So, update wenday —agust 2nd
I finally decided I would finish lying Flatt come hell or high water before the summer ends but like most things It didn’t go as I planned —spending the last few weeks at home with my parents was both as annoying and supringlsy demystifyingly not as bad as I feared, realizing a power, over them, myself and my life I never knew, and realizing things are not as bad nor as serious nor as dire as they seem
Nevertheless less my book remains unfinished
My parents selfishness looms large control my life and my future in ways my growing power plans and ideas for they less and less understand father eclipse —
The truth is —auststic people —myself I am finding new kinds of power in myself as time goes on that I can no longer ignore, a lack of shame, unlearning old patterns of constantly gaslighting myself
done thinking need to start living —
Need to surround myself with people and love, caring about me and them who understand the kind of plans I have -with plan bs, and wont take no for an answer I wont be pushed out any longer or beg to be included in boring loathsome places I couldn’t be bothered with —my parents and that old life be be dammed —-this is my rock star era, doubting myself be dammed im starting an artistic era auction I finally see what I was born to do, and everyone is hungry for it
but to finish my book —with everything constantly in my way over learned to enjoy the ride
Sadly I did not finish my revsionss before I could leave (though I did get in my last scene and Writopia workshop before leavening on this vacation witch is the first I’ve ever been on by myself or with a friend not counting the time I studied aboard last summer in London also very fun, filled with lots of gay sex, pubs, shopping fun school education not many friends but just as many new ones as I hope this one is but I honestly just want to relax and write and do what I want, let my hair down after a long summer of trying and failing to do a lot of things for a lot of people -mostly to write and finish my book and coming closer then ever and I feel like with a whole week to myself I can finally do that -but I fucked up by not bringing my laptop -since my new iPad -has bad loading and iPad storage though maybe I can fix it my deleting a lot of stuff in my google cloud
Not gonna lead to another instance of me deleting any stuff in my google drive and getting mad at my dad for forcing me to do so then yelling at me for charging him the google bill like he’s been
Ill just delete the photos this time Hopfully that will cause it to—work (update the document with all the right edits)
Because basically —-it might be a good ouninrity to delete a lot of those pictures anyway a lot of them I dont even like looking at (google phots dont neccualry corolaite to apple photis anyways) but —those old photis memories I —im ready to let them go finally become a new person start over
Not be so married to the digital the past its not good because that old me doesn’t feel like me anymore and my parents old friends acting like he is—is holing me back I wanna go upstate and totally break out and totally make a whole new impressions im a man of many faces many condirctions its not masking -after totally embracing myself I have so many plans for creative expression a man is most himself when he wears mask in a sense after all — but like I want to make an impact on the world man im done hiding im done being told I can’t do things, I can’t be exproidiairy that I have to hide and I have to shrink myself and hide my talents and brilliance and everything and condidcne and wittiness and trauma like im done im really done I have so much to offer the world and I love life and people love me I love people im not one of Themse people who hates life and is depressed how much I have been through has only made me have more of a lust for life im a hippie man, I just want peace and love but im also a libertine and. Madman and artists who wants people to give into their pleasure and their inner artist I have ideas that people dont really embrace old and new, im actually really fucking smart and cocky and im done denying all the sides of me becuase I dont see anyone like me, becuase I wish I did, and becuase im a reare fucking aopckakge -I just needed to realize my true peoleteinal as an artist finally bring the work of rat that is me to its next theamatic conculsion becuase of who I am like im seriously and the world isn’t gonna know what hit it—-
But enough about me—-(I love talking about myself, the self, art and thematic arcs, and creating the self as art and yadaaa) I even decided to go back to therapy becuacuse I wont overthink it this time —realized I can leave at anytime ( believe in mad pride /madness /embracing my own madness no shame/not so much stalk in what the Theapist says as I did to help /save me in every single way I dont need her help to fix me im doing just fine —crazy people deserve to be happy, crazy if they wanna be, people should love them for it, the world should change to be less cruel around them…I decided to go back just becuase going off my meds make me too angry/happy whatever mood swings and there were a few times in truth when I wish I could have talked to Dana —but only a few, it wasn’t defeat I wish I had a different Theapist and I believe the ones at school will be better I still dont need them will guide our questions better this time so I dont let her think I need her advice for everything to totally fix my whole self, and also so I am actually asking her what I actully need help with that week not just whatever the fuck is on my mind so im making up problems to justify being there —but yeah, having her once a week on zoom, 4pm, to talk spiificlly about creative frustration and…tech in Gail frustration (spfiiclly about how your super empowered now and you wanna keep that energy going…while not being cocky but also, showing that your not gonna be pushed out of creative spaces anymore) wanting to finish your book if you dont finish it by the time school starts feeling like fauluire, wanting to learn to sing /actully feeling more confident and like your life actully has a whole path forward you can finallly see (all the stuff about imagination etc u wont tell ur shrink becuase a lot of stuff u d told ur shrink u didn’t need to tell ur shrink becuase there was no reason to it didn’t relate to helping u) that is what’s on your mind so she
Finally in fire island —I’ve learned its not ALL gay—I need to write my book —im overjoyed my computer /ipad works as well as it does —its faster then my computer
I actually wanted to start working on my query letter but I can’t t
was its just the
My new iPad key board that turned my iPad
