If you just wrapped this up, I highly recommend taking a month off to let it rest for a bit before diving back in to tweak. Distance is going to provide some necessary perspective, and I think you’ll pick up on a lot of things that beta readers won’t.
That being said …
⩥ The basic story is great — I honestly didn’t know how invested I would be in the life of a fictional rock star, but you sold me.
⩥ I didn’t get anywhere into Mack’s career, but the teenage angst jumps off the page. I don’t know if you have any experience with being a streamer (I don’t), but I was convinced you were writing from a place of personal experience. And if you weren’t, you sure had me fooled.
⩥ Your dialogue is fantastic. All these conversations ring with authenticity far more than the last handful of beta reads I’ve done.
Dialogue
I think there were several moments in Chapter 2 during the Lester-Kevin conversation where I lost track of who was speaking in particular paragraphs, and I think there’s an opportunity to give Kevin a more differentiated voice to make it clear who’s who — like, maybe 25% more youth pastor/golden child, without turning him into someone that Lester couldn’t be open with.
Herb Bean
Herb Bean is a fantastic character. I really felt the intensity of his work as a YouTuber — just being “on” all the time; chats with his dad ending up turning into more YouTube fodder; the description of his research and then his work in the field.
(For what it’s worth, I don’t think the opening line of the prologue needs the “a rare moment of respite for a YouTuber,” because the rest of the prologue shows exactly what that deep breath is about. I can really feel how much he’s working to feed content to the beast.)
And then, after 8,000 words, he’s just … gone. I got really invested in him and his incipient success and his relationship with his dad and fellow YouTubers. As a reader, it felt like a rug being pulled out. I’m a sucker for any story that makes a sudden, drastic change like that — say, for example, Janet Leigh’s Marion Crane being the focus for the first half of “Psycho,” then — surprise! — it wasn’t her story after all! But at least she got some closure, such as it was. Herb disappearing is as if Hitchcock said, “You know what, let’s just have Marion check out of the hotel and then never be mentioned again, and go all Norman Bates now.”
Herb deserves better! I’m not suggesting you expand this story, but maybe tighten up the prologue to 3,000 words or fewer, and write a separate companion piece on Herb’s life.
Length
It’s long, and that’s a big ask of any reader. Granted, I’ve just read the first 30,000ish words (the prologue and the first two chapters). Earlier this year I read “The Adventures of Augie March” because it’s allegedly one of the Great American Novels, and I think I started it about four times and put it down for several weeks in between each attempt, and that was only 150,000 words. (Also, it was pretty directionless, so that might have had something to do with it.)
I think “Lying Flatt” could be a bit more of a page-turner if the dialogue was tightened up, and I know that means killing your darlings. Apologies in advance if that’s the direction you go with it.
One thing I think could help, because I really don’t want readers to put down this book and abandon it — chapter breaks. Far, far more chapter breaks. I think 30,000 words should be about 8-12 chapters; give the reader a chance to set it down for the night.
Hypothetical chapter suggestions:
Opening, up until Herb leaves the house
Herb in Washington Square Park and downtown
Herb wakes up to find he’s gone viral, gets Mack/Lester’s email
[The chapter that is currently Chapter 1]
Lester and Kevin’s conversation, up until he realizes his Aerosmith cassette is gone
Lester names the band, then the family dinner
Short, punchy chapter where Lester spray-paints the school
Lester and Kevin’s overnight conversation
Things that felt off, and other edits
⩥ A few of the song titles in the playlist are repeated
⩥ “Rock and roll” is spelled out a few different ways in the draft; because it’s so central to the entire book, pick one and run with it.
⩥ I thought Herb’s dad was anything but “gruff,” he seems really supportive in general.
⩥ “Herb found himself there in booty shorts, a bucket hat, and a full face of makeup” gets repeated twice.
⩥ “Epistin” = Epstein, right?
⩥ The vibe I got from Mack Lasher was that he was a more obscure Velvet Underground, personified … not a household name, but “your favorite artist’s favorite artist.” When Herb goes out to do interviews, the very first person he speaks with is someone who has deep knowledge of Lasher, which undermined that vibe a bit. (Granted, talking to people out at Pride in Lasher’s old stomping grounds is probably a good way to find a lot of people familiar with his work, but I think it would better establish how obscure he was if Herb first bumped into a few people who didn’t know Lasher.)
⩥ Lester Flatt is the name of a pioneering bluegrass/country artist at the beginning of the radio era (and the guy who wrote the “Beverly Hillbillies” theme song, and I kept waiting for that to be explained, but maybe that’s later in the book. If it was inadvertent, and there’s no tie to the real-life Lester Flatt, it could cause confusion if there are some deep-cut music fans reading the book (and ideally, that’s the core audience here).
⩥ I had a list of things I thought were utterly implausible based on Lester’s age before I got to the part where he’s constantly telling tall tales about his exploits (a brilliant idea). That being said … the Guns ‘n’ Roses pajamas feel like a bit of an anachronism since they formed in 1986, and Lester was already in high school by 1985. Aside from that, Rush Limbaugh was just a Sacramento broadcaster who didn’t go national until 1988, about three years after Lester insults Kevin by calling him Rush Limbaugh.
⩥ Lester and Kevin leave the hill to go home in three separate moments:
Kevin and I started walking home, feeling lighter than air, filled with hope—helium, even …
(but later, they’re still on the hill)
As the night went on, the sun began to rise. We had spent the entire night on the hill.
(and then they’re at home)
We walked through the quiet neighborhood and finally opened the creaky door to find nothing but silence. The house was as quiet as a horror movie right before the jump scare.
(and then back on the hill)
As the sun rose, we descended the hill, sad but emotionally wasted. We migrated home, back to base.
My favorite lines
After a while I had to stop pulling out good lines because there were many, but here are a few that were particularly great:
Herb's dad wheezed, almost choking on his nostalgia and hash browns.
Herb considered that the highlight of his career, and Elliot's.
I might explode into sheer pent-up, unfulfilled dreams and raw regret!
So, my rents — God fuck their souls —
Again, great read. I hope to read the rest of it if I get some downtime during the holidays … reading fiction is always better than doomscrolling social media. Thanks for sharing, I really appreciated it.
