How I have viewed my own gender has, genuinely changed.
I don't know if I will still feel the same way about it next week, or next year and that's ok unlike in the past I'm ok, happy with fluity, I like the chaos, I like how it fucks with people but I also like how it feels to not be tied down to any of the silly boxes the world tries to put us in
I like thinking about stuff, maybe I should take a class on sososigiy or gender studies of just watching youtube videos who descuiss Judith butler and similar phliocal ideas about gender in detail
But in the tangubke sense, for my own life after transition, I have felt a lot of Erphoira but not yet all of it you see making my body masculine, and normal was only the first half I realized at some point.
I realized after being in new york a while, a lot of male spaces, and a lot of gay spaces uh...don't really feel right, at first they felt empowering for a long time just for being masculine, just for being one of the boys and for being gendered right without correcting people or awkwardness or being stuck in that weird in between byt to be honest
I have been unpacking recently the fact that I love art and -it seems many wemon have been the object of art, rather than the artists wemon have been artists, but the types of masucity I am in love with and desire to embody perhavs what lead my, foolishly as a bit of a shortcut or a misguided -silly way-to try and body Luecien (now just the voice I give to my podtive, consuous voice telling me to calm down working through tough problems and make tough choices witch has helped ) and simion and all those other "super selves" I was really trying to ebody going about the wrong way, trying to be better versions of myself wutch Now I am fucking done doing, I am who I am, Elijah, me, my perosnity, cringy, annoying, done trying to be someone totally new just becuase I'm so routunly rejected by insolent simple minded people the world is full of them I should be strong enough by now to know and not be shaken by any rejection its all meangillness on my character I'm awsome I have vauble, incredible freinds i have kept the freindgroup together and I will find another grand group of amazing comrads just as my friends have for this new stage in my life.
Byt the impose to be whole new people was the wrong approach, my desire as a man to embody a form of masculinity more refined more out of this time, more that I would like rather then what I am,
1. Like true ----- Macho, Motorcycle, guys,
6. Rock stars like in Velvet Goldmine, the androgynous kind of time travelers beyond time.
2. Artsy 60 hippies - older people that are, wise and happy
THe kind of masculinity - that has really nothing to do with tridisonal masculine norms
Perphasps -in fact It should embody at times some of the toxic masculine traits in fact,
I often, try to emdoy those traits anyways!
Like:
Being a gentleman -being respectful to all but still speaking your mind against injustice no matter what
Having loyalty to those you love, honor and inegettrity, and courage willing to fight not just speak up, but actually stand up for what you believe in-
ANd being an artist, willing to defend your art -Men, for better or worse have a certain celf cenrtmened in the world (not always trans men even when I pass and pepole think I'm cis just the fact that I'm trans at all I still loose "male privalge points" in real life despite what people say)
But men who are willing to make great art, and comeplety own whatever they are/without shame and not let anoyine tell them they cannot pressure their dreams -they cannot be successful despite the challenges they were born with -dogged drive, determination, survivorship, refusal to give up ON WHAT MATTERS
Masculine Rage and anger directed for good, motivation, processing dysphoria /emrbaclation, powerlessness, lack of success being taken seriously as an artsist, lack of indepnce, romantic rejctin, late cpaosiztist all things me and many other men face these days and deal with in a variety of ways
Are all masculine traits I TRY to embody that I think are very good traits we should all try and emody
To be strong, and confident and delcare yourself in the world as an individual the hero of your own story and as a writer this...has been very fun
while also understanding that gender is a lie, standing up for what you belive in politically and being empowered to do so, for me -has always been very ephoric especially this past year when the first time in my life fo the sireal
funny and cheeky, staying smart and cultured and keeping your wits about you,
Masculinity is like...and if you weren't raised as a cis boy, to be...in it (obviously not true for everyone)
But being on Testrone for over two years now, I have just been feeling more myself then ever but also
Everyone knows mauslity has toxic traits and I guess I've been lucky to not really have to deal with
Sure I was being told I would be aggressive and inhertinly more, full of rage since starting etstrone witch isn't actually a side effect or at least not to the extent that my dad and various bad faith people will say it impacts your hormone balance but not...anymore rage then any average teenage boy (same thing they would say to be growing up with "bipolar disorder" now unspecified mood disorder and disgonised anixity along with a second puberty and for the first time being aware of my aystsim and learning disblities as well as the true symstomes of my trama and CPSD starting college sure I was moody but i mamged like all men had to in the world -had to do everything on their own -inedpenenden enetrupurs soul cpatains of their ship, without asking for help unless they can figure out their own problems without seeming weak
And that is toxic mansucity being put on our culture as what men do they don't ask for help when they are in pain or unsure of what to do in their life, -
Witch as someone who was misdoinised with alot of mental illnesses and mistreated/falsely instrutsunized/mistreated at boarding schools/assylsms for severe metal illnesses that presented as anger and standing up to bullies and not taking their shit and having a very strong personality and just not being able to take peoples shit after a lifetime of bullying because Aussitsim in "girls" is often misdohnized as BPD or bipolar so
the feeling of indpnece I've had, of masculine indpence of fuiguirng out all my stuff ----without my parents, without my freinds or families help despite their attempts to get in the way or help though often misguided -was very empowering and masculine -though to be honest its also very esuxuasting to do everything on your own, especially if you don't have a job, any money, a family a lover and you have the metal and learning issues hat make getting scammed, navigating the world, burn out, and navigating the world much harder then it would be -if you had any substantial community to help you thrive cimnuity that actually understands you and not lets you fall through the cracks that you have to find on your own.
But also frustration, in my current -ongoing artistic and personal boom mostly happening mentally and internally waiting in wake until I can return upon,
