Lying flatt -venting about the state of things...Writing frustation with myself: steps to becoming my best new self before summer ends

I still cant belive I bought a whole computer from pc richards only to find out it doesnt work and It cant log in with my michrosoft account, thease last few days have been strange, a new surge of motivation unbrudled in my last lauquid months of porcorstnation, cripling my evry day life, fun incredible times with freinds always tained by the back of my head knowing much of what I was doing to have fun, thrill seek make exsssive plans was to doge my own deadlines with my book I cpould only push back so long, before I lost intreest but in my intrense deteimantion to finish it by the end of june witch I still intend to do, theres also a massive overwleming, unmistakble feeling Admist the computer saga of last week, all three of my current comopyters not working to some degree,wasting a painfull, painfull amount of time and money, running arround nyc trying to repalce my cimputer, find places to write that are free and do so, always unable, go to the apple store to no availe, and even my current one my city college computer I wont be able to keep unless I steal it witch I might have to, unless my dad gives me his compouter, I get somone to help fix my new one or my apple one magicly lets me log in afetr I change the password, im going to suny new plaz with no computer ill simply have to buy a key pad for my ipad, and rent a new one from the suny new paltz libabary worst comes to worst, but I already wasted so much time, and stress when they didnt work, the stress has hurt my heart, and I dont know why that stressed me out more then anything else in my life in ages that and the prosepect of not loosing waight On onzempic, before summes over I am so sick and tired of being fat but that will be another vent post on my personal blog tonight, But I was so exited to be motivated but the second I was life got in the way-but now im trying with eveyhing I have to keep the motivation up not even caring if freind plans get cancles or chances im now even forced to take to make money get fucked up, Still trying to have fun, but...not going to lie, Ice grown frustated with myself, my own lack of doing what I need to do, the ablsim and genral lack of postive results, the fruits of my labor, trying to make pepole understand, why I cant do things as well feels like exuses but its also gaslighting, and im so sick of it, im so sick of it becuase I try so hard, and have no help I do evrthing on my own, the "help" has alawys been what otehr pepole want for me, enevr what I want or what I need, always fighting uphill, always being ignored and im tired of iit, im tired, but also resteless, tired of being tird, of being beaten down with no one by my side no lover no, real pepole around me to pick me up, to really understand to really help me, ive been unappracirted for so long in how much I work to just get up eevry day, to do everything pepole want and just fuguire out who I am in a harmless way everyone does, im so fedup being gaslit, being a helpless victim, being told my own insbity to do stuff is my own fault, I can do everthing and anything I piut my mind to, I am extreemly smart and tallented and creeative and im tired of doubting myself making myself small becuase pepole like me who take up space are not in vouge right now Like, many things, most things, I would and could do If I just had the smallest bit of help, and soppprt becuase I have nevrous disgnosed severe learning disbliltes, am nerodigerent and mentally ill, at once, and when trying to be a writer, with, ADHD, austim, dyslexia, dyesgrphia, CPSTD, better mental heath then you used to have but struggling self estam, imposter sydnrome and conttsnaly dipping motivation, and not alot of pepole to give you ressurnce, postive refroncment and engrouegment or who truly see your struggles, and who you feel actully sopport you and dont just tollrate you with a million conditions and if anything you constanly have to go arrond and get inyour way eeven if they act like they sopport your creative dreams on the serfece. They dont really take yous eriosuly refuse to help you and always tel you to get a real job and dont understand you cant and probaly wont ever do that, unless its one that has to do wiuth your creative persruits. Im so fruustated with myself right now, I should finish by june, write more during the day, and not have this streak of stress, and self -not hatred but, self doubt and frustation Im so done with this reppstive bs, its like ive come so far im my jounry I no longer have time for the issues of the past that have plauged me for ages, their the problems old me had, not new me, I have no more time for them. (Boarding school truma at least the way it used to effect my life and constanly letting it into my mind, and current relationships, trumaa dumping about it, letting it define me, no, not anymore) Being fat and hating my body, feeling unsexy, gender dysophoria, exppations of either gender, feeling controlled finacally or emotailly by your parrents, family or anyone in your life, like your too much or will never be good enough, or find a guy who can handle "all of you" in a relatioship, and most of all for the four years of writing your book, feeling scared no one will like it, that evryone doesnt belive you can be a real writer because of your disblities and how hard it was to write this book, in ythe future your writing scedule will be alot more orgnized, and stuff, All of those proeblems are being left with old eli in new york, Simon, the pretty nonbinary, hippie, the new me, the new stage, he still struggles with elements of this stuff somtimes, but never to the same extent I used to, becuase he knows, Lucien knows, there are biger things out there to worry about, Cnetrum virtie to find his ceneter, then thease trival problems, bueatful pepole souls, and ammazing things that even if his probelms arent solved he can still feel amazing things, peace, and love in the meantime he has so much more going on, then the trival, scars of his broken, former self, small pecices, he is a buaetaful, soul, whos gone on this jounry to become an amazing person and he, they are never looking back now, he is worrid about conrtubing to soicuty, helpong pepole at new Palz making amamzing freinds it comes to my writing new bueatful stories, his future, not his past, exporing himself, exporing the world, having amazing experinces, he knows how not to let the inehrt unchanging machshsim of his mind get to him, ask for help and work through them, to know its not his fault and madness istnt doesnt deffine him to even use allo the parts of him, to embrace them in his art and life, and help others along, he is shamelss, but first before he can truly be whole, he needs to make a few final steps. Final steps for Eli, to become Simon (full self transofmation -summer of self love 2024 b4 suny new platz) 1. Become bueatful, become somone he loves looking at themeselevs in the mirror: 1. Go on ozempic /start eating diffrent kind of fruits/veggies again (smaller meals) (go to gym three times a week starting 6/15, do cardio and waights, make a playlist) 2. Fall back in love with fashion, of all genders, get new clothes, wear some clothes you havejnt worn in a while, in spifific looks, that you can wear over and over again, that make you feel poiwerful, smart, (Lucien-blue coat, Astor-punk rocker coat ect)get wigs, makup, play with nonbinary expression. (get some termpoaary tatoos/a tatoo pen, fake pericings, new pecicies of clothing that fityou in a way that makes you feel confideent, do some spcial experiemts: Wear the new fits to beach, to concerts, to family gatherings, see if you get any compliments (ask for feedback from freinds on new wordrobe, go to thrift store with Etein)Base your new sense actully cohesernt, senses of style off what youeve alwasys wanted it too be truly, 70s glam rock, dark acemcia, and victorian/colrinal eiorupain dandisim, then buy clothes to fit those esthtics respctivly and bring pecies you already own within those ethstics, 3. Actully do the things you will be poroud of yourself for (stop making exuses wait for other pepole to say their proud of you, tel you the road map to sucess, edit book with chat gbt do all writopia workshops you can this summer, print out finished mansucpt send to bata readers (make list of freinds and family ask to be bata readers -then) finish your book/get an agent start the process, put as many quarry's out there on publishers market place (all agent finding webbsites)make more art, update, and post as much as possible/promote the lying flatt instagram account update the timeline, go to record stores, make mood boards, then you will feel acomplished, and (even buy tickets for chili concerts, go dressed as lester flatt) then you can feel so achompsied, you can clebriate with freinds or alone, after you do that,you do evrthing in your power evrthing else can fall into place, then you can feel so good about yourself no matter how long it takes to get an agent, or published you will have made it father then you ever thought all on your own, and no one can take that away from you and you will be starting your super cool, new college, taking calls and waiting to find a new agent if not already fund one working with them to find a publisher, witch already gives you super cool points right out of the gate either way in teh creative writing program. And no matter how bad things get for your self esstam that will be a huge boost, you can remind yourself, you did it and that is fucking amaizng. Sacrfaice any and all things to make this happen this summer. 4. Once you finish your book, and feel good about it, arround it, when you have time see your freinds have fun, go to teh beach,go on vacation, lap up the best of new york city, live life every day, have fun though, when having fun, do it for you, dont be jelous of the couples, or pepole having more fun, put that out of your mind those lonely thoughst remmeber you are a party of one, get away form that way of thinking, all together. 1. do things on your bucket list AFTER you finally finish your book 2. get a little summer intership for some money, in publishing idealy if not no sweat 5. When I truly become simion, and leave Eli in new york, I will merge all the superseleves, combing and highnting all the best parts of myself fousing on them, and ignoring or processing through the hughnting knolwage and insight of the superselves the worst, leaving those with Eli as they were more his struggles not mine, feeling more and more disconnecting froim those struggles now for the first time. (lucoien and company) to make, simon truly, murge them or at least tempaoraly, for a best case sinario new self, that has the best of me and all the superselves in Simon, in one stable self, and simon (me) will truly be, having a new way of being, thinking and living trained, reequirng much time spent, but not much. Superselevs (my best traits personfied) all merged into one persona, mergeing is what was recomeded evenrtually by many, so with Simion its about time, sure they may still be fluid it at times, one superself may still come out more then others amnd simion is still the mjeoiduement of our betetr consious, but Simion will have a little bit of superself simion, true focused, no trouble settig boudnries, Goofball migchious bod dylan serious artstst type, above all the bs of of his own meneatl illness induced aniaxty, of the every day drama and the poltical inforced incodnce making his life harder, he is foccued not distracted by the future or past he makes art beucase he must and is in tuen with his vaiusion not all the rest, Simion will have a lutle/a lot of him, unaare, aware but arare of the balsity of pepoles galres and ignroant percptions of him, transedning them with his coolness, Lucien of course always personfying my goodness, the kind fun loving dandy in my counsiuiniss oscar wilde, jesus, telling me how to sort through my brain hwne lifes anixitie and porblem s are just to hard to parse on my own alwasy helping me through when I need a freind most, for others who need a freind, some wise words, a lucien in their life when they are stressed, need to simply give into plesure and hgave a good time, need to ove themselves and see life another way they need somone to tell them they are beuatful, and worthyu of love, I am lucien, ill bve taht for them for the world, I feel being him, highning him gives me perpouse and plesure like nothing else, wanting pepole in my life who are kind, who want me in it, with soul and passion and art and feeling, somone truly kind like him wil be parpaicted not overlooked, I will merge with astor and freddie and, even keep a little bit of Eli in there somewhere, his goofyniss, creatuty, and enrtness and inconnce I dont want to loose, he simply was a damaged little guy, struggling againt a tide, but he was still happy even when he had to create his own reasosns to be, little caterpallar, its time he turns into the butterfly he was always meant to be