but this topic felt personal, a rare feeling. He had to get it right. He prepared for a third take but then stopped himself.

“Nah, I’ll fix it in the edit…” He muttered. 

“Herb! Time for dinner!” Herb’s dad called from downstairs.

“Coming, Daddy!” Herb grabbed his furry Bratz bucket hat, slid on his New Balance slides, and yanked his selfie stick and iPhone X off his dresser. He pressed record on his phone, without even looking up, shuffling down the tight stairs almost tripping over the dog toys littered along the stairwell.

“Ok, Beanies, the thing you need to understand about Lester Flatt is that no one knows anything about his real life because everything he’s ever said about himself has been disproven. He’s a liar, a true mystery of Rock ‘n Roll. He was the lead singer of this band in the punk 80s, Gross Indecency (the one I mentioned earlier), who opened almost a dozen times for Lou Reed and were actually super groundbreaking, for their outrageous lyrics, stage presence and shameless gay antics on- and offstage. From everything I read, Lester was barely even in the closest wad breaking all kinds of boundaries, even creating this new genre called ‘Church Punk.’ They were apparently more crazy than all the punk bands, and more openly queer, and got a lot of hate for it-”

“Son, no twitching at the table-” Herb’s gruff dad kicked his chair out for him, as Herb groaned, shutting his phone off.

“-Ok I'm going to edit that part out, Dad, shut up, ugh for the last time! I told you, it’s not called twitching, it’s livestreaming on Twitch!” 

“Son, it’s to early for this, I can’t listen to any words until I have my coffee”

“Ok Boomer” 

“You're such a Cliché, you know that. Put your phone down! and eat your eggs, your gonna make me late for work”

“These are actually really good…is this a runny yolk?”

“No…their eggs? Now shut up and eat.” Herb’s dad smiled, removing his bucket hat briefly to ruffle his hair, they both smiled and chuckled as Herb's dad adjusted the wedding ring on his chapped thumb, as if to secure himself. Herb gulped, and swallowed the yolk in his Sunnyside up mess, before looking at the collection of picture’s of his dad in high school framed behind him. Herb smiled at the photos of his dad in his old rock band, him and his mom as kids, both mop haired hippie freaks, unrecognizable to the grizzled hard working bear bear he turned into. Herb never looks at those frame pictures on the kitchen counter, they just kind of fade into the background, he’s so wrapped up in his YouTube career and being an music history icon to even look around his own home sometimes which made him sad but humbled which he could use. And this brief memory gave him an idea.

“Hey daddy...”

“Yeah, kiddo”

“I'm making a new video…”

“Oh, that's awesome kiddo, back to making money then? Maybe even enough to buy your own eggs…and even pay some rent?” Herb thought to himself, hopefully soon, for now, if his gold tier patron’s come through at least, he should be alright in the money but he acted rich and famous and that's all that really mattered. But his next few video’s need to be really algorithm friendly, videos about kid friendly, easy topics like how Bro Country stimulates for the charts and the radio in Nashville even though the music is all largely lyrically misogynist, ‘small town’ trash and how touring company’s scam musicians and fans and should be regulated…or something, uncontroversial, and boring. Herb looked up as his dad, smiled and laughed nervously.

“Of course, daddy! Loads of money, wads, trust funds, just like the good old days. But not in the pro capitalism sort of way…of course, just enough to pay you rent! This one’s just another deep dive.”

“What are we diving deep into this week, kiddo?”

“Lester Flatt.”

“...” Herb’s dad spit out his drink, eyes widened as if the name knocked him back to a different time.

“Holy Shit…isn't that a blast from the past! Lester Flatt, dude how the hell do you know him, no one, and I mean no one who wasn't there at CBs, the Limelight, or King Tuts Wah Wah hut remember him? Holy fuck, Kid!” Herb's dad weezed, almost choking on his nostalgia, and hash browns.

“Yeah, It’s for my video, my fan’s requested a Deep Dive into underrated, queer icons of punk rock history, isn’t that amazing I had no idea you remembered him so well you should have told me you could have helped me with research daddy!”

“Well fuck me…I wish you told me, though I never understand your whole youtube thing. But underrated is a bit of an understatement son Lester was hardly even “Rated” back in his hay day, which just so happen to be mine. Grossy D was a very hip band only to those in the know, I never thought I’d hear his name again Holy shit, hey eat your eggs…he was never even famous enough for a record deal man, though my Kid is still making videos about him, is that Legacy?”

“Are you asking me?” Herb asking with a mouth full of eggs

“I mean what is fame anymore? now with the internet people are getting famous selling their farts, OnlyFans anyone can be famous taking pics of their ass and feet and selling that to 40 year old perverts in Staten Island, any old smock can become famous by accident just by being a normal average joe who films themselves taking a shit twice a day and the algorithm in china picks it up and people relate to it at the right angle. You don't even have to be good at nothing no more, like so what’s the fucking point? Back in my day to be famous you had to be the best of the best at something- oh but now people are making suckers famous who back in the day who were never famous to begin with, by talking about them on podcasts like you and your girlfriends out in LA. Some Victorian prince was “underrated” and a “gay” icon and just like that you kids can make him famous all over again!?. People can also just undo, or re correct fame from the past and if someone now is too famous you can just cancel them, take them down a peg, or take their whole life away for nothing?? They fuck up once in 1971 then babda boom their not famous anymore?! Like Louis C.K, or Woody Alan, I liked those guys I grew up with but all of sudden everyone decided they don't like their marriage, and now…oh! Not famous anymore? Maybe…now this is just my opinion, that is TOO much power for a bunch of iPad babies with no college education, to play god and decide who gets to be famous to have, from their parents couch…I’m just saying!”

“Dad…we are not having this conversation again! Ugh! But wait, back to Lester though? Was he really not famous when you were a kid? I thought his band was a big deal especially in the late 80’s?”

“He was never famous kiddo, not how you Zoomers think of it anyway, but he was always notorious… infamous even, which I did not think was possible for a guy…like him if you know what I mean. He was a sort of chameleon, in that way, one minute he was the most charismatic, sexy guy you’d ever seen despite how ugly he was he could command a room full of celebrities, and legends and our whole band, and make people more powerful then him who everyone feared just wrap around his finger, and then next he was just the most pathetic, submissive, annoying, leach, fawning at a new lover, and idol each night I mean…it was like Jekyll and Hyde you just never knew what you were gonna get…but by god could he sing, like you just had to be there, his band, with the leather and that whole scene, oh my god it was like sodom and Gomorrah, being at the center of hell when Satan fell from paradise, you just…there was nothing else like it, that’s why so many people looke past his flaw’s and, he was a fucking master at what he did, he also set us ablaze and reminded us what rock n roll was really all about, why do you think Lou Reed was so keen on him, Mr. Rock n roll, all the boy’s loved him they did not care he was fat and ugly because was electrifying and inane, he was kind of magic, but oh boy but that, that does not even scratch the surface” Herb’s eyes widen, he whipped his phone seconds too late.

“Hey Dad, can you just say that again, for the camera…” 

“Oh god, son, what did I tell ya about putting me on your dang YouTube channel-I didn't sign no consent waiver or nothing first, your always the one talking about consent this and consent that-”

“Oh my god you're so right, It’s fine I’ll just quote you anonymously. I just had no idea you knew him so well?”

“Well I didn't, not personally anyway, I don't think anyone really knew him to be honest, I was just in the punk scene when he was the name on everyone’s lips for better or worse. Hey, your dad was cool too ya know, but boy, I had some good times back in the day.” Herb’s Apple watch alarm went off, blasting the chorus from Bennie and The Jets. Herb swiftly knocked back the rest of his orange juice, getting up and grabbing his backpack off the back of his chair.

“Ok dad, as juicy and eye opening as this is, I got to bounce.” He kissed his dad on his stubbly cheek.

“Ok, Good, talk son”

“And by the way daddy, you're still cool.”

“Well, Thanks Herby at least someone thinks so.” he grabbed his sleeve.

“Hey, I love you.”

“Love you more, gotta run- hey you got a lil egg…” Herb pointed, motioning for his dad to pick out a piece of egg out of his salt and pepper beard. 

“Here?”

“Yeah…there you got it.” 

“Hey hot shot! where ya off to in such a rush anyway?”

“Gotta film the rest of my video!! Duh, got a load of sexy interviews lined up with people all over the city, from all generations, daddy including ones as old as yours!”

“Oh gee thanks!”

  “I got ones lined up with queer elder’s, fellow veterans of punk, and alternative scene, aids activists, to old flames, lovers, enemies, to his modern followers and new fans who are discovering him and his music for the first time. So my viewers can see what the people on the street think of Lester Flatt. It’s just like those street interviews on Tik Tok I showed you, except some of them are pre-planned, unlike those fakers who pay those hot girls at Washington Square park to tell them their hot and call it ‘an interview’”

“Ok, son…that all sounds very, high blood pressure, I think i'm gonna stay at home, doctors orders-”

“Well that works out perfect dad because you literally weren't invited”

“But have fun, and stay safe! Be home by Eleven! And Happy pride! ”

“Ok bye!” Herb slammed the door. 

Later at Washington Square park, the gonzo interview capital of New york city in the year of our lord, 2023, Herb and his small camera crew he met up was immediately met with pride floats, gay people cloaked in flags, beads, beards, daddy’s queens the whole deal as hot sunny and played out as ever with anti gay protesters feeling just as proud and more visible they had been in recent years. The streets were packed and EVERYONE was either in or on their way to the parade, or having gay picnics in the park where the parade would inevitably end up which is where Herb currently found himself.

Never one to overlook a juicy perspective however, before forgetting it, Herb quickly wrote down everything his dad said on the back of his friend's unused George Michael Mousepad, prepared to get the best interviews for the video. By running around New York City in booty shorts, a bucket hat and in a full face of makeup with a hot hello kitty microphone, a camera crew, and a massive internet following, for five straight hours, you’d be surprised how easily some people are are willing to open up: 

His first interview was with a guy who looked like he lived through the punk years and swarmed through his fair share of financial crashes, cocaine orgies and divorces. Herb noted for his crew to approach their first target. Getting on the level of this shit faced older looking rando selling weed to teenagers on a park bench in order to relate to him first professionalism sake. He was a white guy with dreadlocks surrounded by pigeons and a bizarre, multi flavored stench, he had many tattoos and an incredible story to tell for sure. He immediately smiled when he saw the camera crue and Herb’s bubbly, bright and shiny dimenor as well as cute, scantily clad, conventionally attractive body approach him and shoved a mic in his scruffy, heavily tattooed face.

“So, sir, I'm doing a YouTube documentary deep dive into Lester Flatt and his legacy as an unsung icon of punk rock, do you know him?”

“Lester Flatt? HOlY SHIT! I haven't heard that name in forever dude!” He spit out the blunt onto the chick next to him 

“Oh my god! Fuck, FUCK, Bro That’s Mack Lasher’s real name aint it? Dude yeah we used to get so freaking spun at his show’s, I can't even tell you the kind of shit that went on backstage man, Some chick named darcy I used to babysit for apparently got Knocked up in the CBGB's bathroom during one of his infamous guitar solos, word on the street is that baby grew up to become best friends with Alice Cooper’s baby mama. His show’s were crazier then all the rest, gave sex drugs and rock n roll a whole new meaning ya feel me? Plus bro, he was totally gay as hell! He was like…the only guy back then who went out of his way not to hide it I mean, really fucking bold, too bro, even now, most of my homies still on the down low. But those macho guys with more patches on their lungs then leather jackets, who wish they were in the Clash, N’ the Pistoles, even the artsy fools with the sunglasses who be fucking with Andy n shit. Yeah, out of them poser freaks, Lester the only one I can remember who had the balls to say he was gay. Now don't get it twisted either, I know at least half of those guys swung both ways, but they wouldn't dare risk their careers by singing about it, not like Lessie? But for real, come here man, between us, I know EVERYONE thinks people used to be all anti gay shit but none of us cared that he was sucking great cock man great, because-he was also making great music you hear? He had the best hair, the best drugs, the best parties and the best after parties! For real! Like it’s a damn shame, yes it is, he don’t get talked about in the same breath as like Lou Reed, David Bowie, Robert Marpthrope, Television, The Misfits, Joey Ramone, David Johansen, Patti Smith, Iggy Pop or any of those same guy’s from that scene man, people seriously need to put some respect on his name. Any idea where he is now?”

“Lester Flatt? Pfft, yeah, I have No idea man, I heard the name for sure back when these used to be my stomping ground’s but now im just passing through, but hey man I last I heard in the late 90’s he quit the industry and has been pretty private so I would not go snooping, but everyone I used to snort cat nip with in the Mermaid Den said he was a wild card, I heard I different story about him every night, he was a rock star, but then he got screwed over by the establishment, and the aids activists cut him down, he’s from the future, his brother became the shaman of a tribe in Africa and married their queen, he got kidnapped by aliens, he’s like 20 different people, he started a cult that’s still active somewhere as we speak, he was like a freaking religion man, but it’s anyone’s guess man, what the fuck happened to him now. Hey can I bum a cigarette?”

“I heard Lester Flatt was a maniac, my dad said he used to play covers of his own songs and have sex with just about anyone or anything in the park, that guy was an animal he said they don't make em like that anymore.”

“I used steal his “prized guitar pics'' to get him all hot and bothered one summer when I’d come here to sell wax figure of myself, to make some extra cash for my Sister in law’s sex change, yeah…well it’s pride month so, I love what I do, what can I say say. Why? does he still have my address?”

“Lester Flatt, lead singer of Gross Indecency? You’re so young, how the hell do you remember that band? The twink’s are getting younger every year I swear to god…”

“Lester Flatt? Yes Is that not that guy who’s been trending on Tik Tok? Oh my god, that clip of some of his show’s from the 80s have been totally going viral, especially the ones where he’s dressed in full S&M gear? Yeah…He ate.”

“He has three different songs about gay orgies in space and two of them are on my Spotify wedding playlist.”

“Yeah, The bloak went bloody missing he did, just like Richey Edwards!”

      “God knows why his Wasp boyfriend stayed by his side as long as he did, the cock must have been retrograde or something, to make someone stay in a relationship completely devoid of trust or sanity. I love your nails by the way.”

      “Lester Flatt! Oh! Talk about a missed boat! I saw my cousin a wedding last week, he used to be his manger back in 89, he lamented to me how now Tik Tok control’s the music industry now, and Lester is blowing up on their again and everyone is rediscovering his band and the kids today are obsessed the world has finally caught up to him, he said. But back then, when he was forced out himself by those Act Up radicals, it was over and that was his first big show as a signed artist, he shot himself in the foot before he even got off the ground, Anyway, good luck on your school project, or whatever this is.”

    “He talked more openly about politics and raged against facsim then I think anyone else was still doing even in the 90’s, but he also was yelling about like Queer theory, and avenge Harvey Milk, and Avenge Marsha P. Johnson, and abolition now and Fuck the Pigs and all these radical shit, especially the gay issues it’s Pride you see all these people coming out for pride now, when I was a kid it meant something to be punk, now everyone thinks their punk but don't get it twisted, if your not down with queer libration, your not really punk, that's the truth man. His music was also sexy, and joyful but he never got his roses, I hope if I ever see him again it's on his 40th anniversary tour. ”

“Who the hell is Lester Flatt and why are you recording me?”

“Mack Lasher’s real name? You know I did my thesis on this  whole conspiracy, still a mystery to this day how did the greatest rock star in the world, up there with Mick Jagger, and Bruce Springsten after being accosted in a parking lot by one of his biggest fans, during the final leg of his comeback tour of 1996, could just disappear without a trace?  Lester Flatt and Mack were two different people you see, it's a huge misconception. If I have the timeline right, Lester used Mack as a stage name for years from the late 80’s to the early 90’s when he disappeared, only to pop up half a decade later in 96’ on CCTV cameras, on the last legs of Mack Lasher’s big come back Tour in a furious blow up with one of Mack’s Prized groupies. Only then for Mack to disappear off the face of the earth, as if no trace of him or his long illustrious career ever took place, not his star on the walk of fame the evidence of his many many tours, grammy’s, album sales pictures he took with Madonna and her mother, in her home, all gone. It has to be evidence of an alternate timeline in witch Mack Lasher was never born, or Lester Flatt is a time traveler, who went back in time and prevented Mack Lasher’s brith all in an elaborate scheme to truly replace him-just one of my theories anyway I have more, you can read them at my blog, it’s www.Macklasherisnotdead.net-”

“Lester Flatt…slept with my brother on our wedding day”

“Oh…yeah I used to be a roadie with him, for the Red hot Chilli Peppers first tour back in 87, god he was obsessed with that band, I wonder if they ever got a restraining order against him, especially Flea.”

“Lester Flatt? That’s not his real name is it… don't you mean Morrie Nickles, my lawyer, he was a terrible lawyer, but an incredible lay.”

“Maxwell Neats…Lester Flatt was his cover name, come closer…worst Drug dealer I ever had”

“My therapist.”

“He’s dead isn’t he?”

“Who?”

“Lester Flatt? We went to high school together, found out years later the bastard was planning on blackmailing me, fucking faggot.”

“Any idea where is he now?”

“Where is he now?”

“Where is he now?”

“Where is he now?”

Where was he now? This was the question on everyone's mind it seemed, especially Herbs after spending what seemed like a few days in the editor’s chair. He was extremely tempted to find out where he was now? That’s where most video’s this nature tended to end up. Everyone had a different theory about what happened to this guy, in fact it everyone had a different story about this guy, period, so different in fact, it was almost impossible to paint a cohesive picture about who he was at all, it was like the deeper he dove into his life, the more confused and lost he became. Often how these things tended to go, but this one was really stumping him.

This was really getting Herb at a loss. He kept going over the footage over and over. Because it sounds like after a bizarre concert in the mind 90’s he fell off the map, almost early, and it sounds like he's a bad person an abusive boyfriend and horrible queer role model who got in the way of aids activists and hated not being the center of attention it sounds like he isn't even who he says he is…at all. 

      But with all these conspiracies about identity theft swirling around him and the Mack Lasher case. Where was he now? Who was he? Herb was a sucker for true crime, mysteries, deep dives, Icebergs, he used to make Conspiracy content himself before he switched to music so, he needed to know! But Herb also respected celebrities' right to privacy so, he wouldn't dig any deeper than that if Lester wanted to be left alone, for 20 years with his partner off the grid, that sends a message in itself. if he wanted to be known he would have come forward by now. He wouldn't go out bugging him for a quote, but…just one email, to respond to this video wouldn't hurt, he couldn't help himself. So Herb gave in to his base urges, he just had to know the answer, and what Lester thought of all this, where was he all this time, who was he? 

Herb wasn’t proud he could be canceled on Twitter for this but he just couldn't resist the temptation for the subject of the video to comment on his own segment!? That’s just like, that time he did that video on Actor Elliot page and he actually gave a brief interview at the end, Herb considered that the highlight of his career. Besides, everyone seemed to jump at the chance to want to give their two cents about Lester today, it’s about time Lester got to tell his own story, in his own words. What’s the harm in one little email? Besides, there’s literally no chance in hell, he’s gonna ever see it right? 

Herb clicked send, put in the last of his edits, Premiere Pro was acting laggy so it was taking longer than normal, but since the video was now almost done, and he honestly felt satisfied with how he put everything together, from his starting introduction, reading out his research, to adding in his Dad’s anonymous past experience with Lester from his youth. Which was read by Herb's friend and Fellow youtuber, LizzyLemon in her signature perky E-girl quote reading voice. As well as editing all the best interview footage and B roll footage and surviving clips of Lester himself performing live from versions stages of his career.

But now, looking at the whole video together, sitting back in his gamer chair so long his butt aches. Herb took a sip of white claw from his Flash Gordon mug, and felt like Freddy Mercury must have felt after finishing his live aid performance, truly proud of a truly incredible creation that millions will undeniably enjoy. Regardless of what was to be his fate afterwards.Herb was confident his mostly young, LGBT, music fans were gonna love this one. So, after a long day of slaying, he turned off his Rolling Stones lips nightlight, lay his head on his “The Fame” Lady Gaga album cover pillow, sleeping soundly that night. Knowing everything in life is perfect and absolutely everything in his life was under his control.

        The next morning, before Herb could have a chance to even stretch or open his sleepy little eyes, he was woken up with a start by his Elton John Alarm Clock. Herb stretched, frazzled haired and crusty eyed, prepared to go back to bed, but instead, his eyes darted to his bedside table to the sound of his phone blowing up, like your mind’s are no doubt about too. What the hell, Herb thought to himself, 1,000 missed calls, Instagram dms, snaps, and emails from his friends, agents, and other people who he had literally never met. Herb’s eyes widened instantly as he jolted out of bed and threw on his Ziggy Stardust Print robe and started Doom Scrolling with fighting speed. All of these people were blowing up his phone about…Lester Flatt? Holy shit, his video has gone viral overnight!? Suddenly before Herb had time to do his morning yoga, take his morning Weed Gummies sponsored by Better Help, and go for the first half of his morning Jog, on his peloton, also sponsored by Better Help, the second half sponsored by Noom, he was thrust, into an abrupt, unplanned, and non consensual phone call with none other than his youtuber friend LizzyLemon who’d helped him record lines for the video last night. Who was the second herb picked up the phone, squealing, and dump trucking boatloads of emotional labor on the already highly in flabbergasted Herb. Gosh can this generation ever catch a break?

“Herb!? Oh my gosh have you heard the news!??? YOUR VEDIO LAST NIGHT ON LESTER FLATT, THAT FATT WHATEVER ROCK N ROLL DUDE THAT MY DADS WEIRD COSUIN MATT WAS OBSED WITH IN COLLEGE FOR FIVE MUNITES, IS FUCKING VIRAL, IT ALREADY HAS 6MILION VEIWS, BITCH!?? OVERNIGHT?? VEDIOS DON'T GO OVERNIGHT VIRAL LIKE THAT ANYMORE? BUT YOU MADE IT HAPPEN GIRL, I'M JUST WATCHING YOUR SUBSCRIBER COUNT GROW RIGHT NOW IT’S GROWING BY THE THOUSANDS AS WE SPEAK!!” 

“Girl, this is not real right now…” Herb muttered as he opened his sticker studded laptop to look at his subscriber count, growing rapidly in real time, from 8 million, to 18 million, all he could see was dollar signs.

“Oh it’s real babe”

“Daddy, don't you worry about money ever again, I’ll send you that rent money alright…straight from my high rise in the hills” Herb muttered under his breath as he stared, dumb struck at just how fast his count was growing he never dreamed he would get this big.

“Herb you beautiful slutty useless Himbo! Yeah, this is huge, you got this Lester guy trending everywhere, I can’t go five minutes on gay twitter, or Instagram without someone talking about him or this fucking video, now everyone’s starting a duologue about homophobia and fat phobia in the music industry and how it snubbed so many great stars in the 80’s and how so many of them never got the recognition they deserved, everyone is looking into this Mack Lasher conspiracy, everyone wants to bring back his band for a viral reunion concert , and they want to dig him up, to see who can get an interview with him frist, you my friend have started a movement, and you know what that means?”

“What?”

“Big bucks…witch we deserve more then our parents because our parents screwed us out of getting to ever own property, and they caused climate change, and my mom killed my fish and ate all my Rice crispy treats, so, I'm right and we should milk this for all it’s worth, like I always told you once you find your niche, and get your big break, take that shit and run. Away I love you babe, drinks tonight, Max Brenners, are on me, see you then!”

“Ok babe, I’m so there-” 

“-But wait, this Lester guy, wasn't he kind of problematic though? I mean if you really look into all that shit he did with those Aids people and how he treated his boyfriend…and that guy from the the Chili Peppers Band, what’s his name, Bug?” Herb tuned out Lizzy’s rambling, as he scrolled on his endless emails from all these promote producers and agents that seemed to pop up in his inbox, until suddenly one email caught his eye. The subject line read: 

Re: You don't know shit about me, kid. 

Sender unknown.

“Hey, babe, I’m gonna have to call you back”

“Ok by-”

“What the fuck is this?” Herb mumbled, dumbfounded. As he opened the email right away, his hands trembling, with fear and excitement coursing through his skinny, limp bracelet covered wrist. To his shock, the email was a response to the email Herb himself had sent last night, sent from none other than Lester Flatt himself. Herb gasped, and jumped up, almost dropping his computer. He could not believe his eyes, Lester actually responded to him, and overnight no less…!? Herb read the email with bated breath clutching his guitar pick choker. 

The email read:

Dear Herb Bean

First of all, Fuck you. Second of all, No, this is not your wildest groupie fantasy come true, or a fake internet prank. I am, indeed, the man, the myth, the legend, the real rock n roll icon himself, Mack Lasher, otherwise known as Lester Flatt. I saw your little video on YouTube, along with the rest of human civilization and boy oh boy, did you outdo yourself with this one. Me and my partner were scrolling last night in bed after a passionate round of lovemaking (yes love gets better with age) and your video came across our timeline, in fact it was basically inescapable, on the interweb we watched it in horror having lived a private life for years knowing our time off the grid was up. After decades of being a rock n roll sage and having my reputation dragged through the mud, we decided enough is enough man, enough is enough and…enough, is enough you little shrimp! And that’s why I'm writing to you now to get ahead of this, you little, shit, you think you're the first little man to use my name in headlines to get some free money, booze and legs up the biz, huh? You're not even the one billith to drag the Lester Flatt estate through the mud in the last 1000 years, well you know what your little video stunt was the last straw man, because guess what the bitch is back! But it inspired me to tell my own story, unlike all the millions of times I have on letterman or Carson, this one will be on my own terms and also…I will finally get a chance to show off my mad book writing skills, no ghost writers here bitch this is not a haunted house. But if you really want to talk you’ll promote my book on your channel when it comes out again, free press and getting paid in exposure is a scam! Attention isn't everything. Something your generation can’t seem to understand. So I made up my mind, you forced my hand but this has been a long time coming so don't give your grody ass all the credit. Last night I recontacted my manager, my agent, and you can let all your follower minions know that I will be coming out with my own tell all, bombshell autobiography soon, titled “Lester Flatt, lying on his ass taking bullets for rock n roll-” It’s a working title, anyway it’s gonna be  even dirtier than The Dirt, more filthy then your little gen Z Tik Tok obsessed mind can even wrap itself around! Yep, you can spread the word to all your little flowers, I'm Finally telling the whole truth, what really happened, my way, and no one can stop me. I know all you young freaks are just dying to know every sordid detail, well this fall when my memoir comes out you can finally know the truth. And if Anyone says I'm lying about any of it, you can tell them that I'm 40 years sober. 

Chapter One

Getting Had, Getting Took.

Ok, you all want to finally tell my story, and do it justice, well that’s great man, it really is. But for decades I let you drag my name through the dirt but no more!  You freak’s got it all wrong, you called me a liar, an identity thief, a hazbin, a fake rocker, and everything else under the sun! But I’m none of those things man, I'm not dead, I've been here all along man, I never changed for no one, and it’s time to set the record straight! You talk a bit about letting me finally get to tell my own story, well…here it is man. Take it or leave it.

It all started at the origin of all bullshit: New Jersey. Ewing Township, 1973. I was born in the eye of the bullshit storm. Nothing crazy, I wasn't raised by wolves, I just had the classic soul-crushing New Jersey upbringing. But I get it, you came here for the guts and grime, the Green room sleaze, you probably don't wanna hear about my totally lame childhood, where I grew up, my siblings, crushed dreams, the rents, all that Freudian crapola. Well too bad, it’s my life story, my rules, if you don't like it, get lost! Well, anyway, where was I…oh yes! 

The rents.

For starters my parents were both overly Catholic, mindless TV-dinner mavens, libertarian taxpayers with two chips weighing down on their shoulders, trust me dude, I'm just as bored as you are, but it gets worse. They were both remnants of the ever fading middle class, left in the current ever resentful, working class, working ever hard, for totally microscopic pay as both housewife and autoshop slave respectively. Burt and Florence Flatt, were two grody freaks straight out of a all american test tube, nothing but two squares with sticks so far up their asses that i'm shocked they weren’t made better puppet’s of the state, and as the proud rock’n’roll sage you see before you, i'm still deeply ashamed and shocked to be descended from such a bloodline, dude it haunts me to this day, even now I get visited by the ghost of Bono in my sex dreams just to prove to me that i'm adopted and im actually his biological son! Anyway they were both raised Mennonite in Pennsylvania's famously racist and cheese friendly Amish country, I believe Burt’s father was Amish but still let him Marry my mother, a Mennonite, which was very controversial at the time, somehow. 

They married in their late teens, in 64’, but unlike most young people at that time, they were absolutely afraid, and whole heartily determined to convert every last hippie on the face of the earth. They hated them, they wanted Hippies, Black people, Jane Fonda, cars, modern medicine, technology, and just about anything at all outside of their own little sheep farm to either join them in pois boredom for all time or burn in hell. But naturally since being religious zealots is a lot of work and doesn't make much bank if you're starting out broke and all, especially if in the swinging sixties. It was even harder for them growing up in Amish country when most people in Yee old Hershey PA didn't wanna join their cult, I mean Church especially the hippies or even the normies and townsfolk. So, my Rents, god fuck their souls, as the middle children of two massive families, both with 15, 16 children each, felt compelled by the lord above to do the next best thing to make up for their lack of hippie converts and disappointed families,  have a fuck ton of kids. And so they did go forth and multiply, just like their parents (or at least they tried.) Because that sure turned out…great for them, the first time around. My  “WONDERFUL” parents and brothers are clear evidence of that. for the record i'm never having children , 8 billion of us is more than enough, besides being a father of rock is already so much responsibility there's only so much one guy can take. 

Anyway, after making the do despite their sex pessimism, for the sole purpose of baby making at the ripe age of 16 and 17 respectively,(which let's be frank would have been made for my mom anyway, it’s not like she had many other options.) My pluckley little rents’s Rents moved them to Ewing Township New Jersey. When, after arriving they kept the scientific polar opposite of rock n roll and everything I stand for.

      But, even though my folks tried to have children, life doesn’t always go as God plans. So afters after years for trying to conceive, my mother, on the edge of her childbearing days, finally admitted she was desperate for kids to brainwash, she really was pushing thirty now and still hasn't popped out a little Rugrat, what was going on in Womb Vile, trouble in paradise one might say? Well… at this point, you might be wondering why my folks were so gung ho about making babies and why they didn't attempt to pop some offspring earlier in their lives? why didn't they adopt, or have any other purpose in life besides procreating, other than the whole replacing their failed hippie concerts thing. Having kids was always gonna happen but it was always gonna be for the wrong reasons. To this day I wonder, did they have some kind of scheduling conflict, Burt’s blockage or was Florence maybe out of bullets or vice versa? You know, the truth is attempts were made, my mother was never the warm, nurturing type, I like to think the holy ghost of Janas Jopplin cursed them for wanting kids solely to be Hippie Haters, but either way dude, shit was getting outrageous because now they were both starting to sweat and turn to some weird shit.  

Their baby making attempts were getting so wild. In fact, I almost started feeling bad for them, which is a scary thing when you're starting to feel bad for the worst two squares on the geometry board. Even though I still wouldn’t be born for another three years by this point.

But by now my poor, awful mother was so stuffy and bitter even her eggs turned to dust. and She would never give birth to the perfect baby boy to impress her neighbors, pastor and judgey parents back in the backwoods of Amish country. But both of them being too dirt poor to adopt however and too young to retire put a wrench in things for sure. Not to mention my father being too drunk, useless and pushy to remarry. So after all that, as a last resort, my narcs of origin decided the only option left on the table was to return to their second home; church. So they prayed to Jesus. Oh lord they prayed for days and nights by the altar like, they were chained to it. They wept, slept and had revelations of the rapture at that altar. All for the lord to bless them with a son, because they didn't think a daughter would work for their overarching evil plan. After a lot of hard work on their knees; Jesus, finally granted their wish. Nine months later, my parents returned to that same corporate baptist church on the side of the interstate to baptize Kent their first son. The next year, they returned again to baptize Kevin and I was baptized there only a year later, 1973 the same year my parents tried to ban us from listening to the radio because Crocodile Rock by Elton John came out that year and they were convinced it was promoting beastility with actual crocodiles only church radio for us from then on. They weren’t shy about raising us from birth in their image, they had a burning hatred for what America had become they wanted us to replace the “indefels” they saw walking the streets wearing slutty clothes, kissing in public and listening to “the devils music.”So to uphold the last remaining tenants of the American dream, they needed children to carry on their legacy. What legacy, you may ask? Just one of the boring Christian minority, living unlived lives in Newark, dying virgins and loving Nixon and consisting mostly of yelling at hippies to get off their lawns. Either way, that was their plan. To raise their three “perfect boys” in their holy image. Boys who hate change, love America, and most of all, grow up to make a ton of money that they can use to retire to an overpriced tacky Miami condo and never have to see us ever again. Oh, and how could I forget? Never question them in any way or you'll suffer at the mercy of the belt and years of unrelenting Catholic guilt not to mention guilt, dude how do you think I helped invent the new genre of music “Church-Punk” but I'm getting ahead of myself. Suffice it to say, they didn't really raise me, they more just brought me into the world hoping I’d be the “third miracle” instead I was their third mistake, they could never quite erase. If they knew how I would turn out at birth, I'm convinced they would have killed me right then and there, changed their views on abortion and everything. Their not shy about it, they talk about it all the time, Because they hate hippies but i'm worse than hips, at least hippies have the decency to sing about peace and love, and be happy in the face of injustice, instead of angry about it, being in the hard core, punk rock, stantioc loving, rock n roll crowd I run with. The rents really do think I'm the devil, growing whenever I refused to go to church or do what they say, they’d when they burned my clothes, all my shirts even my neutral Guns and Roses print pajamas for being “idol worshiping” cult uniforms, forcing me to have to go to the mailbox butt naked all week and show off my massive, legendary junk to the whole world including the paparazzi, or that time they stole my DIO shrine, or many many photo FLEA stash or old, porn collection, or even didn't give me a bandaid when Noodle aka the bully from ninth grade gym (we called him noodle because he’d stretch your arms into noodles if you come on his turf, but everyone’s more afraid of his two little sisters everyone calls “Draw and Quarter” their the real demons)Noodle pulled out my piercing after he tried to steal my bike. Or all those posers who work at Camelot records who refuse to give me a job because I'm “not for real” and can't hold down a job. Or my folks saying it was my punishment from god when I started getting my stainins ``metal stains.” I have every reason to believe they think I am the reincarnation of the devil himself, in a totally non-joke, somehow serious way. But they just told me I was a baby and to walk it off. Even though rock n roll was in my blood, no matter how much they tried to spill it.

It was around this my parents realized I was the odd kid out. They just couldn’t handle my raw animal magnetism. Legend has it, when I was a newborn, the doctor dropped me on a pile of Black Sabbath CDs and it cracked my little skull right open. There was blood everywhere. My parents screamed and almost blew a vein or two. But after the surgery, a piece of my brain had been replaced, the one that controls impulse control, of course. So I was reborn, like a rock ‘n roll Frankenstein, the rock gods blessed me to survive and as I emerged from the operating table like Jesus Christ Superstar from the cross, the heavenly light flooded me as I sat up, and cried tears of destiny. It was that moment I knew I was destined to be a rock star. But I didn't choose rock ‘n roll, rock ‘n roll chose me. That’s also how I got this gnarly scar on the back of my head. 

Aside from thinking I'm the devil himself, my parents bought into the widespread panic around all things rock ‘n roll at the time. They believed that satanic panic was running rampant and metal heads were sacrificing little girls to Satan. Who is also being summoned by Dungeons and Dragons and playing Led Zeppelin backwards. So naturally, as the signs of my emerging rock ‘n roll ethos became undeniable, my parents started to sweat, and wonder if the lord of darkness was somehow involved. I mean, just look at my track record so far (these are just the highlights:) When I was 10 months old, my first words were “Lets get it on” (Marvin Gaye had the number 4. Song of the summer) When I was two, I sharpened my teeth into fangs on my mom’s nail file so I could bite the hand that feeds me more successfully.When I was four, I stole my mom's eyeliner and never gave it back. and When I was five, I formed my first band with some first graders who couldn’t play for shit. dude they were babies, they couldn't keep up with my clear path to rock n roll mega stardom.

 

When I was six, I refused to get a haircut so I could grow out my full hair metal shag (as god intended). When I was eight, I broke a kid's leg in the schoolyard while pulling my hair. But there was a silver lining, that year Mötley Crüe was formed, so I realized I was gay. But even when I was in middle school, my parents had already made it extremely well known to every family in the neighborhood they “did not approve of my lifestyle” They tried so many times to take me to church with them, bible school, Boyscouts with my brothers, Football camp, put me in a suit, brush my hair, introduce me to neighborhood girls, burn my rock CDs, they were just fascists dude you have no idea!? From day one of parenthood, they did everything in their power squeeze me into their oppressive, All American mold, that Kevin and Kent slid so neatly into. Well, I’ll give it to them, their brainwashing worked on my brothers for fifteen years, but it never worked on me, and they hated me for it. I was living proof America was a dying empire and they wanted to hide the fat, rock n roll, proof at all costs, in case I made too much sense to the neighborhood rejects.

My parents by this point were desperate. They did what they always did in times of great desperation. They returned to the church’s doorstep to give me the appropriate number of exorcisms. And as you know, the church was known for its totally not traumatic treatment of children.

 

But when that didn't work, and the demons had refused to leave my body (probably because they were having such a great time in there) our local pedophile priest, Joseph Angles, decided I needed “professional help.” So after the electric shock therapy, hypnotizing, homeopathy, crystal healing, and helping to get a radio psychic’s ratings up, everyone declared that I was absolutely, totally, undeniably beyond help. But if anything, their futile attempts at “setting me straight” only gave me more ideas for rock songs. Songs about how suburbia sucks butt, forming my own rock n roll alter ego, a perfect alternate self that I was disdained to become the rock n roll Jesus Christ he didn't have name yet, but my rock n roll alter ego that I was in my head, and my dreams and on stage in my future, was the subject of many a triumphant ballad, such as a bold, knight would be of many a bard’s the of conquest in medieval battle. Also demons are hot and cool actually, funky red naked red dudes who wanna take over your body and make you horny and evil, but in a cool way and give The big J a hard time I don't know, man sign me up. 

Yeah, the church had a way of making sin seem totally gnarly each time they wanted us to fear it, like a way to backfire hard, keep at guys, see where that gets you!

Though I was only eight years old,…what’s the rush?! They had loads of time to try to shove me into that conformist mold. If they could have, they would've sent me off to war, but I was too young. Plus the Vietnam War was over and their patron Saint Nixon was old news. So for now they were stuck with me and all that came with it. But on the “bright side,” they just elected this movie star guy named Ronald Reagan to the White House, so we’ll see how that goes for them.

Meanwhile, my two older brothers were the most perfect little angels. They were as smart, obedient, Catholic, heterosexual, sexist, and boring as my folks could have ever hoped for. Then there was me, always cast aside, ignored, and put in a cage like a feral pit bull. By the time we hit middle school, my parents had totally given up on me, and man, they were not shy about it either. They constantly shoved their favoritism down my throat. They ran our household like a horse race, I swear to god. They would pit us against each other to compete for every little sliver of their approval, and you know just who the judges favored. They were so blunt, they even cut me out of family photos, and burned my birth certificate on the back porch. My mom lied to her ladies at the hair salon that she only had two sons, and my dad constantly denied that I was his flesh and blood. As a cover, he started claiming I was an orphan from Las Vegas they took in briefly, out of the kindness of their hearts. My brothers themselves were absolutely pampered. My folks made sure they had the best tutors, the best schools, the best school equipment and the prettiest girlfriends (mostly daughters of their church ilk, trying to marry off their eldest daughters before they developed a personality.)

My oldest brother Kent was, expectedly, a royal cunt. He inherited the douchebag gene from both our parents. Kent really was just an extension of our parents’ reign, getting straight As and being a straight-A asshole from 1st grade to 8th. So of course, as soon as we hit high school, Kent was at the top of the food chain. He did all the classic bullcrap popular nitwits like him got up to in 1985 like bullying the nerds, being star quarterback, and banging and claiming every pretty virgin from here to the city limits. So, naturally, every teacher, parent, student, and McDonald's worker in town expected him to go to Harvard and become a big shot corporate lawyer and bring the township a bunch of money. Which gives him a get out of “jail-free card” for just about any crime you could think of.

Then there was Kevin. He was a rare gold nugget in an ocean of mediocrity. I held off talking about him until now, because he was the only fond memory of my childhood, so I had to save the best for last. He was absolutely crushed by our parents’ ungodly pressure to be perfect and get perfect grades and pull the family out of poverty. Kevin and Kent were in constant competition, our folks constantly pitting them against each other, because no matter how perfect Kevin was, Kent was always better, and Kent was anything but good, douchebag of the year award went to him every time, future layer for corporate buttfaces no doubt, I hates his guts almost as much as he hated it when I blasted ACDC at 3am.

But Kevin was actually a good guy and after a while he grew up and quit being such a kiss ass. I mean, he still had to be perfect or else, but he managed to do it without being a raging dickweed in the process. He was the only person who didn't participate in the constant dog piling, and hostile climate against me that everyone seemed to be totally wrapped up in. He actually enjoyed spending time with me without being paid, in fact he often fought to do so despite the pressure. And lucky me, he had good taste in rock music to boot! He wasn't satisfied with listening to Bruce Springsteen in the corner and sucking his thumb like the rest of them. He even stood up against bullies and our parents when they were bringing down the hammer on me. He was a popular kid too, so he could get away with that, but unlike most he used his powers for good. Including playing with me in all my rock bands even when it cost him big time. Kevin gave up alot for me, this is just as much his story as it is mine.

Chapter Two

Playing in a Rock n Roll Band.

March, 1985 

I was still a freshman in high school yet, I had already been in and out of more short-lived Bands than Robin Hood. I’d been starting, forming, and rocking in band’s since I was in the 1st grade. Probably younger, but you know how stupid memoires, can be, besides the rent trashing all my photo albums once I turned out this way. Most of these musical operations were short-lived, just grody, unsuccessful shots in the dark with more shuffling in and out Fleetwood Mac Playing a game of Musical Chairs. 

But I had two stand out member’s who were in almost all my band’s since the beginning of time. Dude, l'm talking about my long-time drummer Beans, real name “Ulysses, H. Frankfurt. III youngest of ten children, or some fancy crap, he’s the son of some german lord. He’s old money lives and lives in Newark but the Chili's are here most of the time and Bean’s stays with Lenny when his family is away, which is most always. And lucky for us, his Nanny’s don't seem to notice, nor do his parents. 

Beans is a skinny, pale, sort of dark, shy, and introverted type, always wearing dark purple and black lots of skulls and tight satin and silk, with a black Pixie cut covering half his face. And then there’s my other man: Lenny, and Keyboardist , a wild, dopey, incredibly stupid kid wannabee California surfer type, has family out in California including this Uncle out there who works at Capital records he’s always talking about. The ladies think he’s a joke, he thinks he’s the great thing since sliced wonder bread or gnarly waves, that he hasn't caught since summer of 82’ but he likes to act like he surfs in the Olympics and gets his tan in San Diego and not at Long Beach over spring break, and that his buns don't burn. 

Beans and Lenny are attached at the hip, my best friends I can always count on to be in my band. It’s getting the rest of the lineup in this town that’s always a challenge. Sometimes my brother will fill in as lead guitarist, I’m lucky now is one of those times. 

Some of our best band’s over the years have been: Monkey’s In Berlin from 78-79, made up of me, Lenny, Beans, these neighborhood triplets, Rain, Pangea, and Lionheart.  Lucky for us their parents were hippies (before they got chased out of town) Man, those were the days. Ya see, Monkey’s was a psychedelic rock band we were recording several song’s entirely backwards, including our biggest hit “Moss Tank Sex Carmel ride back home” a song about bringing the troops home, and also why homosexuality is beautiful and should replace heterosexuality, even though we were only 10. When the song came out it became a runaway hit, we did a lot of acid the whole time, (as you do) we had some good times with that band though, like that time we found ourselves backstage with Joey Remone, and I beat him at Rock Paper scissors therefore winning a bet and his one of a kind framed chipped tooth, thus causing a riot that would go down in history as the “Saber Tooth Riots.” There’s a plaque at the Mud Club now, to commemorate the event I’m sure you’ve seen it. Then I wanted to go darker, because psychedelic rock was kind of out of style and all that. So I formed Shot’s in the Dark, from 81-83, a hard core metal band. With me, Lenny, Beans, this time Kevin, and a couple of Kevin’s Eagle scout freaky friends, it lasted a while. We had some wild times too, played some crazy gigs, changed our image to look way more freakazoid Alice Cooper, and way less Jimi Henroiz on his last binge. We started to bang our heads and get into all that Satan crap. The deeper we sunk in scandal the more hated we were, the more punk rock we became. Like the time we got into a fight with that Alace Cooper impersonator in Las Vegas, and he sang our song after apologizing and he sang it better than Alice. Or that time with the Manic Street Preachers before Richey went missing we opened for them and they thought we were trying to upstage them so we started a riot, or that time we closed for the sex pistols and forgot we were not wearing anything but Mesh and hairspray. Or that other time Tommy Lee couldn't think of the words to express his love for Rachel Roxx the Porn Star, so I wrote him a song, and that song became “Too young to be in love with you” by Motley Crue. Then a couple years later in 83 we had a great run with Ape Meat and the Social Climbers, with the same bandmates as before. Ape Meat was our Glam Rock, gender bending, bisexual madness, colorful, David Bowie, Marc Bolan era. I know we were half a decade too late but…it was honestly sad how few people seem to miss that era, we had a harder time getting these bands off the ground then the heavy metal ones despite the Hair Metal aesthetic being more flamboyant and glam then the glam rock band themselves! We had some crazy times with those glam bands too, like the time I snuck into Studio 54 and got stuck in the glitter shaft as a result and because I came out in the middle of a massive dance number, covered in glitter taking the place of a massive Disco ball. Andy of course had no choice but to declare to me that evening’s hit work of art. People couldn't stop talking about it  even Liza, Holston, and Freedy Mercury's shocked faces were on the front page right beside my glitter covered moon. Talk about making an entrance!

 

A couple more stand out band’s I had the brilliant Idea’ to start were: Mass Hysteria, The Acne Creamers, Suside Bridge, Girls are Gross, Robots and Aliens, and Flea Mania a red hot chili pepper’s cover band focusing mostly on the Ethos of Flea, (he’s my Favorite), and Ape Freezer (A cover band for our earlier band, Ape Meat…we had less reach that time around, but still played to our small devoted Ape Meat fanbase who we love like brothers)

But out of all of those band’s, despite our colorful history of rocking harder than anyone has rocked before in this galaxy or any other, we still have yet to achieve long term mainstream success. We never had an agent, a rock n roll spirit guide or anything like that to help us grow into the massive unit we are today we are self made but there’s so much as a band we still havent done, as we were on  the prespsis of manhood, puberty will make you rethink things like this. And the big times were basically calling our names dude. But Now that I was in high school, I was finally ready to head into its primal call. I wasn't messing around anymore, man, I needed a real band this time, one that has what it takes to handle my overbearingly monumental talent, and I was ready to put in the work as band leader to take us all the way. So Kevin and I had vowed to start that very band, on this very day. Right now, we were sitting on the floor in my room reading my latest face melting Lyrics. Kevin was gonna totally dig these.  

 

My room was the perfect place for great minds to incubate. My room or the “the tornado of shit” as my mother tenderly referred to it, was the only place me and Kevin could ever get any peace of mind. (You know, like the Boston song, one of their best next to More than a Feeling.) Kevin was leaning on my bean bag full of old shirts and trash. The door was bolted shut and had a massive dart board, metal “keep out” sign, and several nails sticking out where I used to hang my rape whistles. I had two lava lamps on my desk (both stolen), all my school junk, binders, scattered pencils and incomplete algebra worksheets, next to my second-hand Sony Walkman. Next to my desk was my weed stash inside my piggy bank, and my condom stash mixed in with my leftover Halloween candy in my empty NASCAR helmet. Next to that was all my rock ‘n roll equipment I couldn't fit in my closet, like my bass guitar, my drum set, amp, stereo, and stolen keyboard from music class. My tiny ass room was covered wall to wall with band posters, even on the ceiling: I got rare tour posters and full spreads of the Crue, Zeppelin, Europe, Guns and Roses, T Rex, Aerosmith, Styx, Kansas, Boston, Human League, the New York Dolls, Elton John, David Bowie, the Pet Shop Boys, and of course, my favorite band of all time, my heroes, my gods, The Red Hot Chili Peppers. 

I had three giant posters of the Peppers covering up my windows. Out there, my family worshiped Jesus Christ and the holy spirit. But, here, I worship my rock gods, and pray to them nightly. I know if it came to it, I would do anything for them. Right now, Kevin is reading my lyrics. He is helping me come up with a name for my latest band, the one I was forming out of our garage. The same garage I was fighting dad over, since he still hadn't found anywhere to relocate his autoparts. I ran some of my best band name ideas by Kevin, dying for his approval, he was the only person who’s rock n roll opinion I value other than Flea’s that is if he ever talked to me again (Flea if you're reading this…call me):

“Lester…are these, all of them? What about your backups, can't we pull from one of those instead?.” Kevin handed the list back to me, unsatisfied, reaching under my messy shelf for one of my many song writing notebooks filled with badass, unused band names for the gods. But none of those would be right, for this, we had to try something totally new.

“No, no, none of those will work! Look dude, our name has to be something new, something sexy like ‘Polyamorous Python,’ ‘Lavender Scare,’ or the ‘The Flying Purple People Eaters.’ You know, something bold and attention grabbing!” 

“Attention Grabbing, not…senses assaulting, besides is this a rock band or what’s left of one? What are we meant do with a name like Andy Worhol’s explosive holes.”

“Man, that name is great! What are you talking about Kev, Andy is so rock n roll! He Discovered the Velvet's man, the velvet underground that invokes sexy-mysterious-underground mystery. Ok,choir boy? That's what we should invoke.”

“Yeah dude, well, right now, with these names, all you're invoking is Austin Powers in a porno with the cast of Jesus Crhuist Superstar, making love to Man of Mystery’s sex bots, with a side of purple rain!? You always talk about wanting to be taken seriously, well, this isn't the way, ‘Mr. Punk Rock. Hey you wanted my professional opinion, well there it is….”

“Ok since you're now the all knowing president of rock n roll, do you think you can come up with a better name, in fact, why don't you ‘invoke’ a whole new list huh? Come on man, don't you know I worked hard on this, I skipped class twice today!!”

“Sorry dude, but hey, at least they have fewer spelling mistakes this time…”

“Jesus Crist, Kev, what happed to us! It didn't used to be so hard to come up with band names when we were kids…Are we really this washed up, and creatively bankrupt, at 15…”

“Nooooooo, come on, chillax dude! Geuinis this stuff comes from all sorts of places, you just gotta let it flow naturally! Like remember you told me you came up with Ape Meat after some stalking some dude working in the Gorilla cage at the zoo all day who you swear was the spinning image of Eddie Van Halan, things were different back then man, sure, but they're better now! Ya can't’ force these things, besides little bro, dont forget, you were the one who came to me for help…”

“Fine, fine, Your right dude, ugh! As always But you're not helping your just reminding me shit I already know -COME ON BRO YOU BEEN MY LEAD GUITARIST HOW MANY TIMES NOW? We need a name and fast- This is supposed to be the easy part!”

 “Let’s put on some tunes that always used to help us back in the day,” Kevin said with a smile.

I grinned, as I shuffled through cassette tapes to put on for inspiration. Damn it! Did Kent steal my Aerosmith again?! Argh! I charged towards the bedroom door, fuming. 

 

“KENT, GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING AEROSMITH OR I’LL BURN YOUR FUCKING PRE-LAW TEXTBOOKS RIGHT NOW!!!” I screamed through the door. 

“FUCK YOU, LESSIE, I DIDNT TAKE YOUR TRASH MUSIC! WHY DON'T YOU CLEAN YOUR FUCKING ROOM, OR I'LL TELL MOM YOU JUST THREATENED TO BURN MY SHIT?!”

“SCREW YOUUUUUUUU, KENT! YOU NIMROD BUTTPLUG!”

“Aerosmith is low art. Besides, Steven Tyler’s a filthy homewrecker!”

“YOU TAKE THAT BACK, MAN!!!!!!!!!!” 

“MAKE ME, DIPSHIT!”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Shut the fuck up! Man, don’t you have like…a test to be studying for or something?” I sneered, unbolting the door. I aggressively swung it open, ready to tackle him. Kevin rolled his eyes, and intervened, like always, stepping between us, and shutting our fight down. As he slammed the door, sending Kent away in a huff, Kevin crossed his arms and looked down at me with boredom and disappointment. 

I blushed, blurting out: 

“Jesus, fucking Kent! I have this tingly feeling in my gut, he’s still got my tape, man, I know his tricks! Like, Dude, he’s not gonna even listen to it, he’s just gonna hoard it just so I can't listen to it! Just cuz’ he can! Plus he knows it’s the last thing you ever gave me for my birthday, back when they still let us celebrate those!! Now I’ll never get it back!” I whined, incessantly.

“Just forget him, dude, I’ll get you a new Aerosmith, they're having a sale at Camelot this weekend ok? But you know, he doesn't evenMy God is rock'n'roll. It's an obscure power that can change your life. The most important part of my religion is to play guitar have good taste, anyway, and no amount of stolen music will ever make him cool. First Lesson of Rock you taught me, ignore the opinions of Posers who have no idea what Rock n roll is. Trust me, he’s not worth it.” Kevin said in his classic comforting tone, giving me a noogie -hug combo as we sat back down on the ground, getting right back to business.

“Soooooooo is that it, man? Are you sure those are the best names for our band that you could come up with? Jeez, I can see the latex purple jumpsuits now and florsenset lighting now. Look, we gotta stay on track here, and ask the big questions”

“Like what Kev? Like what the hell are we doing with our lives…”

‘No, I'm doing just fine with my life. Thank you very much. Like what kind of band are we trying to be? You know what happens to the bands that never consider this question? They become one-hit wonders, man, just another shot in the dark. I mean, the vision is all over the place. Like you got this crazy riff that I don't even think Jimi could play without a synth, and these lyrics…you just sound like another Queen wannabee…all these anthems about ‘going to space’ and ‘finding a better race.’ It’s just another hollow moonshot with no depth. I know we can do better than this, dude. We gotta agree on the band's identity before we can even think about names.``

As usual Kevin was right. So I rolled my eyes and slid the Sheer Heart Attack Queen cassette into the boombox.“Killer Queen” started playing. I then scooted closer to Kevin, to show him my ideas for the band's new vision. It was much more coherent this time.

“Ok, I got it.” I grunted

“Wow, that was fast.”

“But before I tell you!-”

“Oh, here we go”

“Answer me this, Kev, what is rock n’ roll really about?”

“Um, stealing Black music?”

“NO! I mean, yes, that is a troubling part of our history…But-”

“Get to the point, Les. It’s almost dinner time.” Kevin checked his watch.

“Ok. Three words, brother. Sex. Drugs. And…rock n roll? Right? That’s what it's all about! It always has been. So, as a band, we gotta eat, sweat, and breathe it. Down to the bare essence, man. The world is hungry for some raw, untainted, wild stage power in their music! I’m telling you. Like, we gotta be as anarchist as the punks, as sexy and larger than life as Twisted Sister, as confident and grand as Queen, but most of all, were not your grandma's rock band. We are gonna really reignite the fire, and start our own revolution. Forget the purple jumpsuits, we gotta be the epitome of rock ‘n roll, redefine what it means to truly rock!”

“Yes. Good start.”

“These day’s to stand out you have to be totally punk rock, boundary pushing and out of this world! But this time dude, We're gonna be more insane than ever before! We’ll go to Skid Row to find the drummer, and the jail yard to recruit the bassist!” I belted, as I burst up to my feet.

“Yes!” Kevin said, with a renewed fervor in his eyes.

“We’ll write songs that get banned on the radio, and piss off every conservative in New Jersey! We’ll have the Christian Sunday book club picketing right outside the Sunset Strip! We’ll do every kind of drug on earth, and perform nude, covered in wax and whipped cream!”

“Hell yeah!”

“We'll take a new lover backstage every night! and show up on the cover of the village voice and ME every morning, ”

“Yes!”

“We'll have tons of regrets on the road, but even better memories. And we’ll never win a fucking Grammy, or change our lyrics for Veterans Day. We’ll never look back, and we’ll finally get out of fucking New Jersey!”

“Yeah, now that’s what I call a vision.”

“And Don't forget, it’s crucial we get arrested and record a protest album from our cell! We’ll get into bar fights at CBGB's and have backstage orgies that will make the front page of the Village Voice. We’ll live and die on tour, with no regrets, and we’ll die young from a heroin overdose at the age of 27!!!!” I said with crazy in my eyes, the passion seemingly consuming me, body and soul. Kevin suddenly pulled back.

“Woah! You really have this all planned out, huh? But, you know maybe that’s a little far, Les. I mean, it sounds bodacious as hell, but our band can't just be about making bad decisions.”

“That's it!” I said, snapping my fingers, as a final lightbulb went off.

“What now?”

“Bad Decisions! Now, that's a name!”

“...Oh my god, Lester, you're a genius! IT’S PERFECT!” Kevin shrieked as he lit up, lunging at me. He pulled me into a huge bear hug, where he swung me around, jumping up and down and cheering like we’d just won the World Series. 

“Bad Decisions, has a nice ring to it, man! Oh my god! I know just the guy to play bass. He’s in my honors class, he’s a total mall goth, a classic freak. Trent is a beast on the baseline. You know you two would totally get along. He also HATES his parents—and society.”

“Wow, we have sooooooooooooo much in common,” I droned sarcastically, coming down from the high of the moment. Now, I realized, came the hard part: actually forming the band. But, in Jersey, there wasn’t a surplus of esoteric personalities or raw talent. So beggars can't be choosers.

“Yeah, though he can be kind of intense, pretentious even. He might be just scary enough to play bass , keep Lenny and beans in line, and take us to the next level just like you wanted. He’s just the extra edge we've been looking for! Like your “main man,” Flea, he’s pretty wild. With all his pale face zombie makeup he could bring a real presence to the band. Besides, he’s more Viking Death Metal than the badass new vision of hair metal-punk rock fusion we're aiming for or whatever I'm down to figure it out as we go. But I think he’d be a welcome addition. It’s a band decision, though, so dude, your vote, should we recruit him tomorrow?”

“Is he a queer?”

“Pfft, wouldn't you like to know?” 

“He’s probably out of my league, anyway.” We had to be quiet anyone heard us talking about this stuff we were both screwed, Kevin was the only guy I knew who was even a little chill about me being gay, if anyone else knew it would be like rock n roll suside (and not the David Bowie song or the fun kind)

“Lester, don't be silly, no one’s out of your league. Trust me, all these cul-de-sac closet cases want nothing more than to play in your league. They're just society’s bitches, so they’ll never admit it. Trust me, once we're in a band, we are gonna be swimming in it. Being in a band always makes you irresistible.”

“Yeah, but only if we don’t suck.”

“Oh, trust me, with you on lead vocals, sucking wont be on the agenda.” 

‘Yeaaaaaah, about that…” Sucking? Really? Kevin doesn't even realize he’s just making a gay joke right now, which in itself, is almost an even funnier gay joke. (story of my life…), Suddenly, before any more brilliant band conversations or gay jokes could be exchanged, we heard our stupid Dad and his beat up old Hummer sped into the driveway, I winced as the front door violently slammed open.

“KEVIN! GO HELP YOUR MOTHER UNPACK THE GROCERIES! WE’RE MAKING MEATBALLS AND MEATLOAF PASTE!!!” Burt the brute barked, his voice echoing through the house like a wrestling coach over an intercom on the verge of hemorrhaging. Fun fact, Observe the heavy drinking, neglectful, working class, father in his natural habitat, notice how never never uses his inside voice or, carries his own meatballs, or improves anyone's lives by driving into them. 

“Guess that’s my cue,” sighed Kevin, as he cracked his back standing up, stretching his sleeping legs before running out the door. Oh no Kev, don't go we were just getting started! 

“GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE, KEVIN. YOUR BROTHER KENT CANT CARRY ALL THE JAMS BY HIMSELF. WHY DON'T YOU EVER HELP OUT LIKE YOUR BROTHER? YOU SELFISH DICKY, COME ON I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER OUT HERE!” Dad always took every opportunity to remind Kevin he was still the second-place son. I just lay down on the floor, and sighed. I lit a smoke, lying flat on the floor, staring longingly at the ceiling, like I'm sure some romantic might. The lava lamps lit the room like a supernova in the night sky, on the brink of burning our house down. I lie there just staring at the Red Hot Chili Peppers poster above, like the cysteine chapel, honing in on Flea's famous lips. I let my mind wander to all the lengths I would go for them, the peppers, and they had no idea the true extent of my loyalty, my religious devotion. I thought, even if this new band doesn't work out, at least I’ll have them. Hell, even if I end up dead tomorrow in an abandoned swimming pool, or lose my hearing and can never put the Led on again, or get in some kind of gay boobie trap, at least I’ll still have my rock gods, looking down at me. They always looked out for me, I knew god doesn't give a shit about anyone, but they would never let anything happen to me,when I survive to rock another day, I know they are blessed with their rock god beams of light. I know I am their prophet…a prophet of rock. Sent to earth to spread the word of rock, and the teachings of Jimi Page, John Lennon, Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton, and all the other saints. I must serve them until I perish, even if I have to be sacrificed, and nailed to a mike stand to prove it.  

Even if I never become anything more than a failure, at least I will have dedicated my life to rocking, something most people can never claim. A holy crusade, if you will. It’s a comforting thought at least. I turned the lights off and slid the Chili Peppers second studio album, Freaky Styley, into my Walkman and turned it up to 11. Letting their holy hymns and Jason Keddi’s sultry voice wash over me, and drown out the loud dinner prep chatter outside. In my room alone, with nothing but my music and thoughts, briefly enjoying peace on earth or the closest I could get to it.

But of course, my perfect moment of tranquil oneness was shattered as soon as it began.

“LESTER, DINNER IS READY YYY! GET OUT HERE, EVERYONE IS WAITING ON YOU TO SAY GRACE. YOU CAN’T JUST LIVE ON CIGARETTES, PIXIE STICKS AND THAT FAIRY MUSIC FOREVER YA KNOWS!!!” My mother howled, her shrill command cut through the musical harmony like a misshette. 

“AGH! I'm not hungry!” I yelled back, flusteredly shutting off Queen. 

“Feh’, you know Lester, don't waste your breath” Kent muttered to my father

“I had a hard enough day at work, why me, cursed with such a son!? Why does the boy do this every night! He’s getting special treatment, we can’t keep letting him just lay in his room every night, doing whatever he wants in there, what would Father Angels say? We do everything for that boy, and look what he does-”

“Dad, careful! Don't you think three beers is enough” Kent said, his genuine worry made me scowl.

“I swear to god, that boy is gonna be the death of me”

“Just forget about it!” I could hear Florance turn to my dad, trying to turn down the volume on his inevitable rage and give him that nightly reminder that I'm not worth the effort or the meatballs.

“Honey, please, he’s not worth the energy. He can get fat off pixie sticks and smelling salts for all I care. He does this every night, good food is earned.”

“YA HEAR THAT LESSIE, STAY IN THERE AND STARVE! AT LEAST THEN YOU’LL LOSE SOME GODDAMN WEIGHT!!!!” My dad whaled, making sure I heard every syllable.

As you can see, our household was clearly a functional one. Just Brimming with love and understanding. The kind of childhood that in no way becomes a tragic super villain backstory that was too lame even for batman.

That night I remember sneaking out my bedroom window, and like every other night. I went where I knew Kevin would find me after dinner: the hill.

I took the classic road from our suburb strip, of cardboard popup houses, and white timeless quiet. That was only penetrated by the crickets chirping and the distant din of highway traffic and whatever New York City sounds like.  

I walked by the high school, overrun by ivy and bird shit, it almost seemed abandoned in the fading twilight, no doubt invested with zombies. I know it was bad, but I could not resist vandalizing the front wall of the school. I whipped out my spray paint and covered it with the most gnarly set of words I could think of. The massive words read: “Bad decisions, the most badass band of this, or any other century. Try-outs after school at the Flatt residence, come if you dare.” I guarantee tomorrow at school, this will get people buzzing. Kevin would be proud, maybe. He might have not approved of my methods, but he appreciates a good old-fashioned publicity stunt, afterall headlines are headlines. I strolled up the usual hill, to the hilltop me and Kevin claimed as “Flat Earthers point” Because the hill is so high, it really feels like the earth is just totally flat so much it would make you think maybe Galileo was wrong all along . The view of the highway and the Houston river is always humbling as well as the untouchable New York City skyline. Kevin and I always come up here, to get away, especially on bad nights like tonight, like most nights, when your home feels like the trenches in a never ending war. If you had a brother, you’d understand. You know, you had your own private little backstage where the world just fades to black and it’s just you two against the world. Like we couldn't afford a tree house, we never had some cave, or clubhouse, local diner or secret hideout like some kids. It was just a flat earth hill that no one seems to care about or know exists that overlooks the highway and the full postcard spread. We had the finest industrial view in the tri-state area. Especially at sunset, it’s simply too beautiful to describe, and I'm too cool to spend my nights rambling on about the beauty sunsets, so you’ll just have to use your imagination. But trust me, this one was really a sight. The clouds were violet and peach. I'd rather just watch the sun take its time and see till it turns into bad moons rising. Now I’m not the kind of guy who should be musing on about these things, I’m not a real romantic type afterall. I doubt I’ll ever meet anyone who’s a true romantic, a writer that's a clean, well educated and wise man, who understands the world in a way I never could. Someday I'll go far away from here, and meet someone like that and maybe they’d make sense of it all. But not tonight and not here, here in Jersey, we are incapable of being romantic and sensitive, to be honest I don't think anyone in Ewing has stopped to smell the flowers since the civil war. But that's ok, because someday I'm gonna move out of here, far far away. New York City baby, just across the river. I mean where else would a guy like me go? Chicago? Ha! I know it’s cheesy but I know I’ll end up there, I can feel it. From here, I don’t know why the city feels so close, and yet so far. it’s just a river away, and yet It’s never been still so intangible. I know the skyline is only the dick tip of the cities' majesty, and the Statue of Liberty is a symbol of false hope. But I stare at it every night like a snowglobe and let my dreams fester. like one day I’ll disappear in those lights and never look back. All I know is that's where rock stars go to get broken in, before they get too famous, and head to L.A. This whole time I let my cassette play. But for some reason, It keeps skipping on this one song, the song “It’s a long way to the top, if you want to rock n roll.” By ACDC, though, it was too fitting, so I gave up and just let it play, skipping over the most badass line. I just closed my eyes and let the riff, and Bon Scott’s fiery voice just flooded me like a car wash. Man, that's what it's all about, letting the music consume you, body and mind, feel invincible like that song was written just for you, just to score this one scene in your life. All I want to do is make music like that, music that reminds you're alive. I sang the lyrics under my breath 

“Getting hard, getting took! I tell you folks it’s harder than it looks…cuz it’s a long way to the top, if you wanna rock n’ roll!” Such a good tune.

I watched the cars wiz by, blending all the lights together in my blurry vision as one giant blob of bright color under a mostly set sun. I watched as suckers got stuck in traffic on their long, draining commutes. I watched the world drive by, and I stayed stagnant, on my hill above it all, waiting to join the race. I lit a cig and let the wind blow through my black denim jacket, and my untied converse. I was totally chill dude, a rare moment of total peace, nothing could be better than this:

“Hey dude, I thought you might be up here.” Kevin said, earnestly

I was wrong, now it’s even better. We sat together for a while, just kind of taking in the view. 

 

I turned to him. 

“Hey, you survived dinner dude! it's a ‘god ordained’ miracle!’ I said, barely joking. 

“Oh barely Lessie! It was awful’, simply UNBEARABLE! I never thought I would live to tell the tale! Grace lasted longer than aunt Carol's wedding ceremony, Kent kept rubbing his “church fundraising” efforts in my face, as if getting into Harvard couldn't be anymore daunting. Now I have to solve world poverty, AND maintain a perfect GPA? I mean, how could you leave me stranded like that?” Kevin said jokingly, we laughed, but then it really hit me.

“Yeah, you know, I couldn't go to dinner anyway. I’m still on that cigarette only diet, so I don't know if going to dinner will really mesh with my current Lifestyle…plus I’m pretty busy, you know, freeloading, being fat, flunking out of school, so I might not have room on my schedule for all that, Dinner stuff.”

“Lester…come on man. You know I told him to go easy on you, but every time they just say I'm soft and I shouldn't keep “enabling” you whatever that means. They keep saying that it’s up to me to make sure they can afford to retire. Come on man, you know how much pressure I'm under, I love dad but he’s a nasty drunk he doesn't treat any of us well, but..I know he rides you the most, and god will punish him for that. But, come on man, you know your not really fat…right-”

“I don't know Kevin, do I? I mean Dad’s right sometimes! reality is reality, it’s about time I face the music, like, look at me, I'm not exactly frontman material, am I? You know, dad can’t help but rub salt in my wounds, I don't even eat…except sometimes when I run out of Camels. And yet, I still have the hot dog eating contest winner written across my forehead! Yoru jock friends at school can’t help but rub it in, they always beat me up and call me “Lardie Lessie” and you know I'm used to it, but that doesn't make it any less Grody man! I mean how did that happen? You and Kent eat all you want and still look like Greek gods! You got all the hot genes!” 

      “God make you different for a reason, he makes all his children equal-“

        “Oh don’t give me that! Ugh, You know maybe I should pick up a cocaine habit, that makes you runway skinny real quick. I mean, it worked for Bowie.”

“No! Lester, shut up! You know dad is full of shit? Ok! Come on, you know that! I  mean he’s just pathetic, he can't even go a day without getting shitfaced. He’s not healthy or hot and you should know by now listening to him will get you nowhere fast! The man’s a drunken hypocrite. Why would you ever take the bullshit he spews to heart, the man doesn't know what he’s talking about, and he hasn't since 1955, ok? Besides you're the one who told me, rock n roll isn't about how hot you are or your body, it’s all about the music man! Appearances are just window dressing.” Kevin tried to console me, patting me on the shoulder. As I nudged off his comforting advances, watching the sun set, rendering the night dark even set against the city's shining, hopeful lights.

“You know, you don’t give appearances enough credit, man.”

“Now, what the hell does that mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean, Kevin. These days you can't deny the music is only half the battle, now you have to have perfectly sculpted abs to attract a repressed Catholic teenage fanbase. Take a page from Elvis! Now ya gotta look sexy on album covers, become the next male sex symbol of the revolution, AND make epic music that stays on the charts and the radio! How can I possibly compete, man!? I’m running out of time man, right now, I have to be a lot less Dom Delwauise and A lot more Mick Jagger! Like right now dude! I gotta get hot, right now!”

“Right now?”

“RIGHT NOW MAN!”

“Sooo, let me get this straight, you have to lose a completely unrealistic amount of weight, and get like a he-man gym bod at the age of fifteen, in Ewing township? Where most people only live off whiskey, cigarettes, and internalized rage, otherwise the masses will only see your mass and all go deaf at once to ignore your voice of a generation?”

“Yeah man! It's the only way!” 

“Wait, wait, so see if I've got this right? You want to get the body of Mick Jagger, right this second, right here, on the grassy noel? Or your life will be over…even though you're not even old enough to Vote, am I missing anything?” Kevin smugly refrained, raising his eyebrow. Forcing me to hear how ridiculous I sounded.

“Ok, like...I don’t even really notice being a fat meatball most of the time, I never have time to look in the mirror anyway,” I sighed, staring up at the full moon.

“Yeah because Kent never shares it.” I forget how witty Kevin can be.

“Yeah because he’s a narcissist, but all the ladies can't help but back up his ego” 

“Look, man, It’s like you always tell me, ‘It doesn't matter what you look like Kev, rock n roll is all about confidence! All the ladies can’t resist a guy who knows he’s the shit and plays guitar.’ You give great advice, man, you should think about taking it one of these days.”

“Yeah, but there’s just one problem with all that man”

“And what’s that”

“It’s bullshit, man! I just tell you people what you want to hear, sure maybe it’s good advice in the void, but right now it’s just bogus! Like no matter what I do, dad always just HAS to drill it in, that I'm too fat to live under his roof, i'm never gonna be rock n roll enough for the world, I’ll never be christian and all american and perfect enough for him and mom, I Just can’t win, I’ll be a failure no matter what I do”

“So stop playing by other people's rules man, that was never really your style. If you re-write your own rules to live by-you’ll always be a winner-isn't that what rock n roll is all about?” I smiled, Kevin winked at me, the glint in his eye shining in the twilight. He knew exactly how to appeal to people, I mean he wasn't wrong…maybe I was a cliche for hanging onto his words, and giving a rats ass what our dad thought about jack shit, but unlike most nights where I could just shake off his cruelty, they were really getting to me tonight.”

“Yeah but parents arent supposed to be…be like this right…I mean, their supposed to love you, and he cant love shit unless it serves him, he’s just like all those fucking dudes in the white house man, expect he’s in our house man, right now eating our food and talking shit about our grades and calling us fatties. Do you know he can't even look me in the eyes without reaching for his barf bag or weeping with disappointment. He just wont stop yelling at me till I crawl back inside moms' womb! It’s like…he’s punching down, man, DOWN! Why don't you ever try to stop him?”

“LESTER! That's not fair, you know I always stand up for you! But sometimes you gotta face the music, and stop looking for approval down an empty well!...of approval, it's the…approval-well.” Kevin said, trying his best.

“Nice metaphor genius. Harvard is for sure taking notes”

“Oh shut up, now you're punching down. Gimmie that!” Kevin snatched my cigarette butt, taking a long puff.

“Careful, it’s about done.” I said as he coughed, lightly burning his fingertips, he stomped out the butt on the wet grass. As he blew his remaining smoke stack into the polluted highway fog. We both lied back on the hilltop. Together, lying flatt again under the starless sky, getting our backs soaked in dew and letting ants crawl up our sleeves, exhaling in unison. You can't see stars from New Jersey, just clouds cloaking the full moon, waiting for the werewolves to come out and devour us whole I thought to myself, I wonder what a shooting star would look like from New York City.

“You know I’d trade places with you, in a second, man.”

          “What?”

          “In a second.”

“No way, man! You? The prodigal son, the golden boy, the future Harvard albumin, wants to trade places…with me!? Man, now you’re really going soft. You know, once they have it all, they just get bored. Oh! That would make a great chorus.-” I whipped out a now wet sheet of loose-leaf in my pocket, jotting down the chorus to the lyrics for our first hit single, it’s gonna be so raw.

Kevin just looked up and sighed, bowing his head as he chucked to himself .

“Yeah, but I get it man, the grass is always greener, especially since my grass doesn't use Monsanto.” I joked

“No, that’s because you smoke it” He knew me too well.

           “What can I say, maybe you just wanna trade places with my blunt? Pfft I mean I would, unlike most guys, have special access to my mouth, and it makes me feel good.”

           “Ha, ha, no. But I still would trade with you, man, even just for a day. I know it doesn't look like it because I can make anything look good, but it’s actually a lot of pressure, man, being me. And having everyone expect excellence from you, constantly. Hell, I hardly expect anything from myself. No one expects anything from you man, I can’t imagine how much that sucks man, but also I’d kill to be that free. I just want one day, just one where no one expects a goddamn thing from me.”

           “Nah man…you wouldn’t last a day-“

         “Maybe not. What I do know is right now no matter how much I succeed I’ll never be enough, I’ll always be compared to Kent and I’ll never meet anyone’s expectations. You, no one expects anything from you man, no one expects anything from you, so you can never let them down. you have nothing to lose if I were you man, I wouldn’t play by anyone’s rules, but my own” 

          “Wow… I’m sorry everyone’s trying to keep you in this box, it's so un- rock n roll. Freedom, that’s what it’s all about you gotta break free man!”   

            “HA, yeah. But…listen to me man '' Kevin's tone softened. He looked right at me, growing serious all of a sudden.

           “The world is a groovy place, but thanks to Eve God made it a dark, horrible place too. The world is gonna try to cut you down man, it’s gonna test you to make you feel like you're a worthless piece of shit and like you’d be doing everyone a favor by giving up, and I won’t always be around to convince you otherwise. But you are such a unique incredible human being, your music is SOMETHING special and you are gonna change the world. That's a fact and I’m gonna be cheering you on the whole time man. The world is gonna try and make you feel like there’s no place for you in it, but that’s bullshit. Ok you're my brother and I love you, I wanted you to hear this from me before things get real. You're not a failure, mom and dad and everyone who will ever tell you otherwise is going to be proven wrong, all the great Rockers had haters in the start, you think everyone was rooting for Flea before he got famous? But seriously man, no matter how hard it gets, promise me you won’t forget, you're not a failure.”

            “Wow Jesus Kev I don’t know what to say-“

“ Promise me, you won't forget.”

“...” 

“Les’...Promise me, you're really good at forgetting…and making shit up when you do-”

“Ok, fine! I promise.”

We did our secret handshake (which I can't share with you here, as it is, in fact, classified) 

          “I know it’s easy to forget, to get swept away, in the madness and pain. But I will always be here, man, to protect and support you, no matter what. Ok?”

          “Heh, yeah, famous last words.”

          “Well I had to remind you sometime that I care, otherwise, who knows, you might forget by morning.”

          “I won’t forget.”

          “Not a bad way to start off our new band, if I don't say so myself…”

“We’ve had worse, that’s for sure”

“Ohhh I can feel it dude, we're on the verge of greatness! We’re gonna make so much great music together, man, I mean I can just taste it, this is gonna be our year!”

       “Hell yeah Kev! I mean how many band’s have both the frontman and lead guitarist brothers!? What a wholesome American novelty!” I asked, jumping around him like a flying fish.

        “Is that a rhetorical question buddy? I bet you can name a few.”

        “No I bet we’re the first ever of all time! The first that will blow the back out of the music industry and have all their fans know exactly how they started. We should write a song about this very moment, memorize it in the lore, and the fans will eat it up!”

       “Ha HA! Well, I hope our ‘fans’ never find out WHERE we started, next thing Ewing will become like Asbury park, we’ll become their Whole Economy?! Ha, talk about pressure!”

We laughed and rolled around in the grass for a while, such a sickly romantic moment between two brothers. (don't read too far into that.)

           “I guess I’m stuck in the middle huh?”

          “Yeah, stuck in the middle with YOU!” I sang the Steve Miller band chorus, watching Kevin groan.

         “Oh my god, how do you manage to make everything about rock songs?”  

          “Eh, it’s a talent.”

 I noticed Kevin still had gross Price Club brand tomato sauce on his cheek, but as any brother would do, I will wipe it off with my lips.

“Ewww you mutt! Don't lick my face!” Kevin barked, laughing in horror.

“Ah got it! You know, if you keep eating pasta like that, I pity the poor girls in your grade.”

“Ok, let’s just say I think Kent has a hold over that market…”

“More like a hold on their necks, besides, I don't know how the girls haven't been all over you this year, you totally got hot last summer….”

“Don't be weird.”

“I’m just saying! Come on, everyone knows Kent is an asshole, half his ex-girlfriends stopped going to church because of him, but you know what they say about those Flatt boys…”

“Um, third times a charm?” He smiled, jokingly punching me in the arm.

“Sureee…”

“Ok,Lester, I think it's time to head home. We have a big day at school tomorrow. I know Trent is won't be able to resist join Bad Decisions once I show him your sick lyrics from today, and you know, after I offer to do all his Bio-cem homework for a month.``

“Bribery? I'm here for it. You know he won't even need bribing once he sees how sick your guitar solos are? I heard he used to play battle of the bands every year and every time he wouldn't win him and his mall goth friends would curse the losers for all enetrity, he used to carry a gun and his bulldog bit that fascist pig in the neck after pulling him over on the way back from a gig, I heard legends he was himself for halloween, dude he’s a total badass, the fact he’s gonna be our basic is gonna give us instant band cred! I still can't believe you managed to bag Terror-Tonic Trent for our lineup? You really are letting Father Angel's sermon’s saying you were blessed by holy fairy dust go to your head” I scoffed, elbowing him harder as we walked down the hill.

“Yeah dude, Trent is great, I can't wait for you to meet him tomorrow, you guys will hit off I can't already tell but even if he doesn't end up being gay for you, who needs a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, when our true love has always been, rock n roll baby! Wow, that really is fun to say.” Kevin said

“Hey, that reminds me, tomorrow at school, I got a surprise for you.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“You’ll see, you, along with the rest of the school.”

“Oh good lord, let me guess, you actually did your homework for once? Ms. C will have a heart attack.”

“No better, let’s just say in case we wanted anyone else besides Trent to join our band, now us Pro Rocker’s will have no issue getting the word out.”

“...Oh good god, well on that ominous note, goodnight little bro, sweet dreams”

“Sweet dreams Kev- Sweet dreams of Flea and his perfect bass on top of me, telling me im the greatest rock star of all time, and that everything is gonna be alright…”I murmured into that sweet goodnight. Until me and Kev crashed on the couch, my poster of Flea’s centerfold was the last thing I saw in the cracked door of my room before I dozed off into dreamland. We were spent sleeping for the few hours remaining until dawn, until Judgment day. 

Chapter Three.

Band Leader or Bust

 

The Sunday crashed and burned to close, the weekend was over at last and we were not prepared for Monday’s brutal return, not in the slightest.

Now, it was back into the fray, leaving the previous night's bitter-sweetness behind and charging headfirst into the worst hell on earth with no protection, connection, support or guidance: Highschool. 

Our father blew an air horn In our ears at 6am sharp, waking us up military style, like he always does on school nights. He kicked me as I flipped off the sofa onto the cold carpetless floor, rubbing my eyes and head in jilted discomfort. Mom threw the windows open, “Chop, chop, get up! You're going to miss the bus!” She barked at us.

“ya Alright man? ” Kevin said, extending his hand, to help me up. He and I shuffled into our rooms, and got dressed. I carelessly snatched a pair of black jeans that barely fit, an oversized hand-me -down Red-Hot Chili Peppers t-shirt, a black shirt with their iconic red logo in the center of my tummy like a bullseye, the shirt I wear almost every day like a cartoon character. Mornings in the Flatt households operate on the old tenant of “you snooze you loose” so I knew I would be missing breakfast, again. I half-tied my old muddy combat boots, and my black trench coat, as I could tell it was going to be cold as a witch’s tit. I grabbed my old Star Wars lunch box and threw some old candy and condoms inside, to keep up the appearances that I was being fed. I saw Kent stick his tongue out at me from outside the window, as Kevin egged me to leave, as he dragged his bike and mine to the front lawn.

“Oh Les, I think your bike might need some repairs, it has a weight limit, you know.” Kent smugly gawked, as he mounted his bike.

“Eat glass Kent! Rock n roll is a heavy burden to carry ok?” I blurted at him, throwing a muddy baseball his way, as he dodged it and rode full speed ahead.

“Rock n roll? Is that what you did last time Jimmy and I pushed you down the Parish slope, because you rolled faster than my eyes are about to-Laddie Lassie!”

“Bit me, Kent!”

“How can you, I’m not a cigarette, either way won’t make you lose weight! Oh have a cow Lessie, I'm only teasing!”

“Hey Stiff-weed, Only Kevin can call me that!” I called, riding after him

“Come on, first one to school’s a rotten egg!” Kevin said, obvious and jolly as ever. As he pat my aching shoulder and rode off to school. I sped ahead of him almost hitting a toddler as I paddled so hard I could have lifted off the ground. Kent made a ridiculous swerve on the sharp turn ahead, blocking me and Kevin and forcing me to lose balance and fall off my bike. Kent cackled  at my toppling as he sped ahead out of sight.

          “Ugh! Screw you Kent! You won’t be laughing so hard when I slash your stupid tires! Ok your stupid fancy asshole bike! Because the only people who ride it are assholes!!! IT'S AN ASSHOLE BIKE MAN!”

          “Come on.” Kevin said, offering me a hand helping me back on my bike. He whizzed past me as I struggled to catch up.

          “Les, come on we’re gonna be late for school.”

“Ha, school? Where do you think I learned how to slash tires!’ I shouted

“Pfft, if you gut his tires, I won’t tell.” Kevin said, breezing ahead.

“Wait up wiz kid!!” 

          “Catch me if you can! Ha ha woo!”

We passed cookie cutter neighborhoods, forced to cut through Ewings plastic middle class. Everywhere I looked I saw “childhoods” being slowly stripped away, sending kids off to be molded and brainwashed into good little unquestioning Americans. With little minds and predetermined morals. Hoping on their school buses, holding their parents hand. All of them having just finished a bowl of captain crunch, with milk from the “missing child” cartons, knowing it could always be them next. I hate kids, I can't believe I used to be one. If kids were just allowed to listen to rock n roll in peace, maybe they wouldn’t grow up to be so fucked up. Rock n roll saves lives. I pulled my bike up to the schoolyard, to snicker with glee as everyone in the whole school got to see my band auctions on the side of the school. Some of the cool seniors just nodded their heads and said “alright man!” as they looked up it and laughed, I even caught 

Man, high school is for sure humanity's worst contribution to the twenty first century. As it neared the end of my Freshman year, I started to really question what it is I was still doing here? Like everyone knew that college was not in my cards, and neither was any kind of “respectable career” along with it. No teacher even half batted an eye when I didn't show up to class or to recess. 

So, I always fell into the same routine that I’d been stuck in since second grade.

It goes: Pull all-nighters, wake up early, don't eat, smoke, be late to school, get beat up, Get defended by Kevin in the halls,(only when he feels like it) play hookie and smoke in the boiler room, chew old gum from the underside of desks, pick my nose, write lyrics on in the margins of worksheets, ask Kevin witch of the popular guys he thinks are secretly gay, try to hook up with them, get beat up some more, draw Mr. Aston in compromising positions in the pits of pre-algebra , ride home, write lyrics, get chased out of the house for smoking, get a pep talk from Kevin on Flat Earthers hill, go to bed hungry. 

Rinse and repeat.

It was a deeply underwhelming rhythm, such a cycle needed to be broken eventually, that's when I ditched my sophomore year for the second coming of chaos. But in the meantime, chaos was always inevitable. 

Kevin is a year older then me, a sophomore but he was taking honors seniors classes, most of which Kent had aced last year. Meanwhile, I am still a freshman, stuck in the “retard classes.” Of which I was still failing. Like it was already March and I had been getting record breakingly bad grades since 1st grade. To be honest,man it's a miracle I made it this far. My grades were SO bad, some of the fellow lackeys in my grade, especially Lenny and Beans, who had played in my bands in the past, actually found it kind of impressive. But alas my guidance counselor did not. She had been putting off meeting with me for her own sanity, as the rest of the faculty had given up long ago. She was one of those firm believers in the whole “no child left behind” montra, but then again in practice she had about as much patience as Lou Reed in the studio. I had a fucking meeting with her today I was dreading. Ms. Mumphrey was a tall, slender, stretched out sort of woman,she was as old as the school itself and had vowed to never retire (to the resounding groans of the student body) she always wore a different variation on the same, ill fitting prudish blouse, with a frilly apron design around her saggy tits, and some kind of family heirloom cameo brooch poking out of her Amish collar. She looked like a sad turtle, and always had the same saggy disapproving look, in an approximation of Mitch Macconel. She could murder you with her fancy letter opener, and could ruin your whole future with one stroke of her pen on her clipboard. She spoke like the last person on earth you’d want to get at the DMV, as she talks so slow sometimes you feel like you're entering into a different time dimension. 

With a shrill, arched English accent that always sounded like she was sentencing you to the gallows whenever she parsed her drooping, flappy frog slips. Her denchers were constantly getting lost, she often would conduct witch hunts among the student body to retrieve them, when they were almost always still in her mouth. Her office was in a little closet, her desk was adorned with every kind of collectible figurine, including mcdonalds happy meal toys, she had awkward pictures of her dead husband and various dead cats everywhere, in tacky sapphire frames that were half off at the home improvement depot, her tiny office smelled like moth balls and mold. She always had a piping hot tea on her desk as well as the bulk of the room being cluttered by an insane amount of paperwork, documents, files and god knows what else. And of course she had pictures of all her student “success stories” on her paint chipping wall, with a special spot reserved just for Kent. I flopped into the tiny folding chair before her, that I could hardly sit on without falling off as I was too fat to squish my whole ass on just this one show choir stool. 

I was barely able to close the door all the way due to the avalanche of paperwork and yarn balls behind the door.  I started Coughing the second I walked in the room, as she gave me that prying look, like she could smell the cigarette smoke on my breath, and the shit I was full of. I'm sure it was a putrid aroma. Our meeting today went a little something like this (brace yourself:)

 

“Soooooooooo Lester Flatt, I’ve heard a great deal about you.”

“Well I am a student here, so…”

“I’ll have no sass from you Boy!” I shuttered.

“I’m just going to come out and say it! Your academic performance is nothing short of inscrutable! I have never seen such a report card, you strike me as impertinently insolent, and generally lacking in function of the frontal lobe! Do you understand the words that I am saying to you?”

I gulped, leaning back in my chair as she breathed her fire into my face.

“Yes, ma’m-”

“NO, you will address me as Madame’ Mumphry! Or simply as “councilor” Understood?”

“Yes, ma'am-er-I mean counselor.”

“Right so, let's get right to the apple's core, shall we!”

“Yes….right”

“You! Are on the precipice of an academic dismissal, and as a freshman that would look absolutely atrocious on your record and resume! But my dear boy, it would be more disastrous for the school, this institute strives to preserve a legacy and partial reputation of excellence. And a freshman from a local hard working, low income christian family dropping out in such a fashion would just be absolutely abysmal optics! Do you understand mr. Flatt?”

“Mhm, yes...yep”

“Spednded, now you may think due to my sympathies, I’d be obliged to hand out free passes, willy nilly.But I'm afraid that couldn't be further from the truth! This generation has gotten soft! SOFT I SAY! When I was a girl, education was a privilege not a right and certainly not a pastime to be frivolously ignored! After All dear boy, both your brother’s are straight A students, set to be valedictorian this year, Kent a junior, already has the Ivy’s buzzing. So dear boy, you can't clearly resort to genetics as an excuse, nor can you fall back on the old nature vs. nature safeguard. No, my boy, your stark lack of achievements are all but your own.”

“Good to know…” I sniped, starting to wonder if her clock was slow.

“So what are we gonna do about this little situation we’ve found ourselves in, Mr. Flatt? Hmm? I have already recommended getting you a private tutor despite the fact your family has explicitly refused to pay for any expense of the sort, inducing school lunches!”

“I don't need a tutor, lady.”

“Don't you dare disrespect me Mr. Flatt! Your brothers never speak to me that way. My boy, you're clearly very talented. It says on your record you’ve had over a dozen rock n roll music collectives since your youth, and many have stated, that the musical integrity and compositions have tremendous poetical! If you spent half as much energy on those vile lyrics as you do on your assignments, I have no doubt you’d catch up to your brethren in no time. In fact, you may not even be required to repeat your sophomore year!”

“Yeah, but I have to be honest, school just isn't for me, I was thinking of dropping out, you know, to stop kidding myself.”

“No dear boy, you have to listen to me, we will, by gosh, get your grades to at least a passing average by may, and that I swear to you. Alright, you have a place at this institution, son, and you know what I always say-”

“No child left behind?” I dryly parroted

“Precisely!” She said, looking down, at the sign on her desk that read that exact phrase in big pink bubble letters. 

“Because it would make the school look bad if I flunked out now? Somehow even though that happened like all the time this is a public school. Is it because of my brothers? Like if you guys don't get the pyramid of academic superstars like what? your investors will think something off? Because all great things come in threes? Is that it?”

“Dear boy, what a bad, bad faith interpretation. Whatever happened to trust? Hmm? What ever happened to faith, and love, and trust in the American education system?!”

“Uh, I don't know, we listened to The Wall?” I said, half serious.

“ just…promise me, dear boy, you will not drop out before we can effectively assist you in improving your grades, as well as actually graduating on time. As of now, that is the only thing of consequence. It does not concern me as too how, as long as you make the changes required. As a thought, perhaps you can begin by actually attending lessons, as your attendance record is nothing short of disheartening. You understand what I'm telling you at this time?”

“Yes, crystal clear, don't drop out, get better grades.”

“And dear boy, remember this is all for you, all for you and your future.”

“Riiiiiight.” I said, standing up from my chair as the lunch bell rang.

“But Not for the school’s private interest, no that is not our primary aim in the slightest. It’s all just a minor bit of extra context! We just have your best interests at heart! Our intentions are to serve and elevate the Ewang township school district-I mean the community! and we have no, and I do mean zero, conflicting incentives to achieving that goal, dear boy. I assure you. This is all for you.” Ms. Murphy nervously sputtered, trying to cover up her conflict of interest as she kept rambling as I opened the door to leave.

“Yep. all for me.”

“Ta Ta! Lester, oh dear boy, next time you end up in the principal's office, why not just not mention we had this little chat, hmm?”

She yelled after me, as I escaped her integration just in the nick of time. I found myself back at my locker, a single island, a bastion of individual self expression in a sea of profoundly un rock n roll highschool bullshit. I opened my locker to stuff my lunchbox and folder inside. Of course, my locker is covered wall to wall, with tickets and pinups from a lot of the same bands that are in my room (Mostly sexy Posters of the Chilli Peppers, and little polaroids I took of Flea on tour from my private collection hanging in the back where no one can see.) Ms. Murphy doesn't know what she’s talking about. I thought, to myself as I reached up to my locker, still to short to reach all the way up to grab all my books, out of the leaning tower of lyric composition book pile hanging out of it, just one poke away from falling down on my face, why doe these locker’s have to be so fucking high. I reached, and reached so high until I could feel my jacket ripping, untill, before I knew it, Kenny loggins and his gaggle of Brick brained Jocks descended upon me like the plague of frogs, knocking my books from the lockers ledge right on my head, just in time for the bed.

“Oops, did I do that?” UGh! I dropped to my knees to pick gather up all my lyric and school notebooks and papers scattered all over the hallway as kids started to pour out to classrooms back into the hallway to gawk at my exposed butt crack, groveling to pick up my books as Kenny and his apes cackled, slamming his boot onto my back, pinning me to the ground.

“Ugh!”

“Awwwwwww, what’s the matter Fatty? Kevin not here to save you now?” 

“You know what? You goons can beat me up every week all you want - because all this bullshit man, it’s all just inspiration for my next rock n roll hit! You know that right? I'm a rock god, I'm on another level man, I played with Joey Romonone, Iggy pop-”

“Iggy pop? Iggy pop? Ya hear that guys? Hey played with iggy pop?” Kenny mocked loudly to everyone in the crowd, mocking and pointing at me, as he held me up by my hair.

“Sure Lester, you played with Iggy Pop like I got a boyjob from Palama anderson last night on a Yacht, and didn't even pull out-”

“I did! He was a really nice guy too! I'm not lying man, just you wait and see!” Kenny dropped my hair and walked away with the mocking crowd, leaving me with a bloody bruise under my eye where he was smushing me into the hard floor. A lot of them walked off laughing and looking back at me, picking myself up off the floor, gathering my books after they crumpled and ripped half of my notebooks right in front of me. Rubin Smith, the lead singer of our schools most popular, ‘cool’ rock band stood across the hall, rolling his eyes at the whole affair, at me or the bullies, I couldn't tell he was too cool for us all, I would kill to be as cool as him, no one would have any issue believing he was friends with Iggy pop. I grunted, glaring at my trometors who get away with messing with me every day with no consequences and would grow up to have the same mindset about the world, I wanted to set their fucking letterman jacket’s on fire, 

“ha, ha He’s such a loser…just look at him”  I punched my locker in rage as I locked in quickly, hearing the second bell right for lunch. I joined the stampede of kids racing to the first on the cafeteria line, despite my intentions of not eating and just going to sit with Kevin and see if he was with Trent, and see if he really was as perfect for the band as Kevin had made him out to be. I made it the camera on the basement floor, groaning at the thought of the school having some kind of car out external motivation to keep me from flunking out so early, America baby, money is behind every door and every bullshit meeting, just waiting to flood through the closets and drown us all. Oh crud! That's a banging lyric. I wrote it down on my arm real quick.

“Yo Les’!” Kevin shouted from his Formica table at the back of the cafeteria, waving me over. I started to walk over, getting the usual gagged looks and side eye from the popular kids. I even tripped on my own shoelaces as people sticking their foot out expecting me to drop my tray and humiliate myself as always, I flipped them the bird as always. 

'`Hey, man, congrats you survived the big M!’ Lenny said as he snuck up behind me, with his second half Beans as always, not far behind him.

“Oh gag me with a spoon, see this is why this country should have a mandatory retirement age!” I said, as they both threw their arms around me.

“S-s-so about that new band, y-y-you know we got seniority right? you know, T-t-t-to play, I mean, like, you know, for old times sake…y-y-you know?” beans stuttered nervously, antastly tapping on my shoulder.

“Well I mean Kevin is the other head of band management right now, so you guys are gonna have to take that up with him…” I said sitting down at Kevin's table, which was more diverse than the whole of New jersey.

“ahhhh speak of the devil, '' I said, looking at Kevin's smug face, eating his carrots with reckless abandon. He somehow still sat at the head of a table, with Trent on his right playing with a dead moth on the table, and Marty, his study partner and fellow brain. He was planning to major in music management and had connections to the industry, spiffily his hot, playboy Uncle Frosty who’s a big shot manger for Capitol records in LA. He was currently begging him to manage our band. I got the vibe Kebin had pitched our band ideas from last night, in an attempt to make something more professional and long term.

“Wait, Kevin’s in the band? How’s he gonna have time for study hall?” Lenny snipped, he was hardly good enough of a friend to make such a joke, but Kevin let it slide, of course. Along with Kent, he basically ruled the school. Yet he sat with all the 'freaks'' at lunch, but obviously “freak” is just code for artists and kids who don’t speak in highschool.

“STICK A SOCK IN IT LENNY! He’s sitting right there you know.” I said, keeping him in line.  

“please Lester no need to defend my honor, Lenny of course you can play keyboard again.”

“What what? But his whole upbeat Billy Joel thing doesn't mesh for the band's new dark, and mature sound? What happened to finding a keyboardist in a mental asylum, man? Come on!”

 

“OK Lester, but the thing is, Lenny is your friend and you've played together for years-”

“Again, I'm right here!” Lenny scoffed

            “Plus, Lester, I don't know when you started underestimating his ability to gel and evolve his style to different musical genres? I mean you dont think he could learn how to play a spooky orangan if you needed him too? and Lester we have to be realistic here, we can't just audition any random student who saw your little spray paint advertisement? I mean then we’d have to be mean and break too many hearts by rejecting them if they can't play, and you know I just don't have it in me to do that, so Lenny’s on Keyboard, and Beans can be on drums again.”

“y-y-yes!’ Beans cheered

“But Kev’, like…what about integrity?”

‘Lester, we don't even have that much time or resources to work on this band, you make fun, but we really do need to be studying, but making time for this band is my new priority, but we just don't have the time to try and recruit the “perfect fits” for the band, I mean you said it yourself confidence is everything, Have confidence in your friends!” Beans and Lenny obnoxiously nodded along in uncion at Kevin's ruling.

“You see, a good band is like a cake, you had the right ingredients before, now you just need to slightly alter the recipe, to create something truly delicious.” Kevin said, with the most irritating earnestness I've ever heard. 

“Ok fine, Kevin! They can join, again you got me with your weird preachy metaphors. But remember it’s my band, my rules!”

“Right, les, whatever you say.”

“Want some humus?” Kevin said, offering me a fat carrot covered in chickpea paste, peppered with spices. Lunch today was fish and chips with carrots and human’s, and chocolate milk of course. None of the witch I could eat.

“Nah, I ain't hungry.”

“Man, don't worry, I won't tell mom…anyway It should be Illegal for  mom not to pay for your lunches, I always tell you, I'm president of the student council, I could always launch a formal complaint…”

“No, don't worry about it man. Ok how’s about that carrot then?” I said comforting him, he tossed me a human covered carrot that I pretended to smoke, much to the eye rolls and mockery of the current round table Knights.

Lenny just adjusted his posture, as well as his Green leather jacket and dog tag necklaces. Lenny was a wannabe surfer, despite the fact he’d never set foot on a board in his life, let alone any beach. He was pretty great on keyboard in my last band, we even had a few collabs. Our most recent band, formed and broken up, all before the end of 8th grade. It was called “the guilty party” . We were very much Wannabee Rolling Stones in every way, whale also trying to be Elton John, Three Dog Night and the bay city rollers, all at once. We never played a live gig, never could decide on a sound, we never recorded an album, we saw a lot of faces, but never rocked them all. But all that was gonna be different this time.

Kevin just kept on smooshing with Trent, Kevin leaned across the table to whisper in my ear.

“Lester, I have got to tell you, I think we really struck gold this time. He’s exactly what we're looking for.” Kevin had a talent for whimpering loud enough for everyone to hear.

“Soooooo, Trent.” I inquired, cutting through the chewing and chatter.

“Yeah?” Trent said, looking up from his dead moth, looking utterly wasted. Trent was somehow more outrageous than Kevin had described. He had knee length straight black hair, with red streaks that almost always covered his whole face. He had a pale face of makeup, so pale I might have mistaken him for a member of King Louis court, pitch black 3 inch eyeliner, black lipstick and eyeshadow. Trent was also adorned, head to toe with every pricing on the market, like a walking jewelry display. He was wearing huge spiked arm guards, mutable dog collars, and leather fingerless gloves with his pale skinny hands sticking out, with black finger paint and several satanic rings, some glowing red, to ward away posers I presume. Trent towered above us, sitting at a good 6ft, 3 inches. He had massive lips, often was so mysterious, and aloof no one knew a goddamn thing about him, there were rumors he was raised in the dog pound, and never managed to get adopted. But of course Kevin managed to befriend him, and decide he’s the second coming of Bass.

I bet he was good, but Kevin had some nerve comparing him to Flea, the sacrilege! I gulped as he maintained his death stare “eye contact” for way too long, sagging his huge lips like mick jagger waiting to be fed a cherry on his tongue by a hot babe. 

Sitting here now, face to face with him, I honestly thought he was a bit much. He was definitely intense. I resent my brother for seemingly trying to set us up, like he’s attempted many times before, to set me up with guys he thinks are gay to keep me from suffering through the full lonely gay boyhood experience. And suggesting “we might get along” though he could have meant that in a normal way, my brother is completely well intentioned, 100 percent of the time, except when he’s not. But I could not deny, he was attractive. In a sort of fear inducing, sleep paralysis demon sort of way. The question was, could he play. 

“So my brother here, tell me you are a man of rock?! I've come to the council to confirm or deny this… title. After All, not everyone can truly Rock!”

“Ew, don't say it like that man, you make it sound so lame! You're embarrassing.” Trent said, looking repulsed by my raw passion. 

“Can you play bass?” I cut to the chase

“Duh.”

“Radical!’ Lenny chimed in

“Ok man, well my brothers heard your riffs, but this band is an autocracy-”

“No, Lester autocracy is a dictatorship with one single leader, I think you mean an oligarchy.” Kevin corrected, causing everyone to jeer.

“Right thanks, No, actually this band is a democracy and so every band member has to agree on everything, by power of committee!” Kevin paceplamed, knowing I didn't quite know what the hell I was on about.

 

“But as the founder and leader of this band…Kevin and I will still need you to audition, at our house, afterschool, today.” I declared. 

“Awww, come on Kevin, that's totally not gonna work out, man! I gotta study tonight, and take Lupus to the vet!” Trent whined, sounded winded.

“Lupus?” I asked Trent. I liked him better before he opened his mouth.

“Yeah, ‘little bro’, my bulldog? Like not everyone can just sit around all day wanking it to the red hot chili peppers! I mean, who even listens to them anymore?! Huh?” Kevin looked embarrassed, as he tried to keep us from fighting.

“How dare you talk about them like that! You crackpot demon-ape! What the hell do you listen to then?” I said standing up, flipping my empty tray.

“I donno, man. Dio, Sabbath? Jesus christ, it's just a band, dude! Take a chill pill. You can’t take things so personally, man!” 

“I'll take your ass personally, man!” I yelled, lunging at the much bigger Trent for a fight, as Kevin yet again stepped between us preventing me from getting my ass beat, again. He had to hold me down, as I kept swinging. 

“Fuck you man, the peppers are more then just a band to me! How would you like it, if the second I met you, I starting taking atomic shits on everything you love!” I said, trying to throw punches. Trent just crossed his arms and rolled his eyes, Kevin somehow convinced him to not leave the table or the band after that whole debacle, and managed to sit me down and talk some sense into me. 

“OK look, Lester, it isn't good business to get into a fight with our bassist on our first day! you're not nearly famous enough yet. It's normal for bandmates to fight, you think the chili peppers all got along right away? NO! We don't have to have anyone rehearse on a day when they can't, ok? Maybe we will come up with a weekly rehearsal schedule down the line, if we even get that far! But just dont worry so much man, it’s about the music remember, we can't lose sight of that. it’s all gonna work out, we're all gonna make it work, and we're gonna make great music, in the big lineages this time. OK?” Kevin said, comforting me by patting me on the shoulder, and holding me. 

“Ok.”

“Repeat after me, it’s all gonna work out”

“It's all gonna work out.”

“Nothing is worth wigging out over’”

“Nothing is worth wigging out over’

“It's all about the music”

“It's all about the music”

“Good! That's all it is, man.”

“Now Inhale…”

“Exhale…”

“Better?”

“ha, You know it” I responded, pushing a purtuding vein back into my neck. Kevin’s methods work on me every time, he’s right I didn't need to get so worked up. Kevin did some deep breathing experiences to the slight humiliation of onlookers in the cafeteria starting to smell like ass and moldy yogurt as the air conditioning was still broken. Kevin nudged me, 

I turned to Trent

“Sorry about all that, man.” 

“Whatever Wastoid.” Trent Sneered, now soured

“So, now that we kissed and made up…” Kevin said, forcing us to hug.

“Oh, I’m good. Hugs are for fags. Trent said, almost antagonistically to me. Trent sighed, and turned to Kevin, clearly peeved. Trent began speaking to him privately, out of my earshot.

“Ugh! Kev, your brother’s a real piece of work.”

“Yeah, but, boy, can he play guitar.”

“He seems like an amateur, he’s too young, he’ll be a turn-off to music labels! Besides, man, no one fucks with me on Hummus day. I’m trying to take this man seriously. I told you yesterday, I’m in it for the record deal. " Trent whined, obviously intimidated by my leadership and pure rock n roll spirit. 

“Ha! Don’t tell Lester that! He’ll grill you for selling out, you gotta understand, he’s a purest, ok? It hasn't quite clicked for him that we are all the poltariot, and the broshasie requires the fruits to be inisirtiicbly separated from our labor for the capitalism western economy to function. But until he learns he really wants this band to work out man, he is so devoted to it, it’s his whole life, he hasn't got much else. Please, I promise, after a few studio sessions, he’ll grow on you.”

“Whatever you say, man.”

“Great..and, Look, he's a fine man like I told you, he’s the best. He can just get a little overexcited about this stuff, overly passionate, you know? But I promise he means well, we’re both in it to win it, man!”

“Sick. Alright, fuck it, I’m in!”  Trent shouted, as Kevin shook his hand and hugged him aggressively, as half the cafeteria cheered. Kevin brought him back to the main table to celebrate. Trent aggressively turned to me, I reflexively stood up, ready to get clocked (like I definitely deserve), only for him to smile.

“So, what’s this fucking band called again!”

“Bad Decisions!” me and Kevin both said at the same time. 

“Ugh, I mean that really says it all right there. Agh, Fuck it! I’ll get my stepdad to take Lupus to the Vet, let’s rehearse tonight! If the side of the bundle is to be believed, you're holding OPEN AUDITIONS?” Trent subtly addressed the cafeteria, in case anyone had not already seen the vandalism. Almost everyone just laughed at me, I'm sure. But also at the fact that the band was formed now, and all those jealous posers were too late to join the greatest musical experiment since Van Halen. They scoff now, but next year they’ll all be camping out outside Camelot Music for our latest record in the pouring rain.

“Ok, well, I think we got ourselves a band!” Kevin said joyfully, wrapping both his wings around Beans and Lenny, who were flying out of their seats with excitement at this point. Trent and I achieved a temporary truce when he gave me the rest of his precious humus, and I showed him the lyrics on my forearm that I'd been working on, all they needed now was a raw baseline. 

The bell rang.

 Lunch never lasts as long as you think it does. Everyone scrambled out, leaving a hurricane of mess for the lunch ladies to clean up. All I could think was this was the Dawn of a new Era. 

The rest of the day wrapped up like clockwork, I inevitably had to slum in Principal Hinnley’s office until the end of the day, for the vandalism, of course.

“You're lucky you aren't being arrested soon! Giftining promotion of your Satan worshiping rock band on public, tax funded, state owned, property!? What were you thinking?” Principal Hinnley scolded, making the full journey through my personal space. Getting all up in my business like he was giving me an eye exam. 

“Well, just like I learned in economics, the best way to appeal to the free market is to advertise in a way that's targeted and accessible to all consumers.” I said, smugly repeating one of those Talking Points, from Kevin’s AP Econ textbooks. 

“Don't get smart with me!” He bellowed. Smart? No, cuz Im dumb as rocks remember? So don't worry your pretty bald head about that. I slumped down in his stiff cushioned office chair, as I woefully stared out the window , there was no wind, everything was still, I could faintly hear the migrant window washer crew swear in Spanish at their task of having to paint over my work of art on the wall outside. I interrupted principal Hinnley, in a fit of laughter as I caught a pigeon shitting on the American flag. 

 

“What on god's earth is so humorous Mr. Flatt? This is no time for amusement, you are in a heap of trouble, young man! What,-” He turned around to see the Pigeon defecating on the American Flag, staining it, surely. I erupted in an uncomfortable fit of Laughter, at Hindley’s dumbfounded reaction.

“T-t-that is deeply offensive, and unpatriotic! Agh! Good God, Get rid of it!”he swatted out the window aimlessly, trying to wield the birds butt to close up through sheer force of will

“What are you gonna do? Shoot it? Heh, now that would be American”

“How dare you, have you no respect for the greatest nation on earth? I swear, your generation has no manners!”

“If you wanted manners, why did you become a high school principal?”

“...Ah, at last!  Look at this! Your mother just faxed me, she’s busy at work until eight, and your father is… out of commission…hm. So no one is coming to pick you up, school gets out in-” He slowly checked his Goldman Sachs watch and really adjusted his classes to see the time, just to make sure.

“Five minutes. Good luck, Mr. Flatt, you're gonna need it.”

“Thank you, oh my-golly gee! Thank you so much mister! I'm eternally grateful. I just don't know what to do with all this gratitude-” 

“Just get the fuck out of my office. Before I change my mind.” principal Hindley said, coldly. He literally tossed me out in the hallway by my bootstraps.

The bell rang and everyone stampeded out to their cars, buses, and bikes out on the tarmac, they ran through me as I just shuffled down the fire escape, away from the 3pm crowds. I saw Kevin, he was with his sports buddies. Oh yeah, he was also a football star, hey, I told you he was popular. A couple of Kevin’s football buddies drove us home and dropped us off at our front porch. 

That afternoon, it was getting so late, I was starting to think our new band wasn't gonna show up. Maybe it was all too good to be true. Me and Kevin sat on the floor of the Garage, dreading dad coming home and kicking us out of his holy automobile sanctuary. Kevin read the newspaper, man, was he always reading something. I looked at my watch, and scratched my ass. I don't know if you noticed, but I'm not the poster boy of patience. 

“Ha!” Kevin Squealed, knocking his head back to cackle. “Oh my gosh, Les’ have you seen the size of this guy’s birth mark! You could see that thing from space!? ha ha”

“Who?” I asked 

“Oh, the new Soviet president, he was sworn in today.” he showed me the front page news. I couldn't help not but not care about the news right now, we had rock n rolling to do! Of course, our band was already late for our first rehearsal. So the only news I cared about was if they would get here before sundown.

“Where the fuck are they man?”

“Who? The soviets?”

“NO! Bad Decisions? Trent, Lenny, beans? Where are they? They said they’d be here half an hour again, man!”

“They’ll be here, little bro.”

“Rock n roll waits for no one, man.”

“Well, get ready, half of being a band is just waiting around in studios all day for your bandmates to show up.”

“Shut up, man, now you're telling me what it's like to lead a band. pfft, what? Did you read that in your AP music theory class?”

“Lead a band? really? dude, You know you're going to have to drop that whole thing sooner or later, remember, this band is a democracy, it doesn't work unless everyone is doing their equal part. I mean, unless you're already gunning to sell out for a solo career.”

“But, It’s my band. That’s just how bands work, some guys are frontman and some guys are always backup! Ok, man, I didn't make the rules, that's…just the way it is. And there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it.”

“Were…not talking about the band anymore, are we?”

“I Just…everyone’s always telling me I'm a failure, that it's in my blood, to let everyone down! This is my last chance to prove I'm not, man, to prove them all wrong! Cuz when they least expect it I’m gonna rise, and be the biggest thing this town has ever seen!”

“You know, you’ll never be a failure, not to me. I tell you every day, man, but you'll always be the heart and soul of the band, so who cares about labels man, a leaders gonna lead weather you call him one ir not 

“Yeah we’ll, of course you say you're proud of me, but it doesn’t count.”

“Why not?”

“Because you're my brother, brothers don’t count!”

“Why, I know you better than anyone, if anything I should be the most qualified to say if I’m proud of you or not.”

“We’ll…I’m still the leader”

“Man,even you don't get to always be the Boss.”

“Yeah, I mean we're trying to stick it to the man, not to become the man. That's my greatest fear…You're right I can't be the Boss? Were a band not a corporation!? Fuck corprations! Except…maybe playboy, they're alright”.

“HA! I mean yeah! But I meant Bruce Springsten, the only boss I’d ever want to be. But let’s be real  New Jersey dosent deserve another pride and joy.” 

“Yeah, But screw all that noise, man. I’m not your boy Bruce Springsteen. I'm not a Greek god who loves dining about the American dream.I’m never gonna be new jersey darling, if I ever am, that’s how you know I failed. You see man, me, I don't have a choice. Bad Decisions have to work out, we have to make it big! Otherwise, I’ll be stuck working at friendlies, broke and alone in Ewing township until the end of time man! Rock n roll is in my blood, I can't do anything else, this is my last chance man! This is it!”

“Woah! Lester…you're fifteen years old. Dude, take a chill pill! This isn't your last chance to do anything, you're just a kid man, There's no rush? Wigging out isn't very rock n roll, you know.”

“Wigging? What? I ain't wiggin! Your wiggin!”

“Just take it easy man, it's all gonna pan out. You don't even gotta be the soul leader, I mean, everyone already looks up to you, man! They're already looking to you for guidance. I mean, even Trent, despite your fight this morning, told me he’s got mad respect for you man, he thinks you're a bonafide badass.”

“Trent said that?”

“Hell yeah, man. Would I lie to you?”

“Nah, of course not. Thanks man.” I said, breathing deeply. 

“Ok. But I can't keep giving you pep talks before every show. You're gonna have to find a way to give yourself pep talks, from now on. you know, you just gotta summon your true rock n roll persona, of power, presence and confidence, and let it ooze down to the rest of your life. You're such a close man, I can feel it, remember what I always told you, you just gotta lie to yourself, until It's a lie anymore.”

I processed his wise words, really letting me sink in. I let them sink in perhaps more than I realized at the time. I sat back and sighed through the smoke plumes of a joint I found on the floor. 

“You think maybe we should have showered?” I asked  

“You didn't shower. Again?” 

Suddenly, the doorbell rang, before Kev could answer. They just kept ringing it over and over. It sounded like a fire alarm. Agh! Man I said we were in the garage not the house, No! fuck, mom and Kent dont know their comming?

“Stop ringing the goddamn door bell, I told you, I dont wanna buy your stupid girl scout cookies! How the fuck am I sopposed to study with all this racket!?” Kent hollered, as we could hear him unlocking the front door. We burst out of the garage just when the rain started coming down. Kevin glared, rolling his eyes and returning inside. Trent, Lenny, and Beans dashed under the Garage roof, depravity hiding their Instruments from the impending deluge. 

“Guys in here!” I yelled, sticking my head out from under the garage. 

“Hurry!” Kevin shrieked as the deluge quickly started crashing down. 

Everyone shuffled in, looking around the garage at the second hand Amps, and band equipment lying around next to old car parts and boxes upon boxes of dusty christmas decorations. I looked at Kevin, for assurance as he tossed his Getair over his shoulder, waiting for me to lead. Lenny and Beans immediately set up their drums and keyboard, feeling cramped due to the enclosed stuffy garage having barely enough square feet for the microphones. I still had not told them our garage isnt sound proof, nor is our house, oh fuck it, Kent could piss off to the libabry for all I care. As far as I was considered, tonight, the house was ours. Everyone was in formation, so I finished tuning my electric Guitar, and adjusting my Mic stand. I suddenly snapped into action, shedding all my juvenile insecurities. I turned to face my band, looking as ready as they did clueless. In an instant, I assumed the mantle of a take action, larger than life, no shits, no quits, in the flesh, for real, live on mtv, bonafide Rock God, a real Mick Jagger type. 

“Ok guys, here it is! fresh off the presses! Man, I know You guys are all musical prodigies, no doubt. So then this should be a piece of cake.” I said handing out sheets of music, and lyrics. They all quickly skimmed the compositions of our new song, scanning it with looks of suspension and excitement, nodding their heads along to the melody. 

This song was the shit, man, I hadn't even shown it to Kevin yet. I couldn't wait to sing this tune, oh baby, it was a new breed of badass.  Trent, who was chewing gum looking aggressively professional, plucked out the bassline at light speed. Trent effortlessly plucked his Duff McKagan Deluxe, the same Bass as Guns n’ Roses rocked in Appetite for Destruction.  Kevin wasn't kidding that Trend means business. I spoke up as he stuck his Bubble gum to the underside of his boot, a trick he spoke of too “maintain his power stance.” He looked at me.

“Ugh, Lester I gotta admit man, this is some decent shit to start with, but I just got one question?” Trent asked, looking me dead in the soul.

“Yeah, man?” 

“Whyyyyyy the fuck…do you gotta say Rock n’ Roll so many god danm times, man!? It loses all Meaning?”

“What-WHAT KIND OF A QUESTION IS THAT, MAN!? why-w-why-w-why?-because it sounds incredible, man! THAT'S WHY?”

“It sounds tacky. Like why talk so much of what you're doing, as you're doing it! I mean, when I'm banging your mom I don't say “Aww Im banging your mom right now, Ms. Fatt, ohhh yeah, you like that im saving sex with you right now, ohhhh yeah, right this second-”

“Nasty!” Lenny croaked, as Kevin sighed and facepalmed. 

“Ok I get it, don't talk about our mom that way! Anyway she’s too fucking stiff to be a slut. But You know, ACDC does it all the time! I mean half their biggest hits have rock in roll in the title and the chorus!?”

“Dude! Are you seriously comparing us…to ACDC?”

“No-no, but-” Hold on, this is my band. You know maybe writing rock songs about rock n roll is Tacky, or not cool enough for Trent. But, he’s just gonna have to suck it up man, he may be the coolest guy I've ever met but he’s gonna have to learn to love my lyrics. If he can't write better songs maybe we can play them, but we gotta go through one rehearsal first! Besides, ask Kevin, Anything sounds badass, when I sing it. 

“Alright! Rock n roll on rye-take one!”

“Ok, Spielberg” Trent muttered under his breath, rolling his eyes and preparing his fingers on the baseline, turning his pick between his ringed fingers like a key. Kevin nodded at me, smiling as I took my place standing beside him. I grabbed the shaft of my microphone. I tapped the mic’s tip, testing-testing-making sure the sound was hooked up right. 

“1-2-3-4! Ow!” I Yelled as everyone began to play.

 

Beans came in first with the rhythm, I let the tingle of the perfect vibrations of his sticks hitting the center drum, and his feet bounding the kick drum at the perfect beat, like a heartbeat the pounding flowed through the condensed air, tickling my inner ear hairs, and sending a sizzling shiver down my spine. Then Trent came in with the bass first, as it started to build. His stance was so confident and menacing, as he began banging his head to the riff, his long slimy hair spun around like a propeller. His baseline seemed to pulse through the floor, through the earth, like an earthquake in L.A. I wrote the Baseline riff just for him every since I met him and Kevin played me some of his Old Demos, It sounded quite similar to one of my favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Riffs, the first one I ever Heard Flea play, back when the Peppers still performed butt naked, with nothing but gym socks, clinging on desperately to their cocks. 

That riff was one of many sexual awakenings, just hearing it turns me into a cat in heat. Did I write that for part of Trent's purpose? You decide. 

What can I say, Bassists, can't live with em, can't live without em. Then Lenny came in with the subtle Keys that I based off Elton John's keyboard solo in Get it on (bang a gong) by Mark Bolan (that I was listening too last night on Flat earther hill, since it’s the kind of song I would screw if it was a person) Then at last Kevin came in with that sickening guitar riff beside me, making the sound so full and overwhelmingly epic with that reverb and the way Kevin’s face grimaced and Winced as he played that earth-shattering riff on his six string, he looked like he was getting head from Molly Ringwall, I call that “Mind-Guitar face”

 Then Finally, I came in clearing my throat and summoning the powers of the rock gods coursing through my veins, on the front lines of Life it’s my duty to rock. Ignoring the fact we were undoubtedly waking the whole suburb, I tapped my foot and wiggled my hips to the beat, I could not groove if I tried. 

I let my own Guitar swing beneath my waist, waiting under there until my epic, glass shattering, life altering guitar solo comes in after the second chorus. 

Then, I sang.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Crazy mama!

Yo Taken too long, with my fries!

Hey, Hey! darling mama! 

I can't go Hungry, all my life!

oh nooo, Oh nooooo, not here!

“Ok now this is when you guys come in with the backing vocals-”

“What? But That's a girl's job?” Lenny whined

“Lenny shut up! I know you can sing in Falsetto! Just like you do every time you Mock ms. Murphrey…”

“Ha, pooooooooint takeeeeeeen'' Lenny jokingly sang in his high pitched falsetto shrill, causing Beans to hit that (ba-dum-ch) Punchline drum effect. Causing everyone to laugh except Trent, who rolled his eyes so far back they grazed his brain.

“Ok so when I sing-Oh no not here, you guys can come in on backup with that higher octave, not hereeee! Got it? Alright. 1-2-3”

Oh nooooo, I ain't gonna do it babe! Not here

*not here*

“Nice!” 

ain't gonna do it, baby, not now.

*not now”

“Perfect!”

Ohhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhh! 

you know I’m only here for you

but I got better things to do

Better things, then pay your tips

and eat your chips, 

but never get nothin from you!

Cuz you know what I'm craving!

baby, I will not be denied

What i'm really needing

Will make me safetied!

Now I ain't talking bout no Cheesecake

Don't want no American pie

Take my order baby 

for a little bit of that–

Rock n roll on ryeeeeeee!

Oh mama! Did you get that?

A little bit of rock n roll on rye!

1. 

With big rock n roll cola! 

and a groovy salad on the side

“Key change”

“Ugh! You don't have to say key change!’ Trent hollered above the din

rock n roll on rye!

ROCK N ROLL ON RYEEE!

There's no other kind of lunch 

that can make me come alive!

rock n roll on rye

Was Rock n rollin’ from the start!

If you wanna fill my stomach baby

Oh! It's the key to my heart!

If you want me, after your shift!

Don't bring me that Rye to go, baby

Or I won't give you any tips!

I wish you’d shake those hips!

Ow! You keep biting your lips!

If you come on home with me

I’ll eat more than what you served me

God you don't deserve me

cuz I'm known for always doing what's right

Oh baby! You got me working up an appetite

You got me on top of the world

yet i'm still gettin high

maybe you can feed me a little more-

of that, rock n roll on ryeeeeeee

Time for my guitar solo! I didn't say out loud as I played the solo I’d written to play right before a stage dive and right after an orgasim. 

I fell to my knees, overwhelmed by the guitar's awesome, holy power. So I began playing on my knees as if I was on stage right now, and the crazed coked up fans would be foaming at the mouth for me, my perfect thighs, my love of the environment, my religious significance, shimmering clean butt cheeks that they are vividly imagining, just oozing sex appeal like chernobyl, having the whole crowd just absolutely worshiping me on my stage, my altar where everything else falls away and turns to background noise. 

I closed my eyes, suddenly the garage faded to black, and it was all real. I was face to face with the largest audience I’d ever seen, changing my name for miles and miles, so loud the penguins could have heard it in Antarctica. My Guitar solo lasted 10 long, untouchable spiritually invisible minutes. I did stage dive, thinking they would drop me and I’d break my bones and be as humiliated as I expected. but no, they all caught me and floated me down the ocean of bodies, cheering and laughing with incandescent euphoria. A thousand hands carrying me, embracing me, elvading me proving I am the one, worthy of paying a obscene amount of money for tickets to see with their friends for one night that hopefully won't end in them being trampled by fans or getting high and lost in the parking lot.

For a brief moment, I was truly on top of the world. At the peak of existence. Which for me was the quintessential rock god dream most lust for but don't understand, the complete pinnacle of the human experience, the hall of fame of dreams. Right at this very moment I was grazing the clouds at the precipice of Babylon’s tower, as close as one man could ever be to the gods, closer  than any church anyway. For a brief moment, I was who I was always meant to be. Until, It was over, I quickly snapped back to reality, practicing in the garage. I step up from my knees, cracking my aching back as the weight of the guitar bore down on my flabby shoulders. I always forget it’s heavier than you’d think. Everyone zoned out of their musical haze, briefly clapped and congratulated each other since to my shock, everyone un-ironically…loved the song, after it all came together, and we all played it, as it was meant to be played. We all meshed together seamlessly, to my shock it was like we were all put on this earth to meet, and to grace the world with our gift of rock.

Even Trent seemed genuinely non-patronizingly impressed, which I definitely didn't see coming. 

“Not bad, man, not bad at all.” Trent said, looking down at me. He looked at me for the first time, like I was his equal. My heart stopped at his approval, I would do anything to earn it.  We all laughed, hugged and high five to rejoice.

“The Great work begins' ' Kevin said, throwing his arms around me and Lenny, with a shit eating grin smeared across his face. 

“Ok, from the top!” I said, aggressively jumping back into formation. I intensely snatched my mic like the latter of a sinking vessel, and we started from the top. We played the song over, and over again for hours, working out every kink, till it was a record deal worthy. We eventually had time to rehearse a song Kevin had written with me, Rock n Roll Zombie. Witch Trent and Lenny said it was going to be our breakout hit, no doubt. For first rehearsals, it went about as well as it could have. Honestly I was expecting way more bickering, off key playing and storm outs. But no, we played like a well oiled rock n roll assembly line, almost as if we’d been playing together for ages. That's wild.

Man, that night was pure gold, Pure unadulterated, rock solid, priceless gold! We played into the ungodly hours of the night, no doubt giving Kent a crash course in real music and payback for all the nights he kicked me to the curb, acting as if he owned the house, and the world. It was all starting to come together. Trent and I even got to talking one on one, with the wink (unspoken blessing) from Kevin across the room. Mostly we talked about his dog, Lupus, and how cute she is. Since Trent still had to dip soon to feed her and prepare to take her to the vet tomorrow. Trent was such a responsible guy, he was so adult, just like Kevin. He always told me good role models make great lovers, as if he would know, all the girls he ever dated were spoiled brats. In between takes, I tried desperately to impress Trent by telling him about my past bands, and how I got exorcisms as a kid, witch he thought was funny and that I was “not as insufferable as he thought'' I couldn't help but blush, but hid it well by holding my breath, to show, implicitly, how long I could last in bed without coming up for air. I could tell Trent was taking notes, and was insanely impressed with my skills. I could hold this all day, air is for pussies, I’m a premier rock n roll vocalist, breath control is like, my middle name. I can do this, I-

“You ok there, man?” I gasped, coughing, grasping at my tender throat.

“Yeah! I'm, *Cough* Incredible man! I'm totally thriving right now-”

“Uh huh.” Trent said, sarcastically.

“Wow, I’m beat! W’eve been playing songs all night, man!”

“Well that's what Bands do Lenny! Play songs!?”

“Hey L-L-Lester is this like a J-John and M-M-Mccartney situation, W-w-where you write all the songs with Kevin, and we perform them?”

“Yeah Beans, something like that, but remember this band is democratic! So later on, if any of you guys want to pen your own tracks, just say so.” Kevin preached, like the people pleaser he is. 

“Yeah but, hold on, but they can't be like…lame. If you're going to write songs, they have to match the raw animal magnetism that Bad Decisions is known for, and embody the badass rock n roll identity of the band!?” I said, with my signature stubborn blind gatekeeping passion. Someone had to be the gatekeeper around here.

“Um, what identity? This is our first Rehearsal dude, Bad Decisions doesn't have an Identity, hell, we don't even have a manager!” Trent argued.

“Look, we do have an Identity, it's…rock n roll.” I said

“Man, I know thats your favorite word, but what the flying fuck does that even mean? Rock n roll is so vast, man, how can we just BE rock n roll? That's like saying I am Jesus Christ, every time I go to church?” 

“Look! Guys we're all just starting out, we’ll come into our own with time. Lester, seriously, be realistic, do you seriously think The Chili peppers just came out of the womb knowing exactly who they are as a band? I mean, really”

“Kevin! Your right bro, as per usual. But the point is, guys, if your gonna write songs, whatever you do, just make sure they fuck shit up. Make sure they break all the rules, songs that are loud and know what they are, ones you can't help but start the revolution when playing. Ok?”

“Hell yeah!” Said Trent, quickly coming around. Giving me a strong pat on the lower back, the intentions of which I suddenly began to read heavily into.

“Eye Eye captain!” Lenny crowed

“I-I already have an I–I-Idea for the p-perfect song! Its c-called “Agents of hell and the slave harems of hippolyta being tortured and turned out on the beaches of the Black Sea under the total eclipse before the fall of Athens and the dawn of the age of Desecration.” Beans rapidly spewed. Ah, Beans sometimes, when he decides to speak, we get a quick glimpse at the infinite madness going on in his strange little world. When he said the title, he didn't even stutter, man, that's how you know he means business.

“Wow, I love the name. It’s a little long-” Kevin said.

“I think it’s just the right Length” I said, suggestively, glancing at Trent, who didn't even notice.

“Ok! Go and Write it, man, I bet it will…bring the house down!” Kevin said, patting beans on the back. Suddenly just as things were reaching peak perfection levels, we were all interrupted by the loud, blaring honk of Dad’s ol’ Hummer,home from work, ready to wail, and reclaim his precious Garage. Yelling at the top of his grizzled, smoke filled lungs for us to get the hell out of his house. He was the man afterall, It was his house, he paid rent and ruled over the family with an iron fist, so what he said goes. Even if it’s bullshit. I was anticipating his return this whole night, and it was still too soon.

“Ah Fuck!” I said

“WHY THE FUCK IS THE LIGHT ON IN MY WORKSHOP! WHERE IS THAT GOD DAMN MUSIC COMING FROM, I COULD HEAR IT ALL THE WAY FROM HUSTON STREET!!!??? GET THESE MOTHER FUCKING KIDS  THE HELL OFF MY PROPERTY!!! BEFORE I CALL THE COPS!” 

I rolled up the Garage door, to face my dad sweaty and melting out of his tight, stained wife beater. He looked at all of us, about to rage, seemingly about to reach for his shotgun in the open trunk. Out of fear Trent, Lenny, and Beans all grabbed their instruments frantically and booked it, as far away as their feet could take them. Dad glared right at me, that look of sheer dispoptiment and contempt he always has on his face when I'm around. He also galred at Kevin.

“Kevin, take your brother inside. And clean up all these Damn wires!”

“Yes, sir '' Kevin robotically said, hanging his head in shame and compliance. We quickly cleaned up the band set up in the garage, including all of Trents leftover Cigarette butts. Kevin then abruptly turned to head inside with his arms tightly hugging my shoulders close to his chest. He opened the door to the kitchen, shuffling inside when my dad spoke, demanding he face him. As he lugged in all his car parts in need of repair to the pille, taking up the full garage now. As we dragged all the guitars and Mics inside, into our rooms.

“I'm very disappointed in you Kevin, you know better. And boys, if either of you ever step foot in my garage ever again without permission, you're both grounded. Kevin, you should be studying, you need to stop ignoring him, he’s going to drag you down son, you have to stop enabling his silly, self destructive little hobbies, You know better. your priority is-”

“To get into Harvard I know, I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again.” Kevin resigned himself to saying, hanging his head in shame, refusing to make eye contact, with dads beady bulging eyes, that I'm still convinced to shoot lasers and kill babies. We both Ran inside, I wasn't even phased by dads comments about me he said right in front of me, as it's an everyday occurrence, my reality. Always Reminded of my place in the world. He was gonna beat one of us tonight, I could feel it. 

“Good, now get inside, get ready for bed, it's a school night. Make sure Lester doesn't sleep on the couch again, he’s still got his own bed, for now!”

“Yes, sir.” Kevin said Defeated. He turned to me when we were brushing our teeth. After he spit,he tried to consult me, just like he does every night.

“I’m sorry, I’m such a coward man-I want to stand up for you, but dad he’s just the boss right now, he’s got my balls in a vice!? I wish I could. But I just can't do anything to stop him without him jeopardizing our future!”

“What is your future, man.?”

“Yeah…but You know, he’s already peeved I dont treat you as horribly as Kent and Mom do. You understand right?”

“It’s fine man, I get it. It’s a dog eat cat world. You're just kissing the right access to survive. I tell you every time, don't wig out over it man. I can take care of myself man, it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not fine!? He can't keep treating you like this, I’m gonna have a very strongly worded conversation with him about it tomorrow.” 

“No you're not.”

“You're right, Tomorrow’s the big game, he’ll be all over me.”

“You dont have to risk your neck man, I dont want you fucking up your dainty little hands, you need em to play Gutair.” I said, smiling, throwing the toothpaste, and tooth brush somewhere in the sink without looking. We both tiptoed out of the bathroom down the hallway to our rooms, we walked past Kent’s room, seeing him fast asleep, hugging his textbook like a teddy bear. I then heard a familiar sound, dad slinging his special belt against the closest door, proceeding to whip it against the wall, warming it up. We both flinched as the whip cracked.

“Oh, It’s one of those nights, then?” I said, Kevin looking at me with that same sad droopy Picasso face, he always does when he hears the snap of that belt, he knows what It means. Kevin knows, all too well, he’s not the one who takes it. He knows I’m the only one dad wails on.

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a whispery tone, holding back a few tears. I put my hand on his shoulder and gave him my extra pear of sound blocking ear plugs. He lost his old pair, he used to…sleep on nights like this. He went into his room and shut the door.

“Lester! Come here, now!” Dad bellowed. I followed him into his bedroom, in my shitty hand me down pajamas, always one size too small. So he forced me to rip them off, and bent me over the bed, like always, I braced myself for the first lash.

 

I’ll spare you the details of what he did to me. Anyway, you're Smart, you could probably figure it out. But either way that night I went to sleep rubbing my sore butt, and did not end up getting a wink of shut eye due for a wide range of reasons. One of which being my current attempt to get wasted, as dad was a professional mean drunk, he sometimes pretended not to notice if I stole his beer, it numbed the pain you know. He was already expecting me to be an alcoholic, like father like son I guess. It’s very rock n roll to get wasted on a Monday night, most of my idols are perpetually drunk, high, or in the throes of the latest trendy sex act, so If our band was gonna go far, I had to play the part, more than ever. You know, I should write a song about it, so I started too.

That night, I wrote our latest rock hit “Beating on America’s Ass” A political power ballad about the cold war, and a metaphor for…whatever you want, man! I could hear Kevin snoring in the room next door, sound asleep. But my ears perked up when I overheard Dad and Mom talking in the kitchen, quite loudly in fact. So I leaned against the wall and pressed my ear to it to properly eavesdrop.

“ You know, sometimes I wonder if it would be Illegal to put him up for adoption, I’ve looked into it. It turns out it’s very much not, in the state of New jersey.” the words made their way out of my father’s grizzled mouth, and traveled effortlessly into my ears.

“You know we’ve tried everything! Everything! He’s beyond help, dear, it’s been clear for years now. I mean, he’s never gonna be like Kent or Kevin, and actually have a chance to survive on his own in this world. He’s never gonna make an honest living, make us an honest wage, marry a nice girl and be a productive member of society!? He’s just not cut out for it. You can’t beat it out of him, trust me I've tried.”

“Yes, but Kevin throws away half his own potential to fucking baby him. Honey, Kevin could have the same GPA, and early access as Kent if he simply spent less time helping Lester with his assninne rock music, and spent more time studying. He’s a bright young man you know, with so much potential I hate to see him throw it away on his brother who will only hold him back.”

“Burt, dear, What are we going to do with him? We can't lie to the ladies at the pallor, and the mechanics union forever? A few already know we have more than two sons. We can't simply carry on this way. Keeping him is not God's plan”

“This is your fault, Honey, why after god blessed you with two beautiful, healthy children you had to beg for a third? You got greedy! Greed is the worst sin of all, and Lester was god's punishment for your gluttonous desire! Plus you know we can barely afford to feed ourselves, let alone the three teenage boys we have gobbling up everything in sight! Especially Lester, the fat little piggy. I can hardly look at him without throwing up inside my mouth.”

“Florence, baby i'm sorry alright, I thought the more sons the merrier, Kent was our miracle child, I didn't realize the third one would have been marked by the Devil!? How could I possibly have known that? Be fair dear-”

“It was the holy trinity Burt! Three babies, father, son, and holy ghost, that was the plan!’

“WELL THREE’S NOT ALWAYS A LUCKY NUMBER, NOW IS IT!? Also what the hell does that even mean baby! Are you saying Lester is meant to be the holy Ghost? Because God could not be further away from that boy. You know when I was just spanking him for taking over the garage, he… Liked it? Like some hellish Kinky, sadistic filth! Moaning, and crying out in pleasure? AGH! Honey I always told you that boy was a faggot. Now I have proof!”

“I don't know dear, I just hope we figure out what to do with him, before the courts the other boys. Now we have to focus all our attention on the two of them. Kent has a Harvard tour next week and Kevin’s got his big game tomorrow, you know coach says this year he might have a chance at state. They make us so proud and Lester…just can't do a goddamn thing right. I mean, it breaks my heart that I could even produce such a child.”

“Well, no matter, I don't think he’ll live past 16 anyhow” 

“It’s such a tragedy, Burt. I can hardly sleep at night, the pain is just too much for a woman like me to bear. The only thing that comforts me anymore is knowing I won't have to put up with it all much longer. Thankfully, he won't last very long. I don't believe his kind ever does.”

“Oh Honey by the way, did you get a fax to pick him up from school today? he was sent to the principal's office again, something about vandalism and us paying the maintenance fees?”

“Ah yes, sorry I couldn't pick him up today dear, my Bible study group was swamped.”

“Yes, it’s not your job honey, you can tell that principle of his were not paying one red cent, he can get a real job and pay the damages himself! Oh honey, he’s been out of control tonight, with that god awful band of his, maybe I should hide the liquor in case he gets into it again.”

“Perhaps, but then I fear you’ll forget where it is by morning”

“Ha! You know me too well, Sweet Cheeks. Ok good night. We’ll figure out the whole Lester Situation tomorrow, ok? Sweet dreams.” 

I sunk back in my bed, having heard it all. Now, I don't know why but it was finally getting to me, and I started to have no choice but to acknowledge my….un rock n roll emotions.

Now I right now you think i'm a pussy, everyone's parents hate them right? Childhood trauma is a necessary ingredient for the rock star’s formative tragic backstory but…I just couldn't hold back anymore man, I let it rip, I opened the floodgates, and the tears started flowing, and they just wouldn't stop. 

I don't know why now? Maybe it’s because it was late, my butt was just sore, and the alcohol was hitting hard, maybe it was the fact that I had not slept, or eaten a good meal, or showered, or caught a break all week!? whatever it was, right then and there it all became too much and I broke down in tears, smothering my face in my lint covered, wrinkled pillow to muffle the sound of my crying, so my parents couldn't hear that I was still awake, and crying like a weak babyman. Like most things, I'm a very loud crier. I smeared my sleeve with Snot, and felt my face turn red.

It’s just not Fair, man! Life, It's just a one hit wonder man, you have one hit on the radio for a few weeks, for if you're lucky. But sometimes you never even get that, you just fizzle out, into obscurity, to the bottom of a used record pile on the side of the road. That night was the turning point, as I cried myself to sleep, I vowed I would dedicate myself for the rest of my life, to rock n roll, and to ascend to my rock god destiny despite the odds. I would rather die, then never prove my parents and anyone who’s ever doubted me, dead wrong.  I have to keep telling myself this, but I know it’s my fate, I'm going to rise out of this life into my rightful rock n roll throne, Bad Decisions is going to be the biggest band the world's ever seen. I’m going to be infamous, sweaty and Forbes-rich enough to buy the State of New Jersey and rename it Suck-ass-vile!  Kevin was right, I’m not a failure. But even if I was, It it would’nt matter, when I just lie about…being the most successful, productive, impressive, rich, hot, secure, revered, beloved mother fucking human on the face of the earth! Kevin always knows what’s best, one day I’ll learn to lie as well as him. No matter who comes in my way, man, I’ll always have Kevin, no matter what, we’ll always be together, and one day, I will make him proud. Mark my words, man, you're going to be seeing a lot of me, real soon. I’m going to be the cat’s pajamas, man, the cover of Just you wait, you’ll see. Kevin will get his “I told you so” moment to all my haters soon enough. This is it, man, it’s all gonna finally come together. And that, my friend, is no lie.  

Chapter Four

Shoot to Thrill

June 1987.

Junior Year.

The next few years went by movie montage-fast, but boy did a lot of shit go down. Here’s the skinny, Bad Decisions had a roller coaster of fame and failure and we haven't even graduated yet. Lenny’s uncle Frosty decided to give us some coveted studio time after an amateur recording of our first demo tape. First recording in my closet (how ironic) so we actually recorded our first album last year, we argued a lot about the title, but settled on the very marketable name: “full spread” We had so many new rockin tracks, like “Cheeky”, “Golden boy”, “Jersey girls” and the title track, “full spread.” 

we even re-recorded the songs back from our earliest rehearsals in 85’, like “rock n roll on rye”and the song I wrote for Kevin, that night dad had his way with me after our first rehearsal, I called that song “Brother in arms'' unlike the rest of the songs, it’s an emotional, toned down acoustic rock ballad to give the full albums lineup versatility, and legitimacy. Also, of all, people, Kevin deserves a tribute. Our record cover was a pair of floating Butt cheeks in space, surrounded by spaceships and supernovas, with the words ``Full Spread '' tattooed on either butt cheek.

 

In an eye-catching way that would make any teenage boy or grown man stop not being able to resist plucking it off the record store shelves. Lenny even convinced uncle frosty to shop our album around his capitol record buddies, around the same time he was being promoted. He was trying to get us a manager, and even a record deal, saying “for a high school band, you kids have REAL industry potential” We might not have broken in so soon if it wasn't for him. Some call it Nepotism, I call it divine intervention. 

I mean, it doesn't get much higher than Capital Records, even the shitty New Jersey Division that Frosty works under now.  He’s fallen so far from grace, he used to work in LA, Legend has it, he discovered Poison. But like most good Music Executives, we know his loyalty lies with his bottom line, not a random scruffy high school band. But, he was our golden ticket. I spent all Summer crossing my fingers and praying with Lenny, frosty would get us our big break. I even started going to church again, to pray, I never had a reason to do that before. Even in the limbo waiting for Frosty’s good news, he still kept us busy, with local gigs, highschool dances, bar mitzvah, NASCAR races, and Music festivals. It was the heyday of hair metal, everyone wanted to be the next Motley Crue, so he even had us experiment with our sound, and formed our full brand as a rock band. As an industry veteran he let us in on all his little backstage secrets. It was some juicy shit man, that you wouldn't believe! 

We had our highs and Lows, like any burging band just starting out. Like the time we all got drunk the night before a show and I just burped the entire chorus. or the time Kevin had to go take the SAT and we hired a 40 year old replacement drummer who couldn’t play for shit and kept stealing my drugs, or that time we played at Kent’s latest girlfriend’s Conformation, and played our latest track “Satan's abortion” with full on proteomics and satanic stage effets we couldn't afford, that suffice to say, was not appreciated by the church. We got the priest defrocked for nodding along to the chorus. But we were not some joke anymore, we had played every local venue in all of Ewing.

 

By this point, we had even amassed a mild, homegrown fanbase, that is very good…not showing up, but we love em, all 5 of them…High school dropouts who work at Camelot. We have really been refining our style too over the years we’ve gone through several, but right now, we're really into this whole Leather, Bsdm, Faux-prison guard, biker gang aesthetic we got going on. We all Even some nasty pricing, and new outrageous hairdos to boot! Everyone grew out their full mop for the occasion. 

Even straight laced golden boy-Kevin let his hair grow, in all the right directions. I mean, they don't call it hair metal for nothing. I’m not a teenage dirtbag anymore though, I'm a man now. I even have the stubble and BO to prove it. Still fat, but with a few choice muscles to balance it out. And I did lose some weight, so now I’m just sexy chubby not chubby-chubby, at least that’s what Kevin’s said. You know rocking is great cardio, you break even more sweat making then just going for a morning job, that’s secretly just to go buy drugs in riverside. I’ve been burping so many calories, making sweet love to a new pair of legs backstage every night.

Speaking of witches. 

It’s true you know being in a rock band makes you golden fruit to the ladies, but for me, it never quite worked out that way. Man, shit is never as simple as it in rock songs, huh? So,ever since Kent frolicked off Harvard last year, Mom, and dad have been especially brutal on Kevin. Recently, They have been constantly reminding him what will happen to him if he doesn't get in as well, and the whole American dream-bullshit spiel they burden him with every time. Juggling the band, School, football, and our parents bearing down on him with the most unrealistic expectations since people expecting Reagan to keep any of his campaign promises. It’s started to take a real toll on him, worse than ever. But, man, he never shows it, he always has a smile on his face, he just takes it all in stride. He shoulnt have the world on his shoulders, I sometimes worry he’ll get pushed too far and we’ll all lose him, what a massive loss it would be. I MEAN, HAVE WE NOT LEARNED FROM JIMI!! THE WORLD SHOULD NOT HAVE GO ON DEPRIVED OF HIS HIM AND HIS GETAIR! and boy could he play guitar. But Despite it all, he really is the glue keeping all us desperate maniacs together, the voice of reason every band needs. But up until this year he was still as singular as his talent, a virgin in stud’s clothing. A genius in everything but the way of the opposite sex, a class most men never pass. To be fair, he was FAR to busy, for love, he barely had time to shave or cut his nails. Kevin was a neat freak, too, so you know now he was stretched thinner than my patience. 

BUT! In spite of all that, Kevin, (my man!) still managed to get a girlfriend. Yes I know, It’s pretty boy Kevin were talking about, it was inevitable wasn't it? But after years of him hearing my award winning dating advice, about confidence and being in a band, he FINALLY took it to heart. He met her after one of our best show’s, at Suburban Square, they hit it off right away. The second I saw them backstage, I knew she was perfect for him. 

 

The Nacy to his Sid, the Yoko to his Jhon, it was so clear, I've never seen anyone, let alone any chick make him smile like that before.  He laughed at everything she said even when she wasn't even talking. She was a punk, I could tell she on the methadone and the concert circuit, could clock an ex. Groupie a mile away. She had a spikey, black Joan Jett sort of do. Bone thin, wearing a skimpy red tube top, under a thick oversized leather jacket, adorned with pins and patches from every famous Tour you could think of. She wore a skimpy short jean skirt barely covering up her visible playboy lace panties, complete with a set of legs (Incredible right?) covered in torn fishnet tights and massive platform highleels. She had an art gallery of Tattoos, including one on the upper tit that read “Hitler: playing Poland's world tour. 1989-1945” A joke so racy, and intellectually laced, Kevin couldn't look away, from her tits that is. Hey, even though I'm a vegan, I can appreciate a great rack, you know my brother has the best taste. Her name was Roxane Mooney,and she was on another level. What are the odds? She was also applying to Harvard and was going there to study Music History and theory. She could also play the flute, tuba, and harp. I mean he struck gold, a punk rock chick with a brain, I mean, come on! It’s like she was custom-made for Kevin, and she was great for him too, boosted his confidence, helped him really focus on himself for once, and finally be able to stand up to our parents for me and his own dignity! 

1. 

They started to fight, no more was Kevin their little docile, obedient golden retriever, no he was a man now, and he told them ecstasy where to stick it. After years of both of us taking their crap, his outbursts were nothing short of cathartic. So, naturally our parents hate her, and tried and failed to keep Kevin from her. Obviously ever since last summer, she’s been spending a lot of time with the band, and with Kevin, all hours of the day. So naturally, Kev started to spend so much time with her, I must admit, and I’m not jealous . After almost a full year of him and Roxy being attached at the hip, spending all their time together, I started to feel a little left out. 

1. 

Now, I'm happy for Kev’ he deserved everything good in this world, and Roxy was perfect for him, in every way. But, we used to spend every day together, especially with the band we rehearsed and played together every night. Despite Kevin studying round the clock, he always found time for me, all those pep talks, band prep, and getting into all kinds of hijinks. But now it’s ALL Kev’ and Roxy, it’s Bad decisions and Roxy, and everyone else just fades into their rearview. I hate to say it, but I was jealous. 

 

 I mean that’s life but, soon I realized it wasn't Kevin and Roxy that were killing my rock n roll mojo, deflating my ballin bonner, and taking me out of my success climb, and reminding me how shitty I used to feel before I got famous. 

“You're not famous!” corrected the voices in my head.

Anyway I realized that seeing Kev’ so girl crazy and lovesick all the time now, as well as realizing the disconnect between the dream of rock n roll getting you loved and laid automatically and the reality that, for me, man, boy it is not working out that way.  I mean by now everyone in the band has side chicks and girlfriends. We are not nearly famous enough to have roadies or groupies but any chicks that come see our show, I mean Trent has a set of girls around his arms every night, and he’s not shy about it either! Lenny and Beans have been going steady with a pair of twins, and I still have my doubts that they're both 100% hetero, that’s neither here nor there. They're all getting just as much action as Tom Cruise, and for me? The lead singer? 

Zilch

You know, I’m not even surprised, it’s pretty clear why. I’m gay, in 1987, in high school, in New Jersey! That, right there, sticks a wrench in any plans of achieving the full scope of the Rock n’ roll experience. If you really think about it, the amount of things preventing me from getting laid is basically endless. 

My duty is to uphold my new found position as a sex symbol and rock n roll god capable of giving everyone in the audience a massive life changing Bonner by singing the right note. I don't have the same love clock as any of them, including my brother who dissipated being with Roxanne for a full trip around the sun. He still hasn't popped that cherry, what Is he waiting for, you know? I’ll never know. 

It’s so easy for my brothers, even if they're secretly lame as all hell, the girls just eat 'em up!? Like because being in the band makes everyone cool, and sexy (unless you suck like Warrant) but for real lovers, being in a Rock band can only take a guy so far. 

Girls always go to our shows, and throw themselves at the band. Even if their underage, not-groupies, elderly or there with their boyfriends, chicks will always get tramps steps of the lead singer’s name, or beg him to sign her tits. But Guys on the other hand, just don't want to get handsy at shows like that, they don't want to screw the band, they want to be them. Even the ones in full makeup, wearing platform heels and dressed like a bizarre female sex alien from a cinematic acid trip. They just never go full gay. Well, unless they're plastered that is, which they often are.Tonight we all were getting a well-earned break, to just veg out. 

Anyway, It was a quiet night, June 16th, 1987’. It also happened to be my birthday, which was of course forgotten by all, except Kevin and Roxy. I was finally 17, one year past dad’s estimate for my life span. Kevin picked up a pack of birthday Twinkies at the price club, and had served it to me and Roxy on the couch, in our little pointy birthday hats. He and Roxy sang the happy birthday song, in a kind of mock-loud Bad Decisions rock voice. Kevin was being so over the top, as he danced around me, screeching, smiling so hard his cheeks needed stitches, he was going so nuts, even I was cringing. 

  My brother presented the pink Twinkie-like diamonds to the queen on a small paper plate before me, with one bubble gum pink candle sticking out like a rusty nail. The flame flickered so bright, under my nose, I could feel the warmth and comfort within an inch of my nostrils. 

 

The fire felt more inviting than even my lit cigarettes. Dude, any closer, he’d burn us all to a crisp.

“Make a wish.” Kevin whispered 

I closed my eyes, and wished…for Bad Decisions to make it big. But I secretly wished to find somebody to love (like the Queen song.) I blew out the candle in an instant. Kevin and Roxy jumped on the lumpy couch beside me and cheered.

Who the fuck is even granting all these birthday wishes anyway? 

I took a bite, and wolfed down the entire Twinkie in one bite. I scarfed it down, like it was my first lick of sugar in centuries. I got it all over my face, almost choking on the damn thing. God, that’s some tasty smack, my brain turned to strawberry milkshakes, and cream pies dunked in Cherry soda, vodka, and maraschino cherries on the tongues of cupids wearing nothing but whip cream.

I don't care that everyone says I'm fat, I don't know why I deprived myself of this frosting-covered ecstasy for so long. Oh, god! My brain is drowning in dopamine.

“Woah there, buddy, slow down.”

“*berp* don't tell me what to do, man, I’ts my fucking birthday” I said, overcome with post Twinkie bliss.

“Okay, you're the boss.” Kevin conceded

“Damn right!”

“Soooo, Lester, can you believe the battle of the bands is only a week away?”

“Oh, believe it baby, I got it on my calendar right here.” They both laughed, as if I wasn't there.

“You know Roxy, I was thinking of kicking off our set, you should take your top off, it would really give us that extra edge.” Kevin punched me in the shoulder, and rolled his eyes, as Roxy got up, strutting into the kitchen. 

“Hey! Don't be a pain.” Kevin said, in that “I've heard it all before” tone.

“Babe, where ya goin?” 

“Just getting the Jiffy pop!” She said, winking at him, and skipping into the kitchen with the lights off, rummaging around our cupboard .

“Nice, babe, you're the best!” Kevin swooned

“Smooth.”

“Haha-shut up.”

“So, are we putin’ on the tube or what?” I asked, elbowing him

“Agh! Let me take a look.” Kevin sighed, peeling himself off the couch. The sun had set, the power had been touch and go all week, so the house was lit by dusty Ikea lamps lining the hallway and our living room, with a little moth always making his rounds.  Kevin bent down over the movie bin with his butt crack sticking out from his khakis, humming “Glory Days' ' as he rummaged through our VHS bin under the TV stand. We had to purge most of our family VHS collection when Kent moved out, all the remaining ones are all Kevin’s favorites, mostly new flicks that came out this year. Kevin had great taste in everything, especially movies.

“Let’s see…you wanna see Full Metal Jacket?”

“Nah, too real.”

“Fatal attraction?”

“Nah.”

“The Untouchables?”

“Hell no!!”

“Oh! What about Robocop! It’s one of your favorites!”

“Nah, not anymore. Cops are the real robots.”

“Ugh ok ... .how about….”Kevin rolled his eyes, prying deeper into the bin, running out of tapes. We could both hear the eruption of jiffy pop from the kitchen, popping like sparklers. Dude, you could hear if that shit was ready from Osaka. I could smell the buttery burntness, just colonizing my nostrils and brain. 

“Baby, do you still have the Princess Bride? It’s one of my favorites.” Roxy asked

“Yeah! We do, as a matter of fact! Awwwwwwww, we saw this on our first date. Let’s watch it! Come on, Lester, what do you say?”

“Uhhhhhhhhh, hard pass! The princess bride? That sounds pretty gay?”

“Come on, man, let Roxy pick the movie. Just for tonight?” Kevin gave me good eyes and puffed out his lower lip. He knew making a“pretty please” face would usually get me to cave. But not this time.

“Noooooo, it’s my birthday, man! I got to pick the movie!” I whined.

“Baby, it’s fine. Let the birthday boy choose. You know we can watch the Princess Bride anytime.” Roxy said, in her raspy southern twang. She flipped her mohawk and brought in two piping hot pans of jiffy pop, drenched in butter. 

“Fine. Ya big baby. So what are we watching then?” Kevin said, sitting criss-cross on my left, with Roxy rushing to shut off the lights, grab a blanket, before jumping to snuggle up on Kevin’s lap. 

“I know what we're watching.”

“What!?” Kevin and Roxy croaked in unison.

“Dressed to Kill.” 

“Ha! and you said Princess Bride was too gay.” Kevin jeered.

“You know, you both have a serious taste problem, I swear, I don’t know where you’d be without me” I said, stuffing a handful of piping hot Jiffy pop in Kevins govt to shut him up.

“Dressed to kill it is. ” Roxy declared, chipperly snatching the remote and smushing the correct VHS in, turning the volume all the way up. Stuffing her pierced face with popcorn as she leaned her half shaved head against Kevin’s shoulder. By now, they were both fully blanketed like a well-preserved cocoon. 

“Isn't it just the Silence of Lambs for drag queens and strippers?” Kevin mumbled, face full of Jiffy pop, as he snuggled up close to me and Roxy like he was scared already.

“Yeah, that’s exactly what it is, Harvard boy. Isn't it the best?” I said, as the opening credits started blaring. 

“Whatever you say, birthday man” Kevin turned on Dressed to Kill so we got comfy and snuggled in as the opening credits started.

Kevin doesnt even know the half of it, id dont like this movie, I love it. If I had hair like that, I’d probably start a murder spree as well. I mean, what are you meant to do when you're just too stunning for the confines of society as we know it? Men dressing as Women…is such a thing, you know? I bet I could do it better. I don't even think I can fully explain why I dig this movie, I just do, there's just something about it, that’s so fun and isn't afraid to really go there, you know.

The night went by seemingly in an instant. Roxy had fallen asleep on Kevin's shoulder. She was snoring so loud, I could hardly believe Kevin got any sleep next to her every night. Knowing Kevin, if he did, Sleep would still be the only thing they do in bed together, (Allegedly). Before we knew it, the movie was over, and the end credits started rolling. I turned to Kevin, who had already pulled out his SAT prep textbook and began furiously taking notes. He was almost never without his Textbook these days, even in the dark, he could still work with no issue, like some kind of Book smart Bioluminescent squid. 

“So, that was fast.” I whispered, nudging his Number 2. Pencil.

“I gotta memorize these terms, I got my Harvard entrance exam on Friday.”

“Yeah I know. Hey, she’s fast asleep, man.” 

“Yeah, she’s had a long day. I really like her, man, I think she’s the one.” Kevin said, running his fingers gently through her hair, smiling so earnestly at her, you’d think he was a greeting card. I just laid back, and sighed. Still stuffed with popcorn.

“Yeah, I’m so happy for you man. She’s really good for you man, since she showed up, you’ve been so much less of a pussy.”

“Yeah, man, She corrupted me. She doesn't let me take shit from anyone, not even from mom and dad, and I know how much you love that. Ha ha”

“Yeah it was about time too…”

“She's so in charge you know, we've been together for over a year, things haven’t been better since she started rolling with the band. She’s so supportive and involved it’s crazy. I mean, she is just so intense and wild, you know. Even after a year, I still can't believe a girl like her went for a guy like me.”

“I mean sometimes, opposites attract right?”

“Yeah that they are brothers, that they do. Hey your advice all these years, about confidence and how being in a band making you irresistible, really paid off. I gotta say man, you were right. I could’nt have landed a chick like this without you, man.”

“Pfft anytime. Just part of my usual wingman duties. It’s what I've been telling you man, confidence is key, this is just more hard proof that I’m always right.”

“Clearly!” 

“And by the way, I haven't even been a little, tiny, idbi bitty bit jealous you’ve been spending more time with her lately, hehehe. Like, not at all man, are you kidding!? You guys are perfect together, you’d have to be an asshole NOT to spend every minute with her! ha ha. You know, honestly the thought of jealousy never even crossed my mind.” I nervously spat

“Yeah, I get it man, shit’s been hard. Life, you know, it can be a trip, even without the acid. It happens to you all at once, It’s just so great to have found someone, to make it all better. Like really found someone, you know.”

“Sure, whatever man.” I whispered in a disaffected tone, sighing and looking away for ultimate dramatic effect. Of course, Kevin noticed my change in demeanor, and put his arm around my shoulder to comfort me. I didn't have to say a word, he clearly knew exactly what was going on. A brother knows.

“Hey…I got you a present.” God-damn it! He was too good to me.

“You got me a gift!?’ I yelled in shock, forgetting to whisper, as Kevin lovingly shushed and shook me, gesturing to his sleeping girlfriend beside us. Since this was the first time since I was born, when anyone actually bothered to celebrate my birthday. Even growing up, our folks would intentionally ignore it. They would always forbid Kevin from ever getting me a gift or even saying happy birthday in my general direction. So this year,Kev’ and Roxy throwing me this party tonight, the one day our parents are out, with a Twinkie, a movie, and now a real birthday gift, was almost too good to be true. an actual gift, wow. Now I was truly Spoiled rotten.

“Where is it?” I said, closing my eyes again, holding my open hands out.

“Heh, it’s right here.” Kevin said, earnestly. I opened my eyes. He pulled a single folded up sheet of looseleaf out from the pages of his textbook. He unfolded it slowly, revealing a list of names. He tentatively revealed the list to me, as my eyes widened. He pressed it to my chest, right on my beating heart, and just held it there. He looked at me, like he’d been planning every minute of this.

“W-w-what is it, man?” I said, still holding the paper to my chest, for some unknown reason, I felt unready to glance at it, already sensing this was no ordinary gift. 

“It’s a list of all the boys at our school who…could help you feel less alone.” He said, as I began to frantically scan the list, up and down in a frenzy. 

Holy shit. 

The list was titled “Every closeted attractive/ popular boy at Ewing High” aka the love list. There were dozens of boys listed, I recognized some of the names from the football team, the honors' society, one of these was the mayors' son?  Jesus, Kevin wasn’t joking when he said he knew ALL the closet cases at school!? This was breaking all kinds of laws against god, but Kevin did it anyway, for me? Man,my heart was off to the races with all the places my mind was going now

Best, birthday, gift, ever. 

This must have taken years to compile, and of course since this was Kevin the bookworm, it was organized in a painstakingly detailed spreadsheet. Beside each name was a chart, in each column they were categorized by “Attractiveness levels” (going on what he could only assume was my type, It’s just the Red Hot Chili Peppers, in case that wasn't obvious, and whatever Kevin figured gay guy’s might be into these days (Something even I have no clue about.)

 I can tell because all top 10 are on the football team with him. It was also categorized by their likeliness to come out soon, and how soon. Their respective level of their risk coming out, if they have a girlfriend already, how religious they are, how turned off they are by fatties, and how long they last in bed? All recorded in a complex numbers grading system. And oh, how could I forget!? On the very bottom there was a column measuring…how big their dicks are (How does Kevin even know this?? I’m guessing he started doing research in locker rooms. Wow, talk about dedication.) My eyes bulged as I held up the papper with trembling hands, I had no words this might be the most rock n roll thing he’s ever done.

“dude…Is this for real?” I wispered.

“You bet your ass it’s real, man.” Kevin said, barly containing his pride.

 

He turned off the movie and moved with me off the couch, letting Roxy sleep. We moved into my room, so we could scream like we're about to. We both carelessly slammed the door, and started to squeak, and historically laugh and jump up and down like a couple of hicks who just won the lottery.

“...But…wait. How, how did you know about all those guys, what did you have spies sent arround to spy on the whole football team or something, Because ill have you know I can do much better…like Flea for example.”

“Trust me, little bro, I know, and dont worry your little birthday head about it I have my ways.”

“Ohhhhhhh, now see, that’s just suspicious-”

“...Look, you don't get it. It’s not your world, but trust me, popular guys in locker rooms—let's just say, they call it “locker room talk” for a reason, and between you and me it’s not just about girls. Ugh! The things I’ve seen man, mhm! Sweet Jesus! Shit you wouldn't believe! You know what pastoiur angles always says, the lord works in mysterious ways”

“Wow, Kev’, I-I have no words, this is amazing I’m finally gonna ceatch up, you wont be the only ones getting babes, I will finally know the sweet touch of a heruim of groupies, hot babes - dude babes oiling me up bacjstage in my sheepskin robe before our big comeback tour, shirtless babes worshiping me like the rock god I am, dude babes, the way god intended no more of this looking on at you let ladies suck your dicks for being in a band crap when I was the one pulling all the guiatir strings form behind the senses…”

“Ok dont give yourself too much credit now, with great power comes great responsibility”

“Yeah, I love power…”

 I was simply in disbelief that he actually did this. Kev was the best, no brother could compare. I looked at him with big goo goo eyes, because my heart was so full of love I had short curicted man. Kev leaned back and sighed, suddenly looking serious. uh oh. 

“Look I know it seems too good to be true but trust me, it’s all legit man. But just remmeber no one’s trying to out anyone, ok? I know most of these guys look like the “big cheese”they bully you and act like they own the school, like Kenny comes to mind–but actually, most of them are living a lie, and are just as lonely as you are, man.  And they said they would never admit it, but some of them even told me they love BAD DECISIONS, and that they're just dying to know who its sexy lead singer is.”

“You're full of shit, man.” I said, breathless

“Would I lie to you?”

“No, of course not man, it’s just…I can’t believe-”

“I’m your brother, man, it’s your first real birthday in years, it’s the least I could do. In fact, I should have done this a long time ago, I was just waiting till the time was right. You really think I’d let you graduate without getting laid? I mean, especially after all your help with Roxy!” 

“But…don’t be dumb man, you know all hell will break loose if this ever gets out. Your precious reputation will be gutted?! Your risking everything, and what about Harvard-“

“Trust me, man. I’ve kept bigger secrets, some of them I’ll be taking from my grave, don’t you worry about me man, I got this under control, no one will ever know.”

“I know, but I…”

“Look, I know all this is happening real fast, it’s unexpected territory man, I get it. But we all have to grow up sooner or later. I meanCome on, man you are the lead singer of Bad Decisions, for god sakes, you are a big deal now. surely all our adoring fans and the paparazzi will be waiting to see who’s going to be on Lester Flatt’s arm at battle of the bands- next the red Carpet” 

“Wow, man, you really are the ultimate wingman. But let’s be real here, how…would I even use this list, like in practice.”

“Oh, well, that’s more your ballgame, champ. You're gonna have to figure that part out on your own.”

“Right…”

“Though, it has been said, a good place to start is always…the boys' bathroom?” Kevin said,tongue firmly in cheek.  Winking at me, as I nervously laughed and stumbled back, being truly disarmed by it all.

“Holy Shit. Oh, yeah Brian Landau? Dude, that totally tracks, he only had pictures of Patrick Swasey in his Locker…” I cracked up, reading the names of the guys who run the school, and thinking about how much they beat on all the supposed “gay kids' ' and how they're all secretly carrying cards themselves. Kevin’s way cooler than most guys about it, so now I really couldn't let him down. I had to find someone just as hot as Roxy, and show him off when we win the battle of the bands! Then we’ll move to NYC, where anything goes. 

“Just-make sure you don't show that list to ANYONE, ok? Keep it secret, you know, the last thing we want is it falling into the wrong hands, you know?”

“Totally.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” We did our secret handshake, and hugged it out. He held me close and whispered the choice words in my ear.

“You deserve to find your Roxy”

“Thanks man” 

“Ok, I’m gonna take Roxy home. Come on, let’s get to bed, we have a big week ahead of us!” Kevin said, as I crawled into bed, having him tuck me in. 

“Happy Birthday, buddy.” He said, flicking off my lights on his way out.

“Hey, Kev?” I asked

“Yeah?”

“Do any of them…have it?”

“Have what?”

“You know…” I relized then, I haddnt ever said it out loud before, 

“Have what…bad taste in music? Is that still your biggest turn off? Come on man you can’t be that picky, not everyone can be Lou Reed”

“No, do they have…It, you know…”

“What?”

“AIDS!...or whatever, I didnt see spot on your list, for guys with aids…how would you even know if they had it anyway?” 

“Aids!? God No! These guys don’t even have clean jockstraps, heh’, trust me if they did, everyone would know, and no one would hear the end of it! Like they all have massive egos,ok. If any of them actually were positive, they probably would never show their faces at school again…trust me. I covered all the bases.” Kev, laughed off.

“Yeah, ok, sorry dude silly question, hey…thanks again.”

“Just-try not to worry so much man, god knows we do more than enough of that already. You deserve this, man. You deserve to be happy for once, man. Look, you shouldn’t have to even go through all this bullshit, it pisses me off and It’s not fair. But I always wanted to make sure that you're not alone. Being alone sucks balls man, it’s no way to live. But hey, next year, you’ll graduate and Bad Decisions will be topping the charts, and all the dudes will be fighting nuclear wars too just to get with you, man. Mom and dad will be shitting their pants when they see you selling out world tours on MTV! And it would have all been worth it! I promise” 

“Really?”

“Without a Doubt.”

“Alright, alright, don't get all mushy on me now.”

“Too late! AGH!” He said briefly launching a tickle attack on me. 

“Haha, alright, alright, get off me! Ha ha” 

“I yield, I yield!” I yelled through giggles. As Kevin screeched back through a fit of laughter 

“Ok, ok ok. That’s enough Mick Robson, even rock stars need a good night's sleep, even if they seldom get it, get used to long nights, and hangover cocktails so enjoy this while it lasts buster.” 

“Ha ha, alright you win. Goodnight, man.” I said, yanking my dingy cotton blanket over my mop top hair, as Kevin shut my light, as Kevin strolled out the door turned arroudn to look back at me one last time. 

“Sweet dreams.” Kevin whispered, as he slipped out, gently shutting my creaky door. I could hear him gently waking up a yawning Roxy, and tenderly helping her out the door into his car. I couldn’t believe Kevin was real sometimes, I dont know what I would do without him: Crash and burn I thought.

Another one bites the dust.

As I fell asleep before my head even hit the pillow, feeling the least asinine I’d felt in months. Now, for the first time ever, I was actually pumped for school tomorrow. But Obviously not for the school part, as I was still flying all my classes. I fantasize about what (and who) I would do with that list, the possibilities are truly endless. Besides, being at the center of new scandals is the best way to get people talking about battle for bands on Friday. I went to bed so early tonight, prepared to get my best night's sleep in years. Until now, I was only used to drunken all-nighters and rehearsal sessions till dawn. Playing rock shows, being unaprpicted in my prime, oogling men, groupies, rockstars in local bands, in the city, at school on the road who I know I cant have, who I know cant have me, and even if they could would never want me, who wants the burnt out fat kid who has dreams of fame and fourtune. But at last, tomarrow I will get to play with the big boys, and Trent wont complain my songs are lacking a sexual edge “obvious” of a frontman without certin experiences. I could not wait, even if high school boys were trash, I could touch, feel pain, feel sexy, maybe even feel pretty, a whole new feeling. I threw on my casset, letting “Oh you Pretty Things” by David Bowie fill my ears, heart and soul, never letting my tallent of soundtracking my life waver, as I peacefully dozed into another wet dream about being surrounding by hot dude babes, maybe even finding the perfect rock n roll lover while playing at Woodstock, and before I knew it I was sleeping like a baby.  

I had only one regret. Not getting high with Kevin first. 

My First real lesson in life: Everything is better, when you're high. 

Monday

The next day, mom, and dad came back late after we went to bed, and greeted us with the usual abrasive sensory attack first thing in the morning, air horn and all. Kevin gobbled down his corn flakes, and yelled for me to hurry up in the bathroom. He wanted to hit the road jack as soon as possible, the less time shmoshing with the rents, the better. I quickly snacthed the list from the bedside table before anyone could see it, and aggressively slammed my door, and locked it. As I hastily threw on clothes, I tried to fold up the sacred census, as small as possible and hide it so well, even the FBI would find it. Stuff it in my socks? No, it will fall out in gym class and get smudged in my foot sweat. Stuff in my jean pocket, no I’ll forget it’s there will all the candy rappers, cigarette butts and crumpled song lyrics. In the elastic of my Boxers? No, it would definitely fall out, for obvious reasons.No, hiding it there, is just too…symbolic. So, I frantically scrubbed all the names on my forearm in permanent marker, as I do with most of my lyrics, that I come up with on the fly. In case I lost the list, I’d just never wash my hands…which embracingly wouldn't be a problem for me. I must've read those names a thousand times last night before dozing off. I fell asleep with the list in my hand, surrounded by them in my dreams. I just realized that them being written on my arm would be alot harder to hide than a piece of paper, but it was too late. So I threw on my usual black jean jacket, with one of my favorite patches peeling off. 

“Fuck. This isn't gonna cut it” I whispered to myself in the mirror, sighing heavily, staring at my same old schlubby presentation. I think I may have outgrown this whole look. But, It is just what I always wear: the same old jean jacket, sagging blue jeans, and a signature Black Red Hot Chili Peppers t-shirt with the red logo in the center of my belly like a bullseye. Same untied beat up black converse and or military boots I've been rocking since middle school, same one or two dog tags and belt chains. Same old unbrushed mop, bigger in more directions than ever. Same old unshaven, chubby face, body, same acne and sweaty, pale, disposition. Same old scars and bruises, lack of hygiene, and any traces of self-esteem, still dawning the same unfitting, second hand, stained and torn wardrobe as I had in 79’. I was gonna make Kevin late, but I had to change. Changes another Bowie song, I could hear coming on to score this triumphant metrapmoris.

I’m the lead singer of a magnetic, revlautory world changing rock band now. I was about to get laid for the first time, my entire world was opening up, I didn't feel like a failure anymore , I could no longer dress like one. If I had a little queer genie on my shoulder tellking me what to do, or how to live my life he would tell me this outfit needs to go, full makeover time.

So, with haste, I dove headfirst into my closest, swimming around in the mammoth pile of dirty rags, like I was scuba dividing off the cliffs in the Tinatic’s Wreck, for what felt like hours untill, I found it. Kevin’s old Leather jacket, now, honey I mean real leather, with a massive patchwork of Bruce Springsteen on the bag, looking especially rough and tumble on this particular pinup. I completely forgot I had this, buried amongst my expected mess for the longest time. Kevin gave me his old jacket for Christmas, when I was freshman, along with that replacement Arosmith tape, after Kent finished it. Kevin never wore it, his style was more prep, and letterman jackets. But he always let me wear it around the house, to aesthetically mimic my idols as closely as possible without the fame and microphone in hand, to feel like my gods, he would always say. “It suits you, man.” Obviously it was expensive so our folks constantly gulited Kevin for wearing it, our parents said everytime Kevin wore it, or even brought up the fact he owned a leather jacket let alone a Bruce Speingstein, they woudl always tell him “Bruce Springstein is the devils music” and “You arent allowed to wear that horrible costume out of this house” or some other, crap, witch of course Kev caved too. So eventually he gave it to me, despite the fact I dont care for bruce, he’s too mainstream, too jersey though I do like glory days, something Kev likes to call every day were living through, to help him get through the week I guess. But it hardly mattered because when I first tried it on last year, it didn't fit, not even a little. Though of course, Kevin was quick to promise me, I’d grow into it like most other things. 

So, Right then and there, I tried it on with baited breath. i rolled up the sleeves, squinted, and opened my eyes. 

Holy Shit. 

It fits.

I didnt loose any waight since last time, it must have shrunk in the wash, wahtever it is now it…actually fits, I cant believe it. I never thought this day would come. It was only a tad tight in the shoulder and elbows, where it was designed to tighten to better fit the figure. I threw on my tight, low cut Dio tank top, and slid in a studded belt to tighten and cuff my baggy bluejeans. Wow, I looked good. That ass could bring the troops home-

“Lester, we're leaving!” Kevin cried, as I heard the front door unlock.  

“Coming!” I screamed, scrambling to grab my knapsack, brush my hair, and puff on a bit of Kevin’s Faberge Cologne, almost tripping on my untied shoelaces.  

“Lester hurry up! I can’t be late for Harvard test prep!” Kevin yelled 

“Harvard! Can suck my dick!” I yelled back at him, 

         “Pfft, keep dreaming, spaz” Kent snarked, peddling ahead. Our parents gave Kent a heartfelt kiss and a dozen I love you’s and prayers before he drove away in his fancy new Proche. Right behind him out the front door Kevin was awarded a fleeting kiss as he hopped on his fancy razor bike, he got for Christmas, that is, of course, faster than mine.

He quickly out peddled me

“Slow down!.” I yelled at him through baiting breath, tailing him with my junk-trunk excuse for a set of wheels. He took one look at me, as I caught up to him. 

“Wow, new look?”

“Ehh? you like it?”

“Big time dude! That shit is bodacious! You look like a real greaser” Kevin exaclimbed, looking at me so long he almost swerved off road.

“Thanks, man!” 

“You're gonna really start turning heads now-wait, is that my jacket!?”

“Ugh, I’m Sorry, I just--”

“It fits.” Kevin said,breathlessly in a certain kind of shock, like a man who thought he’d never see his son alive again. His dry mouth hung open, as his eyes stayed wide even as he rode through town on autopilot. 

“Yeah, I never thought it would either, but for the band new artistic direction, I’ve always had leather in mind, and you know Bruce is your favriote, I never like him as much but I can definitely get down with-” He cut me off, grinning. 

“It suits you. You look great, man. You should wear it more often.”

“Yeah man. Maybe I will. Yeah, maybe this is just who I am now. You know it’s crazy, the second I put it on I felt like he was a man with a sword, you know? I mean, It feels like this is my…real skin you know?” I meditated, maybe being just a tad over dramatic, but Kevin just laughed as we pulled up to the school yard, locking our bikes on that same old rack. Kevin waved at his approaching Football buddies and studyhall clique, as I raced off to third period, which did I forget to mention, I was one tardy away from falling, along with…all the rest of my classes.  Strutting into school, a new man.

“Lester!” Kevin called after me. I whipped around, blocking the school strmapede.

“Give ‘em hell.” He said, winking at me.

“Oh, You know I will! Ok, man See you tonight!” I called after him. I was already getting a select few looks from girls, who never noticed me before. Most of them were mocking and jeering at me but…their eyes were still firmly in my general direction. Even my bullies seemed to at least take notice of my new swagger, that after a few years of being lead singer of Bad Decisions, playing every gig in town, we were finally seeing the praise and reparations we deserve. I mean, anything is better than being ignored and spending my days in the principal’s office. But it really felt good to move up in the world, you know? 

I mean, you have to become a man, in order to stick it to him. My new confidence seemed to change me instinalisly, like the lame, indignant, angry, deadbeat, failure Lester that no one took seriously or believed played gigs with Iggy pop on the weekends that dweeb, I was all my life, was just gone in an instant. Because I was never him, I was always so much more awesome under that baggy exterior. Kevin’s been right all along, lie until it becomes true, it’s really that simple. I been singing flat all my life, but now at long last, i'm a whole different range. Man, I could get used to this.

I walked inside to my locker, everywhere I looked was another guy from the list, strolling around with Kevin’s crew, all their girl friends, shoving nerds in lockers and peaking in highschool. all Guys who never so much as rolled their eyes at me my entire life, never once clogging my very existence even when I’m cheering for them from the bleachers at all of Kevin’s games. I looked at them, marching around the halls, preparing to inherit the world. I noticed the king of the pack, Mr 1. On the love must, Kenny Lovemuffin, I subtly glanced at him, he glanced back. Kenny Loggins, Linebacker,without anyone seeing, for just a second, he gave me a scandalous side eye. Wow, so brave. Then the bell rang, and he went right back to business as useless.

“What the hell are you looking at faggot!?” He barked. And we’re back.

“Nothin-” I said, slamming my locker door loudly. He snarled and was summoned elsewhere by the coach's whistle. I just rolled my eyes and joged off to first period, algebra.  I will say, Kenny is pretty. (all the worst ones are.) In a kind of Patrick Swasy, Mark Patton Joey Stafano kind of way, but with no class. Just thinking about how he might act in private, when he’ll drop the macho act and do…something totally obscene, to shatter his whole macho charter made me hard. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered and went on migrations arround the eqatior, all the evil worm people living inside me, left over from my latest acid trip, all collectively celebrating new years, everything inside me went crazy at just the thought of it. Double lives, rock n roll man, smack in the danger zone now man, there was no going back, is this why people have affairs? I began to pant, and wiped the sweat from my head with my shirt as if to cleanse the vile thoughts forming. 

With that, looking like a hairball in heat, I stumbled into class, I was just barely not tardy. Ms. Siegfried, a teacher so German, I can't breathe in class,because her accent thickens the air into such a fog. also she has perpetual beer breath. She pointed her yardstick at the clock above the chalkboard, the second I walked in, all my classmates already glaring at me in their seats. only one half second removed from getting handed my last tardy. She squealed at me, saying that this was my last chance. I just came too close to flunking the enetire child torture experiment (I mean class…) so I bit my tounge, gritted my teeth and nodded obeidenly, heading her warning. And still my confidence bounced back, as u strutted to the back of the room to my strategically hidden seat. I pooped my but into my seat and spread my legs in the back row, as she resumed her lesson on Inequalities in fractions.

This was such a bummer man. I thought as I crossed my arms and audibly groaned so loud everyone had to shhh me. This isnt fiar man, I’m a rock god now, I shount be learning PEMDAS, I should be in recording studio’s studios right now, man, recording my next great single, surrounded by booze, and hot dude babes, living the life! Rock god’s don't need to know math, that's what they have the billboard charts for. But alas I’m not a god yet, I have a long way to go…if I wanna rock n roll, but, not far enough. 

I took a power breath, and pretended to listen or take notes, or whatever. 

So I decided to cut to the important stuff. Sex, drugs and rock n roll…sex was on the agenda. And to best achieve Kevin's love list today, I’d transcribed it on my wrist the prior night. 

As I read the list under my desk, trying to think where these guys were now all I could think of was Flea, and how none of them could compare, but I had to say focsued. There were so many, I didn't even know where to start. I resisted descending into my usual groaty ape state, picking my nose, scratching my dandruff, and chewing gum plucked from the underside of desks. Men famously aren’t the ones to be pleased, but some level of decorum is still necessary to attract the same sex, so I had to shape up, and fast. I heard a cough from the guy next to me, I looked up, and holy mother of Mary, Paul, and Joseph, it was him! I was sitting right next to the second guy on the list, Rubin Smith. He was the lead singer of Rolling Veins, another band we’d be competing against at battle of the bands this Friday. Even though he was my compassion, he was always rad, and a tall glass of water too. Rubin’s a Skinny guy, yet still buff, he’s got the same mop of blonde curly hair as Lenny, but his doo more dirty blonde, wearing a pair of flashy earrings, incredibly tight light blue ripped jeans, and a Jean Jacket half covering a loose, deep cut, Kiss tank top with a deep cut v neck, barely hanging off his flawlessly sculpted pecs. It was boiling hot in this classroom, and yet…

His nipples were hard. 

We exchanged an awkward series of jittery glances, he was likely wondering why I kept staring at him, maybe he was getting the wrong idea. It was now or never, I decided to make a move. I tore off the corner of my old math notes, and wrote on it all that needed to be said. I struggled to come up with the smallest possible number of words to convey my particular message. All the notes said was: “Sex? Boys bathroom?” Or Was that too much?

Maybe that’s too forward? I dont know, maybe I fucked it up already! But you know what they say, go big or go home, and of those two options, it’s not much of a choice. I looked around, everyone’s heads were down, suffocated in their textbooks, or looking up with full attention on Ms. Siegfried’s captivating lesson plan. My heart was pounding.

I passed the note to Rubin under our desks, he snatched the note, at light speed. Our fingers grazed for a millisecond, It was over, I was already starting to blush. Man, stay cool, rock god’s don't get like this, they don't have juvenile grade school crushes, they take ass and take names! All they do is beak backs, break records, and break hearts, and they do it effortlessly with zero regrets! True Rock royalty doesn't melt into puddles the second some guy looks their way. I sunk back in my seat, frantically avoiding eye contact with him as he read the note under his desk, I desperately yanked my Leather jacket sleeve down, to cover up the list at all costs. 

I timidly peaked up, terrified to see his reaction.

 

 He just looked around up and down the room, the coast was clear, he looked back at me intently, and smiled. He nodded, bobbing his head towards the door, making it clear he didn't wanna waste any more time. Before I even had a split second to acquire oxygen, the bell rang, garish giving us all lifetime hearing loss like a never ending fire alarm. This was perfect, as I was already planning on playing hookie for the second period. I frantically attempted to clean up all my papers, calculators and eraser residue in time as everyone shuffled out of their desks and into the hall like clockwork. Rubin casually waved at a few of the guys in Rolling Veins filing in for the next class, before turning back to me when all eyes had diverted. 

“Let’s Motor” He whispered right in my ear canal, his hot breath flushing down my shirt inside all my pores, belly button and all other crevices. I turned to jelly, before I knew it he was halfway out the door, half lost in the student stampede. I ran around like a headless monkey trying to find him, bumping into people left and right, until I saw his giant blonde macaroni mop bouncing above the crowds, right towards the boys bathroom. That’s the trick isn't it, if you're not alone, get lost in the crowd. Hey, I wonder if he’s heard of Bad Decisions, I’ve heard Rolling Veins they played at Kent’s graduation last year, their way more family friendly then us. But damn can Rubin sing. He’s got the voice of an angel, with Steeve Perry’s range, Frank Zappa’s Diction and unique pronunciation, and Bon Jovi’s Charisma. Out of all our competition, I was definitely the most jealous of him, but also the most turned on. 

He grabbed my hand and yanked me into the boys bathroom. I entered with an absurd sense of gravitas, as if I was entering the cysteine chapel for the first time. I stumbled in behind him, curiously looking around, gawking at the leaking ceiling with a holy sense of wonder. It smelled like ass and figs as usual, Rubin checked all the stalls and urinals, there was no one to be found.  

Without skipping a beat, Rubin smirked and ran his ringed out fingers through his perfect hair. He grabbed me, and pushed me against the inner wall of the only handicap stall. He slammed the door and locked it, like a Tiger being released into the wild, he just went ferrell and we started making out with the fire of a thousand suns. He smashed his lips against mine, he did not spare a second before unleashing his tongue, shoving his long lizard slapper down my throat. He wasted no time before exploring every corner and cavity of my mouth like William Shatner braving a new planet. This was the greatest feeling on earth, only second to playing guitar for thousands of adoring fans. 

He had clearly been holding back for some time, of all the kids on the love list, Rubin is definitely the one that excited me most, and was most likely not to peak in high school. We had the most in common, I mean unlike most of those dumb jocks, us rockers had to stick together, in this case, literally. He didn't slow down before swapping positions and shoving me against the wall, hard. He started stretching open my shirt color and giving me a hickey, something that until now was the stuff of legend. Hickies, I’ve heard about loads, I know what they are but…I’ve never considered the logistics of actually obtaining one in material reality, I just knew they were badges of honor. I Didnt wanna, but I knew I’d be expected to hide it---But before I could form any further hickey related thoughts, my brain short circuited. UGh! It felt so good, like I was being sexually enlightened by a giant squid inside the pressure valve of a deep sea volcano. The way he sucked on every possible angle of my neck like a vampire, sucking all the trash, vacuuming out years worth of pent up fear, rage, and untapped rock n roll potential. The warm, silky feeling of his giant frog lips on my greasy skin, gave me a surefire pass to Bonnervile, if I wasn't there already. There was no room for Jesus between us, his firm fingers were wrapped around the top of the stall for balance, as he hung on for dear life, rattling the surrounding stalls like a circus tent. He kept shoving his hand up my shirt, and rubbing his smooth, porcelain hands all over my stomach, a sharp tingle ran up my spine with the cold metal of his rings gracing my skin. I already felt fat based on how long it took his hand to make it to my chest, but he didn't seem to care, which was a first. He pulled my shirt off making, whale making devious face before he tossed it to the grimy floor. He peeled his lips off mine, just to rip off his own shirt, almost in slow motion sliding off his tight band shirt to reveal his sweaty, perfectly sculpted abs and perfectly symmetrical six pack. He threw his shirt aggressively on the stall floor, as my eyes darted down to his incredibly pronounced V-line, and scant happy trail slivering out from his studded skinny jeans. My heart was pounding into my ears, I started sweating bullets, panting rapidly, and blushing hard. I could feel my blood cells scramble to deliver enough blood to my dick and oxygen to my brain. I started trembling, looking like a real nervous spaz. I felt like fainting.

“Hey, you know how long, I've been waiting for this.” He wsiepred in my ear, sending another shiver down my spine, so much electricity my hair stood up as if I’d just been struck by lightning. I tried to play it cool, still weak at the knees I tried to keep up with him.

“Well, good things come to those who wait.” I said, as he started kissing me again. I opened my big mouth to try and get in another quip.

“Ohhhhhhh, don't talk-” he said, parting the hair from my eyes, to get a full view of my chubby unshaven face. Without wasting even a millisecond, we resumed the foreplay, and I let him take charge. Clearly this wasn't his first trip around the sun. His lips on mine were so slimy and greasy, his body was rising in temperature rapidly. Shit got real hot and heavy, real quick. I almost burned my hand just from touching his chest, that's how hot we were talking, I was too afraid to check the thermostat. It was so hot, the school might need to call the fire department…hopefully with some hot shirtless fireman…with big hoses.

Now, there was no going back, we were in full swing now, it was almost like my body just went into full primal mode, ancient primordial instinct kicked in. Big gorilla brain ruled supreme, and on this planet of the apes, survival instinct and sex drive rule supreme. I just closed my eyes and let him take control. I grabbed his absurd ass, as tight as my trembling hands possibly could, and held on for dear life. He grabbed my hair and even started tweaking my nipples, which were hard as diamonds. Jesus this bathroom was fucking cold.

He Instinctively started undoing my belt, and like a mole rat he did it all with his eyes closed. He artfully ate my face like a bowl of captain crunch, open kissing for so long I forgot how to breathe. He went back and forth from my neck to lips. I lost count of his many hickies, I could hear his sloppy slurping lips sucking away on every inch of my collar bone. I love it, I couldn't get enough of all his slurping noises, sucking skin, you’d think I was hiding the key to the city in my esophagus. He was so aggressive, wild, untamed when he unzipped my jeans, almost cutting his finger on the zipper, yanking them down recklessly, then he teased me by playing with my boxer band before pulling those down too. 

Now for the first time, I was totally exposed. so I nervously stumbled and almost fell in the half-flush toilet with the seat still up. Ugh, gag me with a spoon! But he just laughed and shoved me up against the wall harder this time. Before biting his perfect lips, and giving me those red hot dirty eyes. 

“Are you ready?’

“Mhm…” I moaned, nodding my head frantically.

He kissed me quickly, before slowly dropping to his knees.

He took one look at my junk, before smiling and Mumbling “wow” under his breath. Which I couldn't tell was good or bad. So he stood up with a start, aggressively yanked up my pants to my confusion. Talk about killing the momentum, I was ready for the best blwjob of my life man, what gives? 

Instead he just kept looking me right in the eyes as he stuck his hand down my pants. He was just like the U.S military, he had no problem crossing all kinds of borders, even without…(Ugh!*) Jurisdiction. He gave that look, man, you know the one. The one that’s a coin flip, between “Im gonna kill you” or “I’m gonna fuck your brains out, but either way, your gonna love it”

I can no longer lie to you, by this point, I was fully his bitch. I don't even want you seeing me like this man, some things are just too available, man. But you bet your ass I went limp, he held me up, like a ragdoll. He started to jerk me off like he was trying to get his stuck hand out of  a meat grinder. This was a man on a mission, he was staying right on schedule to make me cum all over my already stained jeans just in time for the third period. 

“Just so you know,If you tell anyone about this, I’ll make you wish you were fucking aborted! And then take you to my serial killer torture dungeon, where no one can hear you scream. Got it?” Rubin sneered in his grizzled jersey  accent. As he simply sped up his jerking to terminal velocity causing my knees to buckle and my jaw to lock.

“Yes sir” I squealed, probably moaning just a bit too loud. Rubin shoved his hand over my mouth and held me up higher against the stall wall, so my feet were barely touching the tail floor. Do you think he could tell it was my first time? 

“Oh yeah, how do I know you ain't gonna rat?”

“What? I would never rat, man, that goes against my Rockers code–Oh gooood!?” I said, through pants and gasps, borderline out of breath already.

“Good, good. Because that would be really awkward, when we demolish you stupid little band in the big battle, and take home the 20,000 dollar cash prize. *It would just be a real shame If we were both outed and disqualified for this little faggy adventure in the middle of Biochem. Because being gay is the worst thing you can be in the music industry, besides…disco. But that's ok, we're gonna win no matter what, or haven't you heard-'' He sensually whispered right in my ear, letting his massive mick jagger all-natural lips linger and stare on every sis yale. He noticed I’d been staring at his perfect hands, he grabbed my collar bone with them, holding me still

“-I can do more than just play guitar with these hands' 'He whispered seductively.

As he ran his finger carefully down from my eyebrows, down the frame of my ear, and inside it to whatever mystifies are lurking in its canal, then traced his tip all the way down my cheekbone and around the frame of my face, all the way to my chin, then down my neck. I shivered and squirmed, as his hand started to become more busy below the belt, he circled my adams apple with his perfect, airbrushed finger tips. He then ran his hands down my pants.

“No, Ugh! I bet you guys will win, You're actually a really—ugh, talented band! I really admire your um…ugh! Talent and uh…work ethic! Ha, yeah, yeah Battle of the bands is my Olympics, man, I've been training all my life for it, I would never do anything to muck that up, I swear!”

“You swear? Swear my ass!? I dont trust your sorry ass, you have to swear on your life, Spazzy McGee.” He shoved my trembling body back up against the wall, and made that same devious smirk, as he looked me up and down.

“Do it! Swear to me.” He grunted, breathing down my shirt. Then he jerked me off so fast I thought he was gonna tear my dick off. Oh god, fuck, fuck, fuck! I’m about to piss myself. 

“UGH!! I SWEAR, I SWEAR, I SWEAR ON MY LIFE!! I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! PLEEEASE–” I whined, inatasan ty creaming all over his perfect hands. I gasped as he dropped me. I fell to the floor blushing like a French Concubine, totally drained, clinging desperately to the toilet, as I claposed on its whale trying foolishly to stand up to the fats. He looked down at me pityingly as I tried to scratch my breath, and see color again. Too overwhelmed by post cream bliss to notice how heinously lame I looked and how Rubin’s face had “second hand embarrassment” written all over it. But alas now my arms had been resigned to noodles, unable to pull my jeans back up or stand, or speak. Rubin just sighed and crossed his arms.

“Wow, that was fast! Record time, in fact. You had a boner before we even started?”

“Uh huuuuuuuuh” I moaned

“Well you're kinda fat and weird so i'm not entirely surprised. But you know how it is, man, In this town, ya gotta get it, where ya can. Just don't tell any of the groupies on Friday, got it?”

“Yeah my lips are–sealed, man. Wow, did anyone ever tell you…your like…smokin hot, I think…uh, hey ya wanna play guitar-duets, and get stoned after school, we could go to my place??”I was seeing stars, and talking like a dufus with my tongue hanging out, and droll no doubt dribbling off my chin. As my world had just been thoroughly rocked. 

“Woah, woah, hey man, I thought I was clear, this…is purely physical.”

“Physically…pure…Eyes…pretty eyes” Wow, I was…just in love with this guy all of a sudden, not really but in the moment, it sure felt like it. Now, I was devolving quickly into pure stupidity! I’ve lost the gift of language and…movement. What is happening to me, is this what sex is like? It just…knocks you out cold every time? Danm, no wonder the Flea always does drugs first. Wow, I was just floating into the clouds, man, I wanna feel like this all the time, even when life turns to shit, especially then, I’ll just float above it all, up away into the love-clouds and beyond. always a billion away from anything that isn't chasing this high, so high I get lost in space.

“Heh, this…this isn't your first time…is it?” He asked. I just nodded, robotic mouth still wide open. Suddenly, I started giggling uncontrollably like a dental patient, as he stepped back and cocked his head back to process this information. While I was still plastered, strung out on the bowl, starting to come back to earth. Barely able to relish in the best euphoria known to man, this high was better, faster, stronger, longer than getting stoned, drunk, or doing Coke or any of the other wilder drugs I've done. Like I've jerked off loads, (pun intended) mostly to my old Motley crue, and Red Hot Chili Peppers pinups living rent free on my wall, ceiling, and wildest dreams. I’ve even occianisbly dabbled in wanking it to my old rolling stone issued with Mick Jagger on the cover, or even my dads stinky Russian stash under his bed. Kwevin helped me steal one easter. All that was a blast, but this…this was a whole new animal. Wow, now I see why people go full slut, and sleep with everyone they can get their hands on, even their step-brothers, Priests, senators, married men, and even their ex boyfriends, shrinks, lawyers, drug dealers, and rock idols!? Like…it makes so much sense.

  I finally yanked back on my pants, seeing as the moment had officially passed. I wobbled a bit, Rubin lending me his hand to help me up, and I slowly returned to earth. I offered a small smile to Rubin, as he just looked too cool for school, and kept checking his watch and looking above the stall for possible witnesses to beat up. 

“Wow, you were an amazing man. heh, I-believe it or not man, I have never met a homo before, let alone…well...ya know-”

“Wait then how…did you know about me, man?

“Uhhh…Lucky guess? You know what the chicks always say man, ‘why are all the hot ones are gay?”

“Uh uh…” 

“Pure statistics, man! Also, your note…helped to…confirm my theory”

“...” he just looked down at me with one raised eyebrow. 

“-Not that anything about you was especially gay, persay. You know I didn't notice anything fruity off the bat. you know it’s super possible I just have an ego and am only attracted to guys who look like me, rockers that is. I mean I’ve taken worse beatings from bullies for less, you seemed worth the risk, not that I was like…stalking you, or anything, I mea-”

“Ok. I get it man-” He said generously cutting off my neurotic rambling. 

“Ahhhh, yeah…” I said, biting my tongue and punching myself inside.

“-We all gotta have our first time, sooner or later. I mean, next year when I move to San Francisco with the band, man, you're never gonna hear from me again, I'm gonna be balls deep man, you know, oh I can't wait. -Anyway, most people die virgins anyway, so you're a real expert by comparison.”

“Yeah? Well, checks…man, you don't gotta blow steam up my ass…so to speak. I mean Obviously you were great, -I mean, your hands, they were great, wow, I didn't think  a guy could have such bitchin hands, what is your secret, man?” I said, flipping his hands over like a pancake, examining them for any traces of human error. These hand made to hand model wedding rings in Italy, not the hands of a guy who plays guitar for a living.

“My secret? Well, It’s all in the wrist.” He said as he grabbed my tender junk forcefully. Good lord, I audibly gulped. We both endured a minute or two of grueling awkward science. 

“Hey, uh, um…What’s your name again?”I would soon become very accustomed to hearing that question, most often, directly after a hookup.

“Lester Flatt” I said, trying to sound both chill and authoritative and official simultaneously. I ended up coming across like a guy who’ hasn't fully regained his balance or pulled his pants back up yet.

“Flatt, like…Kevin Flatt?”

“My Brother.”

“Holy shit, no way! THE Kevin Flatt? Star Quarterback? School president and valdiorain, alter boy-laides man, teachers pet-Kevin?! Oh man, Dude he basically runs the school, everyone worships that guy! Why didn't you tell me?!”

“Tell you? When? We’ve both been so…preoccupied.” I said, finally pulling up my jeans, and buckling my belt, thank god my hands stopped shaking.

“Ha! You uh, got a little stain there” He said looking down pointing to an unflattering jizz stain on my inner thigh, clear as day on my jeans. Jesus Christ, so much for discretion!? He just laughed at my horror, patting me on the back.

He was right, that was fast, far speedier then I had expected. Hell, I didn't even have time to take an actual shit…the thing that bathrooms are typically meant for. I tried to open my mouth to ask him a super important question, but before I could:

The bell rang.  

Before I knew it, he was gone. He simply grabbed his knapsack, and was on his merry way.  Without even a kiss, goodbye?  NO! Stop expecting love, that’s bullshit! A rock god can never truly be loved, he lives his life instrument, on the road from stage to stage, label to label, bed to bed. Besides of course it’s only physical, why was I expecting anything else?

 I mean everyone knows love is sissy, and only exists in hallmark cards for all the rich sheep who still believe in the scam of “love” ha! Suckers. Hey, I should write a song about that.

I snapped out of my dreamy, warm daze and ran out the boys room, as a man, forever changed. Since I was trying to not flunk every class, right before graduation, I too shuffled off to class. The journey back to earth was brutal, but Third Period Gym was an especially bogus destination. I mean, I already had my workout for the week. But hate to sound so bubbly and more full of shit then that toilet, just as oblivious and full of air as a freshly married man. But I must say, I marched down that hall feeling like the king of the world, more like the emperor of the multiverse, I felt like I could shoot fireballs out of my belly button, and it would all just somehow make sense, like I could do anything. Not just win the battle of the bands, become a billionaire, and take over the world… Woah, slow down there! Hey, man, one thing at a time. Seriously, though, riding this high might be the only thing on earth that could make third period dodgeball mildly barbable. 

      After lunch, I hooked up with two more guys from the list. Yes, even Kenny Loggins, who was so aggressive at first, he even hit me a few times, and wouldn't let go of my arms. But pretty quickly, he turned into the biggest bitch I've ever seen.(and that’s some stiff competition.) Just winning, and begging on his knees for what I was doing for him (I’ll let you use your imagination.) It astounded me how the real kings of the school can rule with such an iron fist in public, yet be such repressed bitch babies in private. It’s so hilarious to me he beats me up in the halls one minute, and I’m beating his meat the next! He so quickly turned into the most submissive, desperate regressive brat, almost like he was practicing for his inevitable 10 month prison stint for tax evasion. Of course he threatened me the most If I ever spilled the beans on our little chance encounter, but I assured him my lips were, permanently, sealed. Though Implying if he ever messed with me or my brother from now on, I couldn't guarantee a goddamned thing. Soft power, he was used to it, being on the football team he clearly wanted to keep living on the edge. Such brutes are so spoiled and bored, that they go hunting for some cheap thrills anywhere they are made available, and boy are they particles. I can hear it now, Kevin coming to me asking “Why he stopped trying to butt heads, and give him shit in between games like usual?”and I’ll just wink and say I took care of it, and he’l know exactly what that means and give me a firm patt on the bag. He’ll be so proud when he hears how useful his love list truly was, best birthday gift ever. Not to mention his shrew of a beard-girlfriend, Shelly, will be so entertainingly in the dark until he graduates with his precious Penn State football scholarship. You know, third time must be a charm, because I’ve always been a fast learner and being dominant, confident and in control just seem to just come easy to me now. I lied to myself and others about it enough that…yeah, it’s just true now, it crossed the threshold, this is just who I am now. You know maybe I need a stage name? I mean, Now I'm finally closer than ever to true rock god status, In all areas of life: Rock n roll, drugs and now, sex! Of course, there's also Home, and school but...they aren't worth my ass, they can't afford to book me. I gotta keep my priorities straight. 

Tuesday

Suffice to say, after yesterday, I was HOOKED.  Every day of the week I was hooking up with a new guy from the love list. Kevin, I don't deserve you, still the best birthday gift ever gifted in the history of the human species.

 

Sex is like a drug, love is like  a drug…wow that sounds cool hell, is that a song?

 Anyway, with my new found power, I  had to up my game, big time. On the steamy front, each hookup was better than the last, some guys were…more pleasant then others but, each day I was just checking off more and more guys from the love list, I was almost starting to run out!

 Obviously, as soon as I told Kevin about all my escapades, he could not contain himself with pride.

“You're joking, Kenny said that?”

“Oh yeah, so loud too I thought the guy taking a shit next door would have a religious heart attack and rat us out for sure!”

“You're doing God's work.”

“God's work? You know, that's a dope name for a song!-”

“Speaking of which, can you remind me to drop off mom’s Peach Casrol to the 3rd annual baptist church revival tonight.”

“Most definitely, bro…anything for…our lord and savoir, Jesus Christ-” I bullshited

“Amen brother-” 

“god is good”

“yes he is”

“pfft---Go to class!”

“What class? I didn't know they were having class in the boys bathroom now-”

“Ha, ha! Oh my god, hey…not so loud, man. I know you think you're funny, but be careful dude, people are starting to talk.”

“Talk? About what, the weather? I’ll give thease posers somthing to talk about, besides you know cheerleaders, football players, and the all american alter boys in this town are blinder then Stevie Wonder wearing a blindfold at night, even if they knew, they wouldnt have a clue what was going on, trust me.”

“No, of course they don't know! and they’ll never know a thing, not with me around. But you know how this school is, I know you’ve heard the rumors going around about some “fairy sex ring” in the boys bathroom. And remmeber the deal with the lovelist was to keep things quiet…part of being a rockstar, you should learn now brother is lnavigating your private and public live, and making safcrifes to live one better then the other, if you cant do that, might as well run for the hills now!

“Hmmmm, that’s true, but I say let me talk. One of the more interesting rumors I've heard lately anyway, is finally taking my advice and getting creative. Besides, dude, a little scandal never hurts anyone, especially if no one knows it’s about you.”

“ha! alright well don't get too comfortable, just keep your wits about you, the love list is meant to be fun, but I anapilciarted some…risks. Last thing I want is for some locker room gossip to ruin the list for everyone involved. I mean, dude…is this not the worst possible way to come out of the closet? Mass blackmail, that could be traced back to me and thus the Ewing Baptsit community church, How un-rock n roll, am I right?”

“Ha! god help us all.”

“Oh Lessie, God has never stepped foot in New Jersey…”

“But Ya know,if anyone asks, I use the gym bathroom…for satan worshiping only.”

I quickly gained an unspoken reputation around school, but due to the nature of things, no one could say what it was actually for. So as a result I became very mysterious, and everyone know’s that’s just a gateway to sexy. Before no one knew who the hell I was, always ignored, never adored, I'd still get bullied left and right, at home and at school. But those days are long gone. This is my time now, my time, my story…literally, I'm telling you, right now. In the mits of all my sexventures and wild escapades (the likes of which this school probably doesn't even have the vocabulary to describe, let alone handle.) I couldn't help but notice that the more hookups get into, the more patterns you start to notice. For example, the most macho jocks and military brats tend to be the most submissive behind closed doors. Everyone just acts like I'm as hot as anyone else, they all conveniently seem to forget that I'm fat and weird until they're inevitably insulting me after the fact. All of them so far don’t know my name, they have literally no idea who I am despite choosing to have sex with me. Not to mention, whenever they find out I'm Kevin’s brother, half are impressed and half just grovel to get on Kevin's good side. There was also the constant secrecy, and the assurances that it must stay secret at all costs, desperate to maintain and secure mutually assured blackmail. It was funny as hell to hear the asshortment of last words, self justification, bullshit, and just plain delsions coming out of the mouths of some of thase hotties and so notties. Such as: 

“I love my girlfriend, this will break her heart!”

“I'm aint a fag. You ain't see no lipstick on me dog!?”

“OH NO! WHAT HAVE I DONE! THIS IS NOT GOD'S PLAN!”

“Being in a band…yeah, that's pretty gay.”

“We should maybe make like…a contract for this whole arrangement…you know, for legal reasons.”

“this whole thing, never even happened man.”

“this was all just a bad dream, here, pinch me!”

“I’m not even gay, I’m more bisexual…but you got lucky the girls at this school are all a bunch of slutbags.”

“You know like 10 years ago being queer was the hippest shit man, you weren't with it if you weren't down with free love. We should've been born In the 70’s, man. Like..wait what year it again?”

“Metrosexual, not gay…there totally different”

“What's with all these labels man, can't we all just get along!”

“Actually, everybody has a dick’ man, and everyone’s gotta use it, simple as that. Chicks, have more of a theoretical dick, but it's still there! But you can only go so far on raw theory alone. It’s science man, everyone is gay and everyone thinks about dicks even if they're only in your subconscious mind.-ya ever heard of this guy, Sigmund Freud, he writes all about it, he’s on another level, man.”

“I’m thinking of going to church camp this summer, you know, to get this whole gay thing out of my system. You want a pamphlet?”

“You don't look gay?”

“You know, this whole thing will be a lot easier if you just dress up like a chick, ideally one that looks like…Crissy Duncan, captain of the cheer squad. it won't be easy, but with the right makeup I could suspend my disbelief…I do it for her all the time!”

“I definitely won't be on the bottom, that's like…gay n’ shit”

“Don't you have to be like…hot to be gay?”

“You want to come on this heist I'm planning? Because we need a fall guy, and odds are you’ll have the best time in prison.”

“Between us, who’s the girl and who’s the guy?----1-2-3 NOT IT!”

“Isn't being gay like…illegal?”

“You say you're gay, but…what about Pamela Anderson?”

“Are you wearing a wire??”

“Is it gay to like…poop?”

“Man, You were a terrible lay, I asked my cousin and I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to make eye contact, or like…keep your rings on?”

“Why are we using condoms? It's not like I can get you pregnant too?”

“Father Diamond said that our comune are the only ones who will survive  the apocalypse soon, he says being gay won't be needed to build our new world order. But crime and virginity will be totally irradiated by then, so, I'm pretty jazzed…Hey,do you want a pamphlet?” 

“Ohhhhh, yeah I'm super wasted, man I'm not gonna remember any of this tomorrow.”

“I heard in New York City, being gay is like…a thing? Should we like…go?” 

“I think I'm just attracted to losers, I mean your lame as hell, and my girlfriend is the biggest loser in the galaxy. I don't know, there's just something about being totally superior to another person, that I find to be Incredibly erotic”

“So what is it about butts? Why Butts, you know? What's the deal, why not like…the belly button, that's a much more convenient hole! Was there like…a reason? orrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”

“So if you're really gay…what number am I thinking of?”

“Ahhhhh you know my dad was gay for a few years, back in 69 to dodge the draft, he became like…totally gay for a few months. It was very inspiring really, he’s an American hero. He committed so hard to his cover that he even married his best friend, they bought a house together and everything. He even had sex with him, just to sell it to the VA. I know right, even since the wars have been over, he’s still pretending to this very day?! Can you believe that?”

“So what does Aids stand for?”

“That was pretty hot…how much? Is 20$ to much?”

“My Nana knows a celebrity who’s celebrity a homo, you’ll never guess who. Come here, this is gonna blow your mind his song was on the radio this morning…Elton Jhon. I know right, who would have thought, that guy was gay?”

“Can you suck it but like…while singing, next time?”

And Rinse and Repeat, you get it.

 But to my utter shock, for once it was all going smoothly, all my shenanigans, off without a hitch! Of course every night for the last year in a half Bad Decisions released every night. mostly at Lenny’s Garage now due to my actual garage being notably off limits. Despite a year of semi-successful gigs, we still weren't breaking in. All the while Uncle Frosty kept making the rounds with us, and trying his damnedest to get us a record deal or at least a foothold in the industry. So far despite all the fun we’ve had, he’s done neither. Bad Decisions to no one’s surprise, has been spending an awful lot of time together, so have me and Trent. But after over a year of pining, it turns out he’s straight. Also, the jury is still out on if he’s the Antichrist or not, but that’s par for the course. I mean, it’s highly amusing he’s heard the rumors about the “underground gay sex ring” at school, but has zero clue that it’s about me.  But I can't complain, I got my wish to get to know the real Trent, but the more I did, the more the fantasy slipped away, and the more obvious it became I was, as they say in the industry, projecting. 

But boy, could he play bass. I mean, everyone was doing their part, Kevin had started tutoring me in the classical sciences of course, he always found time in his near 24-hour study schedule, still determined to prevent me from flunking. (Despite him being complicit in me frequently cutting class to get up…well, you know what.) But with graduation only weeks away, everyone was in hell week, and the stakes had definitely been raised. Fuckers in Ewing had only barely started to take the band seriously. But even with mild success playing local gigs, Frosty just couldn't break us into the big time like he promised. 

It was becoming clear we had to make our big debut, all on our own. The 1987 Summit NJ official Battle of the bands, was one of the biggest in the northeastern United States. This year was gonna be one of it’s biggest yet, the best upcoming bands from all over the tri state area will be competing for, (brace yourself) a cash prize of 20, 000 dollars and a real, bona fide record deal. 

With that kind of money, we wouldn't have to be anyone's bitch, ever again. 

Wednesday 

That’s right, even though we were only days away from the battle, we still had what felt like years worth of training left to do. But shit really hit the fan, when Lenny’s Uncle Frosty decided to haul ass back to LA. Leaving us unprepared, and majorly bummed to see him go so soon. We thanked him for all his Help with the band, and helped him pack all his many, many designer trunks. Suffice to say, Lenny was not happy. Because with his uncle gone, he has to move back in with his mom, whom he despises. Alas, his mom hates Frosty and dubs him a bad influence, much to his chagrin. Thankfully for us, Frosty still had some choice parting words: 

“You boys got talent! Trust me, don’t you dare give up. No matter how much she’ll make you pay in alimony, even though it was a shotgun wedding in Peru, and you had no idea what you were getting yourself into!?” 

“Uhhh, are you still talking about us?” 

“Look it was a gamble, turns out The local circuit was just too small potatoes for a bombshell collective such as yours, bursting with so much potential. But hey! Battle of the Bands is next month, why don't I sign you guys up. They love me over there, I’m a judge, I go every year. Ok? Winner gets a full blown record deal, and a cash prize!? How does that sound? You’ll have some stiff compatish, sure, but nothing you boys can't handle. So keep your heads in the game, and you’ll be on your way. Oh and Lenny, don’t torment your poor mother this time around, hm?”

“Man, what mother? You mean the dirty cheater who pays my rent-”

“Uh, Leonard, have a heart, my sister is a wonderful woman. She’s a strong, resilient goddess who has been through hell to succeed in a male dominated industry, alright.”

“What? Like being a centerfold? Pfft, yeah that's male dominated all right, I bet she wish more men would dominate her, anyone but dad-”

“She may have some flaws, sure, but she simply adores you. She just needs companionship, and, don't we all? You’ll understand when you're older. But in the meantime, be a good boy for me, hm? If you promise if you behave and don't berate your poor mother until I get back, darling I’ll take you surfing by Christmas, hows that sound!? 

“...You'll bring my favorite board?”

“Absolutely. Besides LA is such a dreadfully congested place, I’ll be so horribly busy at Capital, so you'll write to me won't you?”

“Anything for you, Uncle Frosty.” Lenny sneared, sarcastically.

“Fabulous! Ok, boys don’t forget, you're the voice of a generation! I shall spoil you with presents I return. I’ve already started counting down till your big battle of the bands victory party next month! I’ll make sure it makes the Sunday paper. Ta ta, now! don’t forget to treat women with respect and sing from the heart!” He said, driving away, down the yellow brick road into the sunset. I turned to Lenny. Jeez, the way he talked about his ex-wife and his sister reeked of second hand experience. Sometimes you can just smell it.

“You ever notice he never has a girlfriend.” I said, giving my side eye.

“Ugh! Gag me with a spoon!” Lenny proclaimed in a huff, as he stormed off. 

“What? It would explain a lot don't you think?!” I yelled after him

“You know Lester, believe it or not, not everyone is a ranging queen,” Kevin wisiwepred in my ear, smirking as everyone else headed inside.

“You know, Kevin! You’d be surprised, I mean his name is Frosty for gods sake!”

“He might be a metrosexual, '' Kevin Coyly proposed, holding the door for me.

“Pfft, metrosexual!? No such thing. That's just code for an expensive closet, and the entire population of Italy!? He didn't fool me, he said Fabulous far too many times.” Kevin just rolled his eyes. All I could think was, asie from Lenny’s inevitable humiliation, I was just grateful the band wasn't privy to this conversation. Because you know, I still amn't out to them, and speculating on Lenny’s uncle was a less than ideal way for them to find out, putting it mildly.

But not all was lost in his departure. Before Frosty flocked back to the golden coast, Lenny managed to get the full Battle of the band’s lineup out of him! No one else was privy to such information, we got to witness the whole scope of our competition, so we could most effectively blaze ahead. We researched all bands on the list, a solid number were death metal groups from Hoboken, made up of ex-cons, and single fathers. 

There were also Viking metal bands with unpronounceable Swedish made up of guys who all look like Trent. There was even a band made up exclusively of ex Hells Angels called Horse Guts, who were grand champion from a decade prior coming to reclaim their crown. As well of course the Rolling Veins, My first hookup, Rubins band, which I had to explain away my incredible excitement to him playing right after us, they were practically opening for us, now that’s what I call a power topping(I learned from the best). Kevin just smiled and winked at me to the rest of the band’s tepid confusion. Kev’ just made some throw away comment about how he had been tutoring him for the upcoming Harvard exham, and how Harvard only has one open spot from our district. Seemed just a random lie to distract from the current awkwardness, but it really was true he was going to his house later tonight, odd how Kevin never mentioned this until now? I mean, I suppose it won't happen until now, but Kevin had been tutoring a few guys for the test, like the saint he is. But Kevin is a fantastic lair, his morals prevent him from lying to anyone but himself, but he’s so talented that if he was, I’d never even know it. Like he’s always taught me, sometimes the most effective lies are in what you leave out. But he was using his own prepared answers for the test, from when Kent took it and got a perfect score and all his endless hours of rigorous studying this past week. All of It was enough to mildly intimate a guy, but we weren't scared, we were fired up! We all knew exactly what we were up against, and we had just enough time to use it to our advantage and get just a little extra edge, to truly stand out, and win by a landslide. Were our methods maybe just a tad…unorthodox? Absolutely. 

But this is a dirty, sexy, money industry, either you play the game, or the game plays you…for a fool. And sometimes when life hands you a crap hand, you have to start counting cards, just to survive. We all play dirty, man, in this game of Rock, so dont judge me, stop! I see you up there, looking down on me, get down from there, and cut it out! *Let he without sins cast the first stones or…whatever, if you were a true man of rock you’d understand! (*You forgot, I raised baptist didn't you.)

Look, I’m not naive, I know there's a whole lot more to getting ahead then just the music. We realized no nonsense, criminal death metal bands were in fashion this year, so we could just be another brick in the wall. It was then when I realized I needed to rethink our true identity as a band, as perhaps Kevin and Trent that embodying a true, all encompassing rock n roll essence might be harder than I thought. Perhaps it was a lofty,unrealistic goal from the start. I mean so far as we’ve been a band, our music itself has been sonically all over the place, from ACDC like hard rock,from heavy metal, to hair metal, to soft rock love ballads. We just can't be put in a box, man, we won't conform to a neat little genre and stick to it doggedly until we inevitably burn out! Rock n roll can't be tamed! I mean it’s a challenge as we still want to be markable. Frosty said he had a hard time selling us in part because we haven't figured out our niche yet, it’s harder to sell a band you can't cleanly market to a single demographic. Our music itself was never the issue, our vistritly was our greatest strength, it was all the smoke and mirrors that needed tweaking, that's the shit that really sets you apart. We only performed in our regular clothes, never even thinking of making t-shirts, let alone specific costumes or band aesthetics! We hadn't even considered stage names, up until this point. But all that was about to change. 

I had my first stroke of genius for the band’s new-look one night on the bowl. I was hunched over, reading the latest issue of Rolling Stone atop my porcelain throne, too tired to even jerk off. I almost fell asleep right then and there, but then a certain Village Voice spread caught my eye. It was full page spread, hidden in the back of the mag. It showed a squad of biker dudes, without any bikes. They were all in leather, head to toe. Leather pants, and Nazi’s esqe hat’s,covered in shinny chains, belts, and harnesses. They were all clad in Leather jackets open to reveal their barely, hairy chests. All of them body builders, with an almost mythic physique, with big black mustaches. They were standing in an alley, in line for a show, positioned in the seediest,most mysterious manor, just smoking, kissing and leaning on each other. One man even gripped the other man from the metal ring in his leather collar, like a dog. 

It was next an ad for some leather bar called the Anvil, that Andy Warhol frequents. I had no clue what I was looking at, or what exactly I had stumbled upon, all I knew Is it mightve been the sexist thing i’d ever seen. It was mysterious, and forbidden like I wasn't supposed to be seeing it. I stared at that page for what felt like hours, reading the ad over and over, studying every inch of the image, the fashion, the attitude, the underground culture…that I’d already seen rockers dabble in. 

It was at that moment when I decided on the band’s new look. Kevin already knew I had a thing for leather, but now we were going all in, leather a whole look, a look that was yet to be fully adopted by a band liked ours. So, the next few days, man, oh man did I come close to getting caught. Hooking up, getting tutored, rehearing with the band nightly. We had the typical never ending arguments over our set, and how they wanted to make last changes to what song’s we’d sing, and in what order. Meanwhile, I kept teasing them with a big new wardrobe surprise. On One especially high-strung night, I gathered a big  chunk of the gig money, and decided to hitchhike to New York City, to see the city for the first time. I’d be back before Kevin knew I was gone. I left a note on my door for Kevin who was out tutoring. I was going there for some brief research and shopping. I hitchhiked with some ex-marine nomad, who was also heading into Manhattan, he was definitely a creep, go figure, but I’d seen a lot of horror movies, I knew to keep my wits about me. He dropped me off on the corner of Saint Marks and 14th st. I heard it was a good place to find what I was looking for. I tried to keep my head down, but was taking notes on the scene. I looked around in awe, I’ve only heard legends as to what happens when you take a walk on the wild side. Everywhere I looked, freaks partying, crimes committed, lights, partying, insane music coming from every stoop, rated x movie theaters, and people making love against a gumball machine. it was everything I fantasized about, and more. I simply couldn't believe my eyeballs, I kept bumping into people “Watch it, punk!” they’d yell, “get outta the way, ya blocking the street!” as I felt like a clueless tourist, a stranger in a Strange land. You bet your ass this is where the band was moving after graduation, I've always known this is where all the best bands went to make it big. This whole town was dying for us to make our mark, it’s fate, man, it really is. But I had to stay focused, I was a man on a mission, I ended up stumbling past the window of this one store on Saint Marks ave, called Trash and Vaudeville. 

 

Their window display caught my eye, machines adorned with everything leather, leather leather leather for miles, as well as vintage coats, hats punk accestories and clothes too cool for human comrphension I almost passed out just beijing in their mere presence. But the leather oh the leather, I’d never seen such perfect jacket, hat ensabnbes, they slaughtered a whole zoo for all that leather, good lord. I looked around to see if I was being followed (you never know) I nervously opened the door, the little bells rang, compared to the night outside. Inside the shop, the lights blinded me with incandescent neon, every inch of the store was covered wall to wall with alternative fashion. Racks and racks of bowas, sequined high heels, leather, mesh, outfits I’d never seen before, every wall was covered with graffiti, stickers, and flyers for various events and groups. I wandered around looking if there were any sales people around, when some chick, with bold fuchsia hair, and an aspirational amount of piercings and tattoos. She caught me checking out the bolton board of posters, as I was reading the one for something called “Act Up” with a big upside down pink triangle on it, I think it had something to do with…aids. (oh no) But before I could read further, the lady behind me called me out.

“Hey, they're having a chapter meeting up on WEST 13TH STREET, everyone is welcome.”

“Oh, hey! No, no, I was…I was just looking.” I said, trying not to sound nervous.

“What are you looking for, Honey, can I help you find something?” She said, stepping out from behind the counter, unlocking a big fat chain lock separating her from the rest of the store like a pig-pen. 

“Just um, you know, that stuff–you had out front.” I couldn't be too explicit, this was a secret covert mission after all. I gave her the sizes of all the members. The sales Chick brought out every quintessential piece of leather gear she had, each with its own unique flair, like I bought Trent a full face mask, but a velvet green cape just for Lenny. Recommend her favorite stage makeup. I had just enough money for it all, I slipped in that she would be seeing me again real soon. 

“What’s the rush, kid?” She said, taking my cash in a hurry.

“It’s for my band.” I said.

“Ahhhhhhhh, very nice, very nice. Have I seen y'all play?”

“Not yet, but you will.” I said, with brimming confidence.

“ha, looking forward to it.” She said, winking at me. 

“Well, If you're ever in town, I’m Genie. I work Tuesdays. Get home safe honey” She said, clocking, I was not a native New Yorker. I smiled and thanked her. Kevin was gonna freak, I just spent the band’s remaining budget on these outfits, and dear, lord they better be worth it. Knowing my band, it would take some serious convincing, due to their floating stigma. But for those who truly Rock, sometimes, risks must be taken. 

Wednesday

The next day, after a week of nagging to reveal my big surprise, that night’s rehearsal it was finally time to unveil it. They unpacked their leather band outfits from party bags with prolonged confusion. I stood there in the garage, still as a statue, with my hands on my hips just smiling like a psycho, waiting with baited breath for them to say something, anything.

“Hell no.” Trent finally said, storming out, dropping the expensive ass leather jacket and harness on the filthy, car oiled floor without skipping a beat. Everyone else followed suit, rejecting the ensemble with visceral repulsion.

“Trent! Guys come on! At least try them first!” I pleaded

“Na, when you said you were ‘investing in a new look’ this is not what I had in mind!? I mean…come on man, we can't wear this shit! Like, What kind of message are we trying to send here!?”Trent whined

“Yeah man, we're trying to stand out, not get booed off the stage!”

“W-w-were trying to be a rock band, N-n-not a g-gay band!?” Beans added.

“Yeah right now you're a lot less Axel Rose and a lot more Franky goes to Hollywood. I thought you were all about pure rock n roll, now you want us to be the Village people? Jesus man, you’ve really done it this time! This is what happens when you leave Lester with a credit card overnight, kids!” Trent ranted, clearly waiting for this excuse to chew me out. 

“Wait, hold on a sec, man! Guys, What about Queen? You know, Freddie wore Leather, and it doesn't get more rock n roll than Freddie! You have to open your mind man, pure rock n roll doesn't gotta be so binary, man!?” I pleaded, having very little idea what I was even talking about anymore. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all…another Bad Decision if you will. Oh good lord, this was a disaster. But I wasn't giving up now, obviously. I knew they’d have their reservation, so I came prepared. Step 1: Appeal to emotion. 

“You know what, Lester, where did you even get all this stuff? And where the hell did you get the cash!?” Kevin rightly asked, looking legitimacy baffled, examining the price tags inside his leather hat.

“Last time I checked, this band is still a democracy!?” I tried appealing to him with his own words.(it always works, just watch:)

“Yes, but last time I checked, no one appointed you secretary of the Treasury! Come on!” Or maybe not. Everyone laughed, mockingly examining the outfits, as if just the prospect of trying them on, was the funniest thing they’d ever heard. But this was not over, I did not spend all our dough and hitchhike all the way to New York city for nothing.

“Look, it may have been a last minute purchase, but you know what? We’ve gotten nowhere all year playing it safe. Playing wannabe gigs at petting zoos and sweet sixteens with Frosty, battle of the bands is our last shot at the big time man!? It’s high time we play for a real crowd, and I grant that none of our compatish, will be making such bold fashion statements.” Kevin made his brotherly pity face.

“I have so many questions, man, what is this madness, this-Is this where you were last night?” Kevin pressed, holding up the tag.

“Trash in Vaudeville” I mean, what the hell is that, man? 

“Vaudeville? Isn't that where Pee Wee's playhouse lives?” Lenny deftly inquired. Being our resident dopey himbo I think he checked out, somewhere around the start of the conversation. Lenny lit a smoke, and forgot to take off his leather hat, to which he began to cackle like a hag when he caught his reflection oil puddles. 

“Look, I know you’ve really been feeling yourself recently ever since you started wearing my old leather jacket, but Les’ this is…is this really the look you want us to go with?”

“Yes. This is it man. Trust me, I bet this is how Kiss came up with their signature glam makeup!? It’s an idea crazy enough it just might work. This is our ogrin story man! One day kids are gonna get high in cemeteries and speculate, how Bad Decisions all came together, man!”

“But come on Lester, let’s be realistic here, we would be making more than just fashion statements with this. I mean, I know you really want us to stand out from the competition, but I think this is taking things a tad far, don't you think? Like I’m sorry but I dont think a bunch of 40 year old skinheads from Ewing would have the most…accepting of reactions to a bunch of half naked teenage boys wearing bondage gear and leather singing about “Love dust”!? Like lets not pretend that situation would end well for us, man, no matter how dope our music is!? I love you man, but I’m going to Harvard soon, I can't be the victim of  hate crime before my first interview!? Let alone take the chance of their conservative stuffy board catching wind of it.  Although, I’m sure it wouldn't hurt my chances with affirmative action…”

“No! Kevin, no! You don't get it, man ! We don't have time to find better costumes! We hardly have time for anything now. Rock n roll isn't about playing it safe, it's about disrupting the establishment man! Not fucking pandering to them.

“You got a point, man. But…we can't all afford to take such risks, some of us have something to lose!”

“Do you trust me?”

“What is this Aladdin?”

“No, I'm serious. Do you trust me.”

“Yes, you know I do.”

“Then trust me on this. Look, bro, you can't deny the potential!? if anything, We could use all the surrounding scandal to our advantage! But we dont even know the crowds gonna have that reaction, this is the summit man you might not be giving them enough Credit up in Trention. Besides All the greatest bands push boundaries, man, and they turn controversies into hits! I spent the rest of Frosty’s money on these outfits, that was only earmarked for battle of the bands related expenses anyway! It was either this or unnecessary pyrotechnics and stage effects that would have looked tacky and burned the whole place down! I went all the way to the east village to get these, I even found your exact sizes! It’s crunch time brothers, the battle is in less then two days, it’s now or never.” I looked around at everyone’s unmoved reactions. 

“Kev’, this is fate. Come on, Would I lie?” I pleaded one last time. Kevin and I engaged in a staring contest that would make Stanley Kubrick piss himself. The rest of the band watched with bated breath waiting for one of us to speak up and break the tension. Kevin finally did that classic “you win” smile of his, and bowed his head, letting out a quiet chuckle. He just looked up and smiled at me and did his classic wink. He winks whenever he’s on my side, and is about to do something totally tubular, and universally beloved.

“Ohhhhhh boy, Ok, you heard him guys! Let’s try on our new official band-wear.” He said, winking at me again, smiling as he knocked his head back in that joyful look he reserves for only me, and Roxy. I smiled, knowing my victory was a small but necessary one, I figured I’d eventually win Kevin over. And when he caves, the rest of the band are soon to follow. Boy, they followed fast, All four of them groaning and laughing in hysteric confusion and latent excitement, at our latest Official band decree. I giggled slightly now, watching them struggle to put on any of their leather swag without an instruction manual. A Trent and Lenny ran to the kitchen bathroom to change, while Kevin, Beans and I undressed in the garage. We tried not to peek or gain perv status by looking at each other changing, though I was likely the only one trying to avert my eyes. We all tried to change as fast as possible, and navigate the complex web of straps and chains that even I hadn’t figured out yet. But we didn't quite need to fully wig out, knowing mom and dad were out all night again, and wouldn't be home till morning. They left Kevin in charge again, so they wouldn't be seeing a lick of it. You know what they say, what goes down at rehearsal, stays at rehearsal. 

“Wow, Roxy’s gonna love this…Ha!” Kevin Howled, finally fully dressed. He turned to face us, looking just as sexy and intimidating as I had planned. He gawked in disbelief, checking out his new fit from every angle. I carefully picked out his full ensemble with meticulous detail. I looked him up and down, he was rocking two viking leather straps across the chest in an x shape, a studded leather belt with a big fat diamond belt buckle in the shape of a fist. Along with a pair of uber tight leather cowboy chaps, as well as a mesh undershirt and a leather doggy choker to boot. I was so proud, it fit him perfectly, and really accentuated his perfect form. 

“Ugh! Lester! My skin is already chafing!” Lenny whined. 

“Lenny, that’s cuz you gotta put on the mesh underneath!”

“Mesh!? Ugh! Les’ I swear, this is the point of no return, you’ve gone full gay!” Trent said, looked more pulled than usual. Trent was such a bad lair, he loved it.

“Well real Leather can be a bit rough at first, If your pussy’s are already complaing about rashes,how the hell are ya gonna make it on stage!? Well it’s all hunky Dory, because I came prepared, and bought some-” I checked the bottle- “‘Professional low fat beef-cake boy oil’ to make sure it’s all smooth sailing, in that department. Think fast-''I tossed Lenny the slippery bottle.

“Jesus christ! Mom uses this shit to cook Thanksgiving turkey!?” Lenny squealed, barely catching the slippery bottle.

“I want to use this? What are we Speedo models all of a sudden?”

“Ok, enjoy your hives then. Rock n roll isn't a painless procedure dude.” 

I finally finished dressing myself, so the three of us turned to each other. Taking in the visual feast of how damn sexy we all looked, it was like we were the rock n roll power ranger assembling for the first time. As Kenny awkwardly smothered himself with Cooking oil. I couldn't afford the real beefcake oil used by professionals, but they would never know the difference. 

“Okay, guys are coming in!” Kevin shouted to Trent and Beans, who were likely done changing by now. Kevin, without waiting for their confirmation, just barged into the Kitchen to get a look in the real mirror. Lenny and I quickly shuffled in after, not quite having got the hang of strutting let alone performing in these platform moon boots, with long enough spikes to poke the eyes out of any passers by. We all gathered in the empty, narrow kitchen hallway in front of the small hallway mirror to see the results of the mirror.

“I-I-I-I look like a N-N-Nazi!?” Beans shirked in horror.

“Ugh! Alright man you got me, this isn't even that far from my usual rags. Except, now I’m showing more skin. Fuck, I might need to get some new tattoos. What do you think of a giant serpent eating itself right on my abs?”

“You mean Ouroboros?” Kevin asked

“Yeah that! It would look so gnarly right here, so all the nasty chicks can get the fucking millon dollar view baby! The Money shot, right here. Oh and if I basically am gonna perform like a medieval stripper, I need to get some tramp stamps. Yeah, right here” He generously pointed right above his crotch to demonstrate. Wow Trent had a lot of tattoos, he was like a wall of hydroponics. 

“Oh and I gotta have a tat with some roses and vines and shit. and one with a big fat downward pointing arrow that reads “Enter with caution” and the big yellow warning sign too, right on my lower back, bam, bullseye! I’m gonna get the whole w, I got a cousin in brooklyn with a tattoo parlor, he’d give me a flat discount on the whole shebang.``Good lord, Trent changed his mind fast. It’s like my mother used to say (at least she would, if she was a good mother) ‘come on sweetie pie, just one bite. You don't know you don't like it, unless you try it!’ But everyone was predictably, loving their new looks the second they put them on. Us, deadbeat Jersey boys having never even graced the edge of such subversive subcultures, let alone dressed the part, it was like I said, expecting that they’d have some pushback at first, but would come around in now time. But I was internally wigging out right now, as the second they saw themselves in the mirror, it was over. They were hooked like Moby Dick. Lenny still had to mock Trent’s curated lineup of new Tattoos 

“Yeah, Trent, that's totally gonna get you laid.”

“Shut up man, the ladies love Tattoos. Maybe you’d have a girlfriend by now if you got some ink, hm?” Trent said, with misplaced confidence.

“Harsh. Maybe you should get a tattoo that says ‘too small to enter’”

“Ugh! Tattoos wouldnt make a different, for a fucking Clydesdale like you, shit is far more dire. Your one step away for being full on Chick repellent”

“Hey, be nice!” Kevin scolded. Oh Trent, you have no idea do you. 

“Seriously, I don't know if it does look pretty sexy in a “This is gonna get us all arrested” kind of way. Yeah, it’s still pretty fucking gay though. but also, not really, man. Like, it’s not like we’re all wearing ascots or have little pet dogs or anything? You know it’s not like you're making us wear frilly pink dresses, or silky robes, we ain't got no feather boas, we ain't cross-dressing, or any of that really gay shit man. The leather thing is still a pretty fringe man, we could bring it over to the mainstream! You know, like Elvis!” Lenny said, in his latest jittery explosion of ignorance. Wow, sometimes Lenny just speaks his mind, you know if he can manage to form and complete sentences that is. It reminds me each time, it’s probably best if Kevin and I only speak for the band from now on. Because we're still the leaders of course, and also you know, to avoid a PR nightmare down the line. Though, I love Lenny as a friend, and he’d probably be remiss to hear such news. But let’s be real dude, it’s almost always Lenny’s type who turns out to be gay. I gave it two years. 

“Alright, Lenny, I think it’s past your bedtime…” Kevin said

“L-L-L-Lenny L-Lester told me all the best rock stars are a little gay, like David Bowie, Prince, even M-Mick Jagger had all those rumors, and dressed in g-g-girly makeup and rags. It’s a R-R-ight of passage!”

“Beans, you always learn fastest-.''I said, giving Beans a well earned noogie, whale passive aggressively smirking at a fuming Lenny. His obvious truth spitting, instantly caused Lenny to cave and open his mind, just a little. Beans and Lenny ended up fist bumping, and bonding over their new outfits, going off into the kitchen corner to geek out in their own little language, they were always attached at the hip even when they were getting schooled. After a minute of vanity gazing, we had to get back to practice, our main set for the Show still had a few kinks to iron out, and man, we're coming up on the wire, so every second counts. 

“Soooooo Kev’, Is Roxy coming over?”

“Nah, test prep ran late.”

“Bummer, she would cream herself over you right now”

“Oh, she will, man. Come Friday, she’ll see our grand reveal, along with the rest of the world. And dude, she loves surprises, she’s got front row tickets and everything.”

“Pfft, ok. But don't go getting anybody pregnant backstage now!”

“Ugh! Shut up man!” Kevin said, pushing me, knocking the cackle clean out of my lungs. We then started to roughhouse on the Kitchen floor. Remaining mostly ignored by the narcissists in our band, still glued to the mirror.

“Ha! Stop! It’s too soon for that shit! Anyway” I said, squirming to escape from his headlock.

“Too soon? I respect women, man! Let's leave that shit up to Motley Crue” Kevin released me, as we both fell back on the dirty kitchen floor out of breath, looking up at the dining table from below. We were promptly greeted by the family of house spiders who live down there. We were panting so loud I worried we might give the band the wrong idea. We just smiled at each other.

“What? Don't come for the Cure like that, man, have some respect for the troops on the front lines of Rock man! Risking their lives for you!”

“Yeah but, they don't respect women. Our band respects women.”

“Hmmmmmm, Roxy has been reading your feminist theory?”

“Shut up! ha, ah Yes! You got me…But even if she didn't, I still have my convictions! Man, you talk about standing out? Respecting Women, not just treating them like sex objects like most rockers, now that would be standing out”

“Ahhhhhhhhhh your right. I do respect women, man, they just…don't cross my mind very often, you know?” I said

“HA! Yeah, Lester we know! But being gay doesn't give you a womanizer pass! You know, we don't gotta be that way. I mean, most guys like us, whichever way they swing, don't have like…an over-abundance of female role models, Man.”

“Yeah, and the mommy issues don't help either, man. I mean, with a mom like ours, it’s a miracle we ended up as chill as we did.” Kevin said proudly. Showing his full nice guy colors. With amazing intentions and god awful timing.

“Come off it Kev. Lennys a dumbass, but Right now, We are way too fucked up to be having this conversation” I said 

 “Oh you mean… just…like the rest of the time” Trent snipped

“Let's smoke a joint?” Kevin said. Trying to lighten the mood, in the only language we understand.

“Lets.”

“Guys were getting high and ordering a pizza? Anyone want pepperoni?” Lenny yelled from down the hall. Great minds think alike, the munchies were always better with pizza from Papi Greccos up the street. Sometimes, It was nice to just Veg out, you know? Two bros, against the world, sharing a dirty joint, and some wisdom in full leather, waiting for pizza, on their kitchen floor…in New Jersey. What a perfect Tablou. 

Hey, I could write a song about this.

Kev took a long puff, giving me more than half to inhale in our small space.

“Ha, ha, you're such a good guy, Kevin.”

“Yeah, No one expects us to be good guys, man. Our parents want us to make money for them, the world wants us to do the same. No one is trying to inspire the kind of shit they fought for in the 60s anymore. No one cares about all that man, ever since they took peace and love off the market. Don't get me wrong, I love the music we make, man, I love the music we listen to on the radio, I love it, man, I do. Music will always be my first love. But I want to sing about shit that really matters, I want to be more than just another wannabe rock star, following the same blueprint to mindless fame and fortune. I just think we could be more than that man.”

“Radical, man. I’m right there with you”

“Yeah, I just, I know we're still getting started here, but…I just don’t want us to lose sight of what really matters, you know?”

“Yeah…I feel you man, that’s just…what it’s all about man.” The buzz had taken full effect. 

“ That's is-what it is man, you can't lose yourself brotha’, you gotta stay true to you-I think we're the first people to say this shit, man. We're breaking new ground—--with our words.!”

“Totally”

That's how you could tell we were too high to continue on this train of thought. A while later we got the pizza, got all the munchies and shower thoughts out of our system. Getting crumbs and grease all over our leather garb, but instead of cleaning it, I decided it would add to the rugged, dirty, gruff vibe we were going for.  All this talk of not losing ourselves in the fame tornado, and the leather solving our bands identity crisis, it got me thinking…like…who are we men? We had the leather,we had the music, we had the industry allies, we had the practice, we had the confidence and the greater purpose…all we were missing was the character. With a mouth full of pizza I made the proposition

“Now, you know what we need?”

“What?’ Lenny asked

“Some stage names, man.”

“Oh good lord” Trent faceplamed

“Well, typically only the lead singer gets one of those…”

“Not true Kev’! Come on, Everyone in Kiss had a stage name man! Democratic as hell! See, Kiss knew what they were doing! …where's the parmesan-”

“Um…I’m pretty sure Gene Simmons, and Paul Stanley are their real names…”

“Shut up Lenny!” Kevin and I yelled at the same time

“Ugh! Kev’, your folks are gonna hit the ceiling when they find you getting stoned on a school night, on Harvard hell week no less…”

“Yeah well they can do their worst, I couldn't give a rats ass.”

“Wooooooah Kevin!” everyone howled at his shockingly rare spirit of rebellious language. Despite being in a band, it’s rare to hear golden boy Kevin use such “unseemly language.” His recent rebel streak was refreshing, ever since he met Roxy he’s gotten his priorities straight, and I was loving every second of it. 

“So, What stage names did you have in mind…”

“Well…” I said, as I whipped out my longest list yet, that I'd been writing for weeks now. Kevin grabbed it and skimmed it, as his eyes widened with high strung bemusement, warniting universal eye rolls and facepalms from all parties. Kevin handed it back to me as I started listing off my top few picks, to be cheered or booed into existence.

“So what about…The Prince of Darkness?”

“Nooooooo!”

“That's Ozzy dude!”

“Ok, ok. How about Tenebris!”

“No, what?”

‘What does that even mean, man?!”

“Darkness in Latin! I see you’ve been sneaking into my textbooks again?” God-damn it Kevin!

“Ok, Ok, fine, how about Mack Lasher!”

“Ehhhhhhhhhhh, sounds too much like Mick Jagger?” Kevin offered

“Yeah but wait that one actually sounds legit, keep it on the back burner.”

“Okayyyyy Lenny, keep that one on the back burner…” and so I did, (Put a pin in this, it will become important later.)

“What the hell is this list? The theme is all over the place!” Kevin snipped, snatching the list from my hand, examining it closely.

“Ok…Kevin. What do you think my Stage Name should be then, Since you’ve clearly got it all figured out?”

“Careful, Kev, once you choose a name that sticks, there's no going back.” Trent warned. Kevin looked at me, still high as hell, he took a long minute before responding. Trying to organize his spaghetti brain enough to produce a coherent answer. If you couldn't tell, Kevin hadn't gotten stoned in a while.

“...I like this one.” He said, pointing to a name on the bottom of my list, his finger drifted ever so slightly. 

“Mickey Fingers?” I asked, surprised and appalled. 

“Yeah, it suits you.” Kev said

“It sounds like a greasy pedophile who hangs out under the boardwalk” Trent said, taking his role as the professional killjoy extremely seriously.

“Alright, fuck it! That's my new name, baptize me!”

“I know dub thee, Mickey Fingers, Lead singer of Bad Decisions, the greatest rock band of all tiiiiiime!” Kevin said, dumping his solo cup of Jolt cola all over my face, spilling most of the floor. Still, the closest I've ever come to god. 

‘Ok, enough screwing around! Back in the studio, let's go!” I declared, being too high to stand, so I just fell back into my seat.

“I think that’s enough rehearsing for one night, bud. Besides, no band ever performed well, high, on a full stomach.”

“Tell that to your idol! Come on, do you really think Bruce Spirgestein! always performs sober?”

“No but, you can when a performer is hung over and off their game, you can always tell when the music starts sucking. trust me, like remember that one time we saw Elton John, he was drunk behind that pain he didn't even realize what city he was in!? Remember-”

“Oh yeah he was like-”

“WE LOVE YOU BUFFALO!” Kevin shouted at the same time in our best fake English accent. Cracking up at the memory.

“ Yeah we don't wanna be like that. So to avoid such a fate, good sleep is imperative. Now It’s late, and it’s a school night. So, Since I'm still in charge, I say-time for bed.” I sighed and nodded my head, Kevin was right, it had been a long day.

“Ok! For tonight, we can call a rain check. But don't forget where in crunch time here fella’s, the next two days are gonna be hell week…It's, it’s a theater term. We have to get this set down, Tomorrow we rehearse from dusk till dawn, got it? No stopping, not even for bathroom breaks.”

“Yes, sergeant!”  

“Shut up Lenny! You guys think you can wear leather now, just wait till you're performing in it!”

“I guess tomorrow all will be revealed! Until then, y'all take off your Leather costumes and be careful not to wrinkle or rip them, that's our whole budget right there!” Beans and Trent scuttled off to the bathrooms promptly. But Lenny remained in the kitchen and simply stripped down in front of us, heh, that was fast. After everyone changed back to their regular clothes, Kevin collected our Leather get ups and hid them in a laundry bin under his bed,where mom and dad would never find it. He ushered Lenny, Trent and Beans outside, helping them find their bikes in the dark. As Lenny and Beans waved and rode away, Trent whispered something to Kevin that was out of earshot. I watched them from the Kitchen window. Trent looked as if what he had whispered was of great consequence. Kevin looked nervous, but he just waved Trent away, looking paranoid as he kept glancing over his shoulder. Something Fishy was going on. Trent rode away, and Kevin ran back inside with his tail between his legs. He slammed the kitchen door behind him and immediately started clearing out the garage, and cleaning the pizza residue off the kitchen table, in preparation for the rent returning home any minute now.

“Soooooooooo, what was that all about?” I asked

“Nothing…Hey, don't sit there, man, go get the broom! Mom and dad will be home any minute now, this place has to look spotless, they think I’m in my room, studying.”

“Ok, I guess Trent told you not to tell me, huh?”

“...Trent? Were you…just spying on us?”

“...Maybe…”

“Ok, man. Mind your own business alright, it has nothing to do with you. You have enough to worry about as it is, with the band…and the Love list”

“Ok man whatever you say, man. As long as he wasn't confessing to fraternizing with the Enemy, I don't care. It was…some probably study hall shit or something-” I mumbled, still convinced they were keeping secrets. But, as a lowly Junior, I guess it wasn't my place to question what Kevin and Trent were whispering about. After all, there are some things that should probably remain unsaid, even among bandmates. Like, the love list for example, thank god only Kevin knows about that, or all hell would definitely break loose. (or the fact I’m actually gay and not just “selling out” for gayer rock n roll aesthetics.) But that being said, I still had a pit in my stomach, something wasn't right. Kevin was acting off, I could always tell when my brother was hiding something. He may be a good lair, but not good enough to fool me.  I finished helping him clean and ended up getting ready for bed by stealing dads favorite vodka in the cabinet. I took a swig, as our highs wore off. I didn't even give a fuck if he tried to beat on be tonight, he’d be too wasted tonight to stand, let alone punch. (he’s been drinking enough to worry Pastor Angles lately. So much so, mom’s forced to drive him home, and to carry him through the door like an overpriced sack of dirt.) I opened my mouth to ask Kevin what he was hiding, but before I could, he was halfway out the door. Coat on, shoes, hat, everything, with two massive Harvard prep textbooks under his arm.

“Kevin! Where are you going?”

“I got tutoring tonight, man. Rents still think I'm studying, just tell me’ I went to the library, ok?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhh, yeah no problem man. Hey tell Rubin I said hi”

“Ha! Will do Lover boi, and before you ask, no im not “fraternizing with the enemy” he’s got Theorems to memorize, Battle of the band never even comes up.” 

“Yeah, whatever you say man.”

“You know, he wants to see you man.”

“What? When?”

“Tomorrow, man!-boys bathroom, 9am, Eastern Standard Time”

“...Ha, but…he said ‘it was just a one time thing.’”

“Well that's what they all say at first…” Kevin winked

“...He also said if I ever spilled the beans that we did the nasty, he’d drag me to his murder dungeon. And yet, with you, he had no issue blabbing? What gives?”

“I don't know man, there's just something about me that…loosens lips”

“Ok, well…be careful, man, with great power comes great responsibility. Ha, but…before you dip, I have got to ask-”

“Les’, I’m gonna be late.”

“-Is Rubin the only guy you've been tutoring for Fridays, Exam?”

“I mean, You know this, man?! There are a few other guys. But most of them hired professional tutors or dropped out, so Rubin’s the only one left. Why are you asking me this, man?”

“It’s just…you know Harvard’s only taking one kid from our district, sooooooo then why are you spending so much time helping your competition to replace you!?

“I like helping people out, man. You know most of Ewing’s population is below the poverty line, and less than 2% get a college education, even less graduate high school. Man, It’s not even going on my resume, I got the answers down stat, I’ve been drilling for the test for months now. That's why I created my ideal answer packet for this year's edition of the exam, (or IAP)that I use to help Rubin study. Kent, my IAP got 99% of the answers right, and You know he knows, he passed the test last year with a perfect score. So If I'm going to Harvard next year, I gotta go above and beyond. You know this, man!”

“Yeah, but Kent never had to do all that. He never had to help thy neighbor, to get into the most prestigious university in the United states. You think Kent would have taken time out of his day to Tutor underprivileged kids, who might then take his rightful place on the throne? NO? OF COURSE NOT, HAVE YOU MET OUR BROTHER? He would just be awarded for being selfish! Just like he is right now, and will be for the rest of his life! The world wants you to be selfish, man.-”

“You never get anywhere that way, man. Kent is a dick, he’s not doing better in life, he’s not doing better than anyone, in the ways that matter.”

“Yeah, Screw Kent, man. Mr. fucking Establishment, he’s the man

! Fuck the man! I can't stand that shit, Rock n roll enemy 1#. All that“Harvard '' crap(blajh!) is enough to give me the runs! Turning out like him, that’s my worst nightmare right there.``

“Spoken like a man of true integrity”

“I just don't want you getting taken advantage of! By Rubin, sure he’s hot you can’t be wooed in by his siren song, man, don't forget, he’s playing for the other team!”

“Is he now?” Kevin raised on eyebrow

“I mean…you know what I mean! You know Mom and dad will fully wig if you don't get in, especially if it’s because you tutored too hard, and created a monster. I know you're the town saint n all, I just don't want you being too cocky and letting him play you for a fool, and swoop up that Harvard spot-that you worked your whole life for.” I unleashed the puppy eyes, looking truly sad and put upon, groveling at his feet for full effect. So he’d really wake the heck up.

“Dont worry about me, man. I have everything under control, alright? Besides, I dont give Rubin the answers…I just help him learn the tools to get the answers right on his own, that's the whole point of test prep. I don't even actually have the answers in question man, the IAP is just my best predictions from a lifetime of non stop studying. Just cuz Kent backed them up, doesn't mean shit, man this is Kent we're talking about, (where do you think I learned how to lie so well?) He took the test over a year ago, as usual, I’m taking him with a grain of salt the size of Pluto. It’s a total grassroots operation, man, no cheating, none of that. Are you kidding? If there was even a quart of anything of the sort, Harvard would smell it and rain hellfire on us before we have a chance to sharpen our No.2 pencils. Man, it’s all Hunky Dory, I think you just need to chillax”

“I just don't get it man?”

“Look, Between you and me, Rubin is a fine musician, but he’s not the brightest. He’s doing his best, but…come friday, he just doesn't stand a chance. At the battle of the bands, maybe, but Harvard? Hell no. I mean come on, the guy’s understanding of everything from Quadratic equations to Copyright law is elementary at best. At the end of the day, there's only so much one tutor can do! You know he’s gotten slightly better this past week though, you must have rubbed off on him.”

“Yeah…literally”

“But, like…are you picking up what I'm putting down?”

“Yes…Rubin isn't trying to cheat off you…”

“Yes! Exactly!…nor is he trying to steal ‘band secrets’ or anything else, like that. I mean you act like he’s a freaking communist, I don't think he’s even smart enough to pull off something like that, in either case. He is on our side, he relies on us, he needs me for tutoring and he needs you for…more tender reasons. He’s not brillant, but he’s smart enough not to do something like that. trust me, I see him every afternoon, he’s the last person on earth you’d select to steal secrets of any kind.”

“....yeah maybe that's what he wants you to think. It's always the ones you least expect.”

“You know, you’ll find life will go a lot smoother when you realize not everyone is plotting against you.”

“Um, everyone literally is always plotting against me though…i mean, just look at my track record!??”

“There's a difference between having shitty parents, and growing up in a dirtbag society…and individual people, part of some grand conspiracy, scheming to take you down from the inside. You know, sometimes you're just being paranoid, dude. Sorry, man, the truth hurts.”

“I think I’ll take a page from the soviets. A healthy dose of paranoia is the one thing they got right…and, you know, the whole Hitler thing-”

“Well, best of luck with that outlook, man. Hey, after our upbringing, I don't blame you. But for Rubin at least, like I know you trust me, so when I say, he’s completely trustworthy, please believe me. It’s kind of hilarious you don't already, like dude, he could have leaked your dirty laundry all over the school by now, but has he? No! Because he’s a good guy, not some knianaving enemy or undercover cop sent to exploit your trust, he’s not some secret agent sent to  take you down for some shadowy mysterious motivation, ok? He’s just not.”

“Actually, It’s more like because of our mutually assured outing and, you know, all the gay bashing that comes with that. Which neither of us want, for obvious reasons. Soooooooooooo.” 

“Trust, mutually assured destruction, what's the difference?” Kevin said, sarcastically. I knew he was right, I knew Rubin probably had zero bad intentions. But, man, I still couldn't shake that pit in my stomach that Kevin wasn't telling me the full story. That something completely fucked, was about to go down. But I know that when I get that funny feeling, it’s never wrong.

“If anything, You and Rubin should be supporting each other. I keep telling you, He’s just like us, dude, he’s an ally. I don't know about you, but for him It’s actually not just for sex.”

“.....What? He explicitly told me the exact opposite, like more than once??”

“Well, he told me otherwise. After monday, he confessed he has real bonafide feelings for you man! Look, don't tell him I told you, I’m not trying to violate his privacy here, but ... .it's true. He really likes you, man. Trust me, Les. Even if we don't win the battle and I don't somehow get into Harvard, at least you’ll have each other.”

“yeah, I guess that would be a nice consolation prize. But rock is my greatest love, when It comes down to it, In this life, you gotta make real sacrifices if you're truly committed to the life of rock. And even if he wanted more, witch im not convinced he does, I would still be getting out of thise fucking town,weather he’s coming or not.” 

“Your drive is uncompromising as always. But I just want you to be happy, man. I don't really give a shit about all this other stuff. If you found someone, who will be good to you, even if it was through unorthodox circumstances. Just because the world’s head is stuck up its own ass, doesn't mean you should throw it all away. Love is a beautiful thing, man, don't turn into one of those rock stars who just writes songs about his heartbreak and regret. 

“One thing at a time! First become a rock god then find a man, hopefully by then it will involve considerably less sneaking around bathroom stalls. But love, like I don't really care about all that cheesy shit, right now it's all just distractions.”

“Roxy isn't a distraction, she plays with us, and Is the bands 1# supporter. And she’s the love of my life, they don't have to be mutually exclusive. you have the same passion, that's vital shit in relationships, dude. And look at that, Rubins is also playing in a band!”

“yeah…against us! Falling for your compassion is so predictable, man! Besides, even if he did feel that way about me, I wouldn't return the feelings. Fuck I havent thought this much about love since last valdtines day when i write you and roxy that beautiful heartfelt love song!”

“yeah a heartfelt love song with about one hundred sexual induduncos. Look, life doesn't always go the way you plan. All I'm saying, is it never hurts to have a backup plan, that's all.”

“yeah, but you're definitely getting into Harvard”

“But I might not? he, you know, none of us are definitely doing anything!? I mean, I’ve had my whole life to go, Kent goes,  mom and dad will kill me if I don't get in but even there is a chance I might not. you know, it's the best school in  the country, man if not the world, even if i pass the test tomorrow and get chosen for my district, I could still not get in, its Harvard for god sakes, you just don't know

 It's good to help people. It feels good, even if it’s obvious you can't change someone, or make them smart, you can still do your best, which is still more than most people, including the school district. It’s a nice thing to do, man, it makes people happy and their lives better. Sometimes in life, that's all ya gotta do, even if the ends don't always justify the means. Besides, what goes around, comes around, so one day even if you don't believe it now, someone will return the favor”

“...Ok, I believe you, man.” He smiled, as I lied right to his face.

“Ok, man. Hey-you did great tonight, we all did, your risk with the Leather really paid off.”

“Yeah, well, let's hope the Luck doesn't run out by Friday.”

“I’ll be sure to pray. Ha, I love our band, man. I never thought I’d say this, but even I would listen to our music, like unironically, I would!”

“Yeah I know! When we take the grand prize, it’s gonna be one big middle finger to everyone who ever called me a failure, and doubt our ridiculous rock potential! I can't wait when we get our record deal, by next year I bet we’ll be on our first world tour, just like the Peppers man. I can see it now, all of us-” Suddenly a horrifying relaxation struck me like a falling piano. 

“Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey um, Kevin, when you get into Harvard, you…won't have time to be in Bad Decisions anymore…will you?” I said, with real puppy eyes this time. Real, non-preformative tears started crawling down my face at increasing velocities. Kevin just stood there in the doorway, letting in the draft, dumbfounded. It felt like he stood there for hours, desperately trying to think of an awnser that would shut me up but not break my heart, Kevin was good at those.

“Lets…not worry about all that right now, man. All we have to do is focus on the here and now, that’s all there is.-”

“Sooooooo, Your not gonna give me straight awnser?”

“Look man, after we win the battle of the bands, (and we are gonna win) we can figure all that stuff out, ok? But right now, I'm here, I'm the lead guitarist and until I'm holding that acceptance letter in my bare hands, I’m not going anywhere, alright?”

“Yeah…Besides Harvard is only a state away, I’m sure our tours will stop at Cambridge, but you know, the band isn't gonna be the same without you man. It’s like you're shipping off to Vietnam, or dying of cancer!? I mean, Harvard-will swallow you whole man, and we can't just replace you!? This is worse than when Black Sabbath had to replace Ozzy!? I mean, I kinda I dig Dio, But-”

“Lester, what did I say, don't wig out man?It’s Wednesday night, nothing’s even happened yet, man! Look I promise, everything is gonna work out, ok. Come on, Would I lie to you?”

“No. No you would not.” Despite Kevin's profound Lying talents, he hasn't ever used them on me. He was still the only one I trusted in this whole mangled world. I wasn't dumb, I knew he would have to leave the band, I just was still balls deep in denial. As it stands, Kevin probably was too, after all, he was best at lying to himself. Where do you think I learned it?

“Good. Now, no more pep talks, I nope you're taking notes on my endless wisdom because pretty soon you're gonna have to give the pep talks, not just to yourself, but to the band as well. It’s all you, man. I’m passing the torch-” Kevin smugly passed me a cigarette, his last. We both laughed, as I lit up. Kevin almost dropped his Textbooks reaching to glance at his watch

“Fuck! Now, I really gotta Motor. I'm already mad late, I don't want Rubin getting antsy now.” Kevin winked, as he bent down to pick up a pencil. 

“Yeah, that is the last thing we want.” I mumbled, thinking of confronting him tomorrow. Thinking of how I still didn't trust him, then of his abs. I never trusted his abs either, they were always a little too perfect,  

“Ok Les’ go to bed, why don't you actually get some real sleep tonight, you’ll need it for tomorrow. Count some sheep, jerk off, listen to the Chili peppers, do all three whatever works-But I gotta go now” He ran out the door.

“Alright man, will do. Hey, did ya hear the Chili peppers will be in town this weekend! We should get tickets” Kevin stuck his head back inside.

“...you're not stalking them again, are you?”

“No…no, of course not! Pfft, that was just a phase.” Another lie.

“Ok, you better not. You crazy fuck, you waste so much time tailing their tours, paying paparazzi to stalk Flea, I mean by now, you might as well be their Roadie?”

“That–that would be a dream come true actually—”

“What, no! Look man, once we take the crown this friday, all the crazy kids are gonna be stalking us, man! I know you're their heroes, but no respectable band leader is content to just become another Lucky? We are leagues above that shit.”

“Confidence is sexy, yeah, yeah, I know”

“Yeah, that and basic respect for privacy. Ok, man, go to bed, it’s past midnight. I got minds that need molding”

“Good talk”

“Good talk, Mickey Fingers' ' Oh god, I hate how that rolled off his tongue. Is it too late to change my stage name?

“Uhhhhhhh I still don't know about that name, man! It just doesn't roll off the tongue right.”

“It’ll grow on you!” Kevin shouted, from halfway down the street. And just like that, he was gone. Disappearing into the night, on his long walk across town to Rubin's place, to tutor his ass, and do god knows what else. Despite kevin’s latest pep talk, The whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. Hell, I hadn't even been to his crib yet. He’s hardly discussed his home life but, part of me has a feeling he doesn't change his sheets. And it somehow made me want to go over there even more. Maybe I should follow him, but…nah. 

I sighed.

Hitting the sack the second I stumbled into my room. Knocking out before I even hit the pillow, on my own unmade bed with unchanged sheets, filled with dirty clothes and garbage. Note to self: On tour, have a mattress backstage, as getting wasted and crashing late will undoubtedly be a nightly occurrence. I 

Undoubtedly I will be hungover tomorrow, more than usual, but I was almost excited about it. Tomorrow was a big day, and every second counting down till Friday felt like a 1,000 years. Like there was a big New Year's countdown, and the ball was about to drop, that, or a bomb timer. But Kevin was right about one thing, I needed sleep. Because as I predicted, my pizza filled gut was spot on. Shit was about to go off the rails, and we were all in the eye of the storm. But none could have predicted the sheer scale of the behemoth shit storm on the horizon. And let me tell you, some things, not even Rock n Roll can fix.

Everything was about to change, for better or for worse. Strap the fuck in.

Chapter Five.

What will you do for money, honey?

Thursday.

The next day, shit was about as chaotic as you’d think. It started off chill, you know School, taking the piss, hearing constant chit chat about graduation next week. Who’s getting what grades, what SAT scores, who’s dropping out, who’s going to what college, whose dad bought them a car, and who’s house is gonna get sacrificed to the party gods this weekend. Meanwhile all I could think about was Rubin. I kept looking at the clock, tapping my foot like a rabbit, bracing myself for the 2nd period bell. When It finally rang, I booked it to the second period, bumping into various jerkwads, lounging in my way, blocking hallway traffic like they owned the goddamn place. But when I made it to class, he wasn't there. Rubin sits next to me, it’s the day before the battle I assumed maybe he was late, up late practicing with his band like I was. But when the class was half over and he never showed, I started to worry.

Fuck, I’ve been stood up. He lied to Kevin about hooking up again, didn't he. Or more likely Kevin made the whole thing up last night to justify their tutoring argument, which I'm still not sold on. I mean, Kevin is the best liar afterall. He’s still chronically prone to softening the truth to protect me, or not bruise my ego. So it wasn't out of the question, he did say it was just a one time thing…and yeah it made much more sense. I mean, Kevins full of shit what does he even mean “more than sex” …love? I think Roxy’s been blowing some steam up my brother's ass if he thinks that’s ever gonna happen. I mean sure, it would be nice…but here, now, with him? –That's just stupid, what else is there besides sex? I mean, that's just dumb as hell, I can't believe I fell for that? 

Ahhh Kev’, still a chronic optimist I see. I mean why would he tell him that over tutoring, when he could have just passed me a note or something. Besides, the whole thing defeats the entire purpose of his love list!

Maybe, he shouldn't have named it the “love list” then, it’s just a tad bit misleading. But you know, maybe the “Sex List” wouldn't have been too conspicuous, so it’s whatever. But right as I finished sifting through my feelings, the bell rang. I left, obviously falling to turn in my homework on the way out. I don't really do all that homework shit anymore, it’s very un rock n roll, and I cut all things that don't reach a certain rock n roll gouda out of my life. Yeah, just no room anymore in my future career for all that extra crap, I had to consolidate sooner or later. Oh, did I forget, I was flunking out of all my classes, yeah, Good Effort Ms. Murphy,better luck next time! Sorry, you're gonna have to keep my flunkage on your stupid state funding requests, you can brainwash me in hell, you fucking prehistoric parasite! I can't wait to never see you or this whole busted ass school ever again, looking forward to writing you into one of my songs, about how teachers suck. Like-the opposite of Hot for Teacher-like that guy in The Twisted Sister music videos! That’s your legacy, unless you die of a heart attack the second you lay eyes on my report card, before you could even go off for the longest overdue retirement of all time!

Sorry for being harsh? Anyway, yeah I officially hitched a ride on the flunking express, but none of that mattered anyway. Besides, so many great rockers were high school drop-outs, I could name a dozen right now. But there's no time. Right as I had just left class, I was approached in the hallway by Danny Frezno, one of Rubin’s old football buddies and the drummer for Rolling Veins. He looked around to see if anyone was watching, everyone in the hallway was locked in their own tracks. The coast seemed to be clear, so he slipped me a note, with paper folded up so tiny I thought it was an acid tab. He slipped it into my butt pocket, shoving it so deeply down my pocket I thought he was trying to send a…different message. But I cut off that train of thought before I break any more hearts, when Danny whispered in my ear 

“Rubin Says Good luck tomorrow. You're gonna need it.” He then walked away as if he wasn't even speaking to me, catching up with his buddies waiting in line for the water fountain. I slinked into the boys bathroom, ran into the nearest open stall and locked the door. My heart was pounding, it was ready to burst out of my chest and start performing Titus Andronicus. My hands were shivering as I peeled open the overly folded note. Great pains were taken to fold this note as many times as humanly possible, it’s a miracle it didn't rip. Man, what the hell does it say?

 

Holy Shit. I had so many questions. Where do I even start?! Why the hell does he not want me to tell Kevin, he’s basically at his house every night, why would he want to keep this from Kev’? What the hell is he hiding!? Also how does he know about my Lunchbox, how did he know there's never food in there. Does he want to get laid…like for real laid, not just sucking dick in the high school bathroom, like…because it’s implying he knows I keep condoms in there, and how does he know that??? What does he want to talk about, and is talk code for something? Did he leak the Love list? Is he just buttering me up to rip the rug out from under me when I'm at his house, Oh my god! That shed, in his yard that Kevin always complains smells repulsive, when they study he said it’s so bad he can hardly focus. Is that his Murder Dungeon? The one he threatened to bring me too if I ever were to rat. And you know what else smells bad, rotting flesh!? Oh my god, is this a murder trap!? Am I seriously falling for this!? Have I learned nothing from watching Dressed to Kill so many times? Oh my god, does he know? Is he going to blackmail me, is he going to turn me into one of his skin zombie sex slaves, and sacrifice me to Satan? He’s already done it hasn't he, he’s been stealing our band lyrics, and stealing Kevin's Harvard cheat code, I bet he’s even seduced Kevin by now…and he’s been trying to black mail him too, to keep their affair from Roxy, I bet he’s been stealing all his intel—he’s gonna use it against us, and he’ll spread our dirty laundry as he’s dancing on our graves!???? 

Oh my god!? I know you're not there, but if you were now would be a great time to intervene!?

Oh god.

I realize, I’ts very possible that I'm currently in the throes of a panic attack.  I started hyperventilating, pacing back and forth in the stall, regressing to my old pathetic self in seconds. I tried to stand on the Toilet seat, to use that deep breathing shit that Kevin always makes me do when I have one of my freakouts, but alas, this is New Jersey, and panic attacks don't exist here. I didn't quite realize this particular toilet’s seat came loose, so before I could pop a squat, the toilet seat flew right out from under me, causing me to plunge in, feet first. but instead both legs plunged straight into the bastion of someone else shit. I tried not to scream like a girl, but I instead hit my head purposely against the exposed brick wall lining the stalls, slamming my forehead so hard in fact some of the rubble being held back by unfinished plaster started to fall on my head. All the loose rocks came crashing down from the ceiling, hitting me in the head, like the asteroid that canceled the dinosaurs. 

And of course, somewhere In the chaos, Rubin’s note fell out of my pocket, straight into the shit cauldron below me. I reflexively tried to Leap out of the Toilet, but…I couldn't quite jump high enough, I jumped so much it was just splashing more shit water all over the fcuking place. My butt kept smacking the flusher every time I jumped, causing it to flush, over and over, but due to the fact my foot was stuck in the toilet drain, It just kept clogging and falling to flush, the water just kept building up, and eventually it totally overflowed. I was freaking out now, it was totally flooding the entire bathroom leaking into all other stalls, into the sinks, and even the hallway!? 

“Fuck!!!!” I screamed 

“What the Hell?” I heard someone cry from the Urinal.

“Ewwww, Grody!!”

“Dude someone took a shit from outer space!”

I needed to escape. This was def con 5. This is not a drill. I could hear people in the hallway screaming with fear and disgust, I could even hear some of the anorexic cheerleaders puke their guts out at the mere smell. It was like a horror movie out there, oh god, this is properly one of Principal Henley's wet dreams, getting a student for something this humiliating, with the walk of shame and everything. Ugh, the smell! I was a gross pig, a grade a slob you know this by now, but now Im drowning in rivers of shit…even I can't help but worry about my lunch's future. I looked above the stall standing on the toilet seat, all the boys had fled and no CIA agents in hazmat suits or bigwigs from the FBI, ready to hand out health violations could be seen anywhere. Coast is clear.

This is my shot to get the heck outta dodge. The open window above the radiator leads to a straight forward jump onto the fire escape, the same one I take to class to avoid the stampedes. It leads right to the back lot, which leads right to the front lot, which is where my bike is. So without a moment's hesitation, I made a break for it, I immediately slipped again on the shit water, stumbling half out the window before I could regain my balance. The window was smaller than it looked, so my fat ass had to squeeze my now shit soaked body through the small wooden frame. 

I was so close to squeezing out the other side. 

But of course, at that exact moment, the cavalry burst in. Everyone in the hallway, the entire student body, the principal, a few cops, teachers and janitors, even Kevin all Burst in like the paparazzi at the Chili Peppers latest tour when I tried to get a picture of a Flea naked. (Shouldn’t be so hard, they all used to only perform naked with socks on their cocks for god's sake)

Everyone must have been unpleasantly surprised, when they were not just treated to the sight of the entire boys bathroom being flooded to the ankles with shit water that smelled like victorian sewage. But also to my full moon on display, as my butt crack had made its formal debut emerging from my slipping wet blue jeans. 

You see this was the current state of affairs, my legs and my soaked, hairy, pimple ridden butt were poking out of the window inside of the bathroom, so everyone storming the Bastille over here gotta see more than they bargained for. And the rest of me was hanging out the other side sticking out the fifth floor window. 

While the rest of me was doing a full on Olympic display of upper body strength just to yank myself out the other side.  Hey, I could write a song about thi-no, too soon. Thankfully, everyone was too gagged and speechless to approach past the doorway, so hopefully it would buy me just enough time ...I squeezed so hard, It was definitely going to leave a mark. This fucking 1,000 year old wood frame was giving me gut splinters and stretch marks, cuts, scrapes and bruises all along my hips, lower back, and stomach as my shirt was riding up. 

“Lester Flatt!! You are responsible for this vile, repubsilve, ungodly display!? I should have known! Uh, cover yourself up, please Mr. Flatt, that is entirely unholy, unpatriotic, and enetrily obscene!” Professor Hinley squawked

“He’s trying to escape!” Someone I couldn't recognize the voice of yelled. 

“I'm stuck!? I'm gonna die here! Please get me out, Help me!! Help me you fuckers!?

“Ha he’s too fat! Ha, his chubby ass is stuck!!! Hey fat ass, need some help there? ha!” 

Everyone began to laugh, relentlessly. I could hear the whole damn school back there? What is this, a full blown event!? Were they putting on woodstock back there for god's sakes, I could hear the whole township, what were they selling popcorn too? Did they cancel classes for this? What are they gonna do next, whip out the grill and stereo, why not have a whole damn potock. Ok you get the idea, there are only so many jokes you can make at a time like this. Ok, just one more:

This is just like when people used to bring their whole families to watch dudes get hung in the town square for not being chairtsin enough, or black linchings in the south, somehow someone elses torture is the same as going to see the new Star wars movie, how times never change. Is that comparison a bit hyperbolic, and tone def, probably. But give me a break im stuck in a window here, im allowed to be fucking hypobolic when a bird is about to shit on my head and the whole school is playing hookie just to look at my ass!? (and not in the fun way) 

I squeezed more and more, so close yet not close enough. Feeling my hips and stomach start to drip blood from all the scraping and shoving, I was pretty sure I was grazing up against a rusty nail jutting out from the lower window frame. I wasn't moving. This window was too small,why does the girls bathroom get the big church stained glass!? (don't ask how I know that) 

Fuck, I was hoping it woulnt come to this, but I know what I must do. 

“Ugh! We can't go in after him. Mr. Flatt, come back here this moment, you are in a heap of trouble young man, do you have any idea how much an accident like this is gonna cost the school!? We can barely afford to keep the lights on, now the whole 5th floor smells like excrement!!” Hinley belted after me, as I heard the cops muttering…why the hell did the call in the pigs? Don't they have homeless bums to be hassling? Who the hell invited them to the party, what, are they plummers now? 

In the heat of the moment, difficult choices must be made. Kevin's precious Leather jacket on my back, knowing he was probably still in the crowd watching me, I tried desperately not to tear or get any poop water on it. I finally got it off, which gave me just enough bandwidth to squeeze through the window to the other side. I tossed the Jacket down onto the lower level fire escape. 

“Holy shit!” I screamed, as I grabbed the window's edge for dear life.  I Forgot how high up the filth floor is. Now, I was literally hanging off the window, dangling five stories in the air, with my soggy shit stained blue jeans falling off, and nothing beneath me but concrete. I tried to aim my body towards the fire escape three stories down, gasping as I tried not to scream to induce further embracement. I could hear the screams and police radio grow louder and louder until it was definfing, like the worst kind of death metal.

Until the whole din faded in the background. I could make this jump. 

I’ve been dropped from higher. I think I’m just crazy enough to make it.

“LESTER NO!” 

I took a leap of faith. The second I jumped, everything faded to black. I expected death, to die a Failure, another rocker killed before his prime, right then and there. Instead, I belly flopped right on the edge of the fire escape, hanging over the rusted railing like an impaled walrus. Mama, the pain was nothing short of medieval. 

“Oughhhhhhhhhh!” I released a primal caterwaul you could have heard in Tampa Bay. I tried not to spasm in pain overtly to avoid ruining the moment, as I’m sure my spectators are dying to know if my clock stopped.  

“Holy shit he’s alive!!?”

Naturally it was Mitchell,and everyone rejoiced. they should thank me, I just saved them god knows how much paper work.

“You can’t kill Lester, man, he’s a different breed!” Some jock shouted

“Don't just stand there, Get him!!!” Principal hinley ordered, looking at the police who had clearly been so enamored with my spontaneous survival, they forgot they were cops, called exclusively to fill their quota and arrest my ass. I heard someone of authority shout from the bathroom window, five stories up. It was right then, moaning in agony, peeling my wet and bruised body off the fire escape. I had possibly broken a few bones, and might need a tenuous shot from being stuck on all that rust, but I was alive. It was at this moment when It really hit me, that the rock gods spared my life for a reason. So with a renewed sense of purpose, giving me the power to move forward in act 2, I did what any forward-thinking, pragmatic man would do in this situation. 

Yep! I mooned, and flipped them off. Feeling more liberated than a feminist in France. 

“Up yours Narcwads! You’ve always been full of shit, so I hope you can swim! Hahaha. Fuck the man! Fuck the U.S regeime! Fuck the SATs! Fuck New Jearsy, and FUCK YOUUUUUU! We are not your muppets, man!! We're gonna rise up one day and all the money you spent trying to turn us into robot-zombies of the state would have all been a big fat-waste! Suck on that!!! Yeahhh, lick it up!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, spitting at them. 

I could tell they heard me from their shocked and offended expressions. But to my surprise, they were occupied by riotous applause. The student body had seemingly gotten on board with my anti-establishment message, as they started pushing and shoving the factuality and pigs into the shit filled reveene. I could hear them echoing my sentiments, even Kevin, the typical school suck up and establishment darling was leading the charge. It was amazing how much framing a native can alter how people remember it. I just unintentionally turned the most humiliating plumbing accident of the twentieth century into a rock n roll, anti-establishment riot against our oppressive school and unjust, sad excuse for a system. Because yeah, of course they're trying to pin this on me, to distract from their inevitable negligence counter-suit. Like, yeah principal Hinley why the hell didn't you fix the god damn bathrooms? Like…you know, so they're…pfft, I donno- SAFE for students to use…like, God forbid he actually does his fucking job!?? I mean you think they would, with all that precious tax payer money they won't shut up about.

Now, I didn't want to get too cocky and risk being chased down, so I booked it to the parking lot, making a mad dash straight to my bike. With cheering and riotous barking slowly fading into the background I peddled to the metal, assuming I’d be trying to outrun a police car next. I gained speed, and toar as down the main road, past pitch quite as the neighborhood was too obedient to hear. I rode so far, so fast, but unlike most times, I didn't feel like I was trying to outride myself. I left everything behind, almost hoping for some kind of domestic terrorist to blow up the school and make a big action movie explosion behind me. Man, there's truly nothing like it. A good old fashioned ride, I even let my arms go and held them in a T pose as I rose with just my feet, like Jesus on wheels. Truly at that moment, more than I’ve ever felt before: 

I didn't give a shit. 

And not in the mystic, sardonic, putting up walls for self-protection kind of way, but the…finding out what really matters. Despite my latest stage in liberation, I couldn't shake giving a shit about a few w things just yet. 

I still kept looking over my shoulder for police cruises, a result of my mostly justified paranoia, and still being truly spooked that they were even called for a situation like that. Like don't they have…crime to investigate? Maybe a protest to break up, or some rapes in progess? But no, school plumbing. Man, I can't make this shit up if I wanted to.

Fuck it, all that seemed so trivial now. I mean, there were only two more days of school left, I think it’s safe to say that I’m never going back. I was putting off my flankage for months, but now, It’s really over. It’s cool beans though, high school was never really my thing anyway. Those fuckers could never handle my raw star power. Bet you 10 packs, that they’ll be lined up to buy my latest record by next fall. That's just how it goes man, they treat you like meat when it suits them, then when you're topping the chart, they sing a totally different tune.

I can't wait to be petty, and not let them backstage at my shows, for being jerk wads through and through. I’ll even call them out in the crowd and get my fans too boo and haze them. But, as fun as fulfilling that fantasy would be, Kevin was right, we shouldn’t be one of those bands. Who doesn't dump any more good shit back into the world. 

Not us men, we will only stick it to them by rocking. 

Tomorrow, school will be out for summer, and that record deal will be ours. That night, rehearsal raged on, in dads garage no less. He was too worn to kick us out now, he had just been fired from his auto shop and had to sell all the car parts he was keeping in there for scraps. Tonight, hunched over a whiskey bottle and an unemployment check the old bastard just didn't have it. It was high time he took a hint. He learned the hard way, he can't beat the talent out of me, and this “stupid hobby” is about to make me rich, stupid rich. But unlike Kent's future wealth, he won't be getting a penny of mine. That's how it works right? In his precious Free market, that's just the natural order of things. But tonight was major, it was our last practice before Battle of the band’s! It felt like the end of an era, I grasped my mike stand harder than ever, like It was about to be yanked out from under me. After weeks of non-stop rocking, yes, we finally got our set locked down, Leather and all. Our opener, we decided (predictably last minute) would be “Jersey girls' ' as it’s a crowd pleaser, and with new updates Riff, courtesy of Trent, would best show off our sound.

So with all the confidence of a seasoned lineup, we stuck the final landing of the song for the 500th time: 

So if you're a jersey girl!

Why don't ya come arroooooooood!

Ugh!

Yeah! Just come in with those drums Beans, and take us home Kevin with that guitar riff, just like that! Yeah! Everyone stopped and dropped to their knees, out of breath. Now, that's what I call a set. I was sweating so much in this leather, I don't know how a cat woman does it. I was wetter now then I was in the literal shit storm this morning, or my long shower afterwards for that matter. But when it comes to rock, if you're not sweating, you're doing something wrong.

“WOW! woah, I need a minute!” Kevin said out of breath, taking a fat swig of water.

“Bitchin!” Lenny cheered, wiping his brow.

“You know what, guys, I think we're golden. Now, I'm not just saying this cuz I love ya, but we sound good. Like unrecognizably good.”

“This is the best we've ever sounded.” Kevin said with the seriousness of a Soviet diplomat. He wasn't wrong, this is definitely our peak performance.

“Let's go again.” Trent said, in between cigarette puffs

“Yeah, but you know we're perfect right now. Like we're exactly where we need to be, man. Last thing we want is to over rehearse and end up overthinking the whole number, which will rub off on us tomorrow. Man, as a pro-bassist, you of all people should know the value of quitting when you're ahead.” I said to Trent, with intense certainty. 

“Man, ugh, No It’s like 11pm, we got time. You know no set is ever “perfect” we can't get cocky, dude, sure we sound rad now, but you don't think all those bands are drilling their sets until the crack of dawn, until their hands bleed?”

“Well, if they're under-sleeping with bloody hands they’ll be off their game, won't they? And we’ll be at an advantage. We’ve researched the competish, we know we don't gotta worry about those dinosaurs, you know why?”

“Why, man?”

“Because we got something they don't!”

“And, what’s that?”

“Passion, man! We got that youthful shit, that bright-eyed, young ambitious, love and devotion, sweet emotion-dedication to the craft! We got it all going on, man, all these sold out washed up jokers haven't had in years!  We're young, hot, talented as hell, raw, and we have nothing to lose, we're the next generation of rock, brother. AND to boot, there's no blood on our hands, man. That's what we got!”

“Yeah, but so does Rolling Veins! I know they're rehearsing right now. but something tells me they have something else on their minds tonight?” Holy shit, did Trent know? The looked right at me, holy fuck, he was onto me.

“Nope, I’m happy to say my brother's right on this one. Our set is as good as it’s going to get. It was incredible, guys, I can't believe how far we’ve come since last summer.  We are gonna kill it tomorrow. Screw all the haters man, we are gonna give it our all and…that's all you ever can do. But sleep is something we haven't been getting nearly enough of recently, so tonight! Let's go to bed.” Kevin said. Throwing his arm around me.

“Oh yeah, Kev’ you need your beauty sleep, man! You have your big Harvard test tomorrow!”

‘Yes, 10am sharp. But I won't get the results till Monday! I mean,  you’ll be at graduation so, believe me, you’ll find out soon, along with the rest of Ewing-”

“Well yeah if you get accepted they’ll milk that for every drop, man, especially since you're valedictorian this year. I mean, they just want another Kent, you know, success stories bring in the big bucks-”

“Trent, what college can I find you at next year?” Lenny asked. How, with this crowd, do we only talk ever about rock n roll or college? You’d think we’d pick a lane by now.  

“Y-y-yeah Trent? W-w-itch one?”

“suckmycock unvisrrity” 

“Wow! Where is the-wait…” Lenny said, like the gullible dolt he is.as we chuckled at him expect brans who cling to his arm and reflexive glared in our general direction. Trent sighed.

“NO! Pfft, you kids really think my ass can afford college? Nah, I'm smart enough to get a stupid scholarship,sure but I just couldn't give a rat's ass. If this whole bassist thing doesn't work out, I’ll probably move back to Portland, work at my cousin's tattoo parlor or open a dog shelter for battered bulldogs, like the one I got Lupus from. Or I’ll fucking stay here for the rest of my life and probably die in jail, like my old man.”

“Wow, Trent, way to bring down the mood, man!” Lenny shrieked

“Shoot me, I'm a realist. Besides College is so un rock n roll as you nut jobs like to say. Fuck college, man. You shouldn't need to break your back, give up your dreams, and drain your bank account, just to learn a bunch of nonsense that has no real life applications, just to get a decent job. You shouldn't have to sell your soul just so you can afford to survive in this bullshit country. But our Kevin doesn't care about all that, he’s gonna play by the rules and thrive doing it. But he’s still gonna raise some hell at Harvard’ while he’s at it, isn't that right, Doctor Scott!” Trent said, giving Kevin a noogie and throwing him around like he was a banana peel. Kevin just smiled, and shrugged like this wasn't the first time he and Trent had this back and forth.

“Hey, I heard Ivy League chicks give the best head.” Lenny said, with his mouth hanging down like a brain-dead Dalmatian. 

“Y-y-yeah, because they g-g-got the b-b-biggest b-brains, man!” Beans said, sending Lenny into a goofy chuckle fit. 

“Shut the hell up, dipshits!” Trent said, yanking Lenny and brand around by the earlobes, roughhousing and bumping into the drums, almost knocking them over.

“So, how are the twins, man?” Trent asked Lenny and Beans still in his headlock, taking another puff. It was clear that everyone being drunk and tired of weeks of rehearsing on a military schedule was starting to unravel whatever was left of our decency. 

“Their Bitchin! What’s it to ya?” Both Lenny and beans belted at the same time, (without Stuttering, so you know Beans meant it)

“Which twin is your girl Len’, June or Jennet?”

“Pfft, I don't know, man, god knows I cant keep em straight!?”

“T-t-the one with the T-T-tramp stamp i-s mine!”

“They both have Tramp stamps, dufus!”

“N–n-no! The o-o-one with t–t-the one w-w-with my n-name o-o-on her a-ass, that’s m-my g-girl, man!”

“You freaks did not have the twin tramps stamps of your names man! Oh my god!”

“Did too man, she was into it too” 

 “Ha! you imps expect me to believe that? No girl would have “beans” tattooed down there, that is just nasty! Must be June, she had the smaller tits, so Beans, she must've been yours.” Trent continued messing with them for his kicks, and our immense entertainment.

“No, we did man! Those bitches worship us, right Beans?”

“H-h-hell Y-yeah!” 

“Ok you guys need a time out. Remember rule #1 of the band, say it with me now-” Kevin finally brought the hammer down, I was wondering how long he’d last listening to this crap.

“1-2-3, Everybody-’

“RESPECT WOMEN!”  Everyone in the band mockingly parroted.

“Yeah, guys, come on, I know we're tired, but let's not descend too far into madness now. I mean, we can't be discarding our morals before we've even played? Never forget, we're not Motley Crue.” Kevin preached.

“Ok, whatever you say, altar boy. But Quit ragging on the Crue man, If anything, we should be trying to be more like them. I mean, every band has groupies like Kev, it’s not just the Crew, every band is fast and loose with chicks. But we love babies too much to be a “sexist” man, we treat them like the angels they are. Pfft Sexism, I mean how does that even work?” 

“Sexism works just fine man, in fact, it's working right now-”

“Oh Come on Kev get off your high horse. You know what goes on backstage, don't be naive” Lenny pried, stealing another one of Kevin's bruski’s and taking a sip.

“Oh good lord Lenny, you better leave before Roxy comes over, she’ll beat your little hobbit ass for talking like that. Besides, it's late, unless you're sleeping over again, time to run home.” Kevin said, in a fatherly cadence.

“Wait, Roxy’s coming over?!”

“Yeah man! She’ll be here any minute. dude, gimme me!” Kevin snatched his beer back that Lenny had been drinking. Lenny quickly sat up on the floor, cleaned himself off, wiped his face, and slunk back into submission at Kevin’s authority. He came correct almost immediately like a jilted child. Kevin’s good influence was certainly a valuable asset, keeping us all in line from devolving into the worst Rock Star tendencies before it was too late. Kevin really was the dad of the band.

“Yeah guys, when you get home, why don't you call the twins, make sure they got tickets. And while you're at it, why don't you ask how their day was, tell them you love love them n shit, you know, like an actual person.” Kevin said, Dragging Lenny and Beans into the kitchen for a good scolding. But he left the door open so we could still hear and see every outrageous thing that was going down.

“But make sure you can tell them apart first !” I yelled.

“Jesus Christ, how the hell are you gonna make it in this business, if you can't even tell your fucking girlfriend's apart, man?” Trent pried.

“Who needs to tell anybody apart, man? We're gonna have a different lover every night, remember?” Lenny said, quoting me. 

“Yeah, one-night stands don't give you an asshole-pass? You still gotta be a non-peice of shit for that night.  You know, you sound like a grad A. dumb ass, man. I’m wondering if they twins are sound of mind to date a couple of wannabe rocker-jackwads who are drunk off their balls, really trying to argue that sexism is ok.” Kevin said, crossing his arms asserting parental dominance like a mama bear ready to spill hiker blood for her cubs.

“Yeah Lenny if there’s one thing chicks can’t resist, is a 16 year old chauvinist who can’t hold his liquor” Trent said sarcastically 

“Well, I don't see the ladies banging down your door, Trent!? Mr too cool for school, man, who are you to tell me how to handle chicks? Yeah, Mr big shot- ”

“You're lucky I’m not handling you, because I would manhandle you so hard, you’d become a chick man. Fuck it, you two need to be sedated.” Trent sighed.

“Yeah Trent, maybe you need to join Les’ in gay town over there, because you don't know what the hell you're talking about.  Pfft you're just jealous, because once we hit it big, I’ll be getting more snatch then a flea market” 

“God I hope your girlfriends know you’ll be cheating on them with every groopie on the East Coast. Excuse me, while I pray for their souls. Also ‘gay town’ is Everywhere because I won’t be put in a box, ‘Lenny Bruce’, you're not funny ” I said, getting up walking to the kitchen, slipping out of my stage gear behind the kitchen counter. I could still hear their drunken debate booming from the garage, god they were screaming all of ewing could hear this unsavory exchange, we already had hearing loss I swear.

“We don't even need to remember their names, or faces, man. Just rock n roll and free love, no rules, no fear, never being tied down man.” Lenny ranted, I could see him wigging out the kitchen door, drinking from a flask, lying on the floor, doing weird sexy yoga, stretching his leather pants to the point of ripping and laughing at nothing.

“Y-yeah b-best p-part of m-making o-out with chicks, y-y-you don't h-have to t-talk t-to t-them” beans said, lying next to Lenny just kind of tripping balls. Lenny looked at Beans with sudden sympathy. Damn, that was kind of depressing, poor Beans. Little does he know, when it comes to lovin’, talking is the last thing you want to do. Besides, with how he plays the drums, his stutter won't cross anyone's minds, I bet even Tommy Lee would be jealous. 

“Is that why you're doing it, man, for the chicks?” Trent asked

“Yeah man, that and the drugs.”

“...as long as you keep playing that keyboard, I dont give a hot shit what you do on the side. It wouldn’t hurt if you kept your mouth shut tho.”

“Screw you Trent, you zombie motjerfucker!”

“Look, I'm older and wiser so it’s my duty to make fun of you. And prevent you from becoming a raging sexist clown, as my civil service to society. Rock n roll is whatever you say it is man, if you want to start a cult, make out with Beans in drag in a truck stop bathroom, get a tattoo of on your lower back that says “you need to be this long to ride”, record a cover album 💿 ? I don’t care. As long as we keep making great music, the rest is all smoke and mirrors. Expect becoming a straight up dick, rock n roll is about punching the man in the tits, not becoming the tits``

“Become the Tits?”

“The man! Don’t become the man-look you know what, fuck it. Just don't get arrested and drag us all down by becoming some axl rose ass-shallow rocker before were rich enough to get a corporate lawyer team. Do whatever you want, as long as your brain is at least 1% on, and you're not branding teenage girls, we’re all good. Band is a democracy remember,” I said

“Why Lester, how open-minded of you, last year you would have never let anyone past your strict rock n roll guidelines.”

“Well, I know this may come as a big shock to you  all, but, people change, GET OVER IT!” 

“Well played”

“and you have my blessing Lenny, just as long you're picking the right lovers and drugs.”

“Ugh why do you keep calling them Lovers?”

“Um, why do you call them Chicks, man? I mean what's the deal with that, you know? It’s so juvenile and makes it sound like you're getting it on with a big bird” I said to Lenny just rolled his eyes and kept squirming on the filthy floor. He poured the gin into his mouth, missing entirely, getting it all over his face. I don't know Lenny, calling people Lovers is more romantic anyway, has a tinge of meaning. Also, you know, because not everyone in this band is lusting for ladies. Lenny was so immature, but a good band has a wide variety of peronsites, and of course the lead singer is the only one our fans will crush on.

“Ok kids time for bed!” Kevin said, after everyone had finally gotten out of their Leather outfits, except Kevin for some reason. He folded and collected them, putting their sweaty hyde away in his secret box for the last time. 

'`No daddy, I don't wanna!’ Lenny whined, shit faced.

“Ok, that's enough for you” Kevin snatched Lenny’s Sam Adams, like a baby bottle. Trent, who could hold his booze better, with beans Help dragged Lenny’s wasted ass inside. Jesus I could already tell Lenny would be our resident trouble maker, it’s fine, every band has a wild child that the press eats up. Kevin just sighed, knowing they were all too drunk to ride home by now. So they would need to sleep over, good grief. So Kevin gathered the sleeping bags from the closest, and set 'em up on Kents old impossibly clean floor. Knowing Kent’s old room, he tried to be as tidy as possible knowing how Kent and mom would chew him out if he didn't. Also, dad would be passed out on the couch so he had to cram three teenage boys in the kents closest to the room. Kevin came back into the garage and ordered everyone who wasn't already inside to go get ready for bed. So to clean up the remaining Mic Stands and Amps, me and Kev were the last ones left in the garage. As I stated man, we had all just tastefully disrobed from our Leather but Kevin of all people still hadn't taken off his. He’d only performed in that getup for less then two days and he was already fully seduced by it. He just stood there, staring at himself in the aluminum reflective garage cover. He didn't seem to even realize I was behind him, he kept stroking pinup poses, making kissy lips, really feeling himself. I think this is the most fucked up Ive ever seen him get, he never got this drunk or played this well for this long, espically on a school night. Man, I dig this new Kevin.

“Hey man, is this like…practice for when Roxy comes over?”

“Hell yeah man, but who needs practice, when you're this…talented” Kevin said, in a clearly drunk, delirious draul. Ok, now he’s really playing it up, like, he didn't even drink that much tonight, Lenny made sure of that. He better not be shitfaced for real right now, he was just sound of mind a second ago. Sound of mind enough to rightfully tell Lenny off anyway. Fuck! I have so much I need to ask him, before tomorrow. For starters, what is he really doing with Rubin?

“Awwww Roxy is gonna go gaga when she’s like this!” Kevin said, bending over, to look at the reflection between his legs. 

“You're not worried she might…get the Wrong idea?”

“Whaaaaat, fuck no! This is Roxy we're talking about, she loves all things subversive. If anything she’ll be more attracted to me, for being so bold.”

“Ok well she’s already turned you into a staunch feminist, so I’m not worried. It’s the crowds we have to worry about. But, I’m not even worried about them either, man. I mean look at you! Only yesterday you and the guys were the poster boys for insecurity, but look at you now, full-blown professionals. Just like I always said you were, see, this is why you gotta trust me, I mean look at my track record. I haven't been wrong yet-”

“You can say that again! Last night I showed Roxy my outfit, when she came over after practice, and she lost her goddamn mind man! She practically exploded with excitement, blew little bits and pieces all over me. Tomorrow she is taking the Harvard exam after me, so she’s fast asleep as we speak.”

“Well that's good. What's she dreaming about then?”

“Right now, I bet she’s having a wet dream about me in leather, drawing her nude on a velvet loveseat, reciting Proust, by candlelight, sensually stroking her chin with a feather duster. She said that’s one of her biggest turn ons, or liberations as she calls them”  Kevin said. Jeez dude, maybe you should go to Bard instead of Harvard, you're turning into one pretentious Hippie.

“Wait, you showed her your Leather already? But I thought you wanted it to be a surprise!?”

“ I couldn't resist, man! Ok, ok I lied, she’s not coming tonight, so I’ll take it off now, I just wanted to get one last look before the show, wow. You know. But, there's still something missing?”

“What, man?” 

“More chest hair! Do you think I can grow a patch by morning?”

“You're drunk, that's what I think.”

“What? I'm not drunk!”

“That's exactly what a drunk person would say.”

“Well…you would know, wouldn't you? Come on, let's make sure the Three Stooges in there don't start a house fire.” No, we were not finished. It's better to have high stakes confrontations in the garage anyway, the one place in the house with good acoustics. I yanked him by his choker, slightly gagging him, so he turned around to face me, still wearing what most people would call an outfit that would render one difficult to take seriously. 

“Not so fast, Kev!’”

“Woah dude not so rough!”

“We have to talk.”

“Uh, O-ok man, what about? You can tell me when we brush our teeth, come on man, it's late.”

“No, Stay.” 

‘What, why?”

“Because we need to talk…In private.”

“Ok...fine. But, it's late so spill it Less What is going on?” Kevin said, crossing his arms.

“Uh…” I bit my tongue, what the hell do I bring up first? Rubin's note, that explicitly demands I never tell him about it. Do I ask again if they're really just tutoring every night? If he really knows if Rubin’s cheating off him or not, do I ask him what he’s gonna do if Rubin uses dirt on us to win the battle of the bands? If Trent and God knows who else found out about the love list? or do I just ask if he ever intends to get those Chili Peppers tickets?

“Why didn't you tell the guys that you're leaving the band, once you get into Harvard?” I decided to start off playing it safe. I’ll ease him into it, nice and slow.

“Oh Lessie! Buddy, I told you already, we're living in the moment, remember? Everyone will find out everything when the time comes, plus their stupid, they know on some level me and Trent aren't gonna stick around forever? I mean all bands change members, when starting out, man, I mean look at The Beatles and Pete Best? It was all for the best he left early on, otherwise we wouldn't have Ringo Star?”

“How do I know you're not already Ringo Starr?”

“Oh, Come on, dude I told you it’s all good, it’s just life man, nothing to fear. I told you already, It’s not like I’m moving to Jupiter, I’ll only be a state over. And I promised you, didn't I? That no matter how busy I get, I’ll make sure to be in the front row, at all of your shows. oK?”

“yeahhhhh, sure man, whatever you say.”

“Ok. Is that all you wanted to talk about?”

“No…not exactly.”

“Well, spit it out then! Come on, we don't have all night.” Kevin said, growing impatient. I just had to rip the band aid off. Right now, I decided to only bring up the single most pressing concern:

“Have you bought the Chili Peppers Ticket yet?” I asked, somewhat anticlimactically. Yep, I wasn't gonna ask him about Rubin's note, or the love list leaking, or anything like that. I decided, tomorrow, all secrets would be revealed. Kevin didn't need to worry about it, I was gonna get my answers. All he just needed to do was keep living in the moment. He just laughed, rubbing his strained neck. We both just started cackling, as he started removing his choker, hat and other accessories. 

“If you must know, you sycophant, I bought two–front row tickets for Saturday night! Boardwalk Hall, downtown Atlantic City baby, best view of Flea’s abbs in the house!” Oh my god, no fucking way. He…really bought them!?

“Two? What about Roxy?” I said, smirking

“Nooo, this is just for us. They were expensive too, so you better behave yourself tomorrow!”

“How expensive? Where did you get that kind of money man?”

“It was my graduation gift.”

“Now, you spent your graduation money from Mom on Chilies tickets!? Ohhhhhh my god! Dude you are a legend! Wait, Where are they? I gotta see em. Hurry, the tickets, are they on you?!” I frantically rambled, starting to burn up with sheer excitement.

“Oh you mean…these bad boys?''Kevin confidently whipped out two shiny tickets, which sparkled in the dim dreary garage. I snatched the one with my name on it right out of his hand, almost ripping it. It said my name in big shiny silver letters, it was purple and blue. The ticket had pictures of my rock goods half naked covered in body paint on one side, on the other It had my seat numbers, and so much glitter got all over my hand. Held it, having a genuine holy moment of reverse, I could almost hear the angelic choir swell in the background. I caressed its edges and textured, I cradled it like an injured butterfly.

“Ok take it easy there, man, it’s a ticket not baby Jesus” 

“I kid you not Kev’ you are a fucking saint, man. DO you have any idea how long I've been wanting this, it's a dream come true, man! You really came through this time, like…I don't even know what to say, man! Thank you! I mean fuck, how did you get these in time? I checked, they're all sold out!”

“Well, I know they're your favorite, and I promised I would get them , didn't I? And you know, your big brother is infamous for being a man of his word.” 

“Wow, but Wait?! Didn't mom make you swear on the bible you would spend it on a new car for dad?!”

“Yeah, and that's exactly what I did. I spent half of it on a loan for dads new Berwick.-and the other half on tickets. ”

“But dad hates Buewicks.”

“Yeah, well tough titty, dad’s an ass, he’s lucky I'm buying him a new car at all, with my money. But you know I wouldn't waste any big bucks on his sorry ass, I didn't suffer though three years of Ap Econ for nothing, man.”

“Man, but that's such bullshit, dad doesn't need another car! He wasted our whole lives trying to fix em, and avoid getting his Hummar repaired untill the fucking weels gave out. Why even give in, why even do what he wants from you at this point, like you’ve done your entire life!?  He’s banking on you gifting the money man, the car is just like that salve color, that he will never remove until you tear it off! Don't you see, it's a test of your loyalty man…don't let him make you his cash cow again all over again!?”

“That's the thing dude, the cars are not for dad, they're for me. So I can drive myself to campus, and anywhere else I damn please. I'm just saying the Bewick's his to get him off my back…why? You really think after all he’s done, I’d still use my hard-earned money to get him a shiny new car, now way!” Kev, you son of a gun

“NO WAY! Ohhhh, man, That is totally outrageous! Dad is gonna run you over with what's left of his old Hummer when he finds out!”

“No he won't, because he’s never going to find out. The bastard doesn't know shit, and we're keeping it that way. Besides, he’s hardly been a father when it counted, so I think it’s high time I get compensated for all my time and labor role playing as his son.” 

“Righteous! Dude, I'm overwhelmed with all the badassery on display right now. Like I can't even believe what I'm hearing, who is this sexy, confident lead guitarist, Harvard attending, ladies man,-bonafide badass before me!? Like damn, who are you, and what did you do with Kevin?!” I gushed

“Ha, ha, Kevin is gone, he took a much deserved vacation. You're in the presence of Rock Hardy.” Oh my lord, gag me with a spoon! What the hell did I just hear? Rock Hardy…is that supposed to be his new stage name. That might be the single gayest thing Kevin’s ever said. We both squinched our noses holding back laughter, as he led us both inside. We shut the door to the garage, we walked past Kent's room, where Lenny and Beans were passed out on Kent's old bed, practically on top of each other. Trent was still up peeling a lemon in his bed, for god knows why. Until we made it to Kevin's room, I finally cracked up and fell to my knees, laughing harder than a heart attack, rolling around on the floor. 

“Get a grip!”

“Rock Hardy….haha, ROCK HARDY? ha ha, I -cant breathe!!” I continued cackling, rolling around at Kevin's feet like a beach ball, grasping my gut.

“What? It’s my new stage name! Mr. we all need stage names now, you didn't think you were the only one getting a bodacious new name, did you? I thought you’d dig it?''He hilariously tried to plead his case, obvious to how stupidly silly he sounded. He slid into his room and undressed with the door cracked, as we just kept laughing. 

“Rock Hardy? I mean come on dude, If you're so worried about getting booed off the stage for looking too gay, that name will not help our case.”

“Ok, well your name is Mickey Fingers, for god’s sake man, don't be a hypocrite! That's worse than being a sell out!”

“Um…Kev’ you're the hypocrite, because you chose that name for me remember? Besides, I’m thinking of changing it anyway.”

“To what? Rocky the rockin rockity rock who rolls?”

“No barf bag! I haven't decided yet.”

“Maybe you could bring Mack Lasher off the back burner then?”

“No, it sounds too much like Mick Jagger, right?”

“I mean, I wouldn't worry too much of people getting you two confused, man”

“Shut up! Dude, you know it doesn't even matter cuz one day, I’m gonna be more famous than him, and those infamous lips will just be a wet stain on my million dollar cheek.”

“Wow, I gotta envy your foresight man, wish telling the future ran in the family. But the question remains, what kind of cheeks are we talking about here?.” Kevin said through his cracked door.

“I mean this is Mick Jagger were talking about, so, who’s to say”

“I think, your stage name will come to you…in a dream”

“Or an acid trip…I've heard some of the best have, like…Flea, read in a Mad. magazine he got that name on a bd Pcp trip, where an Fleas made love to his mother and slowly slipped up his brain”

“...ha! Well, don't believe everything you read in Mad. Pretty soon your head, will start getting real big-” 

“Hey! Alfred e. Newman’s head is totally normal sized in real life!”

“Ha wait-You think he’s a real person…Also, isn't Flea his real name?”

“No! It’s not his real name dipshit!? What kind of question is that, you drunk noodles!? I worship Flea and the chilies every night. I've been following them for years. I should be the premiere chilies expert in North America, and you're telling me you think Flea is the man's real name!? You gotta be shitting me!”

“Ok what’s his name then?”

“Michael Peter Balzary”

“Yeah…I like Flea better.”

“Can you hurry up there, don't we gotta get to bed so we can have some stage name-premanations, I mean I bet you five dollars I’ll dream up a name so badass, it has to be in another language man, something cosmic.”

I said, as he finally bursted out of his bedroom in his soup can pajamas, leaning coyly against the door frame. God, his hair was a teased out mess from rehearsal all night. It looked like he’d either just finished bumping uglies with Roxy or being electrocuted by god.

“well, I was joking dreams aren't really a reliable method, I would lend you my thesaurus, but I’ve been told the best stage names just come to you, you know naturally, in the moment…with experience, i've heard you don't choose a name, it chooses you, real spiritual like. Or, you know, sometimes it just comes down to if the name sounds cool, rolling off the tongue-” 

“I mean, that's good, because I can't even remember my dreams, man, you know unless it's a Bodacious wet dream, or a doomsday vision, or a nightmare about being murdered by dad, or dying a failure-”

“Ok well, also most of your favorite bands don't actually use stage names? Why not use your real name, Lester Flatt actually rolls off the tongue quite nicely, I could easily Envision it being announced by some coked up Mc.”

“Really?”

“Most definitely! Hey, speaking of sexy names, how was the Love-list cruising today?”

“Um, thanks for asking, man, but I think you know the answer to that?”

“Um no I don't, that's…why I asked…?”

“....Uhhhh”

“ok I get it, that's your private business man, I don't have a clue about all that, In fact, I don't even know what we're talking about right now! ha ha”

“Ok! man, I mean you know this week’s been amazing, you know most guys have nothing to write home about, except you know a few expectations…”

“Like Rubin?”

“Shhhhhhhhh! No shut up! That's mentally ok, like who the hell even cares about him! He’s a raging Spaz, that's common ficiking knowledge at this point! Like…what-why-w-WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP BRINGING HIM UP!??-” I said getting flustered as all hell, oh good lord was I blushing, I just couldn't contain myself anymore man! Why did Kevin bring him up? I'm on the brink of spontaneous combustion. Right now, I'm only one slip up away from spilling the beans over note and everything else.

“Well anyway, I mean after today I don't think anyone will ever be turned on by me ever again.”

“What? Why?”

“What do you mean, why? The whole craptasophe today! You know, Everyone blaming me for causing the flood of shitwater that broke the toilets! Getting the cops called, falling five stories out a window and showing my bare ass to the entire school!?”

“Oh yeah that…pfft, dude who cares! You can't let all that bullshit get to you, no pun intended. I mean, half the school’s already seen your bare ass by now, so-”

“ha ha, very funny…sorry you had to see all that, by the way.”

“Ah, don't apologize man, it was the most fun I've had in the second period since we reenacted the trolly problem. Besides, who do you think was the one cheering you on when you cursed out the cops? That was most triumphant, of course everyone was cheering you on after that, you're definitely a legend now. Surviving that fall, AND Flipping off the pigs, pfft, I cannot think of a single guy who wouldn't find that sexy''

“Ok, man I can tell this is another one of your your ‘make Lester feel better speech-’ well you don't have to waste your breath”

“Is that what they're calling it now? Hmm, has a nice ring to it”

“Well quit lying just to make me feel better man, I don't care if it has the nicest, ear tickling rings to it!?”

“I'm not lying, you know…I cannot tell a lie, besides you know what Mark Twain always says “Tell the truth, it’s easier, to remember” because it is true man, any man worth his salt wouldn't ditch you over toilet-gate today, if anything you’d both have a good laugh. You know, a sense of humor lasts a lot longer than a hot piece of ass.” Kevin said, trying to console me.

“Well, I just think that you're a real pussy man. Come I can take the truth, I mean come on, it was fucking hanous, man! You don't have to sugar coat it man, I'm not stupid! I know I made such a fool out of myself today, even if it was by accident, all anyone says is the flood, and how I was too fat to fit through a window! No guy would ever find that attractive if  he did, next i'd probably be adding him into a psych ward! You don't need to lie, it's just clear you think I can't handle the truth, but I can, everyone has no problem telling me the truth all day, every day. But for some reason you of all people, just can't seem to give it to me straight? How the fuck does that work, man?” Kevin looked genuinely hurt. I don't know how things got so personal so fast.

“Lester…why do you always assume it’s a lie, when people say they love you.”

“Because man, I know what I am. It only makes it worth it that my own brother can't seem to handle it. I’ve been a failure all my life man, I know it, I've owned it, I'm trying to change it but I can't do that…if you keep pretending I'm not.”

“Oh, sorry? Would you rather I just bully you like everyone else?”

 “No! Just, sometimes you're just too nice, not to mention unrealistic, like you're trying to project me, but I'm not a kid anymore, and I don't need your pity. Like, lets face facts, It was the most humiliating thing ever, everyone saw my ass, evryone saw me get stuck in a winoow, everyone thinks I shit atomoic bombs!And to top it off, now they know I have butt achne, and saw me fall out a fucking winodw to what shouldve been my death, all before the bell rang. If I saw some guy do all I that, I wouldn't touch him with a 1,0000 ft pole, let alone see his band play or make tender love to him!”

“Who cares man, like honestly who gives a rat's ass. You dropped out man, before even expelled man, you had one foot out of that place since day one, you never gave a shit what any of those meatheads think, why start now? Face the music man, the school years over, we should be celebrating, man, you never have to see any of those jagoffs ever again! Besides, If it makes you feel any better, most of those apes on the football team laughing at you are too busy peaking in highschool, pretending to shower, not getting it up for their girlfriends, and being on the lovelist, to ever be in a position to judge.”

“Alright man, thanks. It was still gross though, I’ve never related more to the pigs in an animal farm in my life.”

“Wasn't it wonderful though”

“What? Swimming in shit!?”

“No, making love.”

“Good grief. I thought you didn't wanna know my “private business”

“Well yeah, but I'm your brother and I wanna know who’s good in bed and who’s not. I wanna know it all, every last scanpan detail.”

“Wow, ok. Ha, Why do you wanna know so bad Kev’?sounds pretty gay to me…”

“Just spill it”

“Um, well, all the jokes were lame and turned into little bicthes the second…um….you know”

“What? The second what?''Awkward moment, alert. I don't know if I just became a prude, but this is too weird. I cant talk about this stuff with my brother, that’s like shitting and fucking where you eat. I felt suddenly ashamed, the whole point of a secret hookup is that you never have to talk about it again.

“uhhhhhhhhh yeah, Kev’ this is weird, you're my brother, you don't wanna know this stuff anyway…”

“I actually do, not trying to be a perv I just wanna make sure you got good use out of the lovelist ?”

“Oh I did, don't you worry. I'm glowing, isn't that evidence enough?”

“Ha, how many names are left?”

“I actually finished it! Yep, went through every last guy on the list. So trust me, man, best birthday present I've ever gotten, Im sure your football buddies are overflowing with glowing reviews, so you don't need to know-”

“Yeah, but like…I know you've been running out of condoms in that lunchbox, you, uh, you've been using them right?”

“Kev! UGh!! That's just Grody, man! What if I asked you something like that about Roxy! hm?”

“Um you have les, many times, and like I tell you every time, she still hasn't put out.”

“Ha, maybe that's because all your prying personal questions, dried her out”

“But that's a different man! Ugh, Less We talk about everything, we can be open with each other. I need to know, Come on, man, just talk to me-”

“Kev” you know some things are better just left up to the imagination”

“Were you the one…uh ... .in the girls position?”

“KEVIN! UGH!! WHAT GIVES MAN!?, UGH YOU'RE STILL DRUNK OR SOMETHING, I'M GOING TO BED!-”I blushed so hard, I thought I would get a blood clot in my cheeks. Jesus, Kev way to ruin the mood. I'm usually the one who makes things weird, but I guess there's a first time for everything. Where was this even coming from?

“Lester, wait! I-I just wanna know if you're safe?”

“Safe? w-Wha- '' Kevin was literally going to murder me with embarrassment, why the hell did he think now was a good time for this talk?!!

“Like…I’m just making sure your—you don't contract anything?”

“Like mono??”

“No like…you know…”

“...STDS??, what? Most of the boys at our school don't even know how to spell abortion, you really think any of them have the clap? Most of these guys go to church in the morning and knock up their girlfriends at night. They never retain anything they’ve learned since the 3rd grade, do you really think this ever crosses their minds? Come on, man, where is this coming from? This is New Jersey, man, nobody talks about this shit” Kevin looked angry now.

“NO I MEAN LIKE AIDS!?” 

“Aids? What are you talking about man?”

“I think It’s time for a reality check. The world doesn't begin and end in New Jersey, ok. I read the papers, man. Aids has been spreading worldwide, with the death toll climbing every year. So, this isn't a joke like–”

“Wiat, is that what this is about?! You..YOu think I'm gonna get…AIDS? from one of these guys?? HA HA, WOW! Have you met the jokers on that list?! Most of them talk a big game about high body counts, and haven't even kissed a girl!  Most of them didn't even know what being gay was until we hooked up, ok? So I think it's safe to say your over reacting, wow I think all this Harvard prep finally put you over the edge-”

“Ok…but did you at least ask if they were positive? Like, before you…you know?”

“Um…no? Why would I man? A few of them freaked out about the whole aids thing afterwards though, but they were just regular catholic-ashamed basket cases, so I didn't bat an eyebrow. I mean, why would I ask that…that's such a boner killer!?”

“Jesus Christ Lester! Do you ever take your head out of your ass?! You can't go through life obvious to everything going on, because newsflash man, you live in the world, and this shit will affect you, whether you pay attention to it or not!! When will you leanrn the world is wider then fucking New Jearsy man!”

“Hey man, I get it, you're sooo smart, you read the new york times every day, you know what the soviets are doing and if the stock market crashed, well good for you.”

“Gosh, you don’t get it do you. Wake up, man! Aids is everywhere, Ewing is sheltered but it's not another planet man, there have been new cases reported in Trenton, Riverside, and Atlantic City within the last week! Ok, no one survives it, it’s an epidemic man, thousands have died already. Not just in New York City, but all over the world! Look.” Kevin held up the Washington post cover, in my face, of the latest statistics of Aids death. Wow, he wasn't messing around, trying to put the fear of god up in me all of a sudden.

“15,100 Dead, kids, stupid kids, not much older than you, they will never grow old, man, and there's more every day. You don't know about it, because the government has been covering it up, and lying about it for years! Man, they're counting on…stupid kids like you to not know the risks, adn pay the price. They say it’s god's punishment at church, like all the gay people dying somehow asked for this. You wonder why I stopped going to church recently, it’s not because of dad, ok, it’s because of this. I can't sleep at night, man, thinking of humanity…how all these heartless jerks at school talk about it. After I gave you the loveliest, it was bearing on my conscience…what I did, that I sent you to the slaughter.---

“Kevin…I think maybe, we should write a rock song about this. You know, it could go ‘Oh, Love my is dangerous, I sent him to the slaughter’”

“Haha, NO! can you please try to take this seriously, for just a moment. Look, I know this is gross, and awkward…but, just to be sure, let me check-”

“No! Hey man, hands off! You aren't checking anything, ew gross!? man what are you doing, your not a fucking nurse!? Besides, I think I’d know by now if I had something so serious! Look, I don't know much about all that Aids stuff–n all, like you said, nobody does, why would they? Most people we know don't even know how to pull out!? But I'm not stupid, I've been to new york city, 

“New York city? No you haven't…”

“Yes I have, where do you think I got our band Leather?”

“Ok, well, that's still only once.”

“Alright, well once is more than enough! It was crazy, you saw people walking around with it, everywhere I was in the Village, it was like…pretty scary man. So I know first hand, to have it, you gotta have a bunch of bruises on your face and shit. And last time I checked, I didn't get any bruises, ok? SO take a chill pill, man!” Jesus, Kevin wouldn't let up. He’s clearly been doing his research too.

“Yeah, I know Lester, they're called lesions, and…hold on, holy shit! YOU HAVE ONE, YOU–HAVE ONE, RIGHT ONE YOUR NECK!!?”

“That's a hickey dude.” Kevin sighed with relief, and started to dial back his “aids scare” panic attack. I tried to take him seriously, and hear him out. 

“Look, it’s just…ok, dude listen to me symptoms show up months after you contact it, so wouldn't even know this soon. Um, I mean…I know the football guys sleep around at parties every weekend, with god knows who. I–mean,-”

“Dude relax, like none of them were gay, I can assure you. SO there's like…zero chance anyone had it before we did, there, case closed!”

“...you know you don't have to be gay to get AIDS, right? You know countless early cases in Africa were found in straight couples. It's not a ‘gay plague’, that's just propaganda, like, you know that right?”

“Wow, Kev I can see you've been doing your research…ok, well everyone says you have to be gay, so…hey, It’s called propaganda for a reason, I guess I’m not immune, go figure. You're right I'm just a dumb sheep, I’d believe anything the government says, even if I don't rock against it. It’s ok, though, you still think I'm a sheep regardless, that I’m incapable of making it in the world on my own, without you!”

“I never said that, man.”

“But, Hey your right, like fucking always! I don't spend my days pondering this stuff man! I'm a rock n roll musician, not an epidemiologist? When you live for “Sex drugs and rock n roll”, you know sometimes it's bound to get a little messy”

“Look, I'm just worried about you, man. I'm your brother, I'm allowed to be concerned, considering what is happening in the world, there's always a reason to be worried, and this…is an especially good one. Because If you did get…sick, um it would be all my fault. I gave you the list so you wouldn't feel lonely, because I wanted you to be happy and I didnt think about the implications. We just had so much going on with the band, and school, I just—the news is so slow to get out here, they don't tell us shit, man, that's how you get it, by not knowing any better! Oh my god, the list…all those guys I didn't think of, the one time I didnt think, it's with this of all things?! You didn't even have a choice, oh god, I-I'm-i'm so sorry yyyyyyyyyy! I'm so sorry man, please forgive me!??????!!!!” Kevin started to cry into his naked elbow. Jesus, this man was a blubbering mess. Jesus, he never cried in front of me let alone like a little bitch baby. Oh good lord, not again.

Alright, I think it was time I took his advice, and gave him a pep talk for once.

“Alright, now I think you're the one being paranoid. Pull yourself together man! Jesus, this is not what I would call living in the moment, in fact it seems like the opsite. You got good advice man, you should take it sometime.”

“It’s just too much man! The worlds gone crazy, I just couldn't deal if you got hurt, it’s my job to protect you, man, somdobodys gotta do it!? I don't question it, it’s just what big brothers do. God knows no one was ever looking out for us, so we have to be there for eachother other, no matter what. But…It’s just, so much pressure man, one of these days…it might just be to much for me, and I wouldn't even care about letting everyone down anymore, like youd, I’d just be liberated I’d give it all up-”

“What are you talking about man?” Kevin kept crying, I've never seen him like this, like a man on the brink of insanity. Being pushed too far all these years, I never thought it would happen, but I think he finally broke.

“Man, I never wanted you to know this…you have enough going on. But Last week it was all just too much, and I considered checking myself into Trenton psychiatric, just for a few days so I wouldn't…do anything stupid. I needed to get away, From everyone, but thinking of you was the only thing giving me the power to move forward. But it’s just too much man, I'm just one guy after all, I'm just a human being not their prop, not a number cruncher, a pawn, a puppet for their aims! I'm a person, and I never signed up for this! Everything is riding on my shoulders, just one slip up, and I’m finished. But I gotta be the strong one, if I show one sliver of fear, of emotion, it’s proof that I'm weak! and that I’m not a real man, and I just don't have what it takes to live up to it!? I just can never catch a break, man. Sometimes I just wanna say, fuck the world, and go to Flat Earther’s hill, drown the world out with Bruce Springsteins greatest hits never come down. Please, oh Jesus, it’s late, I-I don't want you to see me like this-” Kevin just closed on the floor in tears, I was paralyzed by fear and concern, never seeing him so low. But, I knelt beside him and comforted him like instinct, he’s done the same for me a thousand times, I never thought he’d be the one who needed to be uplifted, with a classic pep talk. 

“Kev, it’s ok, it’s ok man. Just–take a deep breath, can you do that for me?” I hugged him tight, as Kev continued to sniffle hysterically into my shoulder.

“Just look at me, and…breathe” I grabbed his hands, and forced him to look at me, just like he did after all my freak outs, time, and time again. 

“Inhale”

“Exhale”

“Now repeat after me, You overslept.”

“I overslept.” Kevin said, through strained laughter, wiping back tears.

“Your getting into Harvard”

“I'm getting into Harvard”

“Were gonna kick ass tomorrow”

“were gonna kick ass tomorrow”

“I do not have Aids.”

“You do not have Aids” 

“You don't owe the world shit”

“I don't owe the world shit”

“You deserve a break”

“I deserve a break”

“Everything is gonna be ok.”

“Everything is gonna be ok.”

“Ok. Now doesn't that Feel better ?”

“Big time.” Kevin said, sighing, and “You don't owe the world shit”whipping his tears.

“Ok! Now, we can quell each other's paranoia all night long, man, but you of all people know that there's a time and a place. and look man, I’ll kiss your ass on this one (figuratively) I promise, if you're still wigging out about this by tomorrow, I’ll even get tested, if it will help you sleep at night? Alright? But I promise, it’s all Hunky dory, man. But I gotta admit, It’s kind of hilarious seeing “perfect kelvin '' be the one getting out of whack for once, almost like you're a human being or something? ”

“Well I'm glad my crippling fear for your health is entertaining”

“Ha, well so am I, somones gotta enterin around here. Hey I think it's time to hit the sack man, for real this time”

“Alright, man.”  started walking down the hallway

“Hey Lester–” I spun around

“Yeahhhhhh?”

“These are the best days of our lives.”

“Um… If that's true, then please get the shotgun-” 

“Ha yeah…but we’ll look back one day, and miss these days, when we were young and stupid like........Glory days well they'll pass you by, Glory days! in the wink of a young girl's eye, Glory days, glory days-'' Kevin spontaneously sang, in his best Springstein impression. 

“Hey, quoting songs is my thing!”

“Well, right now going to bed is your thing-”

“Ok, Goodnight, Flea”

“Ha ha, Goodnight, man.” Kevin said, finally shutting his door and the light. 

I walked back to my room, seeing as Trent was finally asleep as well. I finally went into my room, slammed the door behind me, and zonked out right on the floor, before I could even make it to the bed, I was that wasted. 

Friday. (Judgement Day)

The next day, I woke up at the crack of dawn. It was Friday at last.

I peeled myself off my messy sheets, I stretched, yawned and cracked my old man back.

I rolled out of bed, with my chili peppers ticket in hand, jesus of course I’d slept with it. I still couldn't believe it was truly mine. The shinny ticket, sparkled in the morning light, I almost shed a tear as it glisined, I was overwhelmed by its beauty. This was my golden, I ran my finger around the shimmering border. it even had my name on it, in big shiny silver letters. I held it close, caressing all its edges and textures, I cradled it like an injured butterfly, and slept with it like a rag doll. I put it somewhere safe for Saturday, I looked around for the best spot to hide it, ah perfect! I pinned it to my red hot chili peppers shrine, where it couldn't be missed, on my main cork board next to the dozens of other chili pepper magazine clips and album pamphlets, I couldn't wait to fill it up with a zillion more tickets, and maybe even…a signed record or two!? I kissed it up to god, getting on my knees to pray before the shrine. (catohoic’s arent the only ones who pray you know…). I closed my eyes and got mad supritual, just like I every morning, praying to my rock gods, for today to go smoothly. 

“Dear rock gods, Chili Peppers, please bless me with your greatness, on this holy day of days. Please bless my brother so he may pass the Harvard exam today, oh lord, may we win the battle of the bands today. Please, give us your powers of rock, to destroy all the compilation in an all consuming fire of crushing disappointment ... .may this hangover pass, oh lord, please…let Rubin turn out to be a good guy. Amen.”

I quickly showered, making sure to actually wash my hair, pits, tits, and shave, today being the one day of the year being a dirty pigpen just wasn't gonna cut it. It was already seven so I rushed to get dressed, in my usual attire. This time wearing my special Chili peppers tour shirt, instead of my usual one. My classic blue jeans, studded belt, which fit me even better now as if I'd magically lost even more weight. And of course, Kevin’s leather jacket, and today, I added a red headband for good measure, a true rock n roll hallmark, so there'd be no mistaking ecstasy for what I came here to do. I thought for a minute what flea would be wearing, if they were still performing nude, what would Flea think of the headband, what would he think of me? I could already hear Kevin saying I need to chill and quit stalking them on  all their recent tours. He would say that I was too old to be a sycophantic fanboy, and it was beneath us as a band.

But I couldn't help it, besides he finally got us tickets! So, all my years of obsession finally paid off. I grabbed my backpack and slammed my room door. (Not realizing I’d be doing that for the last time) 

Mom had taken dad to church, so the house was ours yet again. I walked into the kitchen to see Kevin was already up, frying pan in hand, flipping flapjacks and humming “Badlands' ' under his breath. Trent, Lenny and Beans were all sitting around the kitchen table, as Kevin served them five strips of crispy bacon each, with his famous hush puppies and sunny side up eggs. 

“Breakfast is served! Oh, morning Lester” Kevin cherped

I sat down next to Trent, he yawned right in my face, with red eyes he was hungover, his hair was frazzled, his breath smelled like moonshine, and he could hardly sit up. He didn't even look at me, before scarfing down Kevin's breakfast like he hadn't eaten in months. I couldn't help but be grossed out by how good the food smelled, having quit starving myself recently, I was afraid to go back to being fat if I started just eating normal meals again. But it smelled so fucking shweet, and all the pizza and twinkies this weedk didnt make me gain anymore weight then I had the years of living of candy and cigarettes, if anything I lost some. So, I just shut up that voice telling me I couldn't eat.

“Hey, eat up, guys! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”

“Thanks Kevin!” Lenny belched, with his mouth full.

“Anytime guys, ok, as you know today's a big day for us. So, here's the plan!-Hey, beans–beans wake up!”

Beans had fallen back asleep, face planted in his eggs, so Lenny shook him until he woke up, looking more clueless than usual, like he just woke up from a coma.

“Hey space cadet, pay attention” Lenny said, waving his hand in Bean’s face, but he still looked dead behind the eyes, so Lenny snapped right in his ear, which he knew would awake him. 

“Ok, listen up. Today is our last day of school, but don't get distracted by all that, I go in for the Harvard exam at 10am, after school at 3 sharp, we have our last band practice and at six pm. But then we're all meeting back here so I can drive us to Trenton for the battle of the bands!” Everyone cheered

“Ok, everyone got that?”

“Most definitely.” Lenny said

“Y-y-ep!” Beans proclaimed as he shot up from his seat, pulling out Lennies as they handed their finished dishes to Kevin.

“Roger that” Trent said with his military monotone, absently mindlessly finishing up his food, chucking his plate in the sink. The three of them, knowing it was almost time for school, headed out to the front porch. All bundt Trent exititelnly waves as they grabbed their bikes and rode off to school.

“Lester, you got that?” Kevin checked in, noticing my lack of response.

“Um…” I still couldn't tell him about the note. But, 3pm is when I'm supposed to meet Rubin!? But, I couldn't miss our last practice. Then again, I thought we agreed last night we weren't gonna over-rehearse. hmm lets see, I'm a bit rusty, let’s see if I can't bullshit my way out of this one.

“heyyyyy, I actually forgot to tell you! I can't, I have plans at three.”

“What plans….” Kevin slammed down our stack of dishes and crossed his arms,m raising one eyebrow. 

“Um you know, graduation party?”

“Bullshit, you're a junior, and you just got expelled.”

“No-um, They want me to…perform our latest song,yeah the one about “the best years of our life!”you know the one?”

“We've never performed such a song? Lester…what’s going on, man, your acting mad sketchy right now.”

Classic Kevin, god danm human Lie dicttector I never get anything past him, but this was serious now I had to do intel and find out what Rubin's been up to once and for all! To find out if he’s been cheating, once and for all! Oh shit, Kevin will have already taken the test by then…Fuck he’s tought me to lie so well, you’d think I’d be able to get past him by now. Maybe I should just…tell the truth-No! fuck no! I can't do that! Ugh…he’s dong that classic “I caught you red-handed” stare, quick, Think of something!-

“Look what I'm doing at 3pm is ... .none of your business ok! Whatever happened to ‘respecting my privacy’ or was that just bullshit?!”

“...Ok, ok, ok man. Jeez, no, no your right, your right.”

“Yeah, you're damn right, besides we agreed last night we didn't need to rise again before the show!”

“We didn't, well, I think it will be just for last minute logistics then, you know, making sure we got our costumes together, sound checks and the like. just to check that everything is going according to plan. With maybe just a few pep talks thrown in for good measure, but I know you don't need to hear any more of those.”

“Ok man, yeah that sounds stellar, I…trust you guys with all that, you can fill me at the Summit. I-I'll be just a little late, man, no big.”

“Ok, solid. Don't be too late though, I didnt wanna tell you in front of the guys, but tonight, after I pass the test, I'm gonna break the news about my departure.”

“I thought you wanted to wait till after we won?”I pleaded

“Yeah but, you were right, man. They deserve to know. But don't worry, I’m gonna make sure they know what I told you, that I’ll only be a state away and will always be a part of the band even if I'm not playing lead guitar any more. Tonight’s my last time performing together but the start of a long, ridiculous, outrageous and incredible career for you guys, and you know we're going out with bang!” Kevin said, 

as he grabbed his school bag, stuffing his textbooks inside, almost breaking the Zipper.

“Alright man, you know what, that sounds like a great plan. Good luck on that Test, I know you're gonna rock Harvard like a hurricane, man!”

“Thanks, I’ll make sure to show the dean the weather report when I see him.” 

“HA, Ha, nice one bro.”

“HA yeah, I mean I'm just glad you're not paranoid about Rubin cheating anymore man, you’ve come a long way-Oh shit! cuz of the shit tsunami yesterday, you never got to hookup with him, did you?”

“nooo sadly not. I mean, would've been nice you know, but I don't think I’ll be seeing him again anyway. you know, now that schools are over- ''. 

“Never again?”

“Never, man, Not today, definitely not today, not tomorrow, you know quite frankly man, I will probably never see him or his pretty hands ever again in my entire lifetime”

“Bummer man, but you know what I said about high school guys…you're on the precipice of fame, the last thing you want is to wig out over some high school fling. You can turn him into a song or something.” holy assassin! I Got him, He’s actually buying it. I didn't even have to spoon feed him and he’s eating it up! Oh baby, this is just too easy. It's just a white lie though, what he doesnt know can't hurt him. Yeah it sucks, you know, lying to Kevin of all people, the only person who I could ever talk openly about this junk, but this different, it was for the greater good baby! If I've learned anything being an American, it’s that if it’s for the greater god, always gets a free pass.

“-and when we win, you can play that song to spite him!”

“Too soon, man!”

“right, right of course”

“But I mean, It’s just like what you told me, man, poop thing, turning everyone off, was all for the best.” I said, following Kevin outside, as he unlocked his bike, I stayed right behind him.

“There, see now you got it! Everything's gonna work out, man. Wait, hey now where are you going?” 

“To school?”

“No cowboy, you got expelled, remember!”

“Oh yeah, right.”

“Not so fast, man! What the hell are you planning on doing all day until we get back?”

“What do you mean, what am I gonna do? Write new songs, stock up at the liquor store, Get into a rock n roll state of mind?? duh.”

“ok, just Don't stay in the house all day and Let dad treat you like shit when he gets back from Chappell, or lie in your room all day and overthink. Ok? Just keep your horse blinder on, man come tonight everything is gonna take shape, ok?”

“Alright man, Roger that!”

“And if we get back after three, just leave a note-”

“note, NOTE-WHAT NOTE??”

“-Saying when you'll be back, there's some leftovers in the fridge.”

“Right on, man!” I called after him as he rode away, down that same lonely road up the hill, along with all the other neighborhood kids, riding up that shining city on a hill, riding to their education, their ruin, their doom. I waved at him and brashly screamed after him, with zero  shame.

“Bon’ Voyage brother! Good luck, Harvard boy! I know you're gonna kick ass, see that's HARVARD’S ASS RIGHT HERE, THAT'S YOUR FOOT, JUST KICKING IT MAN, YOU GOT THIS, MAKE THAT TEXT YOUR BITCH!!!! AHHHHHHH!”

“Thanks dude! See ya tonight!” Kevin called out from the middle distinction. I just stared back at him, swelling up with gooey, gushy pride, like whatever my mother might have felt if she was ever proud of me. went back inside, not fully shutting the screen door behind me.

I’ll spare you the details of my post expulsion dicicidely un- rock n roll, monotonous boredom. Kevin was right about everything, including that toiling away in my godforsaken haunted house. All day was deeply, deeply saddening, a house full of ghosts, empty religion, flaccid and Failed attempts at upholding the American dream. On every wall and hallway were endless reminders of the failures of my parents, everywhere there was a wonderboard, Shrines and idols to Kent and every last achievement, donation and fleeting glory of the church. It was

enough to drive you mad, so after five minutes of being home alone I decided to do whatever it is I do when I'm alone. I don't want to bore you, I was really just running out the clock until 3pm, my spine shivering with anticipation at the thought of it. While Kevin was passing Harvard entrance exams, and all his friends were preparing for graduation, I was just sitting home alone, waiting for the clock to run out.

Right now, I was just going through the motions, running some errands to pass the time. First, I blinked into town, heading to Mama Peates, the only liquor store. I got everyone in the band a pack of their booze of choice. Using my convincing Fake ID that Trent just hooked me up with, I got everything a strong healthy rock band could possibly desire: booze, pot, cigarettes, donut holes, whip cream, and band-aids.  I ended up running out of money, so I had to steal some shit, and ended up getting lost in the woods looking for the best bush to piss in. So then I biked home around lunchtime, but had to hide behind a tree when the rents dragged their asses inside, of course they would be back from church at the exact same time as me. I could smell my parents' marriage drying from all the way across town. I avoided going inside after them obviously, though, I had to put the booze in the fridge sooner or later. So I waited until they went upstairs, mom dragging dad’s limp body up the rickey old staircase, seemingly battling his afternoon demons. I watched and waited outside the window, until they were fully inside, shut the upstairs bedroom, and shut the door. Without skipping a beat, I bolted inside like the cops were right on my tail, (as they’d been only hours ago.) I opened the fridge, I pinched my nose at the heinous stench, half the food was long expired. It was filled top to bottom with beers, and moms rotting church pies, leaving no space for even a Mars bar.  I stuffed the beers in dads old beach collar, proceeding to hide it and my room, along with the drugs, where the rents couldn't find or smell em. I quietly shut the door behind me, letting out a mammoth sigh of relief they didn't hear me. I checked my watch, it was noon sharp. My lunch instinct kicked in, my tummy started rumbling and clamoring for some grub. After years of repression and living off cigarettes alone, I was craving a fat hoagie, or Kevin’s leftover breakfast. But then I remembered what I was about to do, and that my munchies would have to wait. With only four hours left now, I decided to just veg out. I plopped down in my bean bag to write some songs. Screw Kevin, maybe I would write one about Rubin, but even in spite, I’d never Sarandë him with it! Some things are too ridiculous, even for me. As I wrote the song, I realized this is the first time I've been home alone all day with nothing to do (despite what the government would have you think). Like most days, at this time I typically have school, so I’d only be home for dinner, usually spending most avoiding life on Flat earthers hill with Kevin. But when I was at home I was always practicing with my band, hanging out with Kevin, getting beat by dad, shamed by mom, and bullied by Kent. Now with the battle of the bands all set tonight, and my hookup/secret covert undercover mission at 3pm, I just found myself…more aimless and floundering then ever. I even started to (as Kevin warned) overthink about just how much of a Failure I truly was. I mean, like let's be honest, my quest to not be a flare is futile. Like even if we do win, even if Kevin gets into Harvard, Rubin does turn out to be a good guy, and Bad Decisions becomes the most beloved rock band in human history, I will still be a failure. None of those things really matter in the long run, in ten years I’ll still be chasing the same dream, chasing forever, never stratified. So what's the point ya know, like why even go through with it? As foul as he is, Ronlad Ragan is actually right about one thing, some people are born fluires and some are born to be great, no matter what either do externally to improve their situation. I was just born a faire, a bum, a loser, a joke, a useless eater and a fraud, not a rock star, and that I can never truly hope to be anything else. The only way a chump like can rise in the ranks, is through the legnan that builds up around me, dozens of losers tricked the world into worshiping them. Anyone in this hyper-indviuszied, bullshit world, with the right set of lies, told often enough, for all intents and purposes, can become true. It's the only way.

Jeez, do I really believe all that? Deep down, right now, I believe I have to, in order to survive and not end up like dad. Just another delusional wanbee with false confidence to spare, ignorant of how much the world hates him, singing another verse, as the crowd booed him off the stage. That's my worst nightmare. I have to be realistic, I mean Kevin would denounce this but, you can't brute force confidence your way through life. Buying my own hype is the goal, and I’ve essinatally mastered the art onstage. But dude, in real life, people don't have fairy godmothers and magical genies to make their dreams come true, not how it works. Some of us are just trash and we can't go through life in denial, sure ignorance is bliss but living on another planet isn't really the best plan of action. Being in true denial isn't rewarded like it is in the movies, here on planet earth, it’s met not with envy and curiosity, but with a straight jacket in a padded cell! I mean sometimes you just have to be honest as to what you are, the first step is admitting you have a problem for a reason. I know I'm worthless, I can't deny that anymore, but now that I've established it I can formulate the best lies to create the lore, the legend, the character of “Lester Flatt.” I'm not just talking with my character in the band, but with everything. 

Sure lying is immoral, but some people are just dealt a piss-poor hand, and cutting a few corners is necessary. Life isn't fair, you’ll never be rewarded for playing by the rules,you might as well have a little imagination when breaking them. But that's the best part if you ask me, afterall kicking the man's ass is what I do best. I just kept writing songs in my torn composition book.

Before I knew it, three pm rolled around. I sighed, it was time dude, it

It was finally time. I decided to slip out the back door (no pun intended) so as to not alert the rent to my presence. I tiptoed down the backstairs, avoiding every creek from the old wooden steps, man, was majorly rusty in the stealth department. I could even hear them pompously reciting scripture upstairs, mom reciting some verse about redemption, and comforting dad as he cried into her blouse, justifying and excusing all he’s ever done. Jesus christ, I can't wait to get out of here. I got my bike and rode to the other side of town where Rubin lived.  

I only now realized, man, I don't even know the man's address!? I mean, Ewing is a small town so everyone basically knew everyone, but he lived on the “wrong side of the tracks' ' or the “ghetto' ' as mom calls it, where I didn't know my ass from my elbow. My brothers and I were always forbidden to go over there, but now here I was, crossing county lines. Wow, I'm on a roll, busting two family taboos in one night, three if you count battle of the bands. As I biked past drug dealers selling in broad daylight, and people yelling about welfare on the curb, I was already getting lost. Turns out, as rock n roll as I was, I was still relatively sheltered, and not as tough as I’d thought. As I got more and more lost and the feelings to dread started setting in, I recalled something Rubin had said. He said it to me in the hallway after class: 

“Yo,that guy’s built like a brick house, man”

“He is Lester, but My brick house has bright red windows, and the reddest curtains you've ever seen.” Rubin said, winking at me. 

I didn't think anything of it at the time, because we were in public, but dude, he was totally speaking in code! So I looked for the brick houses with the bright red windows, before I knew it, I crossed the boulevard onto a side street with the same deplatoped, uniform housing, finally coming across a particular brick brownstone at the street's end. A house with you guessed it, two blood-red windows with deep scarlet velvet curtains. I parked my bike, and locked it on his barbed fence. Before I could get my bearings, I was barked and spit at by  a chained up Pitbull chained to the same fence, I was so startled I almost shit my pants. The mut kept snarling and almost snapping his weak chain collar, as I shivered, and ran around him, barely escaping him to the front porches higher ground. I rang the doorbell a hundred times, and banged on the splintered door, dear god, I hope this was the right place. 

Just breathe,man, just remember why you're here. Mission objective: Find out if Rubin cheated off my brother on the Harvard entrance exam, find out if he knows any band secrets he can use against us tonight. Also, don't forget to find out if he really is a good guy, if Kevin was right, and he wants more than sex, and I'm just the paranoid one. it’s judgment day baby, It's about time I get some answers. 

I heard someone unlocking a dozen bolted locks, and opened the door only halfway. Rubin's perfect fingers peeled around the door frame and a sliver of his face peaked out.

“Who is it?”

“Lester…from school, I got your note.”

“Oh, right on, right on. Quick, get inside!” He opened the door, and grabbed my leather sleeve, yanking me inside. Woah, not so rough Indiana Jones! He took me by the hand, aggressively leading me into his house. In the process of falling apart, I could smell drugs cooking and paint chipping. He was wearing nothing but a linty bathrobe that I know he stole from Minty’s Motel down the street. Come to think of it, we should've gone there instead, but we couldn't pay. He pulled me up his steep stairs, down the upstairs hallway, right into his bedroom at the end of the long, slim corridor. He barley gave me time to see the rest of the house, see where the fuck I even was, but at this point, I didnt care. He locked the door behind me, I just stood there like a dumbass, taking in the sight of his room, Jesus it was messier than mine. He went to sit on his beat up mattress on the floor, to get a hit from his bong. His room was lit by a series of dim red lights, giving the whole thing the vibe of a red room. Drugs, not just weed, but needles and powders littered his floor, his red-rimmed window had no screen, and no glass. He had posters of rock, and heavy metal albums on his wall, some the same as mine, others…like Poison and Celtic Frost…not so much, it seems like shit Trent would listen to. He also had a bunch of stolen street signs, statues, and other junk from the street lying around. He had a single closest, filled with piles of dirty clothes, and all kinds of deviant looking junk, He had a collection of bongs on his window sill, including one shaped like Abrahm Lincon, he had christmas lights hanging from the ceiling, and cardboard cutouts of porn stars I know he stole from the XXX video store in town.

 Jeez this guy was a regular collector, wasn't he. Its not exactly the room I pictured, no the sexiest pad, but what the fuck do I know. But most of his band equipment was safely moved to one side of the room, the rest I presume to be in his garage. He even had posters, patches, and shirts for Rolling Veins. His band already had their own merch line. Holy balls we were screwed. He was still smokin hot, in the way his lips wrapped around that bong, and how he let his bathrobe slip just enough to reveal his shoulder.

“Ahhhhh, man, is this way better than the boys room?” Rubin sneared, taking a long puff from his bong.

“Yeah, that's for sure.” He beckoned me to sit beside him on his dusty mattress. 

“Yeah that bathroom was vile. Especially…after what you did to it yesterday! ha ha”

“Yeah, I was hoping you wouldn't mention that-”

“Oh who gives a fuck, man, schools out anyway. Lucky for you, I missed all the chaos that went down. But everyone says they totally saw your ass, and that you jumped out the fifth floor window?! Damn, that shit is totally outrageous, man! Color me impressed, I may have underestimated you.”

“R-really? you mean that?” I said, suddenly drawn back into his gaze, thoroughly stupid and seduced. All other missions quickly faded away. Why was I here again? 

“No doubt, man. I mean I missed a lot of shit this week man, test prep’s a bitch you know.”

“Oh yeah, for sure. Hey, didn't you take the Harvard exam today? How did it go, man?” I noticed a pile of half hidden Harvard Textbooks, pencils, protractors, and workbooks stuffed behind his mattress, as if he didn't want anyone to see them. I don't like being an excessive dick, but I can't help but wonder,why would someone like Rubin even want to go to Harvard? 

“It went fine, I guess, I donno.-Hey, want a hit?” He said Offering me a hit from his bong. I accepted, not getting too high just yet, my mind had stayed sharp to continue this mission.  I took a long puff, right in his face, as he leaned in close. 

“That's some good shit.” I kept looking beside his mattress, his school stuff was just torn and hidden out of sight, he had to be hiding something. I mean he only took the test a few hours ago, why so quick to discard all his hard work, along with used condoms, and dead rats or whatever else was under his bed. That pile was the key, I had to get him out of the room long enough to look through it. Or I could just ask him outright? But no, that would be way too suspicious and also probably a huge turn off, no one wants to talk about Tests of all things with your hookup?! Blah. Ok, man, stay cool, just stick to the plan.

“Enough with the small talk-'' He said, taking a long sip of one of many half empty beers lying on the floor. Suddenly a lightbulb went off, that's it, got him drunk, so much so he’ll have to pee eventually. Let's see how well he can perform after downing a few more Blue Moons, both on stage and in bed. Ha, Lets see how long he’ll be pissing and puking in the bathroom down the hall, I bet it will be enough for me to find the evidence. I know Kevin's IAP is down there, I can feel it. So after a few drinks, and weed puffs, he decided to make a move. He moved close and started to massage my shoulders.

“I mean, we both know why you're really here.”He whispered

“Yeah, here to take our clothes off and…start the revolution.” I said, like the casavana I am, kissing him as he rolled his eyes and laughed for some strange reason. He pushed me to my knees under him as he scooted back onto his gross mattress. Ew, it was a massive slog, but I even wanted him to put some sheets on this thing. 

“You know, my parents are never home”

“Oh yeahhh”

“Yeah, they're junkies, in and out of prison. My brother’s the only one here, and unlike yours, he hasn't gotten out of bed since 81’. I got this whole place to myself, man-” 

“Oh yeah, keep talking.” I said, untying his bathrobe. Before I could breathe, we started going at it. Like a couple of ferrets in heat.

 

He pinned me against the mattress, he had total control over me.

“I’m the man of the house now.” He grunted

“Yes, ugh!.”

“say it”

“You're the man of the house, you're the man-OH! -UGh!”

“and dont you forget it, this is my turf, my bed, my ass, so I can do, whatever, and whover the fuck I want.”

“Lucky bastard.” I mumbled into his pillow, fully peeling off his robe, and throwing it onto his mountain of dirty clothes. I was now up close again, with his perfect body, his perfect hands, abs, everything. But unlike the bathroom, here there was no backdrop of fear and getting caught. But it really felt like how making love is supposed to be, with no paranoid backdrop, no fear, just raw passion. But Right now, Rubin should be scared, but not for the same reasons.

“You know, I wrote a new song for tonight–ahhhhh” He said, as I started…sucking. It was, most definitely bigger then I remember from Monday, he would look great in lizard-skin spandex tights on stage. Though, that's not really his style. I started to choke, and gag pretty quick, but I wasn't worried, by this point I was a pro, and I knew it took longer than that to get Rubin’s engine revved up.

“The song–ahh-is called, Dirty hairy, and it’s about –ahh, yeah just like that-” he said, grasping the back of my head, so hard we yanked out some hairs, as my head bobbed up and down.

“About What?” I asked, interrupting my up and down rhythm 

“Shhhh, dont talk! Dont stop-Ugh” he said, getting right back to business. It took a bit longer than I thought (Rubin is a professional in more than one area it seems, but Rubin finally finished. He fell back on the mattress, out of breath. I just looked up and whipped my mouth with one sleeve, painfully standing up off the cold filthy floor, cracking my aching knees in the process. Ok it was now or never, he was the most vuiarible he’d ever been. He was sucked off, wasted and knocked the hell out. Now was my chance, so I crawled into bed next to him, doing my best imitation of genuine post-coital bliss, and true unstaged intimacy. He stared into my eyes, and kissed me softly on the lips, and instated prolonged awkwardly long eye contact.

“Hey, pfft, it’s getting late. The battle starts soon, maybe you should start getting ready to leave, you know.”

“Yeah man, so do you. I knew this perfect moment couldn't last forever, they never do. You better get going, the guys are gonna be here soon.” he tried to sit up, knocking over bottles and bones scattered on and around the mattress. He even broke some glass as he carelessly tried to drag himself out of bed, flailing his arms like a plane going down in the Pacific. He struggled to walk, grabbing the wall for balance, being the deadly rock n roll triad of drunk, high and hungover all at once. 

“Hey, man, you’ve been drinking like a sailor, maybe you should ease off the beer, and take a piss before the show starts. Last thing you want on stage is for a pipe to burst” I said, trying to get him into the bathroom as soon as possible, not taking my eyes off his hidden Harvard stash.

“Yeah, no shit man, that's pre-show 101, one day when you're a pro like me you’ll understand. Oh, speak of the devil, nature calls-” right on time 

“Fuck, I gotta piss like a racehorse! Be right back.” Rubin said like clockwork, leaping up to his feet, doing the “I gotta take a leak” dance totally butt naked. Without even throwing his robe back on, he made a mad dash for the bathroom down the hall. But the second he left the room, I dove behind his bed and grabbed all his Harvard textbooks and shit. I was definitely too dumb to understand half of what these terms, forms, and formulas meant. But before having to dig too deep, I found it. The full IAP awnser packet, wedged between the last two pages of the Index. I held it up to the light, making sure it really was what I thought it was. I almost dropped it, as I trembled in rushed fear.

Bingo! Holy shit, I found it, I FOUND IT! I knew it man, He had it the whole fucking time, ya hear that Kevin I was right! Because ’m always fucking right babyy! YOU KEPT MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM KEV, AND HE HAD BEEN CHEATING ON YOU THIS WHOLE TIME, JUST LIKE I’VE ALWAYS BEEN TELLING YOU!!!!!? Wow if I could only see his face now, but Kev could never know I was here. I heard the toilet flush. shit! I came down from my ego vindicating high, and started to panic, he was coming back now, I needed a game plan. I Contemplated hiding the paper, so Rubin didn't know I found it.  But without a thought I clumsily threw all his harvard stuff back behind the bed more or less where it was, it was a mess, he would notice if it was out of order, some papers blew out the window. Mid curffucle, I tripped on one of his loose beer bottles, whale trying to shove the books behind the mattress. I ended up knocking over his Super 8 camera atop his window sill, and dropping his biggest textbook on my big toe in the process.

“Youch!!!” Cracking the spine and tearing out pages in the process. 

I could hear Rubin walking through the door now. So, I took a deep breath, heaving the last textbook in with the rest of me, holding the IAP behind my back like a smoking gun. Fuck it, I was confronting his ass, right here, right now, the final showdown, the last stand, the ultimate duel between good and evil. Now, there was nowhere to hide. I turned to face him, mustering up all the corrage and rock n roll cohanaous I keep stored away for special occasions. I was all in. Also, I genuinely wanted to hear how this joker was gonna try to talk his way out of this one.  He walked back in, robe half on, he was treated to the sight of me hopping arround on one foot like the fucking easter bunny, rubbing my stubbed toe, jeusus that textbook hurt more then the dumbbells at Kents gym.

‘What was that noise? Oh shit, you ok?”He asked, approaching me, checking me out like a mother robin as if I were his baby fallen from the nest. I tried to hide the IAP in my back pocket, I rolled it up like an ancient chinese scroll, so my hands would be free. Quit the theatrics man, there are real steaks here. Rubin isn't joking around man, he will take me to his murder dongon if he finds out I was going through his shit. This isnt a game anymore, hurry up and confront him before realzies the whole thing was a stick up, then get the fuck out of here.

‘I stubbed my toe, trying to-”Rubin cut me off, as he examined my big toe, promptly dropping it, and rolling his eyes.

“oh, that? Pfft, your fine man. just walk it off.”

“got it Doc.” I said, mockingly

“Wow, now that it is hot.''He said, lying back, reflecting. He sat down at me smugly, lighting a cigarette, as if he was the lead in a neo-noir. Still somehow melting me into a bumbling, smitten mess.

‘Really, you think s0-er, I mean, yeah I’ve been known to, bring the heat”

“Nah, seriously man, I'm not just blowing steam up your ass here. it’s high praise, an honor I don't betray upon just anyone, you know?”

“Well, it’s an honor just to be nominated” 

“Look man…I’ll be frank, I've had a lot of lovers, mostly chicks, but a few choice expectations. and I can't deny, they are seriously above average.”

“Awwwww, you're just saying that…”

“No shot! You really rocked my world man, even if we didn't go all the way. Credit where credit is due, you really know what you're doing, especially for a relative newcomer.” he said, taking a swig from the beer bottle I tripped on. Danm, it was a bit patronizing but I can't believe he really thought I was…above average!? Oh my god, wait! don't let him seduce and distract you with his flattery! Stay focused, don't…dont look in his eyes, oh great, now I’m blushing again.

“Wow…thanks, man, I'll get a good review then.”

‘Absolutely, five stars, baby!” 

“Five stars!? Does this mean you’ll be back for more-”

“Ha, you wish! Nah, but you're alright man, it’s such a shame Rolling Veins is gonna demolish you tonight”

“Yeah, about that, there's something I've been dying to ask you.”

“Shoot.”

“Say you…do win tonight, Which i'm sure you will…no doubt? You’ll get flowers, praise, encores, and outstanding ovation of course-”

“yes, of course-” 

“-But you’ll also get a record deal, enough money to buy your own studio, basically a prepackaged successful rock career ready to go?-”

“Yeah ... .I know, your point is?”

“Well, I guess I'm just curious how such a worldy, esteemed Rocker like yourself, predestined for fame, living on the road, could possibly have time…for a Harvard education?”

“Oh…Lester, you don't think I could do both?…you underestimate me.”

“No, I overestimated you, man! Right from the start you had me drowning in your bullshit, along with my brother-’ ok here I go…

“Woah! What the hell are you talking about man?! Where is this coming from man? I don't know why you're pissed all of a sudden, but don't drag him into this! Like, why even bring him up, man?”

“Why? WHY? Because you BETRAYED HIM!! You cheated off him, man!” I said holding up the IAp, almost tearing it as I grasped the top pages so tightly. I just stood there, in a battle stance, holding it right in his face like a crucifix, hoping he’d fall to his knees right then and there, and repent for his sins. He stood there in shock, like a guy with his pants down, literally his robe was barely hanging off his waist now. He looked stunned, truly caught red handed, but without skipping a beat, reverting into instant, overwhelming denial. 

“W-where did you get that? Where-where are you going through my shit just now?”

“Don't play dumb, man, I know what you've been up to. Kevin told me everything, he’s been tutoring you every night for the test today, he told me he never showed you that sheet, and that you’d never ever in a hundred years get your hands on it.”

‘What are you talking about, man!? This isn't the answers, it’s just another study packet—do you really think fucking HARVARD would masproduce thease? A cheat sheet to their own entrance exam? Man, you really have been smokin-”

“NO! you're a liar! and I can tell, because you're not even making eye contact with me right now! That isn't just “another study packet” and you know it, it is the answers man! Right from the mouth of Kent, our brother who got a perfect score on that very test last year, and is currently attending Havrad as we speak. He gave Kevin the IAP, the one I'm holding right now, all but confirming they were the right answers. Kevin was using it to make sure he was teaching you the right shit!”

“Well, how do you know?”

“Because he’s my brother's man, and he told me over a billion times, this week alone! And he told you the same, you can't play dumb. He told me you never fucking had the IAB and that there was no way in high hell this, right here, was ever in your possession-You fucking stole it man! Just admit it!”

 

“Man…shut the hell up! Alright, look I don't know what you're yapping about, But it’s all bullshit! Just quit wigging! It’s a serious turn off-”

“How could you, man. We trusted you! He was proud of you, and your academic progress! He said you were improving in your studies, and you were a good guy who wouldn't dream of cheating!!” That's it, I got him, he was about to confess, I swear he sighed and his body language was surrendering, he’s gonna do it! Come on Rubin, just come clean man.

“Um, news flash people lie, your precious Kevin lied. He says everyone is a good guy man, I can't believe you fell for that, wow you really are naive. He was just saying that so you'd get off his back. Man, you're more stupid than I thought. Industry tip, if your not a domicile virgin, you really should quit being so gullible, its major turn off-”

“-Ugh! Your…face is a major turn off! Man, Kevin fucking trusted you! You dont just play with peoples feelings like their fucking silly string man, you just dont, especially your tutor, and your lover-

“Lover? Seriously?? Wow you really are a fucking fag”

“Hey, rub salt in the wound why don't ya? Look, I just don't understand how someone could be so heartless, help me out, will ya? YOu literally seeked him out as your tutor, He spent all his time with you even when had hardly any time to spare out of the goodness of his own heart, he taught you HARVARD LEVEL MATH!? He stood up for you when I doubted you, he convinced me you were perfect and I was being paranoid! He stuck his neck out for you and told me you wanted me, for more than sex. He’s close with you, and supports your band, that we were competing against tonight, and for months! Does all that mean nothing to you?!!!”

“No, of course not. it doesn't mean shit to me, man! Why would it?”

“I can't believe this, of course you betrayed him, you were using him!You backstabbing, Nimrod, spineless, barf bag, heinously sexy coward! You ruined his life and you're gonna pay for it. He didn't have to do shit for you, you know, but he wanted to tutor you out of the kindness of his own heart. He only sees the good in everyone, man he was blind to your schemes, but I was on to you from the start! I knew you were up to no good, so I tried to warn  him night after night, but he wouldn't listen! He just kept saying that you were a good guy and I was just being paranoid.”

“Well, he’s got ya there, Lessie, you are paranoid, but it has its charm. To be truly paranoid, truly not in league with reality, balls deep in conspiracies, seeing the webs and schemes behind everything, can be truly erotic”

“No it’s not! What the hell is wrong with you! Being paranoid isn't sexy! It’s an incredibly unflattering trait! It makes you seem like a grade a nutjob, a straight jacket-skitsfornic, or a government bigwig trying to find new laws to eat pepes human rights! It only pushes people away and makes you assume everyone is out to get you! It never leads to anything productive!” Wow, I really just said that, danm. I knew Kevin would say I’m still being a hypocrite though, as I was just as paranoid if not more and would likely conture to be. But regardless, I wasn't playing anymore, he needed to pay for his crimes.

“You're wrong, man. It does lead to so much predictive justice, and it has, and it will. Paranoia led you to me afterall, and look at that, you turned out to be right.” 

“Yeah, but I got lucky. Kevin is right, it's gross to assume everyone is out to get you, you should assume the best of people, even if you're wrong sometimes. It’s no way to live, man, It literally never works! I promise you!”

“I don't know man, it seems to be working out pretty well for the soviets. You're just paroting Kevin because he’s your brother, but in reality, he’s nothing but a privileged idealist. In the real world, man, you need to be paranoid. The world is a pile of shit burning in statans ass hole, and it wasn't made for people like us. I mean, people living Kevin die with their morals, trust the FBI and asshole grifters straight to the grave. But us…we never trust anyone, we are always alert, we know how the world works, we know the signs, and we survive. Thast survival of the fittest”

“You don't get it, do you? Don't you realize you’ve basically ruined Kevin’s entire life, he’s been working to get into Harvard ever since he was born. I mean for god's sake, our parents only gave birth to him for this very purpose! Kent went to harvard, and if Kev doesn't now, our parents will fucking disown him! Man, they’ve basically said as much! I can't believe you would just use him, take advantage of his generosity for months just to swoop in and steal his freaking spot! Or I guess, I could believe it, I just really didn't want too!-”

“Believe it baby! plus, dude, it's not his spot, I never saw his fucking name on it. It's the only spot for our district, and anyone could claim it. God, you Flatt boys are so entitled, you think the whole world belongs to you! with all your family legacy, white, Christian middle class bullshit, you know, you don't have to defend him man! The world doesn't owe him shit, I mean for god sakes, we're talking about the best university in the freaking world here, like what were the odds? For guys like us, white trash, poor, high school dropouts, we were never meant for the ivy leagues anyway, that…just isn't our world. Besides, it would be against our core values to sell out like that. I mean, you say this shit all the time, rock n roll is about fucking the man, if anything we should be as far away from that estbalishment crap as human possible, if not for the soul purpose of taring it down.”

“Yeah, thats why im so confused…as to why-”

“-Shhh, don't think, don't ask, don't be confused, man. we don't always get to have all the answers in this life, sometimes people just do things, we will never truly understand.” he rubbed my back so hard, I forgot yet again what we were fighting about, and cocked my back as he rubbed out some tension in my lower back with one stroke, like a superhuman ninja masseuse.

“But let's be realistic here, his chances were modest at best. If anything, you're the one being used here, man. Used by your family, by your band, by the church, by sococity, only to be discarded once they’ve sucked you dry. But you deserve so much better than that. You deserve freedom, you deserve love, you deserve me.” He said so sensually, right in my ear, as he rubbed his hands up and down my thighs so slowly a powerful shiver ran through my whole body and almost gave me a seizure. I wanted to fight, I needed to conduire the mission but…I couldn't remember, he kept breathing down my neck, I swear he was a siren, I was powerless in the embrace of his perfectly toned biceps, pecs abs, and artistically arranged tattoos. God I was kind of a dumb slut, wasn't I?

He started closing in, giving me a warm embrace, letting his robe fall on the filthy floor yet again, his slimy words almost got to me, but then he said this:

“Shhhhhhhhhhh, it’s ok, baby.”

“I'm…sorry for yelling, I don't want us to fight, especially not right before the battle '' Yet again, I had officially succumbed to him. Jesus, was I the little bitch now? I hated this, he was just using his sex appeal to distract me and defuse the confratation. Well, fuck him, bedcuase he chose a great stargetgy, it works on me everytime. 

“Neither do I, don't cry, it’s alright, I forgive you. shhhhhhhhh, it's ok, don't worry It’s all over now. it’s too late now, so there's no point in wiggling out.” I pulled away, looking back at him with terror.

“Wait, what do you mean, Too late now?”

“Lessie, don't worry about it, come on, let me kiss you.”

“No, what do you mean, what’s too late? Too late for what?”

“Lessie…”

“No, only Kevin is allowed to call me that! What did you do-” I caught him staring at a single envelope on this dresser by the door.  If that envelope is what I think it is… So I dashed across the room to grab it, before he could stop me. Mother of invention! This could not be real! I held the envelope with trembling hands. I tentatively pulled out a sheet of app pre-opened envelopes, marked ‘Harvard office of admissions’ with the unmistakable red insignia. He didn't even try to stop me, standing behind me resigned to what was about to go down. I couldn't even read past the first line, before opening the floodgates.

 

I let the letter slip from my fingers, and began to cry. I was praying this wasn't true, but every betrayal, every scheme of ulmitime assholery, all came to pass. This proves Kevin was wrong for once, he’s not a good guy, no one is. I was right, everyone in this world is a massive, raging, dickwad, but I’ll never know who, since they're all better liars than me. I turned aggressive to Rubin, just standing there, half naked, feigning shame, like a clown. I scowled and pointed my finger at him, like a lover scorned. 

“You…you already got accepted?”

“Early decision yeah, guess they were too excited to wait till Monday-”

“Oh my god, oh no, Kevin, this is gonna break his heart.”

“Oh, Kevin's a big boy, he’ll get over it. And by the way, you know most people don't actually get into Harvard, right? Believe it or not, but it is, in fact, really expensive, and a famously difficult glass ceiling to shatter. and It's Especially infamously impossible for a couple of Queer Jersey dirtbags under the poverty line to get in. Don't act so shocked, everyone in the world knows it’s impossible.”

“Oh Yeah, well if it’s so impossible to get into, then how come…you managed to get in? A guy whose daddies rotting in jail, barely maintains straight A’s, and spends all his time playing in a wannabe sell out rock band with a distinct lack of any extra cucurcialrs! How the hell did someone like you manage to get in then, assuming you're not full of shit. hmm, so…how did you pull it off, i'm dying to know? Cuz I know it wasnt nepotism, or legitimate test scores!???” I was fuming, my rock n roll rage demon had been unlocked. The rage, Kevin could usually talk me down from, but he wasn't here now, and I had to defend his honor, at all costs. Rubin stalked me like a Hyena.

“Awwwww, and here I thought you’d be happy for me? But no, because I’m still some hick-dummy who couldn't possibly pass a stupid test on his own, you just can't fathom a way I could have gotten into Harvard on my own merits. Now who's being paranoid. I get though, you’ve made me a chahrtchter, who’s incapable of feats of basic intelligence, and whose sole aim in this world is to meddle in your brother’s perfect rags-to-riches manifest destiny!? Ugh, you know, one of these days, you're gonna have to wake up and realize other people have better things to do than to suck your dick and tell you how great your stupid band is! Shocker, I'm sure. But I'm actually going places man, I didn't just cheat, I actually worked for it. Unlike you, I'm not a desilouisville, pathetic, missiberle failure, who thinks he’s got anything to offer this world!” danm, that was harsh. This was getting real, I could feel the tension build, and the sun finish setting outside, as the room took on a dim glow, like we were fighting by candle light. As if the Roadies outside, knew preficily how to light such a number.

“...Ok, I'm sorry man. Kevin’s gonna get the beating of his life tonight, and may never recover, and may have a pulmonary embolism and die on the operating table, and his death may cause the planets to align and usher in the apaoagcpse. But…you know, that's fine, it's all good, man. It's too late now, right, so there's nothing anyone can do, might as well learn to love it”

“Wait…Really?” Rubin said, expecting more of a fight. But of course, I wasn't done, I was just playing his game. Blowing steam right up his ass. There's one thing Kevin’s taught me, It's that you catch more with a spoonful of honey then a spoon full of flies, and right now…I was all honey. To change my dementor to get him to let his guard down, so I could get the upper hand. Use his own seductive song and dance against him, and this time, take the lead. Fem fatale 101, and according to many, many sources, I'm really good at sucking up. 

“Yes, yes of course. I do apologize for being so crass earlier, emotions are just so high. But yes, you're right, you deserve to go to Harvard, no doubt about it! Kevin is so entitled he recruited me to avenge him, but he’d blinded me to the true reality of the situation. There are two sides to every story afterall. Screw Kevin you know, forgive my prior passions, but your right, you are!'' Rubin crossed his arms and raised one eyebrow, not quite convinced yet of my sudden change of heart.

“Really, hmmm…are you fucking with me man?”

“No not all, why the fuck would I do that??? dude, I've just had a change of heart, sometimes one must take a moment to conister one's position before moving forward. I mean I've been under kevins thumb for so long, I couldn't see the truth until now, you've made me see the light, woken me up, from his trane and I am forever in your debt! You're right, he’s just not a good role model, so foolishly happy and optimistic, god knows how he’ll ever function in the real world. You know, how it is. Honor, chivalry, brotherly code, but sometimes when defending the ones you love, you forget what you were fighting for. Kevin, is a big boy indeed, as you so aptly said, he knows –you don't always get what you want.”

“Rolling stones?”

“That’s the song! How did you know song quoting was the key to my heart, hehe. So, let's start over, shall we?”

“Yes…please…” He tried to come onto me again, but I pulled away, teasing him as long as possible. He just sighed and cocked his head back.

“But Where are my mannes, congratulations! Harvard, wow…that is a big deal, we should celebrate.” I poured us some leftover beer from the floor into two clean looking red solo cups, and held them up to toast”

“A toast to Harvard, to your health and happiness, may it bring, no student debt, many well paying job opportunities, and much rock n roll satisfaction!”

“I can't get no-satisfaction!?” We both sang together, and laughed.

“Hmmm, I can change that..” Rubin said, interrupting our tost (cheeky)

“Cheers to that!” we both drink up as he was clearly eating up my praise 

“SO tell me Harvard boy, what are you majoring in? Will you be living in Cambridge, cuz I heard those Havrd boys like to play fast and loose, if you know what I mean.” 

I said, in the most over the top, disinechounois happy voice I could muster, accompanied by the fakest of smiles. He wanted me to be happy for him? Fine, I was so FUCKING HAPPY FOR HIS BIG, EPIC INCREIDBLE ACOMPLSIHMENT I COULDNT EVEN CONTAIN MY UNBRIDENLED JOY AND HAPPYNISS!! HAHA”

But Rubin just crossed his arms and smirked, as he laughed heartily. 

“Harvard? No silly, I was just messing with you, Of course i'm not actually ‘attending Harvard’ what! Are you kidding me? What kind of rocker do you think I am, some kind of Waspy poser!? You…you didn't think I was really going did you?” This is when Robin went from annoying heartbreaker to full on super villain, my jaw dropped.

‘Wait, what!?, so…If you weren't even planning on going? Then why-WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN BOTHER APPLYING THEN!?  WHY? WHY GO THROUGH ALL THE TROUBLE, OF TESTING AND TUTORING AND CHEATING. THEN WHAT IN THE INFERNAL HELL WAS EVEN THE POINT!??” I screamed, starting to lose all detectable rementents of my remaining sanity

“Well…I didn't want to reveal this, until, AFTER, we win the battle tonight, but, because I like you, I’ll grant you early access. So, me and Rolling veins have a record deal pending in New York, one of my buddies has a sister who hooked us up with a meeting with this major label. We’ll be moving up there, in the rare event that the battle falls through. But this label is mad competitive, and you see man they need us to cut a concept album, before they can market us. So we signed some contracts, and promised them a hell of an album baby. an album about, you guessed it Going to Harvard, and the life and trauma of the unliberated elite. It’s brilliant I know, the unseen truth of the brainwashing and unfulfilled desires of the 1%. and It would involve, you guessed it, me going to Harvard for the first few weeks of July, for research purposes only, then coming back to the studio for the rest of the month to cut the album. We’ve already started recording, and our manager even predicted this could be the best selling record of the summer, especially our title track, “HARVARD DROPOUT” which I sound peridomiciliary badass on. It’s gonna be so epic, man, and the best part is, the novelty of the lead singer ACTUALLY going getting into and attending a semester at Harvard, all just for the album!? It's like method acting but for a musician, just knowing that will do wonders for consumer interest, let alone for kick-starting our careers.”

“.....I think I need to sit down” I mumbled, I was speechless. Rubin helped me to the bed as I finished getting dressed myself, and just sat there, in shock. I don't know if I could handle another brightpearl, but I just sat there with my jaw agape, attempting to process everything he just said. I didn't even know what there was left to say, I mean, what could I say? What could Luke Skywalker do when darth vader just revealed his entire evil plan to him, in a painstakingly honest, and preplaned villain speech? Well, he fought back, that’s what, he trained, and came back stronger than ever, and defeated him.(I'm just talking about the return of the jedi, for the record because unlike Luke, I don't have time to lose an arm, get frozen and French my sister.)

“Hey, but just so were clear, everything I told you is totally confidential. If you tell a soul-straight to my Torture dongon”

“Oh, Why don't you take me there then? Torture me, cut me up and levee my body mutilated on the side of the road. Take me there now, if it really exists, which I don't believe it does!”

“Why, should I be worried you wont keep your trap shut?”

“No, mutually assured destruction, remember? Anyway, that's a stpupid plan. I mean, what about Kevin? What about all the other poor kids in our district, in the world that would have been killed for that spot, that’s families worked for generations just to get a chance to go to Harvard? What about them huh? How can live with yourself, hogging one of their precious spots just for a stupid album release gimmick!”

“Hey, everyone always steps on each other to get ahead, man, that's life. As they say, it's a long way to the top when you want to rock n roll.” He said, raising an eyebrow, attempting to single quote his way back into my heart, to no avail.

“Stop, it’s lost its charm.”

“Pfft, what charm? You need to wake up man, I didn't do anything to you or your sorry brother that was bound to happen sooner or later. The American dream is a myth dude, it doesn't exist! It’s all a lie they tell you from birth so you don't grow up to overthrow the government! It’s all fake ok, in the real world, there's no such thing as honesty, sobriety, equal pay, trial by jury, success, orgasms or the rock n roll hall of fame! The sooner you wake up and realize all that fairy tale shit, the better!”

“I think you're projecting…”

“Careful… your…testing my patience.”

“WHAT PATINCE!?”

“You're going there now....Really dude?”

“Sorry, man, my bad, I know how revered you are, for your…endless patience and kind good natured all american values!??”

We fell silent for a moment, letting the pain and resentment fester.

“Look, I'm sorry it had to happen like this man. Maybe if we’d met later in life, things could have been different.”

“Maybe, maybe not, either way you were right about one thing. I may be naive, but you're a terrible liar.”

“It seems that way…”

“And even after all you’ve done, I always knew you were lying to me, I just chose not to believe it because the truth was just too heinous man, alright! You could have at least done me the honor of lying well, or at least keeping me in the dark until graduation, and I’d never have to know the truth, or see your stupid, butt chin-face again!? Everyone feels like they need to lie to protect me or lie to keep me in the dark, and I can always see through it. You wanna know why?”

“Why? ”

“Because I'm lucky enough to know the world's best lair…besides Ragan that is.”

“And who would that be?”

“Kevin. He told me you were a good guy for months, and I believed him, until now. and you know what, he probably still believes it as we speak, and I wish I could keep it that way. But the truth must come out, it always does.”

“Ok, drama queen, dial back the melodrama, will ya? Anyway, he wasn't lying. I'm not a good guy, I lied to him and said I wanted you for more than sex, yeah I bet he told you that one, too. I told him all kinds of swishy washy shit to make sure he’d stay on the hook for tutoring, at least until I could nap the IAP when he wasn't looking. I'm a bad person, man. I've done some awful shit, I don't give a damn about other people, and I’d do anything to get ahead, as you’ve clearly discovered. You were right about me all along it seems, I bet it feels pretty great to be vindicated huh?”

“Yeah, but in this case, it would feel a whole lot better if I was wrong” 

“Yeah, I bet it would. But I can still make you feel good…in the only way that matters. Either way, I need to get ready for the battle of the band’s soon, so we either we can fuck or dont let the door or the dog hit you on the way out.” He said, crossing his arms.

“Well I'm already here so…I Might as well.”

“Right on. Let’s see if those rumors are true, death cheater” Rubin said snickering, 

letting his robe fall, totally butt naked again, kissing me on the lips. He kissed me long and hard, and the moment was passionate and romantic, liberating even, until I remembered he was just doing it to disarm me and get me off his case, yet again! God, I can't keep letting him get away with this. I wanted to push him off, me, I wanted to beat him into the ground, like I should have done all night. But instead I went limp, as a newly sinister feeling swept over me. I squinted my eyes, finally pushing him away, wiping his spit off my face. I just glared at him, struggling to find words to yell at him, to scream at him, for Kevin and all he’d done, but no words came out. Naturally he simply took my struggle as a feather invitation to get even ruger.

Jesus christ, now I am angry. He was bad news, man, he was a sexy-beautiful, incredibly patient, my first time, talented, badass, ridiculously handsome…Dirty asshole! He was garbage, no matter how hot he was, and I wouldn't let him lull me into thinking otherwise again! to just pray on my celebrity, and lack of spine to do anything about any of this! he knew my type, how easy it was to take advantage of me, to take advantage of my brother, who’s so kind and selfless he wouldn't hurt a war criminal even if he was being ordered to at gunpoint. He took advantage of my feelings, and lack of experience, of gay secrets, of my remaining hope and broken home. My inner conflict over him was growing tiresome, even though I was bored of it by now.

But it just destroyed me on some level, more than other things did for some reason, I couldn't let him go. Even though he just ended up treating me like a failure, like a debate, desperate, floundering, disappointed, wate of human life, a worthless liar, a pathetic useless eater, leach on the face of society, just like everyone else. He used Kevin, he used me. I hated him, I wanted him to suffer. He sold out before he even got famous, he’s literally the exact opposite of what I want to be as a rocker, and a person. And the worst part is, he doesn't even care, he knows what he did to kevin was wrong, and that he screwed us over, but just doesn't care. He doesn't even have feelings man, he’s like a grade A psycho! I wouldn't even be surprised if his murder dongon was real. He ignited a fire inside me, not the sexy kind, but the fuming, uncontrolled, pent up rage kind that has been building for years. The kind of rage that Kevin is usually there to quell, but he wasn't here now. I needed to avenge him, I mean Kev stood up for me my whole life, even when it meant putting his ass on the line. I could not just let this stand, let this selfish prick stomp on his whole entire future just for some tacky concept album stunt! I mean, who goes to Harvard just for a semester, just to write a shitty album about how it sucks to get brainwashed by the Harvard elite, it’s like…does he not see the hypocorcy!? I mean, Kevin did say that he also applied to yale, brown, and Princeton as backups, he tried to confort be yesterday that their great schools too, if not better, and if he didn't get in it wasnt the end of the world, and that sometimes life doesn't go according to plan. but Jesus, he only said that before he knew it was because of the extract behind the scenes meddling that he admittedly denied. Oh christ, I gotta tell him, I gotta leave, meet him at the house, and tell him before the battle! But no, that will definitely fuck with his head and his preofomance tonight, he cant know. I mean, Monday he’ll find out regardless, when he gets his acceptance letter in the mail, unless he also got an early decision then…he might already have figured it out. But whether he knows yet or not, this was his honor on the line. I had to defend him, I had to get back at this guy before the battle tonight, where's he’s so fucking sure he’s gonna win, and rub his victory in our faces.

No! I can't take it anymore! Man, I’ve had enough of this same old song and dance, this same repetitive, never ending merry go round of bullshit! (hey that’s clever, I'll shout and turn it into a song.) I’m so sick and tired of feeling so inferior, like a wastoid, a loser, a mistake, an embracement, a failure that no one will ever love or be truly proud of! I'm just so done, with feeling so hopeless and disgusting all the time, too heinous to even be pitied.  It's like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to succeed I always end up falling flat, crashing and burning spectalapourly, only proving that I was a future all along. Like destiny, as if Kevin was born to succeed and I was born to fail, and no matter what I do, neither of us can escape our fate. We are tethered to who we are, and no matter what happens in life, or what good luck you have or success you achieve, you just can't escape that jerk in the mirror. So since I’m doomed to fail no fail, why not just give up. 

But, I just can't accept that fate, not yet, I wasn't going down without a fight.I wasn't content to continue my days, succumbing to Rubins nysthsitic phisopshy, reduced to feeling profoundly insecure, powerless, and ashamed. No, I would take back a semblance of control, I would be the one writing the story  for once. This was my Revenge, and it would be totally outrageous! I sat on the bed, continuing to play up my submission and subservience, as I let him kiss and have his way with me. Playing along, as I checked my watch, cutting it a bit close to get to the battle on time. But with just enough time left, to intact my revenge. Now, most great revenge plots take months of meticulous preparation, but this one came to me in an instant. Like a sign from the rock gods, everything seamlessly fell into place. I spotted the Super 8 camera that I dropped earlier. It was still lying on the floor by the bed, so I grabbed it and checked: it wasn't broken, thank god. My plan was simple: hide the camera, pretend to forgive him, do it with Rubin on the bed, for real this time, and film the entire thing, for just a little bit of…tasteful blackmail. That I may or may not make copies at the film lab and put one in the mailbox of everyone in town, and every loccor of everyone at school…to discover for themselves, on graduation day. Not to mention a little tatsu fll spray paint in the hallways, outing his sorry as gay, just in case there was any confusion. And while I'm at it, since Rubin still thinks I clocked through sheer luck, and not the love list, I might just leak the loveliest too, heck I’ll leak the whole damn operation! Give Rubin and half those graduating jock's a taste of their own medicine. Since I’d been expelled, I would just sneak onto school property Sunday night, and the next day, I’d just sit back and watch it all burn down from a distance. Like, one last hurrah, before I finally leave town, watching all those bastards fail around in their caps and gowns, failing to deny the rumors, watching opportunities and friends drop like flies, it must suck to feel like a fire when you had the world handed to you, now doesn't it. But, Lester, you ask, what about you, you’d be outing yourself too, won't that cause issues with the band!? 

Well Here's the thing about mutually assured distraction, it tends not to work when one party has nothing to lose. I found the Stolen IAP and Harvard experience letter on the floor, folding them up as Tiny as Rubin's note, shoving them in my pocket, for future evidence. So I Placed the camera behind in a position on the window sill out of sight, getting the most salacious angle possible. I then turned to him, revenge was a best dish best served…steaming.

I then did what he’d wanted all night and aggressively pushed him on the bed, shoving him down like an MMA takedown. His eyes windeed, with pupils dilated from one of the many drugs in his system kicking in. but he smiled eagerly up at me, not breaking eye contact. Yes, perfect Rubin, just strap in, tonight you're getting rocked like a hurricane, I’ll be your category 5 storm.

 I swifty mounted him, let out a long moan of raw pleasure, and not being squashed because I was crushing his ribs. Already off to a good start.

“Ahhhhhhhhh” He winced

“You're weak, you know that?” I was domineering, harsh, trying to sound as masochistic as those Leather guys, taking myself as seriously as possible.

 

 I was no longer smitten, I hated this guy, with the passion of a thousand christians. I was done playing nice, Kevin was right confine is sexy, but so is raw, unbridled rage. Tonight I was making him my bitch, and playing it up for the camera.  This guy might have been turned on now, but he wouldn't be when everyone in school saw what he really gets up to in his free time. Was unethical, yes. Was it rock n roll, absolutely.  I then ripped my clothes off, after just putting them back on.

Then I grabbed my star wars lunch box, that he requested I bright for this very purpose, condoms. I unripped the biggest one I could find with my teeth. Good thing he made me bring em,I looked around his mess of a room and he didn't have any. I hope he used them on his alleged, many past lovers, because Kevin was being a bit dramatic about the whole Aids thing, but I didn't trust this guy, especially with that shit, so I wasn't taking any chances. He rubbed my chest, and bit his lip as he looked up at me, seemingly ready fuck away his betrayl away. I put my hand around his neck, ready to choke him (but of course, that seemed to turn him on even more)

“Awwwwww, you like that?” I tied my grip, of my chubby hands around his neck, paying special attention to his adams apple, bobbing up and down.

“Fuck yeahhh, choke me like that-”

“Heh, oh I will. Cuz, I'm in charge now.” I said, choking him harder, I felt him tremble under me like a baby seal, dragged out to shore. I kept looking back to the camera, to make sure it was still recording…and getting the best angles. He just nodded his head, breathlessly, at my dominant posturing.

“Don't worry, I forgive you for all that Havrard shit. It’s just like you said, it doesn't matter right? Nothing matters-”

“-Nothing except rock n roll, right?”

“Yeahhhhhhhhhh, you bet your ass! Screw Kevin right, your Harvard album scheme is gonna be nothing short of genius. I idolize you man, You're a true prophet of rock” I tried to lie convincingly without being interrupted by another distracting bonner. I was not even turned on anymore, I was driven. 

  “Yeah, and dont you forget it…Ohhhh, fuck!” He grunted, as I finally tested my stale lunchbox condom in the field. He started making midi-guitar faces. 

“That's right man.-” I leaned in close to within an inch of his wet lips.

“-Rock n roll isnt about college, it’s all about fucking the man.”

“Heh, good thing you're at that—uhhh, slow down!” he whispered within an inch of his life. Rubin was such a bad person, but all he wanted was for me to fuck him into a fversih frenzy, apraerty the most power hungry evil pepole all wannbe powerless in the bedroom, Jusluis Cesar, power Bottom, true story, so was Michel Jackson, Lou Reed, Flea, and Ronald Rangan’s Vice president, Mr. Gorge W. Bush. (Don't ask how I know that.)

But I’ll spare you the salacious details, you can read about them in the tabloids tomorrow like everyone else…or if you're lucky, you'll find a very special tape in your mailbox.  Long story short, I taped the entire thing, Years Later Tommy Lee and Pam would discover the true cultural capital of the sex tape, and even more so in the porno boom of the early internet. But I was always an early adopter, and trend setting visionary even back then to this day, I still don't know how Rubin never noticed the Camera filming us on the window sill.

 

  I truly leaned the meaning of the term “Hate-fuck” I was so furuious, he could tell I was too, I was getting so aggressive and intense, almost choked him half to death. But it only seemed to turn him on even more, just like every other freakish thing I did. Well, let's just say, he’s dumb as rocks and never noticed the camera, the entire time. but he didnt need a lobatormy for me to fuck his brains out. We just laid side by side on the bed, gooey, sticky, pantaing, and winded. In the same position the male species often finds itself in. We just stared at each other for a minute, thinking of something reflective and witty to say. 

I can't believe I just did that. Am I really a guy who does salacious pre-show hookups and casual blackmail? Is that really the type of Rocker I wanna be?

Well Anyway, By the end all I could think about was the sorry look on his face when my plan was complete. Sadly, this was my only hookup that had ever gone this far, and it couldn't have gone better…for my plan that is. Despite still riding my owl supervillain high I can't help but wish it happened under better circumstances, literally any other circumstances. Like most chicks wig out over their first time, and all those bathroom hookups don't count, but I don't know, isn't there supposed to be you know, a tad more romance in love, maybe even some feelings? Well, in the movies anyway, But what else is there, man, life isn't like the movies or the chorus of a rock song, love doesn't really exist like that, but part of me wishes it did. Part of me, deep down, wishes the phrase making love was taken a bit more literally. But alas, no time for regret, the show must go on.

After he finished, we fell back on the mattress, out of breath. As he closed his eyes and rolled around in his own jizz and fitch, I seized my chance to turn off the camera, ending the tape. I immediately started getting re-dressed, for the third time now, shoving the tape deep in my left pants-pocket, along with the Iap and Harvard letter in the right. I turned back at him, after he finished moaning and panting like a scuba diver gasping for air. So I just contacted the charade, like it was second nature, gushing about how revolutionary he was in bed, and how much he would love our battle of the bands Leather garb. He just cackled at the idea of us wearing Leather, still fully naked. We checked our watches, but by now, we were officially late. 

“Fuck, were late.”

“Well, you better get your fine ass home, then” he said, slapping my butt cheek with heinous confidence. Ugh, men.

So the mad dash for clothes commenced, I scrambled to finish getting dressed without losing any of the evidence, or stepping on broken beer bottles.

With his back turned, Rubin proceeded to put on his band gear which was hanging in his closet, right above the mount. Dirty socks. He elegantly slipped on his band gear with zero issue, I couldn't help but stare. His outfit consisted of mostly crimson v-neck skin tight circus leotards, with big scarlet, doctrtive mistatry jackets, and red poilits hats. Jesus, and I thought Leather was a wild look, well at least he had a constant palette, red DID go really well with his eyes. The man did love red, maybe because it's the color of my blood, after he spits it any minute now. I couldn't wait around here for him to find out what I did, let alone be even more late than I already was. SO with his back turned, only half dressed, I slipped out the backdoor, without saying even goodbye.

I grabbed my bike, avoiding the wild mut in the front yard, now out like a light, as the sun had finished its set, and it was the moon's time to shine. I rode back home, with the speed on mad max, tearing ass down the freeway like I welded my rickety old bike to be a badass Harley.  I peddled across the busted ghetto, which was even more sketchy after hours. I rode so fast no doubt I knocked over a few old ladies along the way. Mother of god, my heart was racing, I can't believe I just did that? Shit, I couldn't tell Kevin. but I had too, right? I mean, he’ll find out one way or another in the next few days, either way, It will be too heartbreaking to bear. Well, no matter what, justice will be coming soon. Monday morning, his graduation wouldn't be tainted, because Rubin’s comeuppance would be so sweet! Man, it’s gonna be so percent, I just know it would instantly make everything better, and he’ll see how much I love him, and appreciate him, and how far I was willing to go to avenge his honor. After all his years of sticking his neck out for me, I got to stick to the brotherly code man, I signed an oath. And he’ll thank me for it, I know he will…right? 

Well there was no time for self-doubt now, not ever. After the past year and a half of training for this moment, Kevin was right, we had to keep our eye on the prize. Man, we had one final boss battle tonight, and until we walk off that stage, nothing else on earth has clearance to enter my brain, not even the entire world falling apart around us. I pulled my bike up to the house, seeing Kevin had already started loading our band equipment into the van. Everyone had clearly been doing some last minute rehearsing without me in the garage, despite our agreement not too. Trent groaned when he saw me helping Kevin move Beans’ full drum set into the trunk. 

“Oh, Look who decided to show up?” Kevin said

“Hey, Kevin, sorry I'm late, I got held up-” I said, walking towards them on the lawn, inadvertently getting into Kevin’s way.  

“Where the hell were you? Wait-you know what, I don't want to know. Just, help me with this. ” I ran to catch the drums, before they slipped through Kevin's greasy fingers. We shoved it into the back of the van, strapping it down, so it wouldn't slide. 

“Ahh, that should be the last of it” Kevin said, dusting off his hands

“Wait, you guys are done already!?”

“Tough Titty, you should've been on time!” Lenny said, giving Beans another tattoo on the front lawn. As if they’d been waiting for me all day. 

“Yeah, Mickey Fingers is never on time. Ok troops, I think that's everything! ok, everybody Get in! If we leave now, we can beat the Friday night traffic” Of course, all our instruments were already in the van. Before skipping a beat, Kevin slid into the driver’s seat.

We all slid in after him, one by one with no time to lose. 

“Shotgun!” Lenny yelled, right in my ear.

“Nice try, but Trent’s got a shotgun. Backseat has no room man, he can't squish his daddy's long legs back there, he needs me to play bass…”

“Ugh fine! Why do seniors always pick first, man. You bet your ass next year, I’ll be riding shotgun in my sleep!” Lenny said, taking a swig from his flask. Jesus, Lenny, drinking already? Oh man, this was  gonna be a long night. Me, Lenny, and beans slid into the back row, in that order, then Trent slid into the front seat next to Kevin. He shoved in his car keys, stating the dusty ignition right up, it shook the van with a volcanic rumble, sounding like the last cough of the industrial revolution. He adjusted his mirror, to smirk at us in the backseat, squished together like unholy sardines. He carefully pulled out of the garage, shaking the little Bruce Springsteen bobblehead on the dashboard. This van was falling apart at the seams, the seat cushions being held together by duct tape and gorilla glue. There was about a zillion pounds of junk under the seats, from old teddy bears, to neglected boxes of records and old photographs, to half eaten protein bars. Under my seat, there was even a broken rock and sock em robot that resumed fighting again every time we hit a pothole. Well, this is what you get when you borrow a Van last minute, beggars can’t be choosers, or drivers. Kevin was actually a perfect driver though, go figure.

“Wait! Kev, what about the Leather?''I interjected, right as we pulled out of our driveway. It was my duty to double check if they really packed everything in my absence. This was the first night of the rest of our lives, I’d be damned if I trusted my brother too much, and we forgot amps, or god forbid, the leather. 

“Packed it”

“The makeup?”

“Packed it.”

“....The booze??”

“in the trunk”

“It better be!”Lenny said, right on que

“We got everything man, no wigging required!”Kevin said, flippantly

“Ugh, Jesus fuck Lester, what happened to your hair, and…is that another hickey” Trent gawked, turning back to make sure Lenny and Beans joined in the mockery. He clocked it, less than a minute in the car, and it was all going to shitsvile. Just as I’d feared. Trent had been around, so there was no hiding, he knew exactly what I’d been doing. I couldn't deny it, I was properly disheveled.

 “Jeez man, save some for the rest of us!?” Lenny pried, elbowing me, looking smarmy as hell, as everyone in the van was hit by laughing gas.

“Do the universe a favor, and give your mouth a break”  

“Ohhhhhhh, shit dude! Don't make me jealous, come on who is she?”Lenny said, absolutely colonizing my personal space, pretending to smooch me, like it was 3rd grade all over again. Beans promptly did the same.

“Y-y-eah, w-w-who is she, man?” Beans said, as they both started to tickle me and rough house, to Trent’s sadistic pleasure. All of them, still under the false impression that they were comedic geniuses. They could laugh now, but they still didn't have a clue what I really did, and I was keeping it that way.  

“Guys, guys lay off Lester, aight? He’s a rock star now, he can't help it” Kevin to the rescue! Can always count on him to swoop in and save my ass, with his quick wit, charm, and unreasonably perfect timing. He did his classic reassuring smirk/wink combo. I just smiled, sighing with relief. Finally, with full permission to just sit back, and enjoy the ride. I turned to Lenny, and Beans, who quickly lost interest, simply adjusting their seat belts and staring out the window at the twilight covered highway.

“Whatever, man, we all know you were probably just beating off to the fucking Chili peppers.” Lenny conceded, chugging the rest of his flask, and tossing it out the car window. 

“Woah, hey! Lenny, there will be no littering in my van!” Kevin ordered.

“This isn't your van-”

“ha, ha! Len, what are ya, trying to help pedestrians rediscover gravity!? Don't get all beat up over it man, Murder is a part of life. Besides, they can't trace it to you.''Trent said.

“Y-y-yeah Lenny, they d-d-ont c–call it, t-the trail of t-t-ears for n-nothing” Beans said, as usual, with his heart in the right place, but his brain on a coffee break.

“Uhhhh, Beans that’s not quite r-also Lenny, don't blow through all your booze now, I know my brother probably told you it's glamorous, but real rock stars drink responsibly.”

'`Kev’ what would you know about being a real rock star? Enlighten me, Harvard Boy?!” I mocked. Oh shit, I said it again. I was so used to calling him Harvard boy, I did it again by habit, despite the recent revelation that he won't be going there. Rubin stole his spot, but he can't steal his dreams, man, lies are always easier to roll with. Besides, Harvard boy is a spot on nickname, especially for Kev. 

“Um…after all the time I've spent playing with you clowns? Yeah, I may have picked up a few things…''Kevin said Uber sarcastically, ever averting his gaze from the road, and the emerging traffic jam he was determined to beat.

“Ok, like what?”

“Oh, I donno, maybe Lenny is like Mozart on the keys, but he shouldn't be drunk off his ass on stage, where he can't stand up straight, or see the keys, let alone the audience!? You know high level “rock god” shit man, real complex stuff, to not be a drunken mess and get us booed off stage.``

“Ugh you guys, again, I'm right here!” Lenny shouted, peeved with not being the center of attention for a jiffy. Also, Kevin is right, since when was Lenny such a heavy drinker. Kevin better check again if we were trying to blame my influence on him, I mean Lenny doesn't need corrupting, he’s more debaucherous then I am (well, he talks a big game anyway.) We’ve been over this, rock n roll is about the music first, man! Besides, sex drugs and rock n roll don't include alcohol. (They do, I’m just giving you a hard time, buddy!).

“Kevin, I've had a long  week ok, I'm allowed to have a few drinks ok? Just to take the edge off.”Lenny said.

“Gosh, you sound like dad.”

“Does your dad beat ya?” Trent smacked Lenny for that, as the car fell silent.

“Ahhhhh, ow, ah!”

“UGh, Lenny! Jesus christ, you're a lucky bastard! If we were not in this van I’ll show you what a real beating looks like!”

“Ok, take it easy Trent, and Lenny behaves! Ha, ha, I bet you uncle frosty’s already there, do you want us to tell him how you’ve been drinking, and running your mouth?”

“Nooooooo” Lenny said, sliding back in his seat.”

“That's what I thought. Now Let me get us there without crashing this thing.”

“Oh shit! I forgot Frosty was judging. Ugh, Lenny you're just spoiled, man.” Trent said.

“Why, your old man aint coming?”

“Are you kidding, my old man would never make it to Trenton, hell, it would be a miracle if he made it out of bed.” Trent said, playing with a piece of hair that was sticking out of the glove compartment. 

“Oh, bummer man. Well, as just made evident, our folks will definitely not be in attendance, either. What about you Lenny, Beans, anyone coming out?”

“n-n-no, m-mom’s o-o-ot of t-t-town, still.” Beans said.

“Yeah, I think it’s just frosty, man, my mom doesn't even know I'm still doing this. But, I dont want her there anyway, she’s probably busy, off cheating on dad again, with the same old greasy cowboy fuck.”

“Ahhhhh, What about you Lessie, any special friends in the audience tonight? Hmm?” He winked again, clearly just wanted to speak in euphemisms  now, but considering the growing layers of subterfuge forming, it seemed best. If I had known I’d be mentally juggling so many secrets of who knows what, and who can't yet, I might have created a secret code or something.

“Ooooooooooo” Lenny and Beans immediately resumed elbowing and swooning. I rolled my eyes, knowing Kevin was just being coy.

“No, who would be coming tonight, man? Pfft, you guys know I’m a stallion, I can't be tied down.” 

“Sure, whatever you say, man. Well, it doesn't matter anyway, Rubin’s still gonna be there.” Oh jeez, this is becoming a slippery slope.

“Yeah, as our competition?”

“Man, yeah, but he’s still gonna be there. Heck, he probably already is. Rubin is never late.”

“You got that right '' I coyly mumbled, I don't know how late he was in his tutoring sessions, but in bed…he was a lot of things, but late is not one of them.

“Guys dont forget, we're good sports! So we’ll be cordial with all our competition. We will win with humility, and lose with dignity. And that goes for all of you! Especially if there's history between you.” He glared right at me in the review view mirror,thinking maybe he knew more than he let on.

“Ughhhhhhhh,!”I groaned, as the moment of silence dragged on

“Now guys, don't wig out, we got this. But be prepared, be ready. Rolling Veins is a force to reckon with. Rubin played me his new opener during our last session, what was it called again, oh yeah, Dirty Harry! Damn, guys I'm telling you that song was a bonafide crowd pleaser, and based on the lyrics about seduction and heartbreak, it's sure to hit that sweet spot for the judges. But don't worry, there is no match for our set, isn't that right Lester?” Oh, Kevin, you poor, poor boy, you've awakened a monster.

“Heartbreak? So it was about me…” I mumbled

“What?”

“I said–uh, you bet your ass we're beating that Rubin, heh, beating him so hard, face down into the ground!-er, I mean, beating Rolling Veins! Yeah! Ugh! Let me tell you, we are not gonna let that stupid, rat faced, nimrod-back stabber beat us with his awful sell out, crowd pleasing garbage! Mark my words, if Rolling Veins wins, tonight I am—changing my name and moving to Staten Island! I BET 1 million dollars, ONE MILLION DOLLARS! IF THEY WIN MAN, THEY’LL BE A FUCKING RIOT AT SUMMIT! A FUCKING BLOOD BATH!!!” I raged, finishing, panting and out of breath like an overworked oompa loompa, 

“Ok place your bets, I bet we lose, either way I'm getting rich” Lenny chimed in.

“That's not how betting works, genius.” Trent sighed

“Either way, we're getting the million dollars, Beans, we can split it fifty fifty.” Beans turned to Lenny to continue betting on an empty metaphor.

“W-what about t-t-the riot?”

“No, no, the riot is just a mitigating factor. '' I couldn't help but chuckle at Lenny using words he doesn't understand, gets me every time. 

“W-what ab-bout i-if one of the o-o-other b-bands win?”

“Hmmmm, good point, Beans. Lester, let's say we do win, and there is no riot, then do we still get the million dollars  (plus tax)?”

“THERE IS NO MILLION DOLLARS!”I shrieked

“Wow, ok. Someone isn't messing around.” Lenny said, sinking back into his seat, in shame and fear. As beans slinked down with him, sliding out of their seatbelts. Looking at me like I was crazy, even though they were the ones who thought I was in possession of one million dollars, and would use it to bet on…us? Jesus, sarcasm is on fucking life support, I swear.

“Guys, get up. You know I didn't really mean all that shit, man-Quit playing dumb,-”

“I dont think their playing” Trent said

“-Look guys, it was just a blank threat, ok? What matters is that we beat them, at all costs. Not by cheating or by force, but by rocking their worlds so hard that we cause a fucking earthquake!”

“That's the spirit, See, Lessie has the right idea!” Kevin cheered. 

“I donno, man, I'm just trying to get laid” Lenny mumbled 

“L-l-ets be r-real, m-man were the u-u-underdogs h-here, m-most of these guys have w-whole careers a-a-already, and h-have w-won b-before. U-s W-w-winning isn't likely, m-man.”

“Woah, hold the phone!? Where did the morale go in this van? See, I don't know about you guys, but I came to win. We have been preparing for this thing for our entire lives, and practiced every night for the past two years to get where we are. —FUCK YOU, STAY IN YOUR LANE, MAN!!” Kevin yelled at some dude out the window. Traffic was unreal right now. But over the interstate I could see the city limits, and a massive highway sign that read “You are now entering Trenton, NJ” So we were close, I could feel my heart pounding thinking about how close we were.

“Anyway, guys. Lets not go to bummerville, right now ok? Like we've been over this a billion times, we need to remove our heads from our asses, and keep them squarely on our shoulders, alright?! Sure, the competition might be more experienced and established, but thanks to Frosty, we studied for months the weaknesses of every last one of them, we know how to get ahead, and stand out. Witch…if wearing Leather and singing a 10 minute song about wanting to have sex with the Statue of Liberty as a Metaphor for American exerpenoism…is not  standing out from the grizzled dad-rock comptish, I don't know what is''

“Oh, We're gonna stand out alright, stand outside in the rain waiting for the bus after we lose” Lenny moped, everyone rolled their eyes. Also what Bus, does he think the “riot” will consfactae our van too?

“Look man, I don't know why you're Mr. Killjoy all of sudden, but pull that stick out of your ass right now, and don't forget, what god put you on this earth to do…”

“And what's that, Trent-on’” Lenny, back with the passive aggressive wordplay

“ROCK!” Everyone bellowed at him in unison, much to my excitement. 

“-and play that smooth Keyboard, because dude, that's all you gotta do.”

“That’s all he can do!” Trent added

“And…Before you know it, the rest will fall into place, trust me!” Kevin, surmised

“Man, but like…what if we don't win? Are we all just gonna…give up? Like if we lose, what's the plan, we just gonna quit…right then and there? I mean we never even talked about this. We failed all our local gigs last year, Frosty’s betting all our horses on this, with…no backup plan? Like come on guys. Let’s be real realistic here. If we lose, what Happens to Bad decisions?” Lenny asked

“Realistic, REALISTIC? Lenny what the hell do you know about what's real, man, You're still living with Mommy, Uncle frosty all but handed you a rock career on a silver platter. For god sakes, you and Captain Fantastic over here, still cant tell your fucking girlfeinds apart!? So maybe you shouldn't elect yourself ambassador of reality, when your still renting relate in the clouds, ok?” Trent snipped, feeling especially snippy towards Lenny ever since that “Dads beating us' ' comment, I mean he was more offended by it then we were. No one really knew much about Trent’s past, but suffice it to say, it struck a chord.

“But seriously, what happens if we don't win, because as hard as we try tonight, there's always a possibility we’ll walk away, the same way we came in, total losers.”

“Lenny, you little shit! You do realize, EVERYTHING in life is that way, right? We might always lose, but…we also might win, and despite the odds, you gotta take that chance, otherwise man, you're not really living.”

“Wow Trent, that was Kinda deep.” I said, laughing as he flipped me off

“Ok…sure, life is full of endless possibilities, yada yada-whatever. But, I’m just talking about right now, Kevin, answer me straight, if we don't win, is Bad Decisions over?”

“Now Lenny, I really think we should be living in the moment-”

“Ok…Kevin, then answer me this, we all know you got into Harvard today, so when you move out to Cambridge mass, are you really planning on juggling playing guitar with your heinous Harvard workload? You have a girlfriend, do you think Roxy’s gonna be ok with you doing this forever, will you stay together long apart if you go on tour, is she even going to Harvard with you at all? After graduation, Trent is moving away too, he said so last night. You know beans and I have BIG plans this summer, Frosty’s taking us surfing in LA, and we all know It’s only a matter of time before Lester starts another band anyway. So…let’s be real Kev’, this is a high school band, and those never last. Hell, even if we win…and get the money for a record deal, and cut a good, even a great album. what then?” 

“What if we do, man? What if we become the greatest of all time overnight and sell out the boss, what if we get abducted by aliens 👽 or knighted by the queen, what if man? Either way, your wiggin over nothin, it’s all still a win-win situation?” 

“Yeah but, Kev Music’s changing all the time, even if in the best case scenario we get any legitimate success, rock n roll will probably be obsolete by then, and have moved on without us!”

“Rock n roll will never die, shut up Lenny, you're just bumming everyone out” I said trying to restore order .

“Look, maybe, maybe we’ll have a good run, a great one even. but even if we do,that will only give us, what, maybe one, two years...if that. So…So, what’s the point man? What’s the point of even trying? We all know this whole thing was never gonna last, let’s just turn around and drive home, cut our losses. Better to walk away with pride then hold on till the bitter end” Lenny said, asking all them questions I’d been dreading all week,especially since

Kevin promised he’d tell the band what he told me in the garage that night. But now, Lenny had backed him into a corner,and something told me he was done waiting, and everyone was gonna get their answers right here and now, whether they liked it or not. Oh jeez, let’s see how Kevin would put a positive spin on this one. But the whole time it agonized me just how much he didn't know, and I’d have to give him an even bigger truth bomb later, but he was always so mature, so I'm taking notes on his handling of it. I suddenly felt suffocated in the backseat sandwich with Lenny and Beans as Kevin prepared his thoughts, and licked his lips, gearing up to give his long awaited response. Jesus Christ, get me out of this fucking van already, the air closed in on me, as Kevin finally surpassed the traffic, bottling towards the future.

“LOOK guys, none of that shit matters, ok.-What really matters is-”

“Here comes another Kevin pep-talk!” I joked

“Shut up, haha. No seriously, guys, just listen to me, alright? Lenny, I can't lie to you, whether we lose or not, after graduation, Trent and I will be going off to college, and will sadly need to step back from the band for a while. But you guys, you guys are the future, man. And no pressure, but if you so desire, can keep it going. And I frankly think we should, I think we have to see where this road takes us man. You know, we owe it to the world 🌎 to rock, and at the end of the day, who are we, to take that away from them. You guys are just so iconic and invaluable performers-”

“You got that right” Trent interjected, cheeky as ever.

“Damn right! But even as Og’s, most bands replace and cycle through members, as they grow, it’s a natural part of the industry,and…life. Change is good, and neccairy, and think, I know you’ll find a way to Keep making music that changes people's lives for the better. Man, I promise you, any Brother of mine will find a way, whether it’s starting a new band, a solo career, becoming a rock n roll mascot for the Bible Belt, or…even becoming a roadie! Whatever you do, I know one day, you’ll be successful at it,whatever that means to you.  And you know, maybe even…rich and famous. All I know is, as long as you keep doing what we've been doing, and you don't lose sight of the music. How great the feeling is of playing to a crowd who loves you, of writing and performing songs that mean something. Whatever you do, Please, just never get lost in life, with some dead end job, wife you hate, horrible treatment, and awful crippling mid life crisis! Promise me, no matter what happens, you’ll never lose sight of what’s really important, ok?”

“I promise” I said, almost tearing up like the cheese ball I am

“Promise” Trent, Lenny, and Beans all said robotic unison, as if they didn't mean it. 

“Good, wow, guys, I'm shocked you're taking it so well…I'm glad, were all on the same page. But tonight this changes nothing, we're still gonna kick royal ass, man! I mean even more so now, this is our last stand, we gotta go out with a bang. If there’s anything we should’ve learned by now, it’s that it was never about winning, it’s always been About the music, man. That's Something I learned that from…someone special” Kevin said, looking back at me, away from the road with a subtle, somber expression on his face. Wow, him quitting me, gets me every time. I smiled, and Lenny rolled his eyes at all the gushy pep talks, and the van fell silent. I looked over at Lenny and Beans, holding each other in a tender embrace, they were not even mad, or distraught, just sort of just paralyzed by the news. 

“So, Who’s ready to kick some ass tonight!”

“I am” Lenny chimed in first

“You know it man!” I said, high fiving everyone in the process

“Fuck yeah!” 

“M-m-me, I-I was B-born ready!”

“Lessie, are you ready to sing?” 

Now that Kev’ took the gamble of ripping off that band-aid early, it was clear it paid off (for the most part.) Now everyone was just processing the fact that after tonight, our band, the only constant in our dull, let down-lives, would really be over. It probably wasn't the awnser they wanted, but still expected to hear. To my surprise, they all ended up processing their awkward discomfort into determination, almost instantly. We all leaned forward, and could hear our mental gears turn in real time, adjusting to the mindset we should’ve had all along, the attitude of champions, determination. We even started whispering repetitive mantras under our breath like “we got this, we got this, we got this'' breathing like one does before a great leap of faith. Right before my eyes, I saw them bring all the drive and effort we’d built up over the years, right to the forefront. Despite my motivation being rock solid, unlike my more shakeable comrades, I was still uneasy, man. Because all the motivation was tainted by the fact, Kevin still thinks he’s going to Harvard.

“Hey, guys, we're getting close now, the Summit’s only 20 minutes away!” Kevin cheered, as we cruised past more and more Trenton city landmarks, we started to pass more trailers and tour buses lined up around the block. They couldn't all be here for the battle of the bands too, could they?

“Hey, whether we win or not, after the battle, I’ll treat us to Dairy queen, ok?” Kevin offered.

“Yay!” We all cheered, except Trent, who just rolled his eyes.

“Hey, let’s put on some tunes, hmm?” Kevin chirped gleefully, as he turned on the car radio. Kev, smirked, as he officially turned, restoring the mood, from shaky uncertainty to pure excitement. He turned right to the country music station. Playing some Garth Brooks or whatever, as we all groaned louder than a dying cow. Damn country music, there's nothing worse.

“Hey, let's put the Led on!” Kevin yelled, changing to the rock n roll station right away, which started playing Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song. So naturally we all started singing along to it, and bandaging our heads. 

 

We all stuck our heads out the window belted the“ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” part, so loud that old ladies waiting for the bus shook their fragile fists in fits of outrage. We rocked out to one Zeppelin track after another for the reminder of the ride, finally we were all united again, totally pumped and ready to kick ass and take names, we had regained our rock n roll mojo. After a year of training, we were finally ready for the big leagues, and we would not be understated or doubted, we were here to conquer and we…were here. 

We finally pulled up to the Summit, like the Hebrews finally making their way to the promised land. We all hopped out of the van, one by one, after twenty plus minutes of frantically searching for parking. We were treated to the sight of the massive crowds, banners advertising the battle of the bands hanging off trees, the building’s side, and above the door. Outside the Summit, we saw all walks of life congregating, waiting in line, and unpacking their band-vans, just like us. There were Punks, stoners, Nirvana-grunge wannabes, Old skinheads dropping off their kids, Bikers and ex-cons with menacing face tattoos. But we didn't see any of the competition, they must already be inside. We glanced at each other, bursting with intimidation. Wow, the crowd was…a lot bigger than I thought. We were struggling to carry all our instruments in the front door in one trip. But we were still riding high on that Led Zeppelin confidence, so we strutted through those doors, like we owned the place, in slow motion with explosions, and fireworks in the background. 

Of course, most of the bands waiting around in the lobby, just stared at us like “Who the hell are these jokers?” But, we paid them no mind. We plopped our equipment down, we were already out of breath, and just took a minute to absorb the awesomeness of our surroundings. The lobby was huge, there were so many people and bands running around. We spotted a huge clock on the wall, counting down to the curtain, with only 10 minutes left. Suddenly a frantic woman cut through the fray, in a tight black event t-shirt, all mixed up, clipboard in hand, ambushing the five of us.

“Are you with the band?” She asked

“Honey, we are the band.” Lenny said, with a smirk, biting his lip and making flirty eyes, ignoring her eye roll to his unwanted advances. Trent slapped Lenny again, (he’s becoming very good at that), as Kevin nervously stepped forward to speak for the group, and save face.

"Um sorry, Hi, we're late…um we should be on the list-” Kevin said.

“Oh! Uh…” She looked down at her clipboard, tracing her finger to our name, at the bottom of the roster.

“Bad Decisions?”

“Guilty as charged, heh, who wants to know?” I interjected, as Kevin shoved me behind him and rolled his eyes. 

“You're late. You're lucky your set is second to last. Billy!! Don't just stand there, get them backstage!” Just like that, she ran off, disappearing into the crowd. So Billy, some lanky red-headed Mormon kid, looked at us with his mouth hanging open and nothing behind his eyes. Two techies swooped in with dollies and carted away all of our band equipment, as Billy here, just kept staring at us.

“Follow me” Billy said, in a defeated drawl. As he ushered us away from the crowd through a shiny golden door in the lobby, up a flight of rickety, winding stairs, finally arriving at the coveted place where all the real shit goes down, backstage. 

He swiftly opened the shiny black door, with that golden star in the center, like he was trying to break it off the hinges. 

“Ok, this is your dressing room.” He said. We opened the door to the other bands getting rowdy, but they all paused their debauchery when we walked in, like they’d been caught by the hall monitor. They stared at Billy, then at us.

“Boys, play nice.” Billy said dryly, staring them dead in the eyes, before slipping out the door. Clearly, poor Billy was used to dealing with the rock n roll circus, and all those big egos. Though obviously the second he closed the door behind him, he had no sovereignty, and it was open season all over again.

We weren't famous enough for our own private room, so we shared the big open backstage area with most other bands, with zero privacy, or untainted air, like the barracks in Full Metal Jacket. I looked around to see if Rubin was in here, but so far the coast was clear, god damn, that means they probably gave Rolling Veins their own dressing room!? And then just like god wanted me to die early…I saw Rubin stick his stupid, drunk head out of the private dressing room door, with that stupid fat golden star on it. Even the star was shinier than ours. 

He saw me, and just…chuckled, and made that punchable smug face as he winked at me and slammed the door. Now that's...just plain unconstitutional! They're not even famous, or...are they? I can't be the only one he flaunted his new Harvard scam record deal too after all. God, and they must've eaten it up too, just like he said they would.

The fact that Rubin was just a wall away now, only raised the tension. In only an instant, the reality sunk in, and made my freshly boosted confidence deflate like a balloon. As the band geeked out in front of the vanity mirror, surrounded by the trappings of the professional dressing room, and all the macho,“serious' ' bands, hooting and hollering in every corner. 

They didn't waste a second before Giving us a good old-fashioned (condescending), heart racing, ass-slapping welcome. To which Beans and Lenny were the most star struck, despite having shit on these bands even more than the rest of us. But Kevin and Trent could not be distracted by anxious pre-show hazing, they were laser focused on unpacking all our makeup from its case, and our rattled beer from the cooler. They also were desperately trying to stay organized, laying out our Leather on the couch, to suit up the second we were called to the stage. (learning the hard way just how long it takes us to change into them.) Admitting all the jubilee, I couldn't help but sink into my folding chair, staring at Rubins door.

I should be pumped and overjoyed, but I was yet again, deflated and dejected. Not just from how much fun Lenny and Beans were having with the compilation, and how Rubin could probably hear my inner monologue from his private quarters. But also because, the reality was setting in that, maybe I…wasn't as great a rocker as I was pretending to be, maybe I'm just in over my head, or maybe I just need a drink. I grabbed a half finished beer out of Lenny’s grubby grasp.

“Hey, what gives!”

I ignored him, and downed the whole thing at light speed, with any luck I won't need another just to get through the night. I just sighed, staring at my repulsively un-rock n roll face in the vanity, never noticing how much of a sad sack I was, especially under fluorescent lighting. Was I always this…saggy, with baggy blood shot eyes, unkempt facial hair, acne run amok, infected piercings, messy unrushed mop that was teased out in more directions than Columbus took to the new world. Yuck, groody, are you seeing this? Just get a look at this greasy sheen coating every inch of my dry, rotting skin. Jesus, did I always look this old, or was all the let-downs and heartbreak just going to age me poorly. 

“Lester, quit checking yourself out, man! Help us unpack.”

“Oh, what, yeah-um” I snapped out of…whatever that was, and pushed my chair away from the mirror and its blinding lightbulb filled frame. Without skipping a beat, I began helping Kevin unpack and spread out all the makeup on the vanity. Trent unloaded the beers from the cooler, cracking one and taking a long swig as he kicked back on the adjacent sofa. As Lenny and Beans naturally helped unload the rest of our Leather, marking our names on the tags so we’d know who’s wearing what (as if we didn't know that all too well by now.) Lenny and Beans just kept giggling with each other like a couple of ditzy birds, closely hanging them on the nearby costume rack we were sharing with another band, who…sure had a lot of bows and peacock feathers. 

“Ok, Let's do this!” Lenny cried, stripping down to his boxers, right in front of everyone! Jeez, I think he had gotten a little too comfortable changing in front of us for rehearsals. Every one of the bands just cracked up, at Lenny's sudden display of frank yet obvious nudity. They started hurling each other around, and falling on the ground in piles, causing one broken bottle short of a full-blown riot. 

“Hey, What are you laughing at! Haven't you seen a real man before!?”

Lenny, dear sweet, stupid Lenny, how have you managed to live this long, is a mystery to us all. Jeesh, So much for being taken seriously…

“Lenny! What the hell are you doing!?” Kevin demanded 

“Getting changed, what does it look like?! Well, quit standing around, let's suit up, pronto!”

“No, dude, haven't you seen the set list? We don't need to change for another hour, so, put your clothes back on!” Kevin said, averting his eyes.

“What set list, man, they never gave us that shit?”

“...Yeah, but check out the clock, Einstein?” Trent said, pointing to the big sports timer overhead, counting down to when the show starts, and the first band starts playing.

“Oh yeah! Look at that, we only got seven minutes left, come on guys, this is it, what are you waiting for!”

“LENNY! Were performing second to last, but we were not changing yet! You don't wanna get your band gear all sweaty! Come on, dude, we've been over this.” Kevin grabbed the Leather right out of Lenny's arms, pushing him behind the oriental Partition. 

“Get dressed, man! This is a battle of the bands, not Chippendale's!’ 

“Yeah, save it for the twins!” I yelled at him, as Kevin slapped me, holding back laughter. 

“S-s-shut up m-m-man! I-leave h-him alone!’ Beans protested, blushing at any mention of the twins, which one was his, we still don't know, even he doesn't know. I'm still convinced the Twins are just their beards, but that's just me.

“Where the fuck are my clothes, man?”

Trent scoffed, throwing Lenny’s clothes over the partition’s edge, we could see his pants land on his head through the tasteful silhouette. Everyone just kept laughing at his unexpected strip tease surprise, the other bands laughed the most, slapping their knees, and asses, falling over choking on their Gin. They just kept laughing at Lenny, at all of us, way past the limit for comedic timing.  It was at that moment when every other band in the building all collectively decided we were not a threat. I could see it in their eyes, this was all they needed to see, to know Bad Decisions would be no competition, nothing to worry about, not even a light challenge. Just a placeholder band, that they wouldn't have to bring their best to beat. Please, no, I can't think about this, my ego can't take it anymore!

Now I had to prove them wrong, all of ‘em, more than ever. 

Lenny emerged fully dressed, thank god. He came out and plopped his ass on the folding chair, sitting like a changed man. The laughing simply resumed, it was high school all over again, didn't these guys have anything better to do? One 6ft joker, with long hair, a massive handlebar muscle, muscles the size of Oger’s goal stone. This guy was like the Hells Angels, angel of death. He looked Lenny right in the eye, before spitting right into his Bass, we all winced at the slimy reverb. He had a Confederate flag bandana, and a tattoo of a cop getting crucified, he had a cracked glass eye in his right socket. His band looked like they hadn't seen the sun in 400 years, and had at least three pimps on retainers, and ten guns in their trunk. This was not the kind of guy you’d want to see you naked.

“Hey, who let in the Brady Bunch?” He said, in a drunken growl.

Since Lenny had no shame, he just flipped em off. No, come on Lenny these guys aren't worth it! Just walk away…don't be dumb now, for once in your life!

“Oh, shit, haha! There are some balls on this one! ha, he’s taking us bird watching! Hey kids, I think it’s past your bedtime! Why don't you run home to daddy? '' he said, slapping his knee like he was trying to beat his blood cells back into circulation. This guy was the personification of everything wrong with rock n roll, and the human race at large. But sadly, dear sweet Lenny was oh so stupid, and couldn't resist a good fight.

“Hey, old man, let's see if you're still saying that, when we beat you sorry geiziers! You can wave that $20,000 goodbye, right after we dangle it right in your, blind, ugly, burnt ass faces!” Lenny postured. Jesus, he needed to dial it back. The offended redneck stood up ready for a fight, seemingly towering above us.

“WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME, PIPSQUEEK!?” Oh shit, Lenny was gonna get us killed before the show even started! Though, I can't deny it felt good to see someone tear into these guys, even if it was coming from Lenny’s mouth. 

“Nothing man, jeez, keep it in your pants.” Kevin said, pulling him aside

“Lenny, just quit while you're ahead dude!” Kevin whispered in Lenny’s ear, as Beans stepped in front of him as a human shield.

“You listen here, you ungrateful little brats. I’ve been rocking since before you were a twinkle in your mama’s eye. I won this battle five years in a row, and let me tell you, this year is no different, do you get me?” I giggled, at his very-not so subtle Full metal jacket reference.But, he really wasn't selling it.

“Or do I need to spell it out for you, in case you haven't learned all your ABCS?''His drummer stood up along with the rest of his backwater band, like they were playing the pledge of allegiance, at frequencies only they could hear.

“Ok, well if you're so great, then what’s the name of your band, hm?”Lenny asked

“The Lost Cause.” They said, traveling their matching lost case band shirts, with the name of the band in big bold letters plastered across their wide chests. Robert E Lee playing electric Guitar even made an appearance. Holy torpedo, I’ve heard that name before, it was the one we made fun of the most on Frosty’s roster. We imagined them being ridiculous, but this…this was just too good to be true. I mean, I'm just swimming in metral, the jokes write themselves at this point. I mean what kind of Confederate cartoon character actually names their rock band “the lost cause”? Well, they just made this a whole lot easier for Lenny, and a whole lot funnier for us.

“Lost cause? That's Fitting.” Lenny scoffed, not even trying to hold back laughter, as the rest of us caved and started laughing at them, how quick the tables can turn.

“You want to say that again, louder so the whole class can hear you!?”

“Will pleasure, let me get this straight, your band is called…the Lost cause, THE LOST CAUSE?! hahahaha, that is just too good! I mean…come on, you guys are basically begging to be a punchline! And it isn't even funny!? I mean, it's funny for us, not so much for you.”

“Shut your mouth!? You know how easy it would be for me to beat you into a couple of cherry smoothies right now!? But you boys are lucky, I am a man of god, and I promised my ex wife I would never lay a hand on another undagerage boy!”

  “Jesus Christ.” Kevin said, looking dumbfounded and discucusted.

“Do not take the lord's name in vain!” He said, perfectly on cue.

“The Lost Cause…I mean, that name is…prophetic, as you already lost your dignity right now, just like you're gonna lose the battle.”

“We are not gonna lose tonight, little punk! We've never lost a battle!”

“Oh you mean like the south?” Lenny said, crossing his arms in vain. Damn Lenny was going hard, I was fully rooting for him now. Even Trent got up to join the take-down, all for one and all for once, Trent obviously didn't quite care for this shit.

“No! The south should've won, they were victims of war crimes! Confederacy lives on! If it wasn't for the war of northern aggression-”

“-Um, no, and also…no. Ok, I think that’s enough for you for one day. We have better things to do than stand around listening to some pervy, old, washed up, delusional racist talk about how great his music is! Especially the kind who gets off intimidating and threatening a bunch of underage kids, who I assume you have a restraining order against anyway! So why dont you let your performance speak for itself, so kindly so us all a favor, and shut the fuck up!?.”  I cheered as Kevin absolutely smoked these guys.

“heh, whatever you say big brother. Fellas just drop it, these pansies ain't worth their salt. They are all talk, the second they hit the stage, they’ll cave, and wet their little panties, just you wait” He muttered to his buddies right there, as if we couldn't hear. Then they kept whispering and mumbling in defeat amongst themselves, as their regular backstage chatter resumed. But we could still hear every word of their bitter gossip, and I think they knew it too.

“Yeah, for a couple of white boys they're sure harboring a lot of hatred for their country.”

“Yeah but at least they had the decency to be white, Except that tall one, he gotta be Indian, er, Arab, or Mexican, either way he’s poisoned them, I can smell it.”

“Yeah…He didn't even say shit the whole damn time, or stand up for his little loud mouthed white buddies. Not surprised, his kind aren't known for being Loyal folk” His Guitarist said, looking even more of a redneck then his ring leader.

“Yeah, his kind can't be trusted. But I gotta bet he’s too dumb to know what we are saying anyways..” The drummer said, glaring at Trent from across the room.

“See this is why I’ve always said, they was always better off as slaves”

By this point we all walked away back to our vanity, and left well enough alone, not trying to get into any more conflict with the other bands than necessary. But Trent stood up seemingly more pissed off than the rest of us. He seemingly heard their remarks like the rest of us, and took a swing at the back of the guy's head, when his head was turned. He hit him so hard, he knocked off his Confederate bandana. The massive mountain of a man collapsed on the floor at Trents feet, before anyone else backstage could even look up from their coke snorting station to realize what was going on. 

Trent drew blood. Remember Trent was also 6ft, just as massive as this guy, plus younger and stronger, so he had an advantage, and packed a lethal punch. Trent was obviously brilliant,and deeply intuitive so yes, he’d been listening carefully to Lenny’s little spat this whole time, but had hardly shown he was listening, he never even looked up. 

As long as Iv e known him Trent’s always been too smart to get involved in dumb shit like this. He’s always been above it all, but this time was different. I always forget there's so much we don't know about Tent, that's why I found him so attractive at first, his mistake, his weathered, worldly attitude, even his  temper, all had me head over heels. Hell, the first thing we did right after meeting was get into a cafeteria brawl. I knew when he snapped at Lenny in the car, the cracks were starting to show, and he’d been holding back some deep rage for a long time now.  But now, Trent’s face was stone-cold, he was the angelic angel Uriel, but as ominous, and deadly as the grim reaper. He was blank, expressionless and knelt down beside the fallen lord of darkness, Racist Satan himself. Trent held him up by his hair, getting blood all over the floor, as a show of dominance he didn't hurt him any further, he didn't need to. He simply maintained total control over him, over everyone in the room. He held up his bleeding skull mercilessly as he twitched and screamed, with his head and life in his hands, Trent simply pinched his ear, holding it up by one of his weak cartilage pierced. And just as the pricing was about to tear his flesh, Trent simply whispered in his ear, all that needed to be said.

“My Great grandfather was a slave, you son of a bitch. Stay away from my friends, or I’ll turn this floor into the bloodiest battle in American history.” He snarled, spitting in his eye as everyone stared. He just groaned and cried out in pain on the floor under Trent’s boot, like the little bitch he was.

If there's one thing in this world I hate besides Sell outs, school, Boy Gorge, and being a chronic failure…it’s racists, especially the ones who decide to mess with my band. Well you fuck around and find out right? I guess he found out the hard way.

“Ahhhhhhhhh, please, I surrender!” the man cried out in blood curdling agony.  

“No, you don't get to surrender, and you don't get a medal for loosing, or a fucking statue in the town squere. You don't get to do anything, trust me you’ve already done more than enough” Trent kicked the dude's head in, stepping on his bald head, making more blood gush out causing him to grit his teeth. All his buddies were petrified; they just watched on in shock and fear, aso did the rest of the bands. But before long almost all of them started clapping and nodded at Trent. He’d earned their respect, like the weak killing the strong to prove his manhood in a prison yard. 

I realized then, they weren't gonna call 911, I saw him just whip out a suture and start to stitch up his own scalp, right then and there. Like, he just had that needle kit, on hand, for what, encase he was surprisingly abused by the union cavalierly. Damn, some people really do live in a James Dean western. 

Trent just walked past us, still brooding, with his long hair covering his eyes more than usual, so much so he just looked like one long black floating storm cloud. That or he looked like the dark spirit ready to kill the first born child of every household. Either way, now I was worried about him. 

Great, JUST GREAT? This is just about the last thing I need right now.

“Trent, what the hell was th-” Kevin asked, concerned, Trent just pushed him away, as he stomped out the back door to the fire escape. 

And Just like that, the lights dimmed, a loud voice came on over the intercom.

“Summit theater, who is ready to rock!?” Oh shit, the show was starting.

The whole theater erupted in thunderous applause, Jesus, that was a lot of people. Everyone backstage robotically dropped everything and looked up like bugs to a flame, then a more chipper female voice came over the intercom. 

“Welcome back, Trenton, to the Summit’s 40th annual battle of the bands!” Which was followed by an even louder ovation, this one was defining, damn, we were closer to the stage than I thought, we could hear lice if it jumped out of the frontmen’s mental-hair. Kevin looked nervous, rubbing his neck and tapping his foot nervously, as he kept a tight grasp on Lenny’s chair, trying to keep him and Beans from getting into any more trouble. 

“First to the main stage, we have a real treat for y'all tonight. You know me, you love me, keep your girlfriends far, far, away from me, ha! Introducing, The bastard sons of Hoboken, the hellraisers of Houston, the biggest thing to hit rock since the pilgrims, give it up for Mordor!!” Naturally, the crowd went wild again, everyone went back to normal, preparing their sets and hair for when for they were summoned to the stage, I saw one of the many interchangeable heavy metal bands at the front of the room leave to the stage, that must've been Mordor, (real creative I know.) We watched in dread as they danced out the door onto the stage and greeted all the exploding crowd, with energy that surely would be gone when it was our turn. Kevin turned to me, and elbowed me in the rib, hard.

“Psst, Lessie!” Kevin whispered right in my ear, yanking me to his side by my arm, with a sudden secretive urgency as if he was suddenly in a James bond movie. 

“What?” I whispered back, a bit louder

“Dude, what are you doing just standing around, go after him.”

“After who, Trent? What? no way, you do it, he’s your friend.”

“Well he’s our bassist, and I can't, I gotta hold down the fort, and make sure tom and Jerry over here don't start anymore surprise brawls”

“Hey! He started it!” Lenny shouted from his “time out” chair, Kavin slapped him on the cheek

“Shut up, Lenny, the adults are talking.” Lenny just grumbled and slumped into his chair, as Beans and him immediately started playing eye spy with all the drugs in the room.

“Ugh, fine! Where do you think he went?”

“I donno, his old band played here a few times, so he knows the layout, um, start with the fire escapes, he couldn't have gone far.”

“But what do you want me to say, man? I gotta bring him back but he seemed really pissed, and I don't want to make it worse.”

“Man, I donno, I've never seen him like this before, he's always so quiet in study hall. Look no one really knows his background, or his home life just that his dad sleeps all day and doesn't take care of him or Lupus. Clearly that racist jerkwad struck a nerve, just, talk to him, and make sure he’s ok. When the time comes, you’ll know what to do, just like you always do.”

“Alright man, but like let's be real…this is Trent we're talking about, what if he doesn't listen to me, or sucker punches me off the balcony, smack dab into heavy traffic? He…you know, when he gets like this…needs his alone time,?”

“Man, we need him here, we're a band we can't have members starting fights and running off god knows where, for how long. We can split up, were all in this together, or none of us are.”

“I just…maybe you’d know better what to say to him, at such a trying time…since, I really wouldn't know what to tell him?”

 “Man, it doesn't matter what you tell him, as long as you bring him back. And hurry, we can't have the Roadies disqualify us when they find out Trent cracked a rival band member's skull open, a past champion no less! Go, hurry!”

“Ok, I’ll be right back”

“Lester Hurry, the Battle’s starting!”

“Ok, I’m hurrying!” I wizzed halfway out the backdoor after Trent

“and Lester?”

“Hmm?”

“Try not to Draw so much attention to yourself?” He whispered.

“Roger that, covert mission established. Wait, why are we whispering?” I whispered, holding the door. Kevin just bowed his head and chuckled 

“just go” I nodded and slipped through the door, away from him. Ok, find Trent he couldn't have gone far. I ran up the back star cast that did not lead to the stage, navigating the skeleton of the Summit. I could hear the first band starting playing their set in the background.(Jeesh, they were a little rough on the vocals. Next time don't forget to drink water before attempting those mental growls) I ran up three floors, for a few minutes looking all around and under every rotten industrial staircase, behind every door, for him. I had to get creative, since I wasn't able to call Trent’s name without disrupting the show.

But before long, I found Trent where Kevin said he’d be, having a smoke on the third floor fire escape. I quietly approached him, but before I’d even stepped out into the open air, he clocked me, standing behind his back.

“Go away, Lester.”

“Woah, man, how did you even know I was here?” I said, coming around next to him, joining him leaning over the metal fire escape railing. We paused to take in the midocere view.

“Let's just say, once you start looking over your shoulder, you never stop. ”

“Wow. Yeah, not quite sure what your talking about dude, but-”

“Ugh! Please, You know exactly what I'm talking about, Mr. Paranoid”

“Ha, ha ok. Look, Kevin sent me up here to… make sure you're ok.”

“Of course he did”

“Well are you?”

“Fuck no. There, now you can tell Kevin that, problem solved. Now fuck off. Jesus Kevin’s turning into a real Narc, he can't even come up here to bother me himself.”

“well, what was he supposed to do with you just running off like that!? Someone had to stay and watch Lenny, someone had to be the reasonable one, lord knows it wouldn't be us!?” 

“Speak for yourself.”

“Well what happened down there, why’d you run away man?”

“It’s what I do best. Here:'' He offered me a cigarette, which I soberly accepted. Noticing his face was far more shaken, vulnerable and defeated than usual. He always had a blank mask, only ever showing the world a fraction, or a fraction of a microgram of his true self, only ever sarcastic, angry, and stoke, but now…the mask was slipping. But, I grew so attached to his meritorious side, to my idea of him. So now, I don't know if I want to see what's behind the mask, I honestly couldn't take any more disappointment today. But something told me he was about to show me anyway, whether I liked it or not.

“Hey man, Kevin’s just worried about you…you just sockped a dude, knocked him out cold! Now…personally, I think your a total badass, that racist buffoon totally deserved it, but…you seemed pretty upset-”

“How Observant” He said, sarcastically  

“Well you know Kevin’s like an empath or whatever, so the second that red neck hit the ground, he could tell, you know…that something was wrong. I should at least ask-like for real this time, are you sure you're ok?”

“Ok? I'm never ok, man, when have any of us ever been ok? Honestly, name a time, I bet you can't?” 

“I dunno man, all those nights we played together…all those nights of us just rocking till dawn, drinking and fighting and planning our futures. I was ok those nights man, hell, I was more then ok, I was so fucking happy, man, those were the best nights of my life. I was hoping tonight would be one of those nights.” Trent took a pause, and sighed, looking at me with a hollow expression, like he was holding back tears along with a lifetime of emotion. He and I just had a brief moment of tranquil chillness,taking in the foggy Trenton “skyline.” Then Trent turned to me, gently placing his ringed hand on my shoulder. He looked at me with the widest puppy dog eyes I've ever seen, especially from him. I think in that moment, I could see him finally come to grips with the big picture, all in his teary green eyes. I always loved getting lost in his eyes, for old times sake.

“I’m sorry man, I was a real prick back there. I'm not violent like that, It’s just that guy, he…I know that guy, we have history, alright? Thats all you guys need to know, but he loves to fuck with me, but I swear I’ll never do it again, man. I’ made a fool out of myself back there, I just don't care sometimes about any of it, but I do care about this man, and i'm sorry. Ugh! I already messed the whole thing up for you guys didn't I, like always. Jsuss fuck, this is just perfect!”

“What!  Nah, man, you didn't mess shit up, the nights only just begun! besides, that asshole, had it coming, if anything he deserved a lot worse than just good blow to the head…not like he was using it for much anyway. I'm just here because Kevin’s hoping that some Techie isn't gonna find out and disqualify our ass before we even get to rock their shirts off? Ya catch my drift?”

“Yeah…you can Tell your brother to cool his jets, though is concern is highly original and much appreciated, most guys would have just ratted on me.  You know man, every year I come to these things and there's some backstage brawl, usually involving hookers cocaine, and undercover dirty cops, and thats on a good night. and let me tell you something, not once in all that time have they ever giving anyone the boot, they’d have to call the damn cops first. Trust me, I don't even think disqualification is a thing, their too desperate to keep the reputation of the battle clean, otherwise their funding goes. 

“Right well that's comforting, so were good then!  phew, Kevin will be happy to hear, that it’s all hunky dory on that front. God knows we already have enough to worry about” 

“We have nothing to worry about, man. plus their not gonna listen to those bastard anyway. I didn't wanna say this but, Lost Cause and I have history see their have a history of causing trouble. Couple years back, they tried to start shit with me and my band, by start shit I mean, full blown hate crimes man. It was very un rock n roll. And they pulled the same shit with a ton of bands, especially the one with Members that happen to not be white. let's just say even if I murdered the guy, with their track record, you’d still be hard pressed to Find an organizer who’d take them seriously. Of all the things you’d want your bands of the bands to be associated with, Hate crimes is not one them.” 

“Wow, man…what hate crimes?”

‘None of your business, that's what. all you need to know is after that, our band broke up, they all moved back to the rez, and we haven't talked since. So yeah we got bad blood, but he brings in the big bucks to the summit, so dealing with his bullshit is just part of their itinerary now. Why do you think they got double the guards backstage?”

“Woah. Yeah, that explains a lot guess i'm just surprised…guys like that would even be here. Like you’d think they’d be more involved in KKK rallies then rock bands.” 

“Yeah, well this is a different world, man. Were still just tourists”

“Still? Well, tonight, we finally got our passports. What do you say, you come back downstairs, and you can tell Kevin everything you told me, or just some of it whatever ya want. Then we can hug it out, have a couple of bruskies and get in one last Classic Kev’ talk, wayda say?” Trent paused for a second, that stretched to minutes. Come on dont leave me waiting, Trenite boy, the silence was deafening. 

“Come on, don't keep Kevin waiting, he’s worried sick!” I said, sarcastically, trying to guilt him to the hury the fuck up and come downstairs.

Trent just smiled for the first time ever, and tossed his cig butt off the railing.

“Pfft. Mama’s worried sick is she?”

“Yeah man, Kev’ probably thought you were beating all their biker gang buddies to a pulp, or jumping off the fire escape. Best is he really sent me up here to talk you off the edge.”

“Yeah well, sounds like Kevin, if he has one more thing on his plate I'm convinced he’ll have a big fat stroke on the spot, the man is a workhorse I swear to god. Man I don't know how he does it, I could never pretend to care so well.”

“Yeah, man, you know my brother, he always ends up manning a sinking ship. It's no, big, he just needs to know you're ok.” 

“HA! What, the man needs a vacation. Vicodin wouldn't hurt either”

“Heh, yeah, well let's get you downstairs, so we can tell him you were just on a smoke break. Just, blowing off some steam…no pun intended”

“Fine, you win. Come on, Let's see who Lenny decided to flash this time.” He held the shitty industrial door for me like a gentleman. 

“Why thank you. You know, you're such a gentleman when you want to be” I waltzed through it, looking flirty and paying coy. A massive gust of wind blew from the east, blowing us both inside, tripping and stumbling onto the main platform. As Trent slammed the door behind us with a thud, rolling his eyes into his brain as I kept blushing. Just trying to mess with him at this point, anything to get him back stairs as soon as possible, so this night can maintain the last shred of hope of ever going according to plan. Just as long as something was still in my control, for the rest of the night, no more drama, no more distractions. We had to take all those years of advice to heart, and keep our heads in the game for just one more hour, without everything erupting hot shit right in our faces. We can do this, just get Trent downstairs, then no more distractions. Were beating rubin tonight. Thinking of him I just kept blushing, but Trent thought I was still blushing at him, oh boy, here we go.

“Ugh! Don't push it, wastoid” And just like that, Trent was back. Before I even had a chance to get in another quip edgewise, he ran down the stairs at light speed with his daddy's long legs, he was already halfway down the stairwell before I could regain my balance. Why was he suddenly in such a rush?!

“Just don't get your pretty fingers caught in the door on the way out, you need those to play bass, man, if you still remember how!?” Trent looked up from halfway down the stairs at me leaning over the balcony like a clumsy Juliet, cleavage on full display. Trent smirked up at me, letting his voice echo. 

“Pfft, don't you worry about my fingers, Mickey finger-ing my ear holes all night long! Ha, come on, don't wait up.” and just like that he disappeared. I chased him down the endless winding staircase that hopefully still led to the backstage area. I bolted after him down the endless stairs, obviously being slower on my feet, and heart rate than him, so I quickly fell behind. 

“I'm coming! Slow down jackass! Hey, I didn't have to drag my ass all the way up here you know, Kevin should’ve just let you smoke your guilt away all night! Hey wait up!” I kept running, realizing that the Summit was more confusing than I thought, it was like a maze back here, so many twists and turns, no elevador, signs or fire escapes anywhere to be found, (Trent had seemingly found the only one? That is a lot of things, up to code is not one of them.) Mordor just warped their bloated set, and I couldn't even hear the next band start playing, the acoustics back here were totally bogus. I started to wonder if i'd’ been running in circles taking the same staircase over and over again, is this even the way I came? Was I seriously lost in the Summit Staircase, how is that even possible. You know what Fuck you Trent! I wanted to scream, but I couldn't afford to botch my perfect voice, so I just slammed my head against one of the many dead end doors. Trent I can't believe I loved you man, if that racist dude picks a fight with Lenny or sucker punches you back, or god forbid, win I won't even feel bad for your ass! I always think your cool, until you use me then leave me behind like dirt, just like everyone else always does! 

“Trent!!!?? Did you seriously ditch me up here!?''Ugh, How could you, man. after I wasted more than half of my head bang-cardio to lug myself all the way to the one fire escape! I made the whole journey just to retrieve you and make sure for Kevins sake you were not having a panic attack or getting us all arrested!? Most guys wouldn't do that man, most guys wouldn't give a single shit! But not us, man, and look where that's gotten us! Ugh, Trent I hope when you ditch this band to give people shitty tattoos, like you said yourself would be where we could find you in ten years! I hope you suck professional ass and get a million lawsuits a second from rightfully pissed off customers whom you branded with malformed tramp stamps and Wildy misspelled names of ex girlfriends!!! TRENT I USED TO WORSHIP YOU, I USED TO LOVE YOU, AND WANT TO BE YOU! BUT NOW I KNOW YOU REPRESENT EVERYTHING THAT IS FUCKED IN THIS WORLD AND I HATE YOU FOR IT, AND EVERY HEARTBREAKER, AND TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL-ASSHOLE LIKE YOU!!!!!! 

Ok, just stay calm dude, let's not get hysterical. Trent I know there's still a 99% chance your a wizard, so if can read my thoughts, you have to know, i'm sorry…I didn't mean all that, well, most of it. Ok, just breathe, stay focused i'm not lost, I just came up this way. Just retrace your steps, follow the north star. 

Damn it. This was not how this night was supposed to go. I was just dying to Rock, to play our set to wow the audince, shock them with the lever, and seduce them with our lyrics. To finally be good at something, that we worked really hard for, and maybe actually win, god forbid, just once! That's all I wanted, that's all I ever wanted. But it was getting harder and harder to hold on with everything kept bursting at the seams all around me. But just when I thought, things couldn't get any worse, I saw him. Rubin, there he was, leaning against the wall under the third stairwell, hiding under it like he knew I’d find him.

We locked eyes as I approached him, standing there cool as ever. It was as if we were to pick up right where we left off, lunging to attack each other, or make love. Either way, I knew he’d have some choice words to say right before our set, as the minutes ticked away until our debut. 

“Lester…thought I wouldn't see your ass until after the show.”

“Well, I thought you would never emerge from your private dressing room, expect to play your dog-shit set of course…”

“Heh, welcome to battle of the bands. It tends to do crazy things to people, especially the hour before a performance, they call it the “the shitty-60”especially a first romance. So, how is it so far.”

“Just…incredible man. Yeah things have been basically perfect in fact, nothings gone wrong at all, we're all set, you know prepared, locked and loaded. so far we’ve just been, you know… just been enjoying the scenery.” I said, so full of shit I wasn't even buying anymore, and it was showing. Rubin smirked.

“Yeah? Well, then what are you doing on the stairwell, shouldn't you be with your band, practicing? I heard you guys the other day and you could definitely use it”

“Um up yours man. We don't need any more practice time, besides you cant even do that shit backstage now, for your information we've been partying seven days week, while you’ve been busy scamming my brother!?”

“Hey, thought you were over that?”

“Well…how much as rolling veins practiced, why aren't you rehearsing Dirty hairy, it's a last minute addition isn't it? does not a professional like you, want to grease up the hinges on a song you haven't practiced as much. You know, so you don't leave your performance up to chance, when you, you know, destroy us. ”

“Yeah, I know you do, but we don't need that, but that’s so cute that you’d think we need extra redseal time though. but hey, when we play the song, I want you in the front row…you can really feel the vibrations you know, and look me in the eyes as I sing it.” He grabbed my belt and yanked me towards him with it. Why did Rubin have to make everything so sexual! Ugh, that's a rhetorical question…I had to get back to Kevin downstairs…..but I couldn't bear to see him win. 

“Did you write that song about me?”

“And what makes you think that?”

“Kevin said you told him it was about Heartbreak, and seduction. and that it was a “bonafide hit”?”

“Awww Lessie, you're not special. I have been with alot of people, and most of them were more interesting than you, and far more talented. But bold of you to assume that, because most rock songs are about Heartbreak and sex anyway-”

“yeah…Kevin also told me the song was a pandering mess, in an attempt to shallowly capotsize on rock and battle trends, to sway the judges.”

“Oh, look at you, using such big words. Kevin must be proud, yes that's true, also a ton of rock songs don't sing about their real lovers, vague metaphors or fictional composition of real love affairs fair far better.”

“You still haven't answered the question. I'm just curious man, because less than an hour ago, when I was sucking you off, you couldn't help but announce that you wrote a brand new song for the set and that it was about someone special. So i'm just curious why you’d write a big last minute show stopper, about someone you don't even care about. It’s just…not computing.” 

“Jeusus Lessie, your ego is incredible, it never seeing to consume me with unrelenting second hand embarrassment! Look, dude if you must know-”

“Yeah…I must!?”

“If you really think that song is about you, you’ll sure as hell find out when I play it tonight, and win the battle with it.”

“OH brother…”

Yet again, even in this chance encounter he’s walking all over me. I have the blackmail on him, I should have the upper hand in this, but still somehow he seemed to have total control over me. It was like our dynamic was frozen and no matter how much I hated him I'd always feel so powerless and inferior around him. It was going to be the death of me. 

"Patience is a virtue lessie.”

“Yeah you can say that again…except that patience is just another word for giving up, staying helpless whale everything goes to hell! Never taking control, staying submissive, giving yourself up to the bullshit and apathy paluege, making love to your own indifference and detachment, waiting for the world to end. that's what patience really is.”

“Wow, I see you learned a thing or two from my personal philosophy, glad your finally losing all that “hopeful dreamer” crap”

“Yeah well, your like…a guinness and stuff soo, you were right.” I don't know how much more sucking up to him I could take, his ego was so big I feared it would consume us both. I needed to get back to Kevin, but I also was trapped in his trance. Some part of my sick curiosity would never be satisfied, until I ask him some burning questions, before monday when I destroy his life forever. 

“Hey, Lessie I jsut have to say, you were fanatsitic today.” He said winking at me, and playing with my beltbuckle again. Making his classic “sudiuctive face” id’ stared into so many times now, it’s lost all impact.

“Wow, that's…such a relief man, I thought I’d been a lousy lay the whole time, really.” The sad thing is, I couldn't even tell if I was joking or not.

“Nah, really man, you've come a long way…I mean hell when this week started, you were an awkward, loud, pathetic virgin…but today you managed to graduate to a loud, pathetic slut! It’s truly a microlocs journey man, and I couldn't be more proud.”

“Gee thanks, you know…I wasn't so pathetic two hours ago when you were having 10 orgasmas at once, was I?”

“Hmmm, well you got me there, that was pretty hot. All the times when we were not in bed, that's when you were truly pathetic. But its funny, you know, I how you managed to acquire so much experience within merely a week, you know…since your pathetic n all and your only friend is your brother and your god awful band, I just…I just can't help but wonder how you did it?”

“So now you're admitting I have experience?”

“Well more than you did monday, when You climbed I was your first ever time, and then today you were like…in between arguing, and dominant experienced sexual deviant. I've been with alot of people man, and that dramatic a shift just doesn't happen. at least not without…something in between.”

“What are you implying…?”

“Well…I'm not dumb, come on you can tell me who else did you screw with this week, come on you can tell me, please I need to know everything, all the filthy details. We were just a one night stand, right? So it ain't cheating so common, don't hold back, Any groupies from your local shows, church girls, Roxy Kevin’s girl, was it Lenny, your scrawny blonde drummer, was it anyone we know? Come on, man spill the beans!”

“Ewww, man. Sut up, your so out of line, I didnt sleep with anyone but you, why would I lie about that, Besides who the fuck would I even slip with in this busted town, besides you? I really didn't man, you were the only one, I swear!”

“Oh really….because judging by today, it was..pretty obvious, you had a full house, long before and after I moved in with some…rather messy tenants”

“Ok! you know what, first of all. Ew. Second of all, you know you can jerk off and loads of other stuff without anyone around for miles, you don't need another person to look like you've been screwing, get with the times, and third of all…HOW IS THIS ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS, AT ALL?? LIKE…ARE YOU ALL OF A SUDDEN ONE OF THOSE CHURCH-PERVS WHO “ONLY FUCKS VERGINS!?? Like who cares man, jeez. I swear some things in this world, gotta stay sacred.”

“Ok…I just had some reason to believe you were lying. Not that it matters, you know, if anything it was way, way, better. But…I still have reason to be suspicious, my drummer, you met him…my messenger…he passed you my note yesterday. Yeah he says he saw you in the boys bathroom with…a few different boys on the football team, do you know anything about that-or-”

Oh shit, he knows. he knows about the love list. Fuck, I knew this would happen evertnetually. Quick, think fast, you can't confess…he could use that against you. No he doesn't know about the list, his snitch drummer was just spying on me, instead of taking a shit like a normal person!? I…you know I really can't let him turn the blame on me, he’s the guilty one! No, I had to get back downstairs to Kevin, but before I did I needed to get the upper hand, though I’d settle for the last word. I thought of Kevin's breakdown last night, over Aids and College and scooty and how worried he was about it all. I forgot I promised him I’d get tested today, though I didn't really mean it, I don't know how I would even do that, or if i could. (for the record I don't have aids, duh, I just don't want to see my brother wig and lose his mind uncaracrylly and I'd do what I can to quell his fear even if it's all in his head.) But he was right maybe I should have asked them about it, at least once before throwing off the magic underwear. But now I knew what I must do, as sure fire way to turn the tables in my favor for good. I had to ask Rubin if he’d been tested, but I wouldn't let him go until he told me-

The truth.

“hey…speaking of sleeping around…since you, have slept with everyone and stuff, and as a pro you have loads of experience in the field, with both sexes as you so aply said-”

“yes and-”

“Well, I've been wondering for some time now, as such a worldy, seasoned rock star, surely you’ve read the news, and know about…you know, what's been going around. So, as someone who has transferred every sexual terrain, such as yourself surely…has been tested for Aids by now, havent you…?”

“What? Aids? Hell naw, what are you fucking stupid. That shit kills you. Do I look dead to you?”

“yeah but…you know, that's even more reason to get tested. So, have you or not man?”

“No…, that shit is expensive, and ain't driving three hours just for a flu shot! Besides, that shit is for like, homles, gold star-dico fags, and hookers in the east village, man that aint me, i aint into all that, you kidding? Why do you wanna know so bad, anyway?” Wow…what did I ever see in this guy?

“Man, why are you being such a bitch about this!?”

“Exuse me? Are you calling me a Faggot…Faggot?” He said suddenly goes Nuclear, his eyes turning dark. 

“But…you said it yourself you sleep around all the time, for years with everyone…don't you think you should get tested, to make sure you're not accidentally murdering half of new jersey with your dick. I mean this shit has been going around for like seven years now-”

“No it hasn't man!”

“yes it has, the government just doesn't want you to know about it!”

“That's bullshit man”

'`What happened to being paranoid at all costs?’

“Look…where is this coming from man, did Kevin put you up to this?”

“Yeah, as a matter of fact he did, man, he asked me about it last night, he has a bonafide mental breakdown over the whole thing man, I'd never seen him so disgraunt. You gotta get tested and tell me the results, if not for me, do it for him!”

“What, shut the fuck up man, I aint doin shit. I dont give a rats ass about your entitled brother or you, how many times I gotta tell ya. Look, it's clear you both have no use to me anymore, the sex was great and the tutoring was better, but now, you got nothing left to give, so I’ll be on my way. So please kindly Fuck off” He said, starting to walk away, but I couldnt take it, so I grabbed his arm, as he looked at me shocked, then mad, then turned on.

“You're not going anywhere until you agree to get tested.”

“Fuck off, man! You are out of line. You know they aint even got a cure, so what’s the point. Beside those bs. flu shots don't even work, their all a scam.”

“It's not a flu shot man! AIDS TESTING ISN'T A SCAM, it's the only way to know if your positive. Look Kevin told me he knows a discreet clinic in Atlantic city, just three miles north. you don't have to use your real name, they take one small blood sample then get the test results back to in less then two weeks! If you come, ’ll get tested with you, and then you won't have to live in fear and worry your infecting people…you could tell any of your past patenter t-”

“fuck no man, nice offer but that shit is a scam, its not real. Just like all this government healthcare conspiracy shit, you really are still alive. if they government apparently was lying to the public about aids, then what's stopping them from lying on test results, hm? I ain't gonna waste my time on this bullshit hack medicine the government pedals as “the only cure” in a system where healthcare makes it so dying is cheaper than staying alive. Just because Kevin brainwashed you into thinking it, you should know by now, doesn't mean it's true. What else has he put you up, to? What does he want me to get another polsion shot, Chemo or Benzedrine, or does he want us to get yet another false, infective injection like epidurals, insulin or the vaccine!?”

“The vaccine!?  You don't think the vaccine is real? Man, what kind of shit are you'll smoking in that private room!? I mean…”

“Man, when the government poisons you with bubonic plague at your with your flu shot, don't come crying to me.”

“But seriously man, please get tested, I mean what if you already spread it, and killed people man, what if you had it all this time and gave it to every conquest you brag about, what if you gave it to me, man? you know it's illegal to run around spreading aids, if you know you have it-its 1st degree murder”

“Ok, Legal aid, well that doesn't matter because I don't know shit, so stop pestering me and get lost, so I can enjoy me smoke in peace before I smoke your ass.”

"That's just shitty man, what if I tell your record label, tell Harvard that you're doing this, what will ya do then huh?”

“I’ll kill you. Right then and there, that's what will happen.”

“Man, you're so full of shit. You don't have a murder dongon, your blind threats don't work on me! you can't just refuse to get tested!?

“I believe I just did. By the way, I forgot to tell you because I was so busy, getting busy...heh, I saw your favorite band, you know the one you stalk relentlessly and obsess over to all the time, the chili peppers, yeah theri tour is coming to atlantic city, tomorrow, I don't know if you heard…”

“Actually, we're going tomorrow…Kevin bought us tickets.”

“Oh that's dope, man, I thought they were sold out. You know for all his bs, he's such a good brother, lucky bastard.--I wish my brother was as generous as him. I hope you guys have fun, don't OD”

“yeahhh, ha, thanks man”

“But no, what I meant was like…I heard their hiring roadies, and shit. For the rest of their nationwide tour, it ends when the summer does. I just thought, you might be into that.”

“Oh shit, thanks man that's actually…surprisingly thoughtful of you, but no, as much as I love the chilies, I'm most comfortable on the stage, not behind it. Im a band man at heart, and you know, I gotta focus on that right now.”

“ I used to be a roadie.”

“You did?”

“Yeha man, that shit is life changing, it's priceless experience, wouldn't trade it for the world.”

“Who will?”

“Kansas.”

“No way!?”

“Yeah man, they were tumblr though, totally outrageous. Sure, they mostly just played Carry on my Wayward Son on repeat, but that's what made it so unique. BUt the parties backstage man, pfft, forget about it. I tell you, I'm a better frontman now, because of it. But you know the truth is, I like kansas fine enough, but It’s especially life changing when you tour with a band, you really love.”

“Wow…well, I’ll think about it.”

“Well you have till tuesday, that's when they ride out. Even when you're already the best, It’s nice to have a backup plan you know.”

“Yeah….I guess it is.” Wow, now I couldn't even tell if he was being genuine or not. I shouldn't let my guard down, there was no reason, he wasn't even hitting on me anymore. I knew he was a master muplatiator, but I liked that he being so nice now, and knew exactly what I needed to hear. I was tired of fighting so i'm glad he decided to end thing on a ernest, if bittersweet note. (Even if he was even more of an asshole then before, for not getting tested) 

And of course Just as I thought he had changed his tune, I peeled myself off the wall, heading for the stairs, and he opened his big mouth again.

“Yeah, for guys like you, backup plans can be the difference between life and death. But Man, it’s still a massive bummer.” 

“What is.”

“Watching so many people waste their whole lives doing something they love, that they suck balls at. It’s such a tragedy, they think that one day they’ll get it, the American dream will come through for them, and they’ll finally succeed, when they never had a chance in the first place. It chokes me up every time.”

“Man, you can drop the flimsy metaphors, I know your talking about me”

“Yeah…but…I'm just being honest, you're not cut out for this lifestyle man. You're not special, everyone wants to be a rock star these days, and everyone thinks they have talent, and have something worthwhile to say. And let me tell you right now, it's not worth it. Why dont ya something else….like…I donno turning tricks, or….being a roadie, fuck yeah how does that sound?”

“What's your angle man?” I said. Rubin had a emotional life to my neck, and he knew just how to twist it…and bust my carotid artery. But I had already humiliated myself for five lifetimes, for the life of me, I couldn't cry in front of him now

“My angel? I'm just looking out for you. I can save you a lifetime of dispose tmnet right now, if you and your band just…pack up, and go home. You know you guys never stood a chance tonight, but hey, you cant say you didnt try, and thats more then most fuckers can say.”

“What…are you about to bribe me? News flash rubin, your little intimidation tactics…i've seen em all before, you're just jealous, and this is your last ditch effort to scare away the competition. Well, give it up man, we aren't going anywhere, and when we beat you tonight, it’s gonna feel twice as good. So why don't you just piss off, and tell it to someone who cares!” 

“Man, you are relentless. You don't believe me, that's fine. But I've been in  this business a long time, and I've seen guys like you chewed up and spit out every day. Who couldn't play for shit, who couldn't hack it, or who let it all get to his head, the drugs and booze got to him before he had his first single. This world is not just fun and games man, it’s not just an adventure for petty spite or ego stroking, it is vivous, and fucked up man, it will deveour you and shit you out a broken man. Trust me i've seen it, guys just like you who started out with big dreams, wanting to prove everyone wrong, and ending up 6ft under with a shitty radio hit from 79’ about cherry pie as their only claim to fame. You are so much less charismatic, and talented than those guys, I could only imagine what they’ll do to you, and trust me, it won't be pretty. It would just be such a pity to see it happen all over again, so why don't you spare us the cautionary tale, and just cut your losses, right here and now.” 

“I can't man. I’m not gonna be like those guys. And what the fuck are you talking about man, do what else? I can do nothing else, rock is in my blood it’s my divine calling, my destiny! Ok? Do you have a divine calling, no, I didn't think so? Like, what would you have me do, huh ‘turn tricks’ no rock n roll is it for me, and you can eat my shorts, because i'm damn good at it too. Ha, like come on, what the fuck else could I do, man?”

“I donno, but isn't that the beauty of backup plans?”

“What's your backup plan man? Where the hell are you gonna go if Rolling Veins doesn't work out, huh?”

“the morgue.”

“holy shit.”

“But yeah, I saw your set list, and I've…heard you guys rehearse…along with the rest of Ewing.”

“-wiat, when the hell did you ever hear us rehearse?”

“oh, I donno, every time Kevin would bring you to your place to study, I’d get a pretty good listen, and oh boy ... .where do I begin.” Kevin, no you did not.

“Kevin….h-ad you over to study? WHILE WE WERE REHEARSING?!”

“Yeah…you never noticed us, right in your kitchen? Wow you are slow-”

“You-I was right-YOU WERE SPYING ON US!??”

“pfft, that is a loaded question. Spying a bit of a harsh word, but yeah I got my fair share of private listening sessions, so…yeah now I know for a fact you guys suck.”

“I-I-” I was speechless, this was just all kind of screwed. So much for getting the upper hand. 

“You know, I’ve never understood what you see in the chili peppers, I always thought you’d be more of a Meatloaf guy.”

“I hate Meatloaf, that guy sucks.”

“Well I thought you’d dig him, afterall, you guys have a lot in common. But I gotta say man, even if you guys were talented, it isn't helped by the fact you are majorly bongous, dude. I mean i've heard you play almost all your lame ass tracks, but even out of that lot, why would you pick “Lady liberty of the night?” As your opener, thease jueges are all hard core patrnoits, they're a bunch of all american raganaites, and playing em a song about boning lady liberty is like -suside! But if you were a pro like me you’d know that already.”

“Ok genius, so let me get this straight, we have no talent, our set sucks, and you're such a pro you have zero chance of ever losing. well jesus man, why not tell us what else are we fucking up, since your clearly the abrtenr of all knowledge? I was starting to get a bit pissed, like who did this guy think he was? Only an hour ago he said he liked Bad Decisions music, now he’s full on attacking it. I mean does he think this is gonna make me second guess my own rock god prowess, and fully myself on stage in self doubt….pfft fat change. (Oh, if I only knew how wrong I was.)

“Well now that you asked Lester, yeah your set is ass, oh and the stage names…I mean…Mickey Finger and Rock Hardy...come on now, what are you guys, cowboy strippers selling corn nuts at the county fair? Now that is the opposite of rock  n roll, it's just plain tacky. Easiest way to not be taken seriously, is a goofy ass stage name. ”

“ok…then what’s your stage name, hot shot?”

“You will find out…when we get introduced, along with everyone else.”

“Whatever, man.”

 “BUt I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with…Fester” My ears pricked up, wait my name rhymes with Fester, was he…stealing my name for his stage name!? Oh NO I KNEW WHERE THIS WAS GOING, HE WAS GONNA KILL ME AND STEAL MY IDENTITY, OH NO, IT WAS ALL LEADING TO THIS!

Or it was all a misdirect and he just wanted to mess with my head even more. Maybe he didn't even have a stage name, man. I mean you’d think he’d have mentioned it to me by now, but maybe Kevin was, not everyone needs one.

Although, with a name like ‘Rubin smith’ I’d hope he chose a good one. 

“Ok man, thats all great but we dont need your adice, we practiced this shit and we dont need any last munite feedback man, if we did we would have fucking asked. Just so were clear, man, were not total amateurs, we played gigs all over the state for over a year, Frosty, remember him, the big shot manager at capitol records, is gonna be judging tonight. he’s my friend Lenny uncle and he even helped us Record! You remember we released Full Spread last summer, you might have heard it on the radio, hello?!”

“Sounds like classic Nepotism, doesnt get more mature than whining till daddy buys you a record deal.”

“You realize frosty, A REAL INDUSTRY PRO (unlike you) said were good, and not just because lenny is his nephew…he knows he used to suck on the keyboard, but in his professional opinion we kick ass, and are gonna make a surprise victory tonight…with or without his vote. Ok, so you can get off your high hose and stop acting like Axel Rose, and treating me like freshman bandcamp, alright?”

“Ah, but it doesn't matter anyway, right?  I mean, if I lose the battle, i'm still going to Harvard, and cutting a real record next month. But if you lose…well….it’s really over, isn't it. I mean look around, all your bandmates are graduating, going off to college, moving on with their lives, even your precious Kevin is leaving you. Lenny plus his little mute, surely will lose interest in you once the summer rolls around. Your band will fall apart, like it does every time, with life spans never surpassing a year, and zero success to show. And believe me, no one will want to join you if you try to start another band, not even the biggest freaks, too dumb to even read a time signature. Because now they know, what we’ve always know, that your nothing but a over confident, insufrible, fat, lonely, untalented, reidiculous, rock n roll-wannabe, annoying, dishonest, paranoid, childish, unsexy, unsuccessful, pathetic…failure…and that's all you'll ever be. The only way to ” 

 

Ok, now he made me cry. What the fuck was wrong with me, Rubin was more of an asshole then I thought, but he manged to yet again defy expecations and sucffucully gutted me. Leaving me a shell of a man.

I don't know why he felt the need to get so personal, or cut so deep. He seemingly just invaded my brain like a perssist, somehow knowing exactly what to say to break my heart even more. He repeated all of my insecurities and greatest weaknesses like shopping lists, he broke me down into a blubbering baby, and I’d never felt so helpless, and pathetic. I couldn't let him see me cry so I hid my eyes,but he just shoved my arm away.  He started touching my belt again, as he moved up close pushing me up against the wall, holding both my arms above my head. But this time it didnt feel sexy. It was insidious. I thought he was gonna throw me down the stairs, or beat me up like I'm sure he wanted too. But instead he just held me, our faces inches apart as he watched me cry, just smiling so deviously, as I started to sob. 

He just kept smiling, and giggling. The more I cried the more he enjoyed it. It was like he was getting off on it or something, the sick bastard. as I sniffled into obveine, snot running from my nose, my face turning pink, then blue as I cried out all the liquid in my body. I trembled with fear and agony, as tears just kept streaming down my face, as he leaned in and licked one of my tears. Then proceeding to kiss down my cheek, then my lips, still not letting me go, as I squirmed, until my body went lip. I was too scared and drained to fight back. He just kissed me harder, he kicked me and pushed me against the wall again, I could feel he was hard. But…it didn't feel like it did before, the sex in the air had evaporated, now he was just doing it for control. 

Until finally he let go, and threw me on the ground, I hit the granite floor with a thud. He then picked up my flabby mass and slammed me into the floor even harder, as if to remind me he was still in charge. He spit on me as I lay at his feet, he kicked me a struggled to look up at him, he kicked me so many times, and just started beating me into the ground. After he was done, some blood caking his hands, I still lay lifeless, shivering and whimpering, totally at his mercy. 

“Ha, shut up you love it, exactly how daddy likes it. Stop crying you little bitch, jesus, you aren't even worth the work out.” By this point he’d beaten me good, I was bleeding from my forehead, and had at least one black eye. By now I had a bloody nose, he bashed my chin in so it was bleeding onto my neck. I’d had worse, but damn he really did a number on me. I just looked up at him with tears filling my eyes so much I could barely see.

“Fuck you!” I slurred.

“Of course, this is what I get for trying to look out for you. All I was doing was trying to warn you, man! But you know what, fine! don't listen to me, see how far it gets you.”

“.....I did listen to you, and all I heard was bullshit. AND YOU KNOW WHAT MAN. I HAVE REALLY GOOD HEARING!” I whispered, struggling to stay conscientious. He leaned in even closer, as a shadow fell over his icy face, looking cold as ice.

“Pfft, alright man, go nuts, throw yourself to the wolves, I dont give a rat's ass, man, it’s your funeral. Just don't come crying to me when it all goes to hell” 

“i'll see you there!” I said. I've always wanted to go to hell, but I might reconsider if I have to see his stupid face again. 

He said nothing, smiling menacingly as usual. He knelt down beside me, as he rolled up my shirt to put out his cigarette on my belly. 

“I hope there's no traffic on the-”

“-Highway to hell-” I sang, horsey. Damn it, did he really just quote one of my favorite Ac Dc songs!? He was consistent i’d give him that, playing with my heart until the bitter end. He pressed the cigarette into my cut, burning me right below my belly button. I winced in pain. 

And just like that he simply… got up, and walked down the stairs. But not before turning around one last time, with the most evil, joker smile smeared across his face. Oh Rubin, why don't ya just kill me already.

“Hey tell your brother, I’ll write him-”

I struggled to sit up so I could look him in the eyes, as I kept moaning in grody despair. I was like a sailor bleeding out on the rocks, waiting to get devoured by walrus. I grit my teeth in seething pain, just waiting for his awnser. His pause for dramatic effect was killing me.

“Write him from where…”

“-Harvard.” He said, as he practically did a mancuhail cartoon villain laugh. He was just chewing the hell out of the scenery at this point, smiling and winking at me. Just like Kevin always does, and he used to do ...but now it just was the cherry on top, that wink shattered me like a poorly stored family vase. I face planted as he despaired down the stairs. I stared at my watch, twenty minutes till we went on. This was my lowest point, face down alone in a stairwell, totally defeated, totally done.

Wait, why the hell did I let Rubin do that to me, why didn't I fight back? Why did I just let him pummel me and spit his projected crippling doubt in my face like he was my conscience or something. Why, why did I put up with it…again.

Why didn't I stand up for myself, why couldn't I ignore his sex appeal, his so called e”industry experience”, and let him trash me and everything I love for the past twenty minutes non stop!? WHy….I don't get it. is it because on some level…I believe him, deep down I think he’s right about me, It just hurts to much to hear for the millionth time, and I’ve just refused to come to terms with it. 

Wow dude, That’s…just depressing. 

Hey buddy, hey, yeah you! are you still listening? come one man, give it to me straight. Come on man, you can be honest this is a safe space…just tell me, Is Rubin right, am I really just a failure who should quit while I'm ahead?

Actually you know what, don't awnser that.

You know what man, I even don't care if he was write or wrong, I don't want to believe him. YEAH WHAT WAS I THINKING, I'M AN INVINCIBLE ROCK GOD WHO WAS PUT ON THIS EARTH TO ONE THING, AND IT RHYMES WITH SOCK. ROCK N ROLL IS MY RELIGIONS, AND NO JERKWAD IS GONNA SHAKE MY FAITH THAT EASILY!!! I KNOW WHO I AM. I SHOULDN'T LISTEN TO HIM, HELL NO ONE SHOULD!!!! Rubin is a lowlife, heartbreaking, aids spreading, vaccine denying, test cheating, sell out, closet case-cocky, pompous wannabe, sell out, corporate, morally bankrupt, selfish, nihilistic, psychopathic, horrible in bed, violent, vindictive, heart breaking,-drug addict, mulituptive, evil super villain….BLONDE!????? worst exuse for a washed up rocker ive ever fucking met!??? Why…did I ever start vauling his opinion? Hm? You know…well I know why, it’s because he’s hot. Well who cares man, my hormones and pent up teenage boy-bullshit blinded me to his true nature, like so many disney princesses. But Kevin is right…yet again, the world is so very wide, and there are a billion other guys out there who are hotter than him, and who aren't massive dicks, (but hopefully still have them…)

I know I keep saying this, but now it was really gonna feel so much better after I blackmail him on monday. I cant wait till people find out about all the shit he put me through behind the scenes, twenty years from now, in some solicitous expose in the back pages of Playboy, or esquire. 

But, despite all that it still hurt, and yet again my confidence had gone limp. I was tempted to just go downstairs to see Kevin like I should have done 20 minutes ago, and get him to give me one of his classic pep talks to cheer me up.

But he was write, he can't give me pep talks forever. I needed to get through this one on my own. But it was more because I couldn't bear to show my face all teary and beat up like this, feeling this shitty, and helpless all over again, I just couldn't deal. I didn't want them to see my like this, I’m  the band leader, I have to be strong, and…lead, whatever that means. I have to pull myself together. They were probably out looking for me by now, I had to hurry. So I paced around, back n forth under the stairwell, doing all of Kevin's breathing techniques, reciting all of his affirming mantras.

“I am not a failure”

“I am not a failure”

“I am not a failure”

“I am not a failure”

None of it was working. I was so flustered and emasculated I just screamed, so loud knowing, (preying) the bands downstairs couldn't hear me, since the stairwell was soundproofed. I screamed so loud, nearly destroying my voice…you know that thing I need to sing, in thirty minutes on stage. So I just bit my lip, so hard it bled alone with every other orphis in my face, and I kicked the wall so hard paint began to chip on the wall above. But then I went too far, and kicked so hard my boot flew off, and I stubbed my toe, ripping off one of my ingrown tonsils.

“Youch!!!” I screeched hopping around on one foot like a lunatic. 

I had so much pent up rage, and I just wanted to smash something. I pray it ended up being my getair, and not Rubins empty skull. I thought tonight would be different, man I’d built it up so much in my head for so long, but of course like everything else, it wasn't quite so rock n roll in practice. 

He talked about stuff that I didn't think anyone knew about me, yet he knew, because he knew it would break me, because that's what he wants. Me to soccob to his mind torture and give up so he can steal the crown. I’ll never give in, i’ll never be bullied off the stage like that ever again, he’ll have to kill me first. I know rubin isn't worth listening too, but it still hurt, I'm not gonna lie, it hurt alot. Now I have a thick skin, man, I can take a hit, but…this time it just hit different, I mean, I’ve been hearing that same shit all my life, and I'm just tired of it. I don't want to have to listen to that shit ever again. I'm so tired, so,so tired, of him telling me that i'm a failure, treating me like I left my person card at home, like i'm not worthy of the title of human being, not even eligible for it. Rubin, and everyone else in my life always treats me like the personification of everything they hate about the world. like I'm not even worth talking about unless its to insult, I'm not even worth seeing unless its to glare at, i'm not worth having if its not to beat up, and not worth loving unless it’s to use me and break my heart. I cannot express just how sick and tired I am of being underestimated, and never getting the change to prove myself. I just…this was the last straw, Rubin, was going down. And i'm not talking about the blackmail. I gathered enough strength to get up, but I was still so wobbly I fell back on the wall for ballance. Smeared my head, and gagging at the blood dripping off my hand, so I wiped it on pants. I then noticed the sleeve of my leather jacket…it was torn….Rubin really just ruined Kevin’s Leather jacket. Oh hell no, this would not stand! 

You know this was the first time, I couldn't cope with something just by turning it into a rock song. Besides, Rubin would probably sing it first, a song about what else but….seduction and heartbreak. The judges favorite…

I swear to god, this means war. For underestimating us tonight, not just Rubin but every a-hole whoever called me a failure is gonna taste the fist of sweet sweet karma, in the form of humblingly-epic rock n roll baby! Fuck yeah!!! I'm telling you, after tonight every one of them is gonna eat their words, choke on them, and not get CPR, because none will call 911 in time. Not literally…of course, but I had to overpower all this self doubt somehow. 

          Everytime I manage to take Kevin’s advice, and summon real conficinde Life throws another bulshit bomb in my face, another guy telling me I'm a failure. Everytime I get it in my head that I can fake it till I make it with Kevin’s magic confidence, I always get cut down by some other curveball reminding me that I’m worthless. Shoving the reality in my face that im an amature at rock n roll,a joke, a looser, born to crash and burn. I just couldn't let Rubin get away with this, he can't win, that's not how this ends, people like him dont come out on top!? What kind of message would that be sending, people like him are so used to getting everything they want, but he can't win, not this time!

Not this time….

Suddenly a lightbulb hit me like his fist, and it all came together.

“that's it.” I whispered. 

Ok new plan, we got thirty minutes till we go on. Rubin and the judge frosty had heard our set a hundred times by now, so they have a frame of reference of what to expect tonight but…the adincince hasent it. That and Full spread that record we cut last summer, but we aren't performing any songs off there, and who am I kidding, no one out there’s heard it *anyway. (*or so I thought)

Soooooo, awnser me this, what do you do when you want to win a battle of the bands, with…the element of surprise on your side. You change your set and your stage name last minute, to appeal more to the current venue culture and audince climate. It's the perfect stunt to prove that even, in a split seconds notice, under immense pressure, discorgnataion, costume and tech dysfunctions and against all the odds your band can kick royal ass. It’s the ultimate test, the biggest brag, and it will be sure to leave Rubin, dad, the NJ public school system, and everyone who ever doubted us paying our debts, and placing our bets, and of course…shitting their pants.

…and I have just the song to do it. Something bold, something from our back catalog, something about heartbreak, seduction, something prodovictive about hell and hedonism. A song we haven't played in years, a song that's polarizing, brazzy, bold, risky and controversial…but only enough for the estrotirc judges to ednorse, and the evenagacal ones to tolerate. 

A song like…Satan's abortion. You know, the one we got kicked out of three churches, and defrocked six priests, just for playing. It’s perfect, I still remember the lyrics like yesterday, not to mention that nasty, unforgiving riff. 

As for a new stage name…I always knew Mickey Fingers was asinine, Kevin’s intentions were amazing but this was the rare occasion, where that simply isn't enough. But I know what name…is calling my name right now. Yep, I think it’s time to take Mack Lasher off the backburner. So I ran down the stairs, a man on a mission once again. Having failed the first with Rubin, but dead seat on achieving the second one. And tonight I’ll kick income amounts of ass, I’ll rise, when everyone least expects it. Shit, I gotta find Billy, to change our set and my name before we go on, I had to hurry, the clock was ticking. Hopefully they allow such last minute changes. But I wasn't worried, I mean it’s battle of the bands for gods sake…man, this place is diva central, it makes barbra streisand's dressing room look like an AA meeting. So I regained my straight, and bolted down the stairs looking for Billy, or whoever was closest with the clipboard. But I had to do it fast, before my band could find out, I didn't want to ruin the surprise. Oh shit…I can't wait to see the look on their faces when I tell them it’s gonna be a princess. 

Now, I know what your thinking. ‘Lester, this isn't a plan? Your just taking all of Rubin’s shitty advice, verbatim. I thought you said, he was a jerkwad, and no one should take his advice.’ Well, buddy…keep conversation there. And congrats… your right! But…though he was rude as hell about it, he was right about the fact this is our first battle of the bands, and we may have not been as well prepared as I thought. And were a young band, we have a lot of growing to do…sure it’s easy to ignore coming out of his big, herpes ridden  mouth but…his advice, now that i think about it, really wasn't half bad.

And the best way to stick it to him…is to actually take his advice, and use it to win the battle. Me actually listening to him, and taking what he said to heart, and using it to our greatest advantage, now that’s the last thing he’ll expect. 

And it will be a special kind of karma when we win, and he sees us holding that massive check up on that stage, as he cowers backstage fuming. I can't wait to see his face, when he finds out, not only did we win despite his desperate attempts to drive us away, but by using the tricks he gave us. 

The poetic justice is almost too juicy to be real! I’m giggling like a toddler who just discovered bubbles just thinking about it. Maybe tonight isn't a total bust afterall. Now, let's be clear, I'm not JUST doing this to spite Rubin. Obviously, sure that just happens to be a very compelling force behind it,  but don't get it twisted, I haven't forgotten what we came here for. 1 of rock n roll humility, never forget where you came from. it's all for our career, for all the years we worked, and to go out with the biggest bang since god farted out the universe, before graduation and rock everyone’s little fuzzy socks off tonight!

And you know, if taking Rubin's decent advice last minute–totally not to spite him, and because it kind of was good advice–is what it takes to get us there, then so be it. and just seeing his sorry face after we win as a little bonus.

And you know, yeah, maybe a little bit of spite thrown in there as well.

I finally made it to the ground floor, I busted into the lobby and found Billy. Stalking the halls, outside the dressing room. I came down just in time to hear The Lost Cause close out their final set…everyone cheered at the final belted note about America the brave or something terrible like that. And spotted me coming back into the dressing room, but barely noticed me as they were too busy drinking and celebrating their “Winning” set. With a brief second to spare in between sets, I belonged to Billy cornering him in a small backstage cordor, where the pulleys are for the curtains. I tapped on Billy’s shoulder, as he paced back and forth in a frenzy, yelling into his Sony microphone headset like he was being robbed. He whisked around, still getting and nervously tweaking out, he looked like he hadn't drank coffee, water or used the bathroom in over a decade. Well guess doing battle of the bands every year, like two presidential terms, by the end, you’ll be sure to have gray hair and an addiction to something.

“Lester?! What are you doing out here, you're on in half an hour?”

“Oh um…yeah, about that. We're changing our set list” He groaned like He’d heard this one before. stumbled adjusting his classes flipping through the set list.

“Well, it's a bit short notice for that now. I mean we’ve already gotten the amps queued up, and adjusted for time-” yeah, I thought he’d say this, but I had no time for it. I was a man on a mission now, heh, watch out Rubin, your next.

“That's fine, man, just change it. The first song-”

“I think you mean…only song, remember, Mr. Flatt, we're only doing one song per set now.”

“Wait, what? When did this happen?”

“What do you mean, when? We just announced it over the intercom, 2o minutes ago? Of course,Every band and their mother is throwing a fit about it now…floundering over what to sing and who’s to sing it. Go figure.” I flinched, that made perfect sense, 20 minutes ago I was getting my shit rocked in the stairwell, the one place where no one can hear the band’s preform, or the intercom. My eyes lit up, when I realized what was going on here. Check out my luck, an opportunity like this just falling into my lap. Wow maybe the rock gods were sending me a sign, praise god, halauruah.

“Well yeah, I didn't hear cuz…uh…I was in the bathroom…helping Lenny get dressed of course, our costumes are…pretty wild, they take a lot of TLC to put on, if you catch my drift. Pfft, just wait till you guys see me!’ heh…I was so busy…buckling all his straps…and everything, I totally missed it! Crazy…how these things happen, man.” Billy just looked up at me from his clipboard, totally deadpan, rolling his eyes, looking impossibly drained. I just squinted, smiled like a psychopathic clown, clenched by butt cheeks and fists, and held my breath. To look as happy, normal, and convincing as possible. Billy didn't flinch.

“Yeah……Crazy. I'm guessing your band sent you, ugh, ok. you guys are the last ones. Bad Decisions…Jesus, those lazy farts, were so busy getting dressed they couldn't even drag themselves out here twenty minutes ago, when they were supposed to!? Ugh, Fucking rock stars, nothing but big egos, with no respect for the common man. Ugh,I don't get paid enough for this shit. 

“heh..heh, yeah totally! Lazy farts…all of them. Their always…making me do all their dirty work, cleaning up their shit stains, bad Pr-”

“Ok I get it. Now what'll it be, come on asshole we haven't got all day?”

“Oh right…uh…” He showed me the clipboard, showing the three songs that was our original set, including, lady liberty of the night as our opener. Ha, Rubin was expecting to hear this…amature crap tonight, (he was hoping for me to run home, crying with an ice pack to to the temple) But what he was gonna get, was…the blues.

“I'm waiting?”

“Heartbreak blues” Billy quickly scribbled out the previous three songs in our slot, writing in our new one with intense penmanship, tearing the page he aggressively wrote it outside the margins. I gulped, as I watched him write over the world Heartbreak, over and over, 

Ok, and is your band up to speed? Have they practiced it…” I looked at him weird, raising an eyebrow and crossing my arms. Wow, this Billy kid had some nerves, what was our practicing schedule, any of his business. Nosy runt.

“Sir, I’m required to ask…due to the last minute set chance-?”

“Yes, we've practiced it. We know heartbreak like the back of our butts, alright?” 

“Alright, good, good. Now, will that be all?”

“No…actually. I’m also…gonna need you to…uh…change my stage name.” Billy checked the clipboard.

“Mickey fingers? Pfft, Yeah ...man, I don't blame you, I’d change it too, you won't catch a lot of tails, with a name like that-'' I glared at him. He awkwardly diverted, looked down and cleared his throat. As if he’s been talking so filthy, dirty had filled his thoughts.

“Eheim! So then, what's the new name?”

“Mack Lasher”

“Wow you really had that one, locked n loaded…hey, do you…maybe wanna pick something that sounds less like Mick Jagger-?”

“-AHHH SHUT UP! hah, Mack Lasher, Mick Jagger are old news, I'm the new poster child of rock, I’m the biggest thing to hit rock since the pilgrims. After tonight, everyone here will be wanting every part of me…not just my name.” 

“Well, you have a lot in common. You both have a big mouth!”

“Damn right. and don't you forget it. Mack Lasher and his…bad decisions, There, you can write that down on your, fuddy duddy clipboard.”

“Great. Last thing, I'm required to ask, do you have a backup?”

“What…name?”

“No…song, in case the first one is not queued up to the music in time, something for your ogninal set perhaps?.”

“Music ques? Is that your problem?”

“JUST PICK A DAMN SONG”

“Ok! ok, ok jeezy…i'm fine. Satan's Abortion” I shrieked, as Billy started writing and muttering the name of the song to himself as he scribbled. 

“Satan ab-WAIT WAIT??” He just realized what he was writing but he just wiped his sweaty head on his shirt. 

“I don't get paid enough for this shit.” Billy muttered under his breath.

As he saw, the other two female summit’s techies walked by,including the one who greeted us at the door. They had seemingly come from the other side of the stage, where there was no backstage and no one had to deal with this last minute blunder changing everyone's set last minute, except the bands who had already performed.  I saw Billy glare at them as they giggled, those bitches had left him dry over here to deal with this entire kerfuffle, and manage the entire battle by himself. I could Tell Billy had a bone to pick with them, poor Billy he couldn't have been older than me or Lenny. I took this as my opportunity to ditch him, as my work here was done anyway.

“Will that be all, ‘SIRR’, AM I EXCUSED…?” I asked mockingly, on my way out, Billy just nodded. The clipboard almost slipped through his trembling hands as he further dropped into a puddle on the floor, getting trampled by the band that had just finished their set. The band took three bows, and was greeted with an outstanding ovation. Their fans raged so hard it almost shook the stage. I could see the madness from the side view through the curtain. There were war chants, girls on their boyfriends shoulders blowing chauffeurs and throwing rice and beads, yodeling, battle cries and teens throwing…hopefully fake bones on stage. I just blended into the stampede, and followed the Viking metal band, Ragnarok, backstage. I ran as fast as I could through the gilded, backstage door with the star at its center as fast as I could. I had only been there twenty minutes, but it felt like I was coming home from war.

I Bolted to the back of the dressing room to see Kevin just where I’d left, I ran to give him the biggest hug of his life, along with the good news. But to my surprise, I was met with Kevin and a lot of them were already in full leather. They had gotten dressed without me, wow color me impressed…and a tad left out but you know. I nervously looked around to see they were getting the expected homophobic and weirded out looks from the other bands, more than half of which had already performed. But I also saw more than a few people nodding their heads in approval and admiration, some even making some goo goo eyes and biting their lips, turned on by us, and honestly, who could blame them. I smirked at them, after scoping out the rooms' reaction. Wow, only a few days ago they were worried about being chased off the stage with torches and pitchforks, for performing in full Leather. Ha, If only they could see themselves now. Which evidently they can, as our reluctant reinfections stared back at us in vanity. Kevin stepped forward, handing me my outfit, folded up and ironed all nice.

“There you are! We've been looking all over for you, man!” Kevin said

“Ugh, sorry man, I got…a bit sidetracked-””

“What man, digging a hole to china? Seriously, what the hell took ya so long? You were only supposed to bring Trent back”

“And I did didn't I?” 

“Yeah man, and thank you for your service. And Color me impressed, I mean I never expected your fat ass to ever make it down those stairs in this lifetime, you have exceeded my expectations. ”

“Wow, Trent…you really know how to make a fella feel good.” I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes, causing him to do the same. Trent just pushed Lenny for laughing too hard at that little slight. Kevin just pushed me behind the Changing partition with haste. He knew something was up though so first grabbed me by the soldiers and gave me that, “ok, now what were you really doing” face.

“You guys look great by the way, I'm blown away you figured out how to put 'em on without me.”

“I'm blown away you just disappeared for twenty minutes, at the event you were just having a heart attack at the mere idea of missing five seconds of” 

“Yeah well, I got Trent but…just like you feared, it took a really, really, long to talk him off the ledge.”

“Yeah but…not twenty minutes, I mean come on. Why are you even trying to lie to me right now, you know, it’s a futile effort. Besides, Trent here just finished telling me about how he was just on a smoke break, for less than two minutes before you followed him back downstairs. Sooooooo, now, would you like to explain what you’ve really been doing for the past twenty minutes. I mean we perform in less then thirty, don't you think that's cutting it a bit close, dude?”

“Yeah…Um…ok. I-I-uh” Kevin suddenly held my face, in the frenzy suddenly time stopped and his eyes widened as he cupped my cheek in his leather gloved hand. He finally noticed the obvious, my face was beaten in, two black eyes and shirt smeared with caked blood, dried on my chin and cheeks. I could tell Kevin was nervous, I could hear the gears in his stressed out brain starting to turn. He was already conducting a million possible nightmare explanations for my injuries.  

“Lester…what happened?” He said, caressing my black eye.

Ok now would be a good time to become a good lair, but he was right I could never fool him. No matter how hard I tried, he was always one step ahead. So I’ll have to tell the most convincing lie, the most realistic, and believe an excuse as to how I got all beat up, anyone's ever heard in all of human history.

“I fell down the stairs.” Everyone laughed. Kevin just sighed. Ok, well it sounded more convincing in my head.

“You…fell down the stairs?”

“yeah man, tripped on a banana peel and everything.”

“Oh really? A banana peel, for your new… slapstick comedy routine? And what? Trend was bunching on fresh banana and just…tossed it behind him!?”

“Maybe, I dunno man. He could have been concealing a weapon, bananas are considered deadly force men, look it up. And he…didn't 

“Lessie, how dare you, Accuse me of a misnomer, with no evidence. There were no witnesses, and your case lacks probable cause. I mean eating bananas indoors, what monster would do such a thing!?'' Trent mocked, sounding especially silly. I just rolled my eyes, god I had to stop doing that, one of these days they were gonna get stuck back there.

“Ok for your information, falling down the stairs is a very…emotional experience, and your all hounding me which…could be considered badgering a victim, and also heartless.”

“I fell down the stairs tons of times, and I never got beat up that bad.”

“Yeah Lenny, that's because your brain took all the damage.” Trent said

“Heyyy-what is that supposed to mean?”

“I don't know Lenny, you're a smart boy, you figure it out.”

“Hey, kiss my ass, dickwad!”

“You should be thanking me for defending you by shocking racist mountains over there.”

“Trent, just shut up man, you know that's Bull. I ain't no damsel in distress you didn't have to crack that guys skull open for me, no one had a gun to your head, in fact it was mad stupid. You're done these before, you know starting fights is like…the opposite of a professional man. But who are we kidding? We all know you didn't globber that bozo for me, you and him have history, and you just wanted to get revenge on some guy who’s ancestors probably enslaved yours. OK? I mean lets just be honest here, Lester wouldn't have even needed to go looking for you and fall down the stairs if you hadn't almost gotten us all dis-qualifed!? Man, none of this would have happened, if you’d kept your hands to yourself, and saved em for playing bass, witch is all your here for!”

“Keep talking Leonard and your empty head will be next.”

“OK, ladies, ladies, you're both pretty, so can we please keep it together until after the show? After all guys, this is a rock concert, not a boxing ring”

“Yeah man, Kevin is right. we came here to fight the man, not each other! Can't we all just not beat eachother up, for a little bit longer, come on we’ve been practicing for this all our lives! Come on, we can throw fists, any other day of the year-!”

“Shut up Lester!'' Everyone turned to me and shrieked, at the top of their lungs, everyone including Kevin. Fine, I guess it was a bad time for my usual appeal to my rock n roll code of ethics. I finally took my outfit and started to get changed behind the partition, with no one watching but…possibly some creeps looking in through the one cracked slit in the middle. But even through the faded Chinese partition screen, I couldn't help but notice everyone was Drunk. Right before our set!? Come on guys, we talked about this!

After they drank what I can only assume is a few beers, and a joint or two judging by how messy the corner of the vaniity, covered in empty beer bottles, smokes, and…cocaine. Gosh, I leave for twenty minutes to face the devil himself, and come back to a pure madhouse where everything gone straight to shittsvile, just as I’d feared. I swear, I was the glue aroundarround here.

“Ok Lester, I know you diddnt fall down the fucking stairs, anyone could tell that’s a crock of shit. But your lucky, becausebecuase now we have no time to integrate you.” I audiblyaudtobly sighed with relief from behind the partition, so Kevin punched the wall lighty to stop me fromfor getting too comfortableto comoftoble.

“Yeah, Lessie dont think you’ve gotten away scott free, tomorrow I expect a properpropper explanation for this.” I sighed even louder as I finished suitingsuitibg up at last. After putting on my tight leather cowboy chaps, leather jacket, not Kevins with Bruce on the back, but the new sexy one with the studiedstuded color and shoulder pads I got at Trash and Vaudevillen Vuadvile. It was the lather jacket I had never worn before,and was unveiling, tonight, for the very first time. I slid on my Doc Martenmartin platform boots, tied them upem up, and put on my hat, Bdsm choker and wrist cuffs. I couldn'tcouldnt see my reflection, but I could only imagine how badass it was. Thank god for Kevin, keeping our outfits nice and clean, and dry. It wasn'tdry it wasn'twasnt even sweaty from our performancepreofomance last night. Rubin was gonna get a big fat envy-bonner I know it. I stepped out. to see the rest of the band greet me with gapoing jaws, cluberating how great I look, and how badass we all look together, as a band. As we gathered round the vanity to geek out at just how well we fit. Trent wasting no time, before ploppingploping down Lenny in the makeup stool to get his full face of goth makeupmakup. He had to hurry, everyone looked at the countdown mega clock, as it loomed over us, reminding us of just how little time we had left. Kevin turned to me suddenly, away from the group.

“hey, you don'tdont have to tell me what happened if you don'tdont want to. But I don'tdont want you feeling ashamed if someone beat you up, no matter who it was I don'tdont care, i'm yourim your big brother, you can tell me anything.”

“It really was nothingnithing man, I just took a good tumble’”

“Look man, I'm sorryIm sorry I wasn'twasnt there for you. I cancant alwayswalsys be there, to defend you man, if I could I would, all the times I could, you know I didn'tdidnt let those Bullies lay a hand on you. But they still beat you, every day-”

“Yeah…like dad.”

“Yeah, yeah, like dad. Andand I'm sorry for all the years I didn'tdidnt stand up for you when I could, when I knew how bad they were hurting you but I was too much of a selfish coward tocoward, to take a stand. I hope one day you can forgive me man, It-It eats me alive every day.”

“Man, whaaaaat, pfft, I don'tdont care about that man, where is this coming from? Nah, this is just pre-show jitters, right you shouldsould drink a little, calm your nerves.”

“Nah, I’ll pass. SomeoneSomone has to drive us home. But man, Ive seen alot of beatings in my day, and yours right now, isnt from falling down the stairs…it’s from someone punching your fucking face in, and it’s obsvuous it was crime of passion. Strangers don'tdont draw that much blood, man. Trust me, I know.”

“Man, for the last time, it was nothing like that! But, you know what, our whole thing is like Kinky, rough, SNM, BDSM, Leather badass, hard core rock n roll-”

“Oh is that whatwahat we are now?”

“-Yeah, so if I'm a little beat up, it’s all part of the show…ya feel me? See, it'sits brilliantbrillant we can just say it’s makeup, makes the whole thing more authentic. Afterall Rock n roll is all about…rolling with the punches, Right?”

“...Whatever you say rock n roll is this week, baby, were rollingroling.” Lenny said.  holy hell, why was he so drunk, oh my god, and why is he still drinking Kevins beer!?

“Yeah, Lester I supposesoppose, but are you implying we should all get zombie makeup to match?” Kevin asked, in good faith but with bad timing.

“No! God no, Roxy’s in the audience right now, god knows if your girlfriends not being turned on by your “gay” outfits is a gamble, imagine the chances of them taking you home tonight, if you all look like burn victims quartetquatrtet. Pfft, I mean forget about taking you home, you’ll scare the babes away before the show even ends. So now, the front man must bearbare the grizzliest scars, though it'sits a great burdenbureen of badassery I'mbadassry im willing to bear.”

“We Thank you for your serviceserfice” Trent said, hardly even engaging. I tuned to Kevin, as the others moved on, and whispered in his ear.

“Well, on the bright side, at least I finished the love list before getting the old irish hello.” Suddenly Kevin pulled me aside,back behind the paration and we started having a full blown private conversation.

“....oh shit that reminds me! Today, did you get tested.” Kev’ wispiered

“tested? For what?”

“Aids numbnutsnumnuts! Remember last night you promised you would!”

“When the hell would I have time for that today?”

“Uhhhhh….isn'tisnt that where you were coming from before we left?” Oh crap-soda. That'sThats when I was at RubensRubins house, screwing him and getting screwed by his betrayalbetray. It might havemightve not taken so long if it wasn'twasnt for the necessary blackmail, how long does aids tests usuallyussualy last anyway. Well, he was already nervous, and I was already caught fibbing again, so now I for sure not gonna tell him Rubin likely has aids, and is refusing to get tested seeminglyseemigly out of spite. That’s just..best left out for now.

“No, I didn'tdidnt, I was out doing some last minute shopping.”

“Oh, but you already bought us the booze by then. What else did you buy?”

“Nothing actually, I went to the store for hours, but realizedrelizewd that…I had everything I needed.”

“Wow, alright. But you need to get tested tomorrow…or at least at some point before I ship off to Harvard on Tuesday, alright? So I can sleep at night.”

“You didn'tdidnt sleep last night?”

“pfft, barley. if it wasn'twasnt for Coffee, I’d be six feet under, I swear. But, you know now that you’ve graduated from the lovelist, you can finally meet people on your own terms…maybe even ones who…would kiss your big puffy black eye instead of recoil in diecuiset.”

“PfftPftt,yeah someday…but no ones really like that. Wait-do they, know?”

“WhoDoes who knowsknow?”

“The band, mum/dad, the school, everyone does everyone know about the lovelist?”

“No, not at all. Not that I know of anyway.”

“Does Rubin.”

“No…trust me, I saw him last night and he…definitelydeiinfly had no clue that'sthats how you two met, let alone that I gave it to you…I know you love being paranoid, but seriously like..trust me man, if something like this got out, oh boy, it’s all anyone would be talking about, trust me.”

“Ok, I trust you, despite the little green man in my brain begging me not totoo. Let'sLets hope your right about this.”

“ha, yeah…let'slets prayprey.”

“Gods, a bitch, so let'slets not.” 

Phew! Thank god. We're Still in the clear, no one knows about the list. I was just checking to make sure Rubin has nothing to blackmail me with, when the time comes. And Despite recent events, I still trust Kevin to a fault, so he’s definitely right about this.

He better be. 

Kevin’s face suddenly lit up, like he’d just remembered his own name after a long coma, he aggressively turned back to the group as they continued to drink and laugh.

“Holy shit! Guys, I can't believe I forgotbelieve forgot, we were supposedsoposed to submit our song tosong, to billy. I hope it’s not too late.”

“No worries, already taken care of.”

“Wait what? When did you have time for that, I thought you were too busy taking twenty minutes to fall down the stairs.” Kevin said.

“Yeah, man, it’s bogus they'retheir making us do it last minutemunite. But wait, how the hell did you even hear about it man, in the stairwell you can't hear shit, unless when you fell, you happenhappedn to cross the sound barrierbaarier-” Trent argued

“Nah, I think the real questionuestion is, they didn't announce it that long ago man, why haven'thavent you told billy our song?”

“The line was long man, besides how could we, we were too busy looking for you. Naturally we knewknee you’d raise hell if we picked a long without you, god knows it took 367 days to dicicied on the three for our set, and even those were notwerent set in stone. But clearly, you didn'tdidnt afford us the same courtesycurtorsy.”

“Look guys, if you must know, Billy pulled me aside, the man was dying, sweating, pulling his hair, and teeth out, makingmaning a sinking ship all alone, he begged me to pick a song saying the timer was about to run out, so I had to make a choice in the heat of the moment, and all that Viking metal, I steps up as leader of the band and boldly picked the best song for us to preform.”

“And what song would that be?” Trent asked, skeptically.

“Heartbreak Blues.” I said, smilingsaid smiling wide, waitingwide waiting for them to cheer, and embrace me. But after a long pause, to my dismay, they all just lost their shit.

“YOU DID WHAT???!” Lenny shriekedshriked. Suddenly to my mild shock, everyoneevryone just went feralferrel  over my very, very, rationalratanoial decision. I mean come on guys, jeez, I thought they’d be pumped about this, I did their dirty decisiondicion making work for them.

“HEARTBREAK BLUES!? You'reYour kidding right? You choose the hokey b-side track from Full spread, the one you yourselfone yourself called “a fop in hit’s clothing!?’ The song you wrote after Guns n’ Roses broke up, because it broke your heart?! What the hell were you thinkingthikiing man! You’ve sunk us!?” Trent raged, as the rest of the party followed suit, pacing and pulling their hair out.

“This makes no sense Lester, Heartbreak blues, HEARTBREAK BLUES!?? I mean for god'sgods sakes, we spent months picking our set, and the whole time, you were such a professionprofesnstoist you’d make Stanley Kubrick look indecisiveindicicisve! Don'tDont think I forgot, all those nights we spent combing over every tape, not decidingdidciding on a track until the last possible minute. Out of all that time, we picked three great tracks, you said over and over again perfectly captured ‘what this band, and rock n roll are really all about’ whateverwhatver the hell that means!? But out of our entire catalogctagolg, why the hell would you pick that one?” I took a minute to ponder my response as the shocked reactions, just kept coming.  Lenny and beans just cracked up, and starting elbowing me.

“HEARTBREAK BLUES!? Man, you hate that song!? See Kevin, this is what happens when you take too long to get dressed. I mean, if you hadn'thaddent taken so long in there to put on your Leather panty thong we wouldn'twouldnt be in this situationsistutaion! I mean what are you, a chick?”

“Lenny, I will slap you.” Kevin saidsiad, sighing. He was the picture of a man bursting at the seams, fuming like a cartoon teapot. But don'tdont worry, he was gonna thank me later. It was all worth it to spite Rubin, afterall revenge was a dish best served…by me. Lenny just kept chuckling, clearly drunk beyond repair, just as we’d feared. As Beans looked similarly intoxicated, struggling to stand with his lanky arm aroundarround Lenny'sLennys shoulder.

“T-t-this f-f-feels like s–s-sabotages-sabbtagoge.” Beans said, lookingsaid looking down.

“Guys…what was I supposedsopposed to do… we had run out of time…I just picked the first songong that came to mind…if you guys had gone out maybe we could biker like this some more, but this is my band, I thought you trusted me by now. Come on guys, we all knew anything could happen, that'sthats rock n roll, sosoooo unpredictableunpreodictpal /≥man…..what matters is that we made it, and were togethertogethr. Right? RIGHT???” I said, soundingsaid sounding transparentlytrasnpernetly suspicious, you could hear the ulterior motives between my every word. I looked up at Kevin, still wearing a phonyphoney smile, as he raised an eyebrow, as if he could tell somethingsomthing was up, and picking this song was only the tip of the iceberg.I gulped and started to sweat. It, It was Kevin, I couldn't hide from him. Finally Kevin spoke up/

“Yeah but man, that was a band decision, you should have asked us first.”

 “Yeahhh, Lester, your big bro is right! Because decisions are like chicks, man, if you don'tdont make the right ones, more qualified guys are gonna have to take charge, and make em for you.” Lenny neededLenny, needed to be stoppedstooped! No, I couldn'tcouldnt be distracted now by his juvenile, drunken sexism, I couldn'tcouldnt just let there fume, right before our premonance thinking I’d picked the worst song of all time for our replacement, I had to defenddefned my actionsactsions! As I hadn'thaddent done enoughenugh of that today.

“I honestly have no clue what you're talking about, guys, It’s a great song! Just Relax, ok? I think everyoneevryone here needs to take a big deep breathe, and pop a couple of chill pills, because you guys are majorly wigging, OVER NOTHING! Quiz twerkintwekkin, and save some of your energy for the stage, trust me after the amount of booze, and emotional whiplashwiplash, your gonna need it. And lets be real, heartbreak Blues is a bonafidebonfide a classic, I personally recall My brother here, confirming that the all American judges tonight love songs about-” Kevin cut me off, looking nervous and tense as all hell.

“-Seduction and heartbreak, I know….but-”

“-But what? Heartbreak is in the title, man! How perfect is that?”

“Yeah, but Lessie, we really haven't practicedpractieted that one enough! Besides, out of the three songs from the setfrom set, whichwitch we put so much tender loving care into selecting, why pick a song like heartbreak blues? A song we haven't played in years, that you are on record calling a“Grade A. career stunting schlock”, over the three songs we’ve played a hundred times in this week alone, that everyone can agree kicks royal ass! I mean hell, there'stheres no rule against just choosing one of the three we already picked, you could've chosen Lady Liberty of the night, that was our opener, man, you love that song! No one can sing it like you man…no one. Why not choose that one?!” 

“I dunno man, it just didn't feel right. That song is so tastelesstatsless, man, it was just pandering to the all american hack-judges, and we all know it!? Why were we trying to sell out before even getting a lick of successsucuess, hmm? And besides, It was too predictablepredicable” Kevin’s cheeks suddenly turned a bright rouge, as the veins popped from his neck and his eyes bulging, forming a very explosive expression. and the rest of the band behind him simply fainted and fumed in a similar exasperated cloud of rage and confusion. Why, I thought they would be happy about this? 

“Perdible? PERDIBLE?! Lester for once in your goddamngoddanm life, why couldn'tcoudlnt you just be predictablepredicable!?” Kevin hollered, 

“Look, man, Rock n roll isn'tisnt about being perdible…”

“What'sWhats so wrong with being perdible huh? Your not the fucking higgs boson man partcile, we should be able to predict were and you are what your going to do!? I know you think you know what rock n roll is, and you just want to stand out tonight, but at what cost man? Sometimes you gotta be perdible, to peoplepepole who are relying on you and put aside their whole lives to play this show. Man, how many times do we have to go over this, rock n roll isn'tisnt about making rash impulsive, short sightedsited decisionsdieicions without consulting your band first! Like come on!” Kevin sat me down in the folding chair and crossed his arms. I just laid back and sighed.

“Man, I thought you guys would be happy, I saved your ass, did you not hear me, they were about to stop taking requests and send the leftover bands home, I got there just in time! I picked the best track man, the one that's gonna unlock our full rock n roll potential, you should be fucking thanking me!”

“That'sThats it, were doomed.?” Trent said 

“Ok Look, Les’ I'm sorry, that was…harsh, I know. I get it, we took to long to dedicateddidicded, but it'sits not your fault, because it’s so unprecedentedunpredipented though, for them even to do this shit, and mid-show no less!?”

“Nah Kev, they pull BS like this…basically every year” Trent corrected, nowcorrected now standing in the shadows behind the obsessively tuning his bass. Kevin pinched his crumpled brows and sighed audibly, looking down at me with guilt and earnest concert.

“Ok well, it’s too lateto late now anyway…heartbreak blues, that just feels like a cry for help. Didn'tDidnt you write that song, the night of our firstfrist rehearsalreherhasal, the night dad-”

“Yeah! Yeah, man but great art and great rock n roll always comes from suffering, and that’s why it’s really gonna cut throughthrogh the noise of all these loud bombastic stadium metalheads. I mean guys, have you forgotten whos the leader of this band…”

“UGh! here we go”

“And…let'slest get real sometimes in rock n roll, sometimes in new jersey, hell sometimes in life, you gotta adapt, think on your feet and roll with the stones-and the punches! I mean, come on, this is the ultimate test! If we wereIf were really as badass a band as we’d like to think, surely we wouldn'twouldnt be one to back downbackdown from a challenge. Hell, we’ve been booed out of churches and kicked out more country music fairs thanthen I have fingersI fingers to count, and we finally madeamde it to the big league, and we'rewerre scared of a little..spontaneitysponastnaoity? God, we really have gone soft.” I smiled knowing I'di’d gotten to them, went straight for the fragilefrigile egos, and workedworks every time. Bad DecisionsDecsions never turns down a challenge.

“He’s got a point” Trent piped up fromform the shadows.

“Besides how are we to succeed in this industry, when we can't even play a last minute song change. Besides, I have no doubts even if we wereif were a little rusty on the song, we’ve played all our songs a hundred times over, it's simply muscle memory, man and we made all the ladies cream and all the guys jealous every time, we worked too hardto hard to give into doubt now. Come on this is no different thanthen all the times the song just didn'tdidnt feel right, so we changed it last minute to fill the church pewspiews, cause the most panties and jaws to drop, or get the most applause! We have nothing to worry about, when did y'all start thinking so low of our rock n roll chops, cuz I must have missed it!? I believe we could play stairway to heaven out of a triangle if we wanted to and still win this thing! Now, I don't know about you, but have no doubt our badasserybadassary will speak for itself.”

“Lessie…”

“Kev…do ya trust me?” The time old question, it all always seems to come back to that…question. Kevin paused for a minute, bowed his head and chuckled, and dragged his trembling leather gloved hands across his face.

“Oh my god. Ok, this is happening. Alright guys, you heard em, dig up the lyrics for Heart BluesHeartblues Blues, where on in 10.”

Everyone includingincuding trent, groaned, glared at me looking shocked and began to wave their hands arrenound to whine and protest.

“You heardhead the man, we'rewere doing heartbreak blues! Now get your asses in gear, and get ready to go on!’ Trent said, patting Kevins bare, leather burned shoulder. Lenny and BeansBenas signedsighed whispering “you better know what you'reyour doing” in my ear, as The whole band huddled around our vanity mirror to quickly play Woah, I couldn'tcoudlnt believe it. DUDE! They were actuallyactully going along with it!

Well…they sort of have to now, and they were just putting up a huge fight…but still! Danm, If Rubin could only see me now, the look on his face in the audience,whenwhne he hears the song, and realizesrelaexises it’s abouta bout him…and how much of a royal Warped narbo spazstic Ass-hat he really is! 

SuddenlySuUddnley as the cloked ticked, and my band was over in the cornner tunning their guitarsgutairs and remembering the lyrics to “HeartbreakHeatybreaks blues.” something came over me.

“Hey Mr. Lead Singer! get over here dude!” Kevin called out from the vanity, gesturinggetsturing for me to come over and join them.

“Nah! You guys can practicepratice, I don'tdont need to though!”

“Whaaaaaat? Come on, Lester!?”

“Nah, trust me, I know this song like the backbakc of my ass…ok? I know it'sits been a few months, but I know this one, trust me…do you really think I would suggest a song that I was still rusty on for our full set, HA! Man, now that'sthats just insulating. You guys practicepratice though, you better hurry clock is ticking.”

“Lester come on, It wouldn'twoulnt hurt to just run through it a few times, don'tdont wanna get too cocky, man, you know…you haven'thavent practicedpraticed it in months, just like the rest of us! Your the leader of the band, so get your leather behind over here, and lead!” Kevin yelled after me. 

“Now where are you going!?”

“I’ll be right back!” a timelytimley lie

“Oh brother. Man, he’s a rock star all right. Ok guys take it from the top-'' I” I could hear Trent say faintlyfainatly to the rest of the band. 

I just pushed through the many bands standing aroundarround in the waiting room who had already performedpreformed, making my way to the wings, right across from Rubins privateprivite dressingdresing room, to spy on him…but no, not really for him. Something, a force beyond my current comprehensioncompehriention pulled me forward. Right to the area where the bands who had nothaddnet performedprefomed yet and the ones who had, beyond the dressing room right in the wings of the stage, where the bands who've performedwho’d prefomed drunkley stumbled after following their tail of outstandingoutsanding ovation. I saw earlierearler when offering our set to Billy, the area where all thetehr realeal rockers hang out. I made a beeline for it and all the men there seemingly in the mits of a passionate debate about the nature of mankind, and rock n roll, without hesitationhestitaiuong one rocker offered me a beer, as I sat down next to him. Relaxing this backstage area was right next to Rubins private dressing room, we in fact shared a bright red wall and could hear everything. I was tempted to put my ear to the wall, but I had to stay focused. All those racist bikers, dad rockers and wild brainless death metal bands were not the real rockers, these guys right here, I recognized a few of them from MTv, and rolling stones backpages, they were the real deal. They were the kind of rockers I aspired to be. I’d been meaning to bond with them all night, yet…the night got away from me, as it often does. The man who offered me a beer, had long shaggy hair that grazed the floor as he was kneeling on it, he had a big bushy frank zappa mustache and a fleted, himalayan sherpa’s vest with an insane amountabount of beads and embroiderydesigns etched into the pockets. He bored an impressive ring collection, and a fully pound of different beads,and shark tooth necklacesneckalgaes hung from his skinny neck. he sat with three other Creedence clearwater looking men, gruff and hairy, like a bunch of mal adapted hobbits. Suddenly it hit me, The Earthworms! That’s the name of their band! They’d been a tenthfold in the new jersey folk rock scene since the early 60’s! I read once they played with The Yardbirds, Harvest moon, and Tyrannosaurus rex one summer and for one gig only got paid in guitargetair picks! The guy who just offered me a beer, holy shit…I cant believebelive im sittingstting right next to Loroiali Mulch! L.M the prince of the electric harp! i'm inim in the presence of royalty! Play it cool Lester, play it cool.

“Heeeeeeeeeeey, man, maybe you can settle a little bitbet, for us” MulchMultch turned to me and said, joyfully, as I nervously finished my swig. damndanm that sam adams was warm.

“Shoot”

“So Ernie here says that the band who he claimsclaimbs played the Kit Kat Club in 83, butt naked! Nothing but socks on cocks, Right? But…I said, thats horseshit, he’s always going on long trips, and never coming back, if you know what I mean?”

“Yeah man…” Holy shit, this was not happeninghappning.

“yeah so if there was a band like man, surely I would have heard of it man, I would have introduced him to that shit!”

“Their real man! I saw them, and their cocks man,with my own three-er, iI mean two eyes man! I'm tellingIm telling you! I just can'tcant rememberremmeber their name!”

“Me and River bet 40$ that Ernie pulled this whole band out of his ass.”

“Yeah, well Pay up, then. Cuz the band is real alright, they'retheir called the red hot chili peppers, and they'retheir the single greatest band of all time.”

“The chili peppers!!! That'sThats what they were called, right on man!” Ernie gaveErnie, gave me a big fat high five, as River looked bitter as he shoved two crumpled up twenties into Ernie'sErnies dirt caked palm. Mulch did the same, but he just looked at me and smiled, with wide and watery eyes like he’d just been genuinely surprisedsuprised, as he knockedkocked back anotheranotehr beer. I suddenly feltfelt suddenly a rush of adrenalineadderinline, seeing how obviously blown away he was with my perfectly timed expertiseexpeitsie, even if it cost him the bet. See, I knew being obsessedobvssesed with the chillieschlilies would pay off!

“Wow, Right on man. So are you going on next?” 

“No, were after the next guys I think…” I said hearing the final bombastic note of the prefacepreomfance blaring on in the backgroundbackround, some Springsten clone, and his cowboy backup ran off the stage past us.

I could tell the crowd was getting tired, from their appealsappealuse getting QuieterQyiter, and decreasing in intensityinetesity each performanceprefomcece. Hope they save some forfro us. Mulch just looked at me and laughed, like an old wise hippie uncle who knew everything.

“Right on man. RealRreal bold going last man, you have got a lot to live up to.”

“oh yeah, well we would'vewouldve gone sooner, but we were screwed by the bullshit last minutemunite set changes, I mean my poor band was forced to learn a whole new song totally on the fly, in fact they'retheir all practicing it backstage right now. Pretty ridiculous right?”

“Ridiculous indeed, man. Though rock n roll is ridiculous man! You stay in this business long enough, nothing supriises you.”

“I cant wait till nothing surprises me, I’m gonna be just like you someday man, no…bigger.” I said, in a rare mommet of honesty. As my dsire to escape myself, and become the kind of success that Rubin, my family and evryone in my life have done nothing but convince me im incapaible of.

The more they talked the more ideas in my head started to spin, everything kevin said about lies,that if you lie enbough and well enough, for long enough the lie is all anyone remmberes, therefor becoems the truth. And what rubin said, ill never be anything as I am, the only way to ascend is to lie my way into being someone else, creative a legand arround me, a rock n roll persona, a charhcter then blurr the lines and they can be great, as I slowly turn into them, and leave any trace of my ogrical self behind. It all started to take shape in my mind, as I drank beer with legends to the sound of the next band playing a cover of “The chain” by fleatwood mac very loud in the background, setting the scene, flawlessly as if god ordained me to seize this opunity, and take controll of the nartive. Mack Lasher, is real…and his time, ahs come.

“You should know, I dont wanna sound all lame, and geeky here but, Ima  huge fan of you guys. I started listsing to the Earthwroms back in middle school, I got your first record, Tired Eyes and Misty mountains and listsined to it nonstop that winter, you guys are real pointnners of folk ro-”

“Hey man, dont be ashamed. to be a fan is a buetatfuk thing man.” Said raine offering me a puff of his…very strong smelling pot, witch I took of course.

“Yeah, I could hear your guy’s performance from the stairwell that's how transndnendt your grooves are man, and you can't hear shit from the stairwell…not even the Metal!” I think I may have over geeked my welcome. 

“What's the name of your band, man?”

“Bad Decisions.”

“ And what’s your name, man?”

“Mack Lasher”

“...No, not your stage name, what’s your real name?”

“My what?”

“Your real name man? The name your mama gave you! Come on, were off the clock, man. When were not on that stage man, Rain, Ernie, turn back into Joe, and Niel, and I go back to regular old Rudy Hash. Rock n roll is  a lifestyle, but it’s just one style man, it aint your whole life. The trick is to keep em separate, like eggs and flower. So what is it?” 

“...Mickey Fingers.” I said, I knew my rejected stage name would come in handy sometime. I dont know why, but I codulnt allow myself to reveal my real name…in fact, I never wanted to hear the name Lester Flatt, ever again. 

“Mickey Fingers, ohhh with a name like that, you didn't even need a stage name man! Ha, now, Ive heard alot of wild things people done called themselves but, mother mary, you never forget a name like that.”

“Well…now you never will.”

“Right on man! So how long you been doing this for?” Said Ernie, scooting closer to me blowing his weed smoke bomb in my face.

“Pfft, for as long as the earth’s been spinning, man I donno. A couple years ago, tha last record we cut-” The only record we cut

“If you were local you might have heard it was making it’s rounds on the radio, and they were selling it at camelot and some of the record stores in Trenton, and Ewing.”

“Oh, we were arround here last summer man, you know, playing some good, solid gigs arround Atlantic City after we fell on hard times. What was your record called again?”

“Full Spread? I said…nervously. Squinting, almost letting down my veil of  condinice. bracing myself for them to hate it and think its amaturish gagragr band trahs, or worse, having never heard of it.

“No shit man! Full Spread one of the best albums of the summer of 85’! We love that shit, man. Remmber werent we just asking Marty in the hotel, whatever happening to that band who sang “Jearsy Girls” on the radio, the summer I got that flight atteneent pregnt in Iceland. Ohhh, man! What a summer!”

“...r-r-really?” I asked, wiping some of the shock-sweat off my forehead, and hyperventilating rapidly. 

“Yeah man! You guys have a great sound, it’s so crisp, raw, and gritty man. You guys write about such a wilde range of shit, it’s clear you’ve lived quitge the life, man. And your voice…wow, like I could tell you were influenced by Lou, and I could hear a little bit of Iggy in there-”

“How do you know what he was influenced by man?” River interjected

“becuae, I know my shit man, thats why”

“Right becuyae you know everything about other peoples music, this is ecstasy why patti smith dumped you in Pitsburg man, because you think you know it all, when you dont know shit man!’

“hey…I’m right here, man?” I said, 

“Oh yeah, sorry Mickey. Hey, but we were all wondering where you guys went? When are you guys cutting your next record?” Multch asked. 

Holy Fallafall balls, they know me? They know who we are, the great Earthworms, know who were are!? And are…fans????!! Holy shit. Holy shit, plot twist!? Ok for the love of god, letster play it cool.

“Yeah well…ya see…were just waiting to make our big comeback, after we win the battle of the bands tonight. Byt never fear, we have big plans to record our softmore album this summer man, in Las anaglas.”

“Wow man, right on. Everyone seems to end up in L.A, these days. we call it the rock n roll mecca, for reason. So, tell us, who’s your manger.” Oh fuck. uhhh, quick think of a good lie, beloivivle but also makes me look cool, and impressive.

“Frosty.” Fuck! thats a the worst thing I couldve possibly said!

“Isnt he…one of the Judges? …woah, man, not cool. Pfft, talk about a conflict of interest. How did the Summit get so corrupt? Letting mangers be judges, letting that pack of racist rednecks take the crown year after year, its discrasufull man. It wasnt always like this, I remember a time when people still had respect for rock n roll, man. It’s just such a shame man, We werent always playing battle of the bands you know, we used to tour the world man, we had restdtincies in london, and vagas man!-hell, we almost played woodstock for god sakes!” River lamented.

“Wow how the mighty have fallen.” quipped Billy, still standing behind the curtain.  Raine and Ernie through empty beer baottles at him and flipped him off, sticking out their tongues and barking like a dog at him. Mulch looked defeated, suddenly scooting away from me and looking bummed out, and dislunsioned. I coudlnt let them down, so just like that, I said the frist thing that popped into my head.

“No…wait! Did I say Frosty!? Sorry, I was thinking of my…stylist. He used to work at this quaint little buetouie up in the village, Trash and Vaudvile, you probably havent heard of called it. Yeah he’s the one who designed this Leather monkey suit you see before you, all threads, costume made just for the band.”

Suddenly Mulches eyes widened, and all Three earth worms squirmed towards me, eagerly. I’d gotten their attention, finally. 

“Who is your manger then?”

“John Ried.”

“No…”

“Oh Yeah, I mean he wanted us to do this little local gig, just to spin some wheels until he sort our situation with EMI. But, its all good, were used to it.I mean, its not like this is the first time he sent back east to reconnect with our local roots while he’s off….Tending to Elton, and Freddy.”

“Holy shit…” Multch said as his face mrphed into an astounded smile, and the rest of the band just started laughing in shock, and amazmnet. Thus, the lying started. As I started running my mouth, about all the trail blazing , groundbbreakingly iconic things Mack Lasher his Bad Decisons had already done for rock n roll.  Such an establshibed band as they were, naturally felt left out not having heard of us, and our long history of exploits. I was on a roll, I knew so many of these lies were insane, stupid, proovly false, and just plain unfathoble. And yet they lapped it all up, every word. 

“Yeah, I have 7 platinum records, but my ex is holding them hostage in her Malibu Vilva! Jokes on her, I  got the kids”

“I made a sex tape with Boy Gorge”

“Yeah, I had cancer but beat it becuase of the power of rock n roll. 

“Yes the rumors and tabloids are true, I can play every instrutemnt. Except the triangle”

“I can speak fluent German and French, and sign language, witch came in handy back when I ran that def herfuim in purge, summer of 79’”

“I Prefromed a rock conert on mount everest.

“Bad disions were on the cover of playboy, totally nude…yeah, little birdy told me they found a copy in Pat Bentatr’s dressing room!”

“I am a multi-millnore, used to be a billionaire but you know it is…charity is just, so important”

“Im an ex priest. and practicing Shaman ”

“I run the worlds biggest  Adiction recovery clinic for rock stars and professional gamblers” 

“I had backstage affair with Kirk Cobain, witch ended in heartbreak and several missing children, it’s a long story…”

“I am in the rock n roll hall of fame, though It was a massiv let down science we were was inducted by Meatloaf, when we were promised Little richard.”

“I had a breif solo carrer as a R@B singer, a shake dancer, and the face of modern disco” 

“Mick Jagger, David Bowie, Iggy pop, Mark Bolan and Lou Reed all wrote songs about me. Me and Mark even recorded the soundtrack to a b-movie back in the day, but as these things go, you know, the production was hell, so the film was scrapped and soundtrack was never released.”

“Woah Wait, you know Mark?…that is wild. Man, What I would give to work with him just one more time. Athough we only played with him back when it was just him and Mickey finn, before he really broke out. I wish we’d met sooner man, we could have made some great music together.”

“yeah man, maybe in another life.” We could hear the latest band finish their set, Suddenly Billy burst through the curtin, right one que to interrupt the scared bonding between rock stars.

“Danmmmm…hey Billy, did you know Mark Bolan wrote a song about this guy!” Ernie bellowed.

“Yeah ok, Ernie whatever you say.” Mutch turned to me.

“How old did you say you were again?”

“...”

“Lester, get up! Your on.” Oh thank god Billy, saved by the bell. I got up, slightly wobbly and drunk…more drunk and high now then I planned to be, but it’s all hunky dory. I ran backstage with Billy, without anwanering the question doging the bullet by the tail of my pants. 

But little did I know, adding some mystery to my persona, actually apid off in teh long run, not just artfully crafted lies but with the stragrtic abanse of truth. As for the rest of teh night, The Earthworms would spread the word, about me,Bad Decions and the legsnads arround us to the rest the bands. Before the night end, all the competition, every audience member, all of management, and the state of New Jeasery, knew the myth of mack Lasher, and were totally, and completely obsessed. Despite how the rest of the night would go, little did I know…how fast lies can spread, they told everyone there that night about me, before I’d even gotten on stage, my lies spread and the legend has already overshadowed me. I could never have anaipocated just how fast the lie of who you want to be can totally eclipse the truth who you are. Witch is what I wanted but, I wanted them to believe I was as rock n roll as them, even half as much. But, as you’ll soon see, this is one of those times I should have been careful for what I wished for. One of many times to come.

Suddenly I glanced up at the clock, it had been over ten minutes. Fuck, we were on. This was it, it was time.

I Scrambled up to my feet, and ran back into the dressing room frantically to catch up with my band, but it was too late, they had already made their way backstage. Ok, this was it. I spun around and saw them standing right behind the cutrin, waiting in the wings with nervous billy and his clip board. I caught up with them,just in time for the aouncer to take the stage. Some chic, who wasn't even the same host from earlier, came out on stage dressed in full White trash, American flag bikini, trailer park royalty regalia. She was a platinum blonde, marching onto the stage, as if she owned it, sporting a Dolly Parton beehive, with a fraying old cowboy hat resetting atop her massive haystack beauty queen dew. 

“Howy yall! Did ya miss me?” She announced in her perky Texas accent, doing a little bow and cursty to the incredibly rowdy crowd. She leaned forward just enough to let the front row get perfect view up her shirt and skirt, so they started hord dogging and worshiping her all over again, trying to climb on stage.

“Now, I know you lot is gettingreal restless. But let’s keep that same energy up for our next act. A local band-” Ahhh she was blowing my cover, I notioned for her to shut up and get on with it, seeing the almost suspicious looks of the earth worms, who’d I’d primed to expect us to give a prefomrce of a rock n roll legend. They clapped and winked at me, expecting to be blown away, as they should be, seemed like their socks haddent been properly rocked since 69’ at least. I coudlnt have this cowgirl ancoucing us as a “local band” when I’d just finished telling the Earthworms, we had played with Mark Bolan and had 7 platinum records for gods sake.

“Introdoocing-” She looked down at a shinny gold clipboard she was holding just below her midriff.

“-Mack Lasher and the Bad Decisons!’ 

The crowd went wild, with just as much energy as they had at the start of the show…mosty for her tits it seemed but I’d like to think at least half of those cheers and cat calls were meant for us. Somhow they just kept screaming, whistling, and shouting obsendies laced with so much spit and drunken slurring it didnt even sound like english. It was no doubt the steady stream of drugs, the noise, the girls and the full moon that had turned the crowd into a ravid mob. A mindless hive that didint know what they wanted, except for us to eteiern them, or all hell would break loose. We'd never played for a crowd so rabid, with such…high expectations. All the repressed 

“Mack Lasher….AND the Bad Desiosns…heh, looks like We’ve been demoted to back up, boys?” Trent sneered, tuning his bass.

“Yeah, Mickey Fingers, I thought we agreed to put Mack out to pasture-”

“There's no time for that now!’

My heart began to race, before my heart could skip a beat. Kevin grabbed me by the shoulder. 

“Ok. This is it, are you ready to—Blow all their brains, out harder then Jhon wilx booth. Are you prepared to break all the hearts, and backs…and laws…and win this thing!!” 

“Whatever man, let’s just get this over with” Trent said

“Ok, seriously, guys this is it ” Kevin said, huddling us all close, priming us for another, final pep-talk send off, but instead just delivering this simple refrain:

“Were got this. Even if we dont…being a part of this band, has been the best experience of my life, so no matter what happens, In my heart, we already won.” Wow, Kevin…how…touching. Ugh! BUt also…talk about giving us blue balls!? Why leave us hanging with that gushy shit again, of all the times to for a pep talk, you’d think THIS would be the one!?

“IM SORRY IM JUST…SO PROUD OF YOU GUYS!” Kevin guhsed, bursting with tears streaming down his rosy cheeks as he threw his arms arround us. to everyone’srousounding groans, eye rolls and inssincere back patts. 

“Ugh! man, Dont cry, it wil fuck up your makup” Trent said, harshly wiping a single tear off Kevins, blushing, overly emonatlly gushy face. Trying to svlage his remaining eyeliner. Jesus, Kevin your such a cheeseball. Too ssincire for rock n roll, to modest for Harvard, maybe you just belong on sesceme street.  Jesus Christ, I cant believe im even related to this guy sometimes, I mean he’s so emontainal you’d think he was the gay one. 

“Come on guys! Focous! Tonight, We came here to do one thing, and one thing only. Rock these judges back to the stone age!! We’ve been pracapring for this moment all our lives, its destiny! Now, who’s ready to bring the fucking house down!” Evryone cheered at that, even Trent. But their cheering was cut off by Billy.

“Hey ladies, quit standing arrond and making out will ya, didnt you hear, you're On!?” He yelled at us from behind the curtin where he’d rpesumbly been waiting all night to say that.

“Ok! 1-2-3-Rock the House” We whispered in unison. Lifting up our hands from the center like boyscouts before a little league game. But Before we had a chase to make anymore last minute quips or famous last words, we were being ushered onto the stage by Billy and the other Techies moving our instruments and equipment on stage. 

So…like Lance Armstrong and Buzz Lightyear taking those fateful first steps onto the moon for the first time. We began our slowmotion, epic journey onto the mainstage.

We walked together into the warm, maternal glow of the spotlight like we were emegring from the womb for the first time, or entering the golden gates of heaven. We assumed positions, behind all our intrustmnts, I stepped up to the edge of the stage, right behind the greasy, microphone stand. The microphone let out ear busting feedback as I grit my teeth.

“Testing, testing” I muttered, tapping it, once or twice.

The stage was caked with spit, blood, sweat, tears, cum, hairclumps, beads, rice, glitter and toilet paper among other indudifible things from all the prior shows that we had to live up to. Lenny and Beans saw the twins, June and Jannet wave to them in the front row, so like the amatures they are, they waved back, bugg eyed and giddy. I could see Kevin spot Roxy in the front row, wearing a fusiia crop top, and really loose Brown trench coat. She was standing in the front row kind of off to the side, swaying from side to side, blushing. She gave kevin two thumps up, I saw him blush so hard as he threw on his guitar, and winked as he tossed the strap over his shoulder.

Before we’d even started playing, the second we walked on stage we were given our fair share of expected booing, gawks and grossed out shocked looks from the crowd due to our controversial appearance. Which we’d been preforming in for so long now, we all seemed to forget we were even clad in leather. I spotted the judges, sitting on imposing swivel chairs behind a board room table with sheets of paper, ash treys and half filled bottles of Vodka littered throught.

Uncle Frosty, Smiled up at us, especially lenny. He leaned back in his judging throne, simply nooding his head slowly with hip “cool uncle” approval when the shine of leather caught his eye. Even bulging his eyes and licking his lips the more we swayed back and forth on the stage. heh…I knew that guy was fruity. When I cleared by throught, echoing throught the room like a Viking warhorn, finally comandaing evryones attention. Now the crowd mostly dialed down, still snickering probably homophobic, new jersey-isms under their corn dog breath but still being alot less judgemental and hateful as we had feared. No tomatoes were thrown, no hate mobs booing us off the stage…yet (not to jinx it.) Everything was perfect now, all we had to do…way play.

Man, it had been such a long night, and our silence was deafening as a few seconds of getting on stage felt like a lifetime. They were all just waiting for one thing now…we coucldnt keep them waiting anymore. Come on, Mack Lasher wouldnt be parlized by stagefigrht, he wouldnt linger in fear and doubt on stage like this, he’d grab the moment and shred the faces of the first ten rows, as they bleed and beg for more.

His voice would sexually awaken half the girls and boys in the audience, his lyrics would inspire and implant core memoires in the lives off all who hear him, who fall in love with him and lust for that time when they were young and bold, when they heard mack lasher on the radio for the first time.

Thats what he would do…That’s what I would do…expect…

No matter how hard I wish, it’s just not me, I’m not Mack Lasher, I can't believe this is what it took to relize that.

Just breathe dude, Breathe, like Kevin always says: I closed my eyes, and went to that galactic endless stadium in the sky where i'm being worhsiped like a god, rocking out and doing a stagedive into into the vast sea of bodies. I tried to go back there now, the place I go everytime I play guitar…but instead I opened my eyes again, forced to face reality.

The crowd was growing impatient and restless. 

 This was it, I took one last deep breath, tuning my black spikey black Eletric gutair…with expert care and persicion. Suddenly my confidence had returned with a vengnge! At last the bravado and motivation I’d been fighting all night, all week, all year, all my life-to maintain, was here and here, flowing back through me like the force, just at the nick of time. Pfft, and they say god is dead. There was nothing left to surprise me, to shoot me down with self doubt. Nothing left to get in my way tonight. I rose my pick, my goblet of rock like an ax to the neck of a french king, high above my head ready to start the riff of heartbreak Blues, and finally achieve my destiny.

That was Untill Rubin cought my eye, standing just beyond the crowd. With his arms crossed, he stood with his legs apart clad in the bright crimson skin suit she’d showd off to me, his noodle hair flopped over one eye as he bit his perfect lip to tease me. His crippling green eyes toar right through me, and suddenly the whole crowd fell away, all I could see was him, and those eyes…remdining me to fail. My knees noticeably wobbled and In an instant he brought me right back to the powerless, gutless slump I’d felt when he held me down in the stairwell, on his floor, in the boys bathroom...when he had complete control over me. His words suddenly brooriuged back into my mind, like worms to the rotten core, I did all this to prove him wrong, but it’s like he thinks everything was predetermined to have me fail from the start, and any adept to prove him wrong was as pointless as a man waging war against gravity. Suddenly I felt dizzy, my skin flushed pale and I started to loose my ballance and my mind In this endless moment. I wanted to break free, and play and play so hard his sorry ass would have to swallow my words, he wouldnt have a choice, he wouldnt have any more leverage or supper hands, he would have to admit I won and he lost, and im so much more then the lowlife, amature, second rate-fuck, that was only ever good for being used for my brother’s Harvard admission. I would have killed to do somthing right now, our eyes stayed locked across the vast Summit, the crowd fell away, all Kevins peptalks, and my hopes and dreams, the leather and the legends, along with the lyrics…all fell away. I gulped as he smliled and snickered, nodding his head slowly as if to say “Go on, get on with it, prove me right.” he was so smug, just like he’d been all night, but he could disarm me with his eyes…for the last time. 

No Rubin, you fucking hunky-sellout, you curly heared sucucbai!? I'm done being your slave, you can't convince me to run, or get in my head and remind me of all my wost fears until they come true!  Prepare to choke on your words, through the awesome, legendary, mthycial power of rock n roll. Prepare to lose this battle, and…just like life, you don’t win by stepping on people and cheating your way to the top. I hope being blackmailed will give you tons of inspiration for your next sell-out record, if by some miracle your airhead agent doesnt dump first! I stepped forward and grabbed the mic in front of me. Catching Kevin giving me that, comforting wink I’d been waiting for, thats our signal, thats our sacred go ahead. I winked back, and turned arround to face the massive volatile, impatient crowd. I held the mic up to my greasy, blood chapped lips as the injuries Rubin had so kindly imparted on me had barely healed and were only highlighted in the blinding spotlight. I looked right at Rubin, trembling with fear and insecurity, another ball of doubt and regret forming in my throat…so I just swallowed it.

“Hey! This song is for the heartbreakers! How many heartbreakers did we got in the crowd tonight?” Everyone cheered, including the judges.

“Hey Rubin-” Everyone gasped, started to whisper and gawk all the judges turned to look at him in the backrow. Even the spotlight shown on him for a brief second, as he looked visibly furious, biting his lip in repressed rage. Forcing out a fake smile, to try and maintain his cool rocker demeanor at all costs.

“This one’s for you!” Kevin and Trent looked at me visibly embarrassed that I’d just called him out so publicly like that, but regradless…we finally started playing. Kevin started playing the riff for Heartbreak Blues, which…he had clearly fine tunned to perfection in the last ten minutes. Dispite how badass I may have implied the song sounds earlier, the main riff sounds alot less like Venus and Furrs and alot more like Running on Luck again by Valitine. Lenny came in with that light, spirtley keyboard backing, Trent came through with that mainbase line that shocked us like lightning, and Kevin carried us through with that main guitar riff, I grabbed the mic, and spit on the ground before starting to sing. And when I sang…I just let it all out.

 

You, you broke my heart

and you, you gave it away!

One, of these days you’ll come crawling 

you’ll come crawling back to me

on your hands and knees, tonight! babyyy

your love was like a—-a titlewave

No..fuck thats not the Lyric? That’s from Pat Bentatr’s Heartbreaker!? My skill for turning everything in life into a song lyric is…backfiriring. Oh shit, now People were staring, laughing and heckling us!? I was starting to sweat…Oh gag, me with a spoon! This cant be happening man! 

But, we cant give up now, the show must go on. Stop get it together man, dont stop long enough for them to relize you messed up! Alright!?????!!!!? Just…keep singing.

You swept me off my feet

a love nobody could see

but then you had to burn me!

like all the others-all the—all the other guys -

Those aren’t the words either! Come on man, you know the words, you’ve done this song a million times…a few months ago…danm Trent was right, maybe my memory isnt as good as I thought. I looked out at Rubin, who was still laughing at us and pointing like a middle school Bully in the sandbox, mocking us after kicking sand in our eyes. As he jeered, soon enough the whole crowd followed.

Suffice to say, now this was officially a disaster. 

Kevin, and the rest of the band kept messing the cords because I kept throwing them off, and vice versa. This was the first time we’d been truly out of sync in years and it…was our big debut, this was officially a big fat, disaster, man.  Just…go onto the Chorus, you can still save it. I grabbed the microphone, and gripped its shaft for dear life. I looked right at Rubin, making it so obvious this song was about him, I just kept glaring at him until everyone noticed what I was doing. The chorus, the chorus…oh god…my mind went blank.

I dont know what happened,

 I just can't find the clues?

I think your making m-giving me—

a heartbreak Bluuuues.

I winced at my own voice crack, I fucked up that last note so bad. Shit, I botched a note this bad, and the crowd was taking notice, at how much of a flaming dumpster fire our set had become.

“Booooooo, get off the Stage!!” Heckled a drunk Biker dude tossing a full pumpkin at us on stage, barley missing kevin’s head as it smashed open to reveal it’s rotting, fly buzzing pumpkin-guts, spattering all over the stage. Suddenly, everyone in the crowd started throwing all four basic food groups on stage, like the groundlings at a particularly bad performance of Mcebth. Lenny and Beans doged beer bottles, and even miniature firecrackers being chucked at us from all angels, with just the wildest aim. Dude, these guys may have been drunk, but danm could they shoot. June and jannet looked embarssed, and even joined the sea of booing directed right at Lenny and Beans, I looked over and they looked just as emashculted and torn down as I was, seeing their own girlfriends boo them…serves them right for being such sexist feinds, but I coudlnt help but still feel bad for them. I guess they had to learn sooner or later girls only wanna sleep with rockers who are actually loved, who knew. Roxy just faceplamed looking just as defeated and solem as Kevin did, standing his ground center stage, trying to look cool, and maintain the last bit of dignity he had. I glanced over at Trent who was fed up at this point and picked up his Bass, and began smashing it on the front of the stage over all the gross puddles made by chucked fuit, smashing his bass to bits to the denranged sounds, a incomprehensible din of Booes and cheers and blood curtiling primal screams. Trent smashing his bass to fucking bits, would have been an epic showstopper if our show haddent been as wrecked as the bass itself. Trent then proceeding seemingly in a blind range, to chuck our amp as a pearuclar unhinged group of audience members in the front row, who had been screaming raical and homopbic slurs at him all night, spitting at us and throwing their entire empty bud light, 5pack on stage blowing a huge hole into Beans drum set. So Trent with his eyes blood red, chucked our entire AMp at those hick-mother fuckers in the pit, seemigly crushing a few of them raw. 

“Trent NO!” Kevin yelled after it was too late in vain. and a full on fight at broken out stage left between Trent and the entire mosh pit. Trent wizzed arrond his long black hair, as Lenny and Beans tripped on his Keyboard cord, and fell on top of eachother tanking down their drums and key board with them. Trent just galred right at me, pointing his long, painted black finger right between my eyes as I shuttered. 

“This is all your fault, man!” Trent spewed at me, every seyball stung like a kife to teh groin. He pushed me out of his way, as he stage dove into the crowd, throwing himself into a wild fist fight that spread like Crabs to everyone in the entire crowd, beating and punching eachotehr like a saloon barfight, Trent then found his way to that one giant rcist mountain of a Lead singer of “the lost cause” the one he socked earluier, who for some reason wasnt backstage healing from his makeshift stiches anymore. Trent stole the guys guitar and started beating the stars and stripes clean out of him, carrowiling a crowd of cheering, jeering crowdmembers to bet on and get front seat views to the brawl of teh century. 

Before anything could get any crazier, aALL the judges inclduing Uncle Frosty looked away in shame and disappointment, one of the head judges finally had enough, as he stood up and atmpted to shout over the cacocophny of booing.

“Alright, ALRIGHT!” The judge screamed, trying to taim the unhinged crowd, and break up Trent with STonewall Jackson over here. The judge, flipped his pretty brown 70’s mop inpateilenty as he was forced to put out his cigggare and demand Billy bring him a megaphone and unplug our instruments to prevent an eletrical fire, and any fether damanges that could result from our set conctuing. He looked at us with that corporate, professional destain mouthing “Your done.” at us and notioing unmistabkey for us to get off the fuck off the stage as soon as possible, and save ourselves from the mob. I opened my mouth, but before I could retort Billy and a few other teches grabbed us by the ears, pulling our asses off the stage, so fast my mirchone fell to the crowd with a deafening feedback THUD! I struggled, a bit as Lenny started thgrowing punches, not yet ready to throw in the towel, dorwnwed out by a sea of boos and slurs. The whole time, Kevin didnt even look at me, he just glanced back at Roxy she couldnt even look him in the eye, as she slipped out the backdoor. Kevin looked despondent, and more hopless then I’d ever seen him. He hoped with all his heart, she just went to meet us backstage to console him, but I think part of him knew…that she’d gone home...and was never coming back. Billy tosed us in the same backstage hallway where I was just chatting up the Earthworms, but now they were long gone. Billy heaved, out of breath crossing hims and galring at the lost of us as a pair of Buff security guards chucked Trent a half bloody, half conscious post brawl Trent into Kevins arms. 

“Thats enough man! Your Lucky we didnt call the cops.” Billy smeared at Trent, who flipped him off and stuck his tongue out like a stumluatd chinese dragon. Billy just rolled his eyes and ran back onstage with his Buff suscirty entange to finish wiping the bloody noses of the entire front row, claming down the increaisingly unruly crowd, doing his best to clean up the mess we made, all before ancouncing the final set of the night. 

Well, that was a shit show.

Just like that, we all claposed, landing just where we always seem to after trying to cange the corse of human history, right on our asses. We slid against the brick wall, tearing their leather on the certain pulleys and nails sticking out of the dressing room doors.

I looked over at Kevin, who seemed almost absant, his eyes were blank, and he stared off into space, throwing his leather hat and his guitar down in front of him, carelessly tossing off more and more of his Leather garb, and throwing it at the wall. Kevin stripped off his leather garb peice by peice until he was almost naked, as if to shed off the band all together. We all watched in shock, pain and silent resignation as he argessivly smudged off all his makeup, on his elbowss, before burying his face in them, crying his makeup off. I tried to confort him by instinct, atmpeting to patt Kevin’s swaty naked back, beofre he pulled away.

My Heart sank, I had never been so bummed, in my entire life…and thats saying alot. I sat there next to him, waiting for a pep talk to come pouring out of his mouth, for him to dry his eyes and raise our spsirts as he always does, but instead…just tears and silice. I wanted to be strong, like he always wants me to be, and get everyone to carpe diem, and soldior on to fight another day, demolishing even the most badass dudes with passion and bullseye-like perfection.

But, im not my brother man, I hate to say it, but I think we might have rocked ourselves into a cornner, I dont know how were gonna get out of this one. Man, I cant believe it, We really lost. So as the rest of the chatter, booing and bellowing, guitar tuning and all the other of the the Battle of the bnads final swan song faded into the background, I realized, this was not over yet. I was the first to break the silence. 

“Hey guys…I know what your probably thinking right now, that we didnt rock nearly as hard as…we totally could have-But, come on, we werent that bad-”

“Man what the hell are you talking about? Are we still in the same solar system, right now? Dude we blew bits! That was the a fucking trainwreck, instdie a ship wreck, next to a shitty pregnant chick, underneath an earthqouake, making sweet love with the end of the world, man!’ Lenny proclaimed, taking a prolonged sip from one of the many beer bottles the Earthworms left behind.

“Oh come on, Lenny…don't be so dramatic, we weren't that bad.”

“HA! Space cadet, That is what we in the industry call, atomic bombing! Quit lying-” Trent said, laughing kocking his head back.

“Lying? Who’s Lying?” I sputtered, susipciously 

“Ha, you man, right now! Like who are you kidding man, Quit lying to yourself, why are you trying to sugar coat it, we were all there, we sucked ass! But heh…I’m not spirsied, I knew this happen man.”

“Trent, what the hell do you mean, “you knew” this would happen?”

“Oh who are you kidding Lester, I played so manyof these I know how rigged they are, I knew from the start you guys would be the type to take the whole thing way too seriously. But, be real, man, bad decisions was never Big time material, local church gigs and musical fesvials…sure,but winning battle of the bands, in our first year competing…now thats just delusional man, somewhere along the way you forgot to pull your head out of your ass, you forgot that the bullshit of winning tonight started and ended with you, and thats why your blowing lids right now.” I bit my lip. 

“But thats bullshit man, you were with us, winning tonight was supposed to be the start of our epic, time stopping, long fruitful rock careers man! And we curated a sound and image that the mainstreamis hungry for, so we could break in…we still can! Hell guys, before our set, right here, you wont believe who I was talking to, -the mother fucking Earthworms, man!”

“nooooo way”

“Yeah way, man..TRENT…and you know what they said, they heard our record man, Full spread all over the radio a few summers back and guess what, they loved it! The legandary earthworms, the granduncles of folk, loved our shit man, and they were dying to know more about the band…mosty me…their words not mine-”

“Woah! Wait, what did you tell em man…” Fuck, I cant disclose what I told them, prey to god they dont already know I lied to them about our band, and basically everything else. 

“Oh…I told them the truth, about how awesome we are, and how were destined to rock…up with them, Bowie, Bolan, and Patti, in the big lineages where we belong!’

“L-l-lester, y-y-our f–full of C-crap!’ Beans pouted

“Yeah, what are we dumb?”

“is that restorcal question?”

“Shut up man, you are so full of it man, no way you talked to the fricking earthworms man, those guys are legends, I dont even think they were here tonight man that shit would have been headlinning, and if they were…no way they would ever talk to the likes of you, let alone…tell you how much they loved our music? You really think after tonight, we would ever belive that?”

“Lenny its the truth! Why is it so hard for you to believe distinsuhed rockers like our stuff, if you dont even believe in our band, then how could you expect the public to!?”

“Uhghhhhh I donno Lessie, maybe it’s because we just played the worst rock n roll set in the history of history!?”

“But!!--Its just one bad show, it doesnt mean anything?”

“Hey threw pumpkins at us dude, I think everyone knows what that means…”

“Aghhhhhhhh! NO!!”

“Hey man, dont blow your gasket over this lessie, look at this way we sucked, but we just sucjed so spectacularly that it will be burned into evryones mind weather they like it or not. being memorable even for being awful is still better then being boring, at least then pepole will remember us, thats one way to get famous.”

“It’s the worst way! Thats imfoprmy not fame, Theres a million different we could suck but…if were not doing it for the music, then…what are we even doing here?”

“I donno man…you tell me.”

I know Trent was almost arrested tonghit and was still on some kind of emotinal kamazasi rage tour, but now, he was starting to reall piss me off. We were so close to winning, now that we lost, everything is ruined, our lives, our careers, the band, everything…and now he’s taking it all out on…me? When I am the one who started this whole band in the fist place? He was just plain drunk and high off his ass too, evrthing he said was no doubt cruel, vindictive dribbel, I know better then to take any  of it to heart, emoticons we to raw and fresh theres no telling how fast he will ignite us to tear eacdhother inside out. And to think I once declared him mature. I cannot believe I used to crush on the man, Jesus, my taste in men seriously needs a redux. 

“Trent this is not over man, Im telling you. This is just a minor ste backs, loads to bands have rocky first prefomnces or take a few years to really break in, were all so young afterall…but I cant believe your really trying to tell me your physic all of a sudden, and somwhow predicted we were gonna loose from the start. I mean what gives man, betrayal doesnt even begging to disicirbe-” Lenny intruptupted us, to give his “much needed” opinion on my suddenly overboard opistim, as if wasnt the backbone of the whole opreation.

“DUDE! Im sorry, ok I think Trent here was was just trying to be realistic, is that such a crime?! Dont be so hard on yourself man, its all good, sure im bummed we lost but it worked out the way it worked out, god has a plan for all of us man-”

“Yeah. thank you Lenny, that was very helpful”

“So….what Im not allowed to be bummed now? Thats it, all our hard work down the crapshoot, and for what? I dont wanna hear about how half of you “never believed in the band from the start” and are just TOTAlLY HUNKY DORY with us being the biggest losers of all frickin human history man!?”

“Look Lester, This is a rock band, not a fucking disney movie, ok, since when did we have to deciate all our times to “beliving in ourselves” and upholding dreams, your dreams, most of the time. I told you I played the battle before man, I nevr won, it’s always venrtans, steablished older sell out bands man, like those old rassist Lost Causes I clocked earlier. I mean wake up dude, we never stood a chance! Eespcially after you decided to change our song a hundred times, even after studying the stiff competition this year-we were never gonna win. Sure it was motivating to let you think that, to raise morall. But at some point you started taking this whole thing way to seriously man, and it’s not fun to be arround you when you have one our your spazz attacks.” I was fuming at Trent, I wanted to punch him back in that fucking mosh pit so bad I could scream.

“Spazz Attacks?! Seriously?!!!!!” Lenny’s arm made it way to my shoulder.

“Lester come on man, it’s all good, at least we tried our best. It’s like remember our chat on the way here, the band was gonna spit up regardless of if we won or not man, were all moving on to bigger better things this summer man.”

“Easy for you to say, surfer boy. You guys were my ticket out, now I…im a man adrift”

“Oh shut up lester, your such a drama queen. I mean, were a high school band of gods sake, we only been together a year, did you really let this idoit convince you we had any chance-” Trent smacked Lenny hard.

“ow”

“-of us winning. Lenny, I dont know care how drunk you are, having your Uncle judge would never make—any kind of difference for us? this isnt hollywood man, relying on nepostim can only take you so far.”

“Yeah but…all this time…all those rehearsals, all I risked in new york city to buy our outfits, all those hours praticoing and drilling and pouring all the little passion we had left into the music…after two years of brotherhood, the entire time in the back of your head…you were thinking “Yeah but these amateurs will never win the battle of the bands, who are they kidding themselves” …are you serious? I dont even believe you man, your just saying this now that we lost, if we won you wouldnt be saying any of this man. This is all just one of our…masks, yeah…so you dont have to be sad like the rest of us! Well screww you, being a numb nathtistic with spooky makeup isnt as osrginal as you think it is! You thought we could win, a part of you did, man, admit it!” 

“But…I mean be real Lester, you cant really be sipruised. I know you dont know this industury as well as I do, but look arround man, we never stood a real chance. But I still had fun man, its been a ride, its about the journey and all that bullshit. But winning is boring man, Im honestly still shocked made it this far.”

“Trent…? What the hell man, are you serious? Ugh, I trusted you man, I thought you believed in us! How long have you not belived in the band…how long were you counting on our downfall?”

“Oh would you give it a rest Lester? We were never gonna win”

“Well maybe we would have had a chance, if YOU haddent gotten into bloody fist fights with half the bands here! You just wanted an excuse to beat up yoour old rassist riot, and fighting the fucking audince after the show was already chaotic enough…was just… I mean were you trying to sbaaotoge us? You discrasesed us, man they were gonna call the fuzz, and everything! You are the reason we lost man, if we were “never gonna win” maybe thats because, you never planned to let us!”

“Oh, you want to play the blame game now? Ok, well if we did have any chance of winning anyway, which we didn't, it’s because you have been doing everything in your power to do that since we got here! You have been acting so shady and unpredictable all week, what with your dipearing for hours before the show, making us late and not telling anyone where you were, then tonight in the stairwell after you interrupted my smoke break, where the hell did you even go for all those hours man? How did you get those bruises man, I just assumed it was makeup but…know a black eye when I see one.”

“I told you, I fell down the stairs.”

“Horseshit, and then theres you changing our song last minute without telling us, when they made us change songs last minute, you could have chosen any song…but you chose heartbreak blues. A song that you admitted we haddent praciced in ages, were very rusty on, that you didnt want to ever play at the battle of the bands, you wanted it to remain a B side bonus, if we ever release it at all. If you haddent been acting so ertice, impusiove, ignoring the group decisions of the band, doing a bunch of last minute nonsense without justification, ignoring years of preparation on the most impotaytant nigaht of your life? Now if anyones sabaotoging the band it’s you man! I mean what the honest hell was with you tonight, as childish and ridiculous as you can be, your never this…just plain braindead, especially on a night as important as this, that you never shut up about for years, as if it was the second coming! What the honest hell man? The nerve to try to pin this on me, no one is to blame man we just lost…werent good, it’s not rocket sciimnce, theres nothing more to it man. But if anyone had the biggest part to play, it was you man. You never let us forget that your The “leader” of Bad Decsions, so you should lead…but when it was time to actually step up and take th rains you lead us into a flaming dumpster fire under a landfill. I have never been more embarssed to be part of band, then I am right now…congratuations Lester, you truly lived up to the bands name, Making nothing but Bad decisions start to finish.”

“hey man, go easy on him” Kevin wispired in Trents ear

Trent turned his eire back at me Ignroing my brothers fiant pleas, he wasnt done.

“Sorry Kev, but he’s gotta learn. Lester–” Trent looked at me for a long moment, of silence as I felt in influx of tears coming on as this whole night was finally too much for even a seasoned rock star like myself to handle, and I wasnt nearly drunk or high enough to numb it. Trent stared at a single stream of blood flowing down from my forhead arround my fresh, shinning black eye and bruised lip that, in the influx of blinding stage lighting they finally realised wasnt part of my makeup. Trent’s face turned from frustrated to terrified, as his own face had been bruised a bit in the mosh during his personal battle against the front row, but…this was the first time he noticed my face. Now that the blinding adlernine and arguing ferver started to fade, and we were no longer lost in the moment or the dark, evryones head turned slowly one by one to stareand gawk at my…I haddent looked in a mirror but what i assumed to be pretty gankrly scars.

I knew now they would all intergate me on how I got them, since I ddint have them only an hour prior before Kevin sent me to fetch trent back to the dressing room from his racist pounding smoke break. Oh shoot….I hope the acoustics in the stairwell are consintally awful like Rubin said, so they wouldnt have heard Rubin beating the living crap out of me only three flights above them. 

Oh…shit, whats a good lie…thats convincing, as to how I got theas bruises, something really incompsicous, improvble and totally normal sounding.

“Holy shit Lester what hppened man?” Trent said in a tone riding line between shocked and impressed.

“Woah, Your face man!?” Lenny barked, with his tongue half out, laughing and elbowing Beans…failing to read the room, yet again. I could only imagine the vaulagr, dirty joke they were both thinking of right now. It was probably really funny…somthing about rough sex, probably,but this is Lenny and Beans here, and their known to laugh compulsively in serious istutaions, but since they take nothing seriously, their seldom in them. I reached up to touch my forehead, and looked down at my palm with horror, blood, thick, red, fresh, dripping blood coatd my dirty palm, dripping through my fingers to form puddles on the backstage floor.

 Kevin just looked horrified, still half naked he ran his tender hand across my bloody cheek, his fingers were pruny and stiff from all that plucking and pick pinching. He looked confused and wore a face of silent confusion and bewilderment, and looked distant, staring out at the stage, stalling before the final performance, with wide glossy, haunted eyes, the look he always gets when he knows in his gut something is wrong, but cant yet discern what. 

“Lester…oh my god, are you ok buddy?”

“yeah, im fine man…it doesnt hurt, or nothin” Kevin looked extasbrated and speechless, like my beaten face was the final straw tonight, it had finally kockjed the life clean out of him.  

“NO, W-We should get you to the hospital man, w-wat-when-did this happen? how?”

“no big deal man, I just…fell down the stairs.”

“...Seriously, man?” Trent rolled his eyes, and leaned back, lighting a “thats bullshit” cigarette. I knew he didnt believe me for a second. He’s heard that bs a thousand time before, it might as well be code for “I dont wanna tell you, but we both know what happened” for guys with punchy dads.

“Yeah…seriously, man. I fell on the way back down from brining your ass back down to earth, man! You woulodve heard me if you werent so busy beating up our composition!? Come on, Would I lie?” Trent took a minute to ponder.

“You know what, yeah, yeah you totally would.”

“Ugh! News flash, Trenty Rock n roll is a sandgous sport, you cant expect to make it in this Biz, without getting your hands dirty, if your not a little roughed up after a show, your not doing it right, man.” Everyone rolled their eyes to that, especially Trent, cringing at the words the second they left my lips. Trent turned to me, 

“Roughed up? Are you serious right now?” Trent said, forcing me to stare into his equally black eyes, he just aquired for getting into the most pointlessly bombastoic brawl with the audience. I siaghed and slumped down in defeat, not even mad at him. He had the right idea to start throwing punches at the end honesty, If we were gonna bomb, might as well go out with a bang.

All of a sudden Trent’s face fell smug, now that he knew I was lying about my face, he started to wonder what else I was lying about. He’s always taken me for a Bullshit artist hiding behind exessive emthusiam, and true Garden State-brand Nievety. But for once him finding out my secrets had real ramcfactions, the stake shad never been higher. Now slumming in the aftermath of our unbridled defeat, I could not let Trent expose my sordid past and master plans. He was keen to notice me slumping and looking glum on the floor, that I’d mostly let my guard down, so now was his prime opeunity to strike, and of course, he took it with glee.

“Man, im really sorry fell down the stairs, man. First you get humiliated backstage by the other bands, I TOTALLY humiliate you guys by fighting my old racist rivals, forcing you to chase after me, then you have no choice but to limit your set from three tracks to one, and you pick the worst possible one!? Then we all make a fool of ourselves playing the worst set of the night, in these redicluious gay monkey suits, and after SO MANY YEARS, OF HARD WORK! What a night Lester, you really cant catch a break. I cant even imagine what your going through right now.” That was random, for once Trent was being nice, too nice…

“Thaaaanks man…” I said, catuiously. 

“Yeah yeah, totally…and I'm so sorry, for being such a insisetive bassist and bad friend, for noticing that you fell sooner!  mean, danm that shit looks gangly.” Trent mused on in his phoney concerned tone, touching and exmnaing my black eye with a mothers intrusive love. I winced away as he pouted his lip, getting confused looks from Lenny and eye rolls from Kevin, who had seen all his tricks and was just too tried at this point to offer any Brotherly input. Suddenly Trent got out of his folding chair, and sat beside me with his spikey Leather shoulder pads grazing the stage cutrin. He put his arm arround my shoulder and put his cigarette out on the inner thigh of my Lather pants. On any other day, I would have been incredibly turned on but this just felt like a warning. 

Trent grinned so wide like the Joker, tightening his grip arround me. He breathed real heavy in my ear, man Trent please dont ask any more questions, trust me man, you dont wanna know the truth. 

“Hey, Lester…while we're here, are we gonna talk about the elephant in the room, or….?” Trent said.

“What Elephant?”

“Rubin!? You calling him out by name in front of the entire crowd? Changing our songs to “Hartbreak” blues of all things? Sining like the man broke your heart? Everything tonight, dude, you think we didngt notice somthing was up? I mean, You havent taken your eyes off him all night? Like, What the hell has ben going on with you? We all know your alot of things, but subtle isnt one of them and I’ve had a gut feeling for some time now, your hiding something. What the hell is going on with You and Rubin?” Trent asked, one line of questioning away from outing me. Kevin turned to me.

“Yeah, Les’ I didn't want to say earlier buddy, but calling him out like that was the final straw, look I know…what happened between you and Rubin is nobody’s business.” carful Kev…

“Woah…hold on! Thats totally coutarogous dude? I love scandals, holy crap man, this just got interesting” Lenny’s face lit up as he scooted closer to me on the backstage floor, his leather chaps squeaking like nails on an ungodly chalkboard. 

“why is it nobody’s business les? hmm?”

“Yeah, D-did R-Rubin s-s-screw y-you over, m-man?”

“I always knew there was something fishy goin on with you two, sneaking off all week, fighting with Kev about cheating n shit. What’s goin on les, the world wants to know?” Lenny jeered

“Rubin told me your a hack keboyadist, who cant even play Crodicle rock, and were all only here tonight because your fop uncle frosty paid for our slot, and righged the battle so we win the battle and the lottery! He also says you smell like weggies and Elvis’s toleit water, youc cant surf, and you have no idea to respect other peoples rpivacy! is that what you wanted to know Lenny…!?” I yelled, pouting with my arms crossed. He just looked hurt.

“Ok…jeez” Suddenly Kevin interviened, to save me from revolving the drain of guilt and misery. 

“Like you know I'm not mad Lester but…they have a right to ask, you werent yourself tonight-I know why your so mad at Rubin but- I mean it’s not like he-oh nevermind Lester, it’s not wroth it. Just drop it guys.” Kevin said to everyone, standing up for me till the bitter end, dont know why I thought even he would throw me to the wolfs after how I acted tonight. He knew about the lovelist, he was the only one who knew I didnt just know Rubin from Havrad test cheati’n and band practice. I relsized then that Kevin had a vested interest in protecting my reputaion too, because if I went down he’d be exposing himself too. But he still didnt know about where I’d been today, Rubins plans for Harvard or mine to destory him on Monday,and thank god for that. But he knew enough to project me, thank you Kevin I would do the same for you, at least…thats what I tell myself to sleep night. 

Lenny and Beans backed down at Kevins direction, but Trent still didnt seem quite convinced. He notioned for Kevin to stand up, dragging him into the back anals of the backstage corraader, away from us, just barly out of earshot. I tuned my head as Lenny and Beans ignored them, falling back into their own private world, Trent procddeed to grill Kevin for the truth in a paux whisper, though I could still hear every word.

“Yeah but Kev’...your right he owe us answers, so why dont you make him give them to us!? He just fucked up our whole set ovr this? What the hell is going on, is he in some kind of scandal with him? What is it, blackmail, he steal a car? is Rubin his dealer, is he on the hook for stealing songs, theft…carjacking, counting cards, CIA Physops, is he working withe th russian? helping Rubin build a time michine to kill adolf hitler, what is it? I still cant belive our Lester has any connecrtion to the front guy for Rolling Viens at all, im almost impressed. I heard on the grape vine Rolling viens already have a record deal and threea album they only came tonight as a courtesy, they dont neeed the prize money at all, but their liklley to win anyway, maybe thats why Lester in such a jealous twist. But it could be anything becuase I feel like veryone has been on cloud 9 and planet of he fucking apes this week and im the only one still stuck on earth, So–what gives man?”

“Hey…first of all, dont you dare blame Lester for “runing our set” you were just a bad if not worse. Constanly getting into fist fights with your compition, giving that racist guy head trauma, picking fights with everyone incudiling our audience!? You almost got the cops called on us man, that crosses a line! This was his first battle man, Your a pro, what’s your excuse? Ya telling me your this drunk and volient evry year, pfft, no wonder you never win. ”

“Lester was out of control!”

“Well at least he wasn't violent, I mean god. I’ve never seen you so you ready to draw blood. You know he would never have gotten that black eye, if he wasnt froced to chase you down!”

“Man, dont play dumb. We both know that’s not how he really got those scars.”

“What scars? The ones on his forehead, he’s had those since he was a baby-”

“No–Kevin, the ones all over his fucking face, I know it was dark but your going to Havrad man, you should be able to tell makeup from a real life pounding. And I know you wanna proetc him or whatever, but we both know he didnt get those by falling down the fucking stairs.”

“No, no we dont know. How could we possibly know that man, we werrent there? Why should we not belive him man, he just tripped, ok? I dont blame him, you of all pepole should know those stairs can be slippery, they should have a caution sign since so many rockers trail their juices up there, it can be a slip n slide. Besides, you were back there, year after year, you know those old industrial stairwells are padded like cracy, you cant hear shit from inside, incuding the loudest Metal set from tonight, so how could you claim to hear him NOT fall down the stairs?Hmm? Explain it to me?” 

“Kevin….”

“Ugh fine? Enlighten me Sherlock, what do you think happened to him, then? in the twenty minutes in between brining you back from your smoke break, and our set starting-?”

“What do you think, Einstein? Rubin…you can still see the imprint of his fake“world seriies” ring smackdab in the center of your brothers forehead. iT’s no mystery-”

“What? Rubin? No way!? Hey man now your staring to sound mental, maybe you shoud take it easy on the Sam adams-”

“No I’m serious man, just think about it. All the signs are there. Like all week yall have been fighting over Les’ being stone cold convinced, Rubin’s been cheating off you eevry time you Tutor him, he’s been sneaking arround all week, diepearing without explanation, even tonight, he just diepared instead of coming down with me, and appears almost an hour later with bruises, freaking out having just changed our entire set and his stage name behind evryones back. He’s been preparing for this all year, its all he can talk about, all he’s been doing is rehearsing and preparing everything, he was nothing but pep talks about winning, and us taking off and getting famous shortly after, he had everything as planned out and accounted for as you could get and then all of a sudden…this? You can't deny he’s been different lately, especially this past week, he’s always been a freak but-somthings changed man, and it all started when you started tutoring Rubin, and when he found out Rolling Viens was gonna compete against us tonight.”

“changed? Man he hasnt changed one bit, he’s my brother trust me he’s always been the same old well-meaning Freakaziod.”

“Yeah but recently…he’s started to get freaky man, like…freaky freaky…like I didn't wanna say this before, man cuz he’s your brother n all, and I don't mean no disrespect but I’m starting to think Lester might be…”

“What? Might be what?”

“Oh, nevermind…’ 

“No, What is he man? Pls, tell me.”

“You're really gonna make me say it-”

I could see Kevin cross his arms and look trent up and down, sticking out his lower lip and bubbling his eyes, making his classic “I'm waiting” face. So Trent, now backed into a grave he just dug, sighed and finally said the dreaded thing. His lips formed the word, that I had destroyed a thousand Rock stars reputations, a word I had feared anyone saying, or knowing for so long, I could hardly belive Trent was about to say it. I suinted and clenched my fists, holding my breath as if to brace myself from the swinging deadly pain of the word being dragged out into the hot Backstage air.

“Queer? Lester’s a queer…inst he?’ Kevin looked wordless, like any calm collected, educated kind heartred response was kocked out of him. 

“...What? that is redidous! man do you hear tyourself right now? No-he’s no-and what does that have to do with anything anyway? I thought were were talking about rubin, and your redicliuous conspericry theory that he beat Lessie up bckstage.”

“Hey…just so you know, I dont give a shit if he’s gay, alright. I couldnt give a rats ass, I know he used to have some kind of crush on me and…really, you dont have to wig out, it’s not a big deal, I couldnt care less. I'm not a kid like Lenny alright, I grew out of all my juivivle bigotires long ago. But you dont gotta deny it, or call it “redlclious”man, it’s not like he ever cared much for hiding it. I mean come on: all those half naked posters of Flea in his room, he never has a girlfriend, and…his instance on these, insanley gay outfits for tonight? I knew the day we met, only a queer would get into a fight with a stanger over the red hot fucking chili pepeprs man, Ha! and you know I aint even mad, but us wearing all this Leather tonight is definfily just his alabroate ploy to see us preofmr half naked. But Lester’s gay…clearly there's more going on between him and Rubin then meets the eye…come on, man…im not an idiot” Kevin suddenly went quit, I was pralized, he paused to stroke his chin and look arround, opening his mouth over and over only to close it agin, pondering how to proceed with caution and care. He took a deep breath, looking back at me, Lenny and beans for a meomment, before moving ferther away from us, I could still hear them, becuase the backstage arewa backround chatter had faded into a haunting silence. 

“...First of all…it’s his business alright, unlike everyone else, im not gonna volatile his privacy just because other people all of a sudden claim to be “concerned” for him. But…hypothetically speaking, if he was gay, he’s only out to me and definitely doesnt want anyone else to know, let alone spread it arround because it could ruin is career…future music career that is. It’s nice that your fine with it, I said it was reciluouys assuming you’d be like the others, consitring thease days most peole assume it’s just a prerqeuiste to having a dealy disease. But now—I have to ask-” Oh god, Kevin come on, dont mention the lovelist, please, dont mention it, im begging you.

“What does my brother being gay, –have to do with Rubin, or any of this?”

“those two things arent as unrelated as you might think. Witch is why I'm worried.  Just so you know, ive been arround I spent alot more time with Rubin then all of you jokers combined, and trust me, that guy is bad news. Rolling Viens wins every year  because I wont deny their fucking good, but just as oftenn it’s becuase they play dirty, rumors of bribery and blackmail abound.” I gasped, covering my mouth as soon as their heads turned, hearing me but quickloy turning back to their chatter, as they werent sure I was listening or…worse, they wanted me to hear this. It felt like I was eavesdropping onto Ragan confessing to manfucatruing the war on drugs because he hates black pepole, or some other secretive saltuous bombshell like that, the thrill ran up my spine. It’s a thrill like no other to be a fly on the wall for a confvesation, you werent supposed to hear. I learned in closer.

“Trust me Kevin, Rubin has a reputation for…being nothing short of a menace to society, and not the fun rougish rocker type. He comes from a family of cimrnals, daddies in jail serving life as we speak he was ‘rasied’ by his brother, who wasnt much better. he doesnt give a shit about rock n roll, other peole, life, morals, or school-since he failed every class we had together last year. Witch came as no shock since he spent most of his precious time hitting on every teacher we had, male or female. I think he took van halen’s latest hit abit to seriously. You remember he was in three of our non-ap courses junior year, and you couldnt stop complaining to me about how ‘that one blonde class clown, keeps stealing all my project ideas and telling the freshman how to upgrade their bongs with bubbleitiuous’bubble gum - That was him man, that was Rubin! You hated that guy.”

“Well I dont know about all that, when I tutored him all semester he was a totally different kid them the one you and Lester keep describing. He was kind, dedicated to his studiesl, and was committed to getting into Harvard and turning his life arround.”

  “UGH! Horseshit man! Thats bogous, and you know it! that guy was a master bullshit artist, he was playing you for a sucker the entire time. He is really good at putting on that goodie goodie, reformed rocker mask, ive seen it. and ive seen it work on countless gullible judges, pastors, and bandmates just like you man, he used them for all they were worth and then threw them out like dried out silly string! He will step on anyone to get to the top man, even his own band! Do you have any idea how many drummers, Rolling Viens has blown through, the last guy, Lolly Masters, poor son of bitch, got on Rubins bad side on night after pratice, by suggesting they remove one of the lyrics about “raping savages in the jungle” and, well,…no one has seen him since.”

“...Really? That…just doesnt sound like Rubin?”

“Man it’s because the Rubin you tutored was a LIE, he was playing you for a fool, god knows why his ass was trying to get into Harvard to begin with but…it’s not for degree, thats for sure. Face it man, i know it sucks but…he was using you, and honestly maybe you shold have listeined to Lester when he warned you about him cheating off you all week, becuase he might be onto something.”

“Ugh…Well if you knew all this dirt on Rubin, why are you only telling me now? If Lester was right somehow, that Rubin stole my IAP, and cheated on the Harvard Exahm when he took it before me this morning. Why diddnt you ever warn me?” Hearing this sent off red alerts, I clucthed the tight sweaty pockets of my Leather pants, indiuing the spot where Trent had put out a cigarette on me. I sughed with relief, their still there, the IAB, Harvard acecptnce letter, and sex tape…their all still there, safe and sound. I kept listing, thinking now of the perfect time to reveal all I knew couldnt wait any longer, after this, after the show ends…all would finally be revealed…well all expect the tape,and my plan for monday…duh.

“I hate that Guy, after last years battle was such royal ass I vowed to avoid that dude like the plauge, and for other reasons too. I didnt relize he’d gotten Lester so caught in his web, I would have said something but in truth I thought you knew, his reputation at school, it’s inescapable I didnt think you were so nieve to tutor him, let alone actually still think he was a good guy, I thought you were a better judge of charhcyter to be honest, there was never a need to warn you by stating the obvious.”

“Ok…man, my bad. Im sorry that was my fault, I was so cought up with school, and church, and Roxy and…I missed it, I feel awful now, looking back…the signs were all there.”

“Heh, no kidding. Lester is usually insane, but on this one he was right on the money, you should have listened to him man.” I blushed, hearing Trent say such things about me fed my ego like a stuffed pig, though it was too little to late.

“Yeah…Im sorry, wow…so he cheated off me, that means…wait, I cant even think about myself right now. Now im seriously worried man, he beat up lester, what else did he do to him?: Is that why he was such a space cadet all week, wait, w-what type of repuation did Rubin have extaly?”

“Like I said, he’s well known for being a jerk, screwing over evryone in his path to get to the top. -but I presume you mean relating to Lester in this case, well…I dont know much, but I heard he had a very well known, and…wide spred rep in the scene for sleeping around, by arround I mean…very far arround, you get me? Basily, he was a man whore, some said have even called him a sex addict and based on some of the stories Ive heard, that might be putting it mildly. it was wild because he’s not even famous yet, yet he acts like it already carrying himself as if he’s a untouchable rock god, iltilted to whatever ass he wants! He slept with men and wemon and just about everyone else in between, every groupie, raodie, fan, big time agent, judge, singer, basist, has been seen stumbling out of his dressing room, half naked and half akwake. He’s been known to get into all kinds of debchocbhry, cocaine orgies, drug fuled sex parties backstage, even outdoors in places all over the state, he’s been banned from more bars then I can count, he’s gotten in too deep with a few chicks I know, claimbs he drugged them and took their verginity at his record launch afterparty last summer, lawsuits from the parents of underage girls are abound, he’s even been known to sleep with the members of rival bands, older guys, younger rookies just starting out, then blackmail them so they blackout of the competition. There was even a rumor two summers ago, in 85 when Frosty just released Full Spread, and people out here frist started hearing about the whole aids thing, a few male and female groupies claimbed he had given it to them, but he refused to get tested, conetuing to spread the dessise for years, some say he gets some sick satfiuation out of knowing pepole might die after fucking them, so he’ll never have to deal with them or their complaints in the future. Rumor has it he’s only alive, because he’s got some kind of superhuman immune system, ive heard him say he’s magic, that he was blessed by Bacchus, in a near death expperince during some kind of freaky sanatic ritual at a Hunter’s Island commune, offerings to be spared the “plauge of flesh” whatever the fuck thatr means. But eithr way, he’s dangrous, and he’s not who any of you think he is. He’s like…one of the worst people I eveer met, and since he has a recred deal now and is apreartly on the verge of real success, I fear for the world, especially Lester.”

“Oh my god…is that true? No…that cant be right-” Kevin stuttered, seemingly rmbering the love list, god Trent even if thats true, you didnt have to just validate all his fears at once, one at a time.

“What did he do to Lester then? Oh my god, is he ok?”

“So, if you really want to know what I think happened tonight was, at some point Rubin seduced Lester, witch is so gross to think about, but…bear with me, he preyed on his lust for rock n roll, niveness about the industry, and lack of support system outside…you, and generally saduded him hanging the threat of balckmail over his head like he did with so many others, then Lester, being…Lester fell in love, head over heals. Him, being starved for that stuff entirely, did anything Rubin said, even flooding the boys bathroom from sheer excitement after being invited to his house aftyer school. so…eariler today, he went to his house, Rubin assumed he was coming to fuck, but really he had be susipisous for weeks now about Rubin cheating off Kevin so he wanted to go to his house, to lowe his inbitions nad get him to confess. maybe the rason he was late tonight was becuase he snuck off to his house, but instead of making love or whatever he was expected, he broke it off with him trying to blackmail him, convince him to drop outof the battle of the bands so he’d have assured victory, but….…then….then-”

“Then what!?”

“Then…he must refused to backdown, or bend to Rubins bribes or blackmail, vowing to beat him tonight with our set, in his typical overly confident ziel. But then After you sent him up to the fire escape to get me, he must have run into Rubin somewhere, maybe right there in the stairwell, where rubin tried to intimate him one last time into quitting, where he beat him up, to show him who’s boss, knowing lester though he still didnt back down. SO then thats when they werre forcinhg evryobne to change their set down  to one song, when…being heartbroken by Rubin he…chose heartbreak blues…and changed his stage name, probaly because Rubin insulted his old one, though in truth so did we…Mickey fingers was never gonna work.” 

“Wait, oh god, it’s scary how much sense your making.”

“Yeah…I had a hunch, but with your confomation earlier now theres no doubt, Rubin broke his fragile little heart and nose. not to mention he cateryed the whole set arround one upping Rubin runiing all our months of pratice, but of course, it just blew up in our face. The worst part is our failure at his hands is italy what the bastard wanted all along. I just hope he can get over himsmself, dont tell I said this bout he may be a compete joke, but he’s also really tallnted…I hope this doesnt make him wanna quit music alltogether.”

“No…But I just hope he doesnt know we know what happened to him tonight, he still thinks we dont know a thing. We have to believe his lies about tripping on the stairs for now, just for his sake.”

“Well. That would be Hunky Dory, expect he’s definitely listening to us right now.” Trent said, as we locked eyes. causing Kevin to facepalm. I hid in shame.

After hearing all that, I couldn't take it anymore, holding back from telling them the truth, keeping track of all these secrets and lies, I was starting to lose track of them all. Staring into Kevin’s worried eyes, I wanted nothing more than to just let it all out, and spill out every last detail about everything. I needed Kevin, Trent, Lenny, Beans, and the entire state of New Jersey to know Rubin is a monster, the enemy of rock n roll, he’s the one who beat me in the stairs. He’s the one who cheated on Kevin and is screwing the Battle of the bands over, to make his shitty Harvard concept album. Kevin didn't get into Harvard, Rubin is gay, he’s refusing to get tested for Aids and is spreading it as we speak, and he’s counting on me to stay silent about all of it! I wanted so bad to finally tell them the truth, but…I had to bite my tongue, playing the long game remember it will all work out in time, all in my favor this time not theirs. As Kevin and Trent sat back down next to me looking Akward as hell, lenny and beans still obvious. I was still mad, and now that we werent on stage, I had nowhere to take it out. Trent knew I was gay…the whole time? great now he was gonna tell everyone and…trent also knew all this dirt on Rubin the whole time and…didnt tell me? Come on I could have used some of that against him, it was so much jucier then I could have imaghined! Trent cant know me that well, percicted all but half of my top secret radnvous!? Well I knew our band was finished anyway so I decided to make the first move, ripping off the bandaid before they get a chance to cut my arm off.

“sooo Lester-” I cut Trent off smugly

“You know what, man, you're out of the band!” 

“What, you were the one who was evesdropping man! I defended you!”

“I dont care, your out of the band!!! Get out, or Ill make you!”

“Too late, asshole, becuase I just quit! and guess what, I was quitting before we even lost, so there!” Trent said, in a tone I could only decribie as Drunk stonned sleepwalking comedian from Tatioine.

“Well—too late for you, ‘Trent’ because you can't quit a band, that no longer exists, because…were is breaking up! ”

Everyone was silent, staring deadpan at me when I expiected shock and uproar. Evryone was annoyingly chill about this.

“Your..not even gonna freak out, orr….”

“No..man, We littatry just talked about this in the van…I thought we were all riding the same page here, after tonight, we were all going on separate journeys man, Bad Decisons would break up and-”Lenny said, already back in his chill surfer persona, and he wasnt even back in caflorina yet.

“Yeah but only if we lost! I thought for sure if we won, the band would just go on forever! We cant break up man, you guys are…my—I need you guy–ugh! You cant break up now, were just getting started!” I screamed, starting to grasp at straws.

“Wait I thought you just said we were breaking up!?”

“Yeah but…not if you guys were expecting it! Way to steal my thunder man…”

“So–w-were n-not breaking up, or are we? I-I-Im c-confused.”Lenny asked, dumbfounded.

“Lester…I thought the band was a decmocery, shouldnt breaking up be a group decision? Ha ha, Shouldnt we now record a breakup album, and go on a breakup tour, I bet the Red hot fucking chili peppers would be so proud of all the Bad Desisons your making, Wow im wasted.” Trent burped a beer bubbled reflecting his dopey smile, he had stopped taking thing seriously long ago. He wouldnt stop mocking me, he just wanted to rub sault in my wond, he was so drunk and unhinged right now swinging back forth kicking over beer bottles on the floor. He just sat there rocking back forth, laughing at my pain like the joker letting glass shards and loose sequence and fethers from other bands’s outfits. He was still coming off his voilent adrenaline high. But Trent could state the obvious, and bask in my failure and our group himluation all he wants, but he crossed a line when he took the Chillies name in vain.

“Trent! Dont bring the Chillies into this.”

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh CHILIES, CHILIES, CHILIES!!”

“ENOUGH!!” Kevin stood up abruptly, he had finally had enough of our post bomb bickering. I had been so busy fueding with Trent I didntg even notice the light fading from Kevins eyes. He stood up and ran his fingers through his hair, letting out a massive sigh. Regaining his composure, turning to face us, forcing a smile.

“You know what guys, it’s been a long night. I think we should head home.”

“But Kev-we gotta at least stay untill the end, were gonna miss the Winners unvealing!”

“We’ll find out tomorrow, come on let's go.”

“But-”

“What’s the point Les, we know were not getting that check, so why bother” Lenny said, as he helped Beans up, Suddenly my whole band of brother had gotten up and were heading for the door. I couldnt believe it, they werent even gonna finish what we started. 

“Come on Les, I told you from the start even if we dont win, we had a good run, it’s not your fault…man, despite it all, I had fun, and would do it all again in a heartbreak—I mean, Heartbeat.” Kevin said standing over me. I looked up at him, danm it, he’s back, his genuine smile and kind eyes got me, I gave in. He extended his sweaty hand, and I took it. He paused for a moment, and bent down to picked up his leather hat he’d thrown, placing it sternly back on his head, as a symbol of soldiatirty. witch ment alot to me. So we both exchanged a glance, and without any words needed, he swung his sweaty bruised arm arround me and just like that the five of us headed for the exit.

“You know, I think I could go for that Dairy queen right about now.”

“Sounds perfect” Kevin wispiered, And despite our loss, for a brief minute everything was ok again, it was like a massive weight had been lifted off our shoulders, and heading out for ice cream I was still inranged at our loss, and all the secrets still left unsaid, but with Kevin by my side once more, I felt a sense of ease, and claifty with it all.

 But of course, nothing good ever lasts forever, because right as we pushed past all the techies and other bands crowding the lobby, finally grasping my hand around the doornob, under the glowing red Exit sign, we heard the pulse of a bassline pulling us back inside. We were so close to escape, we could taste the crisp, midnight Trenton air, we could smell the dairy queen cherry dip cones dripping down our chins, but…just like that we all turned around in shock and parlizing horror. I turned to Kevin who’s eyes were wide.

“Dirty Harry…” He muttered phorpteicly, he let his hand fall from the doornob as he suddenly started bounding back intro the crowd, as everyone else followed closely behind. They didnt even go backstage, but right back into crowd of drunken new jersey animals. 

“Guys Wait!? I thought you wanted to go home.”

Just like that they were lost in the crowd. Oh god, I forgot Rubin had Played Dirty harry for Kevin already, he wouldn't shut up about how good it was earlier, I haddent even heard it…and yet, dude I really didn't want too. After our bomb of a set, the last thing I wanted to do was see Rubin kick ass, and rub his sour victory in our sorry faces. Fudgeballs! I kicked myself, before following them into the fray.

 

I squeezed my way back into the crowd, pushing past drunken truckers, girlfriends, groupies and gas station employees who were messmrusized by Rubin’s set. One minute they were all ready to cause an earthquake and now they were all competly frozen, their hazy eyes glued to the stage, swirling and static like cult victims mid-brainwash. I finally found Kevin and the gang who had violated their way back to the front row. I turned to Kevin, but it was too late, They too were parlized by the incoming baseline, witch was so singular, powerful, and seductive cutting through the air and commanding the room like…nothing ive nver heard before.  

Was…this Dirty hairy?

Good lord if Rubin really played this for Kevin already, if anything he undersatmated just how good it was, and the songs only just begun! Oh shit, was Rubin serious? Was this song also about me? After tonight, I hope to god it’s not, though I know he’d slap me and tell me not to flatter myself by thinking so, the danm poser.

To be honest, I hate to admit it, but I could alrady tell his set was going to be the best thing played all night, witch thorughly killed me. Rubin is the worst human being on the planet right now, but god danm, could he rock. And just like that, in this final moment of power and weakness, I too was possessed by the demonic siren song, of Dirty Harry. He seduced me all over again, but this time with his music alone, and just like the rest of the world, I was at his mercy. 

The stage was lit red, like the kit kat klub, the red light district’s sigutnture sinful hue radiated from the stage in three distinct beams witch coated the stage and audtince in a hellish glow I’d haddent seen used tonight, let alone at any other coneert ever (and as you know I’d seen my share.) Suddenly his two bandmates, emerged first, from the scarlet shadows on Guitar and bass respectively, the baseline still booming, echoing thought the room like a humpback echolcating the vast arctic sea, as if to claim the territory with their sweeping soundwaves. Commanding the room like the heartbeat, keeping a pulse, it was an incredibly simple, yet infectious melody, the baseline, G A B C E B G, his fingers plucking faster and faster. The sound filled the room, vibrating through my body, rattled my spine and shook my skull with reverb heavy electric guitar, building bass to form a full, sultry, sound. A deep gritty, grungy melody filled the room, I heard echo’s of The Stooges, and Lou Reed, sounds I never assumed to come from Rubin and his sellouts, I always ecpxted Rolling Viens to sound more like Motley Crue, or the trashy hair metal he had been emeluating but, Dirty Hairy this sound was wholly sexual. It oozed sleeze and danger out of every amp. Then, just as the background melody had built to a fever pitch, a single spotlight descended upon center stage, as finally, Rubin emerged out of the darkness to take center stage. All three of them, clad in scarlet togas, dripping off them like blood, Rubin wearing the exact rags he changed into in front of me in his godforsaken bedroom only hours ago, only now it was all the more eye-popping. Rubin, stepped ahead to the edge of the stage, standing with his legs spread apart, and his mouth hanging open, as he hung the mic in front of his lips, kicking the mic stand to the ground, to the exited shock of the entire front row. Rubin smirked and started swaying in place, his curly blonde hair bopping up and down lik a lions mane, smirking down at me as I shivered, his eyes refused to break with mine. I just stared up at him, I couldn't help it, I was angled directly underneath his crotch, barely covered by his red robes, knowing his slutty ass, that was probably intentional. The entire stage, the entire universe was his, like he always talked about, at this moment, he alone was in complete control, and as if things couldn't get any worse, he started singing, in his husky, grizzled voice. Without breaking eye contact, I couldn't help but feel like he was singing directly to me. 

Filthy, he squirms like a dead fish

He’s a trashy queen, always doin’ the splits

He’s a pig, he’s a prince, he’s an animal 

He will ride you like you're a machanal bull, oy!

He’ll split you in half, your his dirty whore

But he’ll always leave you coming 

-Comming back for more

Ohhhhhhh, he’s a filthy mama

and I don't mind

cuz I like em’ dirty, 

and from behind

Cuz he’s DIRTY! 

DIRTY! 

DIRTY!

DIRTY HARRY 

don't come down.’

DIRTY HARRY

DIRTY, DIRTY, 

DIRTY HARRY TONIGHT!

he’ll Protect and serve, 

like it’s a work of art

he’ll touch a nerve

and break your heart

Let’s ride!

He came in with the guitar solo, and Rubin grinded up against both his bassist and guatirst, in a way so gay I couldn't believe how the crowd just kept cheering, louder and louder as he just croaked out the second and third chorus like it was his dying breath. He finished his set, dripping with sweat his lips crouched in a wide approximation of Mick Jagger, curling his chompers arround the mic, drawing the audience into a call in response, sending them back into a riotous rou, for the final time. I couldn't believe he wrote this song about me, since none of it sounded anything like anything approaching reality…Dirty Harry is a dirty cop, and I can't imagine I ever made Rubin feel that way in my life, let alone the last week…though, who am I kidding, he’s a sellout, he just wanted to write a rock song about himself and how he thinks people view him, and lust after him. Now that I think about it, he probably tells all his lovers his songs are about them, before he infects them with the big A, and breaking their heart! -Ok, sorry, but like…the more I thought about Dirty Harry, the more I hated it, as if it was possible to hate Rubin any more then I do now. Despite everything Rubin did, Kevin and the band still clapped along with his standing ovation, as everyone stood and threw everything from bras to used condoms onto the stage at Rubins feet, as he and his bandmates bowed. Rubin smirked at me smugly as he bowed under the falling curtain, as I began to fume. 

Soon enough, the applause died down, the battle was finally over. But tensions only arose, as we saw all four judges get up from their seats, and quietly shuffled backstage to make their final decision, Frosty tuned back to look at us, shaking his head in somber disappointment. At that moment as we let his performance and our true catsophic faliure tonight set in, the five of us all collectively looked at each other, like a bunch of deer caught with their balls out in the headlights. 

“fuck.” we all said. Now cought in the sandwitch of the fon t row, with no wait out, forced to hear the chatter of evryone perdictions of who’s gonna win, who rocked, and who sucked, our name came up one too many times for the latter.

“Alright we got to see the whole show, ya happy Kev? Now, lets bounce. I’m sick of this place” I grunted, preying Kevin would just ignore the fact that it was I, who wanted to see the whole show, not him, though I really didn't have another I told ya so in me.

Kevin opened his mouth, but before he could respond, all four judges shuffled out from behind the cutrin, back to their panel.

  “Wow that was fast.” Trent muttered, under his breath.

They had aloready made a decision? oh dude, we were officially toast now, they were only back there for like thirty seconds? Jesus, is that how long it took the academy to decide Platoon would win best picture? (I mean dont get me wrong it’s a great film, but-) This was the nail in the coffin, it could only mean one thing: it wasnt even close, they knew who was winning from the start, everyone knew.

Then just as the crowd grew routy again, somone shouted behind us:

“I bet 200$ Rolling Viens took the crown again this year!”

“ha make it 300$, and tonight im buying!” The guy next to him croaked, spattering a spring shower of spit onto my lower neck. 

“Wooooooooo Rubin Smith!! I love you! Have my babies”  Screamed  the busty blonde to my Left riding on her boyfriends padded shoulders, as she toar open her blouse to flash everyone with “Rolling Viens biggest fan” Painted across her tits. Jeusus christ, thats not fair, he doesnt dersve all this fangirl praise, our name should be on those tits, our fans should be getting their life savings on our victory! If they only knew what a monster he truly was, pfft, what does it matter, it’s not like they would care, he’s up there and were down here…for now. 

Lenny and Beans looked arround the crowd for the twins, but it was clear June and Jannet had walked out during our set shortly after Roxy. The ladies were too humiliated to be assoiated with us after our disiatserous circus of a set, classy girls only date tallnted, sufusfull rock stars afterall. a lesson Beans and Lenny were now learning the hard way. I watched in confusion and awe as they both started crying into eachothers arms, Lenny even holding Beans tenderly to his chest, and kissing him on the forheat, confomting eachother on their mutual breakup and heartbreak. And…Im still the gay one? I rolled my eyes at the sight of them sobbing and falling all over eachother like a bunch of girls getting their first periods on the last page of a Judy Blume novel. Well tonight all our hearts are getting broken, not just mine. Even the fangirls and friends of other bands started to cheer louder, all in Rubins favor. I wanted to sink away into the sweaty body buffet, to dispear from pubolic veiw, from the world entirely. But then, suddenly before I could say or roll my eyes any harder, evryone fell silent, all eyes on him as he entered center stage behind the fallen curtin. He was a tallish white man, with a Hall and Oats brand mustach, frizzy brown hair baring a sizable cross, Jesus’s own hight and weight in gold, swinging across his baby blue polo shirt tucked into his tight kackies, aka. The least rock n roll guy Ive ever fucking seen.

“Holy shit…is that-” Trent wispered 

“Who?”  I whispered back.

“Miles Mosley, the Summit’s owner, he never comes to these things.” 

“Woah.” I muttered. This Poser puts on battle of the bands? If he’s the one revealing the winner, it must be MONDO deal then. 

“Greetings, Summit community! Wow, look how many of you crazy kids there are, gee wiz…let me just put on my glasses–” I said, revealing his adult braces and pedo-pencil stache in the dim spotlight, his lips barley touched the mic as he spit with every slurred syyball. A she slowly pulled his prescription biphocles out of a large case with his name on it. The man sounded like Golf, and smelled like virginity.  

“Oh my god.”

“Wow, gee wiz, theres sure lot of ya tonight! Thanks to the greater Trenton new musical community for showing up in record numbers, on a Friday night no less! he he, Tonight is the 50th anual Summit community center- battle of the bands competition! Everyone give it up, for all the crazy kids competeing tonight!” Evryone cheered, preformtibvly.

“Now let me tell ya something This is one of my favroitre events to…fund here, always so many smiles and the young pepole, and musical orchestration, wonderful just wonderful.” Oh god it was so painfulluy clear he had no idea what goes on here, let alone on the rest of the planet. Oh look, now Space Cadet is dropping his color coded cue cards onto the front row. Now he’s bending over to pick them up mid slutter so gracicously to give us all the premium, oce and life time view of his hairy, pimple populated ass! Ugh, his two cheeks arent even the same size, how is this even going on right now!!! He finally pulled himself together, the cackling of the crowd at him, seemingly blowing right past him and his huge puppet ears. 

“Attention, ATTENTION, ah yes thank you, thank you. So i’’l keep this brief, but before I announce tonight’s winner, I just want to be honest with yall, I dont really get this whole rock n roll hullabu, but each year you kids are just so tallented, and it warms my heart to see how much I single handely have lifted the Trenton community out of poverty, with the help of my lord and svaoir jesus and…your funky tunes, I yet again prove to my investors and my mother that anything is possible! Well Golly gee, folks It’s been a long night, so I ant gonna waste any more of your precious time, I know your all hankering to get home to your wifes, and kids and all. So, I know your just dying to find out who our big winner is tonight, for the grand prize 20,000$ and a whole record deal. But in my eyes your all winners, so can we please give a hand for EVRYTONE WHO COMPETED tonight! come on, giv eyourves a big pat on the back!”

“Get on with it!” Somone heckled, Mosley started to sweat.

“Oh lets get on with it, but 20,000!? Mother marry  that’s is a big number! …back in my day, you could buy a whole chain of motels with that kind of money. But, before I open this here envelope, the last thing I’ll say is…ohhh dolly! This year, the winner wasnt even close! Ha, ha god is good, yes he is, yes indeed. Now, without ferther aduo-”He pulled out a small gold tinted envlaope.  We all bit our lips and leaned forward as he opened at a snails pace, in absurd snow motion as if to touture us. The seuepnce was crippling, till finally he got the small name card out, as the torn envelope drifted to the stage floor beside him. He adjusted his glasses and licked his lips squinting hard to read the name on the card, then suddenly he grabbed the mic, and spat the dreaded, inetble, awful undeniable, name of the winner straight into the mic. He opened his slmily lips like a christian myatr forming his final words, with the name of the band uttered, hitting the musky air like a new plague. 

“The winner is…Rolling Veins!” The crowd eroupted right back into a volcano of physodic cheering and mindless revverly.  

Suddenly I sank, all was lost. My world shattered and deflated arround me, as my nightnmre finally bedcame real, we lost, we really lost. Rock n roll couldnt save us, not this time. I broke in two, falling to my knees, destrapte to channel my endless anger and furry buidlinhg up the last few years, itnto something, anything tangible in this momment of formitive agony. Steam began shooting out of my every whole as I flew right back into a desprate, fuming rage, bursting at the seams with every negative emotion known to man, even some that were not yet discovered. 

I looked up at the spoloak soaked stage, A burst of confetti exploded over Rubin and his perfect band, all their stupid faces baring shit eating grins and voctiroius glows, as if they were stepping up to recessive the medal of fucking honnor. All three still clad in their swety red togas to be adored by everyone, just like they were eevry year. Billy and one other techie, brought out a massive check for 20,000 to big for them to take home, handing it to the band, as they all gathered arround Miles for a group photograph. As we all lost our collective minds in the background, despite knowing we’d loose all along, the momment was no less gutting.

 

After that, we all left in a hurry, driving home in silence.

Dropping Beans, Lenny and Trent off on the way home, without even so much as goodbye. Kevin stayed the most silent the whole the ride, not even playing some fittingly somber Billy Joel on the radio. Even the highway seemed dark somehow. The ride there was short but the ride back felt endless, the silence was louder than any metal band. This was the longest me and Kevin had ever gone without talking, but there was simply nothing left to say, we were all empty husks of anything reslmbling rock n roll, or human beings for that matter. We were too tired and defeated for pep talks, for comfort or even Kevin’s promised trip to Dairy Queen. After a night like tonight, even ice cream would taste bitter. Afterall, the Bronco’s didnt get to celebrate after they being crushed by the Giants, 39-20? Like DUDE-No one would watch the Super Bowl if everybody won, whats the point then? No there's always gotta be losers…always, I guess I thought, maybe tonight, they wouldn't be us. But we didnt deserve celebration, ice cream, or Billy joel, we lost, losers dont get to feel good. But still, I cant help but feel nothing special right now, probably because I’m so used to feeling like a looser, but…I can usually just fake my way out of it, lie that I’m not the type of person who looses, who feels like human mold, Mack Lasher is so larger then life, you can’t even imagine a tear being anywhere near his face, let along being truly sad. As sat as it was feeling like a gross looser, even when expertly lying my way out of it, is my default setting, so much so I hardly even notice it anymore. But for some reason, this, this felt different. It felt oddly real, it felt like a turning point……witch….

would be such a righteous song tittle! im sorry I cant help myself ok?

But seriously I felt like abandoned ass, in the least rock n roll mood ive eveer soccobe to. After tonight doing anything at all on this earth would be miserable and sulk in our pathetic defeat would just be state of mind, so unlibabel death by Ronald Ragan’s space lazers would be prefrbele. I mean everything is gone now, theres nothing left to live for! Lets see see the band broke up, our lovers broke our hearts then ripped out our guts, Rubin may or may not have been spreading Aids this entire time, moms definlity kicking me out of the house by monday, our futures are fucked and uncertin, still so many secrets untold, that are bound to break Kevin’s heart, –just a bunch broken losers, in a broken town…with broken dreams, in a broken world, and no chance of being put back together again.

-hey that would be a good lyric—actully, No. Not tonight, I don't have it in me to turn my pain into cheesy lyrics right now, besides…I left my notepad bastage, some other dritbag band at the afterpary can have em for all I care. Before my mindset could develv any deeper into doom and gloomery, Kevin parked the van in front of our house, keeping his headlights on to be sure it was our house…as it was darker than usual. Mom and dad were no doubt asleep, we tried to not dwell on the hell they’d put us through in the morning. Kevin’s face blended into shadow, barely reflecting his conflicted expression. Like for once in his life he couldnt think of the right thing to say, and wasn't sure if he even should say anything at this point. I just sighed, looking away from Kevin’s haunting face, before unbuckling my seatbelt, I looked out my window at our dark street. There were no lights, no people, no noise, no shapes or colors. Just midevil levels of pitch black, in all the colldasack windows and car, not even the moon seemed interested in being reflected, it was barely shinning or visible up above, cloaked in biloows of factory smog. I sighed again, thinking going to bed would be best at this point, I could take alot but, tonight, I dont think even I could take another heartbreak. But before I could unlock the car door, I felt a firmlar touch on my bruised shouler, Leather shoulder straps barley hanging off, as his hand caressed my fresh bruises.

Kevin turned to face me, just smiling…his Kevinly smile.

“Who needs battle of the bands, man. Your better off-”

“Kevin, I'm really not in the mood-”

“No seriously, you're going to the big time, everyone knows it. You really think tonight is gonna stop you, or slow you down? No way man, you're so far above all this local New jersey bullshit’” Kevin said, montontously, almost to convince himself more then me.

“Yeah but am I though?”

“Yeah dude…Look, its my fault really, we should never have put so much pressure on you. It’s battle of the bands, it’s local hokey bullshit, everyone does it, but it doesn't mean shit, not really. Yeahhh are you kidding, I’ve been trying to tell you man, winning battle of the bands is kids stuff, it never starts careers!? Why do you think all their success stories, are local bands who keep coming back every year. Like how many guys do you see winning the lottery, and how many of those guys do you see on the Fortune 500 list?”

“Man, I see what your truing to do-”

‘Oh do ya now?”

“and don't bother. You can say it, you know, you can be real for just a second. You can say that we-

“That we what?”

“Royaly fucked up!? and made absolute fools out of ourselves in front of everyone we love. Righteously squashing any chance of being taken seriously ever again, let alone a “real” career?”

“No Lester, it's not-”

“It’s fine, ITS FINE MAN! We fucked up, you tried to warn us right, we probably wouldn't win, ‘and thats okay’ but you know what man, at least be honest about it, and least for once in your prefect life, just tell it like it is. Not everything has to have a silver lining, I dont need a pep talk right now man! I dont know what I need but, you really dont need to do all these mental gymnastics to try and put a positive spin of what just happened, ok? I know your just trying to help but -at this point It just makes things worse!”

“Yeah but…its not even like that man. It’s the battle of the bands, it was never gonna be the end for us-”

“Alright man, whatever you say, look it’s been a long night dude, let’s just go inside.” I said dyspontdanly. 

“Sorry Kev, I can't take any more emotional diarrraih tonight. But how is it the end for us? Maybe the end of Bad Desions, and for me, but not for you, not by a long shot man.”

“What are you trying to say, Les? Nothing is the end for us, it’s all just the start of a new beginning, like this theory we read by this dude, Yates, about everything in life being ciiclal-”

“Ugh! I DONT CARE ABOUT UR BIG BRAIN BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW MAN! Save it for your ivy league buddies, who will try to talk your ear off about music theory instead of rocking out till dawn. Face it man, I got expelled, we lost our big break tonight, we broke up the band, Im finished! Mom and dad are for sure kicking me to the curb once you leave for college, It really is the end for me! I’ll have to live on the streets, selling myself for cigarettes. I’ll have to sell my clothes,-my Flea autograph collection-!?”

“Come on? Everyone knows your just gonna start another band any day now, even more rock n roll then this one. And the best part is, now with your next band you wont make the same mistake we did. Thats the great thing about fucking up, you get the cheat sheet on how not to do it next time. And the more you fuck up, the less you fuck up, dude!”

“Yeah….that makes total sense. But, I dont know man, if I cant even win battle of the bands in freaking, Trenton NJ, how the hell am I gonna make it anywhere else?!”

“How? HOW? Your, MACK LASHER man? you're a rock god, a legend remember…and even legends gotta start somwhere, ya see It’s not a question of how you’ll make it, but when. Besides your set may have been a “failure” by their standards, but it was also a spectacle for the ages-”

“pfft, Really?”

“Yea”

“Someday that’s all theyll remember from tonight man. Also dont be such a bummer, were you just at the same battle as I was, you played evry song perfect fro months, but then ya got the jitters at your first big show, happens to all of us man, dont beat yourself over it, as if Rubin didn't do enough of that already.”

“oh god.”

“Your crush got to your head, and so did his fists…and our set sucked, so what? So what man…so many bands first shows sucked, it takes a while to find your sound, your style to find your crowd. Very few bands ever make it big this young, let alone from winning the god danm, battle of the bands, ok? Ha, but I know what you thought would happen, you were betting all your horses on stars, on us all winning tonight, getting a record deal and moving straight to LA with Frosty, instantly rsisng to the top of the rock n roll sacne, a straight shot to fame and fourtune, from battle of the bands straight to MTV, little struggle and endless success, you thought we’d play together forever, and ride our tour bus into the sunset, surrounded by sexy chicks and dudes, groupies and fangirls destined to prove everyone who ever doubted us wrong with our music and larger than life personas eclipsing our small town past? Did I miss anything?” Jesus, Kevin…when you put it like that, I sound completely redilcious. 

“No..But I-”

“No? No but what? Come on man have you learned nothing this whole time? You were never gonna make it just from winning battle of the bands, are you kidding me? No one wins battle of the bands.”

“Rubin won.”

“Yeah, But that’s all he’ll ever win. Fuck that guy man, forget all about him.” 

“Wish it was that easy.”

“Corse it is, man. It’s not like he hired a team of little dudes in your head to prevent you from forgetting. He won tonight, but that doesnt mean shit, man in a few years he’s gonna be nothing but a funny little footnote, on your epic ass. He’s gonna be the one begging for your autograph outside the Berbon room, just preying you forget how shitty he was. You’ll see man, thast how thease things always go.”

“Yeah? and how they hell do you know that’s how they’ll go man? hm? What? Do ya keepin a time machine up your ass now too?”

“As a matter a fact, I do. And I happened to take it for a spin the other day to the future, and it was Gnarly man, the year 2023.”

“Heh, the future? Big Woop…was Flea still alive”

“pfft, Big time dude! Still rocking just hard as ever, looks the same too. He does movies now.”

“No…”

“Hella. He was in Stranded, Dudes, Less then Zero..”

“Nice try! But Those all came out this year man!’

“Yeah, well…when I was in the future, you want to know what else I saw?” Kev was starting to lose me. I know he didn't really time travel, but couldn't he just hurry up and get to the god danm point already, however far away it is.

“What’d ya see, Doc?” I said, disingenuously. Sighing, leaning my head against the seatbelt like a head vice. He let go of the wheel and turned to me, grabbed my shoulder and held me close, with a look of cerntiny across his glossy eyes, lighting up the dark car.

“I saw you, man. Your face on every billboard in New York City. The name “Mack Lasher: 50th reunion.” Lighting up the marquee at Madison Square Garden, swarmed by crowds of adoring fans, young and old, waiting in lines stretching all the way to Times Square, just to see you. I saw you leave your limousine, you’d…lost weight…looking toned, ripped and dare I say…sexy.”

“I get sexy?” 

“Oh yeah, and looking great for sixty too, You stepped out like a god, with a hot young thing arround your arm, wearing Versache shades, no shrit just a shark tooth necklace, and the tighest leather pants money can buy, swarmed by paparazzi as you ducked into the back door. I saw your show, you played so many songs I’ve never heard, but then you played Jearsy girls, and It was clearly a fan favroite…fans love when you dont forget your roots. I saw your crazy backstage parties, caught you doing lines of Coke with Elton in the Plazza bathroom, so many drunke stories about your touring days, orgies, rolling stone interviews and genuourous charity dontaitions. I saw your face on every tshirt, on the wall of every college kids dormroom, you were everywhere man. So when your manger was finally was convinced that I really was your brother and not just another crazed fan, I finally got to meet you, and…to my suprise, outside of getting hot, rich, and a few platinum discs, you havent changed a bit, man! In fact, fame never gone to your head…it went to your heart.” 

“No way man.”

“Way! I’m telling you, you were bigger then Jesus, and I didnt even get shot for saying so. You waited for hours to sign all your fans atogrpahs, even the annoying ones and babies foreheads. You were wearing a top hat with skulls and fethers on it, you had mangers, lawyers, suricity guards, official fan clubs, a pet zebra named Woody, a charity foundation to help gay kids with shitty fathers, a blimp, a hologram disco, a private volcano in Canoon, your own spa pickle brand, you had it all man! You even inrtodcued me to your husband…yes I said husband, who I inrtotouded you too, because I'm just that great, and he was not just your arm candy, he really was your soulmate, and you two were really happy together. Your second-highest selling album was even a tribute to him called “Love Noises.” It was amazing man, so many nights I waited on line to meet you, along with thousands off your biggest fans, people who loved you like you were their brother too, who said they worhsiped the ground you walk on man, that your music saved their lives. People with Mack Lasher t shirts, Mack lasher cover bands, Mack lasher tramp stamps and titty tatoos, Mack lasher 2023 robot sex dolls, I even saw Rubin on that line, being truned away cuz everyone knew he was the high school bully you sang about in Heartbreak blues, one of your biggest singles. I saw your face when they threw him out, and I couldnt wait to tell you, you couldnt stop smiling, even when doing weird shit like ednorcing fast food and femmine hygiene prodocust on evry giant floating holo-screen in the city, and flying taxi cabs, which they’ totally had by the way. I couldnt wait top get back in my time machine and tell you, you are everything you always dreamed of, and everything I always knew you’d be. But before I left the future, over drinks I just had to ask you-”

“What?”

“-If you remember that crazy time you lost battle of the bands, and thought your whole rock career was over. and you just cracked up man, now I don't know if it was all the drugs or years of clarity and wild success talking but, you just laughed so hard, and told me:  “Oh shit man, I totally forgot about that, yeah…well, I was a little shit back then then wasnt I, should pay your residiulas for having to deal with my crazy ass all those years. Well It’s like you always told me brother, It’s long way to the top if you wanna rock n roll, boy did I, and boy was it long, but I made it, im here. And boy, it really was fucking worth it man. Im making more money then you and Kent ever did, you can tell mom and dad their not getting a cent of it. Crazy how life works out that way, crazy it’s like…life man, you know life….she’s a crazy bitch, but you learn to love her. and you know what, I didint even have to keep lying to get here man, we only got this life, we gotta become the truth we want to lie about, that’s the key man, it’s also probelay a song lyric of mine, ha ha you know me, man, evrythings a song lyric of mine man, and there are so many I havent sung yet. Oh hey you should come see us, next week, Im opening for The Red Hot chili peppers at the Barkley center, I got you Vip tickets, the family pass.” And of course I saw the show and of course it was righteous as hell. You and Flea were actually really good friends.” There was awkward silence for the gods as I tried to proecess the journy Kevin had just taken me on.

“So, yes when I went to the future with the time machine in my ass, that's what I saw.” He sasid, smiling in a way that brokle me.

“Wow” I was tearing up again, god danm it that got to me. I started to cry a unable to hold back tears, as if I had any tears left in me after tonight. Kevin went in for the kill, we hugged, squeezing him so tight, worried it would be the last time I’d feel so safe.

“Thanks man.” I said in a wipered muffle into his shoulder.

“Your Welcome, Lester. Thank you, for being you. And hey, because it’s already happened in the future man, that means no matter what you do now, your dreams are always gonna come true no matter what in this timeline, it’s basic quantum mechanics. Once Im at Harvard I'm sure, I can figure out how to make another time machine, not from my ass of course, so you can see the future for yourself.”

“Yeah…about that.” Oh god, he still thinks he’s going to Harvard, oh fucking money meat! This was it, I had to tell him, I couldnt wait anymore. I felt up the Rubins stolen acepetnce letter and IAB in my butt pocket as proof to make sure it was still there. I braced myself for Kevin’s frist ever emotional break down, and the incoming dimise of the world as we know it.

“About What? Dude, you know Im joking about the whole time travel thing right…”

“YES DUDE, obviously…would be totally legit tho, if time travel was real like in Back to the Future…if that really was my future…but no! it’s not that, um…I hate to assnanaite the momment here, but I have some bad news.”

“What? Oh god…please dont tell me…No this issnt happening right now…”Kevin said Somberly

“What are you talking about man?”

“I knew that lovelist was a horrible idea! Oh my god this all is my fault, YOU CANT DIE LESSIE!! You're so young, and full of hope!!! WHAT ABOUT ROCK N ROLL, WHAT ABOUT YOUR DREAMS!? When did you even have time to get tested?”

“WHAT? No! Calm your tits will ya dont have Aids, man!” I better not.

“phew! Oh thank god, don't scare me like that man!!”

“It’s Bad news for…you. You…didn't get into Harvard.” Suddenly Kevin’s smile of relief went limp at the tips, and his eyebrows frrroughed, suddenly his face turned from chill to in dire need of a chill pill. 

“What do you mean?”

“It’s Rubin…I know you think he didnt, but, it turns out He totally cheated on your Harvard Exham. And this time I have proof.”

“What proof? Ugh Lester this again? For the last time, why cant you just drop-” I cut him off, whipping out the proof, handing it to him forcefully.

“Bam, proof. You said it was impossible for him to cheat, because you never gave him the IAB, well there it is, right there, Kent’s answers you used to help him study. See, this is what Ive been trying to warn you about-”

“Holy shit…how did he get this?”

“He stole it.” 

“How do you know? Wait…where did you even get this?”

“He just admitted to me that he stole it, right before the battle…”

“What…when did you-Ohhhhhh Lessie you sly dog!…SO that’s why you were being so shady earlier about being late, sneaking off to have one last love-list ronadvou with your boyfriend-”

“He’s not my boyfriend! And isn’t clear by now he’s a ginormous dickwad of epic sized papportions who would totally cheat and took adadvange of your kidness for months! Just like I warned!! Look what he did to your future, Look what he did to my face!” I screamed pointing to my fresh scars and black eye in frunstartion.

“Yeah, it would have been cute if I was right and he was nice, you guys could have been like a battle of the bands power couple…I thought you could finally find someone besides me, to take on the world with. But that is obviously before he turned out to be such a violent, overly-talented peice of work. Don't worry dude, you can do better.”

“UGH DONT YOU GET IT? none of that matters now, because I didnt just go over to his house to bang, Rubin stopped being my crush the second I confirmed he was fucking with you! I was at his house on a mission. Reconosace baby, to find out once and for all if he was cheating and it didnt take much work either, pretty quickly he started running his mouth and showing off all the evidence. And Listen this is bad, man it’s so much worse then we thought, he didnt just cheat. He was already acpedcted to Harvard, instead of you!”

“What do you mean already?”

“That paper in your hand, under the IAB, man that’s his acpetince letter. He claimbed it was early decision, the bastard stole your spot, that’s not even the worst of it, he told me he didnt even need to win battle of the bands! He’s already got a full record deal, and he only ever wanted to go to Harvard for “reaserch” for his debut record all about how much Harvard sucks! You better start driving now.” 

“What, why?”

“Because! It’s almost moring, we gotta hit the road, run away get out of town, move to Canada, change our names, lay low in some Igloos up north so Mom and dad cant find us! Their gonna eat you alive when they find out you didn't get in!” 

“It doesn't matter.” He said so calmly it scared me. How could he be so calm, his whole life led up to this, and it was just robbed from him!? Our parents love for him is entirely conditual he does only the best, Harvard or bust…and all of a sudden it doesnt matter? What has gotten into you, golden boy? Of all the things that I thought mattered to him, this one always did, all our lives it was inedible…what changed? How could Harvard not matter to him?

“WHAT? DOSENT MATTER? LIKE-HOW CAN YOU EVEN SAY THAT MAN. MOM AND DAD ARE EXPECTING NOTHING LESS THEN HARVARD FROM YOU, THEY’VE SAID IF YOU DONT GET IN LIKE KENT THEIR GONNA KILL YOU, THEY ONLY PUT YOU ON THIS EARTH FOR ONCE PERPOSE, HARVARD! NOW THAT RUBIN OF ALL PEPOLE STOLE YOUR SPOT, YOUR DONE MAN, TOAST! SAVE YOURSELF WHILE YOU HAVE THE CHANCE! LETS MOTOR!”

“Man, take a chill pill, will ya? It doesn’t matter anymore, dont you get it man im free. Harvard isnt evrything, in fact it’s better this way. Good for Rubin, he got into Harvard that’s not easy, that guy sucks but I wont knock his achevivment, even if it was from cheating, he still got in-partly on his own merrtit, the application isnt just one test you know. Besides I was gonna tell you tomorrow at the concert but, I also have news. Rubin’s not the only bastard round here who got accepted early decision.” My eyes lit up as Kev reached into his glove compartment to pull out from a pile of old lyrics and paid parking tickets, a shinny evlaope marked with the green seal of Princeton university. He slowly opened it and handed me the acempetnce letter. Holy shit, this was real I was so proud of him. I threw my arma arround him in shock, and bittersweet glee.

“Oh my god, Kev! Thats amazing! Holy shit, im so proud of you! Princeton was your Second choice!”

“First choice actually…”

“Not Harvard???”

“No, it was never Harvard man. Fuck Harvard, I have no intrest in being the type of guy who goes to Havrad anymore. Im my own man now, unbound, a free thinker, Harvard is where free thinkers go to die. Besides, Kent is there-”

“So is Roxy?”

“Yeah…well she broke my heart, but after seeing our set I dont think I would stick arround either, I lover her but she’s going down a different path man, and you know what, that’s ok. No doubt, she’ll run the world in a due time, were all just little pawns her game of world domnation. But Roxy, Kent arrent being there doesnt mean I belong there too, im not like them, im not conetnt to live the lifemom and dad’s Havrard isnt for me, Im not the same guy I was, even last week, I’ve seen the light. perfect fit for a soulless place like that. Look dont you get it man, I never wanted to go to Havrard, I never wanted most of the shit my parrents force me to do. I know im sopposed to be the good christian golden boy, and not question them or the world, but I just cant anymore man. They raised me to be everything I hate about the world, but I wont let em conture to hold me back. I’m 18, I no longer have to live for them, if they were gonna treat us like workhorses, and only love us if we maintain inhuman levels of perfections osuly to fill their pockets, they should have never had children in the first place.”

“Wow. I’ve been waiting my entiere life to hear you say that.” 

“Yeah, it’s about danm time.”

“SO what now?” 

“Right now, all I wanna do get out of their house, man, out of this town! If anything im glad Rubin cheated, not going to Harvard is the best way I can think of to spite them.”

“Wow. Who are you and what did you do with Kevin?” 

“I took him, and turned him into a better man.” Indeed!

Holy Holloween! This is wild! Seriously, he’s taking this so much better than I thought he would, I’m shocked but also so relived. To finally get this off my chest and have him not royalty freak, is…liberating. Like I can finally breathe again, this must be how the people of Berlin will feel when the wall finally falls, like all your secrets weighing you down in fear and anguish are finally out…well, almost all of them. But my revenge plan against Rubin for Monday, is the secret to dampen this rare, perfect moment. But it’s also a secret I’d take to gave, most people don't confess to probably illegal and morally questionable revenge plot’s right before doing them, that usually spoils things. 

Although, Kevin doesnt seem hurt, he doesnt even seem to be afraid of mom and dad (as stupid as that is) he doesnt even care about Harvard anymore, he got into a school just as good. Ivy league is an Ivy league that’s still impossibly impressive and insane as hell, whatever our bastard parrents say. But my whole plan was about Avenging Kevin, but…he’s not even mad at Rubin, in fact he congtauted him?! If Kevin’s not hurt, then why exactly am I getting revenge? Who am I even avenging…I thought Kevin would be sad, ugh! He’s probably just hiding it, he’s the best Liar I always forget, the best at hiding and masking his true emotions, he’s done it for years, never failed. Expect…if im honest, he usually drops the act with me. I promised myself no more secret sharing, but I have to at least drop the hint, I have to…so I know I'm not making a terrible mistake. 

“Hey…Kev.”

“Yeah Buddy?”

“How do you do it?”

“Do what Lester?”

“Never let anything get to you.”

“Oh, Everything does, I let everything get to me, man. But once it’s gotten to me, I don't let it consume me, because if I’d be wigging out all the time, their’s endless things wroth wigging out over, everywhere all the time man, it woudnt be hard? But, It doesnt feel very good to wig, so why should I let it? Someone’s gotta be the cool and collected one around here.” Kevin whispered in a soft, assuring tone. 

“But, havent you ever…just wanted to tear it all down. I mean, havent you ever been so tried of being beaten down, and feeling powerless, like no matter what you do the world will never give you a chance to shine, like no matter how hard you try you’ll never get awnywhere playing by the rules…and you just dont have anything legft to loose, so who cares if when you go out with a bang, a few pepole get hurt along the way, they probbely dersve it right!? And it’s not like your ever gonan see them again…right?”

“...are we still talking about me?”

“I’m just asking man? Hypothetically speaking, Havent you ever been tried of getting nowhere and feeling the one time you thought you were closest to love, whatever the fuck that is, the one time you were vulribvle with another person, he decides to take a gaint shit in your mouth, piss on your dreams, and sit on evryone you love. And you just cant let him get away with that, but you wouldnt even have to beat him up or choke him out, or curb stop him or anything like that (like he probley deserves, and would do to you if he had the chance, witch he already did, echbit a. My face.) No, you just know that if you dont tell the truth of what he did to you, of who he is behind closed doors, the world would punish him for you. If the world only knew what a sick degrgente he is, what an awful person, an awul person in all the real and fake ways, he’d never be able to live it down. And what if…hypothically of course this person had plans, big plans, to tell the truth about this person who broke his heart and hurt his family, to all the people that matter, that hold his future in the palm of their hands. What if you were so tried of being on the receding end of life, and you wanted just for once, the power to be in your hands. Lot’s of rocks stars fame starts in Infomay afterall.  And What if he didnt even care if his family pretended not to be hurt by his actions, because he’s a goddanmed saint, what if, he was the one who was really hurt, and was gonna finally reval the truth about him all along…to evrthone, and I do mean everyone, even his braindead, trigger-happy, junkie father...who’s getting outta jail monday.” I finished ranting, erratically and ominously. Probaly sounding like a true blue psychopath, worse than Bobbi from Dressed to Kill, and way less fabluous. 

“Lester, your scaring me.” Kevin muttered, pulling away from me slowly, looking cold and shaken by my rantuing. 

“You know…I’m not a good person Kev, I know you think I am, and you love me but Im not good like you, I cant just forgive everyone, I cant just move on…and froget Rubin. He needs to pay! They all do, for what they did to me. They ruined me, man I could have been a person, I could have been a rock star, I could have been happy, well ajusted, I could have been normal!? I could have been a son, a brother, a teenager, a human being! I could have Kev, but they wouldnt let me, they never let me be free, they forced me to be this way!! It’s not my fault, I tried so fucking long to be more, to overcome it all, to rise above and succeed them all away, but life isnt a rock song, that shit doesnt happen!!! We dont fuck the system with rock n roll, we dont get out, we dont get better, we never win, we let it consume us, body and soul, until we are nothing but a fucking susuide statistic no one will ever fucking refence!!?! I mean you pepole havge no idea, how it is, to be at the bottom. No one has any fucking idea how it is to be treated day afterday like evryone would prewfer if you just dididnt exist. Like you cant hear all their praying, but oh, you can see it they are praying for you to fail, for you to stop being you, for you to die. You have no fucking idea what it’s like being me!? Bcuase you wouldnt last a fucking day!?”

“No…Lester, your right, I dont think I would…Im so-” Kev got chocked up, listeing my most recent breakdown in tears, speechless and horrified, and…like he’s been expecting this moment for a long time, but still wasnt prepared. 

You and me both Kev, you and me both.

“Im so sorry, it’s been so hard for you Les, I’m so, so sorry I couldnt save you from more of it. I’m sorry I was too chickenshit to stand up against mom and dad when they treat you like dirt,and made you think you were worthless and unworthy of love! I'm sorry I never shoved dad off you all those nights when he–ugH! and im sorry Rubin turned out to be just as bad as you thought he was, IM SO FUCKING SORRY, ALRIGHT! I have no idea how it is to be less, I stayed in line for so long, my greatest fear is that if I ever stood up for you too much, was more honenst about what I liked, missed church one sunday, or got one grade lower on a test, mom and dad would statt tresating us both the same, and I was afaird Les. I was such a fucking Coward and you have every right to resent me for just standing by when I should have done more, so much more. Do you have any idea how guilty, It makes me, every time I see you, I feel sick, powerless, like It was my fault for allowing them to hurt you, If I could go back and beat the shit out of dad, and Kent and evryone in this fucking town I would, 100 times over. God needs to punish my comolicty, I wish I could have done more to proect you, You know Ive always tried, your my little brother I just want you to be happy, and safe at the end of the day. But whats done is done, and were still breathing, but I might not be without you. We never lost, becuase they couldnt break us. You think im beyond feelong betrayed, of course it hurts that Rubin cheated me, and cheated you, and beat us and beat you, and broke your heart, and…of course im furious at him, ok? But that Harvard spot never had my name on it, if he didnt cheat there was always a chance I didnt get in anyway. Like I said, at this point im happy he got in, Harvard can have his ass, I’m not giving mom and dad the satftaction after all thease years, Im just not. The only reason I was so poised to trust Rubin, is becuase If he turned out to be a cheater, I didnt want you to use it as proof the wheole world is just as bad as he is. Becuase their not man, you have to believe that. The world is wide, and filled with bodatious babes, righous dudes who will fight for you, awesome times waiting to be had, and songs yet to write. Your gonna meet so many awsome pepole man, your gonna find your crew, who will make you belive in trust again. Right now their all just waiting for Lester Flatt to stage dive into their lives, and pretty soon I grantee you will have forgotten all about Rubin, leaving him and the rest of New Jersey in the dust, where they belong. Look, I know you already know all that, But…Lester…”

“But? BUT what Kev!?”

“That deosnt mean in two days I want you to out him. I dont want you to hurt anyone, espically not in my name. He’s an asshole, the world is full of them, but not as nearly as many as you think, I promise! Im sorry he was a dick, and beat you up, and im–sorry your first experince with Love was so warped and rotten! Im sorry, ok, but your a good person Les’, you dont really wanna do this. you of all pepole know, outing somone before their ready, espically in this town with evrthing going on, is hella not not cool! You know because Revenge is imoral, and more improranty, it’s so un-rock n roll.”

“But Kev…Pepole need to know the truth! About what he did to me, they need to fucking know, before it’s too late! Pfft, As if they wouldn't know just by looking at me! Speaking truth to power man, Is so rock n roll, and that’s what this is!”

“I cant belibve were even having this conversation right now. You cant be serious? You can't out him for being gay Lester, that breaks the Love list’s one rule! Not to mention, it’s morally wrong! Oh jeez, I knew that list was a bogus idea…”

“...HA! You wanna talk about the love list?! Your danm right that list truned out to be a curse, and no amount of guilt trips from you or christ coming blow jobs for me will ever make up for that! Why ddidnt you get me a normal birthday gift like socks or god forbid replacing my Arosmith that Kent stole! But it dosent matter now, when I out him the ends will justify the means. You dont get it with some pepole outing is not revenge, it’s a public service. I wouldnt just out him for being gay…but also for being a total serial killer!? Like Jeffery Dahmer, they even have the same hair color!? Blondes, their always up to something.” Kevin stared at me balnly, unconvinced as hell.

“I-I’m serious man! Remember I told you, our first hookup he threated to send me to his murder dongon, and he totally is like addicted to evrthing on the planet, drugs, sex, bad music…I mean have you seen his room, it’s like a wastoid junkie’s stotrange unit”

“Lester…I think it’s past your bedtime?”

“I'm serious dude! What?  You dojnt think im serious? Ha, remmeber a few days ago you had that aids freak out over the love list, well guess what Dr. Feel good? Right before he beat the living shit out of me in the stairwell, he confessed your worst fears true. He said he probably has aids, and so do I!? He causualy dropped the fact that he’s been sleeping with hundreds of male and female groopies FOR YEARS ALL OVER THE COUNRTY! Ane says he refuses to get testsed, all AFTER we already had sex, multiple times!! So…he’s been spreading more then lies arround, thats for sure. And…what he did to you, if harvard finds out-he wont be accepted!? And if his record label finds out what he did to get into Harvard for their album, he’s scrwewed there too!? So that’s three laws, and not to mention society, his bandmates, battle of the bands judges might even rescind!? God knows they cnat affor dthe bad Pr. After tonight, not to mention the shitstort after his deadbeat father in prison and his junkie brother finds out-”

“NO! Lester, you arent going to out him. I know your mad right now, but in the moring I guarantee you’ll be hungover forget all about this shit. This is just all the booze, sore muscles and raw emotion talmking, come on buddy it’s been a long night let’s get thee to bed-” Kev tried to embrace the rage out of me, but I pushed him away, roughly slamming him into the dashboard with a thud!

“No! I’m doing it, and you cant stop me! monday baby! Im outing him, im outing him as a stupid cokcsucking faggy fairy, pedo-aids spreading, big fat Gay homo!!! Im gonna do it, at your stupid fucking graudation ceromomy! In front of evryone, in front of his stupid parrents and band all his dumb junkie freinds, who all will hate him, they will never touch him or look at him the same way again I know how they are! And no it’s not just the ‘emotion talking’ man, I been planning this all month. I know it’s wrong, but…maybe im not the best person man!? Maybe Im not like you,maybe Im not decent and consitrite and endlessly forgiving, maybe I really am just a broken, bitter failure who deserved everything he got in life. The type of person who’s just fine with something like this. Maybe that’s just who I am now….”

“Les, come on. You dont mean that.”

“Oh yes, I do! Come on Kev Im doing it for you! For us!To avenge you, even if you dont want to go Hvard anyway, he still needs to pay for cheating off you! No one cheats orff and takes avangfe of my brother, so im sorry Kev but im outing him, and i’d like to see you try and stop me!”

“No your not.”

“yeah I am! I’ve made up my mind I AM outing Rubin on monday as filthy, voilent, scheeming, depraved fruity homosexual assclown! As one final fuck you to this town before I leave for good. Im surprised your not on my side with this? You hate Rubin, you hate this town, you know this is just in line with all other radical things, you were beating yourself up for never standing up for me all our lives, well heres your chance man! stand by me, let’s Take down Rubin together! Come one, Let’s show them what happens when you mess with the Flatt Brothers!”

“No dude! Where is this coming from man! I dont even believe you wanna do this!”

“I clearly do, otherwise why would I be saying it right now! I’m a good lair, but why woulod I lie about somthing like this?”

“Your not lying your just full of hot shit, and booze. Man,I know you better tnhe you know yourself, and we both know your impuslive, didnt they remove the part of your brain that had all the common sense and stuff when you were born?” 

“Yep, how do you think I got this sick scar”I pushed aside my messy to reveal the massive franikistein stitches arround my skull.

“Oh…I thought it was the, Black sabath CD’s the doctors dropped you on…” 

“Yeah, that too. UGh, What’s your point?”

“That whatever rant about outing Rubin your on right now is litral nonsense man, I know you cant see it now, but in the morning once your absoloute beast of a hangover passes, your gonna be really fucking embrassed once you remmber all the crap your spewing right now. Trust me, happens every time.” 

“What if I dont man. I’ve been planning this for months, I’ve been keeping it inside like a realy dry shit, and I cant hold it anymore! I had to tell you, but clearly that was a big mistake…why do I even try, you NEVER TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!?” I whined. 

“Oh yeah, of course lessie, Never, enevr once. Haha” Kevin’s smiled, as his to tone shifted to sarcastic and dissmissive as If I was just drunkely rambling instead of confessing the depessest secret of my soul to him.

“Why, I'm being so serious right now. I’ve thought this through, like a billion times by now, man!”

“Cuz if you were, you’d have really throught it through, at least a little bit. and clearly you have done no such thing.”

“What are you talking about. I thought this thing through, from here to the passific ocean man! I thought it through, inside out, upstaidodnwn, backwards forward, northwest, clockwise-” I started to get pissed, finally starting to hear my rambling, words slurring and thoughts dulling, evrything trasefered into slow motion as a night full of pain and booze finally hit. I leaning back in  my carseat, feeling dizzy and queezy as my heatrate rose, evrthing was slow with a drunken haze but also hot with anger. blood and the long long pent up devil that the Exorcist couldnt get out. I Looked at my beloved brother, talk down to me with infurunataingly kind eyes in the face of my worst break down yet. I just clenched my fists against the car seat arm rests and grit my teeth, prepared for the worst to come. Oh I knew it, I should have never told him, now he’s gonna try and talk me out of it, and probaly tell mom and dad and the whoel danm school board knowing him…god danm it! The grave, god danm it I should have just kept my big mouth shut!”

“Becuase if you thought your little plan throiugh, you would know by outing him, you’d be outing yourself too. Because nautarully how the hell did you ever find out he was gay, evryone will assume you are too, and we all know you would do anything to avoid that. ”

“No I know. But It’s worth it. It’s called mutarlly assured discrutycion, dumbass” As I said this, I felt the black super 8 tape, our sex tape, in my leather pant’s butt pocket poke into my tender buttcheek (he’s been through alot this week)as if to alert me to the one piece of blackmail I haddnt told Kevin about yet.

“Really? I dont believe you Les, your fucking watsed come on, I shouldnt even be talking to you right now your not gonna remmebr shit tomarrow, come here give me your arm, let’s get you inside before you become a beer blob, come on-”

“No! Stop treating me like a baby, Kevin! I can hold my liccor why are you acting like I cant all of a sudden! Ive mad eup my mind, I dont care that they know im gay, I’m tried of hiding besies I have nothing left to loose anymore. I made up my mind, I have to do this, so either help me or get the fuck out of my way.”

“But les…What about your career? You dont want to be outed now, before you even get your foot in the indunsury, you always told me you wanted to be like Elton jhon, be onviously gay but never formally come out to the public till your six feet under in a glitetry grave!? You dont want to out him or yourself, trust me you wil regret it man I know you! Dont throw your whole life away, espiclaly not over of somone this pitiful, and something this petty…come on, dude. it’s not wroth it.”

“Yes it is, man. Im telling you, I thought it over, Im never gonna see any of thease people again, it doesnt matter what I do, or who I fucked, I wont ever have to face the music, but I’ll leave them in flames, the least I could do. Besides, im so good at Lying by now, you tought me so well Kev, but I’d like to try telling the truth for once.”

“But it’s not just your truth to tell!! Why is revenge suddenly so improtrant to you?”

“It’s not rvenge Kev, It’s just the truth. it doesn't bite. Rubin’s not ecstasy discrete, everyone wil find out eventually.”

“But Les, I shouldnt have to explain to you why telling everyone before he’s ready isnt ok. His parents will kill him, more then ours ever will for me not getting into fucking Harvard. His family is poor I heard his dad used to beat him and his brother for crying when his mother died, before he was arrested I used to ride past their house and see him screaming at Rubin for playing music too loud, he threated to punch him and screamed until he cried, when he did his dad just called him gay and got even angerer.”

“What do I care, evryone’s got fucked up dads round here. ”

“But if you tell everyone he’s gay, he might not live to tell the tale. Heard his dad’s getting out of prison on Monday. Do you really want his blood on your hands? Is that really what you want your legacy to be here? Besides our dad, mom and trent even our band no garntee they wont give you hell for it too!? And no guarantee I can preotect you from all of them once they know your gay, let alone you outed a local celbrity like him, do you really want that?”

 “What would it matter anyway? It’d just be another thing for them to hate me for, it wouldnt make things any worse then they already are.  Besides once you leave for princeton, Im out of here, and I can be and fuck and do whatever the hell I want, free of judgemt. I wont have to fear the losers in Ewing, NJ anymore! Only two more days and I’m getting the hell out of doge!”

“You are huh? Where will you go? Without your band, or your family, or any money or career plan where will you go, man? What? you’ll just ride off into the sunset in someone elses car, and then, what? wing it, figure it out on the open road, Ride to NY and try to start a new band with five dollar sin your pocket like in all your childish, rock roll fantasies. Outruning all your issues, with new crowds, ditasince, and drugs to drown out your past and gulity consince, is that it Lester, is that the plan? For  me to lie awake at night in princeton when I shoudlbe studying, wondering where you are, and if your still alive? After all we been through, is that really the plan. To end it all like this and taint all our years of hard work with revenge? Wow, Les im gonna be honnest, I thought you were better then that.”

“BUT KEVIN!!! RUBIN CANT GET AWAY WITH THIS!!! I CANT JUST LET HIM, WATCH HIM AND HIS SMUG FACE RUB IT IN, WITH HIS HARVARD AND HIS RECOD DEAL AND HIS SPRADING A DEDLY VIRUS ALL OVER THE EAST COAST WHEN, WH DO I ALWAS HAVE TP BE THE ONE TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY, HUH? WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO COMPRMISE, TO CHANGE, TO LIE…WHEN’S THEIR TURN! KEV IM TIRED OF IT, IF THIS WHAT “REAL LIFE” IS LIKE, I WANT NO PART IN IT!! I WANT OUT!”

“LESTER! COME DOWN, PLEASE!” 

“HE KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN MAN! HE KNEW, HE KNEW I’D LOOSE IT, HE KNEW HE’D GET AWAY WITH IT, AND THE WORST PART IS HE DOESNET CARE, HE’S DONE THIS A MILLION TIMES BEFORE! I CANT STOP SEEING HIM, MAN, HE’S EVEYWHERE, JUDGING ME, TAUNTING ME, LAUGHING AT ME…!”

I truned red from pent up rage, flying into some kind phsoctic tailespin, loosing touch with reality at a rapid rate. I was hinking about Rubin too much, my hatred for him had taken over, I was seeing him all over now, seeing him all over the car ceeling, in all the windows, on the walls,he was everywhere, moving closer, laughing louder crowling towards me!? His blond curly hair impossibly pretty face, huge lips laughing hystracialy, taunting like the cover of mad magazine, laughing at me, I couldnt stop seeing him, everywhere, laughing at me, screaming and smiling every horrible thing he’d ever said to me, I couldnt escape him now.

 

Out of fear, I averted my gaze down on the crocth of my Leather pants, was Rubins mug, laughing back at me, then I looked back up at Kevin’s concerned face, terffiied, only for Rubin’s face to appear across his, still cackliang eyes wide with his sphydoicly wide emile, like some kind of coked up Cheshire Cat. Finally I broke, reality was cracking all arround me it felt like I was the first person to die in evry horror movie. I screamed like a crazy fucker, no dount waking our nahboirs and their german sherpaerds chained up outside, I kicked and scotted away from Kevin while he was possessed by Rubin at breakneck speed. I leaped out of the car, stumbling back onto the dark stidealk setting off the automatic porchlight. I began panting and heaving, the cold night air had hit me, and I tried closing my eyes and scraming until Rubin went away, but I started feeling his hands all over my body, touching and squeezing, and kissing and sucking, and punching, hitting, beating-just like dad–I couldn't escape them, I screamed so loud I lost my voice, crying and shaking into my arm, fighting off Kevin’s concerned arms, until I blacked out, felt nothing, saw nothing,

was nothing, in the dead of night, until the sun rose over Flatearth Hill restarting the cycle. The dust still haddent settled.

Chapter Six

For Flea 

Saturday, Concert Day.

I came to some time later, curled up in a little ball in my bed, with Kevin Besdie me. Mom and Dad were nowhere to be seen or heard, before I could get out of bed or ask any important questions I was hit like a psychic enegry transfer, with the most OUTRAGOUS HANGOVER OF ALL TIME DUDE! I clucthced my pounding head in distrugunted anguish, moaning, pusing strands of my messy mop out of my barely open eyes. Kev handed me a cup of tamtao juice, and smiled warmy as I took it…apreinsivly with shaking hands.

“Drink up, hangover will be gone by the time we get there.”

“-Thanks man” I said chucking the bloody mary slop, despite how gross it looked.

“Man, what the hell happened last night?” I asked, in the tone rock stars are supposed to ask that question. It was a half lie, I remmber most of the disaster that was last night, up untill Rubin won the battle apretty much balcked out after that. But I just wanted to see how much Kev remembered, the sober bastard.

“Pfft, Last night? Who cares, man! last night was so0000…24 hours ago! Come on get up get ready, we should have hit the road by now but someone needed his beauty sleep…” Ok, so he’s in denial. He’s just doing his classic “live in the moment” bullshit, I have to admit this is m worst hangover in a bit, better start getting used to mroings like these, once I get famous, every night will be a party and every moiring will be a historic hangover, I’ll have to preform hungover…holy shit, how do they do it?

I tried to remmber more form last night, all I can recall is last night us getting booed off the stage at battle of the bands, Rubin playing Dirty Harry, and winning and…man, that really is is the last thing I remember. Dude, last night was a total blur…oh shit, did I even tell Kev the truth about Harvard? Oh shit did I tell him too much…did I tell him about my revenge plot last night!? Dear god I hope not.

I could hear Kevin getting ready in the other room, while I just stared off into space, trying not to let the question of what happened last get to me. But if it was anything like our set I don't want to know. I could Kevin outside starting his car, while I still lay in bed, chugging away at my tomato juice like a champ. Suddenly Kevin, clad in the shortest Jean shorts I've ever seen one of my old Red Hot Chili Peppers tank top that shrunk in the wash, he was wearing brand new Red Adias with a white stripe down the sides. He was had a massive hiking pack strapped to his back, it sreached higher then his head, bound tight by a beaded cherokee headband.

Wow Princeton boy, you really think they’ll let you into lectures dressed like that? This new Kevin will need some getting used to, he r

“Lester what are you doing!? Come on get dressed, were gonna be late!”

“Late for what man? It’s Saturday!”

“THE CHILIES CONCERT, DUDE!!” 

“Holy Shit, that’s today?”

“You know it brotha!? It’s gonna be the show of the summer!”

Kevin started dancing in my doorway, as he wiped out those shinny purple tickets, waving them in front of his eyes like a fan as he bit his lip nodding his head up and down slowly. 

“No fucking way” 

“Get dressed.” He said before dispearing into the other room.

“shit, shit, shit…” I began to hyperventile as I rolle dout of bed flopping on the floor. Still in my clothes from the night before, stinky Leather now sticking to my skin and rubbing into my untreated probely now infested bruises all over my body and face. Trying to scramble up to get ready as fast as I humanly could while stil being insanley hungover, bumbling and unprepared.

“Hurry up, ya don't wanna keep Flea waiting!” Kevin shouted from the other room.

“I’m going as fast I can, man! Quit rushing me!” I screamed, as I fell on my ass gain trying to pull these god-damn leather straps off my chubby, tender legs. I needed to find the best outfit possible, never have the stakes been higher for me to look the part, the part of a true blue rocker, not just a fan, the type to be taken seriously, and not for granted. 

All I could think of now were those purple sparkling tickets between Kevin’s perfect fingers, the thought of them and all they repsenet lit my eyes up with wonder, as suddenly my hangover decided to peace out, and I threw my covers off and started frantically throwing an outfit together. The thought of the Chillies and the chance to finally see my rock gods, my Idol’s closer then ever before, really put things in perspective. Instantly reminded what trully mattered in this world. Bad Decisons or any other band of mine, would never be able to hold a candle to them. But that’s the natural order of things, that’s the way it should be, Band’s like the Stones, Guns n Roses, Whitensnake, Anthrax, Posion, and Bon Jovi are cream of the crop right now. But their the old guard, and with everyone talking about Disco taking over, The Chillies are the future, they are so much more Raw, and untethered, uncorpate, then any other rock band rocking today. That’s why being a Chillies fan isnt just a pastime, it’s a way of life. A time honored trisdiosn I take seriously. Unlike Rubin, and other fake rockers I take my devotion to my rock gods more seriously then my own inevitable but comparatively fringe career, and massive hulking ego. Rubin doesnt have any influences, gods or idols in his sights…just dollar bills, but that will get him nowhere. And dont forget it, after I’m through with his sorry ass tomorrow, he wont be getting much of anywhere anymore, once everyone know’s his dirty secrets. The thing about it is, Lying isnt just about what you say, but what you dont. And I couldn't possibly live with myself if I continued to allow Rubin to lie to them through his stupid bleached teeth, by omitting all the Homo cannodiling, Heartbreaking, cheating, and pure outragous sacandlouness! The kind of stuff that will make any decent, all american, listener plug his ears and burn his records in a heartbeat. But now, as my hangover still…hung over me I tried to get dressed at breakneck speed, without ralphing in the process from all the sheer heading banging and bouncing arround. But it was refreshing how much my mind was cleared, Rubin as shitty as he was…Is, and as much as he hurt me and probably more ways than I can remember right now, didnt even cross my mind. I just couldn't bring myself to care about him right now. I was so excited to see Flea and the chillies I could hardly focus on Rubin or anything bad related to last nighright now, it was the first time all week my mind was truly free from Rubin’s shackles. This concert, Kevin always somehow knows exactly what I need and when I need it. I lost myself a little trying to prove to many things to many people, Kevin was right the battle of the band never mattered, I was never gonna get famous that way. Nothing matters when your in high school, man, your not really a person yet. But Kevin was right, this is the end of an era, everyone leaves high scroll with different paths in mind, I mean hell everyone know’s Kevin will do great at Harvard…Princeton? I can't remember if I told him, either way, he’ll kill it anywhere he goes. But college isnt for me, but now that I dont have a band wherever life takes me now I’m sure It will rock, I man Anothy Keddis himself went to University of California before he was in RHCP!? Anything is possible man, I feel now a renewed sense of freedom and possibility. I think I need to strike out on my own, and go back to my roots, my Flea covered roots. Flea has always been there for me when I need him moist, when all else in life seems scary and ulcer, Flea has always been there to show me the way. Now come on Kevin, take me to church, Holy Rock gods forgive me now, for we will sin tonight. 

As quickly as I could, I pulled on my Leather pants, leather jacket, not having had time to shower I sprayed myself with as much Fabsrche callonge I had left in the shitty little bottle. I pulled on my oldest, favorite Black chilies shirt that I wear literary every day, considering wearing one of my many, many stolen tour shirts from over the years. But I didn't want them to know how big of a afan I was…or ya know…how long I've been stalking them. Unless they already know in which case, three bears isn't quite enough, tonight calls for a full sixer. I finally threw on Kevin’s Bruce Springsteen leather jacket but then, in a spur of psychotic last minuteness, I threw on the brand-new Leather jacket, from Trash and vaudeville that i’d worn on stage last night, the inside smelled like piss, and moral degradation, my blood stain still tained the sleeves. But before I put it on, I grabbed some white and red spray paint from under my bed, and spray-painted the words. “Flea’s 1# fan” drawing their band logo underneath. What? They're my favorite band, I might never see them live again, I couldn't help drawing attention to myself, this is my one chance to impress Flea, and redeem myself. If the rock gods redeem all my sins tonight, then…smooth sailing, man. Dude! I can't believe I'm finally gonna see Flea in the flesh, for the first time!! No more sneaking around behind their shows, stalking Flea, Anthony, Jack, and Hilliel, (mostly Flea) while getting changed in their trailers, and talking…private photos for my personal collection. (They were all very tasteful, don't worry) No more getting thrown out by bouncers, and put on watch lists for having fake tickets and put on watch lists and registrars, and being banned from three separate Venues in Delaware !? Not more being called a  “physco fan” for my unrivalled devotion.  But it’s fine, I know they're just jealous, they’ll never love anything as much as I love Flea. 

“LESTER, YOU DONE IN THERE!? SHOW STARTS IN AN HOUR WE GOTTA HIT THE ROAD!!” Kevin said, impataly knocking on my door so hard I could hear my hinges rattling.  So after pulling up and tying my doc martin’s, threading my studded belt through my leather pants, and pulling it as tight as it goes, till I felt my belly squeeze and strain under the pressure. Finally fully dressed, decked out and looking bodacious as hell, I took one last look in the mirror, before heading out the door.

“You look awesome”

“You look awesome”

“You look awesome”

“You look awesome”

“You look awsome, and sexy, and most trumphently exallent. And worthly to bask in Flea’s holy image.” I reparted the montra one last time,till I almost believed it. I stared into my stattic reflection one second more, took a deep breath, and swung my bedroom door wide open. Kevin was leaning in my doorway still, looking more jazzed then Louis Armstring and his hot five. 

“Ayyyyyyy, looking good, man. Wow, so your really married to Leather now, huh?” Kev said, caressing the lining of my leather Jacket. What did he mean now? Leather had been my look on and off stage for a whole week now, it may as well be my trademark!? 

“In sickness and in heath.” I chuckled, spinning around sowing off my badass rags from all angles and vantige points.

“Flea’s Number one fan…?!” Kevin read skeptiky from the back of my jacket, while rolling his eyes. 

“That’s not tacky at all…this is not what I’d call “Playing it cool” dude, especially considering your history with the band-”

“Chullax, dude it’s not like Flea’s gonna see it, unless of corse I used glow in the dark spray paint…witch I totally didn't! Ha ha”Expect I totally DID dude! Flea’s totally gonna see it, he’s gonna stop playing and evrything just to thank me for showing up, he will be so happy to see his number one fan in the flesh, he will be wigging out so hard, he’ll stage dive, and crowd surf right too me. Our eyes will meet under the pale blue spotlight, as the crowd will cheer drowining us in admiration and enternest heartfelt support, as he lifst me on stage with him, his beautiful bald head radiating comfort and traquinity like a fully formed rock n roll Budhha. And we will jam till on that stage togethr, great rock n roll ballads till armegedon comes. Just Fan and Rockstar, Man and Lover, Student and Entor, Slave and his Master. Just Two richioious souls, seprtaed by life and it’s devidiing bullshit, now fated to be one.

“Ha, well, you look great. Ay, Wait..no so fast buddy-” He said blocking my doorway, with stern parental conviction. What gives dude, You and your booty shorts need to move out of the way man! What’s the point of holding me up now man, I thought we were late? He looked down at me, both figuirtivly and literally. 

“Did you finish your tatamto juice.”

“yeah, totally man.”

“Cup?” I relized I barley drank it, but who cares now. Hangover’s basically gone, I was to exited for the concert now to be hungover!

“Ughhhhhhhh, why, it was so goody!”

“No Lester, we're not leaving till you finish it.” Kev, you gotta be kidding me! He went inside my room, and picked up the tomato juice from my beside table and shoved it back inmy face while crossing his arms and leading me onto the front porch.

“Nah, get that bloody puke sause outta here man! That stuff is Majorly Henious dude,it smells like Modly Weggies and expired baby food! Besides hangover’s are a natural part of the human experience, the founding fathers were drinking bruski’s on the rubicoin man, it’s primal! 

“Primal? Are you seeriously telling you wanna be a spaz and keep your hangover at the most epic concert of your life?” Kevin asked tauntigly, dangling the drunk under my nose, almost spilling it on the front porch steps. His face then morphed, from nagging to burded. He held open the car door for me like agentleman holding the door for the ladies to board the titanic. I slid into the passengeser seat before he slide into the drivers seat beside me, beaming up at the cloudless sky . Kevin took just a muntitle of relish, basking in the glory of his freshly polished Hummer, his not our fathers, witch was the best part of all. I dont know when he had time to celan it since last night but the bad boy was shinning like a greaasers bald cap. The roofless 87’s H1 hummer looked like more of an army jeep and was such a bueaty in our parking spot, just imagine how smooth she’ll sail on the open highway, Kevin was captain of the babe michicne, I could already see at the burst blouses and turned heads, evryopnes gonna think were part of the band or something when we roll up in a royal corvertette like this, the kind of car that smells like sex, looks like greased lighting, feels like a woman, and rolls like rock n roll…only slightly over the speed limit. Kevin quickly snapped out of it, almpst creeping at the sight of his own dream mobile, he forgot all about my hangover tango. He was almost hestiant to rememdy my hangover, thus having my memeories restroied. Almost as if somthing happened last night he didint want me to remmber. Jeez, I hope to god and Flea that I didnt tell him that he didnt get into Havrad, and my plan to satbtaoge Rubin. Or at least if I did, I hope Kevin didnt take it too hard. Or he’s just denying whatever happened after the battle, because he wants us to focuous on the concert, because he’s a good guy and that’s probably why he’s keeping his trap shut about last night…for now, anyway. Because like litartaty every other time I overthink things, Kevin is probvaly just being a good guy and looking out for me and doing his best to ensure we have a good time, and nothing more. 

Either way…ignorance is bliss, and I dont wanna relive last night just yet, if he doesnt want to tell me what happened it’s probably for the best. However It doesnt make the mytry any less irielating, Kevin made it look so easy to ignore but the gaps in my memory continued to nag, and distract me from the car, the concert and any fun to be had in the ill fated present momment. I knew they would boil over sooner or later, hangovers dont give you full blown dementia, my menoires would flood back sooner or alter hopefully not aconuied by a bitchin case of the runs. I know we cant ignore what happenbd last night forever, but if I could I probably would always be hungover, remembering all the shitty secrest and lowest flauires of the past is honestly something I would give up anything to live without. It feels like I’ve always got unfinished business somewhere and I’ll never be able to live in the momment in a true Kevin sort of way, but tonight I wanted to try, if not for me then for Kevin who spent alot of money and time planning this night for us, this might be one of the last truly rock n roll times we’ll have before college. However he music was the only way any “momment living” was on todays agenda, so Kevin bet your ass were listining to the radio on this ride, and im picking the station, no top forty springstein the entire way to Atlantic City, or I'm not going anywhere. 

“Nice wheels, Kev!” I said, running my hand along the sleek edges of the roofless hummer, sighing as the cool breeze flowed through my misjectic maine. 

“Yeah man, with me you know your travling in style, my brother!’ Kevin declared, biting his lip and squeezing the steering wheel for dear life. He tossed his big hiking pack in the trunk with a thud, as he adjusted the Bruce Springstein bobble head on the dashboard and shoved his shinny carkey’s into the ignition without skipping a beat. He smiled at me, raising his eyebrows, mouthing the words “Let’s motor” at me, pumping me up for the gods, before flipping his shades over his pale green eyes. He put on his seatbelt…urging me to put mine all as well, It was so lame but I beggruginly agreed. Ah Kevin, still a narc at heart dispite his cool concert boy transformation, he couldn't help reminding me it’s still Kevin under all that spandex and hairspray. Steabelts…I mean who does that, what are we, five?

“Dude, Seatbelts are so un-rock n roll” 

“Yeah so is not dying, dude!”

“Ugh, fine! Only because Anatic city is full of carjackers, and I’m to pretty not to get kidnapped so.”Kevin rolled his eyes at me smiled and shook his head as he drove past all the calldasck sacks of shit linning our subheban hellstrip. I yanked the strap over my chest filled with not enough smoke, and buckled it so aggressively to make my butthurt felt, heard and understood. Who am I kidding, my butthurt can never be understood, nor my reguaur hurt for that matter. 

“Thanks see how hard was that?’

“Near impossible”

“Hey look Dude, Hamburger hill” He pointed up at the little grassy patch lined by fencing as we merged into the freeway. Was that hamburger hill, it’s hard to tell from way down here…I waved at our hill, almost like an imgrant waving a hienkechef at their deprarting loved ones as their ship sets sail for America. I waved, as if the hill was alive and would miss our wet butts keeping it company like they did the last 15 yeards. To Kev’s bittersweet bemusment, I kept waving long after we merged into traffic, like I was saying a frantic, cut short emotionally stunded goodbye. Like it was really over, as that hill faded into the distsince, along with all our memoires atop its glorious peak. I flincthed with emotional concgegstion wtching it fade into the rearview mirror like a ghost or a stop sign. That hill represented everything pure and righteous about me and Kevin’s relationship, our hopes, and dreams, our childhood, or what we wished it was. Damn, I know I'm going soft but, what I wouldn't give to go there one last time, to just veg out under the stars to the sound of ACDC, the distant highway hum, hanging on Kevin’s every affirming platitude. Kevin just looked at me somehow without ever averting his eyes from the raod, and smiled softly, almost as if he was tuned into my latest longing.

“Dont worry buddy, we’ll be back”

“Back where?” Sometimes I forget he can read minds.

“Flatt Earthers hill, man! Oh, dont look so bummed dude, it’s not goin anywhere, we’ll  be back before I leave town, dont you worry…”

“But when we leave, there just gonna bulldose over it man, their gonna build another highway right through it, like we were never even here man! It’s like a metaphor for corportate greed man, dont you get it!?” 

“No, actually that metaphor to advanced for me, could you dumb it down to my level?” 

“I’m serious man, That hill is all we got, it’s OUR hill, ours! We have to leave our mark!-otherwise hows any future twonies gonna know they had two rock n roll legands living in their mitst-thats just not fair to them! They deserve to know who paved the way, and what hill they escaped off to on saturday nights! ”

“I see, I see your right Lester, this is a very dire sistuation Lester, up the up most impoirtanat in fact the entire world is clearly at stake, and we dont have much time.”He said in a faux serious tone, mokcing me im sure but, his sarcasm always stumped me.

“ha ha very funny man, so just forfget it-”

“-So we must plant a flag! A flag that claims flat earthers hill as property of Lestr and Kevin Flatt, and only lester and Kevin flatt forever untill the world subbcombs to nuclear anihhlation. Anyone else stepping foot in the hill will be zapped and shrink down to the size of an ant, despite the fact it’s state property and we have no jusrrstcition to enforc esuch an edict in the state of New Yearsy. But nevertheless, we still must plant a flag, because it was our hill and our hill it must stay….”

“Actully Kev, when you say it like that…witch YOU just said…not me, hehe, you got it all wrong, it goes against evryhing we stand for!”

“So, what shall we do then?”

“Plant a flag, that declares the hill “property of rock n roll” a place for all the young wiward kids who will come agftr us, who feel like they have no placed in the world, who feel rejected and lost but have the spsirt of rock inside them but are fobbiden to jam, and are told they’ll never get good enough to achieve their dreams, our hill is for them…to rock out, to listen to Acdc into the tall hours o the night, and to be one safe rock on higher ground in a universe of lava. I herbye rename Flat Earthers Hill as “Rock n roll hill” for the the children!! Let them rock for life liberity and the persuit of happiniss. Even though ya know the flag is just gonna get taken down in a week anyway…”

“Rock n roll hill, has a nice ring to it. Well by the time you visut this town again for your victory tour, you’ll own a million hills, maybe even the Hollywood Hills….though if you ask me, Mack Lasher’s more likley to chill on cpatoil hill, testifying for congress for all kinds of human rights…Oh shit dont let me miss the next exixit!”

It’s times like these where I cant imagine my life with Kev, living in the momment is actully…somtimes, most of the time…a pretty funky fresh philsophy, espically right now. Im more then ready to enjoy something uncomplicated, and real for once, something I spent my entire life looking forward to building up without all the typical bullshit of life infecting our bodacious youth like the plague that wiped out the Hobbits. Kev’s eyes were lazer focused on teh road, as he wizzed inbetween big rigs, and pick up trucks with drunk drivers with ease, saying in his lane to a impossible degree. It was a long drive to Anatic city and we were already late, so I reached for the radio the only thing this perfect moment needs is some tunes. But before I could turn it on, Kevin smacked my hand away shoving that supid cup of tomato puke in my face again, before dropping it into the cupholder between us. I wa shopping he forgot about this, im not even hungover man, im not even hung! (Well, not compared to Rubin anyway)But Kev just wanst letting this hnagover, totamtover-thing go, was he!?

“BUt-”

“NO Butts, we all get hungover, so we all death with it like adults, drink up for im pulling over and force feeding it to you through the exchahust pipe!”

“This is so un rock n roll man, Niki Six never downs after-skunk tamato juice, thats the lamest thing Ive ever seen!”

“Well Lester for better or worse, Right now at…11:34am, your not Niki Sixx”

“What? Your wrong man, I'm just like all my fellow rock deieties man, we all get hungover and take it with pride! Like were so busy touring and sighing and getting lost in expensive blimp orgies, we never have time to pee or check that the curcuclation in our wrists havent sopped, Let alone have time for hnagover curealls. We cant all expect to have tomato juice on tap, we never sleep, never slow down, and never talk about last night if our lawyer isnt present. You cant expect me to do this kind of thing every single moring, especially on tour that’s just impossible levels of impossible man! you know, I should get used to riding the morning after wave while I still have my liver intact, it’s good for the soul.” 

“Fine, but don't come crying to me when you get the runs as soon as they start playing your favorite song.”

“Blackeyed Blonde!? No, that’s the worst song to get the runs too!”

“See…look this concert is for you man, live your truth, get the runs to your hearts content, during the high chorus of any song man, I'm not stopping you. Just don't say I didn't warn you. ” He said picking up the cup and shoving it back in my face while still looking at the road but waiting for me to take it beore his hand could rejoin the wheel. Finally, I rolled my eyes and picked my battles.

“Ugh, gimme that!” I snatched the tamato jucie cup from his fraile grasp, knocking back the cup letting all the icky warm tamato joice flowed down my parched throught, even spilling some on Kevin’s sqeeky clean dash board before tossing the cup off the side of the road. Kevin smirked, proud of me for drinking all of it, he didnt even notice that I littered. I stuck my tongue out at him with spite before a huge Dragon Fly, buzzed over and perched on the tip of my tounge before I opened my eyes to see it’s massive wings and beady kalalodiuscope eyes staring back at me. I screamed like a baby kitten as It flew away. I scraped my tongue desprapatly to remove the feeling of creepy crawly bug feet, sending Kevin into a fit of laughter.

“Ewwwwwwwwwww, Thats not FUNNY MAN!” I squealed red in the face as Kevin just kept laughing, wheezing, tearing up and loosing breath he cackled so hard. Jesus being orally attacked by a giant insect from the offroad bog isnt the hight of comedy Kevin seems to think it is. This is punching down at it’s finest. I thought Kevin was above shock humor, anyway. I rolled my eyes, and slumped back in the seat, humiliated and in desperate need for a vibe switch. I could already tell, this was gonna be a long ride. 

“Are we there yet?” I asked

“Lester you cant be serious, we just got on the road!”

“How long will it be till we get thereeee, I would have woken up sooner if I knew this shit was today, I cant be late for Flea, he’s gonna be so mad at me if I’m late to his show - I just know it man! I can't live with Flea being mad at me, I would rather die!!” 

“Woah there cowboy! We’re making good time, if traffic stays this way we’re golden. Look, we’re coming up on Trenton now, only about an hour and a half till we get to Atlantic city, see, half of Bad Decion’s sets were three time that long.”

“No doy! I knew that…”

“Relax dude, Flea is a chill dude, he wont mind its a concert people flow in from all over at all times. It’s not Ms. Hueingburg’s math class, your not gonna get any demerits for being tardy. Haha, Besides you know the drill, this isn’t your first Chillies show…not by a long shot.”

“Yeah, but it’s the first one I paid for!”

“Well…techincly I paid for-”

“Yeah same thing, but it’s the first one I didnt sneak arround back to just to get a look a flea, take some pitures backstage only to get thrown out before I could see, or hear anything real! Now, is different, were gonna have the true rock n roll experience, man. Finally were’ seeing the Chilli’s the way God intended.”

“Amen brother! This calls for some tunage.” Kevin said cheerfully turning on the car radio. I leaned back with the wind in my face, I had waited all day for Kev’ to shut up and put the Led on. Now it was just us and the open road. There was just something about a good rock tune, a nice car and the open road that just made sense. 

I was expecting the best songs to play this time of day, lunch time on a Saturday only the creme of the rock crop especially as we entered Cape May territory, 102.3 FM, Contemporary Pop radio baby the stuff was always more stacked than whatever soundtrack for the hicks, and the Jesus lovers in the wasteland, aka Ewing’s Radio station. I was expecting some ACDC, the Stones, maybe even some timely Chillies to cut through the static but instead it was anything but.

Just my luck, the song “Here I go again” By Whitensake came on blaring. In an instant, twisting my high sprits into sour disgust.

“Change it.”

“Eye eye capatin.” Kev said, turning the radio nob swiftly.

But to my dismay, the second I let my guard down, Cherry Pie By Warrent came on!? No, not again!? Where is all the rock n roll man? I was simply mortified this station is usually so trust worthy, but I became even more apuualled when I saw Kevin enjoying himself and singing along!? No, Kev have you learned nothing! This isnt good rock, this is bottom of the barrel sell out shlock, ugh!

“She’s my Cherry pie! Cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise-” 

“SHUT UP KEV! Ugh, just change it”

“What!? Dont you like this song?”

“Do I-like-Are you seriously asking me that-you know what nevermind, I’ll do it, I gotta do everything myself today-”

“Hey!” Kev yelled as I reached over to change the station one last time. Kevin tried to stop me, sweving the car arround some trucks blocking the freeway, almost getting so distracted by the radio he missed our next exit. His map of the Garden state to get to alatinic city almost blew off the dashboard as he rolled his eyes. Third time’s a charm, come on play something good, please, rock Gods I dont ask for much, just do this one thing for me, and I promise I will never complain again. 

I sighed and sat back, waiting for the radio host to shut up in their lead in to the next track. Brancing myself for the inescapable opening baseline of Slow Ride, Layla, or Dont fear the reaper to come on, and fill the swelling bass and vibrate through our funky, starving veins syncing up perifcily with the bouncing rythm of the Hummer on it’s way past the stairway to Heaven, down the Highway to hell.

But instead, because I cant just have nice things, I was met with the insuffrible growl of none other then, D. Snider. As I Wanna Rock By univerually aknolawged, worst rock band of all time, Twisted Sister came on. This was my final straw, I buried my face in my knees and undid my seat belt needing to free myself for a true expression of my anguish and profound turmoil. Kevin, in his infinite brilliance thought now was a perfect time to turn up the volume and sing so obnoxiously he was louder then the song, clearly in a sappy, asinine, and misguded atempt to get me to sing along with him.

I finally rolled my eyes and just shut off the radio entirely, slinkling back into my seat, in disappointment and aimless fury. The radio being a perfect microcosm of my life and the intense uphill missery I was suffering at the moment, becoming so clear it brought me right back down to bummerville all over again again, god damn it! Kev just signed, looking me up and down.

“Ok, Mr. Picky, Put your seat belt on?” Kevin said nonchalantly trying to keep his eyes on the road, driving faster then the speed limit now to make it to Atlantic City on time. He was swriving and speeding past big rigs, loosers on scooters, police cruisers, firetruckers, herses and hippie Busses. We even buzzed past a motorcycle gang, a few of the burliest members, clad in leather and gang tattoos, hollered at us, reconizing us from the battle of the bands the night before. Kevin foolishly waved back, owning our mockery, I just tried to hide my face behind Kevin’s bandana, snatching it from his head. But it was no use, the Biker dudes, still reconized me, and one even blew me a kiss before driving away. To this Kevin just laughed, and I sulked. Reputations, are like Twisted Sister, no matter how god awful they are, once their out in the world, you can never get them out of your head.  I had to manatin some integrity, despite whatever the fuck happened last night, and the uncertain state of our band and our future at the moment, I had to remind Kevin of my vituires on rock n roll, witch despite what others have told you, have never changed. 

   “It’s just those songs are everwhere Kev, it’s like cult indorcnation, they think if they played Cherry Pie enough times like mantras, they will somehow convince us it’s a good song. Well im not so easily brainwashed, and you shouldnt be either Kev, were not sheep. Bad music shouldnt be promoted as if it’s good, people will start to get confused kev, not everyone is as Rock-savy as us, those poor inconcent teens and truckers running around New Jearsy being cruelly drirpivied of good music by corpotate Amercia and their taste making minions!? Pretty soon no one will know what good Rock from Trash like Warrent and Twisted Sister, before long they wont even know the diffrence between Murder and Childbirth, Chllin and Slavery, Love and Hate, War and Peace, Russia and Cheeseburgers, MORALS AND RUBIN!?? Where will we draw the line!?”

“Ha, Lester…no offense buddy, but I dont think your the most qualifed to be deciding what consitutes good rock n roll, espically after Last night’s episode.”

“Last night was a fluke, you said you yourself! But we’re still leagues above that collection of used mops and clown makeup masquerading as a rock band, known as Twisted Sister!”

“At least Twisted Sister has a record deal…” Ok Kev, that was cold.

“Seriously, that station has seriously gone downhill they used to play great stuff!” 

  “Ok, we get it, Twisted Sister and the like are too mainstream for the subversive high teastes of Mack Lasher, the greatest most sophisticated complex, artistic, non-sell out rocker in all of human history! We woudlnt want you to barf at the sounds of top forty radio, that such peasants listen too while cleaning up after chruch revivals, and making babies in their pick up trucks. We should have just waited till we got to new york, when Frank Zappa, or the Velvet Underground came on so your soul can be restored.”

“Ha ha, very funny. Hey tell me next time you device to time travel to the future, instead of stalking my future so called “clebiety” self, why dont ya get yourself a sense of humor, I hear in the future people have those.”

“Yeah! Great Idea man, tell you what, while im there, why not pick up a device that can play any rock song, at any time, in the palm of your hand, so we never have to fight over the radio ever again.”

“Pfft, they’ll never invent such a thing! The fabric of spacetime would calpose!”

“I donno, thats the thing about the future, everything calpuoses eventually, even the fabric of space time, Entisen’s theory says the universe is contasnly expanding and it will never stop, so eventually, it’s just gonna cloapose in on itself man, like in that disney star wars rip off, the black hole…”

“Shut up Nerd…save it for ur buddies at princton.” I muttered, having already accepted the fact I’d long since lost the argument, the plot, and my train of throught.

“Seriously though man, it’s just the Radio. Be patient, soon were gonna see your favroite band, live, no more of this sifting through static, bad dastions bullshit. Right now, this shit is just for the road man, chill your brains. Not all rock music needs to be top dollar every single time, sometimes shit can just be a good time man, and that’s all it needs to be.”

“Speaking of a good time…you know considering my esietsinve history of immersive up close, band encounters-”

“Stalking…but go on-”

“As I was syaing-it would be a major bummer if we came all this way to see my favriote band, and didnt even get to meet Flea in person…since you know, despite my, *ahem* etsneive carrer of trying to meet him, I never actully have.”

“I mean…That would be righteous, for sure. But I thought I told you, I didnt get VIP tickckest man, I still couldnt blow that kind of cash, dad’s car money still barley covered these bad boys…” I drooed in disappointment, sagging down into my seat where I sagged so low, I almost slid out of my seat into the bottom of the car, like miserable melted goo. But then Kev got that mischievous look he gets whenever he’s lying and knows it. 

‘However I did…get a number.”  Kevin said, averting his gaze down to the bottom left cornner of his map, where a four digit number was scribbled in faint pencil, so light I didnt even notice it untill now. Kev, smiling confidinclity like a man about to cure cancer, turned the radio back on again, this time to 88.9 FM the Atlantic City sation, proof were getting close. Before I could open my mouth wide enough to gasp, I heard the voice of the peppy host reading the winners of the coveted Red Hot Chili peppers VIP backstage pass. I never had enough money or luck to win one of these but I was always so jealous of the winner whenever I used to follow the Chillies on tour, they always said creepy, incicinetive and downright stupid shit to Flea, they just wnted their autogrpahs, and a quick lame claim to fame, they wanted to use him pick up girls at the afterparty or sleep with groupies not much else, Those sproiled kids didnt apriaicte Flea like I do, all those lucky winners were the bain of my existince, but…If I was ever to win, witch untill now was never even a possibility, I would finally get to show Flea how much I care, show him im not like all those other fans, that…I would do anything for him, I would moove heaven and earth, climb mount evenrest, surf down volcanoes, I’d travel across time and space, make love with a billion wax sculptures, I’d eat, drink or barf up anything, I’d stick anything up my ass, Flea would just have to say the word! I’m the most deserving fan in the world of those baskcstage passes, that is a indusutible fact of siclince and the human condition. But I could hardly believe, based on Kevin’s current assured expression, he’d seen the future, and we already won. He grasped the steering wheel tight, as we passed the “Now Entering Alatinic City Sign” WIth almost angeltic ease, gliding through roads and lanes like the flying Cars of back to the future two that Kevin saw in the future, that I could now see as well, hovering all arround us. Becuase if we won these backstage passes, anything truly is possible. I leaned in till my ears and face were smushed up against the Radio, as the host read the next few numbers. I closed my eyes, and listened with baited breath, as if If I was listening for my draft number to be called. But somehow, the stakes for these numbers felt even higher.

“The following are tonights Lucky winners for the Vip Backstage Passes, for the Red Hot Chili Peppers playing Boardwalk Hall all day today, Saturday June 29th 1987.  Alright here we go, 4456.”

“Oh my god.” I whispered.

“8870, 3345, 8763…”

“Please, Please…” I pleaded almost preying as I clenched my fists and bit my lip for the last number to be read. Please rock gods, let me have this one.

“and 9944! Thats all for now folks, and congrats to all the lucky winners.” 

‘THATS US, THATS OUR NUMBER!!! Holy shit!!! Lester we won!!!” Kevin screamed and laughed, shaking me in disbelief almost crashing our car he got so distracted by this, flaaling his arms everywhere hugging me, letting out a primal cry of joy like Gorge of the Jungle. I could hardly belive what had just happened, Rock Gods you are real, thamk you I wont let you down! I smiled at the heavens, knowing they were looking down at me now, and after all I went through this year, things were finally looking up. 

“Oh my god Kev I cant belive this is really happening!? Wait, are you 100% sure that was our number!?’

“1,000% dude! ha!”

Kevin barked, shoving his map into my lap as it blew into my face, making it impossible for me to ignore the number written on it’s bottom corner, it was in fact, clear as day 9944, the number that was just called over the radio. Oh my god, this is real, I was gonna meet Flea, for real, up close, legally and everything!?

I was gonn a smell him, I was gonna be in the same room as his bald head, and Anotny’s sweaty long hair and perfect lips. 

“What extaly do backstage passes, do?”

“Dude, these are like the holy grail. I didnt have to pay a penny since it’s all by raffel, so this is like the best deal out there, man! From what I heard, we show the bouncers at Boardwalk our number it says em on the tickets too, ya see.” He snowed me the purple tickest again, and pointed out tiny, barley visibale 9944 engraved into the bottom right, purple glitter covered croner of both tickets.

“No wayyyy”

“Way, dude. Way in a big way, they know who won so we dont even have to wig or anything dude, the second we get there their gonna give us thease speical lanyards, then when the show’s over, we just show em to susicruty, and their gonna personally escort us bakstage to their dressing room dudes!”

“Oh my god, thats insane dude! Then what?”

“Then…We just hang out with the band, we take turns with all the other winners, and just chill out with them for as long as we want man. You can get your photogrpahs, autigrpahs, getting them to sign ur balls, and all the other fanboy bs out of the way first, the stuff I know your too good for, but would have totally done if you had to wait in line out back to meet em like evryone else.”

“Woah…so we can just chill with them, for as long as we want? Just us and the band…totally cuausal hanging out backstage…just like any other band, girlfirend, groupie, or Roaide-”

“Oh speaking of witch…Im not sure If I already mentoined this but the Chilies are looking for New Roaides, for the remaing leg of their North American Tour, maybe….that’s something you can ask about…”

“Oh yeah I seen the posters, that would be a gnarly ouptunity, life changing even but…dude thats not really my realm of operation, if you know what I mean….”

“...Yeahhhhhhhhh, no.”

“Yeah you do, Come on, dude! Im a singer, Im a band guy! I’m front n center, thats why they call it a frontman, Rockin out is kinda my thing, I dont really do all that behind the scenes crap, although doing that stuff for the Chilies would be beyond a dream come true, and literally serving theieir every disire and moving all their amps and equipment, and getting 27/7 time alone with them, especially Flea is one of my biggest fantcies, so much so I wrote a song about it…ok, more then one. But dispite that, Im a rocker dispite last night im still on a one way track to the spotlight, I cant lose sight of that a nd lower myself now…im still going places, man you said it yourself. I cant be a Raodie, thats like a billion steps back from where I was last night…maybe even a trillion.”

“Hey it’s true, I saw the fture afterall, you are confimed to be one of the greats of all time. But even the greats had to learn from somebody, everyone who’s ever inspired anyone, who ever made it to that stage, that spotlight that upper echaohon…they all had to start at the bottom. As hard as it is for you to believe, even the Chillies started off somewhere, and I dont know alot about their history but, I know there was a point when they were clueless about their careers and what to do with their lives, and had to take on the role of student. Everybody’s gotta learn how to hack it from the masters before them, no one starts out with all the awnsers…do you, do you ceatch my drift man?”

“Yeahh…I think so.” It’s true I caught his drift, with both hands. I was reminded of all those days I passed by the Chillis huge, unmistakable “Tour Staff Wanted” poster in town on my way home from school. 

 

I admit, the thought crossed my mind more then once, even before Bad Desions started tanking. Afterall, Before becoming a jedi master, Luke had to train under Yoda, it wasnt easy but…neccary to become the jedi master he always knew he was inside. Kevin smiled as I stroke my chin in deep contemplation. 

“Just think about it man, It could be good for you. Besides, being a Roadie you get to see all the insider shit, all the sleezy behind the schenes stuff about the real, wild lives of rockers man, the kind of crap that fills exposes and gossip columns, you get a front seet to all the juicy, salacious goings on the american public is just drying to know about.”

“Well…I think i would have seen that anyway if Bad Decions had taken off last night the way I’d orginally planned, I mean I was basicly born to be doing stuff to crazy even for MTV man, that’s my fate I dont need to be Roaide to see the crazy world of rock n roll, I’m already taking it over.”

“Oh no doubt, and you will take it over man, that’s a given.  But for right now, I gotta say your a seriously lucky man, you got something most of us can only dream of.”

“Oh yeah, whats that?”

“Options! Man, you have the whole world at your kness right now man. See, if you deicide to blow me off run off to new york city and form a new band and make it big like we all knew you would, your golden. And if you dicide to go on tour with the chilies this summer, your golden! You’ll ve living your childhood fanatsy galvanting arround the country with tiur favourte band, and you’ll be getting a better ediatuon then me or Kent could ever hope to ring outta the Ivy Lueages, you’ll be getting somthing real, that 1,000’s of dollars of future crippling student debt could never buy. Either way your golden.”

“haha, Well there are worse things to be.”

“Just tink about it man, eithrr way despite all the bs that happened this week, things noyt ecstasy going the way you wanted them too….Im proud of you, I dont tell you that enough.” Not Enough? If he doenst tell me sappy stuff like that enough, then what the hell is enough? I couldnt believe he was proud of me at this point, I had fucked so much up for him and egvryone else…

“Proud? Really?”

“Yeah man, of course Im always proud of you. But espically recently, you have teken everything in stride, I look at you and you never fail to surpise me. If I had to deal with half teh shit you did this week alone, I honeslty dont think I would make it, I cant even imagine dealing with Rubin’s crap, on top of mom and dad’s abuse, threatining to throw you out, getting expelled, and rejected and beaten up and having your band and your dreams seem to blow up in your face all at once!? I got to tell you man, I would not have been so strong.”

“Strong?...STRONG?! Are we talking about the Same Lester flatt here?!” Oh shit, worst possible timing. My hangover was startig to fade, danm that tatamo juice worked a little too well. My memoires of last night starting to flood back, and they were just as bad if not worse then I’d feared. Femembering my physodic fit last niught and a few more details of how I behaved after and durinbg the battle, filled me with shame that Kevin had tried to protect me from, I acted like sucha fool last night,such a dengranged revenge obessed, sore looer cry baby. How could anyone possibly think I was strong after all that, if I was strong I would have lost the battle with my head held high, like Kevin said we all should. If I was strong, I would’nt have lied to the Earthwroms about being famous to make up for feeling so inffeoir, if I was strong I would have stuck to our set and not get into a pointless dick messgering conetest with Rubin, a strong person doesnt plan Blackmail and justify revenge against somone out of pure jelousy and spite, just becuase you cant accept that they beat you and good at evrything your not. A strong person wouldnt neeed to lie all the time, they wouldnt feel the need to proove they have the best taste in rock n roll, and are to superior to be a raodie and desrves to be as famous and worshiped as his idols without putting in any of the work. A strong Person wouldnt do any of that, Im not strong, im the oppssite of strong. Im the most weak, insueurble, insucure, overompcating, rude, ungreatful, lost, anoying, overzeolt, arogront, unreaoble person Ive ever met. Lost of pepole have harder lives them mine and end up way more resilient and genuine then me. I get Kevin just wants to cheer me up, and put a nice Ribbon on the last week or so befor ethe show, as is in his nature. BUt he doesnt have to re-write history to do so, If he sees me as strong, or anything or the sort, the man needs rto get his vison checke dbecuase im afraid he’s blind as a bat, even Stevie Wonder could see im a total train wreck, and the last person on earth who deserves praise or to be called Strong by their morally surpior brother. 

“Im not strong Kev, you dont have to butter me up you know.”

“What are you talking about Les’, you know your one of the strongest pepole I know, I look at you every day and Im amazed, Im inspired. Everyday you always have a plan, you alwyas wanna make music, it’s never a dull momment with you, and I love that. No matter what life trhows at you, you always seen to bounce back. So many nights I stayed up late studying, or mom and dad are on my ass about school, and getting into Havrard, or Pastor angles is judging me for missing sunday mass one time or some other thing, I always felt so trapped les, I tried to hide it most time sto porect you but I know it seeped through. But no matter how confined I was, how dull life got with all expectations and limits crushing me and wiaghing me down, I could always count on you to write some new song, or come to me with some reiclious shsinngans, a new exuse to play my gutair and messerse myself into your wild world, far better then my barren, bland one. I see how evryone treats you and never feel like im standing up for you enough, but you never needed me to you were always so tough and fiery in the face of impossible odds. Your so strong, becuase you never let them break you, evryone constanly wants you to change to stop listining to rock n roll ro cut yiour hair, to like girls to get a normal job, tone down your perosnlity, to conform but you never give in! In the face of crippling explcations and a preplanned future, your the only one who gave me the strength to be myself, and fugure out who that is.”

“Kev, calm down, you dont need to get all Sappy on me ok? I get it you just want to shere your feelings every chance you get, but It’s too cheesy, tone it down will ya? Im trying to stay in a Chillies tstate of mind, and this whole thing your doing is so un-rock roll”

“heh, it alwys comes down to rock n roll will you, huh? You always talk about what rock n roll is “really” about, but im sorry I got to tell you, befre its to late. It was You who always tought me that rock n roll isnt about the grils, the drugs or the Toghness it’s about having the balls to go against the grain even when you have evrthing to loose. Witch is somthing you do, evry single day, every singel day since the day you were born the world rejected you at every turn and you never once caved in, you never changed for anyone, you never stopped truing to achive your dreams no matter how hard they made it, you nevr gave up when most pepople wouldnt have even tried. And i dont know about you, but I think that is somthing to be produ of. I dont know if you relize how much you’ve helped pepole, just by being you. But hey, at the end of the day Rock n roll is your world, Im just a Dorky christien school boy, so what do I know? But for what it’s worth, no matter what happens, Lester Flatt you are Rock n Roll, if rock n roll was person, it would be you, and im not just saying that becuase of your brains or your personality.”

“...Ha, ha, sure Kev’”

“Your also the kindest, funniest, and the most driven, committed, bullheaded, persitaint, shameless, fearless, balsy, reckless insane, stupid, incredible, badass, talented, loyal and loving person I’ve ever known, and everyone have no clue how lucky they are to be a part of your life, to be lyrics in your song. 

I’m gonna miss you so much when I go off to Princton, and I know im a cheesy, and im not as cool as the Eearthworms, Trent or Flea, I know im just too senstive and sappy and it’s not cool to talk about your feelings epsically if your a big strong man, but I dont know how many chances I will get to say it, But I love you!”

“...OK, thank you Kev, I get it you can chill out now-!”

“I love you, I love you,  I LOVE MY BROTHER LESTER FLATT!” Kevin belted for the entire state of New Jersey to hear, as several people on the road smiled, and as I covered my blushing face in shame.  We even were waved at and greeted with peace signs and hand harts made by a group of hippies, high off their minds clad in yarn bikinis and Sherpa yarn ponchos with white dreadlocks and beaded banandans huddled in the back of a pickup truck. 

“YES MAN, LOVE IS BUEATFUL!” Shouted the male hippie leader, shirtless clad in tight green bellbottoms with many beaded nacklaces swinging across his heavy tattoed chest, and insanely long wavy black hair blowing past him in the fast highway breeze. 

Kev turned to face the hippies, he smiled and laughed.

“Yes it is man! Yes it is.” Kevin said beaming, elbowing me. As I slowly came out of hiding, showing my face and smiling at the hippie frreaks just preying they weren't heading to the same concert as we were. 

“Dont be shy man, to say you love your brother, you gotta shout that shit from the moon and back man, from the jupiter caverns back to the fairy forrest!? The world doesnt want us Spreading love for our sisters and our brothers, they want us to be emotinless babies man, they want us to be emotionally empty baby zombies man, thats what the government made the goverment for man, to keep is in line! They wanna keep us small, small and sluggish man! So we depend on them for evrtyhing for milk and love and dice and everything! So we  never spread anything but hate and lies! Thats the big plan man.” Yep, high off their minds…

“Yeah man, spread the love! Hey were yall headed?”

“Atanatic city man! The Chillies are playing Boardwalk Hall!” God danm it! 

“Oh shit, so are we!”

“No way man!” Shouted another dude, black guy clad in a blue velvet vest, no shirt undeneeth with a bright pink toga, a long skirt with leg slits cut out. He had a huge affrro with pink flowers and vines littered arround it like astroids orbiting sataturns rings, he was srrounded by all the pretty girl hippies, flower girls and the dudes too.  Kev just couldnt stop smiling, he was smitten by the hippies, he stared so long he almost crashed his hummer off the highway into a revene.

“Yeah maybe well see you there, cutie.” One of the flower girls said, flirtatiously at Kevin, not me. She was leaning of the edge of the pick up truck, letting her boobs and long blonde rosemary locks hang free, blowing in the traffic wind. She and Kevin made flirty eyes as he drove noticeably less straight, she was wearing a yellow sun dress with you guessed it daffodils in her long blonde maine, she was smiling so wide I couldnt even see her cheeks, blowing Kevin a kiss as he unhooked his arm off the stick shift, just to ceatch it and blow it right back at her, resulting in a wave of blushing giggles.

“Hey is this your brother” The white shirtless hippie asked, looking at me.

“Guility” I piped up, regretting it.

“Oh my god, I reconigize you from somewhere.” Oh no.

“Yeah man, these are the guys from last night, The Summit’s Battle of the bands is always rigged and boring but you guys totally stole the show!” The black hippie yelled, kneleng over.

“Oh my god, thats right you guys were insane! Calling out THE Rubin Smith by name, the kinky Leather, the botched lyrics, the stagefights, the pumpkin!? Dude you guys are total legends!?”

“Are you coming back next year, you guys were halrious we havent seen a set flop that hard in real life ever, it was elleriatiing.”

“We cant thank you enough, last night was a forimitve exprince, were all about the here and now, your prepfomance reminded us bands are human too, and it’s really pepole up there, its a live raw perfomnce that’s fauble that can mess up too! Once in a life time stuff man.”

 

“Ugh, get lost! Who invited the Earth Light Plyaers-” I muttered impatilenly, starting to get embarssed again, waiting for thease jokers to finally drive away. Was I crazy or…were thease hippies really making fun of me right now? 

“Aw chucks, you guys are too nice.”Kevin said, just letting the hippies take one giant shit after another on the remenets of our legcacy. Shit eating his grin, in some abstract atmept to cheer me up by teaming up with the hippies to be so insultingly, impossobly happy right next to me, in the hopes it will peer presure me to turn my frown upsdiodnw and give up all my morals about not being taken seriously by the genral public, to peace and love just laugh it off. Well, it wasnt gonna work.

“Too nice? THERES NO SUCH THING MAN, evryone should be nice to evryone man, espically yourself, the self….*berp* is the person you should be the nicest too, you gotta treat-you should treat the best man, evryone is…the best person out of all the pepole in the uiverse, its the age of aquarius man, evruone is gonna come togethr ha ha”

“Yeah, listen you guys were not just awful, but memorble and thats what you gotta be, to caputure that spark of humanity through the power of sound, and power of oral couplation-”

“Oral vibration, man!”

“Yeah brother Marry, not that kind of music! Ha Ha”  

“NO WAIT HOLD ON GUYS, I’m getting a vsions, I see, within a cloud of smoke, you, and your band emerging clad in golden robes and sorounded by beautful mermaids…from the cnter of the earth on  platform, to play the song saves the world from the surpeme leader of the faisist dinoasiar rigeme! and the world isnt readyyy! I’m a future seeer man, and I perfict You guys are gonna be huge, like world savingly huge, prohecies dont lie just ask my shaman, who perdicted Zoadac killer man.”

“I can already tell next year were gonna be written off, when we tell peoole we drove past….um….uhhh”

“Bad Desions?” I corrected, with eyes rolled.

“Extacly! You guys are going places man, we got an insitict, a sort of sense for thease things when the engery passes throygh and between the music and the soul, were in touch with the virbations man, we can always tell who’s vibrations are conna connect. Like those dudes, the greatful dead, yeah, we perdicted them. Didnt we guys?” All the huppies nodded their heads in uncin.

“Yeah Jerry G, said the same thing about his first show, but we told him he just had to belive in hismelf, and trust that he’s a Leo so if he manfesting hard enough him and the dead were bound to thrive, and look at him now.”

“Jerry G? How old did you say you guy were again?” I asked, narrowing my eyes staring at the lot of em’ with growing suspsion.

“Man, age dont have no number little man! If you gonn amke those sweet sweet grooves,you also got makeyour mind…expand, But evryone on their own jounry, it’s totally groovy, if you havent reached that stage of engliugment little man, you will in time. It took me years to get to the level of comsic expnasion and personal narvivina that im at today, it took years, not evryone makes it there alive, but your on the right path little man, just dont loose sight, and you’ll stay groove, ya dig?”

“Uh huh.”

“Wow Lester you see, I told you things would work out, look how many fans we have already.” I just groaned.

“Whens your next show, becuase TOMMY FIDDLES AND THE FAIRY QUEENS are soooooo there.”The lead hippue howled.

 Inbetween making out with half the other hippies in the truck, the boys, girls and himself…as they all dropped acid and danced to some Hendrix’ esqe 1960’s groove in the backound, obscoured by the distance of moving traffic. The whole thing felt so insulting and absurd, thease hippies had almready ruined my night and we haddent even made it to the condert yet. But right now I was so busy feeling anoyed thease are the kinds of people our music was apparently attracting who only liked us at the apex of our fauluire, and the sinking reality our band was never taken seriously and at this rate I will never be. I barly had time, to laigh at how halrious and silly thease hippies were, shamlessly never being taken seriously never taking themseves seriouly and yet, living a happier life then I could ever hope to ahcive, maybe tht was their freedom?

And hey Kevin was happy, the flower girls thinks he’s cute and he couldnt stop smiling and laughing acorss the lane, at their antics. And if Kevins happy, I guess nothing else matters right, the guy dersves some friends of his own, outside of his confomist football buddies at school, and the other members of Bad Decsions. 

“WOW. Are you guys for real?” Kevin asked cheerly, mocking me and evrything our band stood for by enterinaing this band of woodland muppet freaks. He just smiled at them, looking down at me, stweing in my humilated steper with a wink. 

“No doubt! You guys were the world thing we’d ever seen dude, it was beyond groovy!” Ok that was it! Thease hippies had gone to far. Cant just just drive away alrrady and stop rubing it in that our band bit dust.

“Ok we get it! ha ha, we were god awful, were a joke we bombed so insanely unbeibley hard it entertained five generations of music freaks single handiley…and evryonbe this side of the rocky’s is fully aware of who we are, what we look like and that we do, without a shadow of a doubt–suck!! Well newsflash, our band broke up, we know we suck butt and dont think it’s all that funny! So Rub it in why dont ya.” All the hippies looked offended.

“What? No way, on the contratriory little dude, you scuked so hard you went full curcile right back to rocking again!” Tommy Fiddles howled, winking at us as he tossed weed leaves and lower petals off the truckside carresing the faces and hips of his flower hareum as they all rushed to the edg of the truck to convince us they meant well.

“Yeah, your set was so Groovy little dude! They dont throw Pumpkin’s at jut anyone, ha ha!” Another hippie yelled at us, with a bouncing ginger afro poniting at us like Curicus moneys.

“Best show we seen in years, your a legand dude, you should be proid of him your little bro is a legand.” 

“Total Legand.” The hippies all piped in, like the understudies for Hair, all sounding like one, amrphous blob of peace and love platfudes trying to concvince us that our show sucking is somwhow fine, becuase were ironically enterintaed and susperised by it. Jesus christ. 

“Ok, you guys can go now!” I sneered, sick of the hippies and their bullshit. Now I see why they didnt last. 

“Come on dude, is this how you talk to your fans?” Kevin jeered.

“If these were our fans? We should have broken up sooner.”

They all simply laughed and smiled at us, and simply drove away into the Jaarsy harizon. It was so wired to see pepole in the wild, so soon who had seen our disaster show last night, let alone a gaggle of hippies. They looked like the 1960’s never ended and seemed like they didnt have a care in teh world, like verythinhg was happy, simple hunkjkry dory, like verything was groovy and thwy left all their problems in a different state, a different time. Im Not gonna lie, I want waht whatever their smoking. 

After the hippies left, I felt oddly chill, like the worst was behind us, in all sense of the word. I turned to Kevin, who hadnt stopped smiling all day, all week… all my of life, he was always smiling, but unlike most pepole in his positions, there was always joy behind it, it was never just an empty fassade, dispite all he’s been through he’s just…happy he just loves other pepole and assumes their good and well meaning, even if pepole keep prroving that untrue, he keeps beliving it. 

I wish I could smile like that.

 I wish I could, really just be happy based on nothing external in life, espect my own joy and contemnet. I wish I could smile without having to lie, without needing rock music, or some future plan to setstain you, to fight for some future condientail life and future joy, you might neveer achieve. I wish I was like Kevin, once he told me if he could he  would switch places with me in heartbeat, i wonder if he would still take me up on that offer. Is he right, would it be any easier to be him, would I even want to be my brother full time, I dont know. 

All I know Is right now I would give anything to be anyone but me, to be somone happy, somone who’s taken seriously, who’s rock music is respected and good, and loved and makes the world spin faster. Someone who…doesnt want revenge, or escape or to hurt antone who’s hurt them, somone who doesnt have to lie to feel loved, I would give anything to be that person, and let the person I am now rot away and be one of the secrets I take to the grave.

But right now, as anticmlactic as it was, I was me and he was him and he wouldnt stop smiling, drivibg us into the future. Dispite my miles of sulking, now he It got to me, his infectious smile, his glow, so I caved, and smiled back. As the sun reached high noon and shown down on us, making us glow in the feeling of fimlaral warth and safty like an incubated chick being raised by vegan farmers.

“Thank you.” The words fell out of my mouth without recorse. 

“For what? Little man..”

“For all this, for buying tickets, for taking us to the show, you didnt have to-”

“Oh no need to thank me, im your brother this is what brothers do. If we werent so busy making our own “Oral vibrations” and I wasnt so busy studying, I would have taken us way sooner.”

“Well yeah…And…for what you said eariler…it meant alot.”

“Well, I dont lie.” I started to tear up, he always know’s what to say, we both just looked at eachother and laughed danm…Im really gonna miss him. 

“Im really gonna miss you, Kev.”

“I know. But you know it’s time for us to go our seprate ways, hey isnt there a song about this exact situtaion that we just listned too. By one of the gratest band of our time…the one and only White Snake?”

“Oh GOD!! Dear god no, not you too! Also hey, making evrything about bands is my thing!?”

“Well you’ve been slacking, somone had to pick up the pace. Seriously though, I’m gonna miss you, Princton is gonna be really broing without always having someone you can always turn to and mock all the stuff preps and suits, but like ive always said, I’ll only be  state away, you can aleays visit and crash with me anytime you want, dude. But, it’s time, you gotta take on the world without me man, you gotta find your own way. I’m not worried though, evryone knows your gonna rock evryones socks off, and build an empire of rock like the world is never seen, like all our bands, you did that all on your own, that was all you man, I had nothing to do with that.”

“But, for real, I dont know about the future, but right now I know I’ll be lost without you, I’m so alone man, I dont know where to start when it comes to making friends, that arent You, and the band, were parnters in crime, were brotehrs we do evrthing togetyher, im scared Kev…what if…without you, I cant surive in the real world.” I’d never been so vuibrle with him, my adbanoment issues are showing now im sure I sound desrpate as hell, but I had to tell him before It was too late.

“Well, I sure hope you can dude! I thought I raised you right!”

Raised me…he was joking here but, yeah, Kevin did raise me, more then our parrents did anyway. He was always like a brother, and a father, to be honnest, more of  a father then a brother…as weird as that sounds. He tought me how to tie my shoolaces, when we were kids he was the one who read me bible stories and helped me with my homework, he was the one was first tought me how to play guatir and how to write songs and compose music. He tought me how to take care of myself, stand up to bullies, how to brush my teeth, shower, what movies were good and witch ones were begging for parody. He tought me life lessons every father should, how to hva econdifince, never givge up, see yourself not as fat, or worthless but as awsome as he saw me, and as I wanted to see myself. From when we were kids, it was never our parrntes who raised me, if anyone did it was Kevin…and I’m realizing he did raise me to take care of myself, everything he tought me aboiut lying, and my music, and my future…dispite how much I ignored or tried to reject his advice, the tools where there all along…for me to be as awsome as him…but, I mjust sound like an unlible idoty for not relaizing this sooner, but…having this watershed momment atcully just makes me more depressed lost, and alone, becuase even though I know what i gotta do to have a better life, I still have no idea how to actually do, any of it, it’s like talking about how to achive world peace in simple straightfoward terms in easy, but…actully chiving it is somthing else enietrly. It all feels even more out of reach now.

But, dsipite that, Kevin was right, in the “wise” words of our lords in savoir: White Snake, here I go again on my own, going down the only road, I’ve ever known, as a driffter I was born to walk alone, but I made up my mind, I aint wasiting no more time…here I go again.

Poetry.

“But, weather you go on the tour with the Chilies, or join your hippie fanclub in the forrest, I’ll still be just as proud of you little bro, I’ll alwyas be proud of you, even if you end up dumpster diving in a hobo park in echo park, tast tsesting bug spray, or become a jiggaloo, it doesnt matter dude, your my brother I’ll alwyas be proud of you, and dont you forget it.”

“Yeah…I know.”

“But seriously dude, your gonna be fine, It’s just life man, It will always here, even when I’m not. Evryonbe grows up man, it’s nothing to wig out over, it’s not the end of the world you think its right now dude, evryone does it, with or without me your gonna do go great trust me. Witch you should always do anyway, cuz I never lie.”

“Yeahhhh, your right. Im sorry, I just cant help but wigging out and thinking about all the worst possible futures all the time, It’s like Im just a bit fat bummer man, thats so un rock n roll I know.  Im sorry dude, I keep bumming us out on this ride when were sopposed to be having fun before the concert, but…after the life we led, dude I cant say im surprised I’m unable to just let my guard down and have a good time.” I said.

“True, we had a hard run, but we also had some good times, and those, those are the ones I’ll always look back on, I dont know about you.”

“Oh…hell yeah. Good times, Good times…”

“Hey, what do you say we see whats playin.” Kev said, truning on the Radio to the aklatic city station, thats’ how I know were close. As soon as we turned it on, as if timed pericly by the rock gods themesves, the song Glory Days, by Bruce Springstein (Kevin’s favroite) came on blaring. Bruce filled the air, Just as we past the Exit to Asbury Park. For the remainder of the Ride, we both sung along to Glory Days, reminissing about our own and all the good times to come. 

In an hour or so, I lost track, time fly’s when your having fun, we finally made it to Atlantic city. We were cutting it close now, the show started in five munites, it would teak hucrucean feats of skiddaling to make it to Boardwalk Hall on time. Luckily Kevin was only one degree away from Hurcules, and a really fast driver when he needed to be. He knew the city well, I dont remmber him coming here very often, before or after he got a car, though Kevin always managed to keep the other half of his life privite, the boring church going, football playing, all americain kiss ass half, so I’m more then chill to leave those reasons to the imagnation, either way he knew the fasest route through Alatic city, stright to the boardwalk. Witch was a massive relief as I had never been here in my life, so quite litrally and fugiurivly, I’d be lost without him. Before we could even take in the sights, passing by boxers on their smoke braks in their baggy shorts gloves slung over their swollen shoulders, wizzing by all kinds of pepole doiung all kinds of things, wering next to nothing on a hot summer’s day, it was all overwelming to fault, you never seen so many kinds of peopole in your life, black, white, bartenders, hispanic mothers selling popsicales on the beach, gay men cruising, Boxers, rockers on tour, barly clothed newly weds on their honey moons, kids, hookers, old pepole, the circus was even in twon for gods sake. The city was bustling no doubt, In ewing, you never seen so many diffrent kinds of pepole in one place, no wonder once you leave your small town, you dont have to drive very far for the world to be blown wide open, and I loved evry second of it. it was a coastal city, I could hear the waves crashing even before we made it to the baordwalk. But because Kevin is secretly a drag racer, before I could blink, we were there. He somehow got parking, swueezing into a fringe hadnicap spot, among the packed lot jesus that was alot of cars, I could only imagine how packed the boardwalk was on the inside, I bet we’d get crushed like prying hands on Nancy Ragan’s ass the second we get through the door, how rock n roll is that. Kevin grabbed my arm, yanked us both out of the car and made a mad dash for the front door of the massive staudim, as I looked up and gawked Boardwalk looming over us. I’m not sure if you’ve ever been to Antinitic City, but Bordwalk hall is fucking huge, it looomed over us like a massive concrete thunderdome, like the beatleshead, spaceship from Dune or Heavy Metal, it just had this looming pressence, It was so freakin huge, like only huge things happend inside. We could hear the Chillies already Warming up inside. Kevin raced up to the front door, untill we were met with a towering, 7ft tall mountin of a man. 

“Your too late, show’s about to start.” He belowed.

“Not so fast…” Kevin said Smugly, whipping out our vip tcikets with a smug grin, to the bouncers shock, as without skipping a beat, he nodded his head and let us inside. The inside of this place was huge, I never been inside abuilding this mammoth. So spacious, and round…it was like another planet in here. I could see the entrance to the conert venue area, like a shimmering light at the end of so many tunnels. I could hear the sting of Flea’s bass echo throught the dome.

“Echo!” I shouted, as my voice echoed so far and long I could have sworn we were inside the lost caves underground where Ragan keeps all his recycled war crimes. 

“Come on!” Kevin yelled, his voice echoed as he ran ahead of me so fast I could have sworn he was flying. I raced to ceacth up with him as we both ran inside the auatorum, he ran so far ahead of me he almost diapieared into the crowd. Good thing I found him quickly after suqeezing through a sea of bodies, studded leather jackets and sweaty tattoed shoulders right at the bass of the stage, guided by the music, right by Kevins side, right underneath the glrious Chilies at the center of the universe, I’d finally made it home, whre I belong.

Kevin had husted us the best possible spot to watch the show, we were standing the base was mosh city, and I was prepared to be fucking torn apart in the pit, I couldnt till anothny started jumping arround and getting really funky for us to mosh too, this is the kind of life changing shit you tell your grandkids. Before we even had a chance to gawk, and geek out at how richous it was, the show offically started some James Brown sounding voice came on the intercom and anouced he could this was the cloest I’d ever been to the cilies, I couldnt bvelive it, it was really them…I could reach out and pinch them or grab their flawless balls If I wanted too, thats how close were talking. all the seats were taken the place was packed to the nines, I wasnt shocked but I admit I was a little taken a back, I had no Ideas the chillies were this popular, dare I say…mainstream. They werent, not yet anyway (though if they ever were, I know they’d somehow do it without selling out completely.) But this crowd, was not what I expitected. Bigger, first off, but also not just populated by burnt out skinheads, skaters, junkies, hitchiking, open micining, drifter, couch srfering, slacking, backally burn outs, and filthy commies and all american trash. You know, the kind of people who either show up to a Ratt concert on a tuesday night or a White power rally’s under a bridge. It was the best Chillies concert oucome by far, like we were coming home.

 I was expecting to be sorunouded and crushd by a bunch of pissed off local teenagers, you know, like me, not all thase grown ass, functonal adults with their kids and pet dogs, not all these sweet granny’s on vacation and people in their finnst hawaiian shirts and painfully vsibale spray tan and football jersey’s for every team but the Gaints, clearly just a bunch of clueless torriests from out of state, who just came here for the boxing, the wemon and beach party scene to start their summer early. But, hey…you know what, Gatekeeping was old Lester, new Lester would wnat nothing more then for the chillies divine love to be spread to the masses. 

And boy, did the chillies spread their love, and just about everything else. Before me and Kev had anymore time to geek or absorb our sporundings, the Chillies set finally startd. I had memorized their set for this tour in advance, even before I knew Kevin got us tickets, I know the set for every tour…of course, but no amount of prior research or stalking could prepare me for the feeling of witnessing history being made, right before your eyes. 

Anthony kicked off the show, by grabbed the microphone and yelling primally into it like a crazed banshee queen so loud his mic gave out, met with thunderous applause and chants for miles. 

 

The stage lights were every color of the rainbow they went up and down and soaked the half naked, glitter covered band in light and color like the algetic tenchcolor gods they are. I stared up in awe, probaly drulking and breaking my neck, my eyes hazed and overtaken by wonder as I stared up at my heroes, not just posters, or a sneaky peak from behind, but right at their feet, for real, this was really happening dude! They were so beautiful I could cry I let the sound turn me inside out and rearrange my DNA as Flea’s perfect fingers began to pluck his bass, or “Punk Bass” as he called it. They all started to play the funky opening to, my favroite song, Balckeyed blonde, just as Kevin had predicted. But Kevin could suck it, becuase this guy wasnt getting the runs any time soon, let alone during this song. I’ll admit the tamato juice might have been my saving grace afterall, danm Kevin always being right, he looked so goofty doing his little white boy gig to the opening baseline. 

Blackeyed blonde is such a sexy, funkalicous track, it opened now with a ridiculous baseline from flea as he bobbed his bald bobble head and stuck out his huge lips and massive forehead to the absurdly fast and unforgviving beat, the song is sort of like a nonsencail Skatting session over a funky baseline ripped right of Groge Clinton’s playbook who the Chillies famously colabratd with in 85’. The song goes a little something like this:

Pumpin' the blood through the heart of New Orleans

She's the mystic heat of the Bourbon street dream

She's just made out of flesh and bones

But let me tell you little boy

You better leave her alone

Leroy Brown thought he was bad too

'Till she left him floatin' in the old bayou

She's the kind of girl

She's built like a bomb

She's the blackeyed blackeyed

Blackeyed blond, get down!

That blackeyed beauty with the golden crotch

French electric sex a cock shocking swamp fox

Heaten queen of sleeze she's hot to box

But let me tell you little boy

She'll clean your clock

A slick and sly spy

Stuck in the muck of the moat

Blew his mind to find a diamond in the boat

Double-o-dooms day for Mr. James Bond

She's the blackeyed blackeyed

Blackeyed blond, Get down!

Anthony smirked, he was dressed in a gint inflataible tin man suit, he wasted no time before started to bang his head and thrash arround his long lushious head of hair, and kick and thrash arround in his signature unhinged kind of signature unhighinged yet gracefull, anti-gavrity rock n roll karate. Anthony, Flea, Jhon and Chad all looked down at the mosh pit ass they cheered, I almost sobbed, gasping as I knew in that moment as all of our eyes locked, that they were singing directly to me, they saw me, they knew I was their biggest fan and to pay tribute, I knew when our yurning eyes met, that they were dictating the next song to me. 

The concert seemed to go by so fast, they wizzed by almost half their set, each song more danable and boogy worthy then the last, me and Kevin danced the night away getting totally and completely lost in the music. For a brief while, we were one with the music, everything else faded away. This, this was why I wanted to be a rock star in the first place, giving other people this feeling of compete freedom, and ephoria,…it saves lives man, it’s the most important  thing in the world man. Where would we be without rock n roll?

Until, like always, much too soon, the perfect moment of musical bliss was interrupted once the chilies started playing a if You Want Me to Stay, a comparatively slower song off their frist album, Freaky Styley. I could see on Kevins face, inuldimated in deep blue lighting as the sun set somewhere behind us outside the Boardwalk aduatorum, he cleared his through turning to me with tried eyes, a look of somber and burdnous intentions. Clearly taking the cue from the first and possibly last, subdued song of the night to confront me on what happened last night. 

“You having fun man?” Small talk…the calm before the storm.

“Fun are you kidding me? This is the most fun ive ever had in my life, man! Holy shit, I could stay in this momment forever dude.”

“heh, you could man! You could do anything you put your mind too, man. Umm…hey, sooo, we need to talk.”

“Can’t it wait.”

“No, I’m sorry but it really cant, dude. I tried last night but you totally freaked on me and…do you still not remember what happened? How’s your hangover buddy?”

My Hangover had finally broken, and now that he brought it up, It all came flooding back in the most unpleasant and aburput avalanche of dirty, filthy emmopries better left firtmly in the past. Htting me like a massive flood of shitwater, I remembered what happened last night after we left the battle of the bands. I finally told Kevin the truth about Rubin, showing him proof Rubin really did steal his Harvard spot…but, it’s all coming back to me now…somhow against all odds, Kevin was artully fine with that, librated even claiming to have gotten into Princton instead, witch is incredible, and…it felt like we were never gonna leave his car, I preferred to not remember this next part, jesus, no wonder dad drinks his life away, he never has to remember who he hurts. 

Then, then

Then Kevin tried to talk me out taking revenge on Rubin, he pled with me in his car for what felt like hours, but…I wouldny budge.

Then I started seeing Rubin everywhere, I lost it, had some kind of freak out and…I dont remember what happened after that.

Oh god, I was a real nut case last night wasnt I, Kevin didnt disierve that, after all he’s done for me, I felt perdibly guilty and gross all over again like I always seem too, no matter what I do.

He swayed slowly back n forth, swaying amidst the slowdancers cloaked in blue light, he took my hand and squeezed it tight. 

Oh god, he was gonna try to convince me not to blackmail Rubin again, wasnt he. My eyes were fixed on the stage, as I could hear his every word slither into my deflated balloon animal heart, I coulnt bare look at him. the rest of the band moved on, but this entire show, Flea’s eyes never left mine, he…was all I could think of now, in this moment, my world shifted, my old perspetcives and desires shifted and faded into something new, something real. Flea was always in my life, he was always on my wall in the background of my disastrous days, guiding me and giving me hope, and love. But in this moment, drenched in deep blue, my senses became overwhelmed, Kevin in one ear pouring out his heart to me, begging me one last time not to go down a dark path, and both my eyes locked in his. As Flea bit his lip, smirking right at me, I smiled back and he smiled wider, my gaze wa stranfixed on him rocking up on that stage as the music colored and reconfigured my soul, Flea became my whole world, he brought me back to life.

“Lester, about last night…”

“-No, dont bother, dude, hangover’s gone, I remember.”

“Oh…you do. ”

“Yeah, thanks to you! Your Magic tomato poption worked a little too well…”

“HA, yeah well…ok look dude, Im just gonna cut right too it. This is the last time im gonna bring it up, last night you made it clear this is a sensitive subject and that you already made up your mind, and look, it’s your life whatever you do even if I dont support it I cant stop you, I know better then anyone one, once you make up your mind about something, I should consider it done already. But for the last time dude, are you sure you want to do this. If you do what you told me you were gonna do to him last night, you could both go to jail and it would ruin your careers before they even get started. He’s never been worth it dude, doing something like this is exactly what he wants, he’s no different then any other bully you’ve had through the years, he’s a peace of crap who you should leave behind in your small town past, for future b-side ballads and MTV explsuive interviews, where he belongs! Your success will be better revenge then any crazy crackpot blackmail scheme you cooked up. I promise you. Look this isnt gonna be easy to hear but I dont know how else to get through to you dude, im being really serious now man, I dont know how long you’ve been planning this thing but it’s not worth it, and I know you man, you’ll regret it as soon as it’s done. I blame myself for half of all your bullshit with Rubin, I should have never made the lovelist for you in the first place. Not right before battle of the bands, not with the risks, not with AIDS, and not becuase you could and will do so much better then any of those boys, and you know it.” Kevin sighed, trying not to get to worked up.

“Look, Lester your a good person, I know you dont wanna do this…” Suddenly Kevin got to me, the soft, gooy, cheesy part of me that only he could. I had time, clarity, loads of alcohol and time to gawk at Flea’s perfect extinct since last night, and…my feelings had softened a bit. But revenge was still what I had bet everything on…Kev was persuasive, but I wasnt gonna let him talk me out of this one.

“I know…but, im so tried of being powerless, man. This could be my last chance to get back at him, and all the other people who ever doubted me here…I just want to play dirty too for once, I just want to win, and have just the slighetst bit of power of him…for just the briefest of seconds dude, just a second of getting even is that too much to ask?”

“Let me ask you something.” Oh god, by his tone you could tell he was changing his approach, I knew all his tactics. 

“yeah…”

“You want to be a roadie for them, right?”

“Yeah…actully, after tonight, I really do. You know, if they’ll have me.”

“Right, and you really like Flea, right? You worship him, you spent years stalking him, he’s your idol, you would do anything to impress him right?”

“Yeah, Duh?”

“Well…I know for a fact, Flea wouldnt approve of your little plan. Flea’s a chill dude, he’s all about cosmic love and funky frenship, you know that more then anyone. So, i doubt he would let you be his Raodie this summer, if he found out you were planning on outting the guy who beat you at battle of the bands, as gay and realsing your revenge porn in two days…In fact, I dont think he hate you, Flea hates pepole who do stuff like that, you know he has so many gay fans, and is famously so kind and fogriving behind his wild extetror…Soooooooo, if you really love flea as much as you say, maybe you should reconsider.” Oh hell no, Kev did not just pull the Flea would not approve card! Espically because…I think it just worked.

“No! What, no, man shut up, you dont know Flea. Sure he’s nice, but he’s hard core man! Once he finds out what Rubin did to me, to us, he will completely understand. In fact, he’ll be rooting for me, man!”

“Oh really, well why dont you ask him then.”

“Come again?”

“Yeah, after the show, when they take us backstage you can, tell Flea all about your pre meditated, petty iligalal revenge plot  to relase an illigal sex tape, and out you both to the entire town so he looses his record deal, and probably his life when his fathr gets out of jail, all so you can go on some childish powertrip against the lead singer of Rolling Viens, after he broke your heart and beat you fair and square in battle of the bands amture competition in trenton. All because he cheated on my test to get into Harvard, becuase you thought I waas owed a spot at the most sporestious univierty in the country dispitre the fact that no one gets in and to spite mom and dad, I was more then happy to go littaray anywhere else. And how you plan to leak the lovelist, basically outing every kid in our school even the ones that were nice to you. Yeah, dude im sure Flea would be totally chill hiring you after that.” Kevin finished smugly, rasing one eyebrow, crossing his arms still swaying and dancing all the while as the slow groove faded into the next upbeat track. I sighed so loud, even Flea could probgaly hear it. God danm it, Kevin was right. As fucking always, im always saying he’s right, I feel like a boken recocrd. I felt inilightend now, seeing Flea and the chilies on that stage rock out, gave me a new perspective on everything, a more mature, honest perspective. As all the bullshit cacoons of my prevuouis limited worldview shed, and fell away my mind was finally claar enough to ask the question, What would really happen if I took revenge on Rubin? Just as I’d panned it out, step by step a million times in my head…what would my plan really look like?

I would do the deeds, as I’ve laid out a hundred times, sex tape in the mailboxes, evryone sees it, Out Rubin by spray painting the school walls so everyone sees it on graduation day, so I can watch his face when he’s utterly humiliated.

 

I will probaly get arrested, on chid progrongy charges among others, Rubin’s had wil get of jail and probably do unspeakble things to him, I’ll feel good at first but then reliaze he didnt deserve it, he lost his career, and harvard spot, and his father and brother probably did unspeakable things to him, no one deserves that, not even him. No one will bail me out, until someone does probably Kevin eating into his college money. If I do this, everyone will hate him, he’ll loose evrthing, Rubin will be humilated by the whole school when he’s outed as gay, and I will have the last laugh. 

Our parrntes will chew him out for going to princton instead of Havrad but will enetvtually come arround, then…Princton finds out about what I did to Rubin, it was so scahdnlous it made the local pappers, and admissions got a hold of the story.Kev almost looses his spot because I soiled his repuation by assolaation, before his semester even started.

Dispite Kevin being the only person In my corner I ever truly relied on, and loved… That night he would probably yell at me, rightly so. We’d have our first ever big fight, we’d both say hurtful words we cant come back from, he’d call me a faluire for the first time, and our relationship would never be the same. 

 

I can just see it, after me and Kevin would have a big fight over Rubin’s fate and his lack of a harvard Admission everyone would blame me, I’d be ruined, no rock n roll career no family Rubin would be ruined but so would I. 

I’d be homeless he’d be at princeton we’d go our sueprte ways, and not see eachotehr again for decades, we’d both spend the rest of our lives running from these wounds we made when we were 17, all over some pretty boy with curly blonde hair and a butt chin. Kevin’s right, revnevge is not worth it, man. Cheseballs! I see it now, in the flames of the aftermath…dispite all the power I might gain for a brief second, It wouldnt be worth it, in fact it wouldnt even be power, it would just make me just as bad as him…if not worse. I can’t take revenge against Rubin, I cant out him, I cant screw up his life becuase right now anyway, he’s done his best to screw up mine. Im alot of things but, im not the kind of person to go through with somonthing like this. Revenge is so un rock n roll anyay. Flea is more important, I choose Flea over revenge. I could feel it in my balls, this right now, was the most important choice I would ever make. 

 

I turned to Kevin, I grabbed his shoulder as Chilies started Playing Sex Rap, causing us to boogie with such joy and vigor we we punched eahcother in every body part we had, plus some. Kevin truned back to me, as I looked at him wide eyed, smiling like a psycho clown with tears in my eyes, ready to reval, I was ready to tell him what he wansted to hear.

“Kev!”

“Yeah!” Kevin shouted over the music, as they started Playing Yurtle the Tertle, yes Sex Rap was already over, Red hot chilies songs are short and sweet, just the way I like em.

“I’ve seen the light, Flea had restored my faith in life, love, rock n roll, and given me a future, worth fighting for. I know what I must do, I just hope it was the right thing….”

“And what’s that dude!?”

“Im not gonna do it, my revenge plan I mean. You Win, I’ll spare Rubin my wrath, for now. The bastard is Lucky I’m an englitetened being and have achieved nirvana, im too spitutally….vast, to even think abioyt revenge anymore…ima let him off the hook for now, you got me me man, you got me!” Kevin just grined, he didnt say anything he just looked proud.

“Flea is more important to me now, your right he wouldnt want me too. Anything they dont like, I dont like. Thanks Kev, my priorities have never been so straight.”

1. 

“Ha, unlike you…”

“Shut up! haha”  He said, pushing me playfully. 

“Im proud of you man, you made the right choice.”

“I hope your right.”

“I always am, remember. Ya brother never lies, expect when he tells you that…your dance moves are sexy…that was just to feed your ego...”

“What? Come off it dude! That's bogous, I got moves for days…those hippies on the way here, now they couldnt dance for crap…but, you know I could beat anyone in a boggie off.”

“Oh yeah, prove it” 

“Is that a challange Dr. Kenneth Flatt earther the third”

“....uhhhh, looks like it. Unless, your too chicken to get down…” Kevin said, as he started to bend so bar back I thought he would snap in half as he waded into a few people moshing waiting for someone to wip out a limbo stick. Danm Kevin was flexible as hell, I always forget he was an anethete first, student second, rocker third. 

“...and dirty.”

“Oh it’s on!” I said, as our most epic dance battle ever commenced. To closer of their set, Hollywood and their the funniest groove yet. 

“are you ready to get spicey like a real chilli pepper? I dont think you are.”

“uhhhh I was born ready bbay, im so spicey that you are gonna need to get your tonsils remobved because these moves, are gonna burn you like a Holy Diver baby...” I said egging Kevin, as he brought the thunder like I’d never seen, as the mosh pit got to it’s peak of voilencet, unhinged moshing. Our battle was one for the history books, we did every dance move undre the sun, the cabbaatch batch, the russian tartar, the moccorna, the Charlston, the hip swizzle, the head bang, the butt factory, the face melter, the last super, the loosey goosy, the leathan weapon, the undercover cop, the end of the world, and the two step. 

In the end, it was a tie. 

But before we knew it the show as over, we were dripping in sweat and it was time to leave. everyone shuffled out of the boardwalk to various after parties and holiday inns, but we…and the lucky few, stayed behind. We only waited for a minute or so before the same massive mountain of a man, Usher retuned to escort us backsatge one by one to meet the band backstage. I was expecting our name to be chosen fist I started walking but like I fool I was too early and too cocky, becuase they bouncer called the name of a little girl and her mom behind us injstead. Of course, I was willing to be patient but I know how bands are, they dont always wait arround to meet just everyone, sometimes they leave early they have places to be on tour afterall. I grit my teeth, crossing my fingers that little brat didnt take five years in the there. 

Of course, five minutes passed, and we were the last ones there, who had not been called backsatge yet. 

“Ugh he’s been in there for five thousand years, how long does it take to sign an autograph anyway!”

“Pateince dear padwan, patience…”

“Yeah, yeah I know…”

“No…Patience, meet Lester, my brother, he’s a huge chillies fan.” Kevin presented me with some blonde hippie chick, the same one who was flirting with him on the car ride over. I rolled my eyes, I shook her hand.

“The 1# chillies fan, in fact.”

“Wow, to love something that much, is such a beautiful thing.” She said, in an airy voice that seemed to leveitae just above meaning. I rolled my eyes as she google taking Kevin arm and arm, as I turned back to the backstage waiting for it open. Leaving Kevin to his flirting. Damn, kevin had come so far, he’d gone from being in a killer band and still haveing no girlrind, to dating Roxy the coolest chick in town, to rebounding with some groupie-hippie chick, only a day after being dumped. Stellar character development all across the board, we all became men tonight. Mostly me, but Kevin’s a close second. Before I could complain about how long this guy was taking or turn arround to make fun of Kevin’s lame wowo pickup lines, the door finally swung open. The last of the chilli’s backstage ViP’s, some older man, wearing a yellow raincoat and rainboots came out looking confused and in need of a map. So the bouncer waved us over, my eyes lit up.

“Finally! This is the moment we’ve been waiting for dude! Come on Kev, you can pick up chicks later!” I belted, yanking him away from her by the sleeve. 

“Aliright alright, heres my number, honey, give me a call-”

“Wait, where can I find you?”

“Princton!” Kevin yelled back at her without hesttaion.

“Ohhh Fancy, Tommy’s right, It’s always the smart ones.” 

Patince blew Kev a kiss, as she dispiared into the foggy boardwalk. I yanked Kev back arround so he’d keep up, as we ran all the way up the stairs as fast as we could,  onto the mainstage onto the backstage hallway corridor as my heartbounded into my ear.  Until finally we made it,both panting out of breath standing in front of their dressing room door, the gaint bouncer opened the door for us.

“You have 10 miunties, not a munite more.” he mumleed into our ears, in his signture intmtidating russian accent. I glulped, as he swiung open the shimmering door, to reveal the behind the scenes seldom few get to see, we were in the private lair of the rock n roll elite, it felt so dangerous, it felt so right. 

I grabbed onto Kevin’s bare elbow for confort, as the bouncer shoved us inside and shalmmed the door behind us. Suddenly, we were face to face with the chilies themesves, sprawled across a ratty grey couch, in a dimly lit messy, yellow tinted dressing room that smelled like good pot and olive oil. Jhon and Chad sat on the edge of the couch, with two female groupies on their lap keeping them busy, Flea and anthony sat close, in the center, both sweaty, filthy and egegaasted from playing all day and talking to so many greedy fans after that. They looked bothered, obigltaed, unethruthgsed, I was petrified with fear, starstruck beyond belif, oh my god, I never thought about what I’d say, their my hero’s what if they hate me, what if I make a fool of myself again!? Kevin pushed me ahed, and mouthed the words   

“Go On” with an egroging wink and a nod.

I aproched them, trembling all over. The Chillies all stood up, looked right through me, with bulging eyes, waiting for me to speak, for me to waste their time dude! No way, not this time!

 

Before I could say anything cool or pre planned, my emotions and years of aniatplation and inetnse worship overtook me. I brook down in tears, like the biggest sissy spaz they’ve ever seen.

“Fleaaaaaa!!! I love youuuu!!” I screamed, through a waterfall of tears, as I fell to my knees to sob unbctrobly as Kevin rubbed my back. 

“Woahhhhhhhhhhh, dude, chill your brains man, everyone loves Flea, isnt that right baby” Flea turned to the beautiful groupie next to him, and started stroking her chin. Kevin quickly swooped in, helping me to my feet, drying my eyes and getting my shit togethr as fast as humnanly possible. 

“Sorry, he can be kind of emotinal, it’s just always been his dream to meet you guys, my brother is a huge fan of ya’ll” Huge fan? That doesnt even begin to cover it!? Dont speak for me Kevin, I suddenly regained my brain actively, and sized the moment. (like a boss.)

“I’m Your 1# fan actually!” I yelled passionately, spinning arround to reveal the spraypainted words “1# red hot chillies fan” backside of my my leather jacket, now the the white letters where dripping down my back like jackson pollock back when he had poor aim, but they could still read evry word. I could hear them laugh and chuckle at the jacket, before I whirlled arround, smirking confident and proud to face them, Kevin nooding along with me.

“Yep, I even started the first ever chillies fanclub.”

“Wait dude really?” Chad asked, beer in hand.

“Hey? How come Flea get’s one of those and I don’t?” he continued, before getting smacked in the head by anthony.

“Becuase, shut the fuck up, that’s why dingus?!’

“What dude does he really have one though?” Anothy asked, with a clump of chad’s hair in hand.

“No, but I plan too start one…as soon as I get home…” I was so Starsturck, I was on Cloud 9 right now. Dude, I did not just say that. 

“So, “1# fan” do you want like, an autograph or something?” Anthony asked, laughing under his breath. 

“Yeah…oh my god man, that would be incredible, Uhhhhh, oh my god, um…here, Flea sign my jacket!” I Took it off in a hurry, shoving it in his face, despite how tired he looked he laughed, whipping out a white translucent marker from somwhere under the ratty couch, prsumbely to be seen on the black leather…even under black light, wow…Flea has clealry done this before (dont know why I expected anything less from his holy lord, Flea the God himself)

They handed the jacket back to me as I began to hyperbventalet and geek out reading the messy script Red hot chili Peppers and the name Flea scribbed in a  big fat unmistable Jhon Hancock all across the waistline. 

“Oh my god, I cant believe I’m even here right now you guys are like…my favroite rock band, of all time!? This is the first time…I’ve been able to afford tickets to see you guys…” 

 

“Well, for a “1# fan” it’s hard to believe this is your first show.”

“Well…its not techonicly the first…” Oh no, did I just out myself as their stalker, one of their few deicated tour trailers, who always got carded and kicked out of every venue they played, oh no I dont want them to know me from that, Im a cool, disicshihed fan of theirs now! 

“Hey man, dont I know you from somewhere” Antony said, squinting and leaning forward.

“What…no, no way man. How would I a lowly mortal, ever have gotten a chance to be in the same room with you guys before now…”

“I donno, you look an awful lot like this loony Kid, who used to drive us crazy back in the day, always getting thrown out of trailers for talking naked pictures of Flea-” Jhon inquired

“It’s not like I blamed the kid, tho man, I mean…look at this” Flea said, standing up again off the couch to show off his rocking bod, I shuttered trying to matain my cool over contain a future bonnerpocoypse down here. I cleared my throught, aggressively.

“Must be another Crazy Kid, I look like alot of crazy kids…just have one of those faces…I guess…” I said, barley condident enough for even me to belive it, Kevin faceplamed, to Flea and the rest of the band’s bemusemnt as they all passed arround a joint. 

My eyes remained transfixed on Flea, he was so hot, it was making me question my own saniaty, he was laker’s tshirt, a short black jaan vest, a short mohwak with a shaved head, massive monkey ears, giant frog lips, and perfect, sledner arms, and fingers. His smile, his lips in real life was so much more saductive then on any poster, he didnt relize the power his smile had, he didnt relize how much I wanted him, or maybe he did, no…he definitely did, and he loved it. Starting at Flea as Kevin started flirting with some of the groupies behind me left me me overwhelmed, turned on, englignted, starkstruck, and on the verge of breaking out in tears again. It was at that moment, I make the decision to forget about myself for a while, about my band, about my lies, about my entire life for a while, and give myself over to Flea, and become his Raodie, his partner, his everything, his slave. 

“Flea…and all other Chillies, *aheam* as well, uhhhh are ther rumors true?”

“What Rumors?” 

“That your looking for Roadies, for your upcoming Uplift Mofo Party Plan Tour?”

“Oh shit, yeah we are, absolsutly man. Wow he knows the tour name, and everything, ha ha.” Anotony quipped, letting chad stick a messy blunt in his mouth, so he could light it. 

“Really, oh great! What do I have to do man, I hope this isnt to forward but…I’ll do anything, I got mad skills, trust me! I do, right kevin?” 

“He does indeed, he does indeed.” Kevin said turning to the pretty groupies playing with his hair.

“See! Yah it’s true man, I been rockin out since I was five years old, I had my own band since about…last night, we broke up, but were gonna get back together real soon! we were in battle of the bands…Bad decisions you might have heard of us, uh, uh I’m strong I can carry the weak, and hungry…and amps, I can care for the sick, and needy! I can ride any kind of scooter, dirt bike, ive been to all the clubs, parties, hung out with all the rock stars man, I been arround and I know all the scenes and none of them are as sick as yours! I’ve litrally hard all your records like a hundred times,uh let’s see what else…oh! I can sing the alphabet underwater, I survived falling out a five story winodw, I party hard, and am down for anything, drugs, sex, space travel…I can talk backwards, I can carry any size amp, I know...sweedish…”

“Woahhh dude, you are way over qualified!’ Anonthy quipped, leaning back blowing smoke in our faces.

“Really?’

“Yeah, your hired.”  Flea said, smiling.Looking me up and down, as I almost passed out into Kevin’s arms, in pure shock.

“Wait…for real?”

“Yeah man, our tour bus leaves from Trenton, Tuesday morning, dont be late.” Flea said, with full confidence. 

“Oh my god, dude, holy shit, uh…you wont regret this! wow, I cant belive-”

“Yeah yeah, hey uh, kid how old did you say you were again?” Flea asked.

“17. But I turn 18 in ”

“Oooooohhhh, ok, ok, and whats your name?”

“Mack-uh, Lester, Lester Flatt.”

“Well, Welcome to the team Mack Lester Flatt”

“It’s Just Lester Flatt” I said, somberly but assured. Mack Lasher was a legadnd, the earthwroms had told everyone already about his exploits, he be belonged to the world now, as painfull as it was, I think I had to be Lester Flatt for a while, and disocover who the hell he is anyway, hofully someone worthy of Flea’s love. But dont worry Mack Lasher rise again, like a phoenix he’ll be back, more powerfull then ever.

“Welcome aboard Lester Flatt. Were pretty lucky man, not many bands’ get to trout with their 1# fan.” Anthony said.

“Yeah, dude you’d think we would have found him hanging  arround hollywood.” Jhon said, I blushed knowing their born n rasied in holwood so that comment was more of a wink and a nod for true chilies fans, and not just a factual staemnet…just incase it went over your head. I cant belive this is really happening, I cant belive it was so easy to get haired as a Raodie is that really all it takes? Holy Balls?! I turned too look at Kevin who was getting hansy with one of their pretteist groupies, a bueatfful black haired chick wearing a pink see throuigh crop top and short shorts so short they disperaered somwherw within here. Kevin, the lady’s man was on a roll tonight.

“Oh my god, guys, he’s cute, can we take his brother too.” The groupie said in an high pitched long island, with her arms wrapped arround Kevin’s neck as he blushed, and the chillies laughed. 

“Ha, I would love to but alas, I’m needed at Princton.”

“This summer?”

“Yeah, im starting summer school this Tusday a matter a fact, yes I know higher education isnt nearly as richious rock n roll but…”

“Nah, nah, everyone follows their own path, man.” Flea said.

“Yeah…they sure do.” Kevin responded to Flea, by smiling directly at me, a look that said a thousand words. 

And with that, without overstaying our welcome, we left. 

I looked flea in the eye on last time before the bouncer came back to drag us out. Before we could even say goodbye, or get on our knees and kiss their getair picks, we were back on the road, heading home. 

I felt like a totally diffrent dude leaving the concert, then the one I was comming in. I felt, alot of things my life has sort of been on a bipolar bend recenetlyt, like an album that keeps bouncing between all kinds of genres, I havent known what to think. Im not gonna Jinx anything but, seeing the chillies was so incredible I dont think I’ve ever had such a postive, happy time in my life dude, witch is sad to say,but it’s true. It was a watershed momemnt for me man, I dont want to jinx it, becuase every time I say things are starting to look up this week things pormpty take a nose dive rightg back down satans buttcrack without coming up for air, but this time feels diffrent, like things truly are looking up for us, and change is on the harizion. But right now me and Kev were just riding the high of a great show, a great night, celebrating our exting new futures as a Raodie and a Ivy Lueage student, as the eveninv breeze brew through our hair, and Kevin let the radio play the old folks station, blasting reruns of the same old Beatles, and Bob dyaln classics, but right now, such hopeful folkesy ballads actully fit the mood perfectly. Halariously, just as Kevin decided to turn the volume up on, All you need is Love,  the hippies from eariler drove by and started to sing along, in joyous unicucin. 

“Ayyyyyyyy!” Kevin shouted when he saw them, winking and blowing a kiss at Pataince as all her Flower girl friends giggled, as we all smiled, laughed and sang along all the way home.

There's nothin' you can do that can't be done

Nothin' you can sing that can't be sung

Nothin' you can say, but you can learn how to play the game

It's easy

Nothin' you can make that can't be made

No one you can save that can't be saved

Nothin' you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time

It's easy

All you need is love

All you need is love

All you need is love, love

Love is all you need

And in that moment, we couldnt imagine needing anything else.

Chapter Seven 

Separate Ways

Sunday, June 30th.

That Moring, I was awoken to the sounds of a fight, between Kev, and the rest of the husehold so loud I had to suffocate myself with my pillow and grunt as my alarm blarred louder then  billion sirens right in my ear lobes. It was as if my life had reset to it’s standard of brutal chaos, and unforgiving conflict, as if last night was just a bizarre dream, nothing but self soothing fanservice, clearly far too flowery and idealistic to ever take place in the life of Lester Fuck-me Flatt. But no…I wasnt actully hung over this time, I remmbered, last night was real alright, but it was clearly a one time deal, and I would never be blessed with a night that perfect ever again.

Witch was somwhow even worse. 

I rolled out of bed, smashing the alarm clock, going to put on some clothes for the day, to do god knows what in my new Bandless, perpoiuslless, extstsince, probably start packing, the tourbus leaves Tusday morning for gods sakes, I wasnt even sure what to bring. But to my groggy, barby awoken horor when I went to look for a shirt on my floor, everything in my room…was empty. 

Everything was gone, my clothes, my instruments, my posters, my nascar helmet and secret condom holding luncbox…were all fucking gone!? All that was left was my bed, but other then that my room was stripped clean, to it’s bleach white state it was in before we moved in decades ago, you could tell by the chipping paint and barly held up boarded walls. I almost passed out, where the fuck was all my shit, were we robbed by the worldest second biggest Chillies fan, was Rubin bhind this? Something told me, it wasnt either of those things. I briefly remmberred mom and dad talking openly about kicking me out of the house when Kevin goes off to college, but…as awful as they’d been to us, I still didnt think they would just up and toss all of a sudden my stuff without any god damn warning!? I mean dude, Kevin doesnt even go to Princon until Tusday, it’s Sunday right now!? Shouldnt they be at church, I hope they dont skip confesinoal becuase after this shit, they need to beg for forgivniss. Jesus would not have been down for this, he would have let me move in with him in his Coummune, with his 12 boy friends and prostitutes and play bodaicious music for evryone to hear, even assholes like my parrents becuase thats what christinaity should have been about–

Sorry what was I mad about again? Oh yeah, my stuff…

I barrlled out of my room, slamming it open in a fit of rage to stand fumming in the Kicthen, where Kevin was going at it with mom and dad in their biggest screaming match yet. About what else but, the fact they inveitibly found out he got into Princton, not Harvard, despite all Kevin’s big talk last night, he knew they would be mad. Because although any good, normal parrent would be beyond proud of Kev for this huge acomphsiment, Princeton is still one of the best schools in the country afterall, our Physco Rents were not having it.

“How could you not get into Havrd Kevin! No one in this town is nearly as smart, cicvilzied or well educated as you son, Harvard is your brithright!? What about Kent he managed to get into Harvard, no issue!”

“Well, mom, Im not Kent! For the last time I told you, Im an Indivudial!”

“UGh! I knew all this rock n roll cacakdoody would get to your head! We let you have your fun, play in your brother’s incepid little rock group, you had you fun! But now it’s time to grow up and join the real world, get a real education! It’s what the lord wants, but it’s loo late! We were to loving and to leenneant with you son, becuase now you didint even get Into Harvard! WItch is what you been preparing for your whole life!”

“NO IT’S WHAT YOU BEEN PREPARING ME FOR, MY WHOLE LIFE! LOOK, I-I-I DONT EVEN WANT TO GO TO HARVARD!?”

“What!?” Mom and dad both screamed at the same time, somehow stil shocked that Kevin doesnt want to be their pawn.

“What do you mean…you dont want to go to harvard?”

“He means…he doesnt want to go to narc.school, with Kent dumbasses! What are you deaf, does he need to say it twice, is there a fucking echo in here!? UGh!!” I inrupted them, holy shit I really unurptred them, you know what, it was long overdue for me to stand up for Kevin and spill my guts out at them after all the years of toremnet they put us through. 

“Lester what are you still doing here? We emptied your room last night!”

“You know what, save it! Ive been waiting my whole life to say this shit to your stupiid wanabee faces!” Kevin grit his teeth as I rolled up my sleeves and aprohed them with rage.

“I spent my whole life, being treated like I was worthless, like I wasnt even your son, like I was nothing! But you, you also had the gaul to treat Kevin like he was second best, to Kent, and would never ever, be good enough dsispite the fact he’s does everything you could possibly want, he’s the perfect son, and unlike Kent, the kindest, sweets, most genuine and loyal brother in the whole universe, and still you dont love him! I was always too afraid to stand up to you, because I’d be beat and spit on, But I always was anyway, and now that your gonna toss me on the street anyway, I have nothing left to loose! Mom, dad! Fuck you! You should have never had children, I hope one day Kent breaks free of your brainwashing too and realsise what sad, lame, and pathetic un-rock n roll, sad excuses for human beings you are! You should have never had chiliren if, you were only gonna love them if they did extatcly what you wanted, if they grew up to be perfect and fit the exact mold that you want, and grow up to be sucuuful make you monkey because no amount of prayers could make you anything but pethtic when you were kids, so you want to try to love viciarhously through us. It’s a tale as old as time, and until now we fell for it, and took the beatigs and the bait, day after day, but not anymore!”

I looked at Kevin as he cheered up, clearly shocked I finally stoop up for him, in a trumpent cathtatdic full circle momment as our parrents uicvered in fear again the sink. I teared up a little too as I smiled at Kevin.

“Love, isnt…conditoinal, you cant lie about who you are so that the lie is easier to love, thats what evryone wants from you when who you are is just too different, they want you to change into something easier for them to love, for them to look and accept, that doesnt challenge their world view or limitations. Man, ever since I was born, you raised me to hate myself, always making one thing abuduenlty fucking clear, as I was I was as unworthy of love as you could get. But if I learned anything lately, it’s that everyone deserves love, as they are, me, Kevin, and all the other abandoned kids out there, deserve to not feel like their exitsince in this world is the wors thing about it! And if they dont chance everything about themesves, they will never be worth a danm! and you know maybe if more, people out there had parrents who actually loved them and gave a crap about them, warther they got into Havrard or weather they spend their time Screwing dudes and sumbiting themeselves to the eldness toture that is the music industry and Rock n roll way of life!-” *Pasue for dramatic pause, as my parrents gasp and Kevin holds his breath*

“-Parrents, the extact opposite of you! You know it’s really wild dude that you have the gaul to kick me out, and get mad at Kevin over this when he’s deidicated his life to Pleasing you the diffrence between Princton and Harvard is as pointless and phsicicious as the diffrence betwen a golden crown and a dimond one, like truly what is the diffrence people!!? And your sorry assess are gonna go to church after this arrent you, as if you are or ever have been, Good people worthy of the lords forgiveness. Fuck you, I hope evryone leaves you, keeps and money and leaves you to rot in a nursing home to die alone!” I screamed, spittting at their feet. Before my mom finally said in a quivering whisper.

“Get out.”

And so my mother uivered in fear behidn her crucifix praying quietly, as my Father took my the shirt collar, the same one I woar last night, and flung me outside on the front porch landing staright on my ass, witch had barly rcovered from it’s past week of intimite struggles. I crid out in pain, as he tossed just a small duffle bag of essnailas in front of me from the loads of stuff in my room I assume they either god rid of or donimnted since now it was nowhere in the house to be seen, Kevin came running out on the front porch crying his eyes at as my father drunkly screamed at me to “get out and stay out!” casuing a scene for all of Ewing to see.

 

  

It was rough, I didnt just sit there on our porch and let him yell at me for long, pretty soon I regained my straight, I grabbed my stuff, and just…walked away..I didnt quite no where I was going but I got on my bike, and just rode away…ignroing there demannds to trun arround, apoaglize, feel, ashamed of myself and “llisten to my father” 

For the first time in my life I felt truly free, like I truly had nothing left to loose. I didnt owe them anything, they never once did one good thing for me or gave me anything a kid needs in this world, Kevin raised me, not them and I woudlnt look back now.

I was so exited to be a Roadie, for the chillies expected inevtivel family drama almost imeitibly faded into the background Life on tour was all I could think about, what would they have me do, despite how much I loved Flea I admit im a rocker at heart, I didnt really knwo the first thing about being a roadie. But Im a fast learner, whatevr I gotta to surve Flea and be a loyal disciple of Rock n roll, I’ll do whatever it takes. Now more then ever as I rode my bike into town, I was more ready then ever to just leave this all behind, with no regrets. But, even so, there will some loose ends I had to tie up. My Band, Trent, Beans and Lenny, I owed them one last goodbye, if they’d still have me. 

So I headed into town, to say my last goodbye. Ewing township, was wet with morning dew and hot delivery men driving back n froth., as the sun barley shown through the clouds on the hibernating little village, one of the last to awaken to the modern age, to the modern world, but I’d let it have it’s last gasp without me. I rode past the general store, barber shop, movie theatre, and diner, they were all closed. Ah Ewing, still as catholic as ever, Sunday the world closes, expect for one store, on the outskirts of town, witch just happens to be the same store where I knew the old band would be: Camelot records. 

I checked my watch, Jesus. It was already two pm! I’d slept in like crazy, Kevin and mom must have been fighting all day and then some to let me sleep in that late, well, thats the one thing I’ll thank my mom for, since I needed the sleep, real fricking bad after last night’s most triumphant chillies concert experience. Rock n roll requires many sacrfieces, im learning now that my beauty sleep might be one of them. After a quick, bike through town, likely one of my last, passing by all the faimalr sights of Ewing Americina, that I resented all my life, but now, all I saw were pink houses, unfihished…(John Meloncamp, still got it, baby.) But after a long journey and a short ride, like King Arthur and Sir Giwan before me, I finally made it to Camelot.

 Camelot Music baby, Man, I miss this place! I used to come here all the time! when I was younger and first getting into Rock n roll bands and great music, Kevin and I would spend hours in here just combing through the records. We skipped school on many a release day, yes even goodie 2 shooes Kevin used to play hookie just to wait on line with me for 7 hours in the freezing cold just so I could get my fat, grubby hands on the new Jagger, Bowie, Crue, or Chillies record before they were sold out or Kent could steal it. Man, let me tell you, it wasnt just for me though, Kev, was always a suck up, and let me take the rock n roll rains, but…boy, did he love his Springsten. He wrote whole essays about him, how he renewed the american dream, how much he wanted to be like Bruce if he wasnt such a chicken at life, all American…and Badass,conformist and revelutonriy, consistent and contrictory, evrything and nothing, everything Bruce represented, Kevin longged to embody all his condirturtions, proudly…and fearlessly, dont we all Kev, dont we all. 

Kevin used to play me Born in the USA, and explain to me in his Genuis academic thesis forming sort of tone, how the song’s anti-war message was mistinturpted and lost in the pomp and bombast of bruces’ rock n roll performance, and how Ragan using it for his campan was the perfect microsama of the Amefcian machine swallowing up all art critical of it backing it’s up into it’ own cpataisit, imperiirsit, clalaonsist world domnanating michcine. Seeing Springstein in a poster for his new album, Tunnel of Love in the window of Calmolt, made me think of Kev, and all the good times. It made me think of all the times he used to take me to wait in line to get our copies of Born in the USA after the big game, and I took him to wait in line when Freaky Styley released all day in the cold two years ago, the same year our band was forced into selling Full Spread outside in the cold instead of decorating our christmas tree or sining “Glory halaiunuiah.” I sighed as I locked my bike against the turnpike, looking up at the only place in Ewing i’d really miss.

 

Alot of good times at that record shop, alot of good music, alot of good people…speaking of witch, there they were! I spotted Trent flipping through the sparse Sabbath with some of his older, mall goth friends, all headbanaging, looking like deeply traumtized mimes. Nearby, Lenny and Beans were of course harassing on the female empoyees, some bottle blonde, with huge frizzy blonde hair barley contained in a tiny purple, pokakdot bandana, with huge chunk pink hook earrings garish, magenta lipstick and matching nailposh. The poor chick had buck teeth, pink braces, huge blue glasses that could barley fit on here huge bobble head, she was skinny and tall, an hourglass figure with a giant gumball machine head, and a barly fittiing short poddle skirt, with dorky lady bug tights. Lenny yanked on her tacky red apron, Camelot uniform, almost kocking her slanted nametag reading the name “Maggie” off her Huge tits barly fitting in her unfiorm, distracting the frantic Lenny, and Beans. They didnt know I was leaving, not for good anyway, this was big news I hadnt seen them since the battle of the bands fiasco, and god knows when ill see them again after this, so man, choose your next words wisley. Oh god, who will I say goodbye to first? I looked over at Trent, who glared back, barley noticing me, turning quickly back to his grumpy goth clan.

Ok, Lenny, beans, you first.

“Please, Maggie you cant be serious!” Lenny pleaded with her, dropping to his knees at her feet, as Beans clung to her elbow tighty both whining and crying out, throwing a Tantrum of toddler pororotions. Jesus christ guys, what the hell could be worth loosing your god danm minds over?  

“P-p-please M-m-aggie, y-you c-c-cant, b-be all o-o-out a-a-already!?”

“Im sorry boys!” She say’d with a lisp, adjusting her glasses

“All the copies of Whitensake’s latest record are sold out! You should have been here in the morning like everyone else…”

Whitensake…seriously?

“Cant you at least check in the back, maybe you have some extra copies…hidden under the billboard sized pile of MICHECL FUCKING JACKSON you have back there!”

“o-o-or, or, m-m-m-maggie m-mybe, you h-have an e-extra c-copy up y-y-your s-s-shirt?!” Beans said reaching in between her tits, as she rightfy smacked him to the floor, as they both fell to the ground, groverling to her feet. They both started to thow an absolute tantrum clawing at her skirt, as she tried and failed to manatin order as all the other, normal consumers started to turn away and stare in cringe and confusion.

“Ugh! Get away perverts! You want the new Whitesnake record, you should have been here on time! Why dont you just ask your inbred girlfriends to buy it for you!”

“BECUASE THEY DUMPED US!!” They cried in uncin.

“Well I wonder why!? Humph!” Maggie said, storming off. Beans and Lenny sighed in defeat and embarrassment and everyone in the store, pointed and laughed at them (rightfully so) incuding me, briefly. This was the perfect time to strike.

“All this over Whitesnake? Havent I tought you better?”

“L-L-Lester?!”

“Heeey! Dude what are you doing here?”

“Here to witness you guys get your asses handed to you by Maggie, apertenty. Here” I said, helping their skinny asses up.

“Dude…this is a real tradgedy, like today could literally not get any worse dude!? I mean now how are we gonna score chicks on the strip, If we havent even heard the new Whitesnake album!?”

“Oh I dont think you’ll have to worry about that, you wont be able to stop hearing it on the road…trust me, I’ve tried.”

“Yeah, dude…so how you been holding up man, you know, since everthing went down on friday?”

“I’m…doing ok actually, never thought I would be saying that b-”

“-thats great man…hey guess what, despite the fact you got your ass kicked by Rubin and lost us the battle of the bands big time-”

“I lost you the battle?” Your really gonna blame me for loosing the entire battle Lenny, really? Wow, thats harsh, why dont you tell me how you really feel.”

“Yeah, but it’s all good cuz guess what Uncle frosty still agreeed to take me and Beans to his place in Hollywood this summer! Ohhh I cant wait, it’s gonna be so richioious, right Beans?”

“H-h-hell Y-y-yeah, d-dude!”

 “Who needs a lousy record deal, this summer were gonna ceach so many rad waves, get so many mad babes, and…me and Beans are gonna learn all the in and out's of the music industry dude and write em down in a little notebook.”

“L-l-little N-n-notebook, yeah.”

“Yeah with a little pen, and keep em secret in a secret little vault”

“Secret vault?”

“S-s-scret V-v-vault, d-dude!”

“Then I’ll put one of those locks on em to keep those serious rock n roll industry secret’s safe so we can use them when we come back in the fall, to start our next even better band dude!”

“Yeahhh, man! But you dont need to worry about all that shit dude, we dont need to know all their secrets, never forget real rockers operate on the outside, pretty soon those hacks will be trying to smuggle our music industry secrets scross state lines…battle of the bands is only gonna make us stronger dudes, im teilling you you guys are gonna be seninoirs this fall, your gonna own the school…and if we stick together, our careers are finally taking off, I cant feel it brotha’s” I brough the three of thgem in close. My arms arround Both their shoulders as they smiled and drew close in a group hug, a non gay, mutral embrace of brotherhood, hope, and epic richiouniss. 

“Hell yeah dude, this is a moment for a ages! I can feel it in my balls.” 

“Ok…Lenny, dont make it weird.”

“Heh…B-b-balls.” Beans said…drolling with lowring eyelids and a dopey slobering smile, as he starred at Maggie bend over to pick up some Peggeus Records on the floor by the register, reveliving her bright pink panties, casuing the impish Beans to have a rare moment of invasion of the Bonner snatchers, to the honnor and horror of all involved…espcially Lenny. Maggie ememitly noticed Beanns chode, covering up, gasping and running away in horror and humiliation, as Lenny cracked up, some chicks in the store smacked him for being a dickwad as they were known too, as Bean’s just seemed to remain stiff, parnazlied in place.

Lenny then turned to me, like nothing had even happened.

“So, is that all? You just rode all the way down here, on a sunday, just to remind us your not dead?”

“And why the hell would I be dead, Dipshit?” I asked, as he looked at me as if he didnt hear me. flipping through their latest Folk collection, looking for any all all Earthworms, just so I could refresh my Earthworm lore, maybe buy a Record or two before I went on tour incase I saw them again, afterall they were expecting Mack Lasher…even though he was dead to the world, he was still very well versed in the Earthwroms Discofgrophy, ecespcially their Older stuff with Marc Bolan. couldnt hurt to brush up…lying well couldnt be done without being well resrched afterall…oh shit that reminds me I came to say goodbye, but I was seriously putting off telling them I was going on Tour with the chillies. They always knew me as the take charge reckless guy with the guitar, the guy starting all the grassroots rock n roll bands that we were all in, ever since we were kids, never a Roaide they’d think that was a step back that I was stelling my soul somhow…but, I’d have to tell them sometime…Dont forget moron, It’s Lenny and Beans, their going to Claifoininia with their uncle and forced into another year of sertivute at Ewing highschool, their there probably going be jealous no matter what I do. Espically if it’s touring, even if I was scrubbing floors, if im anywhere near that tour buys with bueatful groupies, their probaly going to beg me to bring them along…even so I wish I was telling them, triumphny, comedinetnty, well earned, that we were all going on tour, as a band, on a world tour of our own, with Raodies, groupies, and stupid fans like us abound…but I will, someday, like Kevin said, Patience, Experince frist, learn, work, then…sucess will come. I looked at Lenny like an Idiot, laughng, at the fact I coudnt parce out the sarcasm in his voice when he asked if I was dead or not.

“Again. Why would I be Dead?

“From pure social suside…of course”

“Shut up dude, you dont event know what your talking about, no one has egged us, in fact…after the battle, I dont know about you guys but me and Kev were treated like gods, dude, in an ironic, toounege and cheek sort of way. We already have a fanbase dude, even the hippies love us! Kevin scored a date with one of them last night-”

“Whatever dude, just as long as were not treated with “Tounge and cheek” …unless its ours inside a hot babe right Beans?”

“B-b-big t-time”

“Sure guys, whatever helps you sleep at night…” Leave it up to Lenny to make everything about him and his nonexist charm with the opsnsisite sex.

“Seriouly Lester, thats great and all that the aftermath of the battle hasnt ruined your whole rep, it’s honestly shocking but im happy for you, I am, just as long as it doesnt bleed into our impecicble rep with the ladies out west, then were making sweet music baby-” 

“Ha ha, in your dreams, Narbo!” One of the local chicks said, blowing off Lenny’s advances. Flipping her massive flrizzy brown hair, and laughing with her gaggling of friends as they little bell rung as they left the store. That was Nora Jai, she was one of the presiitest girls in ewing a, super Senior, who Lenny has had a thing for since fith grade, and has always loved putting in his place, she’s one of the only black girls in ewing and defffintly the most fanshioble. She could step on Lenny and he would let her in an instant, I dont think she likes him back she’s leagues out of his league, but when he and Beans were with the Twins he was always Jelous whenever Nora was arround, especially when she never showed up to our shows…anyway, there goes Lenny’s ego for the day. He turned backt to teh reccord Rack now, blushing, flustered and seriously peeved. Having his balls, dignity and train of thought all forsobly robbed from him, dying to chang the subect as evryone else in the store giggled, at his Expencse. Man I was gonna miss him. 

 “Just so you know Lester, this fall if we do pop by Kevin’s fancy pants school, and that’s if me and Beans happen to have time in our busy schedule you know, the bands is gonna be mine…not yours, after the battle disaster, your years of running all our bands is over, it’s about time you let someone else take the rains in that department dude…”

“Yeahhhh, uh, about that…”

“What? you think you can do it better dsipite fucking it up every other time you had a band your entir elife up until now?”

“Du-du-dude, t-t-oo, f-far!”

“Ok, sorry! But seriouly this time, if we really want to go comericaial and mainstream like you keep talking abiout, like you wanted so bad from the battle , I think me and frosty are the key-”

“NO! Dude thats not it, I just, look somthing happeened ok-”

“Oh no, what the fuck did Rubin do now? Thats it! where is that son of a bitch, im gonna give him a taste of his own medicine!”

Lenny said as he and Beans rolled up his sleeves, ready for war.

“No, no, Guy’s dont bother, it’s not about that either.” Wow, only a day ago I couldnt imagine dismissing getting revenge against Rubin so off hand, let alone turing off Lenny and Beans from avenging me, how time distort’s things. 

“Then what the hell is it dude!? 

“Y-y-yeah, J-j-ust, T-t-tell u-u-us.”

“I mean, dont bother saving industry secrets for us to start another band this fall man, because…Im not gonna be here, man.”

“What do you mean your not gonna be here?”

“I’m Leaving town man, and not just for the summer, like…Im never coming back. I was kicked out of the house this morning.”

“W-W-Wha-When?” Beans asked, stunned dropping his massive pile of horded Whitensake Records on the floor with a thud. 

“Tusday…”

“No way dude, you too!? First you, now Kevin-”

“N-n-now J-janet and J-june too!” Beans said as they both broke down in tears. 

“Why does everyone keep leaving me man!” 

“Jusus, Chill out on the drimatics…dude, you dont get it guys ok, the Chillies offred me a job as a Raodie on the rmeaining leg of their tour dude, me and Kev saw them last night in atlantic city it was the greatst night of my life…Flea was reiidiclious, dude, you guys should have seen it!…”

“Danm, dude that is reidlious…!” Lenny shriked dispriuted Camlot’s chill vibe, yet again. Beans and Lenny were so happy for me but then they started to cry, they both started to break down looking so shocked and destraighted. Danm, they were totally falling apart now, I dint think they’d take my leaving so hard! 

“Awwww, But come come on guys, you’ll live, look I know it wont be easy…in fact it will most definitely be rough as hell, but you guys will surive without m-”

“Y-y-yeah watever m-m-man, d–d-d-dont give y-y-yourself too m-m-much c-c-c-credit now…”

“Yeah well…”

“Wait hold on…a roadie?! You? Lester Flatt, Mickey Fingers, The Mack Lasher, MR LEADER OF THE BAND…a lowley little, Roadie, for an entiere Tour? All summer long!? Do my ears decime me?” Oh here we go. 

“For your information, you guys know the the red hot chili peppers are my gods, I would go on tour as a theaprisist for their teddy bears if they asked me too. Being their Raodie as a rookie rocker is like an insane honor I got last night on my sheer, undadlurated charm alone…and because Flea is a ednlesless, merfecl gift to humanity that keeps on giving, and none of us are worthy…”

“But…thats’ crazy dude! The old Lester, would nver lower himself to be a Roadie for anyone, even the Red Hot Chili Peppers!”

“Wait!? Who’s gonna be a roadie for the Chili peppers?” Some dude from Trent’s goth clique exiteitily, pipped up, breaking their montrone head bang streak.

Me, Lenny, Beans, and Trent who still looked pissed at me but started to come arround a bit (hopfully) and his four gender amabigous goth freinds who he kept enietraly separate from us,untill now anyway. I looked at the goth dude who had asked about the Chillies, he looked like Trent, though to be fair, they all looked the same as we all gathered arround in the cornner of the store by the east wall where they stored all the bargain Boy Gorge, Gorge Michel and Human Leuage you know only the stuff that freaks and people who spend all their time dancing and taste testing party drugs listen too. No one I’d ever get along with or hang arround im sure. (not at all, for shadowing…)

Anyway, I was exietd to be the center of annexation of once even if was not for what I wanted it to be for, at least it wanst for heartbreak and breatrayl this time.

“Yeah, it’s me im the future Roadie, gulity as charged….ha the chilies are the best band of all time, so they make the abrupt switch from lead singer in the battle of the bands competing rock band to roadie, more smooth. Espically because Flea’s there, he’s soooo ho—nice, I siad nice, and supruringly, down to earth, he gave me the job himself you know, in his dressing roo-”

“Woah…thats wild man. Voilet Veveltrage, pleasure is all mine. I’m Trent’s brother, in the darkness Decent, and the way of the blood moon. A.k.a. We hang out at the Trenton mall under the abandoned escalator, it’s where the goth’s hibbernate during the winter months.”

“Oh my, where are my manners, My name is Lance, of course my chosen name is Raven J. Strage, Trent didnt inform us of your presence here today, It is an incredibly high, honnor to meet you, blood brother. Trent has told us fucking legands, war stories, about you guys in Bad Descisons, we were in the crowd last night throwing falcons claw and bloodstone at the heathesn who tried to cut your set short last night! And, what that sick, beast Rubin did you and your brother, we already Hexxed, cursed and cast dark magic against him and his family for geninrations for his vile deeds agains you, we honnor you and your brother your brave sacrifice in the name of metal, anarchy, and a new world order, and we honor you…”

“Uhhh thanks?” I had no words dude…Trent were where you hiding these guys!? Violet was probably femlale? With these gohsly white, painted, long haired, uniformly goth Trent clones it ws hard to tell. But the closer I looked at her tits, posture, her wearing some kidn of leather croset thing, having voilet hair and the only one to have the face shape, finger nails, boobs, hips high voice, and genral posture as she did…gave it away buyt the other three, the jury was out. Raven, was I’d say angenrgrnous and extremely freaky he had alien contact lenses and wore a word midevil coat, with like huge ruffles inside the sleeves and had really long hair, he seemd to be white underneath the makeup, unlike Trent who was notably native american despite the three layers of white powder, and was seemingly the only one. The other two who surrounded me and lenny in the Disco and HOUSE section now, were a big bulky goth, and a really short, skinny and evil, implish looking one who looked and dressed more like Beans then the rest of them. The biggest and bulkiest of the three, aprcohed me, his huge tummy bore a massive “Celtic Frost” Logo, what I presume to be some viking metal band theyt listeend to that I never heard of. I will be real, music, rock n toll is my life, but even some genres, like death metal, is not for me, in fact it escapes me how any human being can listen to that stuff an discern any words at all…an yet it’s Trent and his other freak friends, whole lives, these, these are the things In ,life I missed whgen I decided to devote every second of my life to my band. The tall bulky metal dude looked down at me patronizoingly, oh no, he was gonna ask me something about rock n roll wasnt he.

“My names, Zebb, I used to be a Raodie, back in the day.”

Back in the day? How old was this guy? these jokers were still in high scholl like us, werent they?

“For who?” I asked sketpoibly, as Beans and Lennie Giggled Behind me, still seriously weirded out by Trents friends as Trent stayed behind them, still Mad at me for our fight at the battle over everything and just generally being pissy thease days.

“Death.”

“Oh I get It brother, thats life isnt it!” Lenny stupidly chimmined in, intrumpting me with overly condidnent bravado like always.

“Isnt that just life though!? Always being nothing but a Raodie for death, never feeling like you helped them put on enough great shows before the tour is done…never having the woman you love-”

“Um Lenny, I think he means the Band…Death, you know, the metal band, like with…Chuck Schuldiner.” I said, as if talking to my baby cousin, holding up a Death Reacord from a nearby Isle, as Lenny tossed it in vsible confusion then embrasmenyt, as all Trent’s friend’s stared with the most deadpan looks of all time.

“Yeah I used to be a Raodie for them, and Anthrax too, summer of 85, what were you guys doing that year?” He said in a comically deep voice without mangly form any acomcplying facial expression.

“hasnt Trent told you? We were rocking in our own Band at the time, Bad Desiosn, we were on a roll, we were pumping out hit after hit-”

“Not really…” Trent said, kilinhg my dreams. God danm it! SO much harder to lie with your friends arrrtound. 

 “BUt we totally a cut a record that summer, you remember Trent?”

“Oh, how could I forget” He groaned

“F-f-f-full s-spread!”

“a bit of a childish name…”

“It’s not childish! it’s milti fasieted man, it could be about an a nice oiled up ass, it could be about a plate of orderves at a fancy dinner party for the king of france, it could be about the legs of a woman about to give brith to two identical twins who wil grow up to invent-”

“Yeah but, it’s still not very metal…Maybe if it was called full spread christs body across the crucifix, would have sold better and I would have hard of it.” Trent giggled at that comment from Zebb, so did all his goth homies, and so did Maggie!? Lenny and Beans were just as offended as me as this random goth freak’s sudden attack on our record for not being “metal” enough as if that was ever on our minds to begin with. 

Lenny ran to Maggie begging her to see if she still had our record in stalk from two summers ago of course she said no to them both sadly, at least in the moment, seeimgily proving Zebbs point. Fuck you Zebb, why is Trent freinds with weird, superficial freaks like you, that deosnt event sound like a mental record, that just sounds like a cheap christian rock alnbum in the bargan bin that nobody, not even the mormon missoniry who only listenes to bootleg, censored chrisnatn rock will buy!?

Besides, I dont care how metal it is, in 85 our songs were still on the radio, we were still playing local gigs all over the state even if we got kicked out of some of thema nd most of them were lame and beneath us anyway, including getting kicked out of churches, it doesnt get more metal then that!? Being a roadie for Death…come on, how’s he strying to spin that as a cooler summer, that’s inherinhtnter less cool by dehintion, I dont care that it’s me, or how descrased I am at this point as a person, or a rock n roll musical, I wont be out cooled by this freak, in front of my frends in a recond store in my own home town, no fucking way.

“So yeah, safe to say when it comes to the music industry overall, I have more experince then anyone here…” I said looking this guy in the eye, as Trent facelapmed and laughed, counting on the fact I forgot he’s done battle of the band’s countlee more times then I did witch I…didint fogroet, I just dont count battle of the bands for shit after last nighat that event is a hack from hell, if anything Trent tought me that, even if Rubin didnt attempt to Rubin my life, my sexual heath, Kevin’s eidtcaion, our set, and our future music career. Seriously fiuck that guy. When I siad this they all looked impressed even if still monotone and too cool to be impressed, expepct Trent.

“Blood brother. Having your own record out at such a young age, is wild. Music, is such a beautiful, fluid, misunderstood, miraculous tool to reach others in the dark relm and connect, on a primal level. Though for real, even though the red hot chilie peppers arent Metal enough for us, they still are funky as hell, and breaking new, impervious ground that…its totally valid in it’s own right, and 1000% has my blessing.” Said Violet, starting to scratch Lenny and Beans eye, and their dicks, to witch I rolled my eyes, in her light, femmine hippie goth sort of tone. 

“Thanks Vi, You know back in my day-”

“Your 17!” Trent said

“-age is just a number Trenty boy! But, Me and my boys here, who been in all my bands since the dawn of musical creation would go to Studio 54, and the Burbon room, and we would play for some of the biggest crowds in the country, this reminds me of that time playing that wild show with Iggy Pop and I gave him the idea to jump into teh crowd, and that’s how the stage dive was invented”

“Noooooo, bullshit dude! You ddint know iggy pop!”

“I swear to god! and to this day he still tells people, that the stage dive was my invention and he doesnt deserve all the credidt, but het rock n roll is a group effort, I got lots of stories, like that, hey” I said to her, trying to make Lenny jealous but more so to see how easity they would believe my tales, and shockingly they did, especially her.

“Hey maybe, baby why dont you come over and we can tell you some more stoires-”

“Lenny, leave my friends alone.”

“Nah, he’s cute, you didnt tell me your band was so experienced”

“Their not their, experienced bullshit aristists is what they are” Trent snarked

“Dont listen to him, he’s got daddy issues…tell me, everything you did with iggy pop baby,I wanna know it all” She wisprred in my ear.

before giving me a kiss on the forehead as if to bless me with good forutuen for the upcoming harvest like the magical purple moon goddess she was, making lenny jealous but also turned on.

“Yeah so, what’s your favroite part about being a Raoide, was it loading the Van? Plugging in the Amps, or was it all that last minute unatanging of the mictsands before checks?” Zebb asked.

“Uhhhhhh, I dont think Lessie here would Know Blood brother Zebb, becuase my buddy here’s a fraud he’s not gonna be a roadie he’s just saying wild shit to make up for the fact he MADE A MOCKERY OF ME, OF US, AND OUR ENTIRE BAND ON FRIDAY AND NOW NONE OF US ARE EVER GONNA LIVE IT DOWN!?”

“Woahhh, Trent dude…is that where theres been a stick so promapntly lodged up your ass this whole time!? No, man I really am gonna be a Raodie on tuesday, thats why I came here…”

“too what? to lie about it? like you lied about Rubin, and the band, and everything else dude! Im sorry, the band is over, it’s almost summer vacation I graduation high scholl tomorrow, I just wanna have one day of peace and quite with my real friends not the the members of my disgraced band, at three in teh afternoon on a sunday!? Ok is that too much to ask so can you all just please fuck off and leave me alone!?”

“No, but Trent you dont get it im not gonna get another chance…I Know I lied about a lot of stuff before, and I scred up the band, and the show, and Im sorry I really am, Im sorry if your reupetauoin is ruined now because of, I let my disire of revenge against Rubin and my selfiih absolute need to proove eveouneg whos ever doubted me wrong, and to win and success at all coast but thats extactally what Rubin did man and thats what I hated him, he didnt care who he stomped on on the long way to the top, but I do, so im not gonna keep going, im gonna stop, and make amends becuase I care about you guys more then I care about tempeory success that I know isnt even gonna last…I mean that…”

“Alright man…but you dont have to lie that Flea himself gave you a job as a Raodie for the chile peppers tour this summer all of a sudden, to impress us, just to make up for things, dude I forgive you you dont need to lie on t-”

“Thats the thing it’s not a lie! I just got finished telling lenny and Beans all this, I really did get a job as a Raodie from Flea last night, just ask Kevin.”

“Ok, then where is he Les, where is Kevin, hmhm?”

“He’s at home, getting yelled by our parents for noyt getting into Havrard, true story.”

“Danm. Thats fucked up.’ Zebb said looking down.

“My mom said, if I dont get into Yale or Harvard, she’s going to give away my puppy Noodles to a maybe-kill shelter.” Maggie said, killing whatevr serious ish tone me and trent had going on before.

“Dude, I just got kicked out of the house…like for good, im basically homeless this tour is my only ticket out of this dogshit town! Thats the only reason I came here today-”

“Why DID you come here, Lessie.”

“To say goodbye.”

There was silence, everyone stared. I stared back, relizing in that moment, even if this fall I managed to rope Lenny and Beans back into the linup of a new band at princeton, I might never see my band, my freinds, ever again. 

“Lester…you’re serious?”

“Yeah…I’m sure I’ll see you for a bit at tomarow’s ceremony, but yeah after the tour, I have no Idea where I’ll end up…but wherever I go, hoever many platnum records I win, or bands I start or breakup, or pepole I become or places I go, I money I make, or people I love or hate, or…things I reget or really really fucking dont, all I know Is right now, I just know I will really fucking miss you guys. and Ill never forgt you.” Danm, tearing up already. Lester, you asshole, you rally are going soft. Danm it! Here come the waterworks. I need a tissue now, im getting snot on my shirt collar.

That won everyone over, my band, my friends, all tearing up a bit in a heathy honest long pent up finally letting it out sort soft way that I walayws dreaft of (not like that, danm you and your firty mind) came togethr in a big group hug, that drew cheers, “awwww’ and some ewww’ sdn groans abut mosty cheers from causal Camolt store goers and even people on the street. Just like that, Lenny, Beans, Trent, all four of his goth friends, came togtether for a massive hug, arms tight arround eachuther, having a good cry, not afraid to share love between blood brothers, between freinds, saying goodbye in the best and most satisfying way I could have imagined. Most triumphant dudes!

“in the end” I said, teary eyed and rosy cheeked. 

“dispite how many cars we crashed into, I sure enjoyed the ride. and I would take it again, but this time I would…maybe wear a seatbelt, and maybe…let more experienced dudes drive frist, and masybe alos get a drivers lisnese before driving in Nasacar, and aslo not drive under the infunce while also madly in love with the undefeated Drag racing champion of the last 5 years-” 

“Ok we ge the metaphor Lester, you learned your lesson.” Trent said. To top off the perfect moment, Maggie, and Nora jai had returned to Camelot, and were so mooved by Lenny and Beans bueatfulk display of male vulrbility and affection they even got their phone numbers, crazy how easy it is when they drop the act. 

After we said our goodbyes, I finally found that earthworms Record i’d been looing for, it’ s of one their earliest and best Albums they cut in london with Bolan in the spring of 71, called “Spring Avenues” I also bought, some Forginger, Rolling Stones Sticky Fingers and Aftermath, my two favroite Velvets albums White Light, Loaded, and Squeeze, witch i’d had caset’s of witch I’m convinced Kent’s had stollent along with my Arrosmith for narrsous reasons, and evry chili peppers record as well as Born in the USA need me some bruce to remind me some Kevin of course, all thase records and my casset radio were more then enough to last me all tour, and all my life until I can rebuild my record collection away from home since home since demon mom and dad dad decided to trash every thing I love this morning especially my records, most of witch would take a lifetime to replace. Anyway as I bagged the good at the front desk and said goodbye to dear swet maggie for the last time, I relaised I needed to gumtree i’d saty in the touch with the guys incase I needed to call em up iuncase of a musical ememrygeny down the line. SO I had em all write their phone numbers and addresses on the back of my Camolt Music receipt, witch I would now save with my life. Lenny and Beans took the bus home the waved goodbye to me, saying the chillies were from california, and they were exietd to spend the summer in their home styomping ground, it made me smile they thought of Cali that way now because of me. From the bus stop they yelled that Uncle frosty had told them, the red hot chili peppers tour stoppeed in the part of california they would be staying in, when asking if they wanted tickets, before even knowing I was going to be on that very tour. I told them if they went to that show, I’d make sure to save them some VIP passes if I could, and say hi regardless. Lenny and Beans gave me one last hug before boarding the last bus home to their side of town, prompsing that in the fall, no matter how boring and strict senior year is, their coming to pirncon as often as they can to joun my new band, and yes it’s ok if it’ “my” band again, because they know thats always my thing. I told them they are like brothers to me, and I look forward to them showing up, knowing how life can be, their words could always be proven hollow but consitring weve been making music all our lives, I have hope on the othe side of this tour, like very few constants in life, there they will be, beings a drumset and a keyboard, crackibg jokes, and looking for wemon, followers, gooty, always there, always rocking, always behind me, no matter how hard I fall, I can always coundt on them, as I let them go, as I trusted and could count on little else, I could at least say, I coulnted on seeing them again. 

Trent waas a different story. He said he would never be in another rock band again in his lfie, witch I knew sort of in my heart  but didnt want to admit until he said as much. He said what he’d beenn aulluding to for along time, after all his goth buddies had left, Camelot had closed up, the sun had begin to set, and it was just me and him.  Trent said, he gonna graduate highscool, and start working at his uncle’s tattoo parlor in Greenwicth village, he said New York City was where it was all happening, and he knew I would end up there someday and our paths would cross again. The world would loos and amazing bass blazer but gain and amazing freind, and you know, I was ok with that. And with that I unlocked my bike, was pretty sure since it had been hours by now, things had calmed down at home, and Kevin and the rents had stoped warring at least for now. I looked back at Trent standing on the curb, basking the oranges and yellows of the setting sun, as his long black hair was blown into his fac making him look in my rear view like a beautiful majestic Gohst, made of black Velvet, floating right over my shoulder, never quite gone, but never quite present. The last thing trent ever said to me before I peddled away was.

“Lester, you know…it’s only gonna get harder from here, dont you…” 

And on that ominous note I went prepared to ride home, but before I mounted my old bike, I looked up at the telephone pole next to the bike stand outside the store with Raodie wanted flires, even some flires for the upcoming red hot chili peppers tour I was about to embark on.

1. 

After that gave me the the final motivation I needed I finally made it home to find mom, dad, and Kevin, all sound asleep on the couch in teh living room pratcily on top of eachother. I can only imagine how absurd and long their aurrel was to tire them all out this much, I dont know what It was that came over me but.

I placed a blanket from the foot of my bed onto my sleeping family. The summer nights have been chilly. I watched them sleep soundly, my fathers breath didnt smell like liquor, though it still smelled rotten, I sighed, leaning down to kiss my brothers head. I for a brief moment forgot myself and my life, I removed my fathers dirty workers boots without waking him, I removed my mothers church hat and reading glasses that she dozed off in. I placed two off my own pillows underneath their heads. And last but not least, I adjusted, my brother’s body ever so gently so that he was faced hornizontly and my parents were faced vertcly on the sofa, so not to squirm or overlap to much while resting. And making sure my family, after a long day of church going, and loud, yelling, fighting and burnt out, they deserved a comrotoble, good nights sleep. 

With that I went into my room closed the door, slid into my now coverless, piwlowless, shleess, bed, and shut the lights off. And went to sleep, dozing off, pretending for the breifiest of meommets that they were a family, that would do the same for me.

As I driftted into a dream, I had to acecpet that was all that ever was, since in the momrninrg, I would be kicked out aggressively to the curb, my dad screamed at me to never come back as Kevin cried. 

So I already was this mroing, I wasnt even sopporsed to sleeping here tonight. Lenny, and everyone who’s jelouos of me for being a Roadie is right, I cant wait to go on Tour. At least on the road, I wont have any home to be kicked out of. 

Monday

Before I could finish my wet dream about Flea taking me backstage for my…special training, I was aburptebly awoken by the Cock outside, and not the fun kind. (not really…what? You really thought there was a real rooster outside, this is New Jersey, not a cartoon farm.) So before I was prepared to form thoughts or face the world, my alarm went off blarring, and I fell out of my bed with a thud, awoken abudtdptly from my blissful, Flea-fanctcies, to kev and my parrents screeching and running arround like headless chikcens, preparing for his high school graduation that day, losing their minds all ovr again along with most mostly of the the nahbohood, who had all been in a ear bustling uproar since dawn. Even all the best rock songs must come to an end, I wasnt ready to to get up and face the day quite yet, but I was more then ready for tomorrow to arrive, I had never been closer to freedom, I could just feel those cramped tourbus walls, as Ewing faded into the inrevent past behind me. Never have I wanted time to move faster, I thought to myself. But…you know dude, I’ve always found that time seems to pick up it’s big boy pants and pick up the pace a little bit when he’s got some rock n roll music to guide him, if you pick up what im throwing down. So, with that, I remembered I wasnt wanted at home, I grabbed my now half torn red Duffle bag with everything I own that they diddint trash sitting on the floor, across my barren, empty bedroom, I reahced in a grabbed my one prized position, my Sony Caset player and radio, I hooked it only my belt and let play whatever casset tape was already inside….

….My eyes wided, and a shit eataing grin ate my face. Everything came full circle, as the gutteral opening riff of “It’s a long way to the top, if you want to rock n roll” By ACDC, started playing. I walked out of the house, with confidence and clairty as the song, like it had so many other times before took full control, and fast tracked the day, as evrythinbg going on just because the montgoge to the music video for ACDC (that was obviously, way less badass then the real one.) Mom and dad’s screams for me to get out of the house, that I was trespassing on their property, and Kevin’s trumpment cries for me to disiboey them, all faded to white noise as I let the music take full controll, Angu’s mad riff ripping through my skull, my head, my brain, and my soul baby, as I walked out into somwhere. I knew, there was no going back now.  This was my victory lap baby, for the first time, I was just sitting back, and enjoying the ride, giving up the reins to rock n roll, in a world I cant control. Today I was nothing if not a well worn student, protecting the many teachings within the book of Kevin, most of all, living in the moment and being there for other peoples day’s dude, not just your own. Man, I felt good, this song was good, Kevin was graduating with honnors and valaidorian and going to great school, I’m going on Tour with my favriote band of all time wich is a dream come true, make Kevin was right, I didnt even need to get revenge on Rubin, I just know that sucker’s miserble, he’s never gonna be as happy as I am right now in his whole stinky, blonde, buttchin life! And you know what, I never thought I’d be saying this, but…thats enough for me, even if It turns out not to be true. I was riding high baby, as I rode my bike to the school grounds as graduation ceromeines were set to start in an hour tops, and the whole town seemed to have turned up on the football field in attendance, even people with no kids or even grandkiss even in highscool. It really is a long way to the top, and Trent was right last night, I haddnt even really started my rock nn roll quest, it was gonn aget alot harder but…I knew one thing for sure, I dont care what it takes, or how long, how much blood, sweat and tears I have to give, espically after this year Ive never been more sure of anything in my life, I will dedicate my life to Rock n rol, I will die for it, for the artform, for the rebellion, for the movement, I plague the remainder of my life, now and forever. But dude, put a bullet in my head right here and now, I wil go get my dad’s gun right now and hand it right to you, if I ever, and I mean EVER turn into The kind of imoral, god awful, sell out Rock star that Rubin is. Mick jagger, Freddy Mercury, Elton Jhon, Iggy pop, but most of all, Flea is the kind of rock star I aspire to me, man, and If I ever loose sight of that, or start hating myself again so much I need to lie about everything about my iddindity in order to succeed, and creating myths arround Mack Lasher likes he’s some sort of split prsonility who’s just society’s ideal of a rock star I will never live up to, that I already lied to the earthwroms about to padd my egoo about Rubin beating us witch I will now have to live with for the rest of my career…then you have permission to shoot me for that too.

But right now, this ACDC song seemed to sum up my entire life with every word as I rode onto my high school grounds probaly for the last time, I felt really good, like how the music is supposed to make you feel…reminded me why I got into this business in the first place. I smiled at all the faces that rpoably hate me and only just got the image of my bare ass out of their prestine christain brains. But Shame, and judgement just washed off me as I smiled effortleeslsy, I couldnt even frown if I tried, it all did  I was as happy, and free as I’d  ever been…trully, really rock n roll dude. 

Smoking that 3 year old joint I found when cleaning out my locker, didnt hurt either. That song never ended, as the song seemed to form the day’s events arround it’s verses…as it all truly washed over me…fassforading arround the music, as time sped up…and Bon Scotts sexy grizzled voice took control for real, leading me on a guided tour of the last day of the rest of my life…and dude, you should have seen it, life…it was something else, man I got front row tickets and everything…

Ridin' down the highway

Goin' to a show

Stop in all the byways

Playin' rock 'n' roll

Gettin' robbed

Gettin' stoned

Gettin' beat up

Broken-boned

Gettin' had

Gettin' took

I tell you, folks

It's harder than it looks

It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock 'n' roll

It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock 'n' roll

*(Kevin’s graduation flowed to the same, melody of Bon’s Voice:)

Kevin reads his grad speech

1. 

Evrybody cheers

We all Take a picture 

Kent just flew in last night

He already wants out of here

 

SO! If you think it's easy doin' one night stands

Try playin' in a rock roll band

It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock 'n' roll

… Hotel, motel

Make you wanna cry

Ladies do the hard sell

Know the reason why

Gettin' old

Gettin' grey

Gettin' ripped off

Underpaid

Gettin' sold

Second hand

That's how it goes

Playin' in a band

… It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock 'n' roll

It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock 'n' roll

 It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock 'n' roll

It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock 'n' roll

… If you wanna be a star of stage and screen

Look out, it's rough and mean

… It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock 'n' roll

It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock 'n' roll

… It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock 'n' roll

It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock 'n' roll

… Well it's a long way

Well it's a long way, you should've told me

It's a long way

Such a long way

The song faded into the night, as I found myself, somewhere…famalir. I awaoke, as the music released me back into reality, to face the skyline. I found myself, where I’d spent thousand other loney nights, flatearthers hill, looking out over the busy highway, during a foggy, clear night, under the warnth of a Harvest moon. It was so bright, like a second, dimmer sun, more fitting for an october harvest. It was making me wish I’d bought some Neil young records at Camolt yesterday, to pair efforteletlessly with the tonights wistful vibe, Harvest moon and all. I touched the dry grass beside me as it blew through fingers…suddenly my eyes shot opeen, oh crap, dude whwere is it!? I started feeling up and down my Leather jacket, witch I’d been wearing since the chilies concert, checking all of my pockets and padding down the surrounding area, I had been so lost in my musical coma as intended, I forgot where I was, and where I put my stuff!? Suddenly right before any majoir freak outs could be breached, I felt my red duffle bag and plastic bag filled with camelot records and precious phone numbered recipitcs hanging across my chest, stuffred underneath my jacket. I sighed with relaf, as I floped on my back on the greasy hill clutching the bag to my chest, all my earthy possions left in the world, most valuable of all, my music. Sighing with reieif as I took off my headphones and let them hang off my neck, looking up at the stars before closing my eyes, letting the ants crawl in my sleeves, becoming one with the hill where I always felt safe, without a care in the world…worndering, if this, was really the end.

“Hey, space cadet, back to earth at last?” a famaailr voice called from, behind the broken fence, climbing up the hill to sit beside me.

 

“Yeah, I think I’m just gonna head back to my home planet, actullty, It was infinitley far surpinior to earth, in like every way.” I said, as Kevin rolled his eyes, ignroing his muddying cap and gown in the littered grass below, putting his sweaty arm arround me. 

“Oh well, thats too bad…dont you at least wanna mark on this infferior planet while your here, by I dont know…planting your flag?” Kevin said, revelavling a small white flag from behind his back:

 

 “Oh my god…Kev…you did not!”

“Oh I did…from this momment on, I hereby declare this hill, Flatearther Hill, property of Rock n Roll! And Just like we talked about in the car dude, right now, were gonna plant it together.”

“Oh my god dude…this is crazy! I cant belive you actully had this made, this is so nice, the qulaity, the font, and you have everything I said printed verbtaim,….how the hell did you possibly have the time?”

“It’s a flag dude…not a nucalr reactor, was no big man just some basic crafting.”

“It’s been twenty four hours!?”

“Ha ha well, if you must know, it was a gorup effort, the whole Band chipped in…”

“Oh my god…this is totally insane dude, like…I dont know what to say…”

“How about..lets dig?” So..we planted the flag, on the highest peak of the hill we didnt have shuvlues, no doubt it would blow away soon, or get removed by some factory workry or loose mut, but right now, it was planted the hill was ours, and the rest of the world was next. This is what Lance Armstrong must have been feeling when he did the moonwalk for the firstime, truley historick stuff for rock n roll, we laughed and fell on our asses like a couple of shiffaced Elvis Imperonators who forgot to desgnate a driver.

“Hey…since this is our last night on flathearth-”

“Too soon! come on man dont say that, you’ll make it true.”

“...Well, just in case it is…and we happen to fall of the flat planet ito the vacum of space, I brought some parting refreshments.” Kevin said, smugly holding up some Jeppson's and two little shot glasses. 

“You…sly bastard.” He knows me too well. He probaly stole it from dad, or even better, from the graduation after party, but erither way, we knocked back a few…for old times sake.

“We’ll it’s been a long night, i'm wasted, I think im’ head home, ya coming?” I said staning up abaudping, dunkrly wobbling to my feet.

“Woah, leaving already?” 

“Yeah, it’s been a long night, man, I wanna be well rested for tomorrow. Besides, you know im gonna have to crash in your car tonight, dad isnt gonna let me sneak back into my room…”

“Ok hold your horses!” he grabbed my hand and yanked me back down beside him with force. giving me whiplash.

“That’s all well and good dude, but whats the rush, the night is young, it’s your last night here! You could wait to do all that until after you and I have our fun, come con!! Well rested? Old Lester would never past up a night like this. We might never get another night here again, cant you wait just a little longer…”

“Cant wait? Dude I cant wait another second to get the fuck out of this place! I mean it’s clechie at this point, do I even have to repat why? it’s like the origins of all the other Epic, insanely tallented Rock stars, who came from nothing and were douted his whole life, who comes from a small country town to the big city, to follow his dreams only to get shot down, time and time again but then eventually achive sucess only after selling his soul to the corprate dark lords…I mean, Jhon Mellcamp, Springstein, the same story over and over it’s basicly a stapel of the genre just as much as a real life step by steop guide- I mean you love Springtsien you know, I dont want to follow that bueprint Kev-But every american rocker has to start by getting the fuck out of the dirt town, and franky I shouldnt have stuck arround this long-”

“Alright, Les, I understand…We can starrt heading back soon, but right now cant we just, sit back and enjoy the-”

“Ugh? What? Enjoy what Kev? The Bueatful rolling hills of White America, White Castle, Whiter picket fences!?”

“The Momment! Enjoy our time together? The last remaining unsullied moments of our chidhood?…gosh, why do you have make everything such a bummer dude, like you just dont know how to be happy for fourty five seconds!?”

“Ugh! I’m sorry dude, I just…I wanted to spend our last night on this hill with you, most definitely, but were like worlds away from who we were last time, you cant deny it, we cant go back to the way things were…and that’s good, I never want too, but I can never see the hill as just the Hill anymore dude, it’s all just part of Ewing,even if it was the best part, and I think we can both agree, Ewing township New Jearsy…Sucks Balls. But you cant be surpised dude that I want to dip out early tonight, and not spend another second awake in this sad futile excuse for an area code, this place has only ever treated me like human feses, it’s only ever meant pain and the absusloute eppeiodity of everything wrong with this boring, mipoic, dull, conformist world. Look I dont mean to bum you out, I know im gonna regret blowing our last precious momments together tomorrow or whatever, but I have no soft spots here, no attachments, I get that you still do but-”

“Woah dude! What makes you think that?”

“....Uhhhh, literally everything…I mean even just now, you wanted me to stay-?”

“Yeah, here with you, becuase your my brother, and im leaving tomorrow and we always come to Flatearthers to escape and celebrate, not some abstract allagnaince to this town. Oh my god, I think Kent may have spiked this Berbon because you are NOT thinking straight…Dude…I know everyone still somehow views me as Goldenboy, Perfect Kevin but, Newsflash I dont give a shit about this town any more then you do! Just because I was lucky enough to fit the stupid boring mold of the spifiic kind of person that gets favored and privileged, doesnt mean I ever asked for that or liked any of those people, in fact, I rather disposed them, the uppider, ineiled, racist, sexist, rude, utterly tastelss, innane, fucking cowardly lot of em! The way they treated you and just about anyone else who was different always sickened me to my core, the way Kent was always gonna be suprinior then me my whole life despite the fact that I was always trying just as hard, Paster anglas and the whole chuch abusesing our habahors chilren and epexting us to just keep quiet about it, Our economy being in shambles but evryione always blaming the most helpless person instead of ever the bstards in charge, the fucking way they would treat wemon, Roxy, you know I wasnt joking half the time I tried to teach Lenny and Beans better, the way Dad would act and hurt you, and the way no one was ever, ever just kind to eachother, so scarcely it made me want to cry for hours till my body dried up.”

“It’s ok, Kev’ we been over this, I forgive you for all those years of not standing up for me as much as you could have, you already did so much more then most, and…really, it’s no big, I understand-”

“No, Lester I actually dont think you do. This may shock you, last few years I managed held it together for the sake of appearances as moms golden boy and getting into Havard, and we all know how that turned out, but I actually despise the kind of person they want me to be, the perfect man who follows all of sooicty’s rules to a T and never thinks fo himself, allows himself to be scaopgoated against his most vuriible and at risk friends, idly stands by as their slaughtrred right in front of him when he was all the power to save them, and countless more. I Hate that person Lester, and all thease years, deep down I know it’s never been me. The person, my parents tried to mold me into, That’s Kent, that’s their predeinsined Minion who’s future of securing their forutuene and being a raging dickwad corprpate lawyer is alread y sealed. Being in a band with you, dude, is honestly what gave me the power to see, I have it within in me, to break free of my god given chains.”

“Oh…I didn’t anything man, you were always a total badass, that shit, was all you.”

“Um, not eneterly. Before I joined Bad Decions in 85, I was miserable, drowining in church, school, Kent, dad, expections, and fear, I would never be enough. But once I started playing guitar and being part of a band, dude, it was like…a switch went off, and I relized my way of life, what I thought was, a moral and good way of life to aspire too was actual limiting, and not actually what I wanted at all, Roxy told me the very same thing, and it changed my life for the better, from then on I was questioning everything, doing everything in my limited power to stand up for the weak and defnelss and change the way I saw the world, witch isnt easy but…I knew one thing, if you live in a world that teaches it’s pepole that there’s only one way to be, that’s right way, the only way, then you owe to your fellow humans and the future alien visitors to do something about it. You once told me Rock n roll is about sticking it to the man, well dude you said  that so much I think somhwre along the way I may have taken it to heart…Im not a rock n roll musican, but the rock n roll philosophy, of rebellion, and revlaution…I will carry with me, for the rest of my life. Thanks to you, dude. and Look, I dont care how absurd and messy you think this year has been for you and your band, if you can spread that exact message through your music, to as many people as possible, dude, in the unique way only you know how, then dude, you’ve got it made.”

Wow…this is news to me, plot twist, I, inspired, Kev?? Thats a first. Nah, I dont buy it, must be the booze.

“Kev…do you really think I’ll write the song that causes the revalution that over throws the government.”

“I don’t lie…now do I?”

“No, no you do not. Also that hippie dude from our fanclub who predicted jerry garcias’ sucess, said he saw of vision of just that so…”

“Look, there ya go! Either way, even if you never get arround to starting national revolt, I’ll still be proud of you. ”

“Yeah yeah you always say that..”

“It’s true! Even if you fail upwards, and lead a rockband led by rejects of other t tier rockbands that never gets any air play, I’ll still be proud, even if you end up in a polyamoruous traid with two Deep sea divers, who convinc you all to get illegally married in a subrine that then gets lost never to be found gain, I’ll stil be proud, if you end up playing Christen rock or in a Whitesnake cover band I’d still be proud-”

“I wouldnt!” 

‘And if you end up living in a trash can on the side of the road in five years, leading a clan of racoons and try to raise them like human babies into an army of theives and to be your own perosnal rock band/arnanchist raccoon human/utilitarian t army to take over the world with only for you to get the eletric chair and for you and your racoon band, name: Trash baby”

“Great name”

“Yeah, I know right-and your last words would be “Good riddance, you guys were eating the ereal trash, and the trash was society, and it was eating you! even if you did all- that, I would still be proud. No matter what you do with your life, no matter what path you take, you will never be a failure to me, your my brother, and I will always be so fucking proud of you..unless you like blow up the world then maybe, not so proud…”

“But….I thought you said, you’d be produ no matterwhat.”

“BUt like…it’s the world, you know what I mean…”

“No, cuz you’d be dead so you;d be too dead to be proud-”

“No-beucase actully, so would you soo-”

“No because, actulyyyyyyy–ahhhhhhhhh!” Kevin tackled me, pushing me down, so we rolling arround and wresletd for a bit, laughing and screaming like a bunch of losers, we would roll down the hill too if it wasnt blocked by a barbed wire fenced, and leads straight to teh highway. Finally after I pinned him down, he tapped out, admitted defeated...which was fun to see, and we both layed on our backs, out of breath, im pretty sure some of my my records and walkman were smushed in my duffle bag at some point in the tumble, but they were probably fine, they were trough worse. I turned on my side, and looked over at Kevin, grinning back at me his blue cap and robes glowing in the yolky moonlight, as the harvest moon made it’s way across the stary sky.

“Kevin, do you think Patince is your soulmate.”

“Woah, Les, talk about left field…what-whay, uh, well, I mean just met the girl yesterday!? I don’t even know if I believe in soulmates.”

“What? You don’t? I sort of thought you did, didnt you used to say Roxy was your soulmate.”

“Well…I know it’s a novel concept dear brother of mine, but minds can in fact change, I probably thought that because she was the first woman I had a real relationship with, and I was all or nothing, as we all are with first loves, I think, if you and Rubin are anything to go on, anyway.  Now, I cant say I believe in soulmates anymore, I dont even think it’s a nice idea.”

“Really?’

“Yeah…like, the whole idea is there is only one person in the entire planet, who was meant for you, who you were desteinted to find and be with…Plato’s simposim, reuinting our broken half’s and all that. But, honestly, there are 7 billion human beings on this planet, what are the odds our “soulmate” is even in city, our country, hell…theres no guarantee their still alive at the same time we are. No, soulmates arent real, The “one” is a fantasy just like the perfect Woman or “the end of history.” I think love…well I dont know, I dont really think anyone can say for sure what it is but…I think if you know, you know…it’s not just for lovers you know, it’s what everyone in that boardwalk has for the Chillies, is what I had for Roxy, is what Beans has for Lenny, it’s what we have for eachother,  it’s what I could have for Patince and..”

“...and?”

“And, it’s what your gonna find someday too. He’s gonna be nothing like Rubin. He’s gonna be way more then just secrets, sex, and love lists, he’s gonna be handsome, and worldy, smart, patient, and maybe even rich…He’ll be supportive of you and your rock n roll  either a die hard collaborater writing every song with you the Paul to your Jhon or your rock, polctial and musical standing by you through thick and thin like Yoko. He’ll be invested in you and your success…and your faulure, your good days and your bad, he can take care if you when im gone, he can make you happy…becuase thats all love is dude. And most of all, he’s not gonna leave you when you stop lying and he finds out the truth of who you are…I promise.”

“...Man, it would be awesome wouldnt it?”

“What would, man?”

“If such a guy existed. Like that would be crazy….your imagination is getting really out there, dude im here for it.”

“Lester…seriously, Rubin was an asshole and you been through alot recentyly. But you made the right choice to not get revenge, dont let all his nonsense ruin your whole idea of love moving forward, please I couldnt live with that…he’s just one prick, in an ocean of other, equally shitty pricks…that, was gross. Ok, he’s a bad guy, and he’s not the only one, but there’s also a million normal, nice rock n roll dudes out there who are just waiting for you to sweep them off their feet, seeriosuly dude, theres a whole world of people out there, that will love you not just your music, trust me, you’ll see.  I know you know, your just fishing for compliments…”

“No! I know the biggest rock star of all time and he doesnt need no man, not by far! Mack Lasher dont need your flattery, Mack Lasher is the great Rock god of all time, he doesnt need the oveious status to him by mere mortals every five serconds, men are waiting in line arround his house afterall for a night with mack his agent had to start setting them up in youth hotsels, for the time being while he’s away enetenating his brother before he’s off to gather the old depomaaa. But as just a lowley fan of Mack Lasher’s ” I can hardly say, with any conficince….

“Ok Les, Oh hey speaking of Mack Lasher,  you didnt happen to tell the Earthwroms, aka one of the most famous folk bands of all time at the battle of the bands on friday, some…perhaps, less then true statements about him…?” OH no…how the hell did he know about that conversation? God danm you Kevin, just when I think I have a secret on you, you are always one step ahead of me!??!!

Oh god, that night was so crazy It never even crossed my mind he knew I was also lying about the mack lasher persona to other bands, he thought me how to lie of course, I promised I’d never lie to get famous, he’d be so mad if he found out I broke our promise, especially now!? uhh, oh no, um…just, play dumb!

“Nooooo, dude, what! who the hell are the Ring worms???”

“Uh huh…” Kevin said giving me side eye for days. The silsience is deanfaing. Just change the god danm subject already!

“Wow, Kev this berbon is great, were almost done, ya got anymore?”

“No…and thats enough of that for you…” He said snatching the bottle and shot clases from me with parental concern.

“You’ve had quite enough of that, we dont want you hungover tomorrow, Being hungover is the fucking worst dude, have you learned nothing, I doubt you wanna chug tomato juice right in front of your new Raodie friends?  Besides, being a Raodie isnt just a party dude, it’s work your gonne be moving heavy quemenint, vans, instruments, travling cross country, 24 hour shifts, your gonna be tempted to drink just to stay away awake, but trust me dude,  dont. Sleep when you can, drink water, and eat all four food groups.  Dont do drugs either, trust me you’ll be sorunded by them but you cant remember sex drugs and rock n roll, but…save that untill your a rock star and you learned how to handle yourself in the industry first so the lifestyle doesnt swalloow you whole. You dont wanna end up like dad do you? A sad, abusive, broken little man who never loved his wife more then the true love of his life, a cold beer.

“Your right dude! But you know who is the real love of my life is, -musically speaking of course-”

“oh here we go-”

“FLEAAAAA BABYYYYY!!!”

“OH my goddess, your obsessed I swear to god! Ok, as long as you remember he’s a celebrity, and any bond you guys form he probably has will all his Roadies, of witch he’s had hundreds, most of witch he cant remember jack shit about the second the tour ends, you guys are the help, nameless, faceless worker bees. He’s your boss, your his servert, one of many who will probably be competing just as much for his effection and for the tour to run smoothly. You know that dont you?”

“Yeahhhhh dude of course I know that! What difference does it make dude, it’s Flea! FLEA!! FUCKING FLEA, MY HEROOO, im gonna be his Roadie dude, all summer long, I still cant believe this is happening! I dont care if I had to clean the mans balls with a mirscroscopic toothbrush wearing a diaper and Jason X mask for 3 fucking days straight, I would do it in a heartbeat!? It’s Flea, only a year ago if you told me I would be doing this, i’d tell you Dream on and give me back my Aromsmith, but hey look at me now baby-”

“Well, as long as your happy man, just as long a sthe power dynamic isnt lost on you, go wild man. all the laides love Flea, all the dudes too, everyone is gonna be jealous of you if they hear you guys did some freaky shit backstage man, but you got my blessing. I mean, he is your Idol, and by the way I pled with mom for like five hours not to throw out all your Flea posters man…ugh dont even get me started on them. They have been a nightmare this week, but I dont even wanna talk about that anymore, it’s so over dude, like…ugh. Our parents are getting no cards from teh nursing home, thats all im saying. Im just exited to finally learn with the best in the country, where maybe the football team is…not all cloested, and a bunch of violet bullies and phycoptahs, who all got fucking football scholaships by the way, becuase peaking in highscool is a myth! ha ha.”

“Oh yeah, enough about me dude…tell me about Princton? I mean thats not really my world…but what are you most exited about?”

“To honnest, this week the more Theory I’ve read about racsm and corupton inherent in Higher Education in Amercia, and my general rock n roll, radial pradiam shift for a while now, like I said it wasnt just your, or being in BAd decisions, or dating Roxy and her making me read Theory, or Aids or Rubins harvrard scadnal…it was caombnation of them all dude, making me go from a tool of the state to a revltonary fighting against it, and once I did it became impossible it ignore how overall shitty ivy lueage insittions are on so many levels, from how overly white and racists their admissions pocicies are, to their elitist, classist origins, to a million other issues I have with them, that make being a part of one very conflicting and sort of morally merky dude…”

“Wow thats deep dude, I just meant like…what classes are you exited to take, or whatever.”

“I ahvent gottenmy sybblys for summer school yet, but Im exited to study the classics, and learn about phycogolgy. Im currently undecided, if I went to harvard I think mom wanted me to be a Lawyer like Kent, now.im not so sure, Im thinking a physcogly major, or a nice baic litatchture major with maybe a minor in sosociogy, or social work, or something or other. something vaguely related to helping people, understanding the human mind and the human condition, anthropology, and the arts but that isnt to explicitly bound up inthe government invertntion..and will relstlt in making the world a better place, and can exploit princeton’s high credential’s with as little pushback as possible.”

“Good plan dude. And of course leaving loads of time to pratice your guitar, so you dont get Rusty. Because this fall, Lenny and Beans promised they’d be in Princton after the tour ends, that’s when im starting my new band dude, I havent decided on a Name yet, but with all my sick Roadie experience it’s gonne be 10x as epic as Bad Decions ever was. And I know princeton schedules can be tricky but were gonna need you back on getaur, and to help recruit some new members in the area to replace Trent and I was even thinking of adding a Voien and some backing vocalls for a new sound im going for. You’ll come back…right Kev?”

“I’ll try. But hey, speaking of music. It’s getting late and we should start heading home soon, but before we do. I wanted to give you a gift.” He pulled a perfectly folded sheet of paper out of gown pocket, witch I insticltivly winced at, and backed away in fear. Seriously after the lovelist, Kevin didnt have the greatest track record will pulling out imoproptu paper gifts for me…just saying.

“Woah dude, relax, it’s just a gift!”

“Thats what you said about the love list.”

“Oh my god calm down, you should be kissing my toes right now, how may guys brother’s even get them gifts at all, let along more then one? Besides, thats not all it is…” Kevin unfolded the paper soly on the grass, it was…Lyrics? To a song, I’d never seen before, he then whipped out his own casset player  pleased it on the lyric sheet so it wouldnt blow away. We both scooted in close, Kevin took a deep breath, looking me right in the soufy.

“The Last month before the battle of the bands, I went back to Frosty’s recodeding studio where we all did Full Spread, and recorded this. It’s rough, just a demo, for single I’ve been working on for a while now, I was onginally gonna try to get it on Spread or the battle lineup but I knew I couldnt,…it was always to personal, because…It’s a song I wrote you. All the great rock stars write trubiute songs to eachother, you always said with absolute certainty that one day even the likes of Bowie, Jagger, and Dylan would write songs about you, so I thought I’d be the first. I wrote down the lyrics separately incase your new band this fall ever wanst to record their own cover, or incase you ever want to remember the words, that are true about…how amazing you are. The song’s called, Larger than life.” He said, pressing play.

The song was stripped back, I dont know what i was expecting this was acomepte surprise I didnt even know he was working on this! Kevin was playing achostic getair, sining in a low, subdued tone…his voice here, oh my god, I just relized I hardly ever hear Kev sing, it was…bueatful. He sounded great, his voice was so unrock n roll but so right for this folk, fleakwoodmack,bob dylan, pete seager, ease genre he was going for here, of minmila instrmental, foocusoing mainly on the vocals, the lyrics and the message. His voice had a Lenhord Cohen, Reufhus Rainwhight sort of soulful tone, and muddled prorunucation if you can imagaige that. The melody was barley four cord, primal yet raprtuours the kind of melody I’d sworn ive heard a million times before, the kind ive heard in my dreams. A single tear flowed down my face as soon as the song began. The lyrics were so beautiful and pointed, Kev sounded like he was singing about some, great incredible person, like someone out of a folk song or a greek myth…not me. The song was one of the best songs I’d ever heard in my life. and these were the lyrics:

I hear this brother o’ mine

I wrote a song for you

about a strange kid called Lester

With a voice like fire and truth

He took all the brunt of living.

More than any real god would allow.

But he’s gonna be a rock n roll star

and he deserves to take a bow.

Ah, here he comes.

here, he comes, here he comes again.

He’s larger then life

and he’s too large to pretend.

Alot of rock stars get their start

breaking hearts and upping ends

But look out world he’s coming

I’ll stand by him till the end.

if you see, this brother of mine, 

Tell him, he should be proud.

He’s gonna be a big star, 

he’s getting outta this town.

Tell him he is lucky

to be one of the few to survive. 

Give us back our agency.

Give us back our Family.

Your every fascist’s enemy 

Never compromise your insanity 

Oh

He’s larger then life

and he’s too large to pretend.

Alot of rock stars get their start

breaking hearts and upping ends

But look out world he’s coming

I’ll stand by him till the end.

I’ll stand by him till the end.

The recording stopped abruptly, with no instruemtal fade out or anything. Wow. That was….I have no words. Like the soft, sappy freak that I apeprtly am I started to cry uncotruobly. Kevin just looke daway blushing, sitting pretty looking away from me at the skyline, so happy with himself. As I broke down.

“Yeah, I mean it’s a little cheesy I know, you dont have to listen to it again but I just thought-oh!” I lungnged, and hugged him hard, crying into his shoulder, whispering the words thank you lightly into his graduation gown. 

“Thank you, thank you.” I kept repetating almost roboticly, overcome with emotion like my body overtook my brain and just went ok Lester enough Rock n roll, funny jabbs and bullshit it’s ttime to feel things now. That song was genuinely the sweets most thoughtful, meaningful, gift anyone day ever given me. I hugged Kevin, for what felt like hours, as the honking cars, highways, the grass, the hill, the moon, the future the pass, it all fell away. He squeezed me tight and stroked my hair. I whispered in his ear as I whimpered and cried, snot coming out of all my holes, dude if anyone else saw me like this I would throw myself into traffic, forget the battle, my reputraion would never recover if any rocker saw me in this whimpering mess, totally limp and regressed in a rare moment of complete and utter vuriblity and helpleness in kevins big strong arms wrapped in his blue velvet, silky gown like the staure of liverity’s place that says “all hobbos welcome” are whatever.

“Im gonna miss you so fucking much…” I wispered in between sobs.

“Shhhhhhh. I know, I know. Just let it out dude, it’s ok to cry. But hey it’s ok were gonna be taking on the world right” I unbarried my head from his armpit full of tears, snot and emotions that had been storred awat for way to long.

“BUt dude!!!! It’s not gonna be the saem not having you be by my side to tell all my crazy aventure with Flea too, im not gonna have time to write you letters or Faxs or anything for formal updates im gonna be so busy and same with you at princton! UGh! DUDE, i mean you keep your prouf of me like evry time I fart, but Whats even the point of having the the most wilde, rock n roll fullfiling ault lives of our drreams if we cant even tell eachother about it!”

“Ok thats a good point, dude keeping eachotehr in tocuh is something we havent consitered yet until now…”

“well…consiter it then!? your the guinness-”

“Ok. I got it. Heres what were gonna do. Every, Friday, probably like, more then just fridat’s incase somthing really wilde happens but let’s keep to just friday’s fro now it’s teh end of the week, -things usually wind down, we have a one hour phone date-”

“Ew dude, dont call it a date, incest much?”

“SHut up you know what Im mean, so we set aside an hour, eevry friday night, Princeton has phones, cant be that hard for you to find a pay phone on the road, where we ceatch up all the crazy stuff we’ve been up to! and we keep it up untill your tour is over. So, how does that sound?”

“....Ok, that sounds pretty rock n roll, I could go for that”

“But you have to stick to it. No, ‘Oh Kev sorry Flea wants me to give him a belly rub backstage I cant come to teh phone right now, its a serious rock n roll ememrgy..’ none of that-”

“Ok! Deal.” We shook on it, hard. no backsises now.

“Jeez, I dont even sound like that, and that goes for you too by the way, no ‘oh sorry gotta hang up early I have to help tutor this really hot chick who’s tits need help memorizing Socrates Sypomosim.”

“It’s Plato’s symposium Nitwit, and shut up, I dont wanna haar any half baked Lenny/beans brand Sexsim out of you. Im hoping the rumors are true that the Chilies are actully pretty down with the libration of wemona and arent too classic rock n roll gropey-gross, as far as ive heard…”

“Yeahhh, those rumoprs are denfiftly true man, Flea is so nice to everyone, he resepcts Ladies so much, I heard he doesnt even date them.”

“Ok…you know Flea isnt gay right?”

“You dont know…he’s not dude? Do you know how many gay metal heads whole personality is worhsiping Flea that arent even related to me!!?”

Kevin just laughed. 

“Ok I think that Is our cue to start heading home besides it’s midnight, any later and mom send a search party out for us.”

“Let her! Maybe they’ll find something!” I yelled, Kevin wrapped his arm arround me. and with that, I grabbed my red duffle bag, stuffed Kevin’s casset and song lyrics safely into my caset tape and held it close to mhy chest for protection as we were walking home along the quiet boring, dark coldasalk road for teh last time. 

Tuesday.

That night felt like I dream, before I knew it was being shaken awake by Kevin. I was infact forced by our parents to sleep in his car though if they had had their way months agao I would have been kicked out and living on the streets in trenton begging for scraps so, comrpsosie is truley in the air. I was sleeping inebtween and on top of Kevin’s mountins of suciases and piles of stuff in teh back of his Hummer, he had already packed for Princton. So tightly in the trunk they had to be tied down by straps and bungee cord. that morning it was already lunch by the time I sat up from His Trunk, still wearing the saem clothes i’d been wearing all weeakdn and smelling now like fish oil and the most putrid BO I’d smelled like stince shitwater -gate. I would hate to ask for sprutz of Kevin’s callonge since my parrnets no doubt sold or probably pawned my fabebrgae already, along with tehr est of my earthey possesions. Just I winxed at the cent of my own skin, Our parrents came bursting out of the hosue still in their nightgowns and wifebeaters, reliazing it was already that time of the day, noon, Kevin should have already been on the road a full hour ago but…knowing our family being late, espicalluy with thease sorts of things, was expected. 

When he rents barged out of the house, they didn't even look at me in fact I’d been in the trunk of their son’s car all night, they just belinighed straight to Kevin dressed in his best suit, aholding his freshly ironed, strached and dry cleaned Pricnton tie and unform. He prentended mostly to be sad to go, kissing and hugging and taking on last family piture, all teh formaties of a big grand family goodbye of tehir progdiail son off to a good reciprocal college even if they spent every day up untill last night even bradaing him for not getting into an even better school…yet, still untill the final hour Kevin played the Part. I watched in desgsust as he let it drag on, for five whole munites a goodbye that lasted longer then Stariway to Heaven, teh etetended version.

FINALLY, our parrents go back inside the house and we both hop in the car, get on the road and are finally, on our way. Kevin play’s the radio and both The Chili Peppers and bruce springstein play on the road, rocking both our worlds. Before we knew it we pulled up to the Trenton tourbus stop, I dont know how Kev knew where in all of Trenton the pick up would be since they never even gave us an address, but tehre they were two black red hot chilli pepers busses since we were late we sped up to them frantically. Kevin and I jolted out and ran across the street almost getting hit by three angry drivers.

Blocking the bus door was the Mountin, the same bouncer from the concert.

“You late. All raodie already inside. Get in.”

“Wait, um can we at least say goodbye real quick!”

“Goodbye? hmmmm…..do it now.” He said in his gruff russain aceecent.

I turned to Kev, quick and Franticly, thinking of all the goodbye things I never said last night or before but now i cant remmeber becuase were under pressure and beingw atched by this russaian mountain of a dude! Ugh! Kevin just hugged me. Keep it short and sweet I thought. I can always call him and tell hin this Friday, witch since today was tuesday was in…three days dude! WOw, thats not that long.

“Thisnt GoodBye, little bro. It’s just hello to a new era” He said. Hugging me, Picking me up.

1. 

“Deep as ever.” I said rolling my eyes. 

“Oh you think im deep now, wait till im at Princton, a month in im gonna be insufferable I already know it.”

“Bye Kev, I’m going to make you proud, I promise!”

“Ya already have, little man.”

“Dont be nervous.”

“am not..”

“But it’s ok to be nervous…you never done somthining like this before.”

“It’s ok not to be nervous and to just be really exited to kick ass, and to serve Flea’s every waking wish and become his one and only and get a fist rate inside look at teh rock n roll world and one in a lifetime rock n roll education for my future world domanation…all summer long?”

“TIME IS UP!!” The mountine bellowed. Kevin looked at me assuredly.

“Goodbye Lester. Take care of Yourself. Things are just getting started dude, go easy on yourself, be patainent…”

“Oh speaking of Patince, tell her I said Hi also use protection.” I yelled as Kevin walked away lughing at my crassness waving at me as I waved back.. I got on the bus watching him cross the street as I got on the bus starting to walk pass mountain man as he prepared to close the doors and hit the road, I turned my back…before Kevin called out.

“Hey Les!”  I spun around. 

“What?!”Yelling from across the street out the open door of the bus.

“Give em hell.” He said, winking. As he got in his car, and drove away.

The Chillies tourbus and Kevins Hummer drove down two didfrfent roads in a fork in tteh road perfecly dievrg on two diffrent paths, almost like the mepathor was prepatckaged. And so we were off to the races. 

But dude, im warning  you, no amount of forhsaddowing bullshit, Kevin’s time travel crap, or even Marty micfly’s time travel fbulshit could have prepared me for what was aboutt o go down. Because You know what they say What happesse on the road, stays on the road.

To be contuined. 

(In book two)

Lying Flatt: Love is a battlefield 

1. 

 

 

 

 

  

Lying Flatt Google Doc (dtaft five/still updating)